I love your Poppy sister to the moon and back.


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Ronan. Sometimes I just sit here at this computer screen, wondering what to write because the only words I can think of are… I just miss you so much. That’s it. I just miss you so much plays over and over in my head like a broken record that I will never turn off. Tonight, I guess I have a little story for you that is mostly about your sister. I’m not going to lie, Ronan. I was a little unsure of how things would be once she got her. All of my usual doubts filled my head. The thousands of questions. Will I be able to love her enough? Will she love me as much as Ronan did? Can I still be a good mom? Am I worthy of loving another child? What if we don’t connect, bond, etc… What if I am still so numb, that I feel nothing? Am I betraying Ronan? Would he be mad or sad or jealous? Am I hurting his feelings by having another baby and loving it? The things I worried about in my head seemed to be never-ending and oh so dramatic, but they were my real life thoughts about all of this.

Then that day came that your sister was placed in my arms. I can honestly tell you that I was so overcome with so many different feelings, that it was hard for me to feel a thing. So I just stared at her while she stared at me. The first thing I whispered in her ear was something like, “Ronan loves you.” Then my mommy mode adrenaline rush of I can do it all kicked in. So it was a constant stream of auto pilot everything. Feed baby. Change baby. Sleep baby. Tend to mama just pushed out a baby war wounds. Eat mama. Sleep mama. Drink mama. Shower mama. While taking care of other kids, laundry, people wanting to meet her, phone calls, emails, a few blog posts, foundation things, don’t forget to grieve mama, the questions of “how are you really doing from my friends and family seemed constant. But with all that adrenaline rushing, I was able to keep a safe distance away from really feeling that deep connection with your Poppy sister. Oh, I knew I loved her, but I had been keeping myself so busy as if to not let myself fall in over my head. My guard was still up I guess you could say. My mind was still trying to go to that place of don’t get too attached, in case something happens. So, I guess you could say at first, I was dating Poppy in a way. Testing her out to see how things were going to go.

I’ve spent the past few weeks, slowing everything down. I’ve spent the past few weeks, letting myself and my relationship with Poppy unfold a little more. We spend much of our days, sitting quietly. Her constant need to be fed has helped us to bond. We do everything together. I can’t even put her down in her crib to sleep, so she has been sleeping in our bed. For as slowly as I’ve watch things unfold, I can’t stand the thought of being separated from her. I talk to her a lot, even when she is sleeping. My favorite part of the day is when I lay her down to be changed and she just stares at the big picture we have of you in her room and while she is staring, she smiles at it from ear to ear. She’s been doing this from really early on, when babies aren’t supposed to smile at all. She started this at about 2 weeks when babies are supposed to be blind as a bat. I watch her and say things like, “Is Ronan telling you secrets again?” I scoop her back up, rock her and then sometimes look down at her and think to myself, “Are you really Ronan? Because if you are not, I had no idea I would be able to feel this way again. This close and this strongly connected to a new baby after losing my everything. Either you are Ronan or Ronan sent you because he could not take how sad I was anymore. He sent you to try to help fix my heart and soul. He could not have picked a more perfect baby girl to heal my heart.”

The past few days, I’ve felt nothing but this euphoric happiness. Happiness that has only come because of your sister. I see it through everybody, but it’s through myself that I can actually feel it. I am not dating Poppy anymore. We are full on in a crazy, love affair, forever will be married, marriage that I am over the moon about. I without a doubt know, none of us could have really survived this life and lived this life in the way we should be living it, if it were not for your sister being born. Everything has shifted in such a good way. The energy in our house has changed. I’m getting more of those beautiful moments in life that I often talk about from the simplest things. Beautiful moments seem to be everywhere I look, Ronan. I am no longer fighting them or scared of them. I feel so lucky and blessed and this is all due to this gift you have given us which is her.

