I miss you and normal still hurts.


tumblr_mgba04Ybll1qbqtjbo1_500Ronan. Things around here have been quiet. The quiet that is so hard for me. A normal quiet that still makes my skin crawl. You know the normal things that we used to do when you were here. Big breakfasts, family dinners, going to movies, playing sports, watching T.V. as a family. Things like that. I thought they would have gotten easier for me by now. I guess they have because I know I used to not be able to engage of in any of those things and now I find myself being able to do so. It still stings though. I still picture you missing in every single thing that we do. Your brothers had a play date this weekend. I happily sent them up to road to play at a friend’s house. I caught myself thinking, “I wonder if Ronan would be going with his brothers, walking up the road to play.” I pictured the image in my head and it broke my heart all over again that you are not here to do so. Some days I think my heart will heal, but it’s things like that where in an instant, my heart is shattered all over again.

Your brothers seem so happy. This will always be the way I can tell that I am an alright job in life. It will always be reflected in the ways that they are. They are happy, well-behaved, and so connected with us. I am amazed at the way our family has been able to stay so intact and connected. I sometimes wonder if it’s weird that your brothers, for the most part, are always with us. They go to play dates here and there, but for the most part they are with me and your daddy pretty much all the time. We spend a lot of time together, doing things as a family. We both have worked so hard to make sure your brothers know they are safe and loved. I think for a long time they both worried about if they were safe or not. I watched as their innocence was shattered and taken away. I feel like we have slowly put it back together for them. Last night Quinn fell asleep in bed with me. We were watching the Oscars and I was rubbing his back. He fell asleep soon after that and I kept him in my bed with me and held his hand as I fell asleep. Just like I used to do with you. I found your daddy in Liam’s room all snuggled up in bed with him. They were both asleep on their backs and Liam was sleeping on your daddy’s arm, just they way you used to always do with your daddy. The sight of this was so bittersweet. It was so beautiful but so sad as well. I then went back to my bed while passing by your little cold, empty room. A year ago I would have taken 5 Ambien after seeing this sight. That thought didn’t even cross my mind last night so is that a clue that I am doing better? I guess so.

I went to see your Sparkly today. The first thing he said to me was, “What’s going on with Dr. Jo?” I gave him a funny look and asked him why he asked me that. He said, “Because I’m worried. I haven’t heard you talk about her in a long time and you normally won’t shut up about her.”

He knows I have been slacking on my therapy. I gave him a little smile and told him he would be happy to know that I have been seeing more of her and I started telling him about some of the things we have been working on and doing. I told him about the little project Dr. Jo is having some of my close girlfriends work on for me. I was in her office a couple of weeks ago and I was telling her how I am so traumatized by everything that I am having a hard time remembering any of the good things about your life here, Ronan. All I can think about is your diagnoses, how awful everything was, and your death. She asked me if it would be alright to reach out to a couple of my friends and ask them to do a little project that she thinks might help me. I told her she could get in touch with Fernanda and Stacy as they knew you and know everyone around us who knew and loved you. Dr. Jo said she was going to have them ask our family and friends to write down little memories of you to keep in a box at our house that way we can go through them and read them whenever we want. It’s such a simple and sweet idea. I don’t know if it will help or hurt but I’m willing to give it a try. Dr. Jo is also trying to get me to write you a letter. I know I write to you all the time, but she wants a real letter written to you. A deep letter, a heartfelt letter, baring my soul. She’s been asking me to do this for I swear a year now. I tell her I think about it a lot, but I’m not ready to do it. She knows why. She thinks in this letter I will find that you have forgiven me for everything. Even though nobody thinks I did anything wrong, not even you. I still feel like I did something wrong because you died and I am not ready to forgive myself. I still like living in that place of deep torture and pain because I feel as if I deserve to feel this way. Someday I might be able to let this go, but I’m not ready yet. It’s like if I let that go, I’m letting a little piece of you go and I don’t want to let any of you go. Ever. Including my self torturous pain that I like to feel because at least it means I am feeling something. I’ll take feeling something any day over being numb or even worse, happy. How do I ever have the right to be happy again when you are dead? I’ll take my moments of happiness in life but I don’t imagine ever being able to go back to a life where happiness filled me 24 hours a day like it did when you were still here and our family was still all together. I can be happy with my moments of happiness because when I feel them, I am fully aware of them and I appreciate them so much more than I used to.

