Back in AZ with a Birthday to celebrate. Or not.

Image

Ronan.  We are back home and I am almost done with the whole holiday/celebrations of all things that still feel weird without you. My birthday is Saturday and I promise you I am trying to have a super good attitude about it, but I don’t really feel much like celebrating.  This does not fly with your daddy as all he wants to do is make sure my day is overly the top special.  What is the nicest way to tell him that over the top special to me would be hiding in bed all day, under the covers?  I can’t do that though.  It would break your brothers hearts so I will suck it up and do what is best for them.  I will smile when I blow out my candles and make the same wish I do, every year. The one where I just hope so much that you are alright, safe, and hope that someday, I will see you again.  I will smile for the picture that I know will be taken and I will forever wonder how in the world I can look so happy, in a picture when I feel like I am still so broken, sad and shattered.  It truly is amazing the things we as adults can do to survive such horrific pain.

Washington was all things perfect. Well, almost;) I basically go there and hibernate for the winter.  I feel like I did a lot of sleeping, which I never do well here.  Every night was the same as I would crawl into bed with Poppy and pass out until she woke me up.  Quinn and Liam have their own bedroom there, but they prefer to sleep in my room with me every night in another bed that is in the room.  It’s like a big slumber party and is one of the things in life I love so much.  Every morning when Poppy would wake up and I didn’t want to, Liam would grab her and say, “Mom, do you want me to take her downstairs and play with her so you can sleep a little longer?” Best brother ever and I happily thanked him and told him what a great big brother he was as I snuggled up to Quinn to sleep for another hour or so.  I don’t know if it’s the fresh air, cold weather, or just the comfort of being at home that knocks me out, but it always seems to do so.  I also spent a lot of time running which felt so nice.  I finally feel like I have my running mojo back and it always seems to come back when I am there.  I have a marathon to run in a couple of weeks so I made myself be pretty disciplined with my fake marathon training.  I was pretty consistent with running my standard 3.5 miles just about every night.  I somehow talked Brianna into running this thing with me.  Must be the older sister influence;) She ran with me at home and we even did 7 miles one night which was surprisingly pretty easy.  Her little 19-year-old body will be just fine.

Back in Arizona is hard for me, I’m not going to lie.  The first night we got home I felt like I was sucker punched as I walked through the door to our house without you bouncing behind me.  I handed Poppy to your daddy as he hadn’t seen her in a few days, told him I was exhausted and asked him to please take care of her so I could go to sleep.  I knew the sleep wouldn’t come as all the voices in my head were screaming so loudly.  I haven’t touched anything to sleep in over a year, but that night I needed to just pass out into oblivion for a solid 6 hours so I did.  Oh, how I sometimes miss the days of complete darkness with my old friend, Ambien when the world just quietly slip away.  I had to give up my love for that shit a long time ago due to loving it a little too much, but I think once a year is an o.k. compromise.  Sometimes I just need a night of blackness.  I had warned your daddy, so he was on Poppy duty and was happy to do so as he had missed her so much.

Speaking of Poppy, Ronan. Uhhhh…. remember when I asked you to make her “extra spicy?”  It is too late to give just a bit of that spice back???  What in the world happened to my sweet, cuddly baby girl who just cooed and started sweetly into my eyes all day long?! Now my days are filled with this very wild, strong-willed girl who reminds me of a little boy I once knew so very much.  She has turned into such a little spit fire who is on the go all the time and is constantly babbling, screaming (in a good way) and is into everything.  To say she keeps me on my toes is an understatement as I am chasing her around all day and she is only crawling. Imagine what she is going to be like once she starts to walk!  You know I am loving every second of it and so are your daddy and brothers.  She is full on obsessed with your daddy, too.  In a way that I really don’t remember any of you boys being.  If we are in a room together with her, she wants your daddy over me.  I secretly love it as it is amazing to see the bond between a father and a daughter.  It’s all so new to us all but so beyond sweet.  Your daddy is in total heaven about it.

