I wish I didn’t know what it was like to only be able to kiss your face through the pictures on my iPhone. I miss you. I hate this.

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Ronan. Every year since you left when Mr. Sparkly Eyes’ birthday rolls around, I always give him a card that I’ve made for him through my iPhoto with a picture of you on it. A few nights ago I was at my office working on my book, but I needed to take a little time out so I started to go through my pictures of you to make his card. It’s never an easy thing for me to do, but I feel like it would be important to you, so I carefully pick out a picture that reminds me of how happy you were while you were here on this earth. I usually just write really some simple words and I always sign it from the both of us. Ring, ring went my phone as I was doing this little project and I saw the word “Lover” popped up on my screen which is really Macy. Of course I picked up because I always do when she calls. She started chatting away about something and as I listened, I buried my head in my hands. I went to answer the question she had asked me, but she knew from the tone in my voice that something was wrong.

“Oh babe. What’s going on?”

“Nothing. Everything. I’m sitting here trying to make Mr. Sparkly Eyes’ birthday card and is it weird that I’m putting another picture of my dead kid on it like I do every year for him? I’m going through these pictures and I cannot believe he’s not here with me to give him this birthday card himself.” Insert more sobbing here.

I listened as Macy told me that it was not weird at all and we continued to chat for another half an hour or so until I stopped crying. She ended up making me laugh after she listened to my blabbing away and crying while she did her best to talk me through what it was that I was feeling at that moment. I didn’t finish the card that night, but ended up finishing it a few days ago instead. I have learned when something just isn’t feeling right, not to force it and I knew if I forced your card, it was going to be crap. I take my card making very seriously, especially when you are involved. I got the card in the mail the other day and of course, it is perfection and I know it will make him smile as I tell him the story behind that little picture of you and your happy face.

Things here are still really busy and there is not a lot of down time between Poppy and your brothers. I am trying my best to keep my head above water and have been making sure I get some form of exercise in almost everyday. Mostly it’s been consisting of hiking up Camelback Mountain a.k.a my church as they just opened back up the hard side (Echo Canyon) again. I have so much anger inside of me still and it seems the best place to take it out on is the mountain, otherwise I will just internalize it all and end up exploding one day. Sometimes I hike by myself, but I have also been going with Tricia again which has been really great. You know, going through what we went through with you was really hard on our friendship. I made some mistakes, had a lot of expectations, felt let down and at times, was really judgmental about some situations that I had no right to be judgmental about. I never meant to hurt her as everything I said was always just coming from a place of love, but I also know that place of love was a little harsh. She being your Godmother, had a really hard time with all of this and somehow we ended up getting off track a bit. Slowly we’ve started to fix some things and the beauty of this is we know that our friendship is always going to be here; even when it’s been a little quiet at times. We’ve had some really harsh talks, some really good talks, and we’ve both apologized as we know our friendship is worth saving. She is family and at the end of the day I know where her heart is and it has always been with you and it will always remain there. I didn’t go to her wedding which you know I am sad about, but it wasn’t for any reason other than it was in Mexico and I wasn’t willing to take Poppy with me and leaving her behind was not an option, either. I did give her something blue to tuck into her bouquet though which was a tiny piece of your blanket. It was hard for me to take the scissors and actually cut off a piece, but I needed something of you and us to be there with her. I wish it could have been the two of us there together and knowing the should have been’s of her special day will forever haunt me and make me sad; but the look of happiness on her face from the pictures I saw do take away some of that sting.

So, Poppy’s first birthday is right around the corner. April 8th to be exact. I don’t know how your baby sister is almost a year already as the time went by so fast. I’ve been trying to figure out what to do for her birthday, but the fact of the matter is I’m feeling overwhelmed about it. Do we just do something quiet at home or have a full on party? I keep going back to what would Poppy want us to do? In Poppy’s perfect world, I’ll bet she would want to just have a day with just a few people and about 100 dogs. She is dog OBSESSED! I told your daddy I’m starting a campaign called, “Poppy needs a puppy,” but he’s just not having it. Anytime she sees a dog, she starts barking and gets so excited that her little body just shakes and she usually ends up waving her arms so fast that she falls over. All day long she goes around our house, walking on her hands and feet, in a dog position and sticking out her tongue and panting like a dog. We don’t even own a dog so the fact that she is doing this from the memory of the dogs that she has seen, makes it even funnier. She is such a little character and loves to entertain us all of the time with her constant babbling, dancing to her favorite song which is “Get Lucky” by Daft Punk or any type of rap music. Shorty’s got game and seems to be developing quite the spicy little personality. I’ll get her birthday figured out soon, but something tells me it’s going to end up being very low key and sweet.

