2 years makes me want to rip my hair out while screaming for you like the wild animal that I am


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Ronan. I’ve started to write a few times, but I’ve erased everything over and over again. I don’t know how to put into words what this day feels like; almost 2 years without you. Your Poppy sister has been a great distraction. So much so that I find myself missing my grief and my pain. So much so that I feel like I am betraying you by not feeling the intensity of my grief as much as I used to because your Poppy sister makes me feel that peaceful. I knew the 9th was coming, but it’s like I’ve had my head buried in the sand because I’ve been trying my best to hide from it. There is no hiding from this day. It will come no matter how much I beg and I plead for it not to. Everybody that knows us, knows what this day brings and those who have forgotten, well what can I say?? Life goes on for them, right? Of course it does. Or as the French say, “C’est la via. Those closest to our hearts are here with us on the day of hell in one way or another. Those closet to our hearts, know how hard this day is for us and are kind enough to acknowledge it. It means so much to me that they do. And those beautiful strangers, Ro. Wow. Oh so beautiful indeed. You would not believe the outpouring amounts of cards, emails, tweets, texts, Facebook messages, etc… that I am receiving. With each and every single one, the tears fall down my face. Love and tears, love and tears, so much love and tears, Ronan. So many beautiful souls are being guided and changed, all for the better. All because of you, the most beautiful little boy to ever walk the planet. Bittersweet beauty I call it. So very bittersweet which you know is the theme of this life I’m now left behind in.

Yesterday was when it really hit me that your 2 year death day was approaching. I went to see your Sparkly before we left town. We sat and I think I looked like a deer in headlights for much of our time together. So much so that at one point I had forgotten for a split second that it was the month of May as I refered to something that was supposed to be happening, to happening in April.

“Sweetheart, it’s May. If that was supposed to happen in April, you need to check up on that,” he said to me while my eyes filled with tears.

Even though I knew it was May, for a split second it slipped my mind because that’s how much I did not want this month, to happen. Seems silly right? I mean, no matter what month it is, you are dead. Nothing can change that or bring you back, even if we could fast forward through this month entirely.

I just looked at the floor. I then looked back up at him.

“2 years, 2 years, 2 years. How can that be already?”

He gave me some smart ass answer to try to make me laugh. I kicked his foot in protest and when he saw that his little wise crack was not going to work, he went into something more serious. Something about my pain and how my pain is never going to go away, but look at all the good I am choosing to do with this pain. How I could have done nothing or even worse, I could have let this pain ruin my life, but I chose the opposite. It was the best pep talk he could give me 2 days before your Deathiversary. We sat a little longer and stared at your sister while catching up on other life things. Right before I left he looked at me and said, “He is o.k. I promise you that.”
I said to him, “How do you know?” “You just have to trust me. I know,” he said. I did what I always do which is made him promise me again. He did. I know he believes this. I believe him, but it still does not take away any of my worry over you. I will forever worry about you, Ronan. I worry about you so much and I don’t think that will ever go away. I am your mother. I will worry about you for the rest of my life even though you are not here on this earth. It’s part of what makes me forever your mom.

We left town. Had to leave town as being in Phoenix tomorrow on the day you died is not anywhere I ever want to be on this horrific day. My idea of putting us all on a plane to Ireland didn’t happen due to not wanting to compromise your Poppy’s sisters non-existent immune system. We drove up to Sedona instead. We spent some time with Dr. JoRo. She bought you a “We miss Ronan,” cake. Please tell me what other therapist in the world would have done something as thoughtful as that, Ronan? I’ll bet you a big fat NO OTHER THERAPIST IN THE WORLD. She is truly amazing and I will forever tell you thank you for her. The world needs 10,000 more of her on the planet. We will spend tomorrow together as a family missing you so much. I will try my best not to reenact the end scene from, “Thelma and Louise,” where they drive off a cliff together. I think your Poppy sister is too young to be my sidekick for that adventure. We will go and throw some rocks over a cliff instead or do something a little more safe but totally dangerous too in a PG-13 kind of way. Please just help me get through the day, o.k.?

This is all I can write tonight. Did I even make sense? I haven’t slept much so sorry if my thoughts are not flowing very well. This was the best I could do tonight through a heavy heart and blood-shot eyes. I miss you so much.

G’nite baby doll. 3:25 a.m. when you took your last breaths will be here soon enough. I’ll be up of course, screaming and crying for you as silently as possible as not to wake up your daddy, brothers or sister. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

P.S. I’ve also decided that tomorrow is National F U Cancer Day. It will never be the day you flew off to go be an angel or went home to where you belong. Fuck that shit. You belong here with me and anybody that says otherwise is a douchebag idiot. Tomorrow is an asshole of a day, thanks to that bigger asshole named cancer so there it is, May 9th National F U Cancer Day. Thanks for killing the love of my life and so many other innocent victims. I will be giving you my best middle finger tomorrow painted extra purple and sparkly just for you, Ro.

As your Mr. Sparky Eyes would say, FUC. I couldn’t agree more.

 

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136 Comments

  1. Lea

     /  May 8, 2013

    I’m sorry.

    Reply
  2. F U cancer…..F U and every other child killing disease out there….. You take our babies and make us miserable for the rest of our lives….although he is in a good place no doubt about him being with you a much better place……
    I’m sorry about the hand you’ve been dealt Maya….I truly don’t ever wish this upon anyone…..not even on someone I don’t like

    Vanessa

    Reply
  3. gendissw

     /  May 8, 2013

    National F U Cancer Day. couldnt agree more. we love you, maya. we love you, ronan. we really do. F cancer

    Reply
  4. Thinking of you lots this week x

    Reply
  5. Jade

     /  May 8, 2013

    Rest In Peace Sweet Little Ronan<3 My prayers are with you, Maya and your family. God bless.

    Reply
  6. Glenda

     /  May 8, 2013

    Romana
    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ronan
    Always rolove
    Xoxo
    And a big fuck u cancer!!!!

    Reply
  7. Yvonne

     /  May 8, 2013

    Dearest RoMama,
    to be honest I don’t know what to say, it makes me so sad and angry that you lost the love of your life. My thoughts are with all of you during the whole day. Meanwhile I’m thinking of you so very often, you touch my heart and soul with your endless love and strength of a loving Mum. You are amazing and there is no doubt that you and your wonderful family will manage to come through that hard month – with all your love and amazing people around you.
    Wishing you so much strength and support the fact of the 9th being national FUC Day so much, as well here in Germany. Each person that dies of cancer is one person too much!