Alright little man, this is all the update I can do for tonight.  Back to writing this book I go.  I miss you.  I love you.  I hope you are safe.

xx

Did I mention I’m running another marathon without training?!?! Here is my shameless plug.

tumblr_mwnuchIPCb1rkv2gzo1_500

 

 

 

https://fundly.com/run-for-ronan

https://www.facebook.com/theronanthompsonfoundation

This time last week, we posted a thank you for sharing Ronan’s story and getting over 40,000 followers for our page. We asked if people would consider donating to our current campaign, the Rock N Roll marathon challenge. You guys came through for us, donating over $1,000.

But we still have a long way to go in order to get to $100,000. And we only have a short time in which to reach that goal.

Today we are asking for people to sponsor Maya. Yes, that zany girl is doing another marathon with NO TRAINING! She says if Ronan and these kids can go through horrific cancer treatments, she can certainly run a marathon without training. And if she can run 26.2 miles with no training (not long after giving birth, no less)…I think we should sponsor her and get her to her personal fundraising goal of $10,000!

We are not asking anyone to give who isn’t able to. We are only asking that you consider doing what you can. If you can skip a couple Starbucks and donate $10, we love you. If you’re independently wealthy and can sponsor $10,000 without blinking…we love you AND we’re a little jealous.

To sponsor Maya directly, please donate to her fundraising page:
https://fundly.com/m2/run-for-ronan

Unfortunately the minimum donation is $10 and we could not get it lowered. But if you think “only” $10 won’t do anything, please reconsider! If only 25% of our followers here gave $10, that would fund our entire $100,000 campaign. We need you to help us raise this money for desperately necessary research toward pediatric cancer. We are so thankful for all of you and we know that once again, you will come through for us.

Perks! Everyone loves perks!
Anyone sponsoring Maya will get their name on a special page on our site highlighting Maya’s sponsorship team!

A randomly chosen person who makes a sponsorship pledge for Maya today will also get a video thanks from her and a special thank you gift.

I want the house with the tire swing…

tumblr_mtghe9dbWF1sw193ao1_500

 

 

 

Ronan. Somehow, life is still just going on without you. I’m not so sure how this just continues to happen, but it does. Right now, I am listening to the chitter chatter of your daddy and brothers as they root for the Raiders football team while watching the game in the other room. Poppy is sound asleep beside me and I just spent the entire day lost in her little coo’s and giggles. I catch myself a lot, stopping dead in my tracks after feeling myself feel the happiness she brings to my life. Happiness that exists without you here, but trust me, its not guilt free or the kind of happiness I used to have back when your little feet would go pitter patter across the floor. This happiness comes with a very heavy price that never goes away. This happiness, feels heavy as the absence of you is never far from my mind, heart, body, or soul. This happiness is heavy.

Your daddy just took your brothers to play basketball except Quinn who came in to tell me goodbye, decided not to go because he saw the tears rolling down my cheeks. The tears of this is all sometimes too much, the tears of all the other kids that I know who are going through this, the tears of the parent’s like us, who are left with a dead child due to this world that is a fucking crap shoot if you survive because it really is all just a game of Russian roulette. And when you lose, you lose big time. There are no do overs or second chances no matter how loudly you scream and cry and call out your dead child’s name at the top of a mountain because you think if you scream it loudly enough, he will come home. Not home as in fucking heaven, but home as in back into your arms, where your child belongs. Where you belong with me and should have been with me until I was the one old and dying, not you, young and dying while I watched you take your last breaths.

Every single day I take your brothers to school, I drive past the cutest little house with the most perfect little tire swing in the front yard. I crank my neck as far as it will go, to try to get a peek into this little world of the tire swing house. Sometimes, I see the mom coming out of it, pushing her other kids in the stroller. I think to myself, remember when I had the tire swing life. The memories of bliss come flooding in but are usually followed by hot tears as what once was, but never will be again. It takes me a minute to regroup and give myself the little pep that I often have to do. The one of you have x, y, and z and you need to be thankful for that which is such a bullshit pep talk. I know I have x, y, and z, but it does not make this pain, any less or any of this right.

