That stupid pit is back in my stomach today. It is the worst feeling. Makes me not want to eat, not want to sleep…. it’s like a dull, empty pain that comes and goes. And when it is here, it is a constant reminder of what we are up against. Before all of this, I didn’t even know what an Oncologist was. Yup, I was that naive. I thought the last thing we were going to hear is your child has cancer. I still think this is some kind of a sick joke. But staring at my baby’s bald head, as he peacefully sleeps… I am reminded that it is not. And it is more painful than anything I’ve ever felt in my life. When I was driving back to PCH today, after running home to shower and take a power nap… I thought to myself, how in the world can I ever go back to a normal life? A life before all of this? In a weird and twisted way, I have come to love our new life. It is a new life full of getting Ronan well and keeping him alive. He is still here. He is still alive. He is still mine. I am so thankful for that. I remember at the beginning of all of this, when we were talking to one of the doctors here about treatment options…. he told us that if we wanted to take Ronan home, to let him be at peace and not do any of the treatments, that they wouldn’t fight us about it. His words still haunt me….how in the world could that have even been an option?? To give up on your baby and not do everything in your power to help him fight though this…I can’t even imagine. I am very thankful we caught this when we did. A month or two later… and it could have been too late. We are going to do everything we possibly can to get him well… I have no doubt that what we are doing will work.
Ronan has his chemo running through him for 72 hours straight. It is a little clear bag, full of some orange fluid. He is sleeping now, but seems to be tolerating it pretty well so far. My little fighter. Woody and I met with Dr. Eshun today to go over our plan with him for NYC. We are working getting all of the dates finalized and set. No matter what the case, my stomach always goes into knots when we have to meet with a doctor. Guess it just goes with the territory though and I need to learn to get used to it. This is not going away any time soon.
The little boy who we are sharing the room with is still alone. I hear him talking to his mom on the phone every once in a while. He just called her to ask if she was o.k…. he wants to know what she is watching on T.V. and wants to know if his dad is asleep. He sounds so happy just to even talk to his mom on the phone. I could just eat him up.We’ve been with him since yesterday around 4… and no parents have been here. Not even during the night. I cry for him. He is the sweetest little thing and he doesn’t make a peep. I want to bring him all sorts of toys and things to play with. He never asks for a thing… even after the dozen times that I have asked him if he needs anything. Sweet kid. Shitty situation. Life really is not fair sometimes.
Last night I slept about 3 hours. Better than nothing. I am paying for it tonight though… very tired. No matter how tired I am, I never sleep well here. Too many people coming in and out, too many beeping noises, too cold, etc….. It’s fine though… I could stare at Ronan all night long and never tire of it.
Before I try to get some rest I wanted to say a big thank you to The Academy House in my hometown for putting on a wonderful fundraiser in Ronan’s name. I am floored by all the people who showed up, all of the money raised, and the beautiful spirits of the young kids who worked so very hard to raise awareness for Ro’s cancer. Also, a big hug to Lisa for organizing everything and being the force behind it. The love and support from my hometown has been amazing and I am so thankful and proud to be a Longview/Kelso girl.
Sweet dreams to you all out there. Thank you for loving us, believing in us, and fighting for us. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again… I will never forget the love you all have shown us and I will forever be changed because of each and every one of you. G’nite<3<3<3
And P.S. Gay, I love you and your messages. Thank you for checking on me… sorry for not calling you back… will call you tomorrow. And you and your guys’ are NEVER too much for us. That was the best Halloween ever. Thank you for sharing it with us… we adore you all and are so lucky to have you in our lives.