Your Sparkly asked if your Poppy sister is ever going to get here. I pulled out her latest ultrasound pictures to show him and I watched him as his eyes lit up and he let out that great chuckle of his. In one picture, Poppy has her leg pulled up all the way to the top of her forehead. Limber little thing. He said he knows she is going to be the most beautiful little girl. I just want her healthy. Forever Ronan. Nothing else matters. I told him all about her hiccups and how it was the sweetest thing to feel. Not much longer now. I think I start seeing Dr. Schwartz every week starting Wednesday. I cannot wait to have this little one here. We all need this little piece of life to place in our family again. We all need this little gift from you. I know you know how much. I promise she will grow up knowing all about you. How you are her big brother. Nothing will change that.

This is all for today little man. Time to get dinner ready for your brothers as they will be home soon. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

 

A RoLovie sent this to me. Poppy and you, side by side. I love you. I love my RoLovies, too.

A RoLovie sent this to me. Poppy and you, side by side. I love you. I love my RoLovies, too.

 

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21 Comments

  1. Meg

     /  February 25, 2013

    She already looks a lot like Ronan :)

    Reply
  2. Jaime

     /  February 25, 2013

    What a precious picture!! Love! Hang in there Maya! We love you! xoxo

    Reply
  3. Tracy

     /  February 25, 2013

    Sweet Maya… I so understand your feelings , thoughts, and emotions ….

    The best thing I have done since my husband died was to write him a very long letter asking for forgiveness and forgiving him , I poured out every thought , feeling, emotion , regret any and everything just spewed onto the paper and the tears fell the snot overwhelmed me but I just kept writing . In your time when you finally write the letter I hope you find it as healing as I did. Hugs & love to you. Tracy Poulos . If you ever need a friend to just listen I’m here for you … This journey through grief sucks

    Reply
  4. Glenda

     /  February 25, 2013

    RoMama,
    I absolutely LOVE that picture of Poppy and Ronan! Twins all the way! Both beautiful!!! #rockstarronan #popstar #poppyronan

    I can’t wait till you get lil popstar to hold & love!

    Rolove always
    XO

    Reply
  5. Joe Baber

     /  February 25, 2013

    Words fail me, I feel deeply for you and your family and wish that your lives forever be enriched by memories of Ronan, but not be held back by the grief you feel today.

    Reply
  6. Normal and quiet is the worst for me as well. Busy is better. One of our sons died at 2 weeks old and the other was 6 weeks old. I am not sure that I will ever get over my guilt that they are dead and I am alive. Despite what people tell me I feel like as their mom I should have been able to save/protect them.

    Thank you for sharing those pictures. Poppy looks so much like Ronan. Looking forward to reading about Dr. Jo’s project. Sending hope and hugs. F U Cancer!!

    Reply
  7. It’s so good you can look back and see where you were a year ago and see a difference. I can’t say that I can do that. You will always have that pain and void! But hopefully you can remember the good sweet moments with out such intense pain as well!
    Looking at that double photo… Hmmm! Looking good!!! What a cutie! The count down begins and you will be ready! It’s good your other two feel so close to their parents. You’re doing an awesome job!!! :-)

    Reply
  8. Maria

     /  February 25, 2013

    this is so sad and wonderful at the same time.. there is not one post that i read where i dont full blown cry every time or take something you say and apply to me every day life like the happiness part where you cherish them as they come and fully appreciate them.. THANK YOU!! for all the wonderful work that you are doing with fundation and RONAN is so very proud of you for doing this for him and alll the children with fucked up cancer.. i also think that RONAN has forgiving and that forgving yourself will take time but i know that you will some day be able to forgive yourself because you did everything you could have done to save your little angel… love you always and cant wait to meet your beautiful little girl <3