Last week, I was taking your brothers to school and we were running late so I just dropped them at the cross walk. As I was slowly trying to navigate my way through traffic, a lady who was passing me motioned for me to roll down my window. I had never seen her before and just as I rolled my window down I heard her yell, “YOU GO GIRL! YOU KEEP FIGHTING CANCER!” This caught me off guard as well as made me laugh. You see, it’s moments like this when I am so caught up in my “I’m just a grieving mom role” when those little pushes and words of encouragement help me out the most. Sometimes I forget what I am actually doing because all I know is I’m just really, really sad and lost without you. But things like this help me to see that I must be doing something right for this stranger off the street to yell these words to me. I think I’m going to have a tee-shirt made up that say those exact same words, just to remind me that I am kicking ass and taking names and I can do this no matter how sad I might be.

This Friday night is our second annual Gold Party. Your Nana is coming into town as well as Macy, Rachel, Charisma, and your Fairy RoMo. It’s going to be such a wonderful weekend full of all of my favorite people. I am going to do my best to make it such a wonderful, sparkly night all for the sake of you. It’s always in my head that this party is for you, and for all the people who love and support this cause. This party is my way of saying thank you to all the people out there, who love you and are supporting all that we are trying to do. Although the reason for this party is sad and so beyond fucked up and wrong, I promise you that I will wear the biggest smile on my face for the night and hope that you are watching all that I am doing to try to make you proud. I love you so much little man and I will never stop screaming or crying for you. I promise to always try my hardest to make the wrongest things, somewhat right.

Alright little man, this is all I can do for tonight. I have been wiped out lately and my pillow is calling my name, even at this early hour. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

A mushy messy update because too much has been going on.

tumblr_mrn83dB0Xo1rsbthxo1_500

 

 

 

Ronan. At the moment, I am feeling defeated. And really lost, lonely, used, and sad. I look around in the world and all I see are these fake plastic smiles. People who pretend they care, but they don’t. People who say they do, but they don’t. And just when I am coming up to get some air, I get the most devastating news delivered to me, since your death. I don’t think this is my news to share as it hit a little too close to home. I don’t think I need permission to share what it is that is going on, but I’m not feeling right about sharing it on here at the moment. I need to talk to the people in my life that I am closest to about how to handle all of this since this is my very open and honest blog, and when I talk on here it is about what is impacting my life at this very moment. I’m just not quite sure how to handle this. At this point, I am beyond heartbroken, scared, and sad. My family has been through so much. We don’t need anymore pain, but we cannot seem to escape it. I’m just so tired of it all. I’m just so tired of being sad, mostly. I’m learning to rely on my old friends more and seem to be wanting to keep them as close as I possibly can. The ones who I can trust and the ones who won’t let me down. The ones who are my family.

Just when I think my days cannot get any worse as I am trying to absorb the news that I have been hit with, your baby sister looks at me and rolls over for the first time. She feels me with hope, happiness, and a light that nobody can destroy because no matter what happens, she is mine and I am hers. I look at her, take a deep breath, and watch her little eyes fill up with a love that I have not seen in such a very long time. Eyes full of innocence, light and love that know no pain. Her eyes remind me so much of yours. I spent the weekend in a fog but a productive fog like always. Basketball games, time with your brothers, family things. I was out and about with Poppy, running errands in the retched heat. A lady came up to me in a parking lot, telling me her sad story and asking if I would buy her food. She was telling me how hungry she was, how she had lost her house, her life, her everything. I loaded Poppy in the car, grabbed some cash out of my wallet and handed it to her, but I couldn’t even speak. She then said to me, “Bless you child, bless you.” I looked up at her, my eyes filled with tears and I wanted to scream, “But NOBODY is blessing me! My son is dead, and now I am dealing with x,y, and z!” I screamed those words over and over in my head instead of out loud while I drove away into the hot bursting sun that looked like it was going to explode.

This is the part where I say, I know I am blessed to have the things that I have Ronan such as your brothers and sister, of course. I never forget that. But, I think I am entitled on some days to scream that I am in fact not blessed at all because I’m still just so mad, sad, angry and hurt over your cancer, all you went through and that you ended up dying anyway. Some days I am not blessed because I am still too blinded by the never-ending torture cancer killed my baby and I just want you back. And just when I am feeling like all hope is lost, something amazing appears out of the blue, only to be sent by you.

