All posts tagged Mr. Sparkly Eyes

That Poppy girl has saved my life

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Ronan. I forget to write about 23 months without you. I was in the hospital with your Poppy sister. It was the day after I had her. I told your Mr. Sparkly Eyes how I thought that you and your sister had planned that I went into labor on the 8th, so that when the 9th came around, I wouldn’t be so sad because I would be holding your baby sister safe and sound in my arms. I do think this is true. It was the first time that the 9th wasn’t completely gut wrenching for me. How could it be with your sweet sister snuggled up to me? She helped me get through the day. You know what comes next though. Next month. 2 years without you and I’m sitting here scratching my head saying how can that be? How can it already be 2 years since you left this earth? It doesn’t seem possible. And guess what else this year is. Your birthday is the same day as Mother’s Day. How am I supposed to get through that one? Mother’s Day is hard enough now, but the fact that it falls on what should have been your 6th birthday is just beyond anything I am capable of handling. I am trying not to panic about it all, but I said to your daddy tonight, “We need to come up with a last minute May plan, because I can’t be here.” He promised me he would, so I am trying to relax a bit about it but it has still been keeping me awake at night. I hate the month of May.

May-

Your death day

Your birthday which also happens to be the day you were cremated

Mother’s Day without you

Your funeral Day

I won’t ever love the month of May again.

I will get through it the best I can, just like I did last year. It’s all I can do just to survive it.
Everything around here is really calm and peaceful. I feel calmer and more peaceful than I have in a very long time. It’s because of Poppy. She makes me be still and quiet in a way that is not forced. In a way that I haven’t been able to do since you died. She has given me such a gift already and she is only a week old. It’s amazing the way she seems to be working her little magic on all of us. I have been doing nothing but spending my days with her, being quiet and still. Having your Poppy sister has saved me. I know to make a statement like that is a bold thing to say, but I can say without a doubt, she has saved my life. We talk about you a lot. All day long when I am rocking her in your bedroom and she is looking all around. I tell her stories about you, I tell her how much you love her and are watching over her, I tell her how lucky she is to have you as a big brother and Liam and Quinn as well. Having her in your room was a good decision on our part. Your room no longer seems so sad, empty and cold. I was rocking her yesterday and your daddy came in to check on us. He asked if it was hard for me to be in there with her. I nodded my head that it was, because it is; but there is also something comforting about it too. We still haven’t seen too many people as we are still just trying to take our time and get used to this new little life. Quinn made a comment about how weird it felt to have another person living in our house again with us. To me that just screamed how much your little life is missed by us all. How much your absence is always felt. I still get mad a lot but I find that I am not as reactive with my anger. I find myself sitting and trying to process all of this on a deeper level but I mostly just sit in disbelief that this world has to be without you. How dull and empty I know this world is without you presence. This makes me mad and sad and I want to scream from the rooftops how unfair this all is because I know you would have grown up to do such amazing things in this world. I wonder how come the whole wide world doesn’t feel this way, too. About you and all of these other kids who are dying left and right from childhood cancer.I am so thankful for the people who are now paying attention and fighting the good fight, but I just don’t understand why the whole world isn’t in an uproar over this. I guess if it doesn’t touch your life personally, it is easier just to look the other way and go about your business. That makes me sad. Nobody deserves to get cancer, but especially not children. And if they do get cancer, there should really be better treatments and options. You deserved better, Ronan and I will forever be so sorry that after everything that we tried and did for you that it death was still the final outcome. I will never stop apologizing for this.

I’ve been spending most of my days in your room. Your daddy hung a big beautiful picture of you over your bed last night. I swear I stare at it all day long. Sometimes it makes me cry, sometimes it makes me smile, it always makes me miss you with everything that I am. That will never change.

Alright little man. This is all for now. Not a lot has been going on so I don’t have a ton to write about. Please keep your Poppy sister safe. I worry about her so much already. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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by rockstarronan on April 17, 2013  •  Permalink
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Posted by rockstarronan on April 17, 2013

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I’m sad, I’m sad, I’m sad.

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Ronan. I’m in route back to Phoenix on your 21 months since you left this earth. I’ve been having flashbacks of the end of your days, off and on today. Mostly it is still so painful that I find myself trying to block out the memories of that horrific time from flooding my mind. I’ve been telling myself all day things like your death, isn’t really real. I’ve been telling myself all day this is somebody’s else’s life and not my own. Sometimes I pretend like I am watching a movie or reading a book of a stranger who is living the life that I am living. Avoiding my reality once in a while helps me get through the days that I just can’t take living this life without you anymore. Eventually, reality always comes back and smacks me in the face though. Tonight a big dose of reality is waiting for me as I step off this plane. I know what I am coming home to. Your daddy and brothers will be waiting for me so excited at the airport. I know the tears that will fill my eyes that I will have to fight back. Of course I am happy to see them but it’s you I want to see the most and you are never there, waiting for me with the 3 of them like you should be. I will always look for you though.

