A date where no pants are required


 

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Ronan. Another week done. Another week closer to your baby sisters arrival. A lot happened this week for nothing happening at all. I’ve spent most of the week doing I don’t even know what. Taking care of your brothers has kept me pretty busy. I feel like I’ve poured everything I have into them just so they know how very loved they are. There is a new baby coming. I am trying to be fully aware of everything they may be feeling with this. How does a 9-year-old process the death of their little brother and soon after that, the birth of their little sister? I have no freaking idea. So all I am doing is talking with them as openly as I can while pouring every single ounce of love and affection I have to give, into them. Liam finally got his new glasses and has been wearing them around the house and when he is out and about with us. He looks so handsome in them. He won’t wear them to school yet and I’m not pushing that on him. I’m just trying to let him get used to them first. I wish you were here to see him in them and how proud he looked when he put them on and looked in the mirror at himself. The first time he put them on in the car he goes, “Wow! I can see perfectly!” It made me laugh and broke my heart all at the same time. My sweet gentle giant. He slept with your daddy last night and I curled up in Quinn’s bed with him. Quinn must have told me 10 times how much he loves me. I snuggled up with him as we fell asleep. I always picture how it would be if you were here. I know you wouldn’t be sleeping in your bed but you would be snuggling up with your brothers instead. You loved being with them so much.

I saw Dr. Jo today for some therapy which included the chocolate cake she had waiting for me when I arrived. BEST.THERAPIST.EVER. We hashed out the weeks events. We talked about this Poppy girl and her birth. I told her I didn’t think I could make a specific birth plan for her because as with everything I do, winging it seems to be the best and works for me. I know she will be there and that is good enough for me. We have talked about having your Urn in the room with me. My only hesitation with that is that somebody might break your urn and ashes will go flying everywhere. But I think having your urn in the room with me as something to focus on might be good for me. We will see. I feel like I have been crying a lot. Crying when I’ve been hiking. Crying in bed. Crying when I’m driving. Crying over every song that comes on the freaking radio. My tears seem endless lately. It is just because I miss you so much. I just miss my best friend. I just miss my spicy monkey. I just want you back in the worst way possible. Dr. Jo asked me today when I thought I would be ready to forgive myself. I told her I didn’t know. That maybe Poppy would tell me when it is time in a secret way and only I will know what it means. Maybe you will let her know when it is o.k. for me to forgive myself for all the things I hate myself for that I know are truly not my fault. I think your sister is going to bring so much light into our world that I so very badly need. I think she will be able to hold my hand through this darkness in a way that nobody else can. I cannot believe she is almost here. I am so glad because I truly do not think I can wait much longer for her. I know I will be able to breathe much easier once she arrives. Both literally and figuratively.

It’s kind of been breakdown city over here this past week. It’s been one of those weeks where I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I walk around every single second of every single day knowing that you, the love of my life, died. I never for a second forget that. I constantly feel like I am just here, doing my best, but blindly stumbling through this life without you. I never forget that I don’t have your hand to hold, your little lips to kiss, your messes to clean up, your hair to wash, you to dress or tuck in at night. Some days, I don’t know how I live without being able to do all of those things with you or for you. What I wouldn’t give to be cleaning up your messes or wiping up your puke from the flu. Even when you were here, doing those things, it was never an annoyance to me. I never got mad or upset or complained about the lack of sleep or things I was “missing out” on because I was just so thankful to have you. Even before you were sick, I knew what a gift you were. I don’t understand how you are now sitting on top of my dresser in a fucking urn. I still don’t understand how this all happened. I promise I am doing my best, Ronan but it feels so hard at times. I still know you miss me as much as I miss you. I still know we were never meant to be apart. I will forever think that this is so wrong and so beyond fucked up.

Today, Dr. Jo asked me if Inferno Fuckwad Bob was still around. Meaning my nickname for my grief. I told her yes, but I didn’t hate him as much as I used to. She told me she knew that would happen as it’s part of this shift. How her grief has become one of her best friends. I nodded my head and told her that made sense as our grief is never going anywhere. She goes “That’s right. So we may as well invite him in for a cup of tea.” I understand now. I can’t spend my whole life angry and fighting with my grief. I live with my grief 24 hours a day, so I’d better learn how to make the best of it. Your daddy went to the Suns game tonight. Your brothers are at a birthday party. If you were here, we’d be off doing something fun. Instead I sit in our house and cry for you, alone, the way I like it. Sometimes I have to take a break from the outside world. It’s still hard for me to be among the normal, happy people of the world. I’d rather sit here with my best friend, Inferno Fuckwad Bob instead. At least I don’t have to wear pants for our date.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

 

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28 Comments

  1. Olivia

     /  March 1, 2013

    Maya,you are such an amazing mother!

