No regrets

Today, I spoke with a women named Joy. A friend of mine, Chris, gave me her number. I called her and we had a good talk for about a half an hour. She was full of such light, energy, and positivity. I told her a bit about Ronan and what we are going through. She immediately told me she would put him at the very top of her prayer list and even though she doesn’t go on the internet much, she was going to so she could read about his story. She felt our strength instantly and told me she could feel all of the angels surrounding Ronan. She also told me she really felt like Ronan was going to be the miracle child to come out of this. I believe her, even though I don’t even know her. She seemed to be feeling all of the same things that I feel about my baby and seemed to be very in tune with me. I felt cleansed and renewed after talking to her. My dad would be proud of me. He has always been very in tune with the universe and the world surrounding us. Any guidance I can get though this is going to help me. Whether it be church, a strong feeling, a wish on a star, a prayer, a horoscope…. I am going to embrace ALL OF IT. I am putting my faith in everything and anything I can. Who am I to discriminate?? Or judge?? That’s never been me. I am an open book and I am going to soak in every ounce of anything I can get; like a sponge. I am going to take a leap of faith at ANYTHING that comes my way. I have to know in my heart of all hearts, that I am doing anything and everything to save my child. I stopped listening to the doctors a long time ago. Their numbers and statistics mean nothing to me because they do not know the Ronan that I know. He is a part of my mind, body, and soul. His journey is not stopping here; it is just beginning.

Stronger than yesterday

Today is the kind of day where I look at Ronan and I’m not scared. I know 100% in my heart that he is going to survive this. How could he not? He looks normal, he is acting like his crazy 3-year-old self, and he does not look the slightest bit sick. I know this will not be the case everyday… but it fills me with such hope, determination, and love. At the beginning of all of this I felt this way. When Woody and I were sitting in a tiny room together at the hospital, after hearing the diagnosis…. Woody completely broke down. I grabbed him and looked him in the eyes and said, “Listen to me. I am not scared! I am not scared at all!  He is going to beat this. We can get him through this… he CAN get through this!” I know  in that moment a lot of that not being scared business was the shock and numbness I was feeling. It was how I needed to feel and act at that time to get my husband not to pass out and to believe with me. I’ve had plenty of days where I am scared since then. But today is not one of them. It’s things like Ronan eating a good lunch, looking at me and saying, “I made a mess mom. Sorry. I love you.” It’s the Ronan that is outside playing baseball and whacking the ball so far that I have to chase it out to the end of the yard. It is the Ronan who wants to wrestle and light saber fight with me. He is still the same Ronan, the love of my life. He loves me too much to leave me. He loves his friends and family too much. He is not going anywhere. I know this, I believe this, I can see it in his eyes.

This morning I had lots of visitors. A friend of mine, Jaye, stopped by just for a minute to give me a hug and drop off some treats. I have not seen her in a few years and I am sorry for that. It is so easy to get caught up in day-to-day things, and before you know it it’s been 3 years since you’ve seen a good friend. I will never let that happen again. I’ve learned this lesson now, because of all of this. Life is too short to let friendships slip away. People are meant to be in your life for a reason.. and seeing Jaye today reminded me of that.

Niki, Heidi, and Lauren also stopped by all at the same time as they had just come from preschool. They came bearing coffee and brought a lot of smiles to Ronan. He didn’t even run and hide in my room! He stayed in the living room with us while we talked and he shot Niki with some darts. He giggled a lot which is the sweetest sound in the world.

So today, I feel strong. Stronger than I have in a long time. A lot of that has to do with the support and love we have surrounding us and the strength I see from Ronan. He is my little fighter and I know he won’t give up. He loves us way too much for that.

Happy Wednesday!

Sorry I didn’t get to post last night. I left the boys with Woody in the main room and went into my bedroom at 8:00, shut all the doors, turned off my phone, and fell asleep. It felt so nice to just kind of close out the world for that moment. Woody put Ronan in bed with me around 9:30 and he slept in Quinn’s bed. Poor Daddy Woo. Sleeping with him at night is one of the things that I miss the most. Night time used to be our time together. It was our time at the end of our busy days to catch up, reflect, laugh, and just be together. We are making the best of our situation though…stealing moments here and there… wherever we can.

Yesterday, Quinn threw up at school. I got a call from the nurse and Mimi Kay went off and running to pick him up. So glad for her, but was sad that I couldn’t even go pick up my baby. He couldn’t even come home. I just set out new clothes on the porch for him and he went to Mimi and Papa’s house for the night. I hate that I can’t be the one taking care of him. Mimi said he slept for a long time and she made him her delicious chicken noodle soup and he watched some football with Papa and went back to sleep around 9. He stayed home today (at Mim’s house) and was still asleep when she left to come here to pick up Liam this morning for school. I hope he feels better today and it was just a 24 hour thing. The big boys’ have their first basketball practice tonight at The Village. I know Quinn was excited for it so I hope he is able to go.

I talked to my friend, Sandy, last night for a bit. Was nice to hear her voice. We’ve been friends since we were about 5. She is my oldest and dearest. I know it’s hard for her to not be here helping me but she is helping me even though she is not aware of it. It is nice just to hear her voice and to hear her say how proud she is of me and she had no idea I was this strong of a person. She asked me if I ever just get to forget about this for even a minute. I thought about it and told her no… not ever. Even when I sleep all I do is dream about Ronan and his cancer. Sometimes I dream that I have it instead of him. I so wish that were the case.

I have a busy Wednesday full of taking care of Ro and doing things around the house. I am calling a Naturopathic doctor today to see what we can be doing for Ronan in between chemo treatments. I know I’ll have to get everything approved through Phoenix Children’s, I’ve already talked to Dr. Wood about it and he said that it was fine. I have to be doing everything and anything to get Ronan better. Naturopathic treatments can’t hurt. Have a good Wednesday!!!