So, I started this post a little over a week ago. I have decided not to go into much detail as to what is going on, as I want to be respectful to my family. Nobody is hurt as of now. My brother is struggling with some issues, but thanks to my mom and her never-ending dying love for her children, he is safe for now. It’s no secret that my brother and I have not had the closest relationship, but at the end of the day, I love him and his sweet soul. I am begging you, Ronan, to help him get through this. I spoke to my brother on the phone a couple of days ago. I begged my mom to make him talk to me. He was resisting. She held the phone up to his ear and I just simply said, “Hey. I love you. I am here for you no matter what.” He told me through is his tears that he knew this and he loved me, too. I then said, “I am proud of you and I know you can do this.” I hope he carries those words with him and all that is he about to go through. I hope most of all, Ronan, he carries you with him and remembers your big blue eyes and how strong and brave you always were. I hope he can channel a little of your strength so he can come out of this healed and ready to start his new life that I know he is so capable of. I am so thankful for my mom for so many reasons, but today I am thankful for her because she single handily has saved my brother’s life. It’s up to him now to do the rest and I just hope and pray that he comes out the other side of this, Ronan. I know you will help him through this the best you can.

So, after my pity party week of feeling super sad, lost and alone, of course something magical appears as it always does when I need it the most. Remember how I told you that amazing company SpiritHoods jumped on board when I asked them to make a Spicy Monkey Hood in honor of you? WOW. I had no idea what this was going to turn into, but Ronan, I think we just did something big. Something so very big that is going to help change this world of childhood cancer that everybody seems to just ignore. I got a very last-minute email from the founder of the company, Alexander. It said something like, “Hey, I’m in Vegas next week, can I come from there to meet you?” You know my rule about never saying no to things, right? I try not to anymore. Ever. So of course I said yes even with everything that I have going on. Plans were made, and as always, I was not sure what to expect, so I just hoped for the best.

Do you know those moments in life when for a spit second, everything just feels right? That’s what if felt like for me the second I finally got to wrap my arms around Alexander and his stunningly gorgeous wife, Shay. Alexander is the founder of SpirtHoods and Shay is his wife, side kick and partner in everything. The two of them, combined, are beyond magic. We spent some time getting to know one another, but honestly I knew from the second I met them, that I have somehow, somewhere, known them before. Or maybe you knew them, Ronan which is why I felt so close and so at ease with them. I’ve been holding some things back in regards to your death and saving them for just the right people, the right moment, and the right time to do something really amazing and powerful with. I have no doubt in my mind, Alexander and Shay are just the right people to share our everything with.

The Spicy Monkey SpiritHood that was only just a dream of mine, is coming true. With 100% of the proceeds, going back to your Foundation. I am so thankful and humbled to be partnered up with this amazing organization. But the SpirtHood is only the beginning. After we got to talking, an idea came about because Alexander believed we could really take this story, to the next level. So, we made a short film. And a long documentary, as well. One full of days and nights of real footage, B-roll footage, interviews from our dearest souls, not a lot of sleep, lots of tears, sadness, laughter, honesty, love, and what day is it today?! Ronan, it is going to be so powerful. I held NOTHING back with all the sadness, truth and pain that the world of childhood cancer is really about, but nobody wants to show.

Little man. I will finish this post and this story, but not tonight. I started this over a week ago but between all that has been going on, I have not had the time to finish. Book writing is #1 priority right now, after your sister and brothers, of course.

Poppy and I took the red-eye out to NYC a couple of days ago. We needed a break before September, so to the Hamptons we went to see our Fairy RoMo. I so needed this break. I so needed to clear my head. I so needed to spend some time with one of our favorites and your Poppy sister’s Godmama. It’s lovely here. Beyond words.

I need to get some sleep. Everything is fuzzy and hurts. I’ll finish the rest of this, tomorrow I hope. Just wanted to give you some sort of an update.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

 

I never fall asleep without thinking of you all

tumblr_mr5e4iCQ3m1r18dpzo1_500

 

 

I just want to take a minute on here and say thank you to all of you. After being away for the summer, I came home to piles and piles of mail, gifts for Poppy, checks for the foundation, and I even got glitter bombed after opening up a box. You all make me smile, laugh, and cry on a daily basis and although I can’t write each and every one of you thank you’s… please know that I am doing it here, and I say thank you to you all about 100 times a day in my head.

