Taylor, you will forever have my heart. Thank you for continuing to be such a voice for these kids. I love you.

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http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/24/taylor-swift-visits-cancer-patients_n_5021039.html

Back in AZ with a Birthday to celebrate. Or not.

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Ronan.  We are back home and I am almost done with the whole holiday/celebrations of all things that still feel weird without you. My birthday is Saturday and I promise you I am trying to have a super good attitude about it, but I don’t really feel much like celebrating.  This does not fly with your daddy as all he wants to do is make sure my day is overly the top special.  What is the nicest way to tell him that over the top special to me would be hiding in bed all day, under the covers?  I can’t do that though.  It would break your brothers hearts so I will suck it up and do what is best for them.  I will smile when I blow out my candles and make the same wish I do, every year. The one where I just hope so much that you are alright, safe, and hope that someday, I will see you again.  I will smile for the picture that I know will be taken and I will forever wonder how in the world I can look so happy, in a picture when I feel like I am still so broken, sad and shattered.  It truly is amazing the things we as adults can do to survive such horrific pain.

Washington was all things perfect. Well, almost;) I basically go there and hibernate for the winter.  I feel like I did a lot of sleeping, which I never do well here.  Every night was the same as I would crawl into bed with Poppy and pass out until she woke me up.  Quinn and Liam have their own bedroom there, but they prefer to sleep in my room with me every night in another bed that is in the room.  It’s like a big slumber party and is one of the things in life I love so much.  Every morning when Poppy would wake up and I didn’t want to, Liam would grab her and say, “Mom, do you want me to take her downstairs and play with her so you can sleep a little longer?” Best brother ever and I happily thanked him and told him what a great big brother he was as I snuggled up to Quinn to sleep for another hour or so.  I don’t know if it’s the fresh air, cold weather, or just the comfort of being at home that knocks me out, but it always seems to do so.  I also spent a lot of time running which felt so nice.  I finally feel like I have my running mojo back and it always seems to come back when I am there.  I have a marathon to run in a couple of weeks so I made myself be pretty disciplined with my fake marathon training.  I was pretty consistent with running my standard 3.5 miles just about every night.  I somehow talked Brianna into running this thing with me.  Must be the older sister influence;) She ran with me at home and we even did 7 miles one night which was surprisingly pretty easy.  Her little 19-year-old body will be just fine.

Back in Arizona is hard for me, I’m not going to lie.  The first night we got home I felt like I was sucker punched as I walked through the door to our house without you bouncing behind me.  I handed Poppy to your daddy as he hadn’t seen her in a few days, told him I was exhausted and asked him to please take care of her so I could go to sleep.  I knew the sleep wouldn’t come as all the voices in my head were screaming so loudly.  I haven’t touched anything to sleep in over a year, but that night I needed to just pass out into oblivion for a solid 6 hours so I did.  Oh, how I sometimes miss the days of complete darkness with my old friend, Ambien when the world just quietly slip away.  I had to give up my love for that shit a long time ago due to loving it a little too much, but I think once a year is an o.k. compromise.  Sometimes I just need a night of blackness.  I had warned your daddy, so he was on Poppy duty and was happy to do so as he had missed her so much.

Speaking of Poppy, Ronan. Uhhhh…. remember when I asked you to make her “extra spicy?”  It is too late to give just a bit of that spice back???  What in the world happened to my sweet, cuddly baby girl who just cooed and started sweetly into my eyes all day long?! Now my days are filled with this very wild, strong-willed girl who reminds me of a little boy I once knew so very much.  She has turned into such a little spit fire who is on the go all the time and is constantly babbling, screaming (in a good way) and is into everything.  To say she keeps me on my toes is an understatement as I am chasing her around all day and she is only crawling. Imagine what she is going to be like once she starts to walk!  You know I am loving every second of it and so are your daddy and brothers.  She is full on obsessed with your daddy, too.  In a way that I really don’t remember any of you boys being.  If we are in a room together with her, she wants your daddy over me.  I secretly love it as it is amazing to see the bond between a father and a daughter.  It’s all so new to us all but so beyond sweet.  Your daddy is in total heaven about it.

