No “Silent Night” singing to Poppy allowed.


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Ronan. I am currently watching your Poppy sister play in her crib. At almost 6 months old, she has still not spent a night alone. Is that bad? I’m not sure as I had all 3 of you boys in your cribs from pretty much the time that you came home from the hospital. Babies in our beds happened sometimes, but not all the time like we are doing with this Poppy girl. Your daddy has been saying lately that it’s time for Poppy to go in her crib. I do my best, “No way, never happening” rant. It usually goes a little something like this, “Kids who sleep in their cribs, die. I’ve sat in support groups where I’ve heard at least 3 stories of 8 month old babies who just up and die. She’s not going in her crib, to die.” The part about the stories I’ve heard are true, and although I’ll admit I’m being a little dramatic, I’m not about to be separated through the night from your Poppy sister.

My mind never gets to be naïve anymore and I am more than paranoid. Here is another example of how fucked up and crazy it is to live inside of my head. I was out to breakfast with Fernanda and Stacy the other morning and Fernanda was standing up with Poppy, bouncing her to sleep. She started to sing her “Silent Night.” You know, the song I always sang to you, before you got sick. I completely freaked out. “YOU CANNOT SING THAT SONG TO HER! THAT SONG IS JINXED! IT’S THE SONG OF DEATH!” Fernanda and Stacy both just looked at me like I had 8 heads. “Sing her Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, like you used to do for Ronan, instead!” Poor Fernanda started singing “Twinkle Twinkle” and Stacy just looked at me and rolled her eyes. I didn’t want to get into the whole song thing, but I remember when you first got sick how I told Tricia and Marisa something crazy about that song. “I always sang him ‘Silent Night.” Is that because he’s going to die and now the nights are going to be silent without him?” They both told me that was not the case, but here we are today. I know “Silent Night,” did not have anything to do with your death, but what if it was the world’s way of telling me you were actually going to die. These are the fun things I get to think about now. No “Silent Night” singing for Poppy allowed.

The Gold Party came and went and I still feel like I am recovering emotionally from it. It was beautiful and sparkly, just the way you would have liked it. I spent the night with my most favorite people, minus a few who couldn’t make it. It truly was such a beautiful night. The night ended with me saying to Stacy and Fernanda, “I feel like Ronan would really want us to jump in the pool.” After a little Stacy magic which meant talking to the amazing W people who were in charge of the event, that is precisely what we did, in our fancy clothes into the pool we went. It was me, Stacy, Fernanda, and your Fairy RoMo. We laughed, swam a lap, and I sat at the end of the pool and cried with Fernanda. I said things like, “I still can’t believe he is gone.” I’ll never get over the shock of this all or come to terms with any of this. This reality never becomes any easier no matter how much time passes by. Everything hurts just as much, Ronan. But in that pool swimming laughing/crying moment, I still felt so thankful for all the beautiful people you have put in our lives. I am a lucky, lucky girl in that regard.

I’m doing my best here, but sometimes everything I am doing, takes a toll. Besides just how much I miss you, I really miss just being able to be a mom and that’s it. I am in a constant state of feeling like I am being pulled in a thousand different directions. I am about to scream, “TIME OUT!!” and run away to New York. I know that is not the answer, but sometimes I wish it were that easy. I’ve been getting a lot of emails about this blog and my not writing as much. A lot of you are worried and asking questions like, “Is this the end of the blog, because you are not updating it as much!” I don’t think I will ever stop writing this blog, but it is going to have to go on the back burner for a while as my book writing, running a foundation, and being a mom to a new baby, takes up any free time that I may have. It makes me sad as this blog has been my outlet and my therapy, for so long. I promise to get back to it when I can, but for now, other things have to take priority. I used to do all of my writing really late at night, but it seems that I cannot get enough sleep lately. That means, come 9:00 p.m., I am sound asleep with Poppy. Until that 3:30 a.m. witching hour comes about, then I am up, but I am usually playing catch up on emails or foundation things that I HAVE to get done. This leaves not much time for blog writing. I promise to try to be a little better as I do miss this and all of you, very much.

My grief has also been being ignored, which is not good. How is it that I am too busy, to be still with my grief? I’ll tell you how.

A book

A new baby

A foundation

Having two 10 year olds who are in 3 different sports/homework/projects that are never-ending

Trying to be a wife

Running a house

Trying to keep up with friendships and maintaining them. Being a friend while being a bereaved parent is REALLY hard work. Luckily, the friends I have, who have stayed around, are seriously the best. They are not even friends anymore, as I consider them family

Having a brother who I’m in a constant state of worry about

Trying to get back into a good exercise routine as bye bye baby weight is in full effect around here because my skinny jeans are just sitting there, taunting me in my closet. I know, I know, priorities and this one seems pretty stupid, but it goes back to my childhood and dad who was always calling my mom not very nice names. I obviously have deeply rooted issues thanks to this.

