I want the house with the tire swing…


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Ronan. Somehow, life is still just going on without you. I’m not so sure how this just continues to happen, but it does. Right now, I am listening to the chitter chatter of your daddy and brothers as they root for the Raiders football team while watching the game in the other room. Poppy is sound asleep beside me and I just spent the entire day lost in her little coo’s and giggles. I catch myself a lot, stopping dead in my tracks after feeling myself feel the happiness she brings to my life. Happiness that exists without you here, but trust me, its not guilt free or the kind of happiness I used to have back when your little feet would go pitter patter across the floor. This happiness comes with a very heavy price that never goes away. This happiness, feels heavy as the absence of you is never far from my mind, heart, body, or soul. This happiness is heavy.

Your daddy just took your brothers to play basketball except Quinn who came in to tell me goodbye, decided not to go because he saw the tears rolling down my cheeks. The tears of this is all sometimes too much, the tears of all the other kids that I know who are going through this, the tears of the parent’s like us, who are left with a dead child due to this world that is a fucking crap shoot if you survive because it really is all just a game of Russian roulette. And when you lose, you lose big time. There are no do overs or second chances no matter how loudly you scream and cry and call out your dead child’s name at the top of a mountain because you think if you scream it loudly enough, he will come home. Not home as in fucking heaven, but home as in back into your arms, where your child belongs. Where you belong with me and should have been with me until I was the one old and dying, not you, young and dying while I watched you take your last breaths.

Every single day I take your brothers to school, I drive past the cutest little house with the most perfect little tire swing in the front yard. I crank my neck as far as it will go, to try to get a peek into this little world of the tire swing house. Sometimes, I see the mom coming out of it, pushing her other kids in the stroller. I think to myself, remember when I had the tire swing life. The memories of bliss come flooding in but are usually followed by hot tears as what once was, but never will be again. It takes me a minute to regroup and give myself the little pep that I often have to do. The one of you have x, y, and z and you need to be thankful for that which is such a bullshit pep talk. I know I have x, y, and z, but it does not make this pain, any less or any of this right.

Last week, I was taking your brothers to school and we were running late so I just dropped them at the cross walk. As I was slowly trying to navigate my way through traffic, a lady who was passing me motioned for me to roll down my window. I had never seen her before and just as I rolled my window down I heard her yell, “YOU GO GIRL! YOU KEEP FIGHTING CANCER!” This caught me off guard as well as made me laugh. You see, it’s moments like this when I am so caught up in my “I’m just a grieving mom role” when those little pushes and words of encouragement help me out the most. Sometimes I forget what I am actually doing because all I know is I’m just really, really sad and lost without you. But things like this help me to see that I must be doing something right for this stranger off the street to yell these words to me. I think I’m going to have a tee-shirt made up that say those exact same words, just to remind me that I am kicking ass and taking names and I can do this no matter how sad I might be.

This Friday night is our second annual Gold Party. Your Nana is coming into town as well as Macy, Rachel, Charisma, and your Fairy RoMo. It’s going to be such a wonderful weekend full of all of my favorite people. I am going to do my best to make it such a wonderful, sparkly night all for the sake of you. It’s always in my head that this party is for you, and for all the people who love and support this cause. This party is my way of saying thank you to all the people out there, who love you and are supporting all that we are trying to do. Although the reason for this party is sad and so beyond fucked up and wrong, I promise you that I will wear the biggest smile on my face for the night and hope that you are watching all that I am doing to try to make you proud. I love you so much little man and I will never stop screaming or crying for you. I promise to always try my hardest to make the wrongest things, somewhat right.

Alright little man, this is all I can do for tonight. I have been wiped out lately and my pillow is calling my name, even at this early hour. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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15 Comments

  1. Wish you knew nothing of this pain.

    Reply
  2. I wish you knew nothing of this pain.

    Reply
  3. Colleen Fisher

     /  September 23, 2013

    <3. #yougogirlindeed! xo

    Reply
  4. 3degreesforablog

     /  September 23, 2013

    I volunteer in the Children’s hospital and i have just switched by unit to Oncology for the year. My job is to play games and do arts and crafts, read stories, etc to the kids at the hospital in Toronto. I’ve definitely been inspired by Rockstar Ronan.
    I loved this post. It’s amazing how life can fall apart what seems like two seconds. Death has happened in our family too. But not the same way as it has happened to you, and the families that I see every week. I couldn’t imagine that.
    Whenever I pass a tire swing, I’ll remember not to take things for granted.
    Keep up your good work. (And Charisma too. I just love her).
    You are all quite inspiring.

