I spy some cuties in the audience!
Posted by rockstarronan on June 18, 2013
Ronan. I hate the days that I don’t write because I feel like so much happens and then when I try to remember it all, my days are all boggled together and I cannot remember the details properly. Let’s see… after Rachel left I mainly just spent the next week or so getting ready for our trip to Washington State to see Nana and Papa. I told you we skipped San Diego this year and we are honestly all fine with it. Your brothers wanted to do basketball camp and hang with their friends, so that is what we did up until this point, when they left for Washington today. They drove out with your daddy. Road trip for the boys! Poppy and I stayed behind to take care of some things. We will fly out to Washington in a couple of days and I cannot wait. I’m ready for a break from this heat and all things Arizona. Too much reality here and even with Poppy as a distraction, my head feels like it’s going to explode. I need a break and there is no place I would rather be then at my childhood house where I always feel safe and loved.
Tonight, being in our house with just your Poppy sister and your Urn leaves me feeling anxious in a way that I haven’t felt in a while. Slumber party for 3? It’s just all so wrong. This house. This life. Your empty bed. Your ashes in your urn sitting on my dresser. I thought this alone time would be nice but I was wrong. It just feels sad and empty, even with your little sister curled up beside me. You should be with your daddy and brothers in some hotel room in California. They went to a baseball game tonight and Disneyland tomorrow. Liam said it perfectly when he told your daddy tonight that he wished you were there and we were all together. Such a simple thing that I know so many people take for granted and we would give anything for. Just being together, all of us the way it used to be. Your brothers sounded like they had the best time tonight and hearing Quinn talk to me on the phone made me miss them so much. I hate being away from them. Tomorrow, they go to Disneyland. I’m still not brave enough to go back there. One day we will have to take Poppy, but not now. I think I will hold off on that little adventure for a little while. How you loved that place though. The last time we took you there you were so happy. We were all so happy, perfect and content. How it can all be shattered in the blink of an eye still seems like insanity to me, but I live it everyday. Insanity is my reality.
I’ve done a couple of crazy things this past week. One of them involved talking to a medium and the other one involved taking a chance on a stranger who sent me an email that I just couldn’t ignore. I’ll start with the email from the mom first.
I get a lot of emails. I usually wake up to about 300 a day in my inbox. I do my best to read them, but sometimes I just can’t because there is not enough time in my day. For some reason, the subject line of this email grabbed my attention and I sat on the couch reading the entire thing, not just skimming the words. Your daddy came into the room. I told him I had to read him this email and as I attempted to do so, my voice quivered and I could hardly finish the words that I was trying to read. It was from a mom who had lost her son, also. She talked about how the one year shit-o-versary of his death was coming up, how she was reaching out to me, a stranger because she had nothing left to lose, and how some days the only reason she woke up was to read this blog. She was asking for help for her son’s 1 year coming up. She wanted to flee to Sedona to go hike, maybe meet up, see Dr. Jo?? Anything to get her through the day. I emailed her back. The next thing I know, plans were made for her to fly to Portland for a few days where we will meet up and spend the day together. Is that crazy? Maybe, but as always, I’m just going with my gut on this. You can read Danna’s story here and meet her little man, Paxton, and decide for yourself if she’s a serial killer.
I don’t think that she is. We’ve talked on the phone a few times and seem to have a really great connection and unfortunately a really shitty thing in common. I will help her as best as I can, get through the day. I don’t even know what that looks like as of now, but I think it might include a day of hiking, not tattoos and skydiving like I’m sure I would have insisted on a year ago. A calmer day where we will look for little signs of you and Paxton, everywhere.
So… the medium thing. It’s been something I’ve been wanting to do for a while, but I just haven’t pursued it. I got an email from a little friend of mine from a distance. I say that because I don’t know her that well, but she is always sending me the best emails, giving me snippets of advice, cheers, and love. Her emails have become some of my favorite things in life. So when her email came, I jumped through the roof. I actually literally jumped from my bed, screaming for your daddy and leaving Quinn chasing after me saying, “MOM! What is it?!” Well, it turns out I was the ONLY one excited in our house about the possibility of hearing from you, through someone else. Your daddy might have been straight pissed off. We nicely argued about me speaking to a Medium for about 12 hours. I ended up winning. Duh. Once I get something in my head… you know how I am. So the next day I woke up trying to act so casual, calm, cool and collected about what was about to come, but really I was jumping out of my skin. I even had a list of questions written out. Such a little over achiever I am, Ronan. If only it would have been this way in high school;)
My first question was of course, “Where is Ronan?” The rest of my questions went a little something like this:
Who is taking care of him?
Is he safe, happy, o.k.?
Did he always know he was only meant for this world for a short amount of time?
What does he want me to stay here and do?
Am I making him proud?
Will I see him again?
Did he send Poppy to us to help heal our hearts?
Does he have friends? Does he know Teddy, Ezra, Hazen, Charlotte, Ava, and Penelope?
Is he in every hummingbird we see?
Does he send me the rain?
Will he keep Poppy, Liam and Quinn safe?
Does he see us?
Is he as sad as I am?
Does he like Poppy’s name?
Is he happy she’s in his room?
Why did this happen?
Please tell him to come home. I’ll let him drink that beer he loved to steal from his daddy. (that kid was beer obsessed and this goes to prove my theory that Ronan was in fact a little old British man in a past life).
Those were all of my questions and when the time came to speak on the phone, I got to ask none of them, but just listened instead. I know that anybody can google my name to find our story and tell me the sacred things that you and I loved. So was I skeptical? Maybe just a little but I tried to listen with an open heart and an open mind. I was told the standard things that you would think a medium would tell a grieving, desperate mom.
“He knew you were with him in the end, holding his hand, he is happy and safe. He can play baseball now. You gave him the best life and he was so happy while he was with you. You are his version of heaven. He doesn’t want you to be sad when you see one of his favorite shows on T.V. He has lots of hair now. He will keep his sister safe. She is going to live a long and healthy life, the one he couldn’t live. He loves you to the moon and back, butterfly kisses…
I listened for a half an hour. I cried, not knowing if this was real or fake or at this point, if I even cared because that is how desperate I was to hear anything from you. After I hung up the phone, I felt a little sad and let down. I wanted her to tell me something only you and I would know, not anything I had ever put out there in the world. I didn’t have a moment of “Oh my god, how could she know that? Only WE knew that!” I’m sure my sadness mostly just stemmed from no matter how hard I try to “get to you,” I just can’t in the way that I will forever yearn for. I was grateful for the phone call and the fact that I can say I indeed have done the whole medium thing. Another little thing checked off of my list.
Alright little man. This is all for tonight. Your Poppy sister needs me. I will give her some butterfly kisses from you.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
Posted by rockstarronan on June 18, 2013
This is one of my favorite songs off of Taylor’s Red album. I sing it to your Poppy sister all the time and I’ve been waiting for this video to come out. One of my favorite moments during Taylor’s concert was watching her from the sound booth perform this song and looking over at her dad who was singing it along with her. I swear my heart melted right then and there.
Taylor and Ed. Everything has changed. Love, love, love.
Posted by rockstarronan on June 17, 2013
Just wanted to check in. I’ve been writing, just not on this blog. I’ll update soon but between foundation things, Poppy things, the twins being home for summer, traveling, and working on this book, things have been a little crazy.
I miss you all. Missing my Ro most of all, always. I’m working hard to make my little man proud. Here are some new pics of Poppy. She is still the sweetest little thing and we are enjoying her so much. Hope you all are having a great summer! Love you much!
Posted by rockstarronan on June 17, 2013
Ronan. Our little, Rachel went back to NYC this morning and I hated to see her go. We had the best time with her here and she is another one of those big reasons that I am so thankful for this blog. Without it, I may have never known this amazing soul who I’m sure was my little sister in a past life or something. Somehow or somewhere, we have crossed paths before. There is just no other way to explain the bond and connection we have. Never in my life have I met a more centered and beautiful 21-year-old in my life. Rachel is everything I hope Poppy grows up to be. She is brilliant beyond measures, mature, wise, compassionate, polite, sassy, hard working, loving, funny, strong, independent, adventurous, and truly knows how to stand her ground in this crazy world. I can’t wait to watch all she does in this life as I know she is going to change the world.
After I got home from taking her to the airport this morning I walked into your brothers room to find your daddy, Liam, Quinn, and Poppy. Your daddy goes, “Did you get Rachel off o.k?” I told him I did. He then goes, “That’s sad.” I said, “What’s sad?” He said, “I know you’re sad that she had to go. I wish she could have stayed longer, too. She was a great house guest.” I just smiled and said that it was o.k. Although in my mind I was wishing she could move in and stay with us forever. Your bed looked so much more happy with her in it. I’ll never forget the first time I met Rachel and I don’t really even remember how it came about except for she had been reading my blog and knew I was coming to New York City, alone to take a little time for myself. Somehow it turned into, “Want to meet up?” And of course I said yes because I just had a feeling about this girl. I am so glad I took a leap of faith and a chance and opened up my heart when it was so broken. My little, has helped me in ways she will never know. It’s people like Rachel that make living this life a little easier because she brings such beauty to it. Even though she may have tried to hide Poppy in her purse and take her to New York with her;) Don’t worry, little. We’ll come visit you soon. We are missing you so much already.
The 9th came and went. It was an o.k. day. We didn’t do anything dangerous. Instead Rach helped me get organized around the house. We cleaned out drawers, organized closets and dressers, we loved on Poppy and your brothers. We met up with Fernanda and Stacy for dinner where I got to sit and talk with my friends while Poppy slept away in their arms. It was a good way to spend the 9th. For once, I didn’t have the desire to jump out of an airplane without a parachute. Your brothers birthday was the next day. 10 years old, Ronan. I don’t even know how that happened. I woke up and made them a big breakfast before basketball camp. We opened up gifts and they were so excited, happy, and thankful. After camp we spent the rest of the day playing with Fernanda and her kids for the majority of the day. I broke down about halfway through the day as I had done all I could do. I tried my best to be the strong and happy mom for most of the day but there came a point when I couldn’t stomach the fact that you were not here with us to celebrate and the tears just started pouring. There was no controlling them so I just let them fall. I was back in Fernanda’s bedroom with one of her boys who is so in love with Poppy that he just wanted to hold her all day long. I was sitting quietly with him and we were whispering back and forth to each other about Poppy. There was something about seeing him holding her and the way he was looking at her that reminded me so much of you. I think it was the look in his eyes as they were filled with so much love, happiness, and peace. It’s the way I know you would have stared at her, too. Brando kills me anyway as I totally have such a soft spot for that kid. He is only a couple of years older than you. Right after you died, I remember being at Fernanda’s house and I was back in the boys’ room. Brando just looked at me and said, “I’m sorry about Ronan.” I was speechless as I think he was only about 6 when this happened and I remember thinking to myself, “I don’t care how little this boy is, he gets it.” I’ll never forget that moment with him and how much it meant to me. I’m a sucker for all of her kids, but Brando always seems to tug at my heart just a little more. While I was crying on the bed with Brando and Poppy, Brando looked at me and said, “Are you o.k.?” I just nodded my head that I was, even though I really was not. I tried to stop the tears, but it didn’t work and Rach and Fernanda came into the room to find me silently sobbing. My tears lasted a majority of the day. I just wanted you with us, running about the way you should have been with your big brothers on their 10th birthday.
We ended the night with messy, messy, ice cream cake, singing Happy Birthday and lighting off fireworks that we acted like weren’t supposed to be lit off. As we were jumping and dancing about I heard our little Rachel yell to Quinn, “Rules were meant to be broken, Quinny!” I laughed out loud. Indeed they are, little which is another reason I love you so much. Ronan, you would have loved the boys’ birthday so much. I hope you were there watching us and cracking up at the things we did and you could see even through my tears, I can smile and laugh, too. The night ended by tucking our little in as I sat with her and talked about life, love, loss, and the people we choose to surround ourselves with. I told her how I’ve learned some lessons along the way about the people that have floated in and out of my life. How you, Ronan, are the root of all things good, beautiful, and pure and as long as I remember that I think I will be able to continue to do things that will make you proud. I’m not here to deal with drama. I’m not here to deal with BS. I’m going to live this life the way I want to live it, not the way other people think I should. At one point I was talking to Rach about Stacy and I was telling her how we met, how long we’ve known each other, how we lost touch after our husbands graduated law school together and how we had made plans to meet up after a few years had passed and how we were supposed to go to dinner on the night you were diagnosed. I tole Rach from that moment on, how Stace swooped in and her and Fernanda took charge of everything. How we may have had our bumps along the way, but at the end of the day I always know Stacy never forgets why it is she is here, doing what she is doing. She never forgets this is all for you and because of you. Screw me. I’ll say screw me all day long as I’m not the one who matters in all of this. It’s you. I get told a lot how strong I am, how inspirational, etc… You know what I say to all of that? I’m not any of those things, but you are Ronan. I am just simply here, trying to make you proud by doing the things I know you would want done. You were the strong one. You were the brave one. I was just simply lucky enough to be your mom.
After my pow wow with Rachel, I went to kiss your brothers good night. Quinn wanted to snuggle Poppy so we got into bed with him. We all said our goodnights. I told your brothers how lucky I am to have them and how I hope they know how much I love them and am proud of them. This is what Quinn said. “Goodnight mom, Goodnight Liam, Goodnight Poppy, Goodnight Ro. I love you. I wish you were here.”
Always, Ronan. We always wish you were here.
I love you, baby doll. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
P.S. Thank you to all of you who reached out to me about the cable for The Ronald McDonald House. We’ve got some amazing people helping us out and I am crossing my fingers that something can be done. I know it may seem like such a silly thing to some because we are lucky enough to have the basic things in this world like clean water, food, etc… But trust me, when your child is neutropenic and cannot do a thing except watch Mickey Mouse Club House and the parents are so beat down from all they are going through, a little thing like that can really help one get through the day. Again, thank you all. You truly are angels on this earth.
Posted by rockstarronan on June 11, 2013
Ronan. Finally, I can sit down and have some time with you. I hate that I haven’t been able to write, let alone breathe lately. I’ve been so unbelievably busy that I swear by the time my head hits the pillow at night, I am out like a light. Such a change from how things used to be. I miss my insomnia nights where I used to stay up and write to you. Poppy has been keeping me incredibly busy. I forgot how time-consuming this whole breast-feeding thing is and your little sister has such an appetite that I swear I am feeding her around the clock. I know it’s what’s best for her and I love spending the time with her doing it, but it does leave little time to get things done around here. I’m just trying to soak it all in still because I know how quickly this time passes. Things are still going amazing with that little sister of yours. She is still a happy girl and is sleeping at night like a champ. None of us can get enough of her. I won’t let her out of my sight and she goes everywhere with me. She even went to her first board meeting the other night and didn’t make a peep as everyone passed her around to love on her. The amount of love for this baby girl blows me away. It’s like she’s getting double the dose from everyone due to the impact you’ve had on all of us, Ronan. She is so lucky to be surrounded by the most amazing souls. I can only imagine what an amazing little human being this will make her. Tomorrow, she will already be 2 months. It has flown by so fast and she is changing so much. She’s now doing really cute things like smiling and cooing at us all. Macy swears she can understand everything we are saying and she trying to have a conversation back with us. The way her eyes look at all of us while we are talking to her makes me think she is right. This Poppy girl already seems to know so much.
Your brothers are out of school. Normally, we would be in San Diego by now but this year we decided to take a little break. Your daddy was burnt out on it and I don’t blame him. One more year of going to the same spot where we always took you, without you was going to be too much for me to handle. I almost had a nervous breakdown last year. Too many almost 4-year-old blond-haired boys running about. Too many swimming pools without you in it. Too much of everything I pretty much never care to see again. It wasn’t therapeutic and it wasn’t healthy for me to be there last year and I have no interest in returning back to a place that I so desperately want to be the same, but it never will be the same again. So we are still in AZ. Your brothers have started a basketball camp which they love but it’s only for a couple of hours a day. The rest of our days have mostly been spent just hanging out having play dates, swimming, and they have helped me with a lot of things around here. We have our little, Rachel, in from NYC. I love having her here so much. We all do. Just another one of those amazing things to come from this blog and from you. She is our family and I love seeing her with your Poppy sister. Now, if I could only get her to move in and be our nanny;) Something tells me that would not be enough to keep our little smarty pants I just graduated NYC and now am working at Columbia University entertained. I am so proud of her and all she is doing. Macy calls her Saint Rachel because she is that amazing at 22. I feel so blessed to have come across this soul who is now a part of our family. We are all going to miss her so much when she leaves. Hopefully she will come out to Washington and visit us when we are there this summer.
That is what we are doing this summer. I am taking your brothers and sister to Nana and Papa’s house. It’s all your brothers have been talking about for months. I’ve been having to listening to them begging to go out earlier, but we had some things to take care of around here first. Believe me, I am just as excited as they are. I miss my parents and my childhood house where I always feel so safe and sound at, even under the shittiest of circumstances. It will be nice to have help with your sister and brothers. Washington is my place of peacefulness where I feel like I can actually breathe for a little bit. And no almost 4 year old blond boys exist. It will be nice to take a little break from the rat race that I often get caught up in here. I have lots of plans that mostly consist of no plans at all, besides spending a ton of time with your brothers and Papa Jim doing our favorite things like fishing, hiking, playing hide and seek until dark, and enjoying all the beauty the pacific northwest has to offer this time of year, including hopefully many days of rain. Please, please, please Washington rain gods, work your magic. I have been missing our rain so much, Ro.
We had a board meeting the other night. We have so many things in the works and so much coming up. A few top secret things that involve a kick ass rockstar. We still have not heard back on the petition to light the Whitehouse Gold for September. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I am still hoping for the best. After the board meeting, I told your daddy I would have Fernanda drive me home because I needed to spend some time with her. We had a lot to talk about and as always, it circled back around to you. I know you know how I am. I don’t let my guard down in front of many people. I much prefer to do all of my crying alone, and don’t often do I do it in front of others. There are only a handful of people who I am comfortable enough with to let everything out. I’ve never had a guard up with Fernanda which is why after our little pow wow, I could barely get my ass back into our house because I was seriously blinded by my tears and the fucking cheap ass mascara I wore that day. Remind me never to wear a different brand of mascara than I normally do. I came into the house, my eyes were black and stinging so badly from the mascara running in them, that I had your daddy in a complete panic. I ran to the bathroom to take out my contacts and wash my face while your daddy hovered over me begging me to tell him what was wrong. It’s the same thing it always is, Ronan. You are dead, I would give anything to have you back, I sometimes still don’t want to be here, because I just want to be with you, where are you? who is taking care of you? and why can’t it be me? Everything in my body still yearns for you, screams for you, begs for you in the worst way. Sometimes your daddy and I sit and bed at night and whisper secrets.
“Do you ever think Poppy has parts of Ronan?” he asked me the other night.
I quietly said, “Yes.”
“Me, too.” he said. “Is that wrong?”
I just told him through my tears, “If it gets us through this, does it really matter?”