    A lot of strength for all of you. My thoughts are with you!!!

    Yvonne

    Reply
  8. No words today, Mama…just love…and a big FUCK YOU to cancer.

    Reply
  9. It just turned Fuck You Cancer day here on west coast. My heart is breaking for you and your family even more than it does on a regular day. You, Ronan, and the rest of your family are so loved by so many who you will probably never ever meet.

    Reply
  10. It just turned Fuck You Cancer day here on the west coast. My heart is breaking for you and your family even more than it does on a regular day. You, Ronan, and the rest of your family are so loved by so many who you will probably never ever meet.

    Reply
  11. What a beautiful picture of a perfect mom and her perfect son. Thinking of you and your family today and always.

    Reply
  12. Allison

     /  May 9, 2013

    Maya, a day like today is one that makes my heart ache. And Ronan wasn’t even my little gem, he was yours. I’m so very sorry. My heart is so heavy tonight, for you, for Ronan baby, and for all the other little ones that left us too soon. I have no more words for you. I wish I did. But I know the sadness you feel will last forever. I hope you find some peace today, I will be thinking about you and Ronan.

    Fuck you cancer. I hate you.

    Reply
  13. Ellie

     /  May 9, 2013

    I’m so sorry <3

    Reply
  14. Monica

     /  May 9, 2013

    First of I’m so very sorry for the lost of your
    Baby boy ronan,
    U don’t know me and I don’t know u but
    Some how some were I found your blog
    I was googling taylor swift songs and came up on the screen song called ‘Ronan’
    I didn’t hit play just yet
    Instead I read all your blog intries
    Dating back to when he passed
    I swear to god I stood up crying all nite long and though out to day
    I cried for ronan I cried for you but most of all I cried becuase for two years your heart is still breaking even with the joy of a new baby lil miss poppy I cried and remembered u through outbtoday for the simple fact that u still somehow some god givin way u find strength to carry on and that is why I fell like last night i met stranger that my heart will ache for from now on I finally hit play a lil while on the song omg again I’m sorry about ronan.. What your still doing is amazing
    Iam in awe from u
    Keep it up one day one day very sooner then we think you will find a true cure for this horrible beast called cancer that preys on beauty innocent children.. God be with I’m praying u make it ok with today not good nobody will ever be good on a day of today

    Reply
  15. Dear Cancer,

    Fuck you. You are an asshole. Thanks for nothing at all.

    With hate,
    Everyone

    Reply
  16. Natalie Slone

     /  May 9, 2013

    I will be wearing my Rockstar Ronan shirt ans my bracelets…fuck you, douche fuck cancer!!!!

    Reply
  17. May 9th National F U Cancer Day. Is official!! Take care dear Maya. We are all with you today…
    Love,
    G

    Reply
  18. AidensMommie

     /  May 9, 2013

    I love you Maya. Got my fight like rockstar bracelets on like I always do. I wear them proudly! I think about you and Ro all the time, but today especially. I know its excruciatingly difficult but were all here for you love.

    Always,
    AidensMommie

    Reply
  19. ash

     /  May 9, 2013

    I’m so sorry. Please know that though none of us will ever know your pain, there are many of us who will be there virtually at 325 crying for you, for Ro and your family and with you and flicking off Cancer and all of its fucked up tentacles. So much roppy love

    Reply
  20. ash

     /  May 9, 2013

    And there’s no way that feeling peaceful is a betrayal. I truly believe Ro had a hand in getting her to you. I’m sure hes desperate to comfort you in his own way that way, to ease you the way you long to with him. I’m sure that sounds crazy, but its what my instinct screams at me.

    Reply
  21. Chloé Hurt

     /  May 9, 2013

    ** May 9th, INTERNATIONAL F U Cancer Day. We are all here for you and your beautiful family Maya. Everywhere around the world. xx

    P.s. Fuck you cancer.

    Reply
  22. Miss L

     /  May 9, 2013

    Tears & prays for you Maya it is a day you will never forget. It is also a day I think many will not forget. We all have been touched by Ronan a very special little man how can people forget. Thank you for sharing him with us. Love Laura from Syd. Xxxx

    Reply
  23. Lucy

     /  May 9, 2013

    Maya.
    I have been reading your blog for a while now and I keep thinking to myself…I’m never coming back to this site. EVER. Not because of you, or your writing but because everytime I read your letters to Ronan, I start crying like a maniac. Its just so sad. And so fucking unfair. I don’t know what to say to make you feel better. There is nothing I can do except spread the word and let people know. Let people know about you and your so so so very beautiful and brave son, who has touched the hearts of all of us. I pray that – as time goes on – you and your family will heal more, but – like you said – you will always be Ronans mommy and you will always worry about him. I can NOT ever feel how you feel or even begin to fathom what you’ve been through as I have a healthy child. And I pray it stays that way. My heart breaks for you. But know, that with every day that passes, every second that goes by and every minute you miss your boy, we are with you. In our hearts we are connected, no matter the distance. Much love all the way from Austria from me and my son Max. We love you and we love Ronan. Fuck you cancer, I hope YOU die.

    Lucy

    Reply
  24. Cathy Estrada

     /  May 9, 2013

    Your strength amazes me. My thoughts and love will be with you , Woody and the kids today as everyday.

    Reply
  25. Helena

     /  May 9, 2013

    I really don’t know what to say other than I’m thinking about you and I’m crying reading your blog cause nobody should have to miss somebody. I miss my daddy, he had cancer too. I think it’s really cool you made May 9th National F U cancer day. You’re a really strong person Maya and we will love Ronan forever.
    xxx

    Reply
  26. derek

     /  May 9, 2013

    So so so sorry,i have no words,me and my three boys will light candle tonight at 9pm here in Ireland and put it in our window,for a truly amazing inspiring boy

    Reply
  27. Lesley

     /  May 9, 2013

    You and your family are my thoughts today. F U Cancer!