    Reply
  2. Chelsea

     /  March 1, 2013

    I too am so excited for Poppy to make her arrival and shine some light in your life. Your family needs some joy. I agree with you that Poppy will help Ro let you know when you can forgive yourself.
    I’m so proud of you, Maya, and hope you know what an inspiration you and Ro are to countless people, every single day.

    Reply
  3. Poppy will hold your hand through this. She didn’t know Ronan but she will have you and this blog to learn so much about him.

    Reply
  4. Jan

     /  March 1, 2013

    Not sure I agree that baby Poppy won’t know Ronan.
    Ronan has been with her from the moment she came into being. Ronan will always be with her, a little part of her that you will Love and treasure… Both for who she is and for the spicy little monkey that lives on in your hearts. <3

    Reply
  5. Nothing else to say except I love you and I hope the next month flies by so you can meet Poppy xo

    Reply
  6. Glenda

     /  March 2, 2013

    RoMama,

    I can’t wait for you to hold Poppy!
    I can’t wait for the day you forgive yourself because you did nothing wrong and everything a loving mother would do.
    Thinking of you & Rockstar Ronan! XO

    Reply
  7. Ashley

     /  March 2, 2013

    Poppy girl is going to be so amazing! Maya, you are so much stronger then you credit yourself for! I can’t wait doe this little ball of amazing love and life to pop into your life xoxoh

    Reply
  8. A fan from South Korea

     /  March 2, 2013

    For everything you miss doing with Ronan, do it double, triple with your Poppy and Liam and Quinn. They sound like such sweet kids even Poppy and I wish you the best. Love from Korea:)

    Reply
  9. Noah's grandma

     /  March 2, 2013

    Maya, Maya..sending you always (((big hugs)))
    Noah’s grandma

    Reply
  10. Sara

     /  March 2, 2013

    Poppy is waiting for you to hold her hand and you are waiting for her to lead you through this dark tunnel.This will work out.Both of you will be able to beat the Inferno Fuckwad Bob and motherfucker cancer.
    We are with you Maya.We love you.You are a super amazing mom,woman and wife.Rest your head for just a second at a time.It may work out.
    LOVE YOU AND YOUR AMAZING PEOPLE!!!!

    Reply
  11. can’t wait for this poppy girl to arrive! yesterday i was at a church for my dance lesson and i saw a huge setup for that fuckwad american cancer society. toting how it saves our kids and donates all it’s money from the relay for life. next week i’m tempted to staple one of those articles about it’s million dollar ceos over the whole thing. i’ll let you know if it happens :)
    love from helena

    Reply
  12. Jen

     /  March 2, 2013

    <3 love to you!! <3

    Reply
  13. Rosann

     /  March 2, 2013

    You’re so amazing you make me cry and you make me relate to you…thank you (as I sit here blessed with my three amazing kids) and now I have to get back to them. thank you Maya thank you Ro.

    Reply
  14. I am so glad that Poppy will be there soon to hold your hand. Grief will always be a part of my life as well. It is just part of my “new normal.” I just wish none of us had to live in a world without our child/children. I will try inviting grief to tea as well – might as well.

    FU CANCER!!

    Reply
  15. Jenn

     /  March 3, 2013

    Love you Maya, always. Can’t wait for all the secrets little Poppy will be sharing with you.

    Reply
  16. Kathy

     /  March 3, 2013

    Poppy is such a lucky girl because she will have you as her Mommy, just like Ronan.
    ~hugs~

    Reply
  17. Ronan, help our little babes Kaelie. She has this horrible monster. Kaelie.com. We need your help. Maybe your mom will give us some advice.