I don’t think that it does, Ronan. She is parts of you without a doubt. Just like Liam and Quinn are, too. Many days I catch glimpses of you through your brothers and it helps me in a way. I see you in Quinn’s still sometimes with his mischievous ways. I see you in Liam’s strength and the way he carries himself so proud, like you always did. Poppy feels like you. She reminds me of you. I know you sent her to me to give me a little piece of you back. And some days I think you sent her to me to give me a lot of you back. I don’t care how whack-a-doodle that sounds. Thinking that way helps me to survive this insanely painful life without you here. I can’t tell your baby pictures apart. I can’t get over that she has the same little secret dimple that you had only when you smiled in the same exact spot. It gives me goosebumps and butterflies at the same time. I like living in this Poppyland. It feels o.k. again. Some days it even feels good.
Alright little man. I miss you so much. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams baby doll. G’nite.
P.S. Please keep our Kassie safe while she is away on her amazing African adventure. I know she took you with her. Thanks, baby.
P.P.S. Does anybody know anybody high up at our local cable company Cox Communications?? Woody went to tour one of our Ronanld McDonald Houses here today because we are looking to help them with some of their wish list items. We would like to make some things better for the families that have to stay there. Turns out, they don’t have the place wired for cable because Cox wants to charge them full price and won’t give them a discount. Seriously? That makes me so mad. I love it when people try to make money off of people who are going through a hard time. It’s a freaking non-profit, Cox Communications. Give me a break. I might like to write them a little letter or speak to somebody who is higher up over there. Thanks, lovies for anything you can do.
Posted by rockstarronan on June 7, 2013
Ronan. You make beautiful things happen and last night was proof of that. Taylor Swift was in town for the Red Tour. We were invited to go as a family and could have not been more excited. Last minute plans were made, plans were changed, plans were made again. Brianna was in town staying with us and Macy had just left after being here for almost a week. The time with Macy here or as Poppy is going to call her, “Auntie M,” was so special. I watched Macy fall head over heels in love with your sister the same way she did with you. We did a lot of nothing except live in Poppy world. We celebrated your Daddy’s birthday which was a hard day, but as always, we just go through it the best we could. Tears were shed, but for the most part we tried to make it a fun evening by having some dear friends over. We all just mostly sat around and cooed over your sister. She truly does make many days better, but days like special occasions are still pretty hard. Macy knew this and just sat and played with my hair while I rocked your sister and the tears fell silently to the ground. She just looked at me with tears in her eyes and said, “I know.” She knew what I was thinking, as she always does. How I wished so badly you were there with us to celebrate your wonderful daddy. How I wish every day you were with us to not celebrate a thing, but to just live this life with us that was so unfairly taken away from you. I will never stop wishing this.
It’s taken me a few days to figure out why I am having such a hard time writing this post. I’ll start by saying two years ago when I was first invited to meet Taylor and go to her concert, I was in a completely different place than I am now. 2 years ago I remember trying to get ready for her concert and how I could hardly peel myself up off the floor to go. I was destroyed back then and wasn’t so sure I’d be around to survive this life much longer without you. I was in such a sad place that I didn’t think I deserved to go to a concert, meet this amazing girl or feel any sort of happiness at all. I went because I had a message to share, because of my manners, and I knew how rude it would be not to go after I was so kindly invited. Little did I know that Taylor already knew all about you and our hauntingly sad love story. She already knew the message I was wanting to share and welcomed it with open arms. Fast forward 2 years later and I am now in a very different place.
I spent the day with Liam, Quinn, and Bri Bri, hanging out and getting ready for the concert. I felt excited and happy, and as always, a little sad, too. I knew Taylor was going to be meeting your Poppy sister and for me, that was the best part of everything. To me, it was like she was going to get to meet a little piece of you and I can’t even put into words how much that meant. We as a family, all went to the concert. We ended up splitting up as your daddy, Liam, and Poppy sat backstage with Taylor’s dad for most of the show. Even though we had protective ear coverings for Poppy, it still made me nervous to have her out in the loud arena with everyone. Your daddy was whisked away by Taylor’s lovely assistant and taken back stage where all was safe and sound. Liam went with your daddy also, as the concert was a little too loud for him. He’s never been a fan of anything too loud and crazy. I stayed down at our seats with Bri, Quinn and your Sparkly. There was a lot of dancing, singing, laughing, and maybe a little crying. I sat back and watched the most amazing performance and was of course blown away by the talent before me. She always manages to out do herself that Taylor girl. I felt so blessed to be a part of it. It was a night where I got a chance to put my pain on hold for a few hours and just get lost in the magic and beauty before me. Between Taylor’s beautiful voice, the smile on Quinn’s face, and the insane dancing that I did with Brianna when Taylor sang, “22,” everything about the night was perfect. Almost freaking perfect. You know the one little thing missing was of course you. I tried my best to remind myself that you were there with us, somewhere. Even though I couldn’t see you, I know you were there and I let that be o.k. for a few hours.
