Ronan. I’m in route back to Phoenix on your 21 months since you left this earth. I’ve been having flashbacks of the end of your days, off and on today. Mostly it is still so painful that I find myself trying to block out the memories of that horrific time from flooding my mind. I’ve been telling myself all day things like your death, isn’t really real. I’ve been telling myself all day this is somebody’s else’s life and not my own. Sometimes I pretend like I am watching a movie or reading a book of a stranger who is living the life that I am living. Avoiding my reality once in a while helps me get through the days that I just can’t take living this life without you anymore. Eventually, reality always comes back and smacks me in the face though. Tonight a big dose of reality is waiting for me as I step off this plane. I know what I am coming home to. Your daddy and brothers will be waiting for me so excited at the airport. I know the tears that will fill my eyes that I will have to fight back. Of course I am happy to see them but it’s you I want to see the most and you are never there, waiting for me with the 3 of them like you should be. I will always look for you though.
All posts tagged reality
Posted by rockstarronan on February 11, 2013
Thank you to whomever nominated me for this. Best lovely little blog readers, ever. You can vote once a day. Are you all sick of voting for things for me yet?! I’m sorry! It makes me feel bad, but it’s amazing all the great things that have come from it! You all are powerhouses!
Posted by rockstarronan on February 7, 2013
Turmoil. A state of great disturbance, confusion, or uncertainty.
Ronan. I’ve decided that I live in a constant stream of turmoil. I have known this for a while. I am trying my best to learn to live with this as there is no outrunning it or getting rid of it. It’s not going away anytime soon. It will always be a part of my life, so I’d better learn to just accept it.
I’m in New York. I’ve been here for a few days. I took the Red-Eye out late Monday night. I can tell you I was honestly sad to leave your daddy and brothers. I hate that because of this new life, our family often has to be apart. It wouldn’t be this way, if you were still here. All I ever wanted in this life was our family, healthy, and together. I’m still pissed off that some fuckwad decided that was not o.k. The Red-Eye was a little miserable. I normally love it, but try being almost 8 months pregnant and getting comfortable on a flight while trying to get some shut-eye. Poppy was not happy. I kept thinking I was going to squish her, sitting down for that many hours and not really being able to stretch out. Of course I kept picturing the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck and the cause of her death being the Red-Eye to New York. Insanity often fills my mind and as always, I don’t fight it, I just talk my way through it. I arrived to New York with Poppy still alive and going crazy in my stomach. She seems to always be moving about. I was beyond exhausted and fell asleep as soon as I arrived in the city and my head hit the pillow. Thankfully, I didn’t have any meetings scheduled for Tuesday so I just rested the entire day. I met up with our little, Rachel for a quick dinner and we went to Bloomingdale’s to eat your favorite Fr-Yo, but that was my extent of going out.
The rest of my time here has been full of meetings. Lots of good meetings, interesting meetings, emotional meetings. For the most part, I’ve held it together quite well. I was a little emotional today during a meeting I had at one of the publishing houses. Somedays I can talk about you until I am blue in the face without breaking down. Today was not one of those days. It wasn’t too bad. It’s not like I threw my head down on the table and sobbed into my arms like I often do. Today just proved to me that I felt comfortable enough with the people in the room to let my guard down a little bit. I think it was actually a very beautiful thing. I love when I see in other people’s eyes the way they believe in you, in us, in our never-ending, crazy, intense love story. I saw that today and it is always such a powerful force to be reckoned with. I am always thankful for it.
After my last meeting, I popped over to Solving Kids’ Cancer to see my two favorites, Scott Kennedy and Catherine London. My two sidekicks in all of this because they get this in a way that most people do not. In a way that I wish they did not, but they do and now they will forever be a part of my soul and my life in this fucked up journey. I see myself when I look at them and it is always heartbreaking, but they are also two of the most beautiful people I’ve ever come across in my life. Our visit was short, but I was just glad I was able to see them at all. Even though my time here has been packed, seeing them is always a must.
This is all for my little update. I know it’s short, but I just mostly wanted to check in with you all to tell you I’m alright. I’ve been getting quite a few emails with people worrying about me because I haven’t posted in a while. You all are the sweetest. I am o.k. Just busy and I always try my hardest to unplug a little while in New York. It’s my own little time out to breathe for a bit. Thanks for checking on me, worrying about me, and loving me. You crazy peeps, you;) You all make me smile.
