Life without Ronan, is Not Wonderful, Merