A mushy messy update because too much has been going on.


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Ronan. At the moment, I am feeling defeated. And really lost, lonely, used, and sad. I look around in the world and all I see are these fake plastic smiles. People who pretend they care, but they don’t. People who say they do, but they don’t. And just when I am coming up to get some air, I get the most devastating news delivered to me, since your death. I don’t think this is my news to share as it hit a little too close to home. I don’t think I need permission to share what it is that is going on, but I’m not feeling right about sharing it on here at the moment. I need to talk to the people in my life that I am closest to about how to handle all of this since this is my very open and honest blog, and when I talk on here it is about what is impacting my life at this very moment. I’m just not quite sure how to handle this. At this point, I am beyond heartbroken, scared, and sad. My family has been through so much. We don’t need anymore pain, but we cannot seem to escape it. I’m just so tired of it all. I’m just so tired of being sad, mostly. I’m learning to rely on my old friends more and seem to be wanting to keep them as close as I possibly can. The ones who I can trust and the ones who won’t let me down. The ones who are my family.

Just when I think my days cannot get any worse as I am trying to absorb the news that I have been hit with, your baby sister looks at me and rolls over for the first time. She feels me with hope, happiness, and a light that nobody can destroy because no matter what happens, she is mine and I am hers. I look at her, take a deep breath, and watch her little eyes fill up with a love that I have not seen in such a very long time. Eyes full of innocence, light and love that know no pain. Her eyes remind me so much of yours. I spent the weekend in a fog but a productive fog like always. Basketball games, time with your brothers, family things. I was out and about with Poppy, running errands in the retched heat. A lady came up to me in a parking lot, telling me her sad story and asking if I would buy her food. She was telling me how hungry she was, how she had lost her house, her life, her everything. I loaded Poppy in the car, grabbed some cash out of my wallet and handed it to her, but I couldn’t even speak. She then said to me, “Bless you child, bless you.” I looked up at her, my eyes filled with tears and I wanted to scream, “But NOBODY is blessing me! My son is dead, and now I am dealing with x,y, and z!” I screamed those words over and over in my head instead of out loud while I drove away into the hot bursting sun that looked like it was going to explode.

This is the part where I say, I know I am blessed to have the things that I have Ronan such as your brothers and sister, of course. I never forget that. But, I think I am entitled on some days to scream that I am in fact not blessed at all because I’m still just so mad, sad, angry and hurt over your cancer, all you went through and that you ended up dying anyway. Some days I am not blessed because I am still too blinded by the never-ending torture cancer killed my baby and I just want you back. And just when I am feeling like all hope is lost, something amazing appears out of the blue, only to be sent by you.

So, I started this post a little over a week ago. I have decided not to go into much detail as to what is going on, as I want to be respectful to my family. Nobody is hurt as of now. My brother is struggling with some issues, but thanks to my mom and her never-ending dying love for her children, he is safe for now. It’s no secret that my brother and I have not had the closest relationship, but at the end of the day, I love him and his sweet soul. I am begging you, Ronan, to help him get through this. I spoke to my brother on the phone a couple of days ago. I begged my mom to make him talk to me. He was resisting. She held the phone up to his ear and I just simply said, “Hey. I love you. I am here for you no matter what.” He told me through is his tears that he knew this and he loved me, too. I then said, “I am proud of you and I know you can do this.” I hope he carries those words with him and all that is he about to go through. I hope most of all, Ronan, he carries you with him and remembers your big blue eyes and how strong and brave you always were. I hope he can channel a little of your strength so he can come out of this healed and ready to start his new life that I know he is so capable of. I am so thankful for my mom for so many reasons, but today I am thankful for her because she single handily has saved my brother’s life. It’s up to him now to do the rest and I just hope and pray that he comes out the other side of this, Ronan. I know you will help him through this the best you can.