I’ve got to run little man. I’ll write more soon, but I have to get back to this book business. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

If you don’t stop using my son’s pictures, I’m about to get all Jerry Springer on your ass

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As many of you are aware, there have been a few issues with boundaries being crossed in terms of Ronan’s image being used. For the most part, these were limited to young people making “edits”, copying Ronan into a photo of Poppy, things like that…and again for the most part, when we asked people to stop doing that, they did.

But there are a few people out there who are so disgusting, they want to use Ronan’s beautiful face to make money. Not money for cancer research or to help families in need. Money to line their own pockets.

Last month, we were informed a “foundation” was using Ronan’s photo on all of their pages. The photo of Ronan with his little eye battered and blackened was all over the social media pages of this entity, and with it was a plea for donations. To them, not our foundation.

They did not ask me.

They did not even TELL me.

They just stole my child and pasted his little face all over their social media sites.

We contacted them, of course. And we were given a bullshit excuse about it being the “mistake” of an intern.

So here we are not even one month later on March 7th, and whose face is at the forefront of ALL their pages yet again?

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My son.

MY son, who may be known to millions because of this blog …but who is not public property to be manipulated and used.

It turns out this “charity” is using multiple images without permission. Make no mistake, there is no “intern” making a goof or a “customer service team” correcting them. This is a person who is aware Ronan is well known and he thought he could get away with making people think we somehow endorse or support his “charity.”

Ronan is not a piece of meat. He’s not a commodity to trade in. He was a living, breathing child…whose absence is felt in a devastatingly harsh way, every single day. Seeing things like this, seeing people USE our child for personal gain…it makes me physically sick.

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I have been lied to.  I have had words put into my mouth that I have never said.  I have had people in my life try to ruin my friendships. I have dealt with over-sized egos and hidden agendas. I have had people try to use my son, his story, and all he stands for to gain something for themselves.  I have had way too many tweens claiming to be Ronan’s cousin, while crying through social media that they feel the physical pain of missing him when in fact they never even knew him.  I have had mothers straight lie to me, claiming to be a “cancer mom” just like me, when in fact they are not but that doesn’t stop them from begging me to do x,y, and z for them. I have had people claiming to be DYING from cancer which have turned out to be LIES. I have had cancer kids’ made up by other people, just hoping that I would take the bait, and a couple of times I have because who the fuck would make up something like that??? My words have been plagiarized, stolen, and used.  I have tried my best to deal with these situations quietly and to rise above them.

I AM DONE.

After the day I had today where I spent the majority of it crying my real fucking tears for the never-ending pain I feel from this life without my son, I AM MORE THAN FUCKING DONE.  All the other stuff I am capable of handling on my own.  This fucking “charity” has crossed the line.

So they want to use my baby’s image to ask for donations?

Fine. I’ll use their “baby”, too. To NOT ask for donations:

DO NOT SUPPORT THEM. WE DO NOT SUPPORT THEM AND ARE NO WAY AFFILIATED WITH THEM.

I am also asking once again, for THE CHILDREN’S HOSPITALS NATIONAL FOUNDATION to remove any pictures of Ronan, right fucking NOW.

Sincerely,

One very pissed off mother who actually works her ass off to raise real money to help real fucking kids, not to line her pockets.

Rock for Ronan. Look what a bunch of amazingly talented souls put together. Now available on iTunes.

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http://rockforronan.com

The treadmill made me do it.

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Ronan. So, this happened tonight. The usual running around like mad, Poppy is into everything, I’m trying to get something on the table for your brothers to eat before they come home. I have so much nervous energy today that I haven’t slowed down once.  I know as soon as your daddy and brothers walk through the door I will be handing over Poppy to them so I can go and work out because if I don’t, bad things will happen.  At least that is what I tell myself in my head.  I go to my little class where I find myself in a room full of people that I have no interest in talking to, half are doing weights/floor exercises and the other half are on the treadmills while we are getting instructed on what we need to be doing.  I am of course on the treadmill, happily running away while staring at myself in a mirror. My reflection looks sad but determined.

We take turns running at our base pace which for me is a 6.7 speed and 3 incline.  We are told to step it up for 90 second all outs so of course I push myself to the max.  5 incline, 8.0 speed.  I start to run as hard as I can and my heart feels like it’s going to explode out of my chest, but of course I don’t stop.  All of a sudden, I really can’t breathe or catch my breath for what feels like minutes.  Then it happens.

Is this how Ronan felt, right before he died? 

He couldn’t breathe, he ran out of air, oxygen, and probably felt just like this right before he died. 

How could you have let this happen? How could you not have saved him after you promised him that you would? You are the worst human being on the planet. You let your child die and now you just get to continue on with life while he does not? How is that at alright? You should be dead, not him. 

Fuck you. You don’t get to stop and sit here and think about how hard this is and how you want slow down and stop. You keep going because you are not the little boy who got cancer and died.  You get to be here and do this and you don’t get to stop. Ever. 

I stare up at the screen which is monitoring my heart rate and beg for it to come down because if it does not soon, I know I will pass out.  I continue with the torture of beating myself up on the treadmill while flashes of you dying and taking your last breaths fill my mind.  The person leading the class is now keeping a watchful eye on me as I think he has caught on to the fact that I might be over doing it just a tad.  An hour later and I am finished and I somehow make it to my car only to drive home to a house that doesn’t feel like home to me anymore. I head straight for the shower and try my hardest to scrub the images of you not being here out of my head, but it doesn’t work.  I then throw myself in my bed, where I cry the tears for you that I haven’t had for a few days.

Your daddy comes in, asking me what happened.  I ignore him and continue to cry into our mattress. When I finally come up for air, I snap at him that nothing has to happen, for something to be wrong. That I just want to be fucking sad for the one thing that I will be sad about for the rest of my life.  I don’t want to be hovered over.  I don’t want anyone to wipe away my tears. I just want to be left alone.

This is all I can say for tonight. I’ll let my friend, Tyler Knott say the rest.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

Typewriter Series #690 by Tyler Knott Gregson

There will come a time, a day, a moment when words are not enough.
When the letters hooking to other letters and tying themselves
to each other, the trains of vowels and consonants chasing each other
out of my mouth just won’t do justice to the avalanche that you’re
struggling through.
If this is that day, if these are those moments I will not speak,
but I have no choice but to leave you with these attempts, as futile
as they might be, for words are all I have to offer
and the only currency I believe in:

This is not, and never will be, a goodbye. You should not, and never can
hold onto the should haves or could haves or why didn’t I’s.
The time will come, I promise you, for us all to stop wearing these bodies
atop these souls.  The time of taking one long, full and deep breath
in through these lungs only to exhale it out through brand new lips.
The last light we will ever see through these perfect and beautiful eyes
will be the first light, the exact same and blindingly gorgeous first
light that filters through new irises and shocks our tiny pupils
before we blink. What a gift every single day in between has always been.
What a hauntingly painful and sublimely joyous gift to live, truly live
every single day in between these firsts and yes, these lasts.
Do not carry the weight of all you did not say, the times you did not make
the time or the excuses you made, because there is a secret you must know:
Those that leave us, never do. They see us how we never could and how we
were always so scared to. When they go, bravely stepping into the first day
of their new lives, all they pack into the bags they choose to carry,
are the memories that soothe their longing and and settle their aching bones.
It is we, always we that carries the luggage of regret and burdens of doubt
Somewhere, right this very second, they are beginning their journey back
into love. Somewhere, right this very instant, the first wobbly steps in their
search has begun again.  Somewhere, the only person that truly makes sense to
them, the only person to ever exist and exist exactly for them, is waiting. 

You will hurt.  You will cry and you will be scared. You will miss and long
and ache and look for their fingerprints on the life you’re going to lead
without them.  You will swear you heard, if only for an instant, the sound
of their laughter or the timbre of their voice.  This is ok, and more than
that, this is beautiful.  Hold onto the sadness you feel like a trophy.
Hoist it high above your head and shout to the photo that is not being taken
of you that you loved them, you will always love them and you are proud
of the tears that roll down your face. They live inside the memories that give
shape to those tears and you must never apologize for your sorrow, nor your
joy when it too returns to your days. 