Dr. Sholler has been in town and you know I am always crazy happy when she is here. Your daddy, Poppy and I picked her up from the airport on Sunday. Before she got in our car, she sent me a text. “Can we hike?!” I laughed out loud. I said to your daddy, “Giselle wants me to take her inferno hiking. She is such a badass.” I told her of course we could. Your daddy said to me, “Are you sure about that? Did you tell her how you almost killed your intern, inferno hiking?” I told him to hush, that she didn’t need to know that. I did warn Dr. Sholler that it was going to be hot, but she was totally game. I was feeding Poppy in the backseat of the car when she arrived. Your daddy parked and went to walk to get her. As soon as she got in the front seat, she scooped up your sister into her arms so she could hold and love on her. I was blown away. Watching the two of them meet was something that will stay in my mind forever. They sat and stared at each other for a long time and Dr. Sholler was such a natural with your sister in her arms. That’s what makes her so different from other doctors, Ronan. She doesn’t have that compassionate chip missing, for being such a bloody freaking genius that a lot of people do. She doesn’t have a fucking ego or agenda. She cares so much not only about her patients, but the family’s as well. Even the one’s with the dead kids. That is so beyond rare. She is such an anomaly in this world. She is my hero and I am so proud to be a part of the things she is doing and will be doing in the future for these kids fighting Neuroblastoma. I will forever be sorry that we didn’t find her sooner.

I took Dr. Sholler hiking. We talked a lot about cancer things, but other things as well. I asked her the million dollar question which was, “What do I need to do to make sure Poppy doesn’t have cancer?” I said, “Do I do nothing and just trust in the Universe that completely screwed me over? Do I start having her urine tested? Do I get her blood tested? Scanned? Please, just tell me.” We talked about how a urine test after 2 would be a non invasive way to just make sure everything is o.k., but ultimately Dr. Sholler wants me to just trust in you. She told me that your sister is fine and is going to be fine. I tried my best to listen and trust in that, but it’s really hard to do so when your entire world has been shattered. Fast forward to today to prove my point on that.

I fed Poppy this morning. I burped her after. I set her in her bouncy so I could pack Liam and Quinn’s lunches. I heard Poppy coughing a bit so I picked her up. Bright yellow vomit/spit up goes flying all over my shirt, not once, not twice, but three times. I go into show your daddy. I see Poppy looking a little pale. In my mind I’m freaking out and everything in me is screaming, “SHE HAS CANCER!” Your daddy makes light of it. I do not. I text our pediatrician. She texts me right back and says it’s probably curdled milk, but if I want she will check her out and feel her tummy. I of course, ask her to make me an appointment to bring her in. So, I sit and wait at home for our appointment. My mind goes to all of those awful places while the tears pour down my cheeks. This is my life now. This will always be my life now. I’ll never escape this world where a little thing is just a little thing. A little thing to me, will always mean cancer. I know I have to learn to let some things go, but today, this lesson was lost on me. Today, it was all I could do not to run down to the hospital demanding to have her scanned. Dr. Campbell calmed me down and told me everything it could be, none of it being cancer. She pushed down on her tummy and told me it was soft. She told me your sister is fine. Your sister is fine, Ronan but I will never be fine again. Not when it comes to normal things like yellow spit up, tummy aches, aching muscles, headaches… I will always think the worst. I thanked Dr. Campbell and she told me she would do tummy checks on Poppy everyday if I wanted her to. That she would come by our house even and to text her whenever I was feeling uneasy about something. I smiled and thanked her again. Once again, I am so lucky to have such an amazing doctor who truly cares, taking care of our family.

We are home. I am exhausted from not sleeping well last night. I guess I was also a bit wired from the amazing night I had with Dr. Sholler and some great peeps from T-Gen. I took Poppy with me. She goes everywhere with me and didn’t make a peep. Best baby ever. So many wonderful things are in the works and I am so honored to be able to be surrounded by such amazing people, who share the same dreams and visions as I do. Together, we are going to do extraordinary things.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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27 Comments

  1. Paige

     /  May 21, 2013

    This is such a beautiful thing. I am so sorry that everything seems to be cancer in your head. I can’t blame you. After losing such a beautiful and amazing child, I would be the same way. That’s something you can never get back and I am sorry. You are an inspiration and like you said Dr. Sholler is your hero, well you’re mine.
    Maya, you are a remarkable woman. Strongest one I know. You have no idea who I am, I’m only 14, but I know that you’re my inspiration and I love you. Hope that’s not weird. You and Ronan have inspired me and now I want to to incredible things. I want to do things for the good of others. Not just myself.

    Reply
  2. Mari

     /  May 21, 2013

    I love love that you are “married” to Poppy!! What a beautiful way to describe it! You truly are a gifted and amazing woman! I am thankful to Taylor for bringing your story to the masses…as this is how I found your blog! I have never met you but honestly love you and Ronan forever!! Thank you for continuing to share your life with us and for fighting for Ronan and inspiring us all!! FUcancer! xoxoxoxo!! <3

    Reply
  3. Casie

     /  May 21, 2013

    Poppy is your everything and you have every right to have every little thing checked.
    Sending you… love, strength, peace, understanding and courage from WA !