    Reply
  28. Maya, you’re really a beautiful person and Ronan is so lucky to have a mama like you. Keep fighting the good fight against the cancer beast. Although I never met Ronan, I know that he loves you and that he is so proud of you! Your blog inspires me with all your insightful words. I know that today is a horrible day for you, so I am sending you my best wishes. Keep on being that amazing Mama that you are and remember that Ronan loves you :)

    On Thursday, May 9, 2013, ROCKSTAR RONAN wrote: > rockstarronan posted: ” Ronan. I’ve started to write a few times, but I’ve erased everything over and over again. I don’t know how to put into words what this day feels like; almost 2 years without you. Your Poppy sister has been a great distrac” >

    Reply
  29. Chloe

     /  May 9, 2013

    Never feel guilty for feeling a little happiness, Maya. I know you will anyways but you know Ro would want you to be happy. All of your grief and sadness is still in your heart, there’s just even more love in there from Poppy. Poppy love is different than Ronan love, but it’s still just as wonderful.

    I’m so sorry, this will never be ok. Today my tears are for you and for Ro. It’s raining here after a week of beautiful sunshine. I hear ya, Ro. Love you both to the moon and back. xox

    Reply
  30. Kate

     /  May 9, 2013

    I’m so so very sorry. Will be thinking of your family today

    Reply
  31. Nicole

     /  May 9, 2013

    I will be thinking of you and Ronan all day today. I’m so very sorry that you have to go through this. Fuck You Cancer!

    Reply
  32. Emma

     /  May 9, 2013

    So sorry Mamamaya … so so sorry ! Ronan is in our heart forever …
    Your really the strongest mum ! We love you and we love Ronan.

    Not dear cancer,
    I hate you, FUCK YOUU

    Reply
  33. Meg

     /  May 9, 2013

    Im sorry for what happened to ur family and Ronan. May 9 2011=WORST DAY EVER.
    We miss you ronan! <3

    Reply
  34. marilyn benjamin

     /  May 9, 2013

    Maya, Woody and family
    Thinking of you all today with a heavy heart-thinking of Ronan-your beautiful boy who lives on in spite of fu cancer!! You didn’t ask to be remarkable but for me Maya, you are-I hold you all in my heart–marilyn

    Reply
  35. I’ve learned Love conquers all. I also admit I hate cancer, every single moment of it. Starting with the diagnosis to the cures. The only solace I can find after losing the ones I love to cancer is…they no longer feel pain or sickness. I have cursed it, screamed, thrown tantrums and hated every doctor who promised a “cure”. Today I honor Ronan for his fight and his strength to endure the treatments. I never met him, but I instantly fell in love with him. Wishing you and your family love and strength today. I think about Poppy’s little dimple often and smile, knowing Ronan is doing the same.

    Reply
  36. Crystal

     /  May 9, 2013

    My heart will be forever broken for you. You and Ronan mean so much. I know it won’t ever get any easier so I’m not going to write bulshit hopes that it will get easier, just know that I (along with a lot more others) admire you soooo so much.
    Love

    Reply
  37. Mary anne

     /  May 9, 2013

    Maya- I’m so very sorry for this dreadful day that you have to endure…I’m even sorrier that Ronan isn’t here (where he belongs)–safe in your arms and with his family. I couldn’t agree more with all those stupid sayings that you (and now me) have come to hate so much. No matter what a person’s faith may be, a child would always want to be with their mama. I adore you and your pure heart. And 100% agree with National FUCK YOU CANCER day! Sending lots of RoLove your way. Congratulations on beautiful Poppy girl, what a gift. I have one of the blue RoLovies tank tops…and wear it often. No one in coastal NC has a clue what that means probably but I do and wear it with pride and honor to have been so deeply touched by Ronan, the most beautiful lil boy to walk this earth. I’ll be thinking of your family especially today (and this dreadful month)… As I have since I first read his story and fell deeply in love with those blue eyes:)

    xo~

    Mary Anne

    Reply
  38. Noah's grandma

     /  May 9, 2013

    ))))OH OH RONAN((((
    Missed…loved….missed…loved…every minute…every minute
    ((((HUGS to YOU ALL))))
    XO Noah’s grandma

    Reply
  39. Courtenay Nichols

     /  May 9, 2013

    Thinking of you and your family today and every day. Hang in there…xoxo

    Reply
  40. So glad that you got out of town for national Fuck You Cancer day! No matter where you are and what day it is you will always miss Ronan but some days and some places are jus harder.

    Bittersweet has been the word I have used to describe my life as well. After burying 2 sons but still having twins to take care of during this life there is no other way to describe it – it is just bittersweet.

    Sending you hope, hugs and a extra big Fuck You Cancer!!

    Reply
  41. Suse

     /  May 9, 2013

    Thinking of you today… with love…

    Reply
  42. andrea

     /  May 9, 2013

    Maya–phewwww!!!! We will be standing or sitting right with you giving it the big FUCK you too!!!

    Reply
  43. Karen

     /  May 9, 2013

    FU CANCER!!!!!
    Maya, you and Ro have touched so many – our hearts are with you today ((((hugs))))

    Reply
  44. Lidia Giubilaro

     /  May 9, 2013

    Maya, I am sitting at my breakfast table with my 2 young boys reading your most previous blog an tears stream down my face. I just want you to know that no day goes in that you and Ronan don’t cross my mind. You guys are apart of my life forever. I am forever grateful to kn

    Reply
  45. Lidia Giubilaro

     /  May 9, 2013

    I am forever grateful to know your story. You have touched my life forever. I love you and your beautiful family. Always thinking of you in whatever I do:) xx

    Reply
  46. Chelsea

     /  May 9, 2013

    National Fuck you cancer day…. I couldn’t agree more with this sentiment. My thoughts have been with you this whole week. 2 years is bullshit, he should be here. Sending you tons of Rolove

    Reply
  47. Hannah Lowe

     /  May 9, 2013

    My thoughts are with you and your family today. I am so sorry. Fuck you cancer you absolute twat.

    Reply
  48. Samantha Romero

     /  May 9, 2013

    F U Cancer day!!!! Sending love, hugs, and prayers to you, Maya and your sweet family!!

    Reply
  49. Jenn

     /  May 9, 2013

    Love you Maya. FUC…I’m sorry.

    Reply
  50. I have my purple on along with my Fuck You Cancer bracelet! Sending love to you all today.

    Reply
  51. Lisa

     /  May 9, 2013

    Love to all of you today. I wish this was not your reality. FUCK CANCER. Ronan always Ronan.

