All I want in life is a cure for childhood cancer and to be glitter bombed.

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Ronan. Hello May and hello constant stream of tears. Also, hello my little shadow, aka, Quinn who seems to be busting me whenever I am a bloody mess. It’s happened twice this week. Both times he caught me crying, in Poppy’s room.

“What’s wrong mom? Why are you sad?”

I wiped my face and just told him I had a hard day and was missing you a lot.

“It’s o.k. that I’m sad about Ronan, right Quinn? I’m allowed. It doesn’t mean I’m not going to be o.k., I’m just really sad today.”

Quinn shook his head. “I love you, Mom. Can I get you anything?”

I shook my head no.

“O.k. well, I love you so much.

“I love you more, buddy. Thank you for checking on me.”

That was a couple of days ago. Tonight, the same thing happened. Everyone was out except for me and your Poppy sister. I guess I kind of lost it, mid rocking her and some how I ended up on my computer, watching old videos of you. Hospital videos. “I love you, mama.” You told me this at least 5 times in a 4:32 minute segment. We went back and forth. “I love you, Ronan. I’m so proud of you.” “Mama, you my best friend.” On and on it went, your squeaky little voice over and over as we went through a book of animals. “What’s this mama?” “A dolphin, baby.” “Will it bite me, mama?” “No, monkey. Dolphins are nice.” “Dolphins are nice,” you repeated.

I slammed my computer shut after that as I held your sister and sobbed. I took her into your room and rocked her as I cried some more. Everyone came home soon after that. Quinn found me in your dark room, rocking Poppy. He saw my red blotchy face.

“What’s wrong, mom? Are you sad?”

“Yes, baby. Just a little sad tonight.”

“Do you need anything, mom? Can I take Poppy?”

“No thank you. I will be alright.”

“Please mom. I don’t mind taking Poppy. I really like holding her.”

“O.k. Quinn. Thanks for helping me. I love you so much.”

I handed Poppy to your brother and watched as he snuggled up on your bed with her and I begged in my head for you to please come back.

I went to wash my face and your daddy had no clue that I had been crying, until he saw my face.

“What’s wrong? Why won’t you look at me? Who upset you today?”

I told him, today, nobody. Tomorrow might be a different story as I swear to god I am dealing with a bunch of petty bullshit again.

“I’m just sad. For the same reason I’m always sad.”

Your daddy said he knew because he has been feeling the same way.

It’s that time of year again. It’s that very, very hard month where our emotions seem to be all over the place. Even the girls at my nail salon know it. My sweet Emily who used to paint your toes, Ronan, remembers what is coming up.

“It almost 2 years, Maya.” she said to me in her very broken english tonight as she rubbed my arm.

“I remember. I think to myself, it almost 2 years. I sorry,” she said.

I said I couldn’t believe she remembered. I thanked her for remembering.

“I sorry I make you sad,” Emily said.

“Oh, Em. You can’t make me sad, I’m always sad.” I said as I somehow held back the tears. I couldn’t tell if they were tears from being sad over you or so touched by the fact that Emily remembered that your 2 years Deathiversary is coming up.

“Purple sparkles, right Maya? Always sparkles.” Emily said as she filed my nails.

“Yes. Purple sparkles for Ro. Always for Ro.”

Today was one of those good day foundation wise though. I got a very wonderful phone call in regards to some things we are going to be working on with one of our celebrity friends. For now, I’m going to keep things on the down low, until we are ready to announce what it is that we are going to be doing. I’ve been quietly working on things while adjusting to Poppy life. I’ve been trying to find that balance of, “Hey I can do it all! But hey, I also really can’t because I have a new baby!” Between Poppy, your brothers, foundation things, our book… well, it’s a lot. But nobody loves a challenge more than me so I’m happy to be wearing all the hats that I am. There are too many kids dying to slow down now, or ever.

Alright little man. This is all the update I can write for tonight. When Poppy sleeps, I must sleep. Or so they say.

G’nite. Sweet dreams. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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  • Instagram is my BFF

    Today, I was busy doing things in our house, trying to get caught up, feeling like my head was going to explode because there is so much going on. I heard Poppy talking to herself like she often does, so I popped my head into her room to check on her. What I found was a scene that I will never forget and it almost broke my heart in two. She was carrying around this exact picture of Ronan and saying, "You can't have that pink flower, Ronan. It's mine. It's not yours. Give it to me right now." I watched as she tried to take his picture out of the frame, I guess to try to take his flower away. I interrupted her and asked what she was doing. She goes, "Mom, Ronan doesn't want that pink flower, he wants an orange one. He doesn't like the color pink." I scooped her up and told her that I wished Ronan could have an orange flower, too. I kissed her little face and told her how she is the most special little girl ever and how much I know Ronan loves her. I went on about my day even though I felt like my heart had been ripped right out of my chest. The fact that my daughter will only get to fight with her brother through a picture frame is just beyond heartbreaking but this is our reality. All I can do is try my hardest to raise amazing kids and love them with everything that I have. All I can do is try my hardest to change this world just a little bit because changing this world is my lifeline. It is one of the main reasons I get out of bed everyday and continue on, no matter how badly I may hurt. I made Ronan a very big promise and I don't intend to break it. I won't disappoint him, I won't let him down, I will forever be his voice. #ronan #fucancer #beboldgogold #childhoodcancerawarenessmonth #gogold #missyouro When you're 2 and you have to go to your mama's post op surgery check-up, you can turn any place into your own private playground. #ronan #fucancer #nodowntime #becauseitsseptember #gogold #queenp #2ismagical Just to be clear, I DID NOT DO THIS! But I kind of wish I had and it is pretty much the best thing I have ever seen in my life. #ronan #fucancer #cantstoplaughing #rebelsrule #takingmattersintoourownhands #maybepearldidit
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