I love you, Ronan. I have a lot to think about. I am trying my best to really take my time with any decisions that will be made in regards to this book. I just want to make you proud. Sweet dreams, little man. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
Posted by rockstarronan on February 7, 2013
The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.
Here’s an excerpt:
About 55,000 tourists visit Liechtenstein every year. This blog was viewed about 8,600,000 times in 2012. If it were Liechtenstein, it would take about 156 years for that many people to see it. Your blog had more visits than a small country in Europe!
Posted by rockstarronan on January 26, 2013
Ronan. I don’t ever watch things on YouTube about you because it is just too difficult for me. There are so many beautiful things on there and for that I am forever grateful, but I leave them for other people to enjoy. Today was different. Today, something came across my way that I could not ignore. I sat and watched it all, sobbing while doing so. I always cry due to missing you, Ronan, but today I also cried because I was so moved by this darling girl and the way she took it upon herself to a voice for you and all kids who are dealing with cancer.
Talk about inspiring. Talk about touching. Talk about watching the world change right before my very eyes and knowing it is all because of you. The youth of today will be different as well as so many others because of you. I don’t know how the White House can possibly say no to our petition. We are almost to 25k signatures and for that I am beyond thrilled! You all really didn’t think we would stop at 25k, did you?! No way. We are going to keep this thing going and get as many signatures as we can until February 6th. Let’s blow this out of the water and give the White House absolutely no reason, to say no. The more signatures the better.
Thank you, Chloe for your amazing YouTube video of Ronan. Thank you for understanding at such a young age, the right things to fight for. I know Ronan is so proud of you, as am I.
Thank you all for rocking this petition. I could not have done it without you. Thank you, Woodddawg, for doubting me. You know the best way to make me get things done is by saying telling me I can’t do it. I love you for that.
Keep signing and sharing. YAY!! Almost there!!
Posted by rockstarronan on January 25, 2013
Ronan. I had no idea getting 25k signatures on our petition was going to be so hard. I mean, it shouldn’t be, right? It seriously is something that takes 60 seconds. I have been working non-stop on this and I know a ton of other people have as well. Again, thank you to all who have signed and who are harassing everyone they know about it. This has to work. It is time The White House steps up and starts to recognize Childhood Cancer. It should have happened a long time ago. I’m still blown away that the awareness has slipped through the cracks. Did you know that George Bush Senior, had a daughter that died from leukemia? I believe she was almost 4, just like you Ronan, when she died. Heartbreaking, right? Heartbreaking, but you would think from that, something fucking amazing would have been done, that would have put childhood cancer on the map where it does not get ignored. We had not one, but two President Bushes that could have done something huge, but as far as I can tell, not much was done. So here we sit now, begging for a petition to get the signatures it needs in hopes that The White House will say a BIG, FAT, YES to lighting that White House up GOLD for the month of September. This is not something we should have to beg for. I begged for the life of you, Ronan. Begging for signatures just seems silly, but as I said before, I will do whatever it takes.
I really hope President Obama, takes a stand on this. I really hope the First Lady decides to get involved because trust me, kids are not dying left and right due to childhood obesity. Do kids with childhood obesity have to go through harsh chemo treatments meant for adults? No, they do not. Kids that are diagnosed with cancer get to not only go through awful chemo, but these lovely things as well… Let’s add scary radiation to the list where they are left in a tube, all alone, not understanding a thing. Also, extreme fatigue where they no longer get to be a child. Constant flu-like symptoms such as runny noses, chills, and coughs. Pain that they cannot fix such as headaches, muscle pain, stomach pains, or even temporary nerve damage. Pokes, prods, riding an IV pole around a hospital instead of a bicycle. Mouth, gum and throat sores. Nausea, vomiting, loss of appetite, constipation, diarrhea, bloody noses that cannot be controlled due their platelets being wiped out. Skin changes such as blisters, peeling, and swelling. Feeding tubes. Weight loss or gain. Lovely hair loss which leaves them to feel weird and different from everyone else around them. Kidney and bladder problems. Anemia, which destroys all types of healthy blood cells and leaves the child often pale, speeds up their heartbeat, and shortness of breath. Blood Clotting problems where everything bleeds non-stop including a small scratch or bloody gums when they brush their teeth. Neutropenia, which leaves the child with an immune system so shot, that they often cannot fight off infections. Let’s not forget all the surgeries that come into play. Stem cell transplants, bone marrow transplants, bone marrow aspirations, the awful port changes, nightly shots to boost their immune system. The endless amount tears, worries, and pain. And those are just the physical symptoms. Don’t forget all the psychological damage that is done as well. Not to mention being torn away from their siblings, parents, friends, and the extreme stress it adds to the family who have no choice but to put on a strong face when all they really want to do is crumble up and die.