So, after my pity party week of feeling super sad, lost and alone, of course something magical appears as it always does when I need it the most. Remember how I told you that amazing company SpiritHoods jumped on board when I asked them to make a Spicy Monkey Hood in honor of you? WOW. I had no idea what this was going to turn into, but Ronan, I think we just did something big. Something so very big that is going to help change this world of childhood cancer that everybody seems to just ignore. I got a very last-minute email from the founder of the company, Alexander. It said something like, “Hey, I’m in Vegas next week, can I come from there to meet you?” You know my rule about never saying no to things, right? I try not to anymore. Ever. So of course I said yes even with everything that I have going on. Plans were made, and as always, I was not sure what to expect, so I just hoped for the best.

Do you know those moments in life when for a spit second, everything just feels right? That’s what if felt like for me the second I finally got to wrap my arms around Alexander and his stunningly gorgeous wife, Shay. Alexander is the founder of SpirtHoods and Shay is his wife, side kick and partner in everything. The two of them, combined, are beyond magic. We spent some time getting to know one another, but honestly I knew from the second I met them, that I have somehow, somewhere, known them before. Or maybe you knew them, Ronan which is why I felt so close and so at ease with them. I’ve been holding some things back in regards to your death and saving them for just the right people, the right moment, and the right time to do something really amazing and powerful with. I have no doubt in my mind, Alexander and Shay are just the right people to share our everything with.

The Spicy Monkey SpiritHood that was only just a dream of mine, is coming true. With 100% of the proceeds, going back to your Foundation. I am so thankful and humbled to be partnered up with this amazing organization. But the SpirtHood is only the beginning. After we got to talking, an idea came about because Alexander believed we could really take this story, to the next level. So, we made a short film. And a long documentary, as well. One full of days and nights of real footage, B-roll footage, interviews from our dearest souls, not a lot of sleep, lots of tears, sadness, laughter, honesty, love, and what day is it today?! Ronan, it is going to be so powerful. I held NOTHING back with all the sadness, truth and pain that the world of childhood cancer is really about, but nobody wants to show.

Little man. I will finish this post and this story, but not tonight. I started this over a week ago but between all that has been going on, I have not had the time to finish. Book writing is #1 priority right now, after your sister and brothers, of course.

Poppy and I took the red-eye out to NYC a couple of days ago. We needed a break before September, so to the Hamptons we went to see our Fairy RoMo. I so needed this break. I so needed to clear my head. I so needed to spend some time with one of our favorites and your Poppy sister’s Godmama. It’s lovely here. Beyond words.

I need to get some sleep. Everything is fuzzy and hurts. I’ll finish the rest of this, tomorrow I hope. Just wanted to give you some sort of an update.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

 

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21 Comments

  1. I know we have never met, and I know I am one of thousands who follow and share your story…but I am never going away. I hope you know that xo

    Reply
  2. Patricia Scalise

     /  August 28, 2013

    everything will be o.k………ronan will make sure of it

    Reply
  3. ashley

     /  August 29, 2013

    Maya! I love you!…I know it sounds creepy and I don’t love you in a creepy stalker way, but I have love for you and your beautiful soul. I hope all goes well with your brother. I’m so glad you have your Poppy girl. Ronan really pulled off something so magical and whimsical in that little love bug! Enjoy your time away from this hot desert…even though we have major rain and potential flash floods in the west valley tonight! Safe travels home for you and that pretty Poppy girl! Xoxo

    Reply
  4. Rebecca

     /  August 29, 2013

    Oh Maya… I just wish so badly that there was something to take your pain away. I’ve been reading/following your blog since shortly after you started writing it. I wanted more than anything for Ronan to get better. And I believed with all my heart that he would. With his amazing spirit, and you as his mommy, surely he would kick cancer’s ass. My little girl was an infant when it was discovered that Ronan wasn’t going to make it. I will never forget reading that post. I read it in my car after a trip to the grocery store. I drove up into some totally random culdesac and bawled my eyes out for who knows how long. When I finally got back home, my husband took one look at my red, swollen, tear-stained face and the first words out of his mouth were “is that little boy not gonna make it?”. I cried myself to sleep that night. And the next. Every time I went to go and check the blog for an update, for whatever reason, I stopped myself. I felt sick to my stomach and couldn’t bring myself to face the total heartbreak that I felt for you. And then, I did something i still haven’t forgiven myself for. Like a complete and total asshole, I just stopped reading. I told myself I needed to focus on my own children and not get so wrapped up in someone else’s world. As though I couldn’t somehow do both. But at the same time, you’d opened my eyes to a world that can’t just be shut off. After a couple weeks of feeling like I’d turned my back on a hero because I was too scared to try and help him fight, I knew there was no turning back. If this was how I was feeling, being a complete stranger, but yet still sharing the absolute life changing role of being a mother, then how in the world must you feel. My god Maya, you have been dealt one of the toughest hand in the deck, and instead of shying away or backing down, you have stood up and fought in a way that is literally going to change the world. I know that doesn’t change the fact that Ronan is gone. Nothing will. And you have every right & then some to your anger, sadness, loneliness, but even more so to the hope and the light that you are bringing to this evil, awful world of childhood cancer.
    Know that you & Ronan and your beautiful family are loved from all over this world.
    And just one little favor, please don’t ever be afraid to let this army you & Ronan have formed, help hold you up & fight this battle.