Alright little man, this is all the update I can do for tonight.  Back to writing this book I go.  I miss you.  I love you.  I hope you are safe.

xx

Sometimes I have a really hard day and then I come home to see something like this…

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2EwOwvCRaI&feature=youtu.be

 

And I can’t stop smiling and crying because of all the beautiful souls out there who have come my way because of you, Ronan.

This was one of the songs we used to always sing to Ronan. It is so special to our entire family. Holly, you are amazingly talented and DARLING. Thank you for making my night.

xx

All good things are wild and free. Especially in Washington.

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Ronan. We went on our first kind of real vacation without you, since you died. A real vacation meaning a vacation that we had talked about going on while you were alive, but never did so. A vacation that I grew up going on during my summer breaks from school. The one that I always dreamed of taking my 3 boys on, when they were old enough. We always put it off because “Ronan is too young and I’m scared that he won’t listen to me and will die by jumping off the side of the yacht. We can take him when he’s 4 or 5, but not now.” Not now sucks balls and I should have, would have could have because guess what?!  I got to have you die not from having the time of your life by jumping off the side of our boat but from cancer instead. Lucky me, lucky you. This will always be one of my biggest regrets in life, the not taking you on this trip because you were too wild and crazy. We would have had the best wild and crazy time together, Ronan and I will always be sorry about this.

 
So, to the San Juan Islands in Washington we went. With your Nana, Papa Jim, my step-sister, her husband, their daughter, your daddy, brothers and Poppy girl. Your Papa Jim has been so excited for this vacation and has been talking about taking you all on it for years. It was definitely one of his dreams to do so during his life. Before he gets too old and can no longer navigate and drive the boat. We just spent the most beautiful week all together in the open seas, going from harbor to harbor. We made our way all around the islands and even up to Canada. The weather cooperated perfectly for me as most of the days were cool and a little dark and rainy. It was almost the perfect vacation. You were the only thing missing from the perfection of it all. Your brothers had a blast doing all the nature/ocean things that we don’t really get to do living in Arizona. We caught our own crabs for dinners, played in the fresh, cool air, Quinn drove the little dingy about in the ocean and laughed as he went faster and faster with your Papa Jim right by his side. There were card games, stories galore, catching and releasing sea creatures, beautiful family time. It was a vacation that you would have went crazy for. I tried to handle it all as gracefully as I could and I didn’t even feel the urge to throw myself off of the boat and into the choppy ocean seas. Poppy was a dream and barely made a peep except when she decided to grace us all with her coos and smiles. This vacation meant so much to all of us, but most of all to your Papa Jim and I’m so glad we got to do this with him. There are not too many 70-year-old Papas that can drive a huge boat through the middle of the islands and not blink an eye. It is something I know your brothers will remember forever and that means so much to me. Our vacation is over but we will spent the rest of the summer at your Nana and Papa’s house while your daddy goes back and forth between here and Arizona. Our first real trip without you is over and I am sad, but only because it was a trip that we never got to take you on. That just goes to show, you should never put things off because you never know how short one’s life really will be. . I’ll never be able to take you on a trip that you should have went on and the only reason I got through that trip was because of your sister. Because every time I got sad I just looked down at her and told myself that a part of you was there, with us. I didn’t really let your Poppy sister out of my sight and there is a good reason behind all of that. I don’t think I could have done that trip, without her much like I don’t think I would be able to do this life if it weren’t for her. She has brought back little pieces of you everywhere.
 
