I am in love with your sister and her hicupps


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Ronan. I have no idea what I did this week. Not only do I have grief brain, I have pregnancy brain to go with it as well. It’s amazing that I can even drive a freaking car. I feel foggy, heavy, sad, tired… this is NOT depression, P.S.

It’s hormones, grief, and pregnancy. And no… I do not need medication. Nor will I ever need medication for my sadness which is just that. Sadness from losing you. My sadness will never go away and I am o.k. with that. It will forever be a part of who I am. I will deal with my sadness in ways that work for me and no pill will be required. I have been daydreaming a lot. About popping this Poppy out and being able to be free again. Free to go running. Free to go hiking. Free to blow off some of this crap that I have been holding in due to not being able to exercise the way I want to or need to. It’s the only thing that makes my head less foggy. I have been missing my running and hiking so very much. That is the time I feel closest to you. When I am connecting with nature and myself. It’s a good thing that this pregnancy is coming to an end because I am about to burst not having the outlet I am so desperately craving.

Most of my week was spent playing catch up with some things and taking care of your brothers while trying to rest up a bit. Your daddy has been the best helper, as always. I am slowly getting ready for your Poppy sister. It is still one day at a time with all of this as I am being very careful about trying to only buy the things we will need right away. I’ve been making Fernanda so nervous about everything that she just went ahead and ordered Poppy’s crib for me, and didn’t tell me until after! Leave it to her to just take things into her own hands. I couldn’t possibly love her more. I sat with Stacy yesterday and went over a list of things I do not have, but will need. Things such as diapers, burp cloths, bottles, a boppy. I ran to the mall today to exchange something and talked myself into going to Pottery Barn Kids to look at some bedding. Your baby sister needs some sheets. As soon as I got in there I was so overwhelmed. I snuck back to take a peek at what they had. I am so indecisive that I almost had a panic attack. I was walking past the counter and the sales lady goes, “Do you need help?” I just politely smiled and told her no. She then goes, “Have you registered?” I just laughed and said, “No, I have not.” I knew I was not getting off that easy and sure enough she goes, “You look like you’re about to pop and you have not registered?!” It was obvious that not only was not registering a sin, but that I had 3 heads as well. I just smiled and walked off. I was not about to explain our situation and how I had tried to register for baby things, but could not even get past the first few things that I was going to register for. I found myself back looking at the boy stuff and all the new Star Wars stuff they have gotten in. I was so sad as I ran my hands across the new Star Wars sheet set and thought how I would have totally bought those sheets for you. All I wanted to do was crawl into the Pottery Barn bed, pull the covers over my head and never come out again. I practically ran out of the store after that. Fuck that place.

I came home and finished cooking up the best meal ever for your daddy and brothers. My short ribs and mashed potatoes. It felt nice to do something nice for all of them. They have been taking such good care of me. Your brothers are the best little helpers around. I knew I wasn’t going to be home for dinner so I wanted to make sure they didn’t have to eat out, again. They were so grateful and thankful for the home cooked meal. I skipped out shortly after they left for basketball practice to go see Dr. Jo.

I spent a couple of hours with her. I’ve been trying to spend more time with her, talking about everything now that I have slowed down a bit and have more time. It feels good. As we were sitting there tonight, Poppy kept thumping me in the same spot over and over again. I said to Jo, “Feel this. What is she doing?!” Jo came over and felt my stomach. After a minute she goes, “She has the hiccups!” OMG. Cutest thing ever. I don’t remember ever feeling you boys have the hiccups in my tummy. The thought of this little baby girl, hiccupping in my stomach, pretty much made my night. I spent the rest of my time with Dr. Jo going over a lot of things and now I am so beat I think I have no choice but to end this and pass out now. I cannot possibly form another thought. Our sessions are always a lot of work and always exhaust me. Your brothers are in my room with me and I am going to snuggle up to them. We all miss you so much.

I love you, Ro. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, little man.

xoxo

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15 Comments

  1. sammy

     /  February 22, 2013

    am i horrible if at the end of each post i read, which is every one, i cant not think….but where is ronan. maya you are my idol. xx

    Reply
  2. Chelsea S

     /  February 22, 2013

    Yay for Poppy hiccups! I’m currently 22 weeks along, and I am just feeling my twins kick and move. So special. Hearing about Poppy hiccups brought a huuuuuge smile to my face. Love you and love Ro.

    Reply
  3. Valerie

     /  February 22, 2013

    In response to Sammy’s comment Maya… I found myself realizing the other night that
    there are millions of readers out here in this big but small world who are inspired by you and feel comforted and empowered by you… whose hearts break with love for you and your baby boy Ronan… and how I believe that we ALL have one singular longing which is for this all to be a movie where we all sob through the happy ending reunion of Maya and Ronan being together again… I just so believe that you will be together again… and every day I read longing to hear that…isn’t that crazy? your readers even have grief denial… but Ronan is here, around you, he must be… just on the other side of the veil… we, all your readers, won’t get to see that reunion but we all live knowing that there WILL be a time when you and Ronan will be together again…and won’t that be the most crazy exuberant “airport greeting” ever …. blessings during this baby Poppy time… precious little hiccuper…