    Reply
  4. Glenda

     /  May 21, 2013

    Rolove always!!!
    Ropoplove
    XO

    Reply
  5. I seriously cannot express how happy I am for you that Poppy came into your life. She seems like a picture perfect baby and I know Ronan loves her too!

    Reply
  6. Kim Ortega

     /  May 21, 2013

    Is there an address where I can send a little something for the kids?

    With Much Love,

    Kim Ortega http://www.theblanketfairy.com

    Reply
  7. littlebitlaura

     /  May 21, 2013

    I love knowing that Poppy is bringing joy into your world.
    I honestly admire you so very much for moving forward and all the while not forgetting. In my head it just seems really difficult. You are so very strong and really are inspiration.
    I must admit that since finding your blog little belly aches and pains make me worry so much more than they used to. I’ve been told by people that because I read your blog and because I follow other kids with cancer that I’m jinxing myself…that it would be ironic if my kid got cancer. That’s screwed up I know. Why do people feel the need to say things like that.
    I think what I realized is that perhaps I do have a little more worry…although I also think maybe it’s just more awareness and I’m not sorry that I have that. There was a time when lots of babies died from SIDS…image if we hadn’t learned more about it and changed it. It makes me sick to think that anyone could think that thinking about it makes it happen to these poor innocent kids. The other thing I have gained is appreciation of time that I do have. I hug my kids and do things differently…also because I’m aware.
    I don’t get why people want to just make things all better and forget about things…it does no good. But I also know that my anxiety is higher about risks in general…balancing that and still being brave is the ultimate.
    It is hard to love after you have lost someone…it’s more painful and also more beautiful.
    I hope you know how much people care about you and your family…you are a role model on many levels.

    Reply
  8. This is so beautiful. Poppy is truly a gift from Ro, a gift you deserved you so very much. Sending tons of Rolove :)

    Reply
  9. Thank you Maya for all the extraordinary things you do. I am so glad that you have Poppy and that you found Dr. Sholler.

    One of our sons died most likely due to a heart arrhythmia. I would hook up our 5 year old twins to a heart monitor 24/7 if I could. I am so paranoid every time they are sick. I think all parents are to some extent but when you have held your dead child/children the worst does not seem so impossible.

    Sending you hope and hugs. FU Cancer!

    Reply
  10. Its so nice to hear about the joy that your dear Poppy is bringing you!
    xo

    Reply
  11. Love that you are feeling some happiness, Maya! I am “married” to my 6 month old little man, Liam, also :)

    Reply
  12. I commented the other day on your IG account about how your photos have a peace now that they didn’t have before…now i know why. Poppy is a blessing from Ronan, not two ways about it. I never used to believe that there was anything after we die…Ronan has changed that for me because how could all of these beautiful things and people come into your life without a little intervention from a certain spicy little monkey. You inspire me every day. Next year cannot come soon enough – i just want to give you and Poppy a biiiig bug!

    Reply
  13. Maya,
    This is the first time I have posted but I have been reading your blog for about a year now. Although I still go back and read May 9th whenever my toddler is giving me attitude or I have had a bad day, these happier posts are so nice to see! Poppy looks JUST like Ronan, its almost scary! She is so beautiful with her little full lips :) I am engaged to my 4 month old little girl Morgan (haha) but Im sure our wedding will be next week or the week after. I also have a 20 month old son named Brady and was worried that I wouldnt be good enough with two of them so close. Your life just changes and you cope with what happens…….Keep updating us all the time, I love coming on here and seeing a new post pop up!

    Reply
  14. Dear Maya, because of Taylors song im here right now. i just wanted to listen to Ronan before bed. then i thought im gonna check Maya’s blog, well right now im crying my eyes out while writing this and listening to Ronan. i’ve been following you on instagram and twitter since Ronan’s birthday, at Ronan’s birthday most of the Swifties changed their names to Rip Ronan or Happy b-day Ronan. i guess this is all i can say right now.

    I am Renske im 17 years old and i live in Holland.

    Keep us posted and stay strong!

    Lots of Love.
    Renske

    Reply
  15. Hi, Maya….I’m sure the biggest thing Ronan ever wanted is to see you happy…..