New York was a good trip. A productive trip. I met with quite a few people and will have some decisions to make. I met with one editor from a certain publishing house, more than once. Once in a formal setting and once again, outside of her office. I felt a connection with her that I often don’t feel after just meeting someone for the first time. I know what part of our connection is. She has a Ronan. Plain and simple. She has a son that she is absolutely insanely in love with and she completely gets the bond that I have with you. We sat outside of her office and I told her some things that I don’t share with just anyone. We talked a lot about you, about her son and all the things you are making happen in this world. She knows that you are the force behind everything that comes my way. She talked about my natural talent as I writer. How some people try so hard to become a writer and they just don’t have the natural ability that I have. She told me that she knows that this is a gift from you. It’s one of the things are you driving me to do in this life. She told me I could have chosen to do anything after losing you, but this chose me and it’s what I will do for the rest of my life. “You are a writer, plain and simple. This is what you were meant to do and will do for the rest of your life.” Coming from her, I was beyond flattered. She’s a pretty big deal in the literary world and is a writer herself. Hearing those words from her meant a lot to me. I took everything she said to heart and appreciated her willingness to be so open and honest with me. She has given me a lot to think about. I love people like that. The one’s in life that make you think about things from every different angle and don’t want you just to take the easy way out.
With the little free time that I had in New York, I spent it with Rachel. Our Rachel that feels like a younger sister to me. We walked all over the city. So much so that at one point I told her I felt like my vagina was going to fall out due to the heaviness of carrying Poppy. Sorry if that was TMI, but if you’ve ever carried a baby, you know what I am talking about. I took her to your favorite pizza spot, Deliza’s, which is right by the Ronald McDonald House. I knew I wanted to go there during this trip but I imagined going all alone and crying into my favorite soup. Instead, I grabbed Rachel and took her with me. I was so glad I didn’t have to sit there alone. I ate your favorite pizza and soup. I wish I could tell you it tasted as amazing as I remembered it with you, but of course it didn’t. Nothing in the world will ever taste as good, smell as good, or feel as good as it did when you were here with me.
I’m not going to lie. I’ve noticed myself starting to have a really hard lately. As in really hard. Really hard in the way that I felt not long after losing you. I remember the 6 month mark being a really hard time for me. I feel like I am back there again. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. I feel myself slipping into my alone place, not wanting to connect with anyone. I’ve noticed my heart racing a lot like I am having panic attacks again. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that you are dead and the world is just going on when mine seems to be standing still. The world seems so noisy and not in a good way. It seems to be filled with all the wrong things, the wrong people hurting others, the wrong everything. Everything seems to be suffocating me. I’m sure my feeling this way is due to a combination of things. I am about to have this baby girl and also your 2 years since you died is right around the corner. I find myself obsessing about you and why you are not here. I find myself obsessing about your safety, your happiness, your sadness and who is taking care of you when it should be clearly be me. I am angry and sad in a way that I haven’t been in a while and there is nothing that can make this pain go away or better. I day dream of leaving this fucking life behind because sometimes my sadness is just too heavy and too much. I am trying to get excited about Poppy, but all I can focus on is not having you physically here to be a part of her life. I know you will be a part of her, Ronan, but not in the way I want or you want. It’s not the same as having you here.
I sat today and tried to be productive. Mostly my day was filled with my tears that seemed never-ending. I went to see your Sparkly for a bit. I hate seeing him on days like today where I am so sad that I can tell it hurts him.
“I don’t know what’s going on. I’m so sad and I can’t stop crying. I just miss him so much.”
  I could see the way his eyes were starting to form tears as he said to me, “You just spent the past week talking all about Ronan in New York. Thinking all about Ronan in New York, not that you’re not always thinking about him but I know everything in New York was very intense for you. You aren’t sleeping at all. You have a baby on the way. You have to be mentally and physically exhausted, sweetheart. I don’t know why you continue to do things like this. The going to New York thing all alone. It’s too much, especially at this point in your life.”
Me: “But I always do these things alone. That’s how I like it.”
Him: “I know you insist on doing all these things alone, but it’s not the way it should be. You are back now so please just take these next few days to just stop. Slow down. You’re doing too much.”
I just let my eyes fall to the floor. I wanted to say I don’t know how to stop. How stopping will make me want to run up my mountain 8 months pregnant and not come back down. But I just promised him I would try instead.
We sat for a while longer and caught up. As I was walking off your Mr. Sparkly Eyes said, “Hey, please just give me a smile. Even if you don’t mean it or don’t feel like it. Come on, just try for me.”
Not even him begging for a smile could make one appear today. I was not about to put on a pretend one for him either. So I just turned around, walked back and wrapped my arms around him instead. I stood that way for a minute, while the tears fell down my face. I wiped my tears away and let him tell me it was going to be alright. I nodded my head and walked off repeating the words over and over again, “It’s going to be alright, it’s going to be alright.”
I don’t know if things will ever be alright, Ronan. All I know is this is the way it is.
I miss you so much. I love you so much. I will forever be sorry, sad, and brokenhearted. I hope you are safe. G’nite baby doll.
xoxo
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by rockstarronan on February 11, 2013  •  Permalink
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Posted by rockstarronan on February 11, 2013

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There Are 2 Things in Life I Will Never Say No To. Anything That Has To Do With You and New York City.

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Ronan. I know I’ve been quiet. I know you all worry when I am quiet, but I promise I am o.k. O.k…. I’ll admit it. I did see my life flash before my very eyes a couple of days ago when I found myself in bed, on my 6th Cadbury Cream Egg, and watching “The Kardashians.” I had a moment of sheer panic wash over me as I thought to myself, “Who am I?? In bed? The Kardashians?! OMG. I need an intervention.” I felt myself slipping into a deep depression that I hadn’t felt in a while. After the whole White House petition, I knew I was due for a breakdown. I had spent so much time working on it, losing sleep over it, and mostly obsessing over it… I knew I was going to crack. Then, the very itty bitty baby contractions started. OUCH!!!! Ummmm… ouch!!! It’s much too early for those. I was put under strict orders to slow things down and to stop with the stress. That’s what landed me in bed and somehow sucked me into the land of reality television which is so far from reality that it makes me want to barf. I sat in my bed for a couple of days and pondered life and death. The whole, what am I doing thing? Where is Ronan? And how in the world am I living without him? I did my best all week to do the normal mom things that I have to do to run our house. A Target trip that seemed so overwhelming to me that I had to sit in the parking lot and sob for a good 20 minutes before I could even get into the store to buy the one item I needed. Only my Dr. Bronner Magic Soap that I am obsessed with could have gotten me into that store and I was totally out, otherwise I would have aborted mission. I’ve been trying all week to get over to PCH to grab your Captain Rex costume that we used to decorate the Christmas Tree. I have been mentally visualizing myself walking into that hospital but then having to walk out with my dead child’s costume. In my mind, I’ve walked out with your costume at least 50 times. Through my flood of tears I sent your Sparkly a text, “Can you please get Ronan’s costume for me. I have tried to get it about 3 times, but all I can do is sit in the parking lot and cry.” “Of course I can. Consider it done.” he said. You’d think with all the shit I do, that walking into a hospital to get your costume would be easy, right? Well, that’s the world I live in, Ronan. To me, the littlest things can sometimes seem like the most difficult. I would rather jump out of an airplane, 10 times then have to walk out of PCH with your Captain Rex costume that you will never wear again. Walking in with it was easy. It’s the walking out with it that I just cannot bring myself to do.

I am really glad I did not die by the death of too many Cadbury Cream Eggs and The Kardashians. I am really glad about that because of days like today that seem to just magically fall into place when I need a big slap in the face of why what I am doing, is so important. I had a little secret very important meeting today. Your Fairy RoMo just happened to be in town for this meeting. One that I so badly wanted her at and one that she so badly wanted to be at but did not think she could come for due to her crazy work schedule. The stars magically aligned for the worst reasons possible so your Fairy RoMo has been in AZ for a little over a week now. When I remembered this meeting was taking place, I of course told your Fairy RoMo about it and she was more than happy to go with me. Our super secret meeting required us leaving my house at the butt crack of dawn this morning and driving half way to L.A. a.k.a The Wigwam Resort in Litchfield Park, AZ. I was excited about this meeting but as always I go in not expecting a thing. I have taught myself it is better to go into something not expecting a thing that way less disappointments occur.

