If you haven’t cried, your eyes can’t be beautiful

Today, my soul is crushed. I can’t take losing another friend while going through all of this. Especially this friend. I love her too much. But I hurt her feelings, and her feelings are valid. I just hope she understands that my actions are not my own. I did not intentionally mean to hurt her, leave her out, or break her trust. Yes, I may blog and write about all the fabulous dinners and lunches and things I am doing with my friends. But these things are not as fabulous as they sound. Most of the things I do happen very last minute, and it is usually very close girlfriends who are banging on my front door to drag me out of the house. Sometimes, I have a nice time, and sometimes it is all I can do to force a meal down my throat without crying the entire time. Trust me; my life is not as glamourous as it sounds. I am just very lucky to have the girlfriends I do to try to take my mind off what my world is now. To this friend; and you know who you are; bottom line is I love you and I refuse to lose you. I don’t care about any of the things that you think are important to me. They are not. You are. So please, hear me out and don’t walk away from this or me. I’ve also said it before and I’ll say it again…. It is very hard to be my friend right now and I get that. But you never need an invitation to come and see me or go to the lunches or dinners I do. Your invitation is always waiting with open arms. Just call me. Text me. Invite yourself. I would never say no. I am proud to have you as my friend and in my life. Please don’t leave me. I know this is not too much for you too handle, because I know the type of girl you are. I need you, I love you, and I’m sorry. I have known you for over half of my life and I will make this right because I know your heart is true. One of the most beautiful qualities of true friendship is to understand and to be understood.

I wrote that earlier today, while Ronan was napping. My friend called me and we talked, cried, and expressed how we are both feeling. We were adults about it and worked it out. That is what true friendship is about. She is not willing to say peace out and neither am I. We are both learning important lessons along the way and growing. Our friendship hit a little bump in the road, but that is also the ultimate test. It is something we both know that we can fix because she loves me as much as I love her.

I hate days like today. I hate days where I can’t stop the tears. I’m supposed to be stronger and this is supposed to be getting easier. I think I’ve cried more tears in the past few months then I have in my entire life. I know, I know, I know…. positive thinking, everything is going to be o.k. I tell myself these things a hundred times a day. Ronan asks why I am sad and I say, “I’m just sad that you are sick. I don’t want you to be sick.” He looks at me with his big blue eyes, wraps his arms around me and says, “I don’t want to be sick either.” Then he holds me and lets me cry. He is so wise for being only 3 and just looking into his eyes, I know he is going to be fine. I just hurt for all he is going to have to go through to get to that point. I hurt for a million different reasons…. are you all tired of my whining yet?? Debbie Downer is here to stay for a while and I get that you all may not want to listen to it over and over…… I am in the process of getting a new website built and I will focus one blog on just Ronan, and one on my feelings and what I am going through. I get that everyone does not want to hear the things I am feeling all of the time. It’s not much fun to read. But I started this blog and I’m not going to stop writing how I feel. If anything, maybe I’ll help another family who is going through something like this know that they are not alone. I know their pain all too well.

Today, my friends Niki, Heidi and Christy stopped by just to say hello and catch up. Ronan sat on the couch with me and fell asleep while they were here. It was good to spend some time with them. My dear Christy also took the Claude necklace that she gave me to get fixed. It has been through some rough times and the back was falling off. I wear that thing whenever Ronan has anything done. I rub it and talk to it a lot. Sounds silly, but it works for me. My other friend, Gay, came by to pack up my Halloween stuff. Ronan was tickled to see her. She sat and played with him for an hour and he giggled the entire time. You can tell she is a mom of 3 boys; Ronan adores her. After she left, Ronan took a good nap and let me hold him. I think he knew I was having a rough day so he didn’t put up a fight about it like he normally does about napping. He woke up demanding to go to the grocery store and pitched a fit when I told him we couldn’t. Too many germs out there right now that I don’t want to expose him to. He wouldn’t give up on it and the madness went on for a good hour. He is so stubborn and when he wants something, there is no talking him out of it. As soon as Liam and Quinn came home, I took them all to get shaved ice to try and get Ronan to forget about the grocery store. Worked like a charm and he was happy as a clam. I then went to pick up my dry cleaning and got to see my favorite friend, Halle<3 She is my dry cleaning lady and about the sweetest person on the planet. She always puts a smile on my face:)