Tomorrow, Macy is flying in to spend some time with us while your Daddy leaves. Everyone, including your Nana and Papa are excited about that. My friend, Robyn, Ezra’s mom, is coming down to stay for a day as well as she is visiting her family up in the Seattle area. I’m so lucky to have the kind of parent’s who are so happy to welcome all of my friends into their lives and their house, like they are part of our family. They never act inconvenienced or put out and they always welcome my friends with open arms. I am so lucky in that regard. I know I will do the same for my boys and your sister when the time comes. I am so lucky to have the friends that I do. Especially that Macy of yours that will drop everything at the drop of a hat to swoop in and come to Washington just because I ask her to. I’m sure your Poppy sister had a little something to do with that as Macy can’t take going too long without seeing her. It will be so wonderful to have her here.
 
Ronan. I started this a few nights ago. I’m sorry I haven’t written. Macy is here and has been for a few days. It is because of this that I know for the time being, I will be o.k. She makes everything better. Tomorrow, we are meeting Paxton’s mama who flew in to spent the year anniversary of her baby boys death with me. I know I don’t know her, but I am going to try my hardest to help her through tomorrow. She took a chance on me and I am going to do my best even though most of the time, I have not a clue as to what I am doing. All I know is you would want me to help her. Isn’t that what I am left her for? To help others when I can? I’m sick about tomorrow and for what’s to come. I spoke to her tonight and told her I don’t know how, but we will get her through tomorrow. Please help us with this little man. Let Paxton’s mommy feel him all around us. We’ll need it so much to get her through the hell of a day that it’s going to be. I love you, Ronan.
 
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
 
xoxo
 
P.S. Fuck you cancer. You are still the biggest asshole I know. I am so sad and mad and heartbroken for tomorrow, the day that took Paxton away from his family. A sweet, innocent baby. Nobody can ever justify or make sense of ANY OF THIS. Ever.

2 years makes me want to rip my hair out while screaming for you like the wild animal that I am

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Ronan. I’ve started to write a few times, but I’ve erased everything over and over again. I don’t know how to put into words what this day feels like; almost 2 years without you. Your Poppy sister has been a great distraction. So much so that I find myself missing my grief and my pain. So much so that I feel like I am betraying you by not feeling the intensity of my grief as much as I used to because your Poppy sister makes me feel that peaceful. I knew the 9th was coming, but it’s like I’ve had my head buried in the sand because I’ve been trying my best to hide from it. There is no hiding from this day. It will come no matter how much I beg and I plead for it not to. Everybody that knows us, knows what this day brings and those who have forgotten, well what can I say?? Life goes on for them, right? Of course it does. Or as the French say, “C’est la via. Those closest to our hearts are here with us on the day of hell in one way or another. Those closet to our hearts, know how hard this day is for us and are kind enough to acknowledge it. It means so much to me that they do. And those beautiful strangers, Ro. Wow. Oh so beautiful indeed. You would not believe the outpouring amounts of cards, emails, tweets, texts, Facebook messages, etc… that I am receiving. With each and every single one, the tears fall down my face. Love and tears, love and tears, so much love and tears, Ronan. So many beautiful souls are being guided and changed, all for the better. All because of you, the most beautiful little boy to ever walk the planet. Bittersweet beauty I call it. So very bittersweet which you know is the theme of this life I’m now left behind in.

Yesterday was when it really hit me that your 2 year death day was approaching. I went to see your Sparkly before we left town. We sat and I think I looked like a deer in headlights for much of our time together. So much so that at one point I had forgotten for a split second that it was the month of May as I refered to something that was supposed to be happening, to happening in April.

“Sweetheart, it’s May. If that was supposed to happen in April, you need to check up on that,” he said to me while my eyes filled with tears.

Even though I knew it was May, for a split second it slipped my mind because that’s how much I did not want this month, to happen. Seems silly right? I mean, no matter what month it is, you are dead. Nothing can change that or bring you back, even if we could fast forward through this month entirely.

I just looked at the floor. I then looked back up at him.

“2 years, 2 years, 2 years. How can that be already?”