    Reply
  52. Sara Maurer

     /  May 9, 2013

    F U CANCER! Thinking of you all today…and always. I am hoping today you feel your spicy monkey ever so close. Lots of hugs and love to you.

    Ronan will NEVER be forgotten.

    Take care today. I am so very sorry.

    love,

    Sara ♥

    Reply
  53. Michelle H.

     /  May 9, 2013

    Thinking of you today so much. I truly cannot believe it’s been 2 years. You have given me such perspective, I feel selfish for gaining something through your loss. Know that I will do my best to honor Ronan’s memory and your loss through my actions, both today, on this fuckversary, and every day that follows. My love and prayers go with you ❤

    Reply
  54. Ashleigh

     /  May 9, 2013

    Maya, I am so sorry…. I’ve been sad all week thinking about what today means for you and for your family. You’re right, today is FU cancer day. Because it took away a beautiful light in this world that can never be replaced. I never had the privilege of getting to know Ronan while he was alive, but I’ve gone back an read most of your old posts, and I fell so deeply in love, it was ridiculous. How can you love someone you never met? I’m not sure, but I’m greatful. Ro has made me a better person, and I make an effort not to complain and to be a better person every single day. Thank you for sharing your spicy monkey boy with me, and for fighting like crazy to find a cure for these kids. Much love and lots of hugs! Ashleigh

    Reply
  55. Becki

     /  May 9, 2013

    I wore purple today. FU Cancer.

    Sending all my love to the Thompsons.

    Reply
  56. RobininHouston

     /  May 9, 2013

    I’m so sorry Maya. My heart is broken for you and your family all over again. :-(

    Reply
  57. Sarah Tackett

     /  May 9, 2013

    Maya…. what a beautiful boy…. everyday is FU cancer day.. Took my beautiful blue eyed boy almost 9 years ago…. Sending love and prayers to you and your family… I know my Justin was there to greet Ronan… he always worried about the little ones who were sick… he thought he was grown at 14….. much love for you….

    Reply
  58. Beth

     /  May 9, 2013

    All I have ever wanted for my boys since they have been born is to make a positive impact on this world. That’s what every parent wants. After reading your posts I am always filled with sadness at the unfairness of it all. BUT I am also filled with an insane amount of love for my children. Ronan has made me a much more patient mother. He has touched so many people. He has made a tremendous impact for the better in so many lives. I know you are proud of him as you should be! My boys have been extra spicy today and I know Ronan has something to do with it :) I am so sorry you have to deal with today. We are going to live today for Ronan!

    Reply
  59. Amy C

     /  May 9, 2013

    Gladly celebrating FUC day today and thinking of your family as you continue to miss Ronan. I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy.

    Reply
  60. laura

     /  May 9, 2013

    Maya, Woody, Quinn, Liam, Ronan, Poppy, you are all in my heart and thoughts today and every day. Wishing you the strength to get through today, this week, this month, this year, this life with such a big and important missing piece of all of you. I have had breast cancer myself, and am proud to join you in acknowledging National Fuck You Cancer Day. F
    U CANCER. It’s bad enough that you even exist, but to try to destroy families with your senseless evilness is not right……so FU!

    Reply
  61. Summer

     /  May 9, 2013

    Fuc!!!! I wish I could take your pain away, I wish I could bring your baby back to you!! I wish I could do something for you to make you happy again!! I am so sorry you have to go through this. And I’m sorry Ronan had to go through this. I love your family eve vein though I have never met you all!! I’m sorry :( hugs!!!!

    Reply
  62. Jackie Gamez

     /  May 9, 2013

    <3 Love…lots of love. Big hugs too!

    Reply
  63. S

     /  May 9, 2013

    I’m sorry.

    Reply
  64. Kari

     /  May 9, 2013

    Thanks for sharing Ronan with me and the rest of your followers, he was so very special and beautiful. I’m so sorry that today marks 2 years but I know together you and Ro will change the world and teach that bastard cancer a lesson!

    Reply
  65. cole

     /  May 9, 2013

    Thinking of you guys today. It’s storming here in NYC, a perfect “fuck you” kind of day. Much love you to your beautiful family on this shitty deathiversary.

    xoxo

    Reply
  66. Charee Harrison

     /  May 9, 2013

    I am so so very sorry. FU Cancer, f u!

    Reply
  67. Maya,

    You are not betraying Ro by not letting your grief and sadness overwhelm you all of the time. You know that Ro brought Poppy here to help with this, and his plan is working. You don’t forget, and never could forget, but he is still working miracles in your heart. Your love for Ronan will forever be your fuel to try to kill pediatric cancer, but your little man also wants his mama to be happy from time to time.

    My family continues to hold you, your family, and especially Ro in our thoughts. What an amazing little boy to touch so many people that were never fortunate enough to have ever met him.

    Reply
  68. Dawn

     /  May 9, 2013

    Words are just inadequate and no one truly knows your loss or your pain.
    So I will just say….
    that please know that you and your family are being thought of by so many and I hope that somehow you can feel the love (RoLove) coming you way.
    With all that I am…I am sorry.

    Reply
  69. Michelle Carrera

     /  May 9, 2013

    Sending extra thoughts your way today, Maya. As a new mom myself, your words have really touched me. I’ve spent hours reading your blog, and hoping for the best, even though I knew what would happen. I read your post about Ronan’s last breath one night while rocking my sweet boy to sleep. I couldn’t stop crying and I held him all night while we slept. I follow you on IG now, and smile with each new Poppy pic. She looks so much like Ro!
    I’m sure today, you will be giving Poppy girl extra snuggles. I hope you find peace and comfort with your family today.

    Reply
  70. Bobbie

     /  May 9, 2013

    I have marked it as an annual event on my calendar. I will scream “Fuck you cancer” in Ro’s honor each year! My heart breaks for you always. I can’t even imagine that level of pain but know how it makes me feel when I read your words and that’s heart wrenching.

    Reply
  71. Fuck cancer. Every baby belongs with their mother. My thoughts are with you and your family today and every day.

    Reply
  72. Love to you Maya, *always*
    F U CANCER, F U VERY MUCH

    Reply
  73. Kate Buckley

     /  May 9, 2013

    Maya,
    You and your loved ones are in my heart every day, but especially today. I am so incredibly sorry. F. U. CANCER.

