Back in AZ with a Birthday to celebrate. Or not.


Image

Ronan.  We are back home and I am almost done with the whole holiday/celebrations of all things that still feel weird without you. My birthday is Saturday and I promise you I am trying to have a super good attitude about it, but I don’t really feel much like celebrating.  This does not fly with your daddy as all he wants to do is make sure my day is overly the top special.  What is the nicest way to tell him that over the top special to me would be hiding in bed all day, under the covers?  I can’t do that though.  It would break your brothers hearts so I will suck it up and do what is best for them.  I will smile when I blow out my candles and make the same wish I do, every year. The one where I just hope so much that you are alright, safe, and hope that someday, I will see you again.  I will smile for the picture that I know will be taken and I will forever wonder how in the world I can look so happy, in a picture when I feel like I am still so broken, sad and shattered.  It truly is amazing the things we as adults can do to survive such horrific pain.

Washington was all things perfect. Well, almost;) I basically go there and hibernate for the winter.  I feel like I did a lot of sleeping, which I never do well here.  Every night was the same as I would crawl into bed with Poppy and pass out until she woke me up.  Quinn and Liam have their own bedroom there, but they prefer to sleep in my room with me every night in another bed that is in the room.  It’s like a big slumber party and is one of the things in life I love so much.  Every morning when Poppy would wake up and I didn’t want to, Liam would grab her and say, “Mom, do you want me to take her downstairs and play with her so you can sleep a little longer?” Best brother ever and I happily thanked him and told him what a great big brother he was as I snuggled up to Quinn to sleep for another hour or so.  I don’t know if it’s the fresh air, cold weather, or just the comfort of being at home that knocks me out, but it always seems to do so.  I also spent a lot of time running which felt so nice.  I finally feel like I have my running mojo back and it always seems to come back when I am there.  I have a marathon to run in a couple of weeks so I made myself be pretty disciplined with my fake marathon training.  I was pretty consistent with running my standard 3.5 miles just about every night.  I somehow talked Brianna into running this thing with me.  Must be the older sister influence;) She ran with me at home and we even did 7 miles one night which was surprisingly pretty easy.  Her little 19-year-old body will be just fine.

Back in Arizona is hard for me, I’m not going to lie.  The first night we got home I felt like I was sucker punched as I walked through the door to our house without you bouncing behind me.  I handed Poppy to your daddy as he hadn’t seen her in a few days, told him I was exhausted and asked him to please take care of her so I could go to sleep.  I knew the sleep wouldn’t come as all the voices in my head were screaming so loudly.  I haven’t touched anything to sleep in over a year, but that night I needed to just pass out into oblivion for a solid 6 hours so I did.  Oh, how I sometimes miss the days of complete darkness with my old friend, Ambien when the world just quietly slip away.  I had to give up my love for that shit a long time ago due to loving it a little too much, but I think once a year is an o.k. compromise.  Sometimes I just need a night of blackness.  I had warned your daddy, so he was on Poppy duty and was happy to do so as he had missed her so much.

Speaking of Poppy, Ronan. Uhhhh…. remember when I asked you to make her “extra spicy?”  It is too late to give just a bit of that spice back???  What in the world happened to my sweet, cuddly baby girl who just cooed and started sweetly into my eyes all day long?! Now my days are filled with this very wild, strong-willed girl who reminds me of a little boy I once knew so very much.  She has turned into such a little spit fire who is on the go all the time and is constantly babbling, screaming (in a good way) and is into everything.  To say she keeps me on my toes is an understatement as I am chasing her around all day and she is only crawling. Imagine what she is going to be like once she starts to walk!  You know I am loving every second of it and so are your daddy and brothers.  She is full on obsessed with your daddy, too.  In a way that I really don’t remember any of you boys being.  If we are in a room together with her, she wants your daddy over me.  I secretly love it as it is amazing to see the bond between a father and a daughter.  It’s all so new to us all but so beyond sweet.  Your daddy is in total heaven about it.

Alright little man, this is all the update I can do for tonight.  Back to writing this book I go.  I miss you.  I love you.  I hope you are safe.

xx

About these ads
Leave a comment

8 Comments

  1. Laura

     /  January 7, 2014

    Could you be pregnant again?! Maybe that’s why you’re so sleepy?

    Reply
  2. Mary Endsley

     /  January 7, 2014

    Are you up for trying Etiopian food in PHX? I am friends wit Gay and Pre-k, and Mrs Burns. I have two sons, 21ans 18- good boys for roll models . I’m the school nurse at Sequoya if you would ever like to meet at an Ethiopian favorite restaurant of ours, we would live to meet you and treat you to dinner
    I think my boys could help yours possibly , they have good hearts.

    Reply
  3. RoMama
    Glad that being home with your mom is everything you need.
    Breaks my heart that coming back to AZ sucks for you. That’s because that house has Ro everywhere. :(
    Oh my…a spicy poppy…love that. She’s Ro’s twin.
    I hope you celebrate your day on Saturday with your loving family.
    Rolove always
    Xo
    Happy early Birthday!

    Reply
  4. alex3morrow

     /  January 7, 2014

    I know exactly how you feel! I sleep everywhere but in my bed. I feel like I wrote your whole post. I am so glad that our feelings are the only normal part of our lives…

    Reply
  5. Melissa V

     /  January 7, 2014

    I hope you know that even though you are a bit quiet on here….Ro and the Thompson clan are always in my heart. Sending you oodles of love. Poppy Spice keep your mama busy baby girl!

    Reply
  6. There was never a chance Poppy was going to be anything but spicy – she has you as her mother and Ronan as her brother. So good to hear from you and always nice to hear about Washington…it sounds like such a beautiful, peaceful place. Love you, mama.

    Reply
  7. findingcortni

     /  January 8, 2014

    I looked up Tyler Knott after you posted a poem – and I am in love. Thank you for the introduction because he is awesome! I just ordered this time thief print a few days ago from his print sale. I hope that you have the best birthday possible Mama Maya!

    Reply
  8. Grief is exhausting & the holidays are too. So glad that being in Washington gives you some peace. I think bereaved parents have to be awesome actors/actresses to make it in this world without their children.

    FU Cancer!! Sending hope and hugs.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

  • Instagram is my BFF

    Nighty night, Little Roo. #poppy #ronan #iloveyou #sleepybabyroo #sweetdreams #besthairever #littlelips Just working on one of my chapters over here! #ronan #inspirationalwords #ronanbook #nosugarcoating #nobullshit #heisnotinabetterplace #sundaysareforwriters George is about to meet his maker. RIP, monkey. #ronan #attackofthekillerteddy #fucancer #teddyhasinsomnia #likehismama #teddybydaykujobynight
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 24,025 other followers

%d bloggers like this: