All good things are wild and free. Especially in Washington.


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Ronan. We went on our first kind of real vacation without you, since you died. A real vacation meaning a vacation that we had talked about going on while you were alive, but never did so. A vacation that I grew up going on during my summer breaks from school. The one that I always dreamed of taking my 3 boys on, when they were old enough. We always put it off because “Ronan is too young and I’m scared that he won’t listen to me and will die by jumping off the side of the yacht. We can take him when he’s 4 or 5, but not now.” Not now sucks balls and I should have, would have could have because guess what?!  I got to have you die not from having the time of your life by jumping off the side of our boat but from cancer instead. Lucky me, lucky you. This will always be one of my biggest regrets in life, the not taking you on this trip because you were too wild and crazy. We would have had the best wild and crazy time together, Ronan and I will always be sorry about this.

 
So, to the San Juan Islands in Washington we went. With your Nana, Papa Jim, my step-sister, her husband, their daughter, your daddy, brothers and Poppy girl. Your Papa Jim has been so excited for this vacation and has been talking about taking you all on it for years. It was definitely one of his dreams to do so during his life. Before he gets too old and can no longer navigate and drive the boat. We just spent the most beautiful week all together in the open seas, going from harbor to harbor. We made our way all around the islands and even up to Canada. The weather cooperated perfectly for me as most of the days were cool and a little dark and rainy. It was almost the perfect vacation. You were the only thing missing from the perfection of it all. Your brothers had a blast doing all the nature/ocean things that we don’t really get to do living in Arizona. We caught our own crabs for dinners, played in the fresh, cool air, Quinn drove the little dingy about in the ocean and laughed as he went faster and faster with your Papa Jim right by his side. There were card games, stories galore, catching and releasing sea creatures, beautiful family time. It was a vacation that you would have went crazy for. I tried to handle it all as gracefully as I could and I didn’t even feel the urge to throw myself off of the boat and into the choppy ocean seas. Poppy was a dream and barely made a peep except when she decided to grace us all with her coos and smiles. This vacation meant so much to all of us, but most of all to your Papa Jim and I’m so glad we got to do this with him. There are not too many 70-year-old Papas that can drive a huge boat through the middle of the islands and not blink an eye. It is something I know your brothers will remember forever and that means so much to me. Our vacation is over but we will spent the rest of the summer at your Nana and Papa’s house while your daddy goes back and forth between here and Arizona. Our first real trip without you is over and I am sad, but only because it was a trip that we never got to take you on. That just goes to show, you should never put things off because you never know how short one’s life really will be. . I’ll never be able to take you on a trip that you should have went on and the only reason I got through that trip was because of your sister. Because every time I got sad I just looked down at her and told myself that a part of you was there, with us. I didn’t really let your Poppy sister out of my sight and there is a good reason behind all of that. I don’t think I could have done that trip, without her much like I don’t think I would be able to do this life if it weren’t for her. She has brought back little pieces of you everywhere.
 
Tomorrow, Macy is flying in to spend some time with us while your Daddy leaves. Everyone, including your Nana and Papa are excited about that. My friend, Robyn, Ezra’s mom, is coming down to stay for a day as well as she is visiting her family up in the Seattle area. I’m so lucky to have the kind of parent’s who are so happy to welcome all of my friends into their lives and their house, like they are part of our family. They never act inconvenienced or put out and they always welcome my friends with open arms. I am so lucky in that regard. I know I will do the same for my boys and your sister when the time comes. I am so lucky to have the friends that I do. Especially that Macy of yours that will drop everything at the drop of a hat to swoop in and come to Washington just because I ask her to. I’m sure your Poppy sister had a little something to do with that as Macy can’t take going too long without seeing her. It will be so wonderful to have her here.
 
Ronan. I started this a few nights ago. I’m sorry I haven’t written. Macy is here and has been for a few days. It is because of this that I know for the time being, I will be o.k. She makes everything better. Tomorrow, we are meeting Paxton’s mama who flew in to spent the year anniversary of her baby boys death with me. I know I don’t know her, but I am going to try my hardest to help her through tomorrow. She took a chance on me and I am going to do my best even though most of the time, I have not a clue as to what I am doing. All I know is you would want me to help her. Isn’t that what I am left her for? To help others when I can? I’m sick about tomorrow and for what’s to come. I spoke to her tonight and told her I don’t know how, but we will get her through tomorrow. Please help us with this little man. Let Paxton’s mommy feel him all around us. We’ll need it so much to get her through the hell of a day that it’s going to be. I love you, Ronan.
 
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
 
xoxo
 
P.S. Fuck you cancer. You are still the biggest asshole I know. I am so sad and mad and heartbroken for tomorrow, the day that took Paxton away from his family. A sweet, innocent baby. Nobody can ever justify or make sense of ANY OF THIS. Ever.
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18 Comments

  1. Rosanna

     /  July 2, 2013

    You are a beautiful person Maya…your words are inspirational. sometimes we as parents in the midst of our busy lives and routine…need that reminder to stop and treAsure each momentvwith our children and family…thank you for this.