Can I just say today, I am so glad I had your Fairy RoMo there with me not only as my dear friend, but as a witness to the amazingness that occurred. Because if I would have left that meeting today and had to report back to your daddy/board members about the conversation that was had, they would have all told me to get out of my fantasy world and back to reality. We both left our breakfast/meeting, speechless to say the least. It all started with the meeting of a lady who is such a badass in the cancer world, that Darth Vader would be scared of her. It all started with her looking  me in the eyes and saying, “What do you want? Tell me your dream for all of this.” So I blabbed all about our Neuroblastoma Research and Care Center. I did it without crying and drowning in my tears. I talked about it in a way that I made her understand why the care is just as important as the research. She grabbed my hand and said, “I promise you, we are going to make your dream, a reality. Now that I’ve met you, you’re in.” It was like I was let into the most exclusive club that ever existed. And in the cancer world, with this organization, that is absolutely the case. Follow up plans were made. It’s taken me all day to wrap my head around what this could mean. I feel like I haven’t been able to catch my breath all day and it’s not just from Poppy suffocating me. Let the evil secret cancer plans to take over the world, begin. Mawahahahahaha….

I had Dr. JoRo over to our house today. We very much needed a pow wow session. It’s been much too long. We talked a lot about Poppy, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, and of course you. Just as I was saying to her, “How am I going to survive these next two months?” A text popped up on my phone. It was my agent, Nena. “Hey, can you meet me in New York next week to meet with some publishing houses?” I just smiled at Dr. JoRo. “Here’s how I’m going to get through the next two months. By taking a little time out to go to New York.” What perfect timing. Of course I’m cutting it close with not being able to fly due to being so far along in my pregnancy, but I’m cutting it just close enough that I will make it. You know I will always say yes to New York. Especially when it involves you, which it always does.

This is all for tonight, little man. I’m mentally tapped out. G’nite. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I promise to make you proud.

xoxo

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by rockstarronan on January 31, 2013  •  Permalink
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Posted by rockstarronan on January 31, 2013

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I Don’t Know What To Expect When I’m Expecting

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Ronan. My week has kind of gotten away from me. I’ve had your brother home sick 3 days this week. He’s had a sinus infection (Yay! Not cancer) which you know I am always thankful for. Your brothers get the flu, awesome! An ear infection, counting my blessings! You will never hear me complain about fevers, strep throat, throwing up, etc… Those things to me, are blessings. Having Quinn home makes me do things around here which you know I’m not a fan of. I don’t like being in our house, without you. I don’t like when I have to stay cooped up all day, not running around doing 50 million things. But staying home this week has made me realize that I am beyond wiped out, carrying a real life baby, and almost starting my 3rd trimester. WTF. It’s like I’m just now getting the memo, “Hi, you’re pregnant!” No wonder I have been feeling like crap lately. This pregnancy/growing your baby sister is hard freaking work. I got to see her on an 3-D ultra sound on Tuesday. She is so beautiful already. Her little face is all filled out. Her pump, full, lips look just like yours. She has a ton of hair already. The ultra sound tech could not get over her long, long legs. She obviously gets those from your daddy.

I saw my OBGYN as well. We went over the ultrasound and all of Poppy’s measurements which look perfect. Everything looks perfect, just the way things looked with you, too. You know that I will never stop worrying about this baby having cancer, ever. I worry about it with your brothers, too. That will never go away. Dr. Schwartz asked how I was feeling. I told her alright for the most part. Then I went down that road. One I would have never went down before if you had never died. That oh so fun place only mom’s get to go that have had a child who has died.

“Can we talk about when you can induce me. Because you know the world I live in now, and you know I am scared she’s going to die if you let me go to my due date. I am so scared of having a still birth because that’s the world I live in now and it’s all I hear about, besides cancer.”

Dr. Schwartz calmly talked about when she could induce me and told me that she would not let me go to my due date because she knows the fear I have. She told me she would keep a close eye on me, strip my membranes again, like she did with you if I wanted Poppy to come out a little early. She did not make me feel like the crazy person that I was feeling like which was so nice of her to do. She is a wonderful doctor. I left there feeling like I am somewhat in control of this even though I know I am not. I am doing the only thing I know how which is leaving this all in the hands of you. I have to trust in you that your Poppy sister is going to be alright.

I’ve had to start thinking about things like what it is going to be like, when Poppy arrives. Your Mr. Sparkly Eyes, and Poppy’s Godfather, said to me a while ago, “You know it’s going to be a circus.” I just told him in no way shape or form did I want that. I told him I wasn’t going to let it be that way and he said something like, “Well, you’d better start figuring out how to control that.” I’ve slowly been doing that. I had the talk with Stacy and Fernanda this week. I told them what I have been thinking. I don’t want anyone at the hospital, except your daddy and your brothers when the time is right and she is here, safe and sound. It took me a minute to explain all of this to them, but by the end they were both a little teary eyed and said they agreed with me and understood why. To me, this is a private time for our family. I have been so public with everything and after everything we have gone through, I want this little girl to enter this world as peacefully as possible. I don’t have a clue as to how I am going to feel, once she arrives. What if I totally freak out and lose it? I have no way of gauging my feelings because I never know how I am going to feel on a day to day basis. I do know this. I am going to need some time with her. Alone. To bond. To cry. To feel happy. To feel sad. To feel everything I know I am going to be feeling. Having a baby is emotional under normal circumstances. Throw in a traumatic death of a child on top of it and it’s a freaking party now! I am doing this to protect myself because I already know I am going to need the time. I’m not doing this to be hurtful or mean. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but this is the decision I have made. Maybe after she gets here, my mind will change but as of now, it has not. I even had to tell your Nana, not to come. My own mother whom I love to the moon and back. That about broke my heart right then and there. I asked her to just give me some time and to come in, after we get home from the hospital. I could tell your Nana was a bit sad about this but I just said, “Mom, I don’t know how or what I am going to be feeling and I just want to be able to be, without having the pressure of having to fake like I am feeling one way, if I am not.” She just gave me a squeeze and told me, “Of course, honey. I understand.” I feel like it’s taken a long time for the 4 of us to find our rhythm again here, without you. It’s taken a lot of work to get us to go on in our day to day lives, together, as a family, with such a huge void that never goes away. We have days that we still trip, stumble and fall. It never feels totally right, but we have worked very hard, together, to get where we are today. I know Poppy is going to help us find our way a little more, too. Having her here is going to be an overwhelming mix of everything and I know, we are each going to need some time with her, just the 4 of us. Although this is a happy time for us in our lives, the sadness of not having you here, to meet your baby sister is almost at times too much for me to even fathom. I remember with all of you, I read that book, “What To Expect, When You’re Expecting.” I carried that thing around with me like it was my bible. It seemed to have all the answers. Now, going back to try to read that book is like a sick joke. They don’t have a clue as to what they can tell me about this time around. Everything is different. I have yet to find a good book about what it is like to have a baby, after going through something as traumatic as losing a child to cancer. Seems nobody wants to take on that topic. I don’t blame them. Maybe I’ll take in on in my free time. Maybe I’ll call it, “What To Expect After Losing A Child And Having Another. How About No Expectations Because Nobody Knows.”

