Staying sane… or at least trying

Today was an easy day. It reminded me of our old life which was nice, but bittersweet as well. We spent the day at home and ran to the hospital for about an hour. Then we went and got shaved ice and headed to see our favorite friend, Halle, at our dry cleaners. It was a quiet day around the house until the twins got home. We spent the evening playing and laughing. My friend, Bethany, dropped off dinner. It was very therapeutic to see her. She is someone I don’t know very well, but I feel like I do. We grew up in the same town, I was friends with her younger sister, and Bethany and I connected last year though Facebook. Her little boy, Madden, went to preschool with Ronan. She was trying so hard to hold it together for me, but we both ended up crying a bit. It was nice to talk to her, to hear how her family prays and thinks about us everyday…. it was nice to have a bit of my home in front of me.

Liam and Quinn had basketball practice tonight and are still gone with Woody. Ronan is already fast asleep. I kept myself busy tonight picking up the house and venting to my father about some things that are bothering me. UGH. I am tired of keeping things inside and he made a comment to me earlier today that upset me. I called him back and told him I thought he was being insensitive. I should have just let it go, but I couldn’t. I think it may be best to separate myself from some people for a while. I can’t deal with the day-to-day drama anymore. I am tired of having people compare what they have went through in their life, to what we are going through. For most people, life is what you make of it. It’s called choices. We didn’t have a choice with Ronan getting cancer, but we do have a choice of how we can handle it. I am trying to stay sane and focus on my beautiful husband and children. I am trying to focus on all the positive things like how well Ronan is handling everything. I see a light at the end of the tunnel because I know Ronan is going to win. My beautiful baby will not be destroyed over this disease; we will get him through this.

Tomorrow we have a big day. We check in to PCH at 3:00 for Ronan’s scans. He has an MIBG, Bone marrow, and MRI. I told Ronan today all about coming back to the hospital tomorrow because I wanted to prepare him for his long day. He told me it was o.k. and asked if he was going to get put to sleep by Dr. Maze. I told him yes, and he said it was o.k. because, “He’s so nice, mama.” It was really sweet. Ronan is getting very used to his new way of life. It still makes me mad and it’s still not fair but I am thankful that my angel baby seems to be coming to terms with it and is accepting that this is just the way his life has to be now. I hope he understands that it won’t be like this forever. Someday, we will have our beautiful life back, and we are going to appreciate everything so much more. Sometimes, I think I am lying to myself when I say that because I did appreciate all the things we had. I guess it is a lie that I am going to continue to tell myself throughout this whole ordeal because thinking that life is going to be so much sweeter and better after all of this gives me strength and pushes me forward.

Today when we were at the hospital, Ronan asked me where Auntie Karen was. She is out of town for the week on a much deserved, fun, vacation. He told me he wants to see her and misses her. I told him I miss her too, but we will see her next week. We love you, Auntie Karen. We hope you are having the best time and Ronan can’t wait until you get back so he can tease and love you. Goodnight to you all out there… I hope you are hugging your loved ones extra tight, every night.