There are so many amazing things going on. If you have a second, please read about what the amazing Jim Fry is doing below.

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/jimfry/hauteroute

If you have the means, please donate to his fundraiser. Every little cent helps. If you don’t have the means, please spread the word for us. What Jim is doing is inspiring and so moving. Even with all of his determination, he knows it is nothing compared to what these kids go through and that is the most moving thing of all.

I feel a movement happening in the world. One that I am so touched by. I’ve literally received thousands and thousands of emails and letters from not only adults everywhere, but kids as well. Kids who I swear are going to change this world of pediatric cancer. They are holding fundraisers for Ronan, starting clubs at their schools, writing reports about the lack of awareness out there, doing amazing school projects about Ronan’s foundation, writing songs for him, doing their birthday parties and instead of gifts they are asking for donations instead, etc…. I live for the youth of America. I live for these kids who are going to grow up to do amazing things all because of a little boy they learned about because he will never get the chance.  And they know that is so wrong and how it could happen to anyone; even them. They aren’t scared and running the other way. They are being proactive about this very broken world and to me, the mother of a child who died from this… that means everything.

I got sent a little poem from a 13-year-old girl named Eugenia. She had a class assignment and it was to describe a room and explain how the objects in the room say things about the person living in it. She chose to do it about my bedroom. The poem is below.

The light on at night illuminates how she doesn’t sleep well thinking about how she feels it’s her fault

The athletic shoes next to the door jog the idea that she runs to clear her mind

The pictures of her son all over the room visualize how they were close and that she misses him like crazy

His little bald head in the photos discloses that his life was a hard one even though it was short

His toys on the floor play out his innocence; how he was taken too young at 3 years old

The boxes of tissues whisper about how she spends every day crying over him

The spot on her bed between her and her husband portrays that he would sleep in their bed

The urn on her night stand murmurs that they keep him close and never let him go

The necklace around her neck filled with some of his ashes witnesses how she needs to keep him close to survive

The letters of apologies opened and unopened spell out how many loved ones he had

The bracelets with his name on them tie up the fact that they are trying to spread the word of this horrible disease

The computer on the floor next to the bed reminds us how she needs her blog to express her emotions of grief and pain and tell his story 

The sonogram under the pillow wet with tears of joy and despair portraits how her new baby will be a girl; he always said he wanted a little sister

The deep sad look in her eyes sends the message to us that even on the happiest of days she will always be sad because her life is incomplete without him.

 For Maya and Ro. Always for Ro.

 

 

This 13-year-old gets me better than most adults. As I read the words above, the tears just poured to the floor. I thought it was so heartfelt and beautiful. I am so moved by this younger generation of kids and the way they are helping move these mountains. Thank you, E. Don’t let anyone every dull your sparkle;) You are making this world a better place.

I’ve got to run now and work on this book.

I hope you all are well and please know that I know, that I would not be where I am today, without you. Thank you for helping me to fight for my little boy so much so that his name will never get lost.

xx

 

Secret Dimples and Butterflies

tumblr_mp564w34Dd1rojbm4o1_500

Ronan. You know what got me through today? That little secret dimple you gave Poppy. The exact same one you had hidden on your little right lower cheek. The one that only came out when you smile or pouted.

The picture below is you at around a year. This was Poppy yesterday. That secret little dimple is such a gift that every time I see it, I get butterflies in my stomach. You are beyond amazing for doing this and this is absolute proof that you played such a huge role in all things Poppy.

Thank you, Ro.

xoxo

334_34485346666_1349_nphoto 5

Instagram is where it’s at

tumblr_mom7vm4Ytd1qf4h75o1_500

 

 

I know you all worry when I go radio silent for a while. The best way to keep up with me when I’m not writing on this blog is via Instagram. I’m pretty much obsessed and think it is the best social media invention ever. Poppy and I just posted our first video. No carrots for Poppy. Sorry, Pops.