This weekend is a busy one. The P.F. Changs Marathon is this Sunday. Dr. Sholler gets in Friday night to me my surrogate runner and I am so excited to see her and have her here. That woman humbles me like no other. I guess it was good that I had a fairly quiet week because I am going to need to find my energy for this weekend. Thank you to all of you who are running for Ronan and who have raised so much money for us. I can’t wait to see you at the finish line!

I’m tired tonight, Ronan. Did I forget to mention the fact that I know your sister is going to be extra spicy, just like you? She never slows down in my tummy and it always seems like she is having a party in there. I swear I feel her moving, kicking, punching, twirling around all day long and most of the night as well. I am so excited to meet this beautiful gift you have given us. Thank you. I know you know how much we all need her. I promise to be the best mama to her.

I love you, Ronan. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

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by rockstarronan on January 17, 2013  •  Permalink
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Posted by rockstarronan on January 17, 2013

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Do you think there will ever come a time when Christmas lights won’t be blurry from my tears?

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Ronan. A couple of things dawned on me tonight after I dropped by dinner to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I was walking back to my car and I just fucking lost it. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but before I knew it, I was sobbing so hard it was all I could do to make it to my car before my tears formed puddles at my feet and I just slowly drowned. Once I got to my car, I knew it would be a while before I was able to leave the parking lot. I buried my head into the steering wheel and just gave into everything I needed to let out. It’s been a few days since I’ve really cried and I guess I’ve been holding a lot in by distracting myself and being so busy. Soon, my head was filled with thoughts that I couldn’t control. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” I think in the back of my mind a small part of me thought that I am selfishly doing everything I am doing in this world, for myself. That somehow by doing everything I am doing, this pain will someday become less and maybe someday, I won’t miss you so much that it hurts this badly, all of the time. In a way, I wanted that to be true but I know after tonight, that this won’t ever be the case. There is not a part of me that is doing any of this for myself because I don’t live for myself anymore.This life I live now is not about me anymore. It’s about helping other people as much as I can and in anyway that I can in this totally fucked up world where I cannot even see Christmas lights properly because they are always so blurry from my falling tears.
Right in the middle of my breakdown, your Sparkly called.

“Thank you for the dinner, you are the sweetest. Are you home now?”

Me: “No. I’m sitting in the parking lot. I can’t go home to an empty house.” Insert sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldn’t even finish my sentence, here……

Him: “Shhhhhh. Darling. It’s o.k.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I thought I was fine tonight after I left and I don’t know what happened. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Him: “Stop saying you’re sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Me: I couldn’t talk so I didn’t. I just continued to cry into the phone for the next few minutes while he just sat and listened.

Him: “Get home, o.k.? I will see you tomorrow.”

I got home. Nobody was there. I peeked through our kitchen window from the outside of our house before going in. The house was dark and our kitchen table was empty. It wouldn’t have been this way, if you were still here. I had a flashback of that time I was coming home from somewhere and as I pulled into our house, I could see all of you sitting at our table, eating dinner. I remember the sight of that, made me so happy, that I snapped a picture of it. I remember the way you looked at me through the dinner and waved and laughed. Cancer was everywhere in your body, but you didn’t act like it. You were just so happy being home with all of us.

I’ve been really busy. With a lot of different things. I had a super important phone call this week. I was restless the night before due to this phone call even though I told myself I was just going to wing and speak from the heart, I still went to bed over-analyzing everything. I set up a little shrine in your room to sit and do my phone call in. I put down the blanket that you died on and on top of that I set out all of your favorite things. Your Master Yoda, your Spirit Hood, your gigi blanket. I sat quietly in your room for a while. I talked to you in my head the way I always do when I need you to work your little Ronan magic. My phone rang and so I did my thing. I don’t want to talk to much about it because I don’t want to jinx myself. I think the phone call went really, really, well. At least that is the vibe I got. It was a good way to start the day, if anything. I should know more, soon.

I’ve been trying to get us all ready for our second Christmas, without you. I remember last year, I couldn’t even pack my suitcase. We shall see if I succeed this year. I talked to Macy about my trip out to San Francisco for Teddy’s celebration of life. I think she was sobbing on the phone while she tried to talk to me about the decision I made to go out there and if I had actually thought it through. I sat there numbly and didn’t say much. She asked if I remembered your service and how difficult it was. I told her I didn’t remember a thing about it except I don’t think I cried. I know I was in shock but I am also sure I was numb from much of the medication I was on. I then just said to Macy, “I’m not doing this for myself. I’m doing this for Ronan and Teddy because that is all that matters. I’m doing this, for them.” She said alright and she would be there with me, to hold my hand. That’s all I needed to hear. I don’t know if I could handle this without Macy by my side. I’m so lucky to have her, Ro. Thank you for bringing her to us.

I have lots to do today. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

IMG_0028

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by rockstarronan on December 21, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by rockstarronan on December 21, 2012

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2 a.m. Insomnia Parties With A Raccoon and A Cat

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Ronan. Everyday normal things will no longer exist in my life again. Not even a trip to the grocery store, the car wash, the bank, etc… Even the littlest things are different. I’ve been keeping myself busy enough because my life depends on it. I could easily see myself sinking into a very depressed state of mind and not getting out of bed until Poppy is born. That is why it is so important to me to have most of my days, planned out. I no longer love the luxury of not having things to do. Because if I don’t have things to do, I just won’t do anything at all and that is not a good place for me to be.