    Reply
  74. Daniella

     /  May 9, 2013

    Oh how my heart hearts. It’s so terrrible, fucking terrible, that Ronan is not with you right this moment. Fuck You Cancer, you fucking asshole. I’m so so sorry Thompson family. Sharing in your anger, sadness and RoLove from WA today.

    Reply
  75. Keila

     /  May 9, 2013

    Maya, Woody, Quinn, Liam, Poppy AND Ronan…. You are all in my hearts and you are all in my prayers. I think of you so often even though you are all complete strangers to me. My words will not ever make you feel better and telling you that I squeeze my son harder won’t do much either, telling you that I wear your bracelet (Fuck You Cancer) when doing something I think “I can’t” won’t either. I also will not tell you that he was “called to be an angel” or that “he is in a better place” becasue that is bullshit!!!

    I will tell you that Ronan has impacted my life. I WISH he hadn’t because then that would mean that none of this awful awful shit took place.

    Praying for peace for your family.

    Reply
  76. Chris

     /  May 9, 2013

    FUCK YOU CANCER! I HATE YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS!

    Reply
  77. Carla Elliott

     /  May 9, 2013

    One year ago this coming June a family I love dearly lost their 4 year old boy. Soon after that I heard Ronan’s song by Taylor Swift. I remember doing the dishes with tears streaming down my face. Just recently I found your blog. I read it for a lot of reasons but one is because it helps my heart feel the weight of the pain they are in a different way then I can simply because I haven’t experienced that kind of loss myself. I’m learning so much from you but mostly I thank you for helping me get more familiar with the pain of loosing your own child and teaching me to not be afraid of it. Your story is helping me stay engaged even though it hurts like hell to see them do anything and everything without him. What I love the most about your spirit is how real you are. THANK YOU FOR BEING REAL! There are so many other things I’m learning about too….like childhood cancer and that I have to do something to change how many young lives it takes away from this earth. I want to be apart of the fight. I need help to know how to help. I hoping to work along side of you in Ronan’s name to change how things are done. For now…for today I wanted to say thank you for being brave and honest and sharing your son with me. Best of luck today….my heart is with you.

    Reply
  78. Today sucks major balls! I like it being national F U Cancer day!! My heart is so heavy, I can only imagine what you’re going through. I think of you and Ro every single day!! I wear my Ronan braclet everyday, it’s become a part of me as much as my wedding ring. We are all here, Maya, here for you, loving Ro. A beautiful boy I’ve never met, yet he changed my life in such a unbelievable way!! I will fight along with you and we WILL change the world of childhood cancer!! We will do this for Ro and all the other kids fighting out there. There are so many kids fighting cancer and they need us!! Don’t know if you guys heard of little Cade from Gilbert AZ. He was rushed to the hospital April 5th diagonosed with cancer and died April 22nd. He died that fucking fast, he was 2 years old, same age as my youngest son. I don’t know what parents who lose their kids go through and I hope I never find out! The pain and anger I already feel for you guys is so tremendous!! I promise I will NEVER stop fighting along your side!! I won’t forget!! Ro you and your mommy have made me a better mommy!! I refuse to let myself be a selfish ass!! I’m lucky and grateful that my kids are healthy, safe and happy. I will never take that for granted!! I agree with you, Maya, Ro should be here with you and his family!! I love you to the moon and back, Ronan!!

    Reply
  79. Christie

     /  May 9, 2013

    Sobbing… Heartbroken for you. Looking at my beautiful three year old lil man whom turns four on Sunday and find myself begging the heavens and universe to please never let me bury one of my children. Especially after watching them go through hell like you did with Ronan. I pray that Poppy keeps giving you the peace you so desperately need. I truly believe she is a gift from Ronan. Thinking of you and your family. And praying for your comfort. Christie

    Reply
  80. Jen

     /  May 9, 2013

    ALWAYS thinking of you and your family Maya, but especially so on this most fucked up day. FUCK YOU CANCER.

    Reply
  81. Cammerine

     /  May 9, 2013

    I cried with you today as I am sure many did. Sending love your way. Just make it through the day, nothing more nothing less. Know that Ronan changed all of us for the better and will never be forgotten! FUC!

    Reply
  82. Ann

     /  May 9, 2013

    XOXO today and always.

    F.U CANCER!!!

    Reply
  83. Cecilia

     /  May 9, 2013

    Maya I just want you to know that you, your family and that beautiful boy Ro are in my thoughts today! FUC!!!!!

    Reply
  84. Phaedra

     /  May 9, 2013

    You and Ro have changed so many lives. Got so many of us out of our poor me selves. Next weekend my friend Marie and I are going to serve dinner to families at the Ronald McDonald House in Ann Arbor, MI. That is because of you. We wanted to give back and help families with sick kids.

    Thank you for sharing your beautiful boy with the world!

    Reply
  85. Ryan

     /  May 9, 2013

    It is raining here in Texas today. As I walked outside it instantly made me think of you and Ronan. I don’t know you and will probably never meet you, but my heart break for you and your entire family. You have chosen to do so much good with this tragedy. I am trying to help in anyway I can.

    F U CANCER!
    Ryan

    Reply
  86. Kiara

     /  May 9, 2013

    your May 9th is my March 25. I hate and dread that day with a passion, it is never a good day, March is never a good month, but I lived through it 21 times and I survived, we are survivors. I wish you a gentle day with your 3 other beautiful babies and your husband, hugs :)

    Reply
  87. Julie

     /  May 9, 2013

    Hugs and lots of LOVE from Canada…

    Reply
  88. Rita Dickinson

     /  May 9, 2013

    My heart hurts so much for all of you. Fuck cancer.

    Reply
  89. Gisela

     /  May 9, 2013

    Maya, it’s raining here in New York. I’m thinking about you and your family. Rolove always… F U Cancer!

    Reply
  90. krispearson88

     /  May 9, 2013

    I agree with Mr. Sparkly Eyes. He IS safe. I also agree with you. You will forever worry. Even if you knew for a fact he was safe, how could you not worry? He isn’t with you. Where he belongs. End of story.
    Thinking of you all. Wearing my purple. Crying my tears for you, and watching Ronan’s rain come down outside my window. I hope it is raining where you are.
    With love always,
    Kris

    Reply
  91. Katie

     /  May 9, 2013

    I’m just so sorry, Maya. I don’t know what your going through but i do know how amazingly strong you are. I hope for a peaceful day for you and your family….and please know that ALL of us that follow you are wrapping our arms around you today and everday.