Sometimes, cancer treatments can cause permanent changes to a child’s growing body. These long-term side effects can include damage to the heart, lungs, brain, nerves, kidneys, thyroid gland, or reproductive organs. Kids may experience issues such as delayed cognitive development, growth problems, and infertility. In some cases, those who’ve received certain types of chemotherapy are at higher risk of developing a second type of cancer later in life. Let’s not forget that every single day, 7 kids just up and die from childhood cancer and every single day 46 kids will be diagnosed. Let’s not forget, that this could happen to anyone and childhood cancer is the NUMBER ONE DISEASE KILLER IN KIDS. But I totally understand why we have taken such a stance on childhood obesity.
So, here I am, begging for signatures for a petition that I don’t even know The White House will say yes to. Here I sit, with tears streaming down my face not ONLY for the loss of you, but of so many others as well. All I am asking for is for childhood cancer to be as recognized as all the other cancers out there. All I am asking for is for the color GOLD to be as recognized as the color PINK. Just make it equal. Why isn’t it already? These are kids for crying out loud! They should not be thrown into a life of being “fighters,” because nobody is fighting for them.
| NATIONAL CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS MONTH, 2012
BY THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
Every year, thousands of children across America are diagnosed with cancer an often life threatening illness that remains the leading cause of death by disease for children under the age of 15. The causes of pediatric cancer are still largely unknown, and though new discoveries are resulting in new treatments, this heartbreaking disease continues to scar families and communities in ways that may never fully heal. This month, we remember the young lives taken too soon, stand with the families facing childhood cancer today, and rededicate ourselves to combating this terrible illness.
While much remains to be done, our Nation has come far in the fight to understand, treat, and control childhood cancer. Thanks to ongoing advances in research and treatment, the 5 year survival rate for all childhood cancers has climbed from less than 50 percent to 80 percent over the past several decades. Researchers around the world continue to pioneer new therapies and explore the root causes of the disease, driving progress that could reveal cures or improved outcomes for patients. But despite the gains we have made, help still does not come soon enough for many of our sons and daughters, and too many families suffer pain and devastating loss.
My Administration will continue to support families battling pediatric cancer and work to ease the burdens they face. Under the Affordable Care Act, insurance companies can no longer deny health coverage to children because of pre existing conditions, including cancer, nor can they drop coverage because a child is diagnosed with cancer. The law also bans insurers from placing a lifetime dollar limit on the amount of coverage they provide, giving families peace of mind that their coverage will be there when they need it most. And as we work to ensure all Americans have access to affordable health care, my Administration will continue to invest in the cutting edge cancer research that paves the way for tomorrow’s breakthroughs.
This month, we pay tribute to the families, friends, professionals, and communities who lend their strength to children fighting pediatric cancer. May their courage and commitment continue to move us toward new cures, healthier outcomes, and a brighter future for America’s youth.
NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim September 2012 as National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. I encourage all Americans to join me in reaffirming our commitment to fighting childhood cancer.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this thirty first day of August, in the year of our Lord two thousand twelve, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-seventh.
Please, President Barack Obama, stay true to your words. Please fight this fight with us. A change cannot happen without you. Please do so much more than just some words on a piece of paper.
Ronan. I love you. I miss you with every aching bone in my body. I am so sorry this is not fixed already. I am so sorry you had to die from something that is so awful and continues to be ignored. I promise to fix this for you. I promise to never stop fighting for you. I love you with everything that I am. Forever.
I won’t stop posting this petition until it gets the 25k signatures that it needs. This is our only chance. If we don’t get this passed this time, the required signatures goes up to 100k. This is not just another thing of spam that comes your way. Signing this can help this cause. Please. I will do anything. I will shave my fucking head. I will eat worms. I will stand on a street corner and whore myself out, but I don’t think my husband would like that very much. I will jump out of a plane but for those of you that know me, you know I would do that for fun, anyway. Oh, and plane jumping might be off-limits for now due to the safety of Poppy a.k.a. Little PopStar.
Please, just sign and share. Go to your local news stations. Beg with no shame, just like the way I am. Or do the complete opposite. Read this, do nothing, and go about your self-absorbed ways. I have enough tears, that I can spare them to cry for you as well.