 I went to see my OBGYN a couple of days ago, just for my 4 week standard check-up. As I said before, everything with your Poppy sister looks great, but I still sat and told Dr. Schwartz about how I made the ultrasound technician check for any type of mass in Poppy’s body. She sat with me for a good half an hour to discuss how I am doing, how I am feeling, how I am dealing with all of this, and how much I miss you. I know she did not have to do this. She is one of the busiest women on the planet, but I so appreciated her taking the time to talk to me about anything and everything. She told me she would send me back to get more in depth ultrasounds whenever I wanted, she would find any excuse to send me. We have decided my next one will be at 26 weeks. She told me had you had this at birth, it would have been so microscopic that nothing would have shown up. If it would have shown up as something bigger and abnormal, they would have seen it and told me. I don’t know if this made me feel better, but I appreciated her taking the time to talk about the questions I have. She is a great doctor. After I left there, my phone rang. It was Dr. Schwartz telling me that she just got the flu shot in and she was highly recommending that I get one. I told her I wasn’t going to. She told me about the study that just came out linking pregnant women and the flu, to autism. I talked with her a bit about how I really didn’t want to get it. I would rather not put something into my body if I don’t have to. She once again, told me she couldn’t make me, but she felt very strongly about it due to how much I’m in the public and traveling. I asked Stacy and Fernanda about it. They urged me to go. I asked your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. He told me to please go and get it done. Of course I listened. I went today. Remember how I said that nothing will ever be the same again? I cannot even get a flu shot without thinking of you. I’ll never forget all the “pokies,” we had to give you after your rounds of chemo. How much you hated them. How I would hold you and your daddy would give you the shot. Shot after shot after shot. How you would scream and cry and try to be brave, but you hated it so much. My shot didn’t hurt for me today. My shot hurt for you. I’m so sorry for all you had to go through. It was so not fair or right. Any of it.
Do you know what else I’ve gotten to do the past couple of days? I went with Stacy and Fernanda to shop for your Christmas Tree that we are putting up this weekend at PCH. Of course it is a Star Wars theme. We decided this year, to do it all after your favorite guy, Captain Rex. The entire tree is going to be blue and white. Fernanda came up with the brilliant idea to find an actual mannequin and dress him up like Captain Rex to look like he is playing next to the tree. We found a kid sized one to dress up. The girls asked if I still had your Captain Rex costume. I knew where it was, but I had not touched it since you wore it on our last Halloween together. They offered to buy a new one. I told them it was o.k. We could use your little one to put on the mannequin. They both asked if I was sure. I told them I was. I can be brave. I can do this. I went and got it. I inhaled it, hoping for it to smell like you. It didn’t. I set it out for Stacy to pick up to give to Fernanda to let her work her magic. She sent me a picture of it today. It took my breath away. The little mannequin dressed up like you, looked just like you did when you actually wore the costume. I must have sat and stared at that picture for a good five minutes. I cannot believe that this is my life. That I don’t have my own Captain Rex here with me anymore to protect me. I cannot believe a mannequin is wearing my dead child’s costume. I do these things for you. Because I know you would want it to be this way. If you can’t be here with me, I will honor you by bringing your little light everywhere that I can. Including a Children’s Hospital ward where we spent so much time.
I have not been sleeping well. My internal clock has been waking me up at about 2 a.m. for months now. Last night, when I was roaming around our house, I looked outside. I saw a cat in our driveway and right behind that, a big raccoon. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a raccoon in Arizona before. I sat and watched it. I tapped on our kitchen the window. It stopped and looked my way. It was weird and creepy and I was so sad when this morning when I didn’t have you to tell my story to. I told your brothers. They thought it was pretty cool. Liam of course tried to tell me it was just another cat. Such a little skeptic he is. My 2 a.m. witching hour can be fun, Ro! Just throw a few raccoons my way. I then went on Google to do some research on if cats and raccoons are friends. Turns out, they are not. That raccoon was very likely stalking the cat to eat it. The things you learn at 2 a.m. I am a wealth of knowledge in all things raccoon now. I am also very productive at 2 a.m.  I would give anything to have you here to cuddle up to because I can’t sleep. I would give anything not to be waking up because I don’t have you here to cuddle up to. I fucking hate 2 a.m. 2 a.m. blows. I usually fall back asleep around 5 a.m. I need to find a hobby during my witching hours. Maybe I’ll start baking.
I saw your Sparky yesterday. He asked me why I looked so perplexed. I just told him I had a lot going on in my head, like always. We sat and caught up. I was having a really, really sad day but didn’t want to let him in on that. So we talked a lot about your foundation and a few other top-secret things I have in the works. I was wearing my most favorite Frye Cowboy boots that I have had for about 7 years. He made fun of them and made me laugh. I told him they were my favorite boots ever. He said he knew. I left there, feeling like my heart was going to explode from the pain of missing you. I attempted to drive home but had to pull over mid way so I could bang my head against my steering wheel and cry. I called your Sparkly up.
Me: “Do you think I’ll ever stop being so sad?”
Him: “Darling. Come on. Your boots were not that ugly.”
Not even his witty remark made me giggle. It was quiet. I just sat and cried into the phone.
Him: “I do. I honestly do. Not right now, but someday you won’t be this sad.”
Me: “I’m so sad all the time. Nothing helps. I miss him so much.”
Him: “I know you do.”
I sat and cried into the phone while he just listened.
Him: “Are you home now? Please get home. I will speak with you tomorrow.”
Me: “O.k.” I’m almost home.”
I got home to our empty house. I laid on our bed and cried for a long time. My face seems to be constantly wet these days. I wonder if my never-ending tears are because of how much I miss you, or all of my hormones due to being pregnant or a combination of everything. I used to be able to go days without crying. Now I’m crying every single day, sometimes every single hour. At least my anger seems to be under control. I don’t want to sit and punch things or hurt myself. I just want to sit and cry, so I do.
I’ve got to go now, Ro. Lots to do but all I really want to do is be busy taking care of you. I’m sorry. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
xoxo
This is the Captain Rex that will go under your tree at PCH this year. Your costume. I only wish it were your body wearing it.

This is the Captain Rex that will go under your tree at PCH this year. Your costume. I only wish it were your body wearing it.

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by rockstarronan on November 30, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by rockstarronan on November 30, 2012

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It’s 3:25 a.m.? Rise and Shine Insomnia!

Ronan. Not crying. Not crying. Not crying. Who am I kidding. #cryingallday. Everything hurts. Nothing gets easier. I don’t miss you less. Who is the jackass that made up that “wise saying?” That pain becomes less as time goes on. Obviously someone who never lost a child. I met a friend this morning for coffee. She lost her daughter to cancer. Her baby, was 21 when she was diagnosed. Twenty freaking one. And it was to childhood cancer. If that doesn’t scare the shit out of you, nothing will. It scares the shit out of me and I know what it’s like to lose you to cancer. It scares the shit out of me, for Liam, Quinn, and now this Poppy baby. Cancer can strike at any time and the fact that options for all these kids is so limited, is beyond bullshit. I know the pain of losing a child, at any age, is awful. But I think about my friends daughter, and the fact that at her age, she knew what was happening. That destroys me. And I hurt for my friend who had to bury her child who was pretty much an adult. And now has to stay here and is expected to go on with this so called life. It’s all so unfair. We talked about how painful this is, how time does not make things better, but how we both know we will see our babies again, someday. But how not physically having them here, is so very difficult. We both ache for our children so badly that it makes every single bone in our bodies throb with pain. Especially during the holidays. Everything seems heightened to the max.