After the concert we got to spend a lot of time with Taylor and her dad in the most intimate setting. I’ve now realized why it is that I’ve had such a hard time with this post. It’s because of the way this relationship with Taylor has changed and evolved. It’s because I feel insanely protective of her and the way she’s opened up her heart to us. People try to exploit this girl all day long and I’m just not going to do that. I won’t do that. I’ve felt that way since day one of meeting her, but my protectiveness has only grown over time. I’ve had all of these news stations calling me, wanting to do interviews about Taylor’s concert, what it’s like to have her here in the Valley, wanting to know if she was going to sing, “Ronan,”etc… I politely declined doing any of them. It almost felt yucky to me. To me, the time we spent with Taylor was so sacred and special that I would just like to keep most of it between us and our family. At one point during our time together as I watched her holding Poppy, I asked her a certain question. She looked at me to answer it and said, “I hope I made the right call.” I told her as my eyes filled up with tears that I believed she did. I hope tonight, with this post, I made the right call, too. I don’t mind sharing most of the night, but not all of it. Some things just feel too sacred to be shared. This girl feels like a part of our family now, not some big celebrity. It’s funny because she’s never felt like some big celebrity to me. To me she’s always just felt like a normal girl who fell in love with you and who just happened to be in a position to make something really beautiful happen because she took a chance on us and followed her heart. To me, that has saved me in a way and I will forever be grateful to her and her old, wise soul. I have no doubt that many more beautiful things are to come.
As far as me not wanting to share much about our night, I hope you all understand. To me, the picture below explains everything.
I love you, Ronan. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, little man.
P.S. Taylor, Thank you for EVERYTHING. You know I have 50 million things I want to say to you, but all I’m going to say is you my friend, could give Hallmark a run for their money. I love you so much.
Posted by rockstarronan on May 31, 2013
Ronan. Sometimes I just sit here at this computer screen, wondering what to write because the only words I can think of are… I just miss you so much. That’s it. I just miss you so much plays over and over in my head like a broken record that I will never turn off. Tonight, I guess I have a little story for you that is mostly about your sister. I’m not going to lie, Ronan. I was a little unsure of how things would be once she got her. All of my usual doubts filled my head. The thousands of questions. Will I be able to love her enough? Will she love me as much as Ronan did? Can I still be a good mom? Am I worthy of loving another child? What if we don’t connect, bond, etc… What if I am still so numb, that I feel nothing? Am I betraying Ronan? Would he be mad or sad or jealous? Am I hurting his feelings by having another baby and loving it? The things I worried about in my head seemed to be never-ending and oh so dramatic, but they were my real life thoughts about all of this.
Then that day came that your sister was placed in my arms. I can honestly tell you that I was so overcome with so many different feelings, that it was hard for me to feel a thing. So I just stared at her while she stared at me. The first thing I whispered in her ear was something like, “Ronan loves you.” Then my mommy mode adrenaline rush of I can do it all kicked in. So it was a constant stream of auto pilot everything. Feed baby. Change baby. Sleep baby. Tend to mama just pushed out a baby war wounds. Eat mama. Sleep mama. Drink mama. Shower mama. While taking care of other kids, laundry, people wanting to meet her, phone calls, emails, a few blog posts, foundation things, don’t forget to grieve mama, the questions of “how are you really doing from my friends and family seemed constant. But with all that adrenaline rushing, I was able to keep a safe distance away from really feeling that deep connection with your Poppy sister. Oh, I knew I loved her, but I had been keeping myself so busy as if to not let myself fall in over my head. My guard was still up I guess you could say. My mind was still trying to go to that place of don’t get too attached, in case something happens. So, I guess you could say at first, I was dating Poppy in a way. Testing her out to see how things were going to go.
I’ve spent the past few weeks, slowing everything down. I’ve spent the past few weeks, letting myself and my relationship with Poppy unfold a little more. We spend much of our days, sitting quietly. Her constant need to be fed has helped us to bond. We do everything together. I can’t even put her down in her crib to sleep, so she has been sleeping in our bed. For as slowly as I’ve watch things unfold, I can’t stand the thought of being separated from her. I talk to her a lot, even when she is sleeping. My favorite part of the day is when I lay her down to be changed and she just stares at the big picture we have of you in her room and while she is staring, she smiles at it from ear to ear. She’s been doing this from really early on, when babies aren’t supposed to smile at all. She started this at about 2 weeks when babies are supposed to be blind as a bat. I watch her and say things like, “Is Ronan telling you secrets again?” I scoop her back up, rock her and then sometimes look down at her and think to myself, “Are you really Ronan? Because if you are not, I had no idea I would be able to feel this way again. This close and this strongly connected to a new baby after losing my everything. Either you are Ronan or Ronan sent you because he could not take how sad I was anymore. He sent you to try to help fix my heart and soul. He could not have picked a more perfect baby girl to heal my heart.”