That leaves pretty much 0 time to spend with myself and with my grief. I tried to get up to Sedona this weekend, to see Dr. Jo, but it just didn’t work out. So, what’s a girl to do because I know what happens when I ignore my grief. I turn into a complete basket case who likes to take too much Ambien. Wait, before you freak out, that was the old, really broken and shattered me. Not the new mom to a baby, I know I cannot do that anymore and I would never, ever even take one, let alone 5. I am going to make a game plan this week with Dr. Jo about how I can get back to just being still with everything, even if that just means I do it while I am hiking with Poppy. If that’s the only time I get to be still, it’s better than nothing.

One more thing. Thanks to the Phoenix Coyotes, we now have some money to be more consistent about doing the Candy Cart at PCH. We have decided to start doing it once a month, which I am super excited about. If any of you have any non candy goodies, you would like to send my way, that would be awesome. We also bring things for the kids who cannot eat so they do not feel left out. Things like toys, books, coloring books, stickers, crayons… you get the idea. Everything must be new and not used. Please send to the P.O. Box where all of the foundation things get delivered. The address is below.

The Ronan Thompson Foundation

P.O. Box 44935

Phoenix, Arizona

85064-4935

Thank you all so much for bearing with me during this quiet time and respecting that I am trying to do my best, I am just feeling a little overwhelmed right now.

It’s almost 9:00 which means I’m done for the day. Time to curl up with this Poppy girl.

G’nite Ronan. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

 

 

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22 Comments

  1. Love to you RoMama & Poppy girl.
    It was Romazing seeing you at the goldparty. Wish it was more often!
    #mayasmafia
    #rolove
    Always Rolove
    XO

    Reply
  2. Melissa V

     /  October 6, 2013

    Much love to you, Maya. Always and only love. Whether you write or not it is sent to you and your family each and every day. Ronan will never be forgotten–but someday neuroblastoma and pediatric cancer will be. He will still help you change the world into the brightest sparkliest wildest and free place it should be. Take care of YOU along the way. I know in my heart you will as you would never do anything to hurt your babies.

    Reply
  3. Jaime

     /  October 6, 2013

    Hang in there Maya! Still think of you and Ronan all the time! Keeping you in my prayers! xo

    Reply
  4. Miss your blogs, but completely understand that so many other things take priority right now, the most important of course being Poppy, Liam, Quinn and MAYA! I know childhood cancer never sleeps, but I do hope that things are a little less hectic now that September has passed. As always, I love you so much and I hope you get to be still more than you have been.

    Reply
  5. Laura

     /  October 7, 2013

    Maya,

    I just want to say, that I think your an amazing woman, mother and someone who is taking on cancer & saving lives. Think how many little children’s & adults out there who’s lives you have saved through this blog through awareness. Also I think you have saved all readers in way or another, I know that you have helped me. Never doubt your self you are a true hero in my eyes. Also I have a grandmother who is 90+ years old who’s had 8 children, she lost the first one after a few days of his birth. Till this day she still grieves that baby and dosn’t know why he died. I truly believe any loving mother will never forget or stop grieving a childs loss, till the day they die.

    Never doubt yourself!

    Love L. Syd.

    Reply
  6. Maya, I love you so much! You are truly one of the strongest persons I know! Keep fighting cancer Ro mama! Xoxo! lots of love to you and your family. I understand why you won’t be writing as much! Take care of yourself along the way! no matter how hectic life may seem remember that we are all rooting for you! XXX lots of Ro love!

    Reply
  7. Lidia Giubilaro

     /  October 7, 2013

    Always thinking of u and Ro :)
    xoxo

    Reply
  8. Samantha

     /  October 7, 2013

    It is actually super healthy for Poppy to sleep with you. It helps the baby connect with the mother more than you just sharing a room with Poppy. There are many studies on it.

    Reply
  9. Daniella

     /  October 7, 2013

    Keeping you and your family in my thoughts, always. Sending you some deep breathes, some self forgiveness and thoughts of the fresh PNW air – and of course love.

    Reply
  10. Liz J.