After I left my friend, I ran to the store. I was on a mission to grab some things for our very empty refrigerator. Mission accomplished without having a breakdown. I came home and started whipping up the pies that I had promised your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. Homemade crust. Homemade whipped cream. An apple pie first. I had my iTunes on. Of course my Taylor Swift playlist was playing. I like to listen to her when I bake. I had just put the apple pie in the oven when your song, “Ronan,” came on. I always skip over it if it comes on my playlist. Not because I don’t love it. Because I do. So much. I still think it is the most beautiful song that I have ever heard. But because I know what happens when I listen to that song. I end up with a black mascara filled face and usually huddled up on the floor somewhere. I had my hand on my keyboard to skip it, but I told myself that today, I would listen to it. I let it continue to play. I let the tears come, too. Every single lyric, makes me lose it. I wanted you so badly, to be in the kitchen cooking with me, like we used to do. I so badly, wanted my little sidekick and partner in crime. The song finished. I cleaned myself up and continued on to my pumpkin pie. I let myself get lost in my baking. They turned out beautifully. I hope they taste as good as they look. Tomorrow, I will bake with Macy. She wanted me to wait for her, to do our pies.

I wonder if my sleep will ever be the same again. I fall asleep easily much of the time, only to wake up like clock work around the time you passed away. Your daddy knows I’ve been having the worst time sleeping. He looked at me the other morning and asked what was going on, that I was having such an awful time sleeping. My eyes started to tear up and I just said, “Because I don’t know where my child is.” That is how I feel. Like you are missing and not actually dead. Missing but I’ll never be able to find you. I will forever go on searching for you in this messed up world full of things that don’t make sense.

Macy is here now. Tomorrow is here, too. I will do my best to get through the day. I miss my mom and your Papa Jim so very much. I am thankful for the friends that are like family who will help us get through the day. I would give anything to be with you, through. I will take this Macegiving to count the things that I am thankful for, on one hand. That is about the best I can do. I think that is pretty good, considering our circumstances. Last year I probably would have said I was thankful for nothing. This year, I know the things in my life that I will be thankful for and my list won’t include stupid black friday. My list will include the things that are truly important such as the health of your brothers, this Poppy baby, your daddy, our loved ones and for all the people who have been touched by your story and who are helping keep you alive in a way. As always, I am thankful for you and that I am your mama. I am not thankful to that asshole cancer. I would like to rip it’s face off with my bare hands. I’m working on it but my revenge will never serve justice for your death. Nothing will. I don’t even want fucking justice. I just want you back. I just want this to all be a dream and to wake up now. I am so tired of this life without you.

This is all for now. It’s 4 a.m. I’m not tired but my eyes burn and my brain is mush. I am going to try to get a little more rest before I have to take on this day. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby boy.

xoxo

P.S. Dear lovely little blog readers. I love you. I hope you have a great day today filled with all of the simple things that matter. Thank you for not being thankful for any of the shallow things in life, but for the things that truly matter. Thanks for learning this lesson and letting it make you a better person. Please keep all the other people out there, who may be going through a hard time, in your thoughts. I have a bunch of families that I will be thinking of, not just our own. I am truly thankful for all of you. I love you. This was our last Thanksgiving with Ronan. I was so happy. It was my best Thanksgiving, ever. I love you, Liz. I love you, Ronan. I am forever so very sorry I couldn’t fix you.

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by rockstarronan on November 22, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by rockstarronan on November 22, 2012

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Not a life full of beauty but one full of beautiful moments instead

Ronan. Today was one of those days where I just could not stop crying. I cried after I dropped your brothers off at school, I cried over every single Taylor Swift song that came on the C.D. I was listening to, I cried when I ran over to the mall looking for a very specific gift which I could not find, I cried when I went over to the baby girl section and tried to look at the clothes. I had a flashback to the days of when I used to ohhhh and awwww over baby girl clothes. Today, I didn’t see anything I liked and I just wanted to rip everything off of the racks. What is wrong with me? Then I remembered. Grief. Hormones. Pregnancy. Stress. Not sleeping well. Missing you. A lot is wrong with me, actually. WTF asshole mother fucker who thought I could handle all of this. All of this is way much for one person to handle. I left the mall, upset and sent my little Mandy Bee a message. “I need your help. Call me.” I told her about the gift I needed to find. She of course made a ninja plan to help me tomorrow, go and find it. She called around to a few places. Tomorrow will be better with my sidekick in tow to help out with my crisis which is actually not a crisis at all. It felt like it today.

I got a text from your Sparkly. I went down to his office. I picked up Starbucks. A coffee for him. A water for me. We shared some fruit and nuts. We sat and caught up. Our weekly little catch up that means everything to me. “Why are your eyes so red today?” He asked. Fuck, I thought to myself. I was not going to mention to him, how I had been crying most of the day but apparently my bloodshot eyes were not cooperating. “Oh, that would just be because I’ve been crying all day.” “Why so much today? Just the usual?” he asked. “Yes. Just the usual. I just miss Ronan so much, all the time, that’s all.” He knows that. He always knows that. We talked about some other things. He was proud of the advice he gave me that I listened to. I told him how he was pretty much the only person I listened to in this life anymore. He knows that too. You know what I told him today? That my life without you is full of so much pain, sadness and hurt. That all I get now are beautiful moments in life. I don’t get a life full of beauty, only moments. Those moments mean so much to me. They are like the air I breathe and I inhale them as much as I can. This is why it is so important to me, the people we surround ourselves with and the life we choose to live. The moments of utter beauty and bliss that I only feel by being with certain people. I soak them up whenever I can, as much as I can. They help me to survive this life I live now, without your sparkly eyes, little laugh and sweet lips. A life full of moments is what I am left with, Ronan. I’m afraid this is the best it is going to get. I will be thankful for those moments. I am trying my best. But I miss the days when life was always beautiful, always joyful, always full of such love and laughter. Back when you were healthy and here. Everything was so simple and so easy. I was always so thankful for what we had. It’s hard to have the all ripped away and still look on the bright side of things. Mother fucking asshole cancer. I hate you.

We went out to dinner tonight to one of our favorite restaurants, Tarbell’s. We sat, just the 4 of us and I tried to let myself relax and enjoy our dinner. This never happens for me. My mind is always wandering to where you would be sitting, what you would be eating, how beautiful your little face would have looked lit up by the flickering of the candlelight. We talked about Poppy for a while. I told your brothers once again, how I really want to name this baby girl, Poppy. They are so not cool with it. Quinn looked at me and said, “Why do you want to name her Poppy? That is basically like naming her Wooddawg.” I had to laugh at that. I told him about the story that somebody told me about the Poppy flower.

Flanders is the name of the whole western part of Belgium. It saw some of the most concentrated and bloodiest fights at the first world war .

There was complete devastation. Buildings, roads, trees and natural life is simply disappeared. Where once there were homes and farms there was now a sea of mud, a grave for the dead where the men still live and fought.