    Reply
  5. RoMama

    Hope going away does your body and mind good. Hope your brother is safe. Can’t wait to hear more about Ro’s spirit hoods and your documentary. Praying the White House turns GOLD September 1st!!!
    Always rolove
    XO

    Reply
  6. Lynda Flackman

     /  August 29, 2013

    I think you need some help to get you out of this depression………I have lost two children and dwelled on it like you….I finally got the help I needed

    Reply
  7. I am so sorry to read about more sadness for your family. It is not fair but it does not seem like a “we have had enough pass” exists. If I find one I will send it your way for sure.

    I thought for sure after our 1st son died that all the bad things in the world would pass over us. I could not have been more wrong when 4 years later our youngest son died and shattered what was left of my already broken heart into more pieces than I thought possible.

    Thinking about you, Ronan, your brother and your mom extra today. Sending you all hope and hugs. Looking forward to seeing the documentary and learning more about Spirit hoods.

    FU CANCER!!

    Reply
  8. Kate Buckley

     /  August 29, 2013

    Maya,
    Thank you for posting this update. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Ronan has changed so many lives, including mine. You have every right to cry your eyes out and dwell on the sadness. However, you have accomplished so much in Ronan’s name and are continuing to change the world. Thank you for your continued strength.

    Reply
  9. I’m so sorry you are in pain, Maya. You’re ability to persevere and work through the pain is inspiring. You ARE changing things, and I am so glad to be on the front lines to watch all that is happening. What else can I (and your other blog followers) do to spread awareness??? Change our FB cover photos and profile pics for the month of September, share the Ronan Thompson Foundation updates on Facebook, etc.? I want to help in any way I can…for you, for Ronan, and for all the other babies…

    Reply
  10. Michelle H.

     /  August 29, 2013

    Hi Maya- I’m heartbroken for you for what you are going through with your brother. I relate so much at the moment with what your family is going through, more than you know. As if you haven’t had enough on your plate. But there is something just so sad about watching your sibling go through something that is out of your control. Prayers for you, prayers for him, prayers for your entire family coming your way. So good to have heard from you. ❤❤❤

    Reply
  11. Daniella

     /  August 29, 2013

    It started raining here in Seattle like crazy – I’m doing my best to send you some of the rain and fresh air. You are wonderful and I can’t speak for all of your readers but I know I can speak for many of us when I say “we have no expectations for your grief”, you just keep on keeping on one day at time. Sending you love

    Reply
  12. Rachel in Camas, WA

     /  August 29, 2013

    Thank you for sharing this Maya. You and Ronan have changed my life forever. He will NEVER, EVER, NEVER be forgotten. Like EVER.

    Reply
  13. Elaine Yeager

     /  August 29, 2013

    Oh but I do care. Because of you Maya, and oh how I mean it. From deep with in my soul I feel you and your story and Ronan, and I cry with you. I want to help you everyday. You are loved so amazingly. Your pain seems to reach me so deeply. I love your truth and your honesty. I will never stop helping the Ronanfoundation and spreading the word to help kill childhood cancer. I feel you in my heart and I hope I get to meet you one day. That would make me a lucky person. Maybe one day lady. I wont ever turn away. You are amazinging, you are good. You are the person we all need to be and your story helps me be better. You make me so thankful. Too many words and feelings to tell you everything. I love you so much. Just keep being you.