He gave me some smart ass answer to try to make me laugh. I kicked his foot in protest and when he saw that his little wise crack was not going to work, he went into something more serious. Something about my pain and how my pain is never going to go away, but look at all the good I am choosing to do with this pain. How I could have done nothing or even worse, I could have let this pain ruin my life, but I chose the opposite. It was the best pep talk he could give me 2 days before your Deathiversary. We sat a little longer and stared at your sister while catching up on other life things. Right before I left he looked at me and said, “He is o.k. I promise you that.”
I said to him, “How do you know?” “You just have to trust me. I know,” he said. I did what I always do which is made him promise me again. He did. I know he believes this. I believe him, but it still does not take away any of my worry over you. I will forever worry about you, Ronan. I worry about you so much and I don’t think that will ever go away. I am your mother. I will worry about you for the rest of my life even though you are not here on this earth. It’s part of what makes me forever your mom.

We left town. Had to leave town as being in Phoenix tomorrow on the day you died is not anywhere I ever want to be on this horrific day. My idea of putting us all on a plane to Ireland didn’t happen due to not wanting to compromise your Poppy’s sisters non-existent immune system. We drove up to Sedona instead. We spent some time with Dr. JoRo. She bought you a “We miss Ronan,” cake. Please tell me what other therapist in the world would have done something as thoughtful as that, Ronan? I’ll bet you a big fat NO OTHER THERAPIST IN THE WORLD. She is truly amazing and I will forever tell you thank you for her. The world needs 10,000 more of her on the planet. We will spend tomorrow together as a family missing you so much. I will try my best not to reenact the end scene from, “Thelma and Louise,” where they drive off a cliff together. I think your Poppy sister is too young to be my sidekick for that adventure. We will go and throw some rocks over a cliff instead or do something a little more safe but totally dangerous too in a PG-13 kind of way. Please just help me get through the day, o.k.?

This is all I can write tonight. Did I even make sense? I haven’t slept much so sorry if my thoughts are not flowing very well. This was the best I could do tonight through a heavy heart and blood-shot eyes. I miss you so much.

G’nite baby doll. 3:25 a.m. when you took your last breaths will be here soon enough. I’ll be up of course, screaming and crying for you as silently as possible as not to wake up your daddy, brothers or sister. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

P.S. I’ve also decided that tomorrow is National F U Cancer Day. It will never be the day you flew off to go be an angel or went home to where you belong. Fuck that shit. You belong here with me and anybody that says otherwise is a douchebag idiot. Tomorrow is an asshole of a day, thanks to that bigger asshole named cancer so there it is, May 9th National F U Cancer Day. Thanks for killing the love of my life and so many other innocent victims. I will be giving you my best middle finger tomorrow painted extra purple and sparkly just for you, Ro.

As your Mr. Sparky Eyes would say, FUC. I couldn’t agree more.

 

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I was never going to be ready for today.

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Ronan. I was not prepared for today. I was not ready for today. But today happened anyway. It started off pretty normal. A normal check up at Dr. Schwartz’s office. I didn’t even have to see her, I just had to sit in a chair for a good 45 minutes so Poppy’s heartbeat and movements could be monitored. Just routine stuff that I’m having to do, twice a week now. It’s always quiet in this room and it’s easy for me to relax and get lost in my thoughts. Today, I thought alright. Of course about you. I was sitting there listening to your sister’s heart beat and she seemed to be moving non stop the entire time. I know she doesn’t have much room and there, but she doesn’t seem to care. Her movements are strong and never seem to stop. I had a flashback to that time I was at Sloan with you. We were back in a room and they had you hooked up to a machine  where we had to listen and track your heart for a couple of hours. I remember being up on the bed with you, holding you and trying to keep you entertained. You soon fell asleep in my arms. The next thing I knew, I was laying there with you but I was silently crying. I remember I was so overcome with emotion over sitting there listening to your little heartbeat. It was the most beautiful sound I had ever heard and I knew how lucky I was that it was still beating. We didn’t know at this time that your cancer was spreading, but I was just so grateful for your little beating heart. I hated that you were strapped up to a monitor when you should have been just out and about playing like a normal, healthy 3-year-old but I found the beauty in our day, anyway. I’ll never forget that day with you. It sticks out in my mind all the time. Today, listening to your Poppy sister I was taken right back to that day and the tears seemed endless.