    When I walked outside this morning, I immediatley thought of Ronan as I walked in the rain to my car…..he is all around, Maya. I truly believe that. Love never dies….

    Big hugs from Massachusetts,
    Kate

    Reply
  92. Dani Kalafat

     /  May 9, 2013

    We are thinking of you this week. Love to you.

    Reply
  93. Carolyn L

     /  May 9, 2013

    My heart is broken for you too, and I think of Ronan every day. Beautiful sweet boy.

    Reply
  94. I never met Ronan, but I wish I had. I thought of him all throughout today, praying for Ronan and you and the rest of your lovely family at the turn of each hour.

    I’ve also had my purple on today, wrote Ronan’s name next to the date in each of my books today at school, drawn moons wherever I could, made him and little picture and posted it on Instagram, listened to Taylor Swift’s ‘Ronan’ on repeat, and I’ve cried my tears today.

    With love to you all, always. <3

    Reply
  95. FU Cancer!!! Wearing purple and sparkly today, for Ronan and all the little Ronans everywhere.

    Reply
  96. Toshia

     /  May 9, 2013

    Thinking of you, Ronan, Poppy, Liam, Quin and Woody on this craphole of a day. F U Cancer indeed.

    Reply
  97. Shannon

     /  May 9, 2013

    I’m so sorry Maya. I have been a “silent” follower of yours until today. Tears are flowing. I simply cannot imagine your pain. And no, this is not the day Ronan became an angel – he should be with you and I am so pissed at CANCER for taking the most beautiful boy away from you. I’m so, so sorry.

    Reply
  98. Allison Leatherwood

     /  May 9, 2013

    I woke up this morning thinking about your family, and crying for you. I am so sorry you and your family have to go through this horror everyday. I sat in church with my little girl during school today and prayed for you, knowing your pain will never go away. I think of your family often and even though I did not know it was possible, squeeze my girl even harder than I normally do. Thank you for sharing Ronan with us.

    Reply
  99. Molly

     /  May 9, 2013

    So sorry for your pain today…but very glad to hear of your peaceful and lovely distraction in your Poppy girl. I am thinking of you today and trying to remember how lucky I am in honor of Ronan. It is a day to honor him and cry, but also a day to laugh and talk about the funny things he did or said. I hope you can do some of that with your family as well. Life is so beautiful and so hard at the same time, how can that be? No answers, just acceptance of both the beauty and the pain is all I’ve got.

    Reply
  100. Stephanie Rivera

     /  May 9, 2013

    So beautifully put Maya !!!! My thoughts and prayers .are always in my heart.Seriously I think about Ronan all the time.He stole my heart the moment I started reading your post.There is not one day that I don’t think abot you and your farmily and Ronan. He is truly one of a kind :-)

    Reply
  101. Elizabeth

     /  May 9, 2013

    My nails are painted Sparkly Purple on National Fuck You Cancer Day! My grandmother just commented on my nails. I told her that they are in honor of a beautiful little baby boy! Then I told her about Ronan. I’m thinking of you, Woody, the twins, and Miss PopStar! I know that the next few days are hard but you’ve got an entire army behind you!

    Reply
  102. Adri

     /  May 9, 2013

    Maya, please declare it International F U Cancer Day. We have to hit it big. :(

    Reply
  103. We are wearing purple today. The whole family. In honor of Ro. Even though I kinda think he is right back with you in Poppy. Love you, Miss. Maya. Keep up the good fight & keep loving on that precious babe of yours.

    Reply
  104. F U cancer!!!!! I have cried many tears today for your little man I never knew but has changed my life. I’m sorry it was Ronan that had to be the one to change the world xxxxx

    Reply
  105. I’m so sorry.

    Reply
  106. Carrie

     /  May 9, 2013

    I’m thinking about you and your beautiful boy Ronan today.

    Reply
  107. Meg

     /  May 9, 2013

    I have been telling my friends all about Ronan.
    So for the tallent show at school, me and my best friend are singing Ronan by taylor swift. Two years. Two years without ronan doesn’t seem right. I’ve been reading this blog since the begining of Ronan’s cancer. No child OR parent should ever have to say good bye to there child forever. I feel so bad for you and your family Maya. F U CANCER

    Reply
  108. Maya I had to share. This morning I woke and some song was coming from my iTunes. I got out of bed showered, whatever…walked back in the room and heard the opening to Ronan start playing on my phone. I just laid back down and listened and cried.
    Then I’m taking my 3 1/2 year old to preschool and he starts talking about Halloween and how he wishes it could be Halloween. Random! I got goose bumps. Then, lastly it rained all day here in Southeast Wisconsin. So Ro was all over my day and I loved it. Thinking of you and spreading the Ro love in all the ways I can.

    Reply
  109. Michell

     /  May 9, 2013

    Thinking of all of you, lots of love!
    FUC

    Reply
  110. Dolly::I wanted to quickly mention that here in the NorthEast, specifically Boston, we haven’t had rain in a few weeks (rare!), but today we are having an awesome thunder & lightning storm. xoxoxoxoxoxo
    & FUCK YOU CANCER…FUCK YOU VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  111. Jaime H.

     /  May 9, 2013

    thinking of you extra today Maya and Woody, too! Its so sad, still heartbreaking as if it were yesterday. We love you! FUC! I’m so sorry. Hope you’re doing as well as can be today. prayers and hugs your way, xoxo he was, is so beautiful!

    Reply
  112. Mia

     /  May 9, 2013

    I walked out into the wildest rain today, and it reminded me of Ronan. It just seemed like the kind of weather he would send us on this awful day. My heart breaks for you Maya and Woody. He is so loved and cherished, and he should be with you. In a way, he still is with you, and that gives me hope. He has sent you Poppy, to bring you peace when he knows you needed it. He brings you rain when you need him close. He is alive in the hearts of thousands of people, each of whom love him dearly. His story can never end, because our love for him never stops growing. I am so sad for Ronan and your family this May. He is never far from my thoughts. Lots of love x

    Reply
  113. Shannon

     /  May 9, 2013

    I’m just so sorry to you and your family.

    Reply
  114. Ashley F.

     /  May 9, 2013

    thinking of you and your family on this very difficult day. you are a wonderful mama and Ronan is proud of everything you do in his honor.