    Reply
  18. Deanna

     /  March 3, 2013

    Maya,
    I have been following your post since learning of it Last year when Taylor Swift sang her song about your beautiful, courageous Ronan. You are absolutely AMAZING!!!! I personally have not experienced what you are going through, but about 17 years ago one of my closest friend lost her 3 year old to brain cancer. He also had 2 older brothers who spent many days with myself & children while his mother & father were with Mikey at the hospital. Your post brings back that horrible & yet beautiful year. I still carry that grief. I cannot read your blog everyday, because I sit her with tears streaming for Ronan & Mikey and so many other children who have suffered & are suffering. My husband says why do you read it if it makes you feel this way. The pain is excruciating, but the anger is so strong that if I could wrap my hands around Cancers Fucking throat I would squeeze it so tight until there was no more strength left in me. I am now at the age where I am beginning to have grandchildren. I cherish them so. Please believe Ronan has been with Poppy since her beginning & always will be. Please let go of your guilt. I know I have no right to tell you that, but you did nothing wrong. As another posted earlier ” Ronan was home. He was with his momma”. I have never posted before but you touch my heart, a place deep inside me that I don’t even know what to call it. LOVE TO YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  19. hannah

     /  March 3, 2013

    Hello Maya, your posts always leave me in tears. I was reading another little boy’s story who passed away from Duchenne muscular dystrophy yesterday and I thought to tell you, because a lot of what his dad writes on his facebook reminds me of your loss..I cant even begin to understand what losing a child may feel like.. here is the link to the facebook page ” mitchell’s journey. https://www.facebook.com/mitchellsjourney?ref=ts&fref=ts

    Reply
  20. Kelli

     /  March 3, 2013

    Maya,
    I just want to say THANKYOU for being so honest and opening the worlds eyes to pediatric cancer. You and Ro are changing the world.
    I am so excited for you & your family to meet their new little sister. I truly hope she brings you many moments of pure joy. You, Woody and your boys deserve nothing but the best.
    I am just SO sorry Ronan is not physically here with you all. It will never make since why he’s not here. I want you to know not a day has gone by since November 2010 that I have not thought about your beautiful baby boy. I will always keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.
    Take care!
    With love from Texas,
    Kelli B.

    Reply
  21. Ellie

     /  March 4, 2013

    Maya,
    You can never understand the impact you have on my life now and also my feature life. Your blog has lead me to other blogs and websites about what a shithole cancer is. Before your blog i was a real jackass. The world revolved around me and I liked it that way. You have done everything for you family even though you lost so much and I look up to you for that. not meany people can get back up from something like what you went through and you did. that really makes me look back and shiver at my past. I was so selfish and prideful. I remember once i was almost in tears because my wardrobe was not the size i wanted to be. and today I look at my family and friend and i’m so thankful for them. they would be nothing to me if it wasn’t for you.

    last monday I lost a vary dear friend to cancer. I went to her funeral today and before i left I wrote Fuck You Cancer on my hip. I would have put it on my face but it was church. only from reading you blog did i do that. If not for your blog It would have just been another funeral. but not today. I here the word cancer now and I feel sick. it used to be that cancer was not different then the word flu to me. i thank you for teaching me that cancer fucking sucks.

    Reply
  22. Take care my dear Maya. Poppy is almost here! Ronan sent her so you can smile again and to tell you that is ok to feel joy, even if you miss him madly…

    Reply
  23. Kitty

     /  March 4, 2013

    It’s strange but Ronan has changed my life and so many other people lives and so have you! We may have never met but an inspiration. You’re stories make me realise we are all different people but we’re the same and we need to fight together!

    Reply
  24. Emma

     /  March 4, 2013

    Can’t wait to see this little poppyro little face !
    your so amazing maya ! take care of you and your family ! Sure roro is so proud of you, you miss him and he misses you too but he is always here, in our hearts and mind !
    I love you little ronan, so much !!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  25. I can’t wait until Poppy the fetus becomes a real live squirmy baby! Oh speaking of fetuses, this lovely maternity shirt reminded me of you today: http://pinterest.com/pin/393642823649453594/

    Reply
  26. Stephanie Lundberg

     /  March 5, 2013

    With deep, deep love for you and your family.

    Reply
  27. I hope the last words of your book are; I miss you, I love you, I hope you are safe. I so love that those are always your last words to him! I hope you’re having a good day sweetie. I think of you every day.

    Reply
  28. Jenna

     /  March 9, 2013

    For a school assignment I had to write about a hero and someone that inspires me. Most kids in my class went for families of 9/11 or something, but I chose you and Ronan. About half way through my SA I found myself stuck at the part where I only had to write three simple words: “then Ronan died,” I just couldn’t do it and broke out sobbing. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, <3

    Reply

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