I got out of my doctor’s appointment after a couple of hours. They were way behind today and I came home for a sight that I was not ready for. Your daddy and I have talked for a couple of weeks about taking the furniture out of your room to have it refinished to the color that will match Poppy’s crib. I came home to your daddy who had informed me that the people refinishing your things, would be at our house to pick everything up in a few hours. This meant drawers had to be emptied, toys dumped out, clothes moved, stuffed animals pulled out from the storage area under you bed, etc…Your daddy asked if I could empty out your dresser. I started crying and simply just told him, “No.” He did it. He did most of it. By the time the people got to our house your little room had been completely torn apart and I could do nothing but sit on the couch and cry. The lady working with us could not have been sweeter as your daddy had explained our situation to her on the phone so she understood what was going on. She told me how she had some bad luck, too as she lost one of her sons at 17 and also one as an infant. I could hardly get two words out as I was trying my hardest to somewhat control my sobbing. Your daddy was the one who told her he was sorry and did the rest of the talking as I just sat there in a cry fest trance. Your little room that I’m pretty sure I had made up in my mind, would never be touched, has totally been taken apart. I know we are going to put your things back but it still does not make any of this easier.

I sat in your room for a long time today. On one of your mattresses. I sat on the phone and cried to the couple of people I talked to. Thanks, Meg and Stace. I told them both how I was staring at your side of the empty room where your bed once was but now the only thing left there were a few of your Star Wars guys that had clearly fallen off of your bed because you would always insist of sleeping with 50 of them. I texted with Fernanda a bit. She is going to come over tomorrow to help me figure out how we are going to put your room back together while making it Poppy friendly, too. I am lucky to have such good friends who are truly there for me at all times. I am so lucky in that regard and so thankful.

The past couple of days, my emotions have been building up. It was your Sparky’s birthday. I remember his birthday from a couple of years ago when we were in New York. You made me take an extra special picture of you to send to him just for his day. It’s one of my favorite pictures of you, even though your body was all marked up with a Sharpie Pen from your radiation and your little arm was hurting so badly that they tried to make you wear it in a sling which you of course refused to do. The smile on your face was priceless and your eyes were so bright and beautiful as I was taking this picture. They were shining like diamonds. You were so excited to take this picture and send it to him. We called to tell him, “Happy Birthday!!” and I remember you saying this in your squeaky little voice that was full of so much love and happiness. As always, I did my best to try not to be sad on his birthday but I wished more than anything that it was you sitting by my side as I watched your Sparkly open up our gift and two cards. One card from me and one from the both of us. I of course signed your name on the card I picked out from you, to him. You would have liked it and called the card, “cute.” I sat and watched your Sparkly read our words and open our gift. I watched as he chuckled at something while the corners of his eyes got wet. It’s a sight I’m so used to seeing with him. That bittersweet happiness that I know all too well.  I did my best on his day, for you but it was still hard to hold it together without you by my side. I know your Poppy sister will help with things like this when she makes her little entrance into the world. Maybe days like this will become easier and help with the sadness because the happiness I know she is going to make others feel is going to be infectious. Next year it will be nice to have her by my side on days like your Sparkly’s birthday.

I spent much of the day and evening crying. Today was a hard day to get through. I literally went to bed telling myself, “You made it through today and you didn’t die. The pain didn’t kill you.” I’m always so amazed that it doesn’t. The sick joke is I know what I’m waking up to tomorrow and how none of this ever goes away. I don’t get to escape this. I still have to wake up to your totally disassembled bedroom that I said I would never touch. I was never going to be ready for today. You can never be ready for something like this.