Ronan is hitting bottom. His energy is zapped and I can tell his levels are dropping. We go to the clinic tomorrow so we will see where is numbers are. He does not often sit still and watch T.V. and that is what he did today. Today has been a quiet day for him and he has been very needy. I know it is because his “Magic Medicine” is doing it’s job and killing the cancer. It is a very good thing that he is responding the way he is to all of this. We need him to get sick before he can get better.

15 thoughts on “If you haven’t cried, your eyes can’t be beautiful”

  1. Maya, it takes a lot of strength, courage and faith to get through something like a child having cancer. Thank god you have friends that will take you to lunch and dinner last minute. You need this escape, so that you can be strong for your sons, your husband and yourself. I read your blog every day. I pray for you and your family. You are very courageous to do all that you are doing. Children should never have to hurt and suffer and there is not enough attention brought to pediatric cancer. Good for you for trying to bring attention to this issue in any way you know how. Stay strong Maya, we love you and think of you and your family every day.

  2. I am so glad that you worked things out with your friend. I had a falling out with my dearest friend five years ago when my brother committed suicide and my daughter’s cancer has brought us back together.

    I want to pass on some advice that another cancer mom told me. She is the parent liaison at the hospital. She said to never cry in front of your child. It upsets them to see you sad. I know that it is really hard and sometimes I have to leave the room, but please try for Ronan’s sake. It makes them scared that you are sad and makes them more worried about their situation.

    My best friend in Chicago sent a huge bunch of cards that her daughter’s classmates in high school made for Kimi. I read them all to Kimi one night in lieu of her bedtime story. I couldn’t help tearing up and Kimi was so sweet. She gently petted my arm and said, “Don’t cry, Mommy. Everything is going to be all right.” How wonderful are these kids we have? They are so sick. They are going through torture having toxic chemicals coursing through their bodies. Enduring blood transfusions; hours strapped to an IV machine so they can’t run and play like they want to; they are in the hospital for a week at a time where they have to eat hospital food and can’t follow their normal routine; they are tired and irritable because of their low blood counts and the many medications they take; they endure daily shots (is Ronan also getting Neupogen/GCSF injections after chemo rounds to increase his stem cells?).

    I also wanted to let you know that we got 50 million stem cells in Kimiko’s harvest last week and that her MRI from last week showed a 60% decrease in the size of her tumor.

    I know in my heart that both of our children are going to conquer this disease. I want to tell you how much I love and admire you. I know that it is probably harder for you balancing the needs of your twins and Ronan and your husband. I am glad that you have so much support.

    My ex-husband is trying to take custody away from me because of my bipolar disorder. He alleged under penalty of perjury that I am not mentally competent to take care of my daughter. My heart is breaking all over again.

    I thought it was hard when I lost my brother to suicide 5 years ago, but this is much, much worse. Your heart breaks on a daily basis. I like to describe it as that it was like getting shot in the heart when my brother died. You remember that scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark where that medicine man was reaching into living people’s chests and pulling out their heart? That is what cancer feels like. I think it has to be the worst illness in the world. I hate cancer and I want it to die, die, die.

  3. I don’t believe you shouldn’t cry in front of your child.. He need to see how you are feeling.. They know anyway! I want to hear how you are feeling! You remind me how strong someone can be when needed.. How much love a mother truLy has and how lucky we all are for every moment!

  4. You are helping other families get through this. I know that. It’s all so relentless and overwhelming and it hurts so much more than I thought I was capable of hurting.

    When I write Mia’s blog, I feel narcissistic (which I am btw) and needy and whiny and weak. But I realized that this little online reality show that we’re producing for the world to experience is healing. Not just for us, but for all of the people that make it possible for us to get through this while our babies are so very, very sick.

