During the day, I can usually stay focused and busy enough that my mind doesn’t wander too much. It’s night-time, when I’m alone with my baby sleeping next to me that my mind spins and won’t shut up. I have a hard time falling asleep at night which leaves me often tired for the next day. I look forward to the one day in the week that everything catches up to me and I am so exhausted that I can actually fall asleep early. You know when I’ll finally sleep peacefully again? Probably when he is about 16 and has been cancer free for many years. Until then, it will be like I’m waiting to be struck by lighting. Ronan looks so peaceful and sweet. His eyelashes are so long… I am going to be sad when and if he loses them. I’ve gotten used to his bald head, but every little bump I see scares me into thinking that another tumor is growing. I will feel so much better after we finish this second round of chemo and he gets another scan so we can have actual proof that the chemo is working and the cancer is not growing anywhere else. We start our second round this Monday at 9 a.m. We will be in outpatient all week doing his treatments. I am feeling a little more prepared this time, as this way of life is becoming a little more familiar to me.
Today, Kay and Charlie came over so I could go to The Village and watch Woody coach Liam and Quinn’s first basketball game. It really meant a lot to me to be able to go and I could tell it meant a lot to the boys too. I ran into A.J.s to get an iced tea before the game and the tears started pouring as I was waiting in line. Good thing I had my sunglasses on. I have the hardest time in public and as I was walking out of the store I kept thinking…. how can all these people just go on with their lives? Don’t they know how I am feeling? I felt like the whole world just needed to stop and not go on because of the crisis we are in. So silly and unrealistic but thoughts like this consume me EVERY time I am out in public. I often have my selfish moments with the voices inside my head screaming how unfair this is. I know it’s not fair for anyone to have to go through anything like this, but us?? Always the same stupid question; with no answer. Why us?? We are a normal, good, loving family who doesn’t deserve any of this. Deep down I knew something like this was around the corner. Call it my weird insight to things that I’ve seemed to always have my entire life. I’ll never forget about 3 months ago I called up Tricia and I was bothered about something at the time and I was driving by myself venting to her. I told her that I was just waiting for the ball to drop because nobody gets everything they want in life, and I had everything. I told her that I was feeling scared and unsure because everything was so perfect and who has a perfect life?? But here, I had it and I was convinced that something was going to happen. She told me to stop talking my crazy talk, that I deserved everything that I had and yes indeed I did deserve my wonderful life because I am an amazing person. I look back at this conversation all the time now. It’s eerie to me and makes me question everything. I’ve always had a very overactive imagination but never in my wildest dreams could I have pictured us to be in the situation we are now. This is a bloody nightmare.
Tonight, Jen and Liv came over. We ate pizza, played with Ronan, and watched a movie. Woody and the boys’ were at the ASU game so I really needed the company. Those girls are the best. It’s hard for me to be alone now and they are always a great distraction. I used to love my alone time but now I can’t stand it. Especially at night. The boys had a great time at the game but were so tired when they got home. They both went straight to their room and passed out. Wish I could do the same. Hoping for a little more sleep and less tossing and turning tonight. Goodnight sweet angels.
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