I’m tired but restless. Of course, I’m not sleeping well. It’s because of my not sleeping well at night that I’ve noticed that we have this fucking bird outside of our bedroom that seriously sings all day and all night long. I don’t understand this as it’s only something that has started a couple of months ago. What kind of bird, sings all night long? It’s annoying to me and I don’t feel like hearing it’s song. Tweety bird, tweety bird please shut up. Between that and your empty room I’m surprised I’m not outside stalking this bird with my BB gun. That is totally a very Maya Danger thing that would have happened last year when I was in my Danger Baby phase. I’ve been stalking this bird to try to find out where it is hiding but I’ve only been stalking from it from the inside of our house. My body is too tired to truly investigate. Stupid bird.

Time to go, little man. It’s late and I need to try to get a little sleep before I have to start today all over again, tomorrow.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

P.S. Thank you, Taylor for what you did tonight. You are such a light that keeps me going even on my hardest of days. I know Ronan is so proud of you for all you are doing. So am I. I love you.

 

Your Happy Birthday Sparkly smile. I love you.

Your Happy Birthday Sparkly smile. I love you.

Current Obsession? This song. Which is from my other current obsession, the HBO show, GIRLS.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxxajLWwzqY

“Mom…how did that baby get in your belly?”

Ronan. Hi. I love you.

I’ve still been really tired, but really busy. I’ve tried to take it easy. I had dinner last night with Tricia and Marisa. My two oldest friends from my oldest most perfect life that no longer exist. It has been hard to be around them since going through all of this. Hard because I know they loved you in a way that a lot of people didn’t just because of the fact that they knew you so well. It’s hard to see that raw pain in their eyes that looks a lot like my own. They both know about this baby. Marisa was one of the first people I called to tell. She is my go to gal on all things related to pregnancy. She was ecstatic over the phone, but it was even better to see her in person. She gave me a long hard hug with tears in her eyes. She gave me the listen here talk which consisted of things like, “Now, I’m here to tell you, we need to be a part of this baby. You can’t push us away anymore. I am here to say, I will stalk you at your doctor appointments, your house, the hospital…. you have to let us be a part of this. We all need this. This is such a good, positive thing for all of us. Our friendship needs this. We are not going anywhere. We are taking over.” I giggled, got teary eyed and quietly listened to my friend do what she does best which is be a jewish mother hen/best friend. I told her I knew. That of course I would let them be a part of this. I miss them so much. I told Marisa I know she has stepped back and given me my space, but I never thought she went away. Believe me. I know what it feels like to have people go away, Ro. A lot of people that used to be in my life, have. I don’t know if it’s due to the uncomfortableness  of this. Due to not knowing what to do/say/or how to act. Due to me pushing. Or a combo of all things. It doesn’t really matter. All that matters is I know who is here for the long haul. The good the bad and the worst. I’ve always known our Little M was in this for everything, no matter what. I have missed my friend so much. It was a 3 hour dinner that was very much needed. I could have stayed tucked in our little table all night long with the two of them. It was a really, really good dinner. They talk about you so much, too. They are not afraid to speak your name. I so need that. I means everything to me.

Your Liam asked me today how a baby got inside my stomach. Ummm…… this was is not a story I am ready to explain to my 9-year-old. I just reacted with the first thing that came to my mind which was, “A stork.” Liam looked at me and goes, “What’s that?” Crap. Kids don’t know about storks these days. I said, “It’s a bird that leaves a baby on the porch of the house.” Liam rolled his eyes at me and goes, “That’s not true.” “You’re right, that’s not true,” I said. I then responded with, “I asked Ronan for a baby. I told him I thought it would be really nice for all of us if we could have a baby in our family.” Shit. I hope this works I thought to myself in my head. Liam just looked at me and goes, “O.k. That was really nice of him to do.” YES! I smiled at your brother. I couldn’t believe that answer worked. Saved by your Romazingness once again.