    You need to write. We need you to write. And when Ronan is grown and this is a distant, horrible memory, he will have a beautiful manual on how to love a child from his mommy.

    It’s not just your son that’s a rockstar, Maya.

  5. Keep the blog how it is. You write from the heart and is a experience that needs to be told in whole to help fight cancer. Dividing it up is not telling the whole story. If someone doesn’t want to listen about YOU and your feelings/emotions/stress, then they shouldn’t be reading at all! You seem to be so strong even
    with this f*cking cancer in your precious baby. Don’t hide it, and don’t hide any Debbie Downer
    moments either. Whining is not a weakness
    when you are going through what you are.

  6. Don’t change your blog. It will be even more time consuming right? just tell it like it is!!! If someone doesn’t want to hear it they don’t have to. I choose to read your blog. I am going to say this with the utmost respect…. don’t give a damn about what others think of you right now. be you ! Be selfish! Be honest! be mad! be gracious! be hopeful! Be beautiful! be all that you have been throughout this! be your true self because you are amazing.

  7. You and your family are beautiful. I loved playing with Ro and talking with you. I hope all can empathize what you all are going through at this time in your life. The glamorous part I see is a family growing closer and closer, rock solid backbone and the friendships that are growing. Not what people are buying, taking you or time they are giving you. Obviously, all are appreciated but just a quick call is important. We busy moms these days understand all of our crazy lives and completely should understand it is not about us. Please keep the faith and stay strong. Xoxo

    Gay and family

  8. You are a human being and a cancer mom and with that come tears, sadness, worries that no others can understand, anger and so much more. We, as cancer moms can not hide our tears sometime, we are human and we as parents sometimes cry in front of our children. There is no shame in that! I have lost many friends since my son was dx with NB. I have to assume Im better off. I always say that no one has the right to judge me until they have walked in my shoes. With HOPE,

    Kate

  9. I 100% agree with the others, please don’t stop writing about your feelings or splitting it into two separate blogs. This is YOUR blog! This is YOUR outlet to get out some of the frustration, anger, and sadness that you are going through! I follow multiple blogs for children fighting neuroblastoma, but I truly feel most connected to you and Rockstar Ronan because of your honesty. I get a sense of the pain that Ronan, you, and your family are going through. This is the honesty of what F*CKING cancer causes!! I think people need to hear that to make them fight harder against it! I continue to pray for both of you rockstars everyday.

  10. My dearest,
    You are brave. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are human.
    Your emotions are real and painful and you must release them. Of course it would be great if they would only emerge behind closed doors, but frankly that is unrealistic. No one can tell you how to handle your child’s cancer! We all deal differently.
    Matt is right in saying that this is your blog and your outlet.
    Just as I always tell you… You are going to change the world my darling! You have already changed mine.

  11. You are strong & brave, just like your Mom. Don’t change a thing about your blog, pretty please. Although on “downer days” it is painful to read, it is also a true picture of the type of life too many families have to live. For them, having the same experiences & feelings, you are helping them as they can freely acknowledge their own burdens & accept them as part of what’s happening to them. You are strong & brave, a leader, and someone to whom the too many families can look up. I’m happy your special friendship was mended. Love, Sue from Longview

  12. Maya – like I said when I last saw you – you’re entitled. You’re entitled to be mad, sad, moody, crazy, whatever! You’re friends will always be your friends. You have an amazing support group of girls who are there for your every need (and that’s because they know you’d be there for them.) But you also have an endless arsenal of love and support from people who are waiting in the wings and standing by to assist. We are all here for you and your beautiful family and you have no idea how much you are thought of.

    Literally, not a day goes by (often not an hour goes by) where we’re not thinking of you or talking about our beautiful and strong-willed Ronan. We love you. xo

  13. Love and Blessings to you Maya, Ronan and all of The Thompson Family…My thoughts and prayers are with you daily. You are truly amazing and such an incredible inspiration for all of us!!

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