No more Mr. Nice Guy

When I became a mom, I knew it was my calling in life. It was the one thing that I was meant to do and I was really, really, good at it. When my twins were born, ¬†a lot of people wondered how I did it. How in the world did I manage to take care of two babies at once?? I honestly thought it was easy. It came very naturally to me. I always felt so honored and privledged to be a mom. Taking care of my boys was like waking up to Christmas everyday. When Ronan was born he was the perfect ending to our family. That little boy is so loved; by everyone. His big brothers think he hung the moon. I never wanted to fight this battle and be the voice for this disease. But now I have no choice. All I ever wanted to do in life was to be a mom. The PTA mom, the soccer mom, the mom who organizes all the playdates and parties, the mom who is always in the classroom, etc…. That was my life before all of this; and I loved every second of it. Now, I’m pissed. Pissed that I have to fight this fight, watch my child fight this fight, watch my husband and twin boys’ have their lives turned upside down. Now, I have no choice but to do everything I possibly can to help find a cure for this disease. I will spend the rest of my life doing this. I never wanted this. I just wanted simple. But I was chosen. So I will stand strong and make my family proud and pour everything I have into this.

I know Ronan is going to win this. I know it with every bone in my body. Because if he doesn’t, we all lose. And that is just not acceptable. He was put on this earth to do amazing things but for some reason he has to prove himself and show everybody how brave and strong he is. He is making people fall in love with him all over the world, who don’t even know him. That’s how special of a boy he is. He is my little sidekick and together with our army of angels beside us, we will get though this. Nobody is going to take this boy away from us. EVER.

Tonight, I am mad. I’m am feeling a ton of anger because that is what Ronan has been feeling lately and it makes me angry. His anger is my anger. He has been mean, violent, and self destructive. That is not my Ronan. It is of his fear and emotions coming out and he does not know how to voice them. I try to always stay calm, but sometimes I just want to start screaming and punching the walls. And after thinking about it today, I have decided if I ever see that Elizabeth Gilbert in person; I will punch her in the face. She had a choice to walk out on her marriage, and to “find herself” by traveling across the world. IDIOT. I want a fucking choice. And I don’t get one. So, sorry Elizabeth Gilbert; I don’t feel sorry for you and your stupid pain. Try being a mother and watching your baby fight for his life….. try watching the people you hold dearest to your heart hurt and suffer….. then come talk to me about writing a real book. She can take that “Eat, Pray, Love” crap and shove it.

Magic Medicine Day one, Round 2

We got to the clinic at 9 a.m. this morning and did a lot of waiting. It was 11:30 before they actually started the chemo. He had to have his blood drawn, weight taken, height measured, fluids given, etc… before they could start. Ronan has been a little trooper and causing a lot mischief since we’ve been here. Shooting the Dr.’s and nurses with his darts, and when I took him to the bathroom he grabbed a whole roll of toilet paper from above the toilet and threw it in the toilet as I turned my back to wash my hands. Oy vey! All I can do is laugh because it makes me so happy to see him being himself. Woody, Mimi, and I met with our stem cell transplant doctor, Dr. Adams for about 2 hours today. Once again, an overload of information and I am so amazed at my husband and the way he handles everything and asks 50 million brilliant questions. I sat, absorbed, cried, and just listened. The stem cell transplant is a BIG deal. Way worse than the chemo as they basically kill my baby and bring him back to life with his own cells. It’s a lot more complex than that, but it’s the best way I can think to describe it. His own cells will rescue his body. I felt really good about our doctor. You can tell she is extremely intelligent and passionate about what she is doing. She also apologized for leaving the fate of our son’s treatment in our hands. She said it’s because as doctor’s, they don’t know the exact formula for curing this. Woody asked her if kids that have this disease as badly as Ronan beat this. She says she see’s it all the time and watches many of them graduate from high school. She said she was looking forward to coming to Ronan’s high school graduation. That threw me over the edge, I started ¬†bawling just hearing those words come out of her mouth. As I sit here looking at my happy baby I am overcome with joy and hope. Ronan is different than most little boys. I’ve known this from the moment I laid eyes on him at the hospital after he was first-born.

Time to go home now. Yippee!

