May, May go away. Do not come again another day.


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Ronan.  May is officially here and I’m trying my best not to go into freak out mode.  You know what is coming up and it never gets easier.  May 9th will be 3 years without you and May 12th will be your 7th birthday.  Not to mention Mother’s Day, the day we had your funeral, the day you were cremated, which also happens to be on your birthday.  It’s all these fucked up dates that I wish didn’t exist, but they do and there is no escaping them.  I will come up with some sort of plan to get through the days like I always do and luckily I know we will be with some of my most favorite people, so hopefully that will help ease the pain just a bit, but every part of me remembers the pain of these dates.

I don’t even know what has happened since the last time I have written.  My days are filled with all things Poppy and that is about it.  I have really taken a step back from everything in life because for the past year, I just really needed to get lost in her and that is exactly what I have been doing.  She deserved that, Ronan and frankly, so did I.  I needed to just take this time and soak up all of her innocence, sweetness, and truly get to know my baby girl.  Poppy doesn’t have a lovie or a blanket that she is attached to when she sleeps like you did because you know what she uses instead? Me. I have not put her in her crib once to sleep, not even for a nap.  I rock her, lay her down in bed with me and listen to her as she hums and plays with the necklace that sweet Mrs. Martin gave to me when Poppy was born. It’s just the letter, “P” and she falls asleep every day and every night by holding on to me and my necklace.  That is how attached we have become and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I cannot imagine doing this life without you AND without her.  I don’t know what I would have done had we had not had another baby.  She brings about me a calmness that has been missing for so long.

It did happen the other day though.  The thing I knew was going to happen sooner or later; I am just surprised it happened while she is so young.  It was about a week after her first birthday and I was laying her down to change her on your bed.  We have that huge picture of you hanging over your bed and as I was putting a new diaper on her she looked over at your picture, pointed and goes “Ro Ro.”

I almost fell over.  I truly thought I was hearing things so I said, “What did you say?” She looked at me, pointed to the picture and goes, “Ro Ro. Brotha. Brotha Ro Ro Ro.” She motioned for me to pick her up and take her over to your picture so I did and she planted a big fat kiss on your little lips.  The tears started pouring down my cheeks and I had such a mixed reaction of total euphoria and wanting to run kicking and screaming out of our house.  It took me a few minutes to decide what it is that I was going to do.  Was I going to run away or just take a deep breath and embrace this moment of pure fucking amazingness that can only be explained as Poppy knows things that are not from this world?  She can’t even say Liam or Quinn’s name yet and the fact that she not only said your name, but knows who you are from a picture makes my heart go a million miles a minute.  As soon as Quinn and Liam got home, I grabbed Poppy and took them into your room.  I said, “Watch this.  Poppy, who is that on the picture?” as I pointed to you.  She goes, “Ro Ro.” Quinn started giggling uncontrollably and Liam didn’t quite know what to do.  “She just said, Ro Ro! Mom! Did you hear that?!” Quinn was jumping around with such excitement.

It’s been non-stop since that started a few weeks ago.  All day long all I hear, besides her barking like a dog is “Ro Ro Ro Ro. Brotha Ro Ro.” She is usually walking around carrying a picture of you, kisses it, and goes back to playing with something else.  She also studies the picture frame you are in like crazy, trying her best to open it.  It’s like she’s saying, “I know if I get this open, I can get him out and he can come and play with me.” I truly think that is what she thinks.  Oh, how I wish this were true.  I’m torn between loving all of this so much to sometimes it makes me sick.  As I said to your Sparkly the other day, “I’m going to break Poppy’s heart one day when I have to explain to her where Ronan is and what happened to him.  I don’t want to break her heart. How am I going to look my daughter in the eyes and have that conversation with her?” The thought of it makes me want to vomit all over the floor.  Why the fuck can’t her first heartbreak be over some asshole guy she will date when she is 16? Not over her beautiful brother that would have loved her so much, taken such good care of her and beat up the fuckwad who broke her heart? I like that story much better than the one I’m going to have to tell her.

I think I have to go now, Ro. Much more to say as always but my eyes are burning and bed is calling my name.  I’m forever sorry it is this way.  I miss you.  I love you.  I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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11 Comments

  1. So sorry RoMama!!!
    5/3 is my moms birthday
    5/19 is the day she went into the hospital and never came back home
    #fucancer
    I love that poppy knows Ro! #rolove #ropoplove 💜

    Reply
  2. Laura

     /  May 3, 2014

    Maya,

    I know this sounds crazy & never take away your pain, but maybe Poppy does see & play with Ronan. I’m sure she is communicating with him on a level we don’t understand because we aren’t beautiful little babies anymore. Babies know more then we think.

    With love,

    L.

    Reply
    • Des Jordan

       /  May 3, 2014

      I’m with you – I don’t think it’s crazy at all Laura! Poppy and Ronan ARE playing and together… There’s no other explanation. This is heart-breaking yet amazing all in one…

      Reply
  3. AliBee

     /  May 3, 2014

    Your little Poppy has most certainly been around before…what a doll.
    I cannot believe it’s May already…I am thinking of you every day xo

    Reply
  4. Michelle H.

     /  May 3, 2014

    So good to hear from you Maya. Consider your family covered in prayer this month especially 💜. Can’t believe it’s been 3 years :(. Big hugs, michelle

    Reply
  5. Jessica

     /  May 3, 2014

    What a special little girl that poppy! And for you to witness her saying that – wow. I love the bond you have with her. Maybe it will help ease the pain of her first heartbreak when you tell her about Ro.

    Reply
  6. Anita

     /  May 3, 2014

    Ronan brought you poppy, he knew you needed her and created that girl extra spicy just like you asked. I believe she does see him as he is a part of her and always will be. Poppy is wise beyond her year and I have a feeling she will take the cancer world by the ears and hit it with the biggest storm they ever saw! I’m so sorry for the month of May, for 3 years, for Mother’s Day. I wish they would stop. Thinking about your family always.

    Reply
  7. I have a feeling that when the time comes, Poppy will get it – she will understand just like she understood that Ronan is her brother and she loves him. Just as Ronan forever changed your family, so too is Poppy, one amazing little bit at a time. May will never be the same (but then neither are any of you) however, next May will not be the same either. Poppy is a blessing. Thank you for sharing this blessing. Exciting days are ahead.

    Reply
  8. I hope that May goes as quickly as it can for you. Sending you lots of hugs and hope. So glad that Poppy is with you.

    FU CANCER!!

    Reply
  9. Julie

     /  May 6, 2014

    That was absolutely wonderful! I love That Poppy knows her brother and can say his name! And that she carries his picture with her. She feels him. She feels him because you are a wonderful mother who keeps him alive in your children’s hearts and minds. She loves him because you and your family love him. When that day comes when you tell her about Ronan, she just might surprise you. He is still here and a part of everything in her life. She will know he is with her. I’ll be thinking of you this May and every May to come.

    Reply
  10. Maya thank you for sharing with us and keeping it real always. I hate May too. May 3rd was 2 years since that fucker cancer stole my Presley away. I’m so sorry, and heartbroken for you, that it stole your sweet Ro as well.

    I’ve read your entire blog and look up to you so much, I only wish it wasn’t because of childhood cancer taking our babies away. I’m having my second baby, another girl, in July and I’ve been a hot mess scared something will go wrong. But in following your writings and thoughts, I’ve realized I’m not alone in feeling this way….and that this baby will bring me more happiness than I can wrap my head around. I am praying for peace and comfort for your family as you endure these painful dates in May. Much love to you all. – Shelby

    Reply

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