I know this picture is hard to look at. But imagine how it felt for him and for us, as his parents. He was 3 years old. The fact that nothing has changed for childhood cancer is unacceptable. The fact that he had to go through all of this as so many others are and will, is something I will not stand for. Please do not just go about your day. Please help us do something. I am not going to stop fighting for my child, ever. He is worth every painful thing I feel, think or see. He is worth all of this pain and suffering. It reminds me of why I cannot give up. I will not curl up and die or go on with my life ever. He is my life.
Posted by rockstarronan on January 24, 2013
Posted by rockstarronan on January 18, 2013
Ronan. I am still trying to recover from my birthday/day/night of all things that I had no control over. In my previous life, I loved having a life like this. Not a care in the world, flying by the seat of my pants, doing whatever it is that the day brought before me, not having much of a schedule. In this new life, I don’t do well with a life like this anymore. My day planner is packed with what the days/weeks/months ahead of me look like. I need a strict routine, a schedule, a plan. Not knowing what is happening or even worse, not having a thing to do, sends me into a mode of panic/I feel like I need to check myself into a mental ward. The only place I do well with not having much of a schedule in, is New York. It is the only place I let myself just roll with whatever comes my way. I guess it’s easy for me to be this way in a city that is constantly busy and buzzing because I know I have 5,000 options to choose from and the day will always bring something amazing. I think a lot of this new desire for a strict schedule also comes from feeling like the world was spinning so out of control while you were sick as we never knew what was going to happen and everything awful seemed to happen so quickly. We tried so hard to hold on to you and your life during treatment but before I knew it, time ran out and you were dead. The 8 months that you were sick, I often felt like I was living in a tornado of death where the spinning never seemed to stop and I felt at all times, totally out of control. I tried so hard to be brave and strong for you but the truth of the matter is, I was always scared to death.
I woke up on my birthday day not wanting to wake up at all. Quinn came into my room and your daddy was up soon after that. Quinn brought me some juice and wished me a Happy Birthday. Liam was still sound asleep. Your daddy asked me if I wanted to come out to the kitchen to see what he and your brothers had done for me. The tone in his voice sounded so joyous and so proud that I thought to myself, “Oh my god. He brought Ronan back for me. I just know that when I go into the kitchen, Ronan will be there waiting for me because this all is really some sick cruel joke and Ronan was just needed for an experiment to find a cure for childhood cancer.” I got up out of bed and wiped the tears from my eyes and snapped out of my fantasy world and realized that this was not going to happen. I just whispered to your daddy, “I told you I didn’t want any gifts,” as I weakly walked out into our kitchen I saw that there were indeed gifts and cards on our table. Homemade cards by your brothers and daddy because those to me, are the best. They were all signed from your brothers and they had written out your name as well. Liam signed your name, Ro Ro, which made me smile and cry all at the same time. I had forgotten how he loved to call you this.
After I dropped your brothers off at school, I came home. I knew that if I did not leave my house for the day, that I was not going to do anything on my birthday but sit and cry. I had lunch plans with Fernanda and Stacy and it took everything I had NOT to cancel on them. I had to make myself leave the house and go and do something. I talked myself into this, but it took a lot of effort. “You cannot cancel on your friends today. Look at all they have done for you. As much as you want to hide, you just cannot. Make a plan. Spend this day with your sweet friends who love you so much.” So, that is what I did. I was ignoring my phone that was blowing up with birthday wishes. (thank you all by the way) I headed over to The Biltmore to go and do something nice for myself. I had decided that the only way I was not going to sit and cry all day was if I had somebody at the Mac make-up counter do my make-up. False eyelashes included. I have a rule that you cannot cry if you are wearing false eyelashes because you don’t want to ruin them and make them come off. I never wear them so I don’t even know if this rule is true. It’s just something I made up in my head. I sat and got my make-up done. I pretend chatted happily with the guy working his magic and when he asked how many kids I had, I told him 3 with a 4th on the way. I somehow managed not to spill my guts about you dying as I knew if I started in on my truth, the make-up would come pouring off. Instead, I let myself focus on nothing but the art in front of me and listened to him tell me how lucky I was to have such natural, full lips. I wanted to tell him I would happily take a knife and slice my lips off if it meant bringing my dead child back but I decided to hold back on my extreme berserk fantasies for the day.