    Reply
  115. jude

     /  May 9, 2013

    I think about you and Ronan often. The two of you inspire me to be a better person.

    Reply
  116. Janaki

     /  May 9, 2013

    Two years without your baby must bring unfathomable pain. I’m so happy that you have Poppy to soothe even the smallest bit of it. Cancer is truly a first-rate asshole.

    I wrote “Rockstar Ronan” on my hand today and was listing to “Ronan” the song as I was riding the bus. As the song played, I noticed a little boy with his mom who looked like he was about 3–chubby cheeks, blond hair, long lashes and a big smile on his face as he jumped all over the seat. I couldn’t help but think maybe it was slightly more than just a coincidence (this is a college bus, after all), especially on today. I think we have to believe your Sparkly when he says Ronan is truly okay. We may not be able to comprehend how–but some things you just have to trust, without all the answers. It doesn’t make it any easier, though.

    I understand just how painful it can be when people try to reason with you that somehow those who leave us too soon are in a “better place”–my cousin drowned this past summer, and afterwards many of my other cousins and aunts and uncles tried to reason that “at least he is in a better place now”. I wanted to scream at them, “A BETTER place? How could he be in a better place? The best place he could possibly be is right here, with all the people who love him so much, living out the life he was supposed to!” Nowhere, including some sort of utopian heaven place, could compare to the place he left.

    Sending lots of love. Fuck cancer. We WILL win this.

    Reply
  117. Michelle from MI

     /  May 9, 2013

    Thinking of you and your beautiful RO today. I am so sorry. F. U. C.

    Reply
  118. katy brockway

     /  May 9, 2013

    Tears in my eyes, been thinking about Ronan, you and your family all day.

    Reply
  119. Sarah

     /  May 9, 2013

    Dear Maya and family,

    i am so sorry your sweet Ronan cannot be there with you tonight. I hope he visits you happy and healthy in your dreams to give you all the love or at least a small slice of it that you so desperately miss and need. I am crying for you and for Ronan, for the impossible beauty of forever love. The love you will forever have for Ronan and he will have for you all, including the amazingly beautiful little sister he sent to help hold you together while his brave fight inspires all of us. It’s not fair, Ronan. You should be here. We need to all get our shit together so that this doesn’t happen anymore.

    Give your momma some love tonight Ronan, let her know you are safe. She worries so and misses you so. Have Poppy continue to help heal her heart. Poppy can’t replace you, but she can bring peace and joy of her own. I know you don’t want your momma sad, and she needs all her strength to be the incredible mom and cancer slayer that she is and always will be. Give her some of your strength Ronan. Let her know how impossibly proud of her you are. Nothing could mean more to her than that. She never failed you Ronan and she never will. Her love for you truly is forever.

    Peace Maya,
    We all love you.

    Reply
  120. Jess

     /  May 9, 2013

    So sorry maya. Thinking of u n Ronan today n always.

    Reply
  121. V.Y.

     /  May 9, 2013

    I just wanted to say that I had originally planned to wear purple today (the 9th of may) in honor of Ronan. I completely forgot to, until tonight, when it suddenly hit me that today was his 2 year deathaversary. I felt so sad, and mad at myself for forgetting to wear purple, until I look down and see that I’m wearing my senior shirt (our senior color was purple, as is the shirt). It made me so happy, because even without meaning to, I wore the color I needed to wear, and I can’t help but think that this isn’t a simple coincidence. I’m sorry for your loss, I know you’ll never be the person you were before all this happened, but I also know that Poppy will bring you much-needed joy. I wish the best for you and Woody, Liam and Quinn, and Poppy, and I know Ronan will live forever in all of our hearts.

    Reply
  122. Isobel Lonergan

     /  May 10, 2013

    Hi Maya,

    A few weeks ago I posted a photo of Ronan on Tumblr, which i’m 100% sure you are aware of what that is. I basically condensed what you said on your blog on the ‘Ronan Baby’ page and captioned it under the photo, you can read here ;

    http://new-york-crave.tumblr.com/post/50082638859/theinfinitespirit-new-york-crave-this-is

    A few weeks ago it only had 50 notes, but last night, hours before Ronans 2 year deathiversary I wanted to make his story more known in my generation!!

    So I sat there reblogging it like crazy, it went from 200 notes to 800 notes in about 4 hours, and tonight as I send this email it has reached 1000 notes!!
    Meaning that 1000 new people have been educated about Ronan’s story!!

    I also hope to have a day which will be called; Ronan day! at my school (1400 girls) and have a day where they can wear purple ribbons and purple nail polish for a gold coin donation, that will be donated to “The Ronan Thompson foundation” in hope to find a cure for this horrible disease!!

    God Bless
    Isobel Lonergan, 17 years old. Melbourne, Australia.

    Reply
  123. Katie Casey

     /  May 10, 2013

    Hi my name is Katie and I can get a shout out about ur website on a Facebook page that has 2029 likes I no it’s not that much but I’m trying to spread the rolove around Ireland and I was just wondering what would u like the shout out to say it will have a picture of Ronan and his story and I know his story but I thought his story would be better coming from his mother. Thanks

    Sent from my iPad

    Reply
  124. ginny

     /  May 10, 2013

    Thinking of you and your family. I’ve lost both my parents to cancer…within 3 months of each other. Its a sadness like no other yet I still can’t imagine losing a child. You are doing great things and I hope you can find joy in knowing you are making a difference.

    Reply
  125. Joules

     /  May 10, 2013

    Sending you love from Ireland, I know you wanted to be here and couldn’t make it this year, so I will light a candle for your beautiful boy Ronan and for you, and wish you light through the darkness, and peace for your heart.

    Reply
  126. Sarah

     /  May 10, 2013

    Maya, I know withour doubt that you survived yesterday, you are a soldier momma, and thats just what you do. I spent the day in DC for a Nats game and I saw a little boy who looked so much like your sweet Ronan. So much that I spent the remainder of the day thinking of you all and wondering if there was a way to get a photo of the boy without looking like a loon ;) I didn’t take a photo because obviously there is no way a boy could be as perfect as sweet Ronan, but something about this particular boy’s squeaky voice and wild ways seemed so much like how you describe Ro. It made me feel like what your Sparkly says is absolutely true, your sweet boy is ok. Little reminders like a Ro resemblance seem to remind me of that.