The past few days, I’ve felt nothing but this euphoric happiness. Happiness that has only come because of your sister. I see it through everybody, but it’s through myself that I can actually feel it. I am not dating Poppy anymore. We are full on in a crazy, love affair, forever will be married, marriage that I am over the moon about. I without a doubt know, none of us could have really survived this life and lived this life in the way we should be living it, if it were not for your sister being born. Everything has shifted in such a good way. The energy in our house has changed. I’m getting more of those beautiful moments in life that I often talk about from the simplest things. Beautiful moments seem to be everywhere I look, Ronan. I am no longer fighting them or scared of them. I feel so lucky and blessed and this is all due to this gift you have given us which is her.
Dr. Sholler has been in town and you know I am always crazy happy when she is here. Your daddy, Poppy and I picked her up from the airport on Sunday. Before she got in our car, she sent me a text. “Can we hike?!” I laughed out loud. I said to your daddy, “Giselle wants me to take her inferno hiking. She is such a badass.” I told her of course we could. Your daddy said to me, “Are you sure about that? Did you tell her how you almost killed your intern, inferno hiking?” I told him to hush, that she didn’t need to know that. I did warn Dr. Sholler that it was going to be hot, but she was totally game. I was feeding Poppy in the backseat of the car when she arrived. Your daddy parked and went to walk to get her. As soon as she got in the front seat, she scooped up your sister into her arms so she could hold and love on her. I was blown away. Watching the two of them meet was something that will stay in my mind forever. They sat and stared at each other for a long time and Dr. Sholler was such a natural with your sister in her arms. That’s what makes her so different from other doctors, Ronan. She doesn’t have that compassionate chip missing, for being such a bloody freaking genius that a lot of people do. She doesn’t have a fucking ego or agenda. She cares so much not only about her patients, but the family’s as well. Even the one’s with the dead kids. That is so beyond rare. She is such an anomaly in this world. She is my hero and I am so proud to be a part of the things she is doing and will be doing in the future for these kids fighting Neuroblastoma. I will forever be sorry that we didn’t find her sooner.
I took Dr. Sholler hiking. We talked a lot about cancer things, but other things as well. I asked her the million dollar question which was, “What do I need to do to make sure Poppy doesn’t have cancer?” I said, “Do I do nothing and just trust in the Universe that completely screwed me over? Do I start having her urine tested? Do I get her blood tested? Scanned? Please, just tell me.” We talked about how a urine test after 2 would be a non invasive way to just make sure everything is o.k., but ultimately Dr. Sholler wants me to just trust in you. She told me that your sister is fine and is going to be fine. I tried my best to listen and trust in that, but it’s really hard to do so when your entire world has been shattered. Fast forward to today to prove my point on that.
I fed Poppy this morning. I burped her after. I set her in her bouncy so I could pack Liam and Quinn’s lunches. I heard Poppy coughing a bit so I picked her up. Bright yellow vomit/spit up goes flying all over my shirt, not once, not twice, but three times. I go into show your daddy. I see Poppy looking a little pale. In my mind I’m freaking out and everything in me is screaming, “SHE HAS CANCER!” Your daddy makes light of it. I do not. I text our pediatrician. She texts me right back and says it’s probably curdled milk, but if I want she will check her out and feel her tummy. I of course, ask her to make me an appointment to bring her in. So, I sit and wait at home for our appointment. My mind goes to all of those awful places while the tears pour down my cheeks. This is my life now. This will always be my life now. I’ll never escape this world where a little thing is just a little thing. A little thing to me, will always mean cancer. I know I have to learn to let some things go, but today, this lesson was lost on me. Today, it was all I could do not to run down to the hospital demanding to have her scanned. Dr. Campbell calmed me down and told me everything it could be, none of it being cancer. She pushed down on her tummy and told me it was soft. She told me your sister is fine. Your sister is fine, Ronan but I will never be fine again. Not when it comes to normal things like yellow spit up, tummy aches, aching muscles, headaches… I will always think the worst. I thanked Dr. Campbell and she told me she would do tummy checks on Poppy everyday if I wanted her to. That she would come by our house even and to text her whenever I was feeling uneasy about something. I smiled and thanked her again. Once again, I am so lucky to have such an amazing doctor who truly cares, taking care of our family.
