Finally, a day without any tests on my baby. We got very little sleep last night and Ronan was tired today. We spent most of the day curled up in bed together and then Mimi Kay came to see Ronan so I was able to leave for a while. I went home to a quiet house which was not as pleasant as one would expect. As soon as I walked into my house I felt weak and scared. I tried to keep busy by doing normal things like paying bills, laundry, etc….. but nothing was working. I walked into Ronan’s room and completely fell apart. I sat on his bed and the tears just came pouring out. I screamed into his pillow, beat my head against the wall, and could not stop from crying. I kept thinking, why me, why him, why us?!! After about 20 minutes of this I thought a shower might help. It only made things worse. I turned up the water scolding hot and let myself feel the pain of it burning my skin. I kept thinking, is this how my baby is going to feel going through chemo? Will he burn and hurt like this? I deserve to feel this way, not him. I let the water burn my skin for about 10 minutes and cried my heart out. I kept thinking, I’ve totally failed as a mother; I should have taken him to the doctor 2 months ago when he told me that one day, that his tummy hurt. In 2 days, I’m going to start putting poison in my baby’s body to try to kill this awful disease. This is so unfair and still can’t be real.
When all of this started happening, my friend Lauren kept talking about baby Jack. He is a 3-year-old who has been diagnosed with neuroblastoma as well. Lauren knew of baby Jack from a friend of a friend and passed along his mommy’s number to me. I met Laurie, Zac, and Jack a couple of days ago and they have given me so much hope. Jack is such a beautiful little boy and is responding so well to his treatment. I instantly felt a huge connection to Laurie. It’s just sad that it has to be in this situation because I could tell right away that if these were normal circumstances, I would absolutely be friends with this girl. After sitting with Laurie for about an hour we learned that Ronan and Jack are only a day apart and they were born in the same hospital. How’s that for luck?? Shitty, if you ask me. Laurie is the one I called today while I was in the middle of my 2 hour breakdown at home. I hate that she has to be the one comforting me because she knows exactly what I’m going through. I wish it could have been it was just because she was my friend; not because she is mom who has been in my shoes.
I’m tired tonight and am going to try to get some rest. I wish I could go on and on about my day today and am sad I am too tired to get into how amazing people have been to us. My amazing friends and family, strangers that have heard our story are dropping off beautiful gifts, cards, and just kind words. I will save that for another day and also the story about the 80-year-old woman who was staring at me today while I was getting my twins’ shaved ice. This woman started a prayer circle in the middle of the store because the owner told her about Ronan and prayers are what she just happens to do morning, noon, and night. Angels are all around us. The people who have been kind enough to share their similar stories with me as well. Taking the time to talk to me and reassure me that everything is going to be o.k. I am finding a lot of peace in a time of complete and utter chaos.
Goodnight my angels.