Fernanda picked me up for lunch and took me to Chelsea’s Kitchen where they had told me we were going, but we were also going to the mall to look for Poppy’s furniture as well. They had concocted this whole story about going to Pottery Barn Kids on my birthday and how we HAD to go as Fernanda knew somebody who worked there who had agreed to give us a discount on some furniture. I had a feeling something else was going on, but had not a clue as to what it might be. I decided to play along and be a good sport about the whole thing, but I knew the two of them were up to something. I was waiting with Stacy down by Nordstrom at Fashion Square Mall. Fernanda had left lunch in the middle of us eating and Stacy told me we were meeting up with her outside of Nordstrom right by the escalators. I sat and waited patiently. The next thing I knew, Stacy pulled out a little stereo from her purse and a Madonna song came blasting out of it. I looked up at the escalator and before my very eyes, about 17 of my dear friends appeared, all dressed up like different versions of Madonna, singing their little hearts out to a Madonna song as they made their way down the escalator to me. It took me a few minutes to figure out what was going on. This was not my birthday celebration, it was my anti-poppy shower! I could not believe what my friends had pulled off. I knew a shower was in the works, but everyone had me convinced that it was going to be in February. To have my shower, on my birthday, was the last thing I expected.
I think I buried my head on my lap. I know I cried but I was laughing as well. I could not believe all of my friends who were there to do this for me. Fairy RoMo flew in from New York. Robyn flew in from Tampa. And later in the day, I got a surprise from Macy who flew in from San Francisco. I could not have been more touched. The shower started early in the day and we did a scavenger hunt through the mall where we were chased by security and threatened to get thrown out of because as we learned, scavenger hunts are not allowed. After the mall, we ended up at The W Hotel where my Macy surprise awaited me and we had a little toast to your Poppy sister and you. Tears were shed and I skipped out for a little bit to run home to see your daddy and brothers as it was my birthday, too and they all wanted to see me as well. I needed to catch my breath for a minute too, because I was told the night was not ending anytime soon. I returned back to the girls where the rest of night was spent riding a mechanical bull, (not by me of course) but by many of the girls and the laughs alone from that will be something that I will remember for the rest of my life. The last stop of the night was Fernanda’s house. There was food, a candy desert bar, a photo booth, and sparklers. We all went outside to light them off and Fernanda gave a little talk before hand about how none of us would be here if it weren’t for sparkly you. She also took a second to talk about Ezra as well because Robyn was there with us all and she wanted to honor you both in a way that meant so much to not only Robyn, but me as well. One look at Robyn and it was game freaking over. We both were a mess and I spent the next few minutes hugging my friends while tears and snot dripped all over them.
I had to take a lot of time outs during the day and evening. It was the most amazing shower ever, but it was also very hard as well. At the end of the day, I don’t for a second ever get to totally exhale and forget about the fact that the love of my life, you, is dead. I had many moments of happiness but also many moments of complete and utter sadness, pain, shock, and just a feeling of being overwhelmed that never goes away. I have suffered the greatest loss one can suffer and now I have this life growing inside of me that I am so excited and thankful for. But death also surrounds me all the time because I am still so heavily grieving the loss of you. Those two things are very hard to balance. I can say for a fact that I remember each and every single day, how lucky I am to have the women that I do in my life as not many people have this. But I am also very aware of why they are here. For as beautiful as a thing as it is, it is also very, very, sad. I thank you all of them time for them as I truly do feel like each and every one of them are gifts from you, Ronan. I am so lucky to have them surrounding me, holding me up, and loving me unconditionally. They truly are amazing little gifts from you.
I woke up after my anti, very untraditional, the most epic shower, EVER, with such an major emotional hangover that I am just now starting to recover from. I spent Saturday morning, sobbing in my bed while your daddy tried to comfort me. I tried to explain to him how it was the most magical night ever, but also so very hard. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to put into words how much that day/night meant to me even though I spent much of the time during and after, crying about it. Crying about so many things. Love, loss, pain, happiness, sadness, the way all things beautiful in my life will forever be painful, too. How you will never get to be here with us, loving your Poppy sister in the way that you should be here, loving her. Most of all, crying so much over the fact that I just fucking miss you so much and I will never stop missing you. Ever. I think I miss you more as time goes on.
