Tonight I laid with Ronan in his bed until he fell asleep. He didn’t nap today so he fell asleep easily. He looks so peaceful and content. We whispered about a lot of things but I mostly told him how much I love him and how much I’ve missed him. We talked about how he is going to get all better. He told me he was already all better. I cried a little as I watched him fall asleep. Thinking about what is going on in his body is hard for me. His right eye looks a little sunken in. The physical changes are happening but he manages to look so stunningly beautiful. I cry for him thinking about all he is about to go through and how hard he is going to have to fight to get through this. No child should have to endure this pain; but as his mother I think especially not him. Why was he chosen for this? Why this angel of a little boy? I know the answers are not clear now, but I pray that someday there will be a reason. A reason that is much bigger than this, then us. I keep telling myself it was meant to be him because of how strong he is. If anyone can survive this, it’s him. He has to be the poster child for hope, miracles, and love. He will be the poster child for this horrific disease. And we will fight for the rest of our lives for a cure so no other family has to endure this type of pain again.
I couldn’t be happier tonight. Having my family all under the same roof is such a blessing. If I had only realized how simple life was before….. I would have looked at things in such a different way.
I now have the recipe for complete and utter happiness. I’ve had it all along… It just took going through something like this, to realize it.
Somedays I can talk about Ronan’s cancer until I’m blue in the face and not shed a tear. The next day I pull into the carwash and the carwash man, Mr. Jay can ask about Ronan and give me a hug and I lose it like a baby. There really is no rhyme/reason/control over these emotions. I’m so used to having total control over my life and the things in it. That’s all out the window now. Better learn how to roll with the punches and embrace all these feelings. Trying to hide them/pretend they don’t exist is not going to get me anywhere.
I talked to Ronan’s main nurse, Sharon today. She said that Ronan is doing well enough that he should be able to come home tonight. Great news for us! He is so ready to be back here and we are so ready to have him. I have my maids here now, getting EVERYTHING extra sanitary and clean. I’ve been working on laundry and getting everything put away. Going to try to sneak in a little nap too. I am feeling almost 100% better. Last night the twins slept with me. I have not slept that good in weeks. I think I just needed some of their snuggles to help me out. Danielle also came by last night and brought me dinner and we had some great talks. I always knew she was a good friend…. we have not spent a ton of one on one time together until now. It’s obvious to me what an amazing friend she has always been, and how important of a role she is going to play in our lives because of all of this. She is such a strong, smart, and thoughtful girl and is so in tune with what is going on/how I am feeling. I feel very lucky to have her in my life. She loves the boys so much too. Her positive energy and pep talks are very good for me:)
Last night as I was getting Liam and Quinn ready for Woody to pick up to go to the hospital to see Ronan; Quinn looked at me and asked me the hardest question I’ve ever had to answer in my life. He asked me if Ronan could die from this. I was so taken aback and so mad that I didn’t have the perfect prepared answer. How in the world do you explain that to a 7 year old?? Quinn is my very intuitive twin. He is the one who at the age of 4, I could not watch the news in front of because he would pick up on everything and be so upset and concered by what was going on in the world. Now here he is, asking me if his baby brother could die. It took eveything I had not to fall to the floor and crumble. I just looked at him and told him what Ronan has is very serious, but we have the best doctors and people taking care of him. So basically, I avoided the question. Woody and I will talk about it, and figure out how we need to explain things to them so that they don’t worry about things like that. They are only 7; I want them to have the childhood they should be having, as much as possible, even with our circumstances. I don’t want them worrying about things like that.
I am over the moon about Ronan being able to do his chemo treatments in outpatent. Sharon the nurse said we are the perfect family to do so just because of the way we seem to be handling everything. She also thinks it will be much better for everyone’s spirits to be able to be at home as much as possible. I couldn’t agree more. Nothing like sleeping in your own bed.
Liam and Quinn are flying to Texas with Mimi Kay and Papa tomorrow to watch TCU play football. They are so excited, lucky boys. I’ve never even been to Texas;) By the time we are all said and done with this, they are going to be little world travelers as they have some more trips in store with their Grandparents. It will be good for them, although I know we are going to miss them. They LOVE football so much. They have been counting down the days for a month now.
I owe a big huge thank you to my Mimi Kay, Kathy, Karen, and Woody for coming in and taking care of Ronan so I could get better. You are all my rocks. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. I love you all so very much.