     /  October 7, 2013

    Maya – I have loved your family since “Life is no way to treat an animal…” I have laughed with you, cried with you, been angry while you have been angry, scared while you have been scared…you have opened your heart, and most of your life for that matter, to readers, and we are forever blessed because of it. For months, I checked your blog daily, sometimes even 2 to 3 times a day, because I wanted to follow your journey step by step. Over the last few months, I find myself checking it less, not because I am following you less, but because I understand that this blog, and your life, are evolving into something even more beautiful and special than before. So never, never, NEVER feel like you are not doing the right thing by not posting here as often as you did in the past. Just always remember that the other things that you have going on, ie the book, foundation, Poppy, the boys, your husband, etc, are exactly what you should be doing. I know that this blog is also your way of writing to Ronan, and that is what your readers who question “Is this the end of the blog?” should realize. This blog started for you and for Ronan, and if you stopped writing it tomorrow, there are still a million other ways that you are honoring him, remembering him, talking to him, and still being his mama forever! Stay strong, love fiercely, break down when you have to, and stay on the the path that is right for YOU and your family! Love, Liz J.

    Reply
    • Michelle

       /  October 9, 2013

      Beautifully put.

      Reply
    • Des Jordan

       /  October 11, 2013

      Amazing and perfectly written. If I could have put into words what I really wanted to say after reading this blog post, Liz J. did it! Maya, no need to apologize for not blogging as much. All of us who have been reading, supporting, sending love from afar, will still be doing so, no matter what, no matter how often or how little you blog. You’ve changed the lives of so many people. Thank you. Keep going just as you are mama, amazing RoMama! Find stillness, and then keep going. Love, Desiree

      Reply
  11. Amy

     /  October 7, 2013

    My thoughts are with you, I hope you find your way through this chaotic time. You are so lucky to have your husband, he seems really caring and strong. Your kids are amazing. Your friends love you. The charity is soaring high. You will get through it all. But while you work it out, remember to live like a rockstar and have fun!

    Sending my love to you and your family!
    From a British Ro-Lovie xx

    Reply
  12. It is not bad at all that Poppy has not spent a night alone. And, it is very reasonable to ask that no one sing her Silent Night. There are no rules to being a bereaved parent. Whatever works you should do and continue to do until it stops working.

    My life is one of those stories of my youngest son who went into his crib to die (although I try to talk myself into believing that he would have died no matter where he was – the guilt and not knowing is brutal). We unfortunately, our oldest also predeceased us but we know the cause. Either way it is the worst thing ever to have your child die and however you can get through the days on this earth without him (or them in my case) is what you should do.

    I am so happy that the Gold Party went well and that you went swimming :-). Sending you hope and hugs and always a big FU CANCER!! xoxo

    Reply
  13. Kate Buckley

     /  October 7, 2013

    Maya, it is nice to hear from you on this blog, but I am also really glad you have a lot of other things going on. We are still here, supporting you and Ronan. Stay strong.

    Reply
  14. Amy

     /  October 7, 2013

    I don’t like ever comment. In fact I go months without reading sometimes. But I think of you and your little Ronan often. Had a little cry stumbling across Taylor’s song again tonight. Gets me every time. I’ve never been able to sing it through because I just cry. I was reading your block when he was still fighting his fight. I just wanted you to know even if you only blog now and again, he’ll never be forgotten.

    Reply
  15. Shannon

     /  October 8, 2013

    Although I miss reading your beautiful writing, when I don’t see a lot of entries in the blog, it makes me think that you are doing OK and living life. That doesn’t mean that Ronan and all he stands for is dwindling away. It just means – to me, at least – that grief isn’t pulling you into hellish depths on those days. And that makes me smile for you and your family.

    Reply
  16. S.F

     /  October 8, 2013

    You have the loveliest baby girl in the world, but I wish so badly you could have your lovely little boy returned to you, back in your arms, where he belongs <3

    Reply
  17. S.F

     /  October 8, 2013

    P.S – I’m sure the safest place for Poppy is sleeping between her mama and daddy…just make sure your giant husband doesn’t roll over and squish her by mistake ;)

    Reply
  18. Becki

     /  October 9, 2013

    We love you Maya!

    Reply
  19. Maya,
    I haven’t stopped in in far too long. I had no idea you had a new baby girl. Congratulations.
    I just want to say, I have no idea how you feel {and I hope I never do and that no one would ever have to again. A HUGE WISH} but I know that I would feel the same way. You are an amazing, amazing mama.
    I can’t get through a post without crying which is why I stopped coming. Well, I’m back. And I’ll just have to cry along with you.
    Your last line kills me every fucking time.
    Love you. Kiss that sweet baby.
    xo
    Susan

    Reply
  20. cami

     /  October 13, 2013

    Maya I am always happy to donate headbands. It was a hit with girls at PCH last month. ANy way I can help is my pleasure. Love you!

    Reply

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