    Reply
  5. You are fucking amazing!!! I am not a mom and have only lost my my great grandmother, so I can not relate to what you have to go through at all, however you are one of my inspirations. I know that when we do have kids someday I am going to be an amazing mom because from you I have learned not to take a second for granted. Thank you.

    I swear your son will never be forgotten. Not just by you and your family, but by the world.

    Reply
  6. RoMama
    You are romazing!
    Kicking cancers ass! For Ro & all the kids!
    Fucancer!!!
    See you Friday!!
    I’ll be there with 8 others!!! For Ro! Always for Ro!!!
    Rolove
    XO

    Reply
  7. ashley

     /  September 24, 2013

    YOU GO GIRL!!! If anyone can kick cancers ugly ass its you! Have fun at the Gold Party for all of us!

    Reply
  8. Daniella

     /  September 24, 2013

    Sending you love, lots of GO-MAYA-GO!s, and strength from the pnw.

    Reply
  9. Andrea

     /  September 24, 2013

    I’m pretty sure that this quote was written about you:

    “Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.” Apple.

    Reply
  10. helen tsangarakis

     /  September 24, 2013

    Hi Maya I read your story and have been following your posts from  the every beginning and I think you are an ABSOLUTELY AMAZING PERSON. I can’t even imagine how painful it must have been for you to lose Ronan and to keep fighting for him like you do is the greatest thing in the world. I cry everytime I read your blogs. Although I never met Ronan I miss him like I did and I truly feel your pain..I  could never imagine my life without my child…I sometimes say.. How does she do it ? How does anyone who’s lost a child go on with life??? I watched a movie once and where they said you should always have more than one child becasue if something ever happened to one you will live for and through the other ..I truly believe that is true and see that you really hold it together for your family…and I just want to say I know you have no idea who the hell I am but IM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!  I wish I lived closer to you and could help you…. If you’re ever in New York and  need any help whatsoever IM HERE FOR YOU!!! Keep up the good work!!! Ronan is looking down and he is so proud of his mommy:))))   Take care of yourself and your family xoxoxox Helen

    ________________________________

    Reply
  11. I agree with her- you go girl, keep fighting cancer. You are a real inspiration. You will change the world… at such a high cost. I know the cost. I know the feeling that I am just moving and going through motions that just happen to be showing the world Madeline and trying to change childhood cancer… I think I hate the idea of anyone else having to feel this immense sad… so my life is about carrying Madeline with us and changing this… and I love when people share and help…

    Reply
  12. s-f

     /  September 24, 2013

    “I know I have x, y, and z, but it does not make this pain, any less or any of this right”

    So true Maya! This is a perfect example of how money can’t buy happiness. Death is the ultimate equalizer because it don’t matter if you’re rich or poor, black or white, male or female…the death of a child…it’s impossible to get over. Cancer sucks.

    Well what can I say but YOU GO GIRL YOU KEEP FIGHTING CANCER!! :)

    Reply
  13. Go Maya Go!! I so wish that you had the house with tire swing. You are a grieving mom and a kicker of Cancer’s ass!

    Hope that you have a great time this weekend and remember all the amazing things you are doing (sad or not). Sending hope and hugs. FU CANCER!!

    Reply
  14. KT

     /  October 1, 2013

    “YOU GO GIRL!
    YOU KEEP FIGHTING CANCER!”
    We are here fighting with you all the way baby!!

    That made me giggle!! Love people like that!! Love you mama!!!!!
    xoxo

    Reply
  15. Thank you for your honest words. I lost my Presley at 14 months to leukemia (her nickname was Poppy! Such a crazy sweet coincidence) and yes, you effin’ go girl, keep fighting cancer! I would’ve laughed too, what else is there to do sometimes?

    Thank you for always speaking the truth when it comes to grief, the real world of childhood cancer, and dumbass people! Your Ro is never forgotten, Maya! Much love to you and your family. Oh, and….F U CANCER fo’ sure!!

    Love,
    Shelby

    Reply

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