Holy hell. I am so glad this secret is out. I have hated keeping this in. It’s a breath of fresh air to be able to talk about things on here! I was so nervous to post for some reason. You all are the SWEETEST. Your kind words have truly made my night. Thanks for all the support and love, with everything. I can’t believe I have not gotten any nasty comments yet. That NEVER happens! It’s nice to know that the kind-hearted people out weigh the mean/sad people by far. You all are truly the best. Oh, and thank you to the man that came up to me today at Chelsea’s Kitchen. He was someone I didn’t know, but said he recognized me and wanted to tell me how this blog has changed his life and made him such a better dad. I never get dad’s that come up to me! It’s always moms. It meant so much to me and truly made my day. Thank you Chelsea’s Kitchens stranger:)

That was yesterday, Ro baby. Today, is here and I am beat. I woke up today, so tired. I didn’t sleep well last night. Too many things swirling through my head. I had another golf lesson today. My giant boobs are becoming a handicap and interfering with my game. Just when I was getting really good…. my professional golfing dreams might have to be put on hold. My sweet instructor tried to convince me otherwise though. We talked a lot about you today and this new baby. She said she was sick to learn of all I had been through. I told her I knew, that everybody was sick over the loss of you. My lesson was great but my energy was zapped after I left there. This baby does not like the heat. I came home to try to rest. My phone kept buzzing with text messages and emails. I had too much to do to slow down for the afternoon so I sucked it up and got a lot of things done. I was on my way over to see Katie when I pulled over to stop at A.J.’s to get us some drinks. I got a text message from Robyn, Ezra’s mom who has now become someone that I treasure so much, that knowing she is in pain, the same way that I am, destroys me. Ezra’s fourth birthday is this Friday. She should be planning it not thinking about what she is going to do, on his birthday to survive the day. She should be playing with her twin 2 and a half years olds, not just one of them. We both decided that life should not go on after this. I told her this life is a death sentence, where we are forced to stay alive. I went to go into the store, reached for my wallet and pulled out a bag of your ashes instead. This caused me to go into complete hysteria and have a total breakdown in my car where I couldn’t breathe or stop screaming and crying through my tears. I forced myself to go into A.J.s. I didn’t have my sunglasses to hide my blood-shot eyes but I didn’t care. Iced Tea’s or bust. I made it out alive, but I went in armed with my FUCK YOU stamp that my friend from Australia, Ali, sent me. I was going to stamp it on anybody that got the way of a grieving mom who should have been carrying a 5 year-old on her hip, not his ashes in her purse.

I spent the rest of the day with Katie and a got a surprise visit from Mandy Bee who just happened to stop by The Garage while I was there. We caught up and made some plans for a little event we are doing on September 20th. I’ll talk about that later as I am wiped out tonight from this day. G’nite baby doll. Sweet dreams. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Have a good party with Ezra on Friday. I know you two will do something extra spicy. I miss you so much.

xoxo

Your song for the night. Because Quinn told me so.

 

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpaPBCBjSVc

Of course your Nana didn’t leave your name off of the treehouse.

Ronan. I have to live the rest of my life without the touch of your little hand, without hearing your sweet giggles, without getting lost in your piercing blue eyes. Somedays this makes me extremely sad. Somedays this makes me super bitter. Today, I found myself not crying, but looking at all the people around me and going why do you get to live and he doesn’t? He would have been such a good person. He would have made this world so much more beautiful. Who lives and who dies and who decides??? And why??? I’ll never have the answers to these questions. These thoughts fill my head at the most random moments. Today it was while walking through the local Walmart to pick up some water. I was thinking these thoughts then I get the other little voice in my head that says, “You are a bad person for thinking that your son deserved to live, yet this jack off who is yelling at his 8 kids, should die.” I quickly tell that little voice to fuck off, because I am just being honest and any mother would feel this way. If I can’t be honest in my head, than I can’t be honest anywhere. Thoughts like this leave me feeling restless and I often feel trapped in my own head or like a hamster that is running around on that freaking spinning wheel, going nowhere and never knowing when to stop. Love that never-ending cycle of grief/shame/resentment/guilt/sadness that I cannot seem to escape.