No smoke and mirrors here, people

Today was a beautiful day from the beginning until the end. My morning started with a quick trip to the store and a visit from my favorite cousin in the whole world, Roy, and his amazing daughter, Shannon. Was nice to see them and to catch up. I love hearing about the happenings of their world and seeing a glimpse of my sweet baby cousins 17-year-old life. From her deciding on a college… east coast or west coast… to hearing about the trip she will be taking after graduation to Thailand with her dad. I am so excited for her, as her life is just beginning and I can’t wait to see what it has in store. I’ve watched Shannon pretty much grow up before my eyes. She is a remarkable young woman. When I think of her, the word that comes to my mind is authentic. That word pretty much struck a chord with me all day today. I got to thinking about my life and the people I surround myself with. I also saw that movie Eat, Pray, Love with Trish and Marisa which really got me to thinking about my life before all of this started. As much as I thought I would want to punch Elizabeth Gilbert (the author) in the face for not having any “real” problems; I didn’t. Her problems were real to her… she was unhappy in a marriage and with her life. I can’t fault that woman for following her heart to try to make herself happy. Did it make me angry that her only problem was her marriage? A little. She doesn’t know what it’s like to have a child and see them suffer. So yeah, o.k. Maybe I did want to punch her out a little bit. But the bottom line is she was being true and authentic to herself. You have to admire that in anyone. I’ve realized although my problems seem much worse… it’s not for me to decide or judge on who’s problems are real and who’s are not. To someone, a divorce may seem like a death or a very serious illness. I don’t know that first hand, I only know the kind of pain that comes from my baby being sick. Pain is pain no matter what the source is.

I told Marisa and Tricia about yesterday when I went to watch the boys’ basketball game and about the conversation I had with a mom I had just met from our team. We were introducing ourselves and she asked how old Liam and Quinn were and if we had any other children. I told her we had a 3-year-old boy at home and we had just found out he had cancer. I basically just blurted it out even though I know I don’t have to divulge that type of information to just anyone. But, that was me being real and not wanting to run and hide from our life now. I know that I am going to be seeing this mom a lot at practices and games so what better way to get it out in the open then to just say it. We can’t hide from this. I want to remain as true to myself and as true to our life as possible. I’ve never been fake or phony and I’m certainly not going to start now. Whatch ya see is whatch ya get. I’m not going to be scared and pretend like this isn’t happening. A life full of facades and pretend happiness in no life at all. It’s toxic and not a life I would ever live or ever want. I am grateful for the things that I have, that are real. From the love for my husband and kids, to the way we live our life, to the people we surround ourselves with.

So, my afternoon was spent at the movies with Tricia and Marisa. The movie was o.k…. but I didn’t care. I got to spend time sitting in between my two best friends. Marisa is pregnant and due in November. During the movie she put my hand on her belly and I got to feel baby Max moving all about. The tears started flowing as soon as I felt him. I kept my hand there for a couple of minutes and was overwhelmed by the things I was feeling. Such happiness for her…. she is such an amazing mommy and I feel so much love for this little guy already. It also reminded me of having Ronan in my belly and being at the movies with Tricia and doing the exact same thing with her. I was so looking forward to throwing Marisa’s baby shower. The first time we went to look at our new house after putting an offer on it, I thought to myself… “If we get this house, I am going to have the most beautiful baby shower for Marisa here.” Marisa wasn’t even pregnant at the time but in my head I had already had the party for her. Little things like that make me sad. It may seem silly in the reality of things, but I love being able to do special things for my friends and now I am not able to. And I don’t even have a say in the matter. It’s like all the freedom and the joys of life have been stripped from me and my family. Now our life is filled with sadness, love, hope, worry, and anger. The one word that I am proud to say does not exist in our life is regret. I have no regrets about ANYTHING. Up until now, we lived a beautifully flawless life. Now, I just have to be more creative about making sure that beauty still exists and being eternally grateful for it. The beauty in my day today was seeing Ronan romp around our backyard with his cowboy boots on playing in the dirt. It was the most he has been outside in a month. It made me smile from head to toe.

I ended my day with a phone call from my dear friend, Charisma who lives in L.A. We met about 4 years ago but I swear I’ve known her in a past life or something. We have a bond and a connection that just gets stronger and stronger even though we don’t get to see each other very often. I ADORE her. She is one of the most beautiful souls from the inside, out. Not to mention one of the best mom’s in the world. It was great to hear her voice and to catch her up to speed on things. She is very strong person and I seem to feed off of that and just talking to her makes me feel like I can take on the world. She loves us and believes in me and knows that we will survive this. She is a true friend and another one of the most authentic people I have ever known.

We start the second round of Ronan’s magic medicine tomorrow. Please keep him in your thoughts, prayers, energy fields…. whatever. He will need every ounce of love and support to get him though this. I know he can feel everyone thinking of him and loving him. Thank you all for that… it means everything to us.

Sweet dreams my friends. I’m already half asleep so hoping my mind will shut off now and I can get in a few good hours of peace.

xoxo