Not so calm, cool, and collected today

I knew something was wrong today. Ronan slept until 9:00 a.m., which he never does and did not want to get out of bed. When I picked him up, he was like a wet noodle. I talked him into moving onto the couch where I put down his favorite blanket and turned on Star Wars for him. He watched for a bit but did not seem interested like he usually does. I made him his favorite breakfast, eggs and sausage. He didn’t touch it. Then, the bloody nose started. I calmly got kleenex and pinched his nose while making him sit up, just like the doctor told me to do. I had Woody get a cold compress to put on the back of his neck. After about 20 minutes, it stopped and I thought I had things under control. I told Woody to go ahead and leave to go over to The Village (our gym) for the twins’ basketball team draft. He left and I continued to try to get Ronan to eat and drink. He was still refusing. 15 minutes later, the blood started pouring again. I repeated the same steps as before and after 20 minutes of not getting it to stop, I grabbed my phone with my one free hand while trying to call anyone and everyone. I couldn’t get a hold of Woody, the on call doctor, friends, etc….. Nobody was picking up and my calm, cool, collected self, was panicking. I even called 911 and I got a recording that all lines were busy. WTF?? Really, 911!??!?!?! Finally, I reached my Wood and told him to get home. At this point, Ronan is looking very pale and was wanting to pass out/fall asleep. We threw him in the car and headed to the hospital. We finally got a hold of the on call doctor and he told us that we did indeed, need to come in. We sat in the ER forever and the blood continued. They tried a saline spray to get it to stop… it worked for about 5 minutes. Then the blood continued to pour. Ronan was so brave and calm. He sat on my lap the entire time and just rested his head on my shoulder. After about an hour of this, the bleeding finally stopped. Knock on wood. We are now in a room back on the second floor where they have him getting platelets and monitoring him because he has a slight fever. He threw up a bunch of blood that he swallowed and I thought Woody was going to pass out. Poor guy. Poor baby.

Ronan seems to be feeling much better after all of this and is now asking for string cheese and just ate a bunch of Otter Pops. As for me, I’ve decided that most of the things that I’ve been going through are like an out-of-body experience. Sometimes I feel like I’m just watching from above. It’s my way of being able to handle it I guess. I talked to little Jack’s mom via text message tonight (the little boy who has the same thing as Ronan) She is one step ahead of me on everything. She said the same thing about the out-of-body experience. I also asked her if I was weird because when I cut off some of Ronan’s hair, I saved some and put it in a plastic baggy. She said she did the exact same thing. She also said, this does get easier… even though it seems like it never will. Woody is out to dinner with her husband, as we speak. We are so grateful to have them to talk to. I hope I can help someone someday, the way that they are helping us. Ronan is curled up in his hospital bed asleep. Before he fell asleep I told him I loved him and that he was my angel. He just looked at me and smiled.

Back already

We are back at the hospital. Ronan’s nose started bleeding around 10 this morning and we could not get it to stop. His platelets are very low and he has a slight fever. We will be staying over night so they can give him more platelets and monitor him. Please continue praying/sending good thoughts our way.


Nosebleed stopped. Ronan now has a slight fever. He is looking much better. He threw up a bunch of dried blood that was in his tummy from his nosebleed. Now he is eating Otter Pops and threatening to rip out his tubes. My little fighter is back:)

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have

These past 2 weeks have been so hard and I know it’s going to get harder. I’ll never forget when Dr. Wood came into tell me that they had found a mass in Ronan’s stomach. I fell to the floor and could hardly breathe. Wasn’t it just a day before all of this that Woody looked at me and said, “We are so lucky, we have the perfect life.” He would say things like this weekly and thank me for being such a great mom and taking such good care of his boys. And I would always thank him for giving me such a wonderful life and letting me stay home and raise our boys. It was never a right to me; it was always a privilege. We both knew how good we had it. We pretty much had our life map planned out. It included our 3 boys playing lots of sports, doing well in school, having all of their friends over and getting eaten out of our house, our family, lots of traveling, and just being together as much as possible. There is still a plan… I’m just looking at this as a little detour along the way.

I can tell Ronan is starting to feel sick. That’s really hard for me to see. A few weeks ago he was my overly wild, insanly active little guy who was always causing trouble and beating up his 7 year old brothers. The next minute he can hardly walk and does not want to even get out of bed. He is starting to look sick, act sick, and feel sick. It’s heartbreaking to see and watch.

I finally broke down in front of Woody last night. I haven’t done that yet but I was having a day where I was feeling sorry for myself. I hated doing it, I don’t want him to see me hurt the way I am. He has enough to worry about. I wish I wouldn’t have because it did not make me feel better. It was not one of those moments that brought us closer. It was one of those moments that Woody looked at me and told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and to knock it off. I needed to hear that because now is not the time to be weak. I know there will come a time for him to hold me so I can break down. But it was not last night. He needs to be around me when I am strong because we are going to be dealing with this for a very long time. And for the record, he doesn’t read my blog…. it’s probably better that way. He says he doesn’t understand my needing to be vocal about such a private thing. But he supports me, because he knows it helps me.

So, I am going to try my hardest to put on a happy, strong face when I’m around him. And if I need to break down it will be on here or in front of friends…. One of my girlfriends, Ryan, posted something on my Facebook wall today. It said, “You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.” Ain’t that the
f-ing truth.