So, follow me if you want to keep up with me and this insane life I live without my Robaby, while trying everyday to make sure he is a part of everything I do.

Love you, Ronan. Miss you so much.

 

http://instagram.com/mamamaya

For those of you who want to sponsor me…

photo

 

 

THANK YOU! I’ve gotten so many emails from people saying they can’t run, but would love to sponsor me. What do I say to that?!?! HECK YES! And thank you times a million! You all are such wonderful, beautiful souls.

I know Ronan is so proud of all we are doing. The link to sponsor me is down below. Nothing can stop me from running for Ro. Not even these E size milk filled boobs.

xoxo

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/rockandro/runlikearockstar

Turns out Maybelline Great Lash Mascara isn’t so great when you’re a bloody mess

tumblr_mnzdxkF5q51ralo3eo1_500

Ronan. Finally, I can sit down and have some time with you. I hate that I haven’t been able to write, let alone breathe lately. I’ve been so unbelievably busy that I swear by the time my head hits the pillow at night, I am out like a light. Such a change from how things used to be. I miss my insomnia nights where I used to stay up and write to you. Poppy has been keeping me incredibly busy. I forgot how time-consuming this whole breast-feeding thing is and your little sister has such an appetite that I swear I am feeding her around the clock. I know it’s what’s best for her and I love spending the time with her doing it, but it does leave little time to get things done around here. I’m just trying to soak it all in still because I know how quickly this time passes. Things are still going amazing with that little sister of yours. She is still a happy girl and is sleeping at night like a champ. None of us can get enough of her. I won’t let her out of my sight and she goes everywhere with me. She even went to her first board meeting the other night and didn’t make a peep as everyone passed her around to love on her. The amount of love for this baby girl blows me away. It’s like she’s getting double the dose from everyone due to the impact you’ve had on all of us, Ronan. She is so lucky to be surrounded by the most amazing souls. I can only imagine what an amazing little human being this will make her. Tomorrow, she will already be 2 months. It has flown by so fast and she is changing so much. She’s now doing really cute things like smiling and cooing at us all. Macy swears she can understand everything we are saying and she trying to have a conversation back with us. The way her eyes look at all of us while we are talking to her makes me think she is right. This Poppy girl already seems to know so much.

Your brothers are out of school. Normally, we would be in San Diego by now but this year we decided to take a little break. Your daddy was burnt out on it and I don’t blame him. One more year of going to the same spot where we always took you, without you was going to be too much for me to handle. I almost had a nervous breakdown last year. Too many almost 4-year-old blond-haired boys running about. Too many swimming pools without you in it. Too much of everything I pretty much never care to see again. It wasn’t therapeutic and it wasn’t healthy for me to be there last year and I have no interest in returning back to a place that I so desperately want to be the same, but it never will be the same again. So we are still in AZ. Your brothers have started a basketball camp which they love but it’s only for a couple of hours a day. The rest of our days have mostly been spent just hanging out having play dates, swimming, and they have helped me with a lot of things around here. We have our little, Rachel, in from NYC. I love having her here so much. We all do. Just another one of those amazing things to come from this blog and from you. She is our family and I love seeing her with your Poppy sister. Now, if I could only get her to move in and be our nanny;) Something tells me that would not be enough to keep our little smarty pants I just graduated NYC and now am working at Columbia University entertained. I am so proud of her and all she is doing. Macy calls her Saint Rachel because she is that amazing at 22. I feel so blessed to have come across this soul who is now a part of our family. We are all going to miss her so much when she leaves. Hopefully she will come out to Washington and visit us when we are there this summer.

That is what we are doing this summer. I am taking your brothers and sister to Nana and Papa’s house. It’s all your brothers have been talking about for months. I’ve been having to listening to them begging to go out earlier, but we had some things to take care of around here first. Believe me, I am just as excited as they are. I miss my parents and my childhood house where I always feel so safe and sound at, even under the shittiest of circumstances. It will be nice to have help with your sister and brothers. Washington is my place of peacefulness where I feel like I can actually breathe for a little bit. And no almost 4 year old blond boys exist. It will be nice to take a little break from the rat race that I often get caught up in here. I have lots of plans that mostly consist of no plans at all, besides spending a ton of time with your brothers and Papa Jim doing our favorite things like fishing, hiking, playing hide and seek until dark, and enjoying all the beauty the pacific northwest has to offer this time of year, including hopefully many days of rain. Please, please, please Washington rain gods, work your magic. I have been missing our rain so much, Ro.