Today, I tried to get lost in the world of your brothers. I think I faked it really well. I played baseball with them for a few hours today. I pretended not to be looking for you everywhere, waiting to see you up next to bat. I took them to lunch. We went to see the new, “Ice Age,” move which you know destroyed me. That was one of your favorites. You loved that Scrat character so much. After the movie, we came home and played more baseball. I headed out to meet our Bri Bri for a quick run around the lake. It felt good to get out there and run. I haven’t been running much in AZ due to not being motivated to do so in the brutal heat. I’d rather hike instead. I’ve been saving my running for this Washington trip. It’s one of my favorite places to run from everything in my head that I cannot seem to escape. I didn’t escape anything today, but I got to spend a little time with my sissy which is always a treat. I miss her. I know you do, too.

I heard another story today about a maybe cancer faker in this very real and sad cancer world that I know all too well. I cannot even get upset about it tonight because anybody that would do such a thing… well, they are trapped in a hell of their own that I cannot even fathom. My normal self would be swearing up and down in my head, my blood would be boiling… but I don’t even have words tonight for somebody that would do such a thing. I am in a peaceful place and for once, I refuse to give into to the evil of the world around me and let it ruin the quietness that I am feeling tonight. Tonight, I don’t feel spicy or angry or like swearing like a truck driver. I am calm, tired, and listening to your brothers sleeping soundly is giving me comfort that I need to listen to for once.

I don’t have a lot to say tonight. I left my Ambien back in Phoenix. I don’t miss it. I slept well last night as I always seems to do here. The fresh air is good for me. I had a moment of panic yesterday when I went down to your treehouse with your brothers. Someone (I think your Nana) had painted little individual signs with all of your names on them to attach to the front of the treehouse wall. The door to the tree house was open as I was examining the names that hung above. My stomach dropped and I yelled to your brothers, “Why isn’t Ronan’s name up there?!” I almost started to cry. Liam yelled down to me, “It is mom. It’s on the front of the door, see.” There it was. In purple of course. I felt bad. Of course your Nana would not leave your name off of the tree house. Of course your Nana would not, not include you, just because you are not here. This is the same Nana, that had presents wrapped and underneath the Christmas Tree for you this year. She would NEVER leave you out just because you are not here. I cannot believe even for a second, that I thought she would. She includes you in everything that she does, every single day. She would never sweep you under the rug and pretend that you didn’t exist. She would never take you out of the equation. All she has to do is look at me and I know she is thinking about you. It’s painful to see but I am so thankful to know.

I have a lot more to tell you tonight all of a sudden. But I am too tired to continue on. It’s late little bug. I’m going to cuddle up to your brothers now. They both refuse to sleep in their room here and are tucked away in bed, with me. I don’t mind; I only wish you were crammed in between us. I love you. I miss you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, Ro baby.

xoxo

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    Happiness is playing in the forest in a tutu. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #washingtonsummer #tutusandmud #babydoll #theadventuresofpoppy #mybabe #luckymama This is life. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #getbusylivingorgetbusydying #washingtonsummer #gooutside #mybabe #illkeepyousafeyoukeepmewild #missyouro This little human has saved my heart. It will never be whole again, but she has put back pieces that I thought were forever gone. So thankful for you, Poppy Roo. And Liam and Quinn, too. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #washingtonsummer #allgoodthingsarewildandfree #missmyboys #missyouro #summeroflove
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