    Reply
  16. I know how you feel, I felt like a horrible mother at first because I didn’t have that “motherly bond” with her until she was 4 weeks old. I loved her – but that special something wasn’t there. She was my fourth baby but the only one to come home (the others were born to early or were miscarried). I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop – for her to disappear. Thanks for being so honest with your feelings.

    Reply
  17. Maya, when I heard your story, I thought: omg this is so sad! It must be the worst thing in the world to lose the person you love most. And then, a few months after I started reading your blog, I found out how is this feeling. The love of my life died. 7 months ago. And I still can’t believe. And he even didn’t knew how important he was for me, how much I loved him. Most of the time all I can think is that I’ll die alone, I will never be able to love another person. But then I come here and I can have a little hope.You are so blessed to have this little baby. Even after everything you went through, you can still be happy. I think if you can, I can too. It’s hard, but I want to believe. Of course we will always miss a big and important part of us. But I want to believe that one day, everything will be fine for me.
    Since the day it all happened, I’m constantly afraid that someone else I love, will die. That something bad will happen. Every time I pick up the road, I am scared, thinking that the same will happen with me and my parents. So I know how you feel when you say you are afraid that Poppy, Liam or Quinn get cancer too. But you know what? That will not happen. They will not get cancer, they will not die, everything will be fine. I also want to believe it! So thank you for giving me hope. You deserve to be happy. Maybe I deserve too.
    PS: Sorry if my english is bad.

    xoxo
    Caroline, from Brazil.

    Reply
  18. I am super stoked to know that Poppy is bringing that big pop of happiness that you so deserve. Ronan would want that for you; a mother that loves, fights, and remembers her children. God bless you.

    Reply
  19. Rachel

     /  May 24, 2013

    I truly admire your strength and honesty. As a Mother of a child with a life threatening disease all the things you write are what we feel on one day or the next but hold it all in and make ourselves sick with all the thoughts that run through our minds daily. Reading your blog made me feel “normal” and validate all the emotions I have…thank you

    Reply
  20. Hi Maya, I don’t know if anyone has told you this yet but I just saw that new animated movie Epic and the hero in it is named Ronan! but that’s not even the end of it, of all things guess what Ronan flies around on… a Hummingbird! Every time I see a hummingbird I think of you and Ronan and I was just thinking that as the movie began and then out of know where they call the guy Ronan, I couldn’t believe it!

    Reply
  21. Hi Maya, I don’t if you have ever read the book The Fault in Our Stars its about these 2 people a boy and a girl and they fall in love. The thing is they both have cancer, well the boy already did and he survived but the Girl still has it and thinks she is going to die. The book is one of my favorites and I think you would enjoy :) Also another book I love is called The Book Thief. If you do read this I really hope you enjoy the book if you do have time to read them :)

    Reply
  22. I found your blog last year, I was pregnant, I started reading every single post… and sometimes I cried. I can imagine how difficult it must be for you…. I mean, I am always afraid that something happens to my baby Violet that I can breathe. I wake up like 10 times at night just to touch her and feel her breathing.
    Your family is lovely and you are such an inspiration to everybody, now with Poppy, Ronan is sending you happiness.
    I hope everything is better now with her, I hope someday I can help your foundation, right now.. I am sharing your posts on my facebook, maybe some friends in the US can help… and maybe some from here (Argentina) will just read.

    Thanks for writing this, and helping other.

    Love,

    Carla

    Reply
  23. Just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you and your family, Maya. Sending you love. and remembering Ro and what really matters….ALWAYS. Do you know how insanely awesome you are? I am sure not. But you are. Really. You are.

    Reply
  24. hello. First of all, I want to say that I think that you are the bravest person in the world, and you are such an incredible person. And Poppy has a great mom to look up to.

    and also, do you know when the petition will be responded to?

    thank you for changing the world <3

    Emily

    Reply
  25. Pearl

     /  June 4, 2013

    I think that miss Poppy is a Rainbow baby

    “Rainbow Babies” is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

    Reply
  26. Good day I am so grateful I found your blog, I really found you by accident, while I was searching on Google for
    something else, Nonetheless I am here now and would just like to say thanks for a tremendous post and a all round exciting blog (I
    also love the theme/design), I don’t have time to go through it all at the moment but I have book-marked it and also added your RSS feeds, so when I have time I will be back to read more, Please do keep up the excellent job.

    Reply

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