    Reply
  4. Maya,
    I admire and respect your strength more than I can express. You’re right, you’re not depressed, you’ve lived every parents worst nightmare. I think it’s amazing that instead of numbing your pain, you’ve placed those emotions into changing things for all the other Ronan’s out there!! In one marathon you raised $94k!! All of this was because you share Ronan and your pain with all of us!! You’re so strong and you’re still a Rockstar wife and mom cooking your homemade meals and cheering on the boys at their games! You’re amazing. I know nothing we say can really help the way you feel. I know all you want is Ro back! I swear I’d do anything to bring him back to you!! Instead I’m thankful every single day that my kids are happy and healthy. Because of you and this blog I consider myself a warrior against childhood cancer!! I was so proud to run my 1st half marathon for you, Ro and all the others kids fighting cancer!! I’m looking forward to running with you next year!! Because of this blog I’m also a registered bone marrow donor, I’m constantly talking about pediatric cancer and how’s it’s the LEAST funded of ALL cancers….total bullshit!!! I’m also going to run the Fight Childhood Cancer run to benefit Phoenix’s Children’s Hospital. I’ll gladly keep voting for you and sharing whatever I have to make things happen. My daughter who is about to turn 13 loves Ronan. She has told almost all her teachers about Ronan and childhood cancer. What’s really awesome about this, is that I’m just one of thousands!!! You’ve inspired so many of us!! I know none of this can ease your pain. You’re a wonderful mommy who’s missing one of the most beautiful boys to walk the planet. I just want you to know that because of you and Ro so many wonderful things have happen and will continue to happen:) hearing about Poppy’s hiccups put a big smile on my face. I think she’s going to be extra spicy and sparkly:)

    Reply
  5. Maya, I have always wondered how you get through each day…but this last week I am left in complete awe. I experienced the first loss I have been through in this childhood cancer world…I have read many people’s journeys and cried over the end of them, but this was the first time it was a child I had met, whose family I have been involved with. The grief I felt particularly within the first 24 hours was like nothing I’d felt before and i know it wasn’t one millionth of what her parents were feeling…and now they will carry that around with them forever. Any parent who has lost a child is absolutely incredible in their ability to carry on with this big hole in their heart.
    It just makes me want to fight that much harder.

    Reply
  6. Chloe

     /  February 23, 2013

    My insane amount of love for this little baby girl already is ridiculous. Can’t wait for her to come on out and show the world what she’s made of!

    Reply
  7. I love that you were able to feel hick-ups. It’s her way of letting you know she’s practicing swallowing and breathing. It’s a good thing. She’ll probably have them a lot after she’s born. Maybe Ronan’s making her laugh and that’s causing them.

    Best wishes,
    Lisa

    Reply
  8. Karen Trujillo

     /  February 23, 2013

    I read your post and cry everytime. I have 4 kids and have had many foster kids and one adopted child. I have never felt what you are feeling and I thank God above for that. That was/is my greatest fear as a Mother. I pray for you and your family. I pray this little girl helps you to put some saddness away. I know that is probably impossible, but it would be nice to just go to that place when you need to and tuck it away when you need to. I wish the best for you and yyour family. Karen

    ________________________________

    Reply
  9. You are so right grief is not depression. Although I think I have both at times because the world can be such a depressing place when you are grieving for your child/children.

    Love that you can feel Poppy’s hic ups! And a giant FU CANCER!!

    Reply
  10. Glenda

     /  February 24, 2013

    Thinking of you, Rockstar Ro & popstar
    XO

    Reply
  11. Maria

     /  February 24, 2013

    THANK YOU MAYA for sharing every amazing thing ur baby girl is doing she is so happy there that im sure it will be so happy to finally se ur face when she arrives and i pretty darn sure RONAN will be there with you and your beautiful baby girl celebrating the best news that he is a big brother and he will tell you that he is there im sure.. love you so much for inpiring me to be a better person and never take anyting for granted EVER!! and congrats on ur 94K! marathon you and Ro are changing this world for better.. lets make the white house gold!!! and FU CANCER!! God Bless you Maya, Ronan, Poppy and your 2 beautiful boys and your awsome husband!!

    Reply
  12. Jenn

     /  February 25, 2013

    Always thinking of you Maya:) My first little man had hiccups all of the time, and it really was an amazing feeling:) I can’t wait for this little Poppy to come out. Love you and your family.

    Reply
  13. Daniella

     /  February 25, 2013

    Your honesty inspires me. Sending you love and thoughts of peace during this time when I know all you want to do is an inferno hike! FU Cancer!

    Reply
  14. hello Maya, I´m a spanish teenager. I’ve read your blog again and again for 4 or 5 times now. every time I read it I don´t know what to say. No words. I just can´t imagine what you had to pass through. Sincerely, you´re my idol. If someone can pass through all this hurt, everyone can. I really think that wherever Ronan is, he is for ever thankfull. Thank you very much for writing this blog. I’m very sure you’ve help more people than you think.

    Reply

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    She thought it was the best day ever, until she found out she had to leave Washington. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #nonono #notreadytogo #washingtonsummer #thisisnotthebestdayever That hair, though. #poppy #ronan #washingtonsummer #fucancer #poppyroo #nofilter #theadventuresofpoppy #hairenvy So beautiful. Happy Fuck Cancer Friday, Fuckers. #ronan #fucancer #fuckcancerfriday #fgif #cancerisanasshole #beautifulpoetry
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