Ronan. I miss you so much but isn’t that always the case? I think I am supposed to be nesting now. That is the term used for when you get everything ready for the baby that is coming. I think I am avoiding nesting still as I cannot seem to get a single thing done. For instance, I need to wash all of Poppy’s clothes but instead they have been sitting on your bed for weeks. I keep telling myself today is the day that I am going to get it done, but then it doesn’t happen. Your daddy is so excited for your Poppy sister that it is almost making me mad at myself because I don’t seem to be feeling the level of excitement that he is. What’s wrong with me? He even has songs picked out that he has been practicing on his guitar and singing to and he’s calling them all Poppy’s songs. He’s been asking me if there are any other songs that I want him to learn, to sing to her. I think I responded with, “Can I tell you the answer to that, after she gets here?” I am just so sad that you are not here to listen to Poppy’s songs, too.
We were in bed the other night and out of the blue I said, “Do you think Poppy is going to die?” Your daddy just gave me his normal answer which is, “Why would you say that? She is not going to die.” I think I said something like, “Well Ronan was not supposed to get cancer and die and he did.” That is automatically where my brain goes. It’s not a fun place. It fucking sucks. In my previous life, morbid thoughts like this would have never happened. I know what part of my problem is. A certain part of my brain is trying to protect myself from becoming too excited/attached to Poppy still in case something happens. I wish it wasn’t this way, but there is nothing I can do to change this or control it. I wish I could just push these thoughts out of my brain but even I know I have to just give in and allow myself to think and feel these things. I would not be being true to myself if I pretended to be feeling any other way.
I’ve been keeping myself as busy as my tired body is allowing. Foundation things have been happening. I just had a meeting today that went great but I can’t say much about it as of now. We have some very exciting things in the works and I am so grateful for all of the people who want to help us change things in such a big way. We have not heard anything back from the White House but I promise to announce it when we do. We have the date set for our 2nd Annual Gold Party. It will be September 28th, 2013 so I hope you all will save the date for us. We are just getting started on the details and the planning of everything. I love all of the planning that comes with this. Brainstorming ideas is one of my favorite things. I was so proud of how it turned out last year and this year can only be bigger and better:)
I am trying to be patient with my last month of pregnancy but it’s no secret that I am so ready for your sister to be here. I am beyond full of anxiety and going stir crazy. I can’t take much more of having to be quiet and taking things easy. I just want her here and safe that way I can get back to kicking ass like I’m used to doing but this time with a baby on my hip. That sounds like bliss. I miss having a little sidekick in the worst way possible. I can do anything with a baby on my hip. I don’t do so well with the whole pregnancy thing…it’s never been my cup of tea. I do much better in the world of no sleep because you are taking care of a baby 24/7. That for me is a piece of cake and where I thrive. It’s one of my most favorite things in life.
I’m off and running now. Somehow I got talked into going on a little golfing excursion today which should be a riot seeing how I can hardly stand up straight due to carrying what I feel like is now a bowling ball in my stomach. It will be good to be outside getting some fresh air though.
I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.