Only one other living thing survived and that was the poppy, flowering each year with the coming of the warm weather. It brought life, hope, color and reassurance to those still fighting.

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

 

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
In Flanders Fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders Fields.
John McCrae 1915

I’ve am living in a war zone every single day. I am surviving, just like the Poppy flower. If I wasn’t sold on the name Poppy, I sure am now. Who am I kidding? I think the name is darling and it truly makes me smile. It makes me feel happy. I don’t think there is any deciding until we actually see this baby girl. Even if we name her something else, she will be called Poppy as a nickname. It is already her name, and she is not even here. Now if I can only get those brothers of yours on Team Poppy. I think you would have liked the name. I think it would have gotten the Ronan seal of approval.

This is the end of your story for tonight, baby doll . I am as always, wiped out. I’ll fall asleep quickly as I have been doing so easily lately. Only to wake up around midnight to toss and turn for the rest of the night. I kind of miss my Ambien is the devil days. The devil was kind of fun to dance with. Sometimes, I miss it. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, little one.

xoxo

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by rockstarronan on November 13, 2012  •  Permalink
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“From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby…”

Ronan. Today, was not a day I expected at all. I had an early appointment at The Fetal&Women’s Center of Arizona. I had to take your brothers because the appointment was so early. Mandy Bee offered to come and sit with them while I went back for my appointment. As we were sitting there waiting, Mandy goes, “You know you can find out the sex of the baby here, right?” I told her I wasn’t aware of that as I thought I had to wait until I saw my OBGYN in a couple more weeks. She told me how she found out at 12 weeks here with both of her boys. I am further along than that, but not much. As soon as my name was called, I got up and asked if it was o.k. if everybody came back in the room with me. The sweet lady told me it was. Your brothers sat playing on their iPads and I was on the table, getting my little belly lubed up. Pretty soon, Poppy was on the big screen. My heart started pounding. So loudly I was sure that everyone in the room was going to hear it. The lady started measuring some things. Mandy chirped up, “Can you tell the sex of the baby today?” The technician told her she indeed could. She asked me if I would like to know. I said, “Sure!” Of course you know I am so impatient when it comes to all things being pregnant. She put the little wand over my belly. I felt myself panic. Oh god. Ronan really wanted a girl. Please. I really wanted a girl. For as much as I can say all I care about is a healthy baby, the truth is, a little girl would mean so much mainly for the fact that you wanted a baby sister. The picture came on the screen. I heard her say it was a boy, before she said anything at all. “From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby girl.” “Really? Are you sure?” The technician told me she was about 90% sure. I could not believe my ears. I started bawling, tears falling everywhere. Mandy came over and grabbed my head and kissed the top of it. I buried my head in her shoulder trying to control myself. It was no use. Mascara and snot everywhere. I don’t think I have stopped crying, the entire day. Quinn was over the moon. Liam chirped up that there was a 10% chance that is was not a girl. So typical. So funny. I tried to call your daddy. He didn’t answer. I had Quinn call your Nana. She thought we were all lying to her. No way could it really be a girl.

I finally got your daddy on the phone. As much as I hated to tell him this on the phone because he is in Vegas, there was NO way I couldn’t tell him. “Guess what?” I said, tears still falling everywhere. Your daddy never knows what he’s going to get with me. It could have been everything from “I’m leaving for Tibet to I bought a dog.” I think he was really relieved when he heard me say, “We’re having a baby girl.” He was so happy. He said he knew it. I think deep down, I knew it too, but the confirmation was nice today. I spent the rest of the morning calling and texting our closest peeps. Fernanda. Stacy. Becca. Macy. Liz. Dr. Jo. Melissa. Gay. Tricia. Danielle. Marisa. Carolyn. Charisma. Kass. Rach. Robyn. Rissy Girl. Katie. Meg. Our Fairy RoMo. It is her birthday today. Can you believe that shit?! I found out on her birthday, which was not planned at all! This appointment just happened to fall on her birthday! Talk about another huge sign! There was one person I had not told yet. Your Sparkly. He is the last person I told today. This was not something I was going to tell him over the phone. I had to tell him I was pregnant with this baby, over the phone. I NEVER get to make him smile with happy news, because all the news I sit and share with him is usually so fucking sad or me venting. I sent him a text. “Where are you?” He responded with “In a meeting. Are you o.k.?” I said I was o.k. That I needed to see him today. “I’ll see you in 20 minutes. Come to my office.” I met him there. I was in the middle of sending an email when he came down to get me. I didn’t see him walk up, I only heard him barking some smart ass remark to me, like he always does. He sat down. I told him to hang on, that if I didn’t send this email, I would forget to do it.” He sat. I kind of crawled over to him and gave him a big hug. He laughed at that. “What’s going on? You look pretty today. You know what the baby is, don’t you.” I smiled. “Yup. It’s a baby girl.” I watched his eyes light up in a way that his often do, when he is truly happy. I was so glad I got to tell him my news in person. “I knew you were having a baby girl. I told you that. Ahhhh! You with a baby girl. Finally, someone you can do all those girly things with that you love doing. You two are going to be something else.” I laughed and talked about you a little bit. How much you wanted a baby sister. I am still trying to absorb this all. I cannot believe all the little blessings you are putting in our lives. I left your Sparkly and as I got in the car, I sent him a quick text. “You are going to make the best grand poppy ever. She is so lucky to have you.” He responded back with a simple, “I will.” I said, “I know. Thank you.”

The rest of my day, played out in a way that I don’t think I can take much more. I got a text from Carolyn saying to call her that she had some news. I, of course went to, “Oh fuck. It’s got to be something bad, because too many good things are happening lately.” I texted her back, “Is it good news or bad news?” I was expecting the bad from my friend and foundation president. She responded with, “It might just be the BEST news ever.” I called her. I did not think anything else could happen today, that would leave me speechless. I was wrong. Tears all over. As of now, I can’t talk about our news. All I can say is I cannot believe all of this. I am overwhelmed. I am floored. I cannot believe how truly hard you are working, Ronan. I have never believed in something more in my life, then you. You are making so many amazing things happen. I ended the day with Stacy at Fernanda’s house. I told her the Carolyn news. She could not believe it. A baby girl and now this?! She looked at me and said, “How are you not so overwhelmed?! Aye! Maya! You know this is all Ronan. You know that you could have been in bed for the past year, and we would have all been o.k. with that. Because that would have been totally acceptable! But you chose not to do that, and look at everything is happening.!” I started to cry. I said I knew. I knew but I also knew from day one, that I couldn’t do that. I have to make you proud, Ronan. Lying in bed for the past year, would not have made you proud. But I appreciated Fernanda saying that. I know she meant it because she is such a true friend like that. All of my friends are. I am so lucky to have them all. They stuck by me during my darkest of days. Even on my darkest of days, when nobody knew what to do with me, they stood by me. They didn’t judge me. They may have gently slapped me here and there, but they didn’t talk ill or abandon me or whisper behind my back. This is why they are still in my life. Because they never gave up on the you and me part of this. They just let me be, trusting in me to come around when I needed to come around. For that, I will forever be so thankful. For that, they will forever be my sisters. This baby girl, is going to have so many beautiful aunties. With you watching over her, with a daddy like yours, and your big brothers, too. This baby girl is going to be the most loved little baby girl in the world. Thank you, Ronan. I so badly wish you were here. More than anything. She will be a part of you and I cannot wait to meet her. Please make her extra extra spicy.