We had a board meeting the other night. We have so many things in the works and so much coming up. A few top secret things that involve a kick ass rockstar. We still have not heard back on the petition to light the Whitehouse Gold for September. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I am still hoping for the best. After the board meeting, I told your daddy I would have Fernanda drive me home because I needed to spend some time with her. We had a lot to talk about and as always, it circled back around to you. I know you know how I am. I don’t let my guard down in front of many people. I much prefer to do all of my crying alone, and don’t often do I do it in front of others. There are only a handful of people who I am comfortable enough with to let everything out. I’ve never had a guard up with Fernanda which is why after our little pow wow, I could barely get my ass back into our house because I was seriously blinded by my tears and the fucking cheap ass mascara I wore that day. Remind me never to wear a different brand of mascara than I normally do. I came into the house, my eyes were black and stinging so badly from the mascara running in them, that I had your daddy in a complete panic. I ran to the bathroom to take out my contacts and wash my face while your daddy hovered over me begging me to tell him what was wrong. It’s the same thing it always is, Ronan. You are dead, I would give anything to have you back, I sometimes still don’t want to be here, because I just want to be with you, where are you? who is taking care of you? and why can’t it be me? Everything in my body still yearns for you, screams for you, begs for you in the worst way. Sometimes your daddy and I sit and bed at night and whisper secrets.

“Do you ever think Poppy has parts of Ronan?” he asked me the other night.
I quietly said, “Yes.”

“Me, too.” he said. “Is that wrong?”

I just told him through my tears, “If it gets us through this, does it really matter?”

I don’t think that it does, Ronan. She is parts of you without a doubt. Just like Liam and Quinn are, too. Many days I catch glimpses of you through your brothers and it helps me in a way. I see you in Quinn’s still sometimes with his mischievous ways. I see you in Liam’s strength and the way he carries himself so proud, like you always did. Poppy feels like you. She reminds me of you. I know you sent her to me to give me a little piece of you back. And some days I think you sent her to me to give me a lot of you back. I don’t care how whack-a-doodle that sounds. Thinking that way helps me to survive this insanely painful life without you here. I can’t tell your baby pictures apart. I can’t get over that she has the same little secret dimple that you had only when you smiled in the same exact spot. It gives me goosebumps and butterflies at the same time. I like living in this Poppyland. It feels o.k. again. Some days it even feels good.

Alright little man. I miss you so much. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams baby doll. G’nite.

xoxo

P.S. Please keep our Kassie safe while she is away on her amazing African adventure. I know she took you with her. Thanks, baby.

P.P.S. Does anybody know anybody high up at our local cable company Cox Communications?? Woody went to tour one of our Ronanld McDonald Houses here today because we are looking to help them with some of their wish list items. We would like to make some things better for the families that have to stay there. Turns out, they don’t have the place wired for cable because Cox wants to charge them full price and won’t give them a discount. Seriously? That makes me so mad. I love it when people try to make money off of people who are going through a hard time. It’s a freaking non-profit, Cox Communications. Give me a break. I might like to write them a little letter or speak to somebody who is higher up over there. Thanks, lovies for anything you can do.

xx

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

  • Instagram is my BFF

    Happiness is playing in the forest in a tutu. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #washingtonsummer #tutusandmud #babydoll #theadventuresofpoppy #mybabe #luckymama This is life. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #getbusylivingorgetbusydying #washingtonsummer #gooutside #mybabe #illkeepyousafeyoukeepmewild #missyouro This little human has saved my heart. It will never be whole again, but she has put back pieces that I thought were forever gone. So thankful for you, Poppy Roo. And Liam and Quinn, too. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #washingtonsummer #allgoodthingsarewildandfree #missmyboys #missyouro #summeroflove
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 24,338 other followers

%d bloggers like this: