Ronan. I’m in route back to Phoenix. I spent the afternoon with Dr. Sholler. I came here for a very specific reason. I am leaving here with the answers I wanted. I am leaving here with clearer vision of my plan. I am leaving here feeling strong, motivated, and ready to kick some ass. I have no doubt everything that I am going to do, is going to get done. I know what I am doing is a very big job. But there is no job too big when it comes to saving the lives of these kids who are fighting this awful disease. It’s the freaking least I can do. They are the one’s doing the really, really hard work. The least I can do is make it easier for them and a little less scary. The least I can do is give back to this world that I love so much now. The only world that I seem to flourish in and love. I don’t belong in any other world anymore. This is my world. I’m not running away and going back to the pretend world that I know I could have if I wanted it. The one full of pretend dinners, pretend problems, pretend complaints. Everything in life is fixable when you have your health and everyone in your family is alive and well. I don’t live in that kind of world anymore. I cannot go back to it and abandon all of this. That would kill me. This I know. This life without you is hard, Ronan. But I can live in it by trying to fix all I the problems that I see. I can live in by trying to help others going through this. I can live in it by pouring everything I have left of myself into it so I can live a new life now. This is the life I want. This is the life that I will fight for. I will make this world better for others going through it. I have people say to me all the time, “Isn’t it hard for you to be around this?” “Isn’t it hard for you to be at the hospital?” “It must be hard for you to still be a part of this world.” I usually just reply that it is not hard. That is the only world I feel like I belong in. I don’t know how to explain it. I must be crazy, right?? Maybe. But crazy feels good to me.
All posts tagged Grand Rapids
Posted by rockstarronan on June 30, 2012
Ronan. Cancer doesn’t rest so why should I? I know I just got home from California, but I am off again. I’m on a flight as we speak. I’ve had this trip planned for a while now, but I just haven’t brought it up. I’m in route to Grand Rapids, Michigan to visit Dr. Sholler. I have some things I need to talk to her about. Some things that the wheels in my head, won’t stop spinning about. I told you I’m not in this to sit back and do nothing. I am in this to do big things and I have some really big ideas. I will share them when the time is right, but as for now I need to keep them to myself. Until I have this master plan of mine, all mapped out to a tee. I’ve been working non-stop on this plan of mine which is actually really all of yours. Everything I do is for you, fueled by you, and motivated by you. I don’t want any of the credit for this is not my plan, it is yours. I truly believe this. This is just the way this has to be. Go big or go fucking home, right? Without a doubt.
Posted by rockstarronan on June 27, 2012