    Reply
  14. Maya…you sound really down and I hate that…but I know it can’t be any other way. You are a kind hearted and generous person — and that is what makes it all hurt so much….and hopefully it also makes you feel good that much more (Someday soon). I know that sometimes people tell me I feel too much or worry too much about people that I know and those that I don’t know (personally) but I wouldn’t want it another way. People that don’t feel and just go through their lives ignoring everyone and simply taking care of their own stuff — they are missing something. But I will agree with you that I am so grateful for my kids…I’m so glad when the world looks horrible and selfish — their faces and their smiles — well, it’s always a blessing.
    I cannot wait to hear more about the work you are continuing to do…you inspire me. Thanks for always sharing with us…I imagine often you simply want to pull the plug and go into yourself…you created something and from it so much good is coming and I’m sure a lot of bad with it too…but you are going to change the world…one person at a time.

    Reply
  15. Madeleine Goad

     /  August 29, 2013

    I will always care .

    From someone who cares a ton

    Reply
  16. Asha

     /  August 29, 2013

    Maya, in October there are these pink tags everywhere on items in grocery stores. What if you designed a sticker that said : ” kids get cancer too- we need research for childhood cancer” and add names of websites for people to see… If I could order a pack of those stickers from your website, I would spread them to any store I go to that has the pink ribbon stuff. It is sort of badass too! I bet a lot of mamas would do it! The proceeds from the stickers would go to your foundation and it would spread the word!
    Also, with back to school, I wanted to purchase some t-shirts especially the skull one, but they don’t have kids sizes?

    Reply
  17. Wishing you brother takes care of himself, wishing you nothing but amazing things – I really wish for Ronan to be here with you again, but we know that cannot be. So instead I hope that amazing things keep happening in his honor – looking forward to seeing and hearing what is in the works. Love to all of the Thompsons……

    Reply
  18. L

     /  August 31, 2013

    Love you Maya! I will always, always care for your family. You are a beautiful soul and generous person, I know this because you and Woody have helped my family…thank you for that. Hoping your brother makes his way through his problem.

    I’m seriously excited to see this SpiritHood project / film. And Boo on the White House for not lighting it gold!

    Reply
  19. BB13

     /  September 1, 2013

    Maya,
    You are a strong hearted woman who many people admire. You have touched the lives of many and I can honestly hope for the best I want you to know you are not the only one with a hard month coming up for you. My family reads your blog and hope for the best just like you do. I am so happy you blog and I know Ronan is smiling down on your family and your brother. I’m so thankful for everything and wish you the best this month. keep moving forward Maya.

    Reply
  20. Caroline

     /  September 1, 2013

    Happy September! I know I am excited about spreading the awareness of childhood cancer with everyone I know! Hope you and everything going on in your family is OK. Sending thoughts, prayers and of course RoLove, from Florida!

    Reply
  21. Stacy C.

     /  September 4, 2013

    I don’t know if you read all your comments, but I wanted to share something with you that someone told me recently. DON’T CHANGE WHO YOU ARE FOR ANYONE OR ANYTHING. The universe is a crazy place, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that when you were at one of your lowest places a complete stranger randomly walked up to you and asked for help. It would have been so much easier to turn your back, because let’s face it nothing anyone is going through is worst then losing your child. You didn’t, you cried for them as well as yourself and helped them. That’s what makes you so amazing Maya! You’ve been handed a shitty deck of cards and instead of wallowing in self-pity, you fight! And as angry as you are at times and as much as it would be so much easier to give up and live a life that you can pretend childhood cancer doesn’t exist, you don’t. So as bad as it is now and will be at various times throughout your life…know that the person you are is going to make a difference. You have already. I think you know Ronan is proud of the mama you are, and as much as it sucks and it is absolutely awful that he was taken from you so soon…You were meant to be together. You shared a love for each other that most mothers don’t share with their children in a lifetime. I hope life slows down for a bit for you…but I have a funny feeling it’s going to get busier and gain momentum! I’ll stay tuned…

    Reply

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