I love you, baby doll. Thank you to all of my dear friends who pulled off my shower and who worked so very hard on making it so out of the box, crazy, funny, and heartfelt. You all are bloody geniuses and could rule the world while giving Madonna a run for her money. It as apparent how much work, love and details went into planning this for me as everything blew my mind. I personally believe you should all go into the baby shower throwing business and start a new trend in the way baby showers are thrown. Counting jelly beans in baby bottles and guessing how big someone’s stomach is with toilet paper, can kiss my ass. Thank you to all my beautiful friends who came out to celebrate all things Poppy and Ronan. I love you all.
G’nite Ro baby. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
Posted by rockstarronan on January 14, 2013
Ronan. I am quite simply emotionally beat. This trip was a lot harder than I had anticipated. I kept telling myself I was going to be fine, that I would be able to hold it together like a champ. For the most part I did, but the few days I was here was full of a lot of tears anyway. Macy picked me up from the airport and I was greeted by my beautiful friend and the wonderful rain. Or your tears as I like to call them. We headed back to her place and had plans to go out to dinner. She had made reservations to take me to dinner for my upcoming birthday. We ended up canceling our reservations due to the fact that I was absolutely wiped and in no way could muster up the energy to leave her cozy place and head into the city for dinner. We ended up grabbing take out instead and dined in our pajamas. It was a very sweet and perfect night with my dear friend.
Posted by rockstarronan on January 8, 2013
Ronan. Ireland Ronan Poppy Thompson is what I want to name your sister. I know I told you I’ve been having a hard time getting super attached to this pregnancy and I know the only reason for that is because of the fear that comes along with it. Not because I love her any less than I love you and your brothers. It’s the fear of death that now comes along with this pregnancy. I’ve never had this fear before, until losing you. Now I worry about it all the time. If I don’t feel your sister kick for a while, I’ll think to myself, “Oh my god, she died.” Good thing I didn’t get too attached, right? Wrong. I am not fooling anyone with this whole trying to protect myself thing. I have been attached since I found out at 5 weeks that she was the size of a Poppy seed. I already have a plan for when I am having her, and I will be induced before 40 weeks because I of course have to get her out before she dies of stillbirth, right? I was induced with Liam and Quinn at 36 1/2 weeks. I had you at 37 1/2 weeks. I know Dr. Schwartz is alright with the plans I am scheming up in my head.
Now that I am feeling your sister kick all of the time and I can feel how strong she is, I am starting to come around. It’s taken me a while, but I can finally decide on a name. Your daddy and I have had the name Ireland picked out since before Liam and Quinn were born. I have always loved it. I think it is so strong, unique, and beautiful. I have to have Poppy in there as well. I cannot give that name up for anything. It has come to mean too much to me and just saying it out loud, makes me smile. We will call her, “Poppy,” even though her first name is Ireland. And eventually, when she is old enough to decide, she can take it upon herself to figure out what she wants to be called in life, but to me, she will always be Poppy. That name will forever remind me that something could make me smile, through my darkest hours, even before your sweet little sister, set foot on this earth. That name will forever remind me of the happiness I can feel again, just by saying the name out loud. What I love even more is hearing other people referring to her, as Poppy.
“How is Poppy today?”
“Is Poppy kicking?”
“Who do you think Poppy will look like?”
Everybody is calling her by this name and I love it so very much. It makes me smile and feel a bit of happiness again. I am so very thankful for your little sister already. I know she is going to help us all so very much. She will bring us back some of the sunshine in our lives that we are all missing so very badly.
Today, we hopped in Papa Jim’s truck and headed up to the Mount St. Helens area to go sledding and play in the snow. This state never fails to leave me breathless. I still think it is one of the most beautiful places on the planet. We found a ton of snow and I watched and snapped pictures as your daddy, your brothers, and Papa Jim spent a couple of hours hiking up a hill to fly back down it on their sleds. I listened to their laughs and soaked up their happiness as much as I could. You would have loved today. If you would have been with us, it would have been absolutely perfect in every way. I took it easy due to my ever growing belly. No sledding for me today although I’m sure I would have been fine but better safe than sorry, right? This whole better safe than sorry thing is slowly killing me. How am I supposed to burn off my grief/anger by having to be so freaking safe all of the time? I hate that I cannot go for my long runs/hikes/ or all of those other things I used to do to help me get through this. I cannot wait for this Poppy girl to be born so I can get back to all of my night runs, etc… I am already planning on running the NYC Marathon in November if I can get in. No training required once again;)
Alright little man. I’m sleepy tonight. I sleep really well here and it’s a nice change from the insomnia I usually deal with back at home. I’m going to take advantage of my sleeping well while I can. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.
Posted by rockstarronan on December 27, 2012