These are the words for those that remain; for all of us and all of you that
are left scrambling and shaking and weeping tears of compassion and joy and
confusion.  These are words when words are not enough.  I say them because I
must say them, because words are all I have to offer besides my shoulder and
my hands and my belief that this is not and never will be goodbye.
Today is and always has been such a perfect day to say goodbye,
and to once again, say Hello.

-Tyler Knott Gregson-

 

 

 

Back in AZ with a Birthday to celebrate. Or not.

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Ronan.  We are back home and I am almost done with the whole holiday/celebrations of all things that still feel weird without you. My birthday is Saturday and I promise you I am trying to have a super good attitude about it, but I don’t really feel much like celebrating.  This does not fly with your daddy as all he wants to do is make sure my day is overly the top special.  What is the nicest way to tell him that over the top special to me would be hiding in bed all day, under the covers?  I can’t do that though.  It would break your brothers hearts so I will suck it up and do what is best for them.  I will smile when I blow out my candles and make the same wish I do, every year. The one where I just hope so much that you are alright, safe, and hope that someday, I will see you again.  I will smile for the picture that I know will be taken and I will forever wonder how in the world I can look so happy, in a picture when I feel like I am still so broken, sad and shattered.  It truly is amazing the things we as adults can do to survive such horrific pain.

Washington was all things perfect. Well, almost;) I basically go there and hibernate for the winter.  I feel like I did a lot of sleeping, which I never do well here.  Every night was the same as I would crawl into bed with Poppy and pass out until she woke me up.  Quinn and Liam have their own bedroom there, but they prefer to sleep in my room with me every night in another bed that is in the room.  It’s like a big slumber party and is one of the things in life I love so much.  Every morning when Poppy would wake up and I didn’t want to, Liam would grab her and say, “Mom, do you want me to take her downstairs and play with her so you can sleep a little longer?” Best brother ever and I happily thanked him and told him what a great big brother he was as I snuggled up to Quinn to sleep for another hour or so.  I don’t know if it’s the fresh air, cold weather, or just the comfort of being at home that knocks me out, but it always seems to do so.  I also spent a lot of time running which felt so nice.  I finally feel like I have my running mojo back and it always seems to come back when I am there.  I have a marathon to run in a couple of weeks so I made myself be pretty disciplined with my fake marathon training.  I was pretty consistent with running my standard 3.5 miles just about every night.  I somehow talked Brianna into running this thing with me.  Must be the older sister influence;) She ran with me at home and we even did 7 miles one night which was surprisingly pretty easy.  Her little 19-year-old body will be just fine.

Back in Arizona is hard for me, I’m not going to lie.  The first night we got home I felt like I was sucker punched as I walked through the door to our house without you bouncing behind me.  I handed Poppy to your daddy as he hadn’t seen her in a few days, told him I was exhausted and asked him to please take care of her so I could go to sleep.  I knew the sleep wouldn’t come as all the voices in my head were screaming so loudly.  I haven’t touched anything to sleep in over a year, but that night I needed to just pass out into oblivion for a solid 6 hours so I did.  Oh, how I sometimes miss the days of complete darkness with my old friend, Ambien when the world just quietly slip away.  I had to give up my love for that shit a long time ago due to loving it a little too much, but I think once a year is an o.k. compromise.  Sometimes I just need a night of blackness.  I had warned your daddy, so he was on Poppy duty and was happy to do so as he had missed her so much.

Speaking of Poppy, Ronan. Uhhhh…. remember when I asked you to make her “extra spicy?”  It is too late to give just a bit of that spice back???  What in the world happened to my sweet, cuddly baby girl who just cooed and started sweetly into my eyes all day long?! Now my days are filled with this very wild, strong-willed girl who reminds me of a little boy I once knew so very much.  She has turned into such a little spit fire who is on the go all the time and is constantly babbling, screaming (in a good way) and is into everything.  To say she keeps me on my toes is an understatement as I am chasing her around all day and she is only crawling. Imagine what she is going to be like once she starts to walk!  You know I am loving every second of it and so are your daddy and brothers.  She is full on obsessed with your daddy, too.  In a way that I really don’t remember any of you boys being.  If we are in a room together with her, she wants your daddy over me.  I secretly love it as it is amazing to see the bond between a father and a daughter.  It’s all so new to us all but so beyond sweet.  Your daddy is in total heaven about it.

Alright little man, this is all the update I can do for tonight.  Back to writing this book I go.  I miss you.  I love you.  I hope you are safe.

xx

For all my Arizona peeps…

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These 2 “elfs” are requesting unwrapped gifts for The Ronan Thompson Foundation Candy Cart. If you visit Garage Boutique for Kids, Nove’, or High Point this holiday season, please bring in an unwrapped toy to receive 15% off your entire purchase.  These toys will be used for Ronan’s Candy Cart when we visit Phoenix Children’s Hospital.

Thank you and happy shopping!!!

xx

 

 

 

Did I mention I’m running another marathon without training?!?! Here is my shameless plug.

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https://fundly.com/run-for-ronan

https://www.facebook.com/theronanthompsonfoundation

This time last week, we posted a thank you for sharing Ronan’s story and getting over 40,000 followers for our page. We asked if people would consider donating to our current campaign, the Rock N Roll marathon challenge. You guys came through for us, donating over $1,000.

But we still have a long way to go in order to get to $100,000. And we only have a short time in which to reach that goal.

Today we are asking for people to sponsor Maya. Yes, that zany girl is doing another marathon with NO TRAINING! She says if Ronan and these kids can go through horrific cancer treatments, she can certainly run a marathon without training. And if she can run 26.2 miles with no training (not long after giving birth, no less)…I think we should sponsor her and get her to her personal fundraising goal of $10,000!

We are not asking anyone to give who isn’t able to. We are only asking that you consider doing what you can. If you can skip a couple Starbucks and donate $10, we love you. If you’re independently wealthy and can sponsor $10,000 without blinking…we love you AND we’re a little jealous.

To sponsor Maya directly, please donate to her fundraising page:
https://fundly.com/m2/run-for-ronan

Unfortunately the minimum donation is $10 and we could not get it lowered. But if you think “only” $10 won’t do anything, please reconsider! If only 25% of our followers here gave $10, that would fund our entire $100,000 campaign. We need you to help us raise this money for desperately necessary research toward pediatric cancer. We are so thankful for all of you and we know that once again, you will come through for us.

Perks! Everyone loves perks!
Anyone sponsoring Maya will get their name on a special page on our site highlighting Maya’s sponsorship team!

A randomly chosen person who makes a sponsorship pledge for Maya today will also get a video thanks from her and a special thank you gift.

Only Eddie Vedder could drink wine on a stage and make it look badass.

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Ronan.  Do I usually have this hard of a time, every year, right before the holidays? I think so, but to know so, I’d have to go back and read my blogs from the past years.  I’ve been doing enough reading of my blogs due to this book writing and I don’t feel like going back to read about the holiday seasons and how hard they have been for me every year since you left.  Every day is hard without you, but this time of the year there seems to be a shift about me that I cannot control.  Everything feels extra heavy, hard, sad, and the slightest things take up every ounce of energy I have just to get through the day.  I have been getting through the days alright really; I suppose.  That is actually a big fat lie.  I’ve been a fucking mess, but hiding it pretty well.  I’ve learned to become the ultimate pain hider.  I have learned to be present, to smile when all I want to do is cry, to be productive when all I want to do is curl up in my bed for a week, and to throw myself into things that take a lot of work, but the work leaves me distracted.  Oh, I’ve also been taking the best care ever of your Poppy sister 24/7.

I may have lost it last week which left me doing my normal screams and crying to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes.  “I think I’m having a mid-life crisis.” “Why the fuck did this happen?” “I talked to George Clooney last night and I’m going to run off with him.” (inside joke, but I really did freaking talk to George Clooney thanks to one Fairy Bad Ass RoMo) And my all time favorite, “Where is Ronan and who is taking care of him?”  I got sat down and talked to in the harshest but kindest way.  I was told I was in fact not having a mid life crisis, that everything I am feeling is just due to losing you which I of course already knew, but it was nice to hear it from a rational person.  “Listen, I cannot even fathom what you have gone through and will go through for the rest of your life.  I hurt badly from this and I only get to feel this on a small scale compared to you.  You have to carry this around with you forever, while the ones who cared about Ronan, your family, your friends, get to go on with their lives.  You don’t.  I cannot imagine what that must feel like for you.  But you are doing such amazing things and even if you can’t see it now, you are changing the world because of him and because of your pain.” I sat, listened, and fought back my tears the entire time that I was with him.  I let his words soak in and lick my wounds for a while.  “Tell me what I can do for you. Please.” I looked down at the floor and thought for a bit.  My list came in my mind later as I named off a few things, but really just thanked him for being such a dear friend.  He said some more things to me that I won’t repeat, but left me saying, “How do you know that?  How do you know everything?  Nobody knows that.  Does Ronan talk to you and tell you these things?”  I honestly think you do, Ronan.  There is no other way to explain how that man knows the darkest parts of my soul and heart, yet he is not afraid.  You only left me with the best and for that, I will always be thankful.  I sat quietly and watched as he bounced your baby sister on his lap and kissed her up and down.  She is so lucky to have him as her Godfather, to love and look after her.  I know he will keep her safe.

I’m full fledged in the middle of writing this book.  I told your daddy if I had a month, uninterrupted, I could finish it, easily.  The problem I’m facing is I may have too much material, and too much to say.  Go figure.  I’ve been writing about your treatment, which has been hard.  Reliving the things you went through, has not been fun and it’s not what I want this book to be about, so I’ve been trying to make this section, as short as possible.  This book writing has left me not sleeping or eating well and may be part of the reason why I feel like I’m no the verge of a breakdown.  I just keep telling myself, I’ve got to just get though this part, but it’s not like I have anything to look forward to next as I will just be writing about your death.  Fucking cancer.

As far as an update goes, things here for the most part have been normal.  Your brothers are playing a slew of sports 24/7.  Basketball, Baseball, and Flag Football.  I, of course, look for you on every field and on every team.  It still blows my mind that you are never there.  I know for a fact that you would be playing all the sports that your brothers are and dominating in every way.  You were always are mini Pat Tillman who was going to rule the world.  Poppy is developing such a little personality and at 7 months, is already trying to walk.  She has been keeping me on my toes and the determination that I see in her eyes reminds me so much of you.  My days are mostly spent taking care of her while continuing to fight for you and all that was stolen from us.  I’ve been hiking like crazy, with Poppy in tow of course.  She loves it and usually just falls asleep the entire time.  It’s our peaceful time to spend with you and the small time out of my day that I try to take for myself to be with my grief/plot how I’m going to take over this fucked up world.  I went to the Pearl Jam concert a few nights ago with your daddy, Uncle Jay, and Char.  Sometimes all you need in life is a little Eddie Vedder to remind you of who you really are.  I love that man and the concert was unreal.  By far one of the best ones I’ve been to.  Eddie Vedder will forever be one of my idols in life as I appreciate so much how he just lives his life the way he wants, with no apologies.  He just is who he is.  Not to mention the fact that he is deliciously handsome, insanely talented, and I could just stop and melt right here.  It was a great night, to say the least.  Pearl Jam ended the concert with “Keep On Rocking In The Free World,” and of course I sang along as loudly as I could while I thought of you the entire time.  I miss you so much, Ro.

Time to go, little man.  It’s raining like crazy here today.  I miss you.  I love you.  I hope you are safe.

xoxo

P.S. For those of you who have been trying to order some things on our Big Cartel site, I SO apologize.  We have been dealing with some *cough cough* technical difficulties.  It is being worked on and will be re launched soon as we also have a new foundation logo to unveil.  Our seal needed a little make-over and update.  I’ll keep you posted on when things are ready.  Thanks as always for your love and support.

Thank you all for your amazing hearts and spicy souls.

 

 

 

 

 

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Because of you all, the Spicy Monkey Spirit Hood was the company’s largest launch that they have ever had. Thank you all so much for buying them and making this venture so successful. Please continue to share this video with anyone and everyone. The more people who see it, the better. I love you all so much.

xx

 

 

http://vimeo.com/78844347

Dear Laura Leigh Lund,

 

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You asked for this, my childhood best friend. You asked me to give you some motivation to run the full Rock-n-Roll Marathon in Phoenix, this January for Ronan. You, of all people. My childhood best friend who looks like a supermodel, with your long, lanky 5’10 body and 0% body fat. You, my childhood best friend who once considered the high school required one-mile run, to be a death sentence. You, my childhood bestie, who has never in her life, considered herself a runner. You say you want to run a full marathon for the first time and in turn, I say to that… you are crazy. But you know how much I love crazy, so of course this is something I can fully get behind.

You see, it takes crazy person to do something like this. A half marathon is a victory in it’s own right, but a full marathon is a whole other ball game. A full marathon requires dropping every fear you have, and believing in yourself in a way that you never have before. There will be sore aches, blisters, toenails falling off, fatigue, cursing, screaming, crying, puking, (sometimes pissing and shitting yourself-serioulsy, I’ve seen it happen) and of course, wanting to just plain quit. I guarantee in the middle of all of this, you will hate me. But then you will remember why it is that you are doing this. You are doing this because you CAN, and Ronan cannot. You are doing this because you are alive and to truly be alive, we must do things that are outside of our comfort zone, otherwise, what is the point of life? You are doing this because you are so thankful that you are alive and healthy and your beautiful kiddos are as well. You are doing this for not only Ronan, but for all the other kids with the bald heads or who are in shallow graves/pieces of ashes. You are doing this for them, because while you are doing this, thousands of kids are sitting in hospital rooms, having chemo pumped into their tiny bodies, are hooked up to awful machines which means they have to stay inside all day when all they want is to breathe in the fresh air and play outside, but they can’t because they are sick and being robbed of their childhood. They are having body parts cut open, are too weak to open their eyes, are having radiation and transplants to try to save their lives, and you are not. You are healthy, here, and living a beautiful life that you are so thankful for.  And while you are doing this, I will be right by your side, running this with you. Fuck. Did I just say that? Yeah. I just said that. I’ll run this marathon with you, even with my bad knee that is trying to tell me my running days are over. You know what I say to that knee? Fuck that knee and fuck cancer for killing my baby, too. I’m in this with you. I don’t care if I have to crawl to the finish line. I am here, I am healthy, I am alive, and I can run another marathon. I’m not letting you do this, without me.

So, you start your training and I will not. I won’t train for this because I’m training everyday of my life anyway living here without Ronan. Let’s raise a ton of money, and run this thing, together. Deal? I hope so, because I’m not doing this without you. There is no one else I would rather have by my side (besides Ronan) than you. The mom of the little girl, that my son was supposed to marry. They would have been the cutest couple, ever. The mom of the little boy, who’s big blue eyes and extra “spiciness,” remind me so much of Ro. The mom who knew my baby, loved my baby, and is still here, fighting for my baby for no other reason than because at the end of the day, you know what truly matters in life and how wrong it is that Ronan will not be waiting for us at the end of that finish line. If you are doing this, I am doing this. Laverne and Shirley until the end of time. I love you so much.

Now, it’s time to find me some corporate sponsors to do my “10 days of fake training,” again. We have some kids to save and a center to build! Hey all you little blog readers! Email us if you know of anyone that wants to sponsor me! I’ll dress up all crazy like I did last time for the peeps that throw in the most money, we’ll post the pics, and promote the awesomeness of the good deed they are doing. Or come out and run with me! Or at least cheer for me on the sidelines and glitter bomb me! Let the games begin!

RTFSocialMedia@gmail.com

Ronan. Only for you would I do this again and again and again. Anything for you. Always.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

 

 

  • Instagram is my BFF

    She had to stay up past her bedtime to wait for her sissy to get home. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #soulsisters @knjoy Watching that pretty Arizona sunset. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #poppyrooiloveyou Fuzzy besties. #poppy #ronan #poppyandmama #fucancer #love For the past two weeks all Poppy has been doing is carrying around Ronan's picture, kissing it, saying "Ro Ro" and trying to open the frame up because I think she thinks if she does, he will come out and play with her. It's heartbreaking and so very sweet. I'm amazed that one of her first words was Ro Ro and that she walks around saying it all day long as if he is her very best friend. #poppy #ronan #fucancer Sorry to wake you sister, but we have to get your brothers from school. #poppy #ronan #sleepysister #fucancer Hoopster. #ronan #fucancer #littleman #basketballballer #futurenbaplayer @quinnthompson24 Air. #ronan #fucancer #q-dub #littleman #basketballballer Truth. #ronan #fucancer #stopcomplainingaboutstupidshit #begrateful #insomnia Mother Nature, you are pretty rad. #ronan #fucancer #camelbackmountain #echocanyon #nosociopathsallowed Sundays. #ronan #fucancer #camelbackmountain #echocanyon Sleepy bunny. #poppy#ronan #fucancer #babybunny Weekend ballers. #ronan #fucancer #littleballers
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