Today, was a really happy day full of never-ending tears. Tears of both happiness and sadness. Today, my tears were more happy. I’m soaking that up, because it doesn’t happen often. I miss you so much. I love you so much. I hope you are safe. Please keep this baby girl safe for me, Ronan. I know you will.

xoxo

Happiest Birthday ever to our Fairy RoMo. You are pure magic and are totally going to make the best fucking godmother ever. Poppy is so lucky. We all are. I love you.

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by rockstarronan on October 18, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by rockstarronan on October 18, 2012

http://rockstarronan.com/2012/10/18/from-what-i-can-see-here-it-looks-like-you-are-having-a-baby/

Bye Bye Little Sad House! We Have a New Home!

Ronan. Guess what? I had a good day. Another one of those crazy, good days where something so big happens, that I have seriously been jumping up and down all day long. Thanks to all of the amazing people you are just throwing my way, thanks to this blog, and thanks to the most kind hearted, generous people in the world, I now have a new home. As in The Ronan Thompson Foundation has an office! You know how important it is to me, not to spend the money that people are donating on administration stuff. This is why, I have been doing everything from our house. Our sad little house where I often work from our dining room table, our kitchen table, and even my bed. Our sad little house that leaves makes my skin crawl during the day because I miss you so much. I did not want to use our money, to rent an office space so I did the best with what we had, which was our house or one of the 5 Starbucks that I troll on a regular basis.That Starbucks music was about to make me slit my wrists. But now we have an office! And the people that work in this building, could not be lovelier! They are giving me access to all of their conference rooms, space, and my very own office with a door and all. They even have a COKE machine! Holla! (but don’t tell Poppy. We are almost totally off caffeine) It is the most beautiful building and it even has a basketball court which your brothers are so excited for! They just handed me over a key, and voila! Welcome to our new home! I took Becca and Stacy there today. They both cannot believe this. Carolyn called me and left me a message that said something like, “This is the yellow brick road and you are Dorothy!” That make me smile so big. It just tells me, once again, what we are doing, is so right. If it was not, things like this would not just continue to happen over and over again. Thank you, Amy for hooking this up. Thank you, V and K. For being so kind and generous today. I can not wait to have an actual place to go to where I will be a thousand times more productive. And maybe a little less sad. Watch out childhood cancer! I’m really going to kick your ass now! I promise to be the best little tenant ever.

I have been reading all of your comments today. I had forgotten about that story that happened while Woody and I were in a Nordstrom Rack in San Diego. The one where I was watching that little girl play in all the clothes racks. I was mesmerized by her. I had just lost you. I heard her mom call out her name. “Ireland!” I almost fell over. I went up to the mom. “What is your daughters’ name?” She just looked at me and said, “Ireland.” I smiled and said, “It’s beautiful.” That has been our girl name, for about 10 years. I wonder if that was a sign of what’s to come. I have a few more weeks before I will find out. Ireland Ronan. I think you would have loved that name. We shall see, right Ro baby. If this baby is a girl, I will fall over. I never thought I would have a girl, but have always felt like I was meant to have one. I will be just as happy if this is a boy, too. But oh, how much fun would a little baby girl be. My due date is April. I have a ways to go. I think I am starting to feel a little better and pie is still my best friend. Meat is still my enemy. So much so that I am wondering if I’ll become a vegetarian after this. The thought of this made me laugh due to Dr. Jo. She is a hard core vegetarian and has been so for over 20 years. I often give her crap about this. She would fall over if I became a vegetarian. I used to love my meat, but now I think I know how she feels. I don’t my hatred with meat will last, but as of now the thought of it makes me ill. Pie. I’ll just stick with pie for now.

Your brothers have a basketball game tomorrow. They are at practice now. We are going to go to dinner when they get home. We don’t have many plans for the weekend. Most of our weekends are low key. A lot of time at home, which is still hard for me. Our house still to me feels so empty and sad, without you here. I don’t understand how even watching your daddy and brothers, watch football is normal now. As in, this is exactly what they would be doing if you were here but you are not here, so how are we doing the exact same things? The exact same things feel so wrong and are so hard for me. I wonder if this will ever get easier. I often feel like after you died, we should have just up and moved to freaking Australia or somewhere crazy. So we would be doing all different things. I know that running away would not have solved my sadness, but living in the same house, without you is hard for me. It’s comforting to your daddy and brothers so this is why I stay here. I sacrifice myself, for them. Having my own office, is going to help so much. Having my own space without your little empty bedroom 10 feet away from where I am working is going to save me. Once again, I am so grateful and humbled by the kindness of strangers.

It’s late now. We went to dinner. I ended up throwing up in the bathroom. Quinn was eating a piece of steak beside me. I couldn’t take it. I tried my best. We are home now. I’m begging your daddy to go and get me a pie from the store. Because he is the best daddy ever, he will. I’m tired. It’s been a long and busy day. I missed you tonight, when we were riding in our old jeep to the restaurant. Oh, how you loved that thing. Kind of broke my heart, to be in it, without you. Ronan, do you want to know the one question I get asked, all the time? It’s so funny. It’s the “Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes.” A lot of you, ask that in my comments. How do I even put into words, who he is? I could describe him in a thousand different ways. But the most important thing is he is someone who loved you so much, Ronan. He is someone you loved so much. You two had a bond and almost a secret language. I know he is connected to your soul and you are to his. He is doing such a good job, of watching over me for you. He is quite simply probably one of the few reasons that I am still alive. He has saved my life and for that, I have you to thank. Thank you for him. I thank you for him, every single day. Some things I like to keep private, like people’s real names. Same with our Fairy RoMo. I have to have some things I keep to myself. Those two, will always go by their nicknames.

I love you, my little seal. Ah, for those of you who have also been asking… the logo for Ronan’s Foundation is a little seal, because that is what his name means Irish and Gaelic. I love that so much. A little seal with the biggest eyes. So sweet. Goodnight baby doll. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

87 Comments
by rockstarronan on October 5, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by rockstarronan on October 5, 2012

http://rockstarronan.com/2012/10/05/bye-bye-little-sad-house-we-have-a-new-home/

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