You know what I am thankful for today? That Ronan only has cancer. I am thankful that he is not a vegetable like the older boy sitting right next to me as I type this. He has to have his nurse suck the spit out of his mouth because he can’t do it himself. I am thankful that Ronan is not in a wheelchair because he has arthritis so badly that he can’t walk like the girl I met today named Cynthia. Cynthia is in high school and was of the happiest girls I’ve ever met. She sat and drew Ronan the most amazing picture of Winnie the Pooh and wheeled it over to us. Auntie Karen sat and talked with her dad and her for a long time about making sure she is getting the rights she deserves at her high school. It’s hard for her to get to class on time as well as try to carry all of her heavy books while being confined to a wheel-chair. She told her dad she needed a Kindle. It took everything I had not to just up and give her my iPad. Especially after she commented on how cool it was. You can tell they don’t have a lot. She wants a Kindle so she can read her school books easier. I am so ashamed today. Do you know what I used to think about every time I drove past Phoenix Children’s Hospital before all of this happened? I used to think about how pretty the colors of the hospital were. Never once did I stop to think about what was going on inside. How could I have been so ignorant? It makes me sick to my stomach. So, after spending so much time here I am thankful that Ronan just has cancer. And that he doesn’t have cancer so badly that he now has to have prosthetic legs like the 5-year-old girl I saw yesterday.
A beautiful life is so simple; I can’t believe I ever complained about a thing before all of this. I am humbled, embarrassed, disappointed and ashamed today. I feel like I failed as a human being for being so ignorant. It took a wake up call like Ronan getting cancer to make me realize all of this. What a jerk I was. I keep thinking crazy things like maybe if I hadn’t been so selfish and had taken the time to actually come down to this hospital and volunteer, than maybe this wouldn’t have happened to us. I know my thinking is not logical, but thoughts like this run through my head all day long. How in the hell did Ronan have cancer in his body so badly and I didn’t know it?? I am his mother, I am with him 24 hours a day. What did I miss or do wrong? Everybody says nothing, but I know I’ve failed and I will forever blame myself. Any other mother in my situation would feel the exact same way. I will carry this guilt around with me for the rest of my life. It is only when we get through this that I will allow myself to breathe again and just let go a little bit.
I’m a mess today. Thankfully, Auntie Karen is sitting with Ronan for a bit while I am out in the cafeteria area. I needed a little break, but it may be worse out here. All the sick babies and kids are breaking my heart. I will pull it together though. I have no choice; my Ronan baby needs me.
We have decided on a logo for Ronan’s Foundation. I am so excited about it. I don’t know why I didn’t think of the brilliant idea before….it was so obvious. A big thank you to Jessica Radovic..she is the one who came up with it:) When we named Ronan, Ronan; we obviously loved the strong Irish name. I also thought is was so sweet that it meant “Little Seal.” So, that is what his logo will be:) A sweet little seal. It completely fits him now because with his bald head, big eyes and long eyelashes; he looks like a little seal. It’s so funny how in life, things just fall into place and start to add up. It’s all about connecting the dots…..