    Reply
  9. Chelsea

     /  February 25, 2013

    I absolutely love that picture of poppy and Ronan next to one another. The resemblance is out of this world :)
    I completely understand how you feel about forgoing yourself. I think it will happen when you are ready. Ronan will see to that!
    I’m proud of you for recognizing what a great job you have done with the twins and helping them through this hell. The fact that you were able to do so while being in an even worse hell is AMAZING

    Reply
  10. Sarahbeth

     /  February 25, 2013

    I just read a facebook post about a little girl who was killed by neuroblastoma today. I immediately though of Ronan and came directly here.

    Reply
  11. Melissa V

     /  February 25, 2013

    You deserve all of the happiness in the world for what you have been through and for all that you are doing, love. But gosh…..acquiring happiness after what you have been through….it must seem and it just might really be impossible…I don’t know…certainly it will be a different happiness. May those moments of joy and happiness find you more often, Maya.

    Reply
  12. Amy Caudill

     /  February 25, 2013

    Poppy is a lucky little girl. She will have the most amazing parents in the world and it looks like she will have Ronan`s stunning angelic looks. I’m excited for you!

    Reply
  13. Julia

     /  February 26, 2013

    Maya,
    I am so sorry. I know Ronan is always there with you and I honestly think he would like you to be happy. Please try to be happy as much as possible–Ro’s smiling too :)
    With love and sympathy,
    Julia

    Reply
  14. Jenn

     /  February 26, 2013

    Oh Maya, I feel so much pain and sorrow for you and your family. You are an incredible mother and deserve to forgive yourself, when you are ready of course. I am not in your situation, but as a mom, I can say I would probably feel the exact same way. I cannot imagine going through this in a million years, yet you seem to be doing more than anyone could ever imagine or expect. One day you’ll forgive yourself, even though you did everything you could possibly do for you little man. It’s not your fault…it never was, and never will be. I cannot wait to see you with your sweet little baby when she is born. I hope you allows you more happiness, even if you are still filled with sadness…as any mother would feel. You deserve only happiness. I can’t wait to see this little baby strapped to your chest as you climb the highest mountains:) Your sparkly is right…she will be the most beautiful and most loved little girl to ever enter this world. Love you Maya.

    Reply
  15. When is Poppy due? Can’t wait to see her! From a follower from Scottsdale who is relocated to France for a bit…

    Reply
  16. I can’t wait for baby Poppy to be born. Ronan and her look so much alike already, his little image is going to be re-born into her.

    Reply
  17. SMA

     /  February 26, 2013

    Wow, Poppy looks just like Ronan, she is going to be a beauty, no doubt about it, just like her big bro!

    Reply
  18. Stephanie

     /  February 26, 2013

    I swear every time I read one of your entries I end up in tears. I admire you & your strength! I lost my mom when I was just shy of 16 (I’m now 21) and I know the pain can’t compare to losing a child but I do know the pain of trying to go on with your everyday life. I used to feel so guilty trying to enjoy everyday family activites, always feels like somethings missing. Honestly, things never really got easier like everyone says it does, you just learn to deal with the pain.

    I’m so excited for your little Poppy to get here. Your family needs this little ray of sunshine! I love reading your blog & can’t wait to read updates and see pictures of Poppy when she gets here :)

    Reply
  19. Sara

     /  March 2, 2013

    They are the most beautiful children i have ever seen.
    They look like they are twins.
    Love from Albania!!!!

    Reply
  20. Stay strong. Ronan is adorable. I love him with all my heart. He is still here even when he’s not. Just please stay strong and I really hope the best for your family and poppy. Please please please stay strong I love you! Xxxxxxxxxooooooxoxo -Paige.

    Reply

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