    Reply
  127. Jamie

     /  May 10, 2013

    Just recently heard the song Beam Me Up by Pink and it made me think of you and Ronan:

    There’s a whole n’other conversation going on.
    In a parallel universe.
    Where nothing breaks and nothing hurts.
    There’s a waltz playing frozen in time.
    Blades of grass on tiny bare feet.
    I look at you and you’re looking at me.

    Could you beam me up?
    Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it.
    I’d probably just stare,
    Happy just to be there holding your face.
    Beam me up.
    Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter.
    I think, a minutes enough.
    Just beam me up.

    Some black birds soaring in the sky.
    Barely a breath I caught one last sight.
    Tell me that was you, saying goodbye.
    There are times I feel the shiver and cold.
    It only happens when I’m on my own.
    That’s how you tell me I’m not alone.

    Could you beam me up?
    Give me a minute, I don’t know what I’d say in it.
    I’d probably just stare,
    Happy just to be there holding your face.
    Beam me up.
    Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter.
    I think, a minutes enough.
    Just beam me up.

    In my head, I see your baby blues.
    I hear your voice and I,
    I break in two and now there’s one of me with you.

    So when I need you can I send you a sign?
    I’ll burn a candle and turn off the lights.
    I’ll pick a star and watch you shine.

    Could you beam me up?
    Give me a minute,
    I don’t know what I’d say in it.
    I’d probably just stare,
    Happy just to be there holding your face.Beam me up.
    Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter.
    I think, a minutes enough.
    Just beam me up.
    Beam me up.
    Beam me up.
    Could you beam me up?

    Reply
  128. Maya – i am a stranger, you and i have never met. like many others, i learned of Ronan through the publicity surrounding the Taylor Swift song and have followed your blog closely since that time, starting at the beginning and reading just about every single post. all the while crying for you and selfishly praying that I never have to go through the things you have, no one should ever have to experience this, it’s just not fair. but your blog & Ronan’s life have truly touched mine. there are no words to say except FUC….

    Reply
  129. Maya – you and i are strangers, we have never met. but still your story has touched my life and i am thinking about you today. like many others, i learned of Ronan through the publicity surrounding the Taylor Swift song. i started at the beginning and sat for days reading post after post of your blog, crying for you and your family while selfishly praying that i will never have to go through what you have been through, no human should ever have to experience that. I know there are no words to say… FUC…

    Reply
  130. Tara

     /  May 10, 2013

    You want a physicist to speak at your funeral. You want the physicist to talk to your grieving family about the conservation of energy, so they will understand that your energy has not died. You want the physicist to remind your sobbing mother about the first law of thermodynamics; that no energy gets created in the universe, and none is destroyed. You want your mother to know that all your energy, every vibration, every Btu of heat, every wave of every particle that was her beloved child remains with her in this world. You want the physicist to tell your weeping father that amid energies of the cosmos, you gave as good as you got.

    And at one point you’d hope that the physicist would step down from the pulpit and walk to your brokenhearted spouse there in the pew and tell him that all the photons that ever bounced off your face, all the particles whose paths were interrupted by your smile, by the touch of your hair, hundreds of trillions of particles, have raced off like children, their ways forever changed by you. And as your widow rocks in the arms of a loving family, may the physicist let her know that all the photons that bounced from you were gathered in the particle detectors that are her eyes, that those photons created within her constellations of electromagnetically charged neurons whose energy will go on forever.

    And the physicist will remind the congregation of how much of all our energy is given off as heat. There may be a few fanning themselves with their programs as he says it. And he will tell them that the warmth that flowed through you in life is still here, still part of all that we are, even as we who mourn continue the heat of our own lives.

    And you’ll want the physicist to explain to those who loved you that they need not have faith; indeed, they should not have faith. Let them know that they can measure, that scientists have measured precisely the conservation of energy and found it accurate, verifiable and consistent across space and time. You can hope your family will examine the evidence and satisfy themselves that the science is sound and that they’ll be comforted to know your energy’s still around. According to the law of the conservation of energy, not a bit of you is gone; you’re just less orderly. Amen.

    -Aaron Freeman.

    Wanted to share this with you Maya. I heard someone read this piece and thought that it was the most perfect thing I had ever read. Hopefully it brings you some peace.

    Reply
  131. Jen Brianas

     /  May 10, 2013

    Been thinking about you. Have a special gift coming your way I hope it makes you smile even a teeny, tiny bit. I’m so sorry, Ronan was a beautiful little boy who should still be here.

    Reply
  132. baldauf Murielle

     /  May 11, 2013

    Purple shirt for all my team ( i’m store manager) the 9th… hug to you from France.

    Reply
  133. Shelby

     /  May 11, 2013

    Im so sorry :(
    Fuck you cancer.
    We all love you Ronan, from your family, to strangers all around the world.

    Reply
  134. Nina

     /  May 16, 2013

    Hugs and kisses to you and your beautiful wonderful family from Ireland!! I heard about your beautiful baby boy in school one day when a girl got up and sang Taylor Swift’s song, Ronan as a tribute to all the little children who die from cancer, she was singing about her cousin who had passed on. When I got home I decided to search Ronan Thompson on google and within about 2mins I was surrounded by hundreds of pictures of what I honestly think is the most beautiful little boy I have ever seen. Since then I’ve been hooked on your blog, you’ve made me laugh and cry and although I have only seen photos of you and never met you in a person I weirdly feel that I know you. Today I found myself being in one of my ‘woe is me’ moods because I had so much revision for my a levels to do.. Then I listened to Ronan, and the song filled me with so much happiness and sadness that I snapped out of it and decided to write this message,I hope it brings a smile to your face that you know even in Ireland your little boy is not forgotten, i think about you and your family ever day and now am so completely to determined to spend the next year volunteering and getting money together to help fight cancer and to help any which way I can families and little babies and children who are coping or trying to cope every day! You say your just a mum but I think you underestimate yourself, in my head you seem more like super mum, you are a total inspiration and I thank you for being here today to share your tears and laughter because with every word I read from you I am moved and now moved to do something with my life that will help other families and children who have faced the impossible, thank you to you Ronan and Maya and your wonderful family for letting me see through your beautiful big eyes, and know that I can make a difference… Thankyou thank you thank you, one thousand thank yous xxxxxxxxxx

    Reply

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