    Reply
  2. ashley

     /  July 2, 2013

    How special to have such amazing woman together in one place….all because of their amazing boys ♥ Poppy is wonderful and I love all your pics on Instagram! My heart hurts for you woman this week. Have as much fun as possible! Kiss that Poppy girl for me!

    Reply
  3. Amy

     /  July 2, 2013

    We are all here for Paxton’s mom. Sending her love from the UK! It’ll be a hard day for her but we are all loving you and supporting you all. Xx

    Reply
  4. It sounds like such an amazing, special trip. It is so fucked up that Ronan wasn’t there….FUC. But I’m glad Miss Poppy was able to brighten everything in the special way that only she can. You truly inspire me to live every day to the fullest. Thank you

    Reply
  5. FU Cancer!! Thinking of you, Ronan, Paxton and his mom extra today. There are no steps to getting through 1st anniversaries of your child/children’s death but I do think that just being with you will help Paxton’s mom get through the day. Seeing other parents live in this world without their child/children has helped me get through my darkest days. Thank you from me too Maya.

    So glad that family and friends are with you through all the bittersweetness. Sending hugs and hope and another giant FU cancer!!

    Reply
  6. Beth

     /  July 2, 2013

    The San Juan islands are one of my favorite places in the world. I lived in Washington for a couple of years and I miss it so much. Wonderful memories. I’m glad that you went there with your family. And I really think that Ronan was there.

    Reply
  7. Keri Fredrickson

     /  July 2, 2013

    Maya,
    You are an amazing person. I think you have your own heart plus Ronan’s. Somehow his heart and soul stayed with you. I don’t know you, but I am proud of you. I do believe Ronan knows what you are doing and is proud to have you as his mama. Paxton’s mommy came to the right person. You would be an amazing therapist. You unfortunately can say that you truly understand how these people feel. Cancer really does suck Shit!!

    Reply
  8. Daniella

     /  July 2, 2013

    I’m so happy that you got to spend some time in the San Juans (as a NW girl myself – I truly think they are a magical place, I really feel like I can breathe there). At the same time I’m so sad that Ronan was not with you – it’s awful.

    Your writting, honesty and bravery continues to impress and inspire me.

    Sending you NW love while you are here taking it all in.
    -Daniella

    Reply
  9. RoMama,

    Thinking of you as you help Paxton’s mom on his first anniversary.

    Fucancer !!!!

    Rolove always!!! I’m so happy you’re enjoying your vacation with your mom & dad! Family forever! XO

    Reply
  10. I’m so glad that you and your wonderful family got the chance to have a lovely vacation and that Poppy was there to stop you from throwing yourself off the boat- I don’t want to hear of another death on this blog…

    I hate how cancer targets the most loving, caring families-nobody deserves it :(

    Reply
  11. Simone

     /  July 2, 2013

    Maya
    You are awesome, Ronan is awesome. I prayed everyday Poppy would be perfect for you. I am beyond thrilled that Ronan sent her to you. The pain of losing a child never goes away, you just finally get to a point where you realize you don’t cry every minute of everyday when everything reminds you of them. Someday you will be there. Thank you for sharing Ronan’s story.
    Simone

    Reply
  12. Hello Maya,
    sending you some major love on a trip I can’t imagine is easy. I was wondering if I can get your email address, I have a few questions I’d like to ask. Please and thank you. :) btw your little pop star is adorable.

    Reply
  13. You are amazing and inspirational maya thompson. I have been looking at your instagram pics from Washington and everything looks so beautiful, especially Poppy.

    Reply
  14. Robin

     /  July 3, 2013

    Maya, thank you for all you do for others. You
    Inspire me to be a better person. Could I have
    Some good Maya vibes for Friday? I am going
    To a funeral of my friends 5 year old little boy,
    Named Oliver. Like you, Oliver had 2 older brothers, Owen and Charlie. Oliver was diagnosed with leukemia in Dec. The treatment was supposed to cure him, but
    Now he is dead. I’m so so sad! FUCANCER !!

    Reply
  15. Lovely vacation. Family bonding is the best.
    I know it was bitter sweet for you. Probably for all of you.
    Hope Paxton’s mom made it past the worst day for her. Very sweet of you to help her through it.

    Reply
  16. Sam

     /  July 7, 2013

    Hey, it’s not crabbing season up here yet! (wink wink)… I won’t ask any questions, really. I live on Orcas and spend time on Waldron. Next time you are up here (and open for visiting), let me know and maybe we could show you around Waldron, where my husband grew up. Actually, Im a very OLD friend/acquaintance of Woody’s– we went to Jr, High together. So nice to hear you guys had a great trip up here. It is indeed magical. You are in my heart, always.

    Reply
  17. Kate Abbott

     /  July 7, 2013

    Just read your story, came upon while folowing Talia. Lots of tears for you here, its fucked up.
    Another mom

    Reply
  18. Sofie

     /  July 8, 2013

    I agree! Fuck u cancer! Fuck u u fucking fuck! You have taken enough of my loved ones.

    Reply

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