We are home. I am exhausted from not sleeping well last night. I guess I was also a bit wired from the amazing night I had with Dr. Sholler and some great peeps from T-Gen. I took Poppy with me. She goes everywhere with me and didn’t make a peep. Best baby ever. So many wonderful things are in the works and I am so honored to be able to be surrounded by such amazing people, who share the same dreams and visions as I do. Together, we are going to do extraordinary things.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
Posted by rockstarronan on May 21, 2013
Ronan. Your 6th birthday came and went. I kept wondering to myself, what kind of party we would have had? I asked your brothers, “Do you think Ronan would still like Star Wars if he were here?” They assured me that you would have so in my mind, for the 2nd year in a row, I threw you a Star Wars party. I clung to my imaginary party in my mind to get me through the birthday from hell that I had to have without you in real life that fell on Mother’s Day this year. Your brothers and daddy did their best at spoiling me so by telling me how much they loved me, what a great mom I am, how lucky they are to have me, etc… They tried to make the day about me as much as they could but I ended up saying, “This day isn’t about me, it’s Ronan’s day so let’s do everything Ronan would have wanted to do.” So we did. We went to a brunch where I ignored all the 6 year olds running about and focused only on your brothers and Poppy. We went swimming and I watched as your daddy and brothers went crazy going on the water slide that was at our hotel. I sat quietly in the shade and let my smiles, come from them. They played football in the grass and participated in a water balloon fight. After a few hours of that we went back to the room to rest and get ready for dinner. We ate at a really good mexican restaurant and we had plans to go and see Iron Man 3 (which you would have totally wanted to do) but your sister’s breastfeeding got in the way of our making the movie on time so we ended up just coming back to our room. We all snuggled up together and watched a movie from the hotel instead. Your brothers let me pick it which was very sweet of them to do so we ended the night by watching “Oz, the Great and Powerful.” Quinn gave it 5 stars. Liam gave it 4. I was just happy they both enjoyed it and it made a quiet ending to a day that I just wanted to get through without jumping off the side of a cliff.
Now I sit here on the 15th of May, reflecting on what this day was like 2 years ago. It was the day we had your funeral or a.k.a. your celebration of life which is really just a nice way of saying this is fucking bullshit that I had to cremate my kid so let’s try to cover it up by calling it something beautiful. Having my baby cremated is not the way I ever envisioned celebrating your life. Today, I pulled out the white dress I wore on your death day. The white dress that hung on my shell of a body and now hangs in my closet like a keepsake or a wedding dress because I know I will never wear it again. It haunts me hanging there and I often find myself running my hands over it, waiting for the ghost of who I was during that time, to appear. That shell-shocked of a girl who really had no idea of the magnitude of what had just happened because I was in such shock and a deep place of denial. I remember your services, barely. I remember how I was so numb, that I didn’t even cry. I remember making everyone wear white and how after everything was over how Liam went over to a fountain to throw a penny into it. I remember saying, “Make a wish!” and how he looked up at me and said, “Why? Wishes don’t come true.” I remember at that point, it took everything I had to not fall over from the pain of his words. His innocent yet not so innocent words that right then and there, shattered everything I had ever known. Wishes don’t come true, rocked my world in the most fucked up way possible. Wishes don’t come true out of the mouth of an almost 8-year-old that should not be so wise in the way that he is.
I spent a lot of today crying and staring at that white dress while I found the comfort I so desperately needed, in your Poppy sister. I can’t seem to put her down which explains the loads of clean laundry that I need put away. Laundry can wait. I’ll take the snuggles of your sister over clean laundry any day. Your brothers are getting ready for their big basketball game on Friday. So a lot of practicing has been going on over here. Tonight I left Poppy with your Daddy for a bit so I could sneak out for a run. A little 3 mile run that I nearly winced in pain with the entire time. I forgot how bad it sucks to try to get back into running after having a baby. OUCH. Everything hurt tonight but you know nothing can ever hurt as much as the pain I feel from being without you everyday. I ignored the pain from my body and pushed through my 3 miles, slowly, but I was determined not to give up or give in even though every part of my body was screaming at me to do so. I came home just in time to see your daddy through your bedroom window, sitting in on your bed in Poppy’s room. I watched as he stared down at Poppy with such a look of mixed emotions on his face as he played with her little feet. I felt like an outsider, looking in on two strangers. This can’t possibly be my house, my husband, my new baby sitting in my dead child’s room, right? A year ago I would have saw this sight and wanted to run away from it all. Seeing this sight would have been too much for me to handle. Tonight, I had no desire to run away at all and instead I walked inside our house to where your Daddy was walking Poppy all about, carrying her like a little football. I went up to her, let her focus on who I was and said, “Hi Poppy!” I watched as a big smile splashed across her face. “She smiled!” I exclaimed to your daddy. It was a smile that told me that we are all doing alright and that Poppy is the best thing that could have ever happened to us since losing you. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her. She is still the most peaceful little thing. No crying, no fussing, just lots of eating, sleeping, and love. We all cannot get enough of her.
I keep telling myself if I can just get through these tough, tough days, that I have so much to look forward to these coming months. Dr. Sholler is coming into town on Sunday, so I will get to spend a few days with her and pick her brain in regards to my master plan. We have made some plans for dinner and some hikes. I am so excited to have her here and she is so excited to meet your baby sister. I’ve got Macy coming in to stay with us for about 5 days and you know everyone in our house is so excited about that. Bri Bri is also coming out and so is our little, Rachel. It will be nice to see my favorite girls and spend some time with them. As Dr. JoRo says, “Did you ever know that so much sadness and so much happiness could coexist?” I never would have believed her if she had told me this a year ago, but now I find it to be so true.
Alright little man. I must go. Poppy wants the boob. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.
Posted by rockstarronan on May 16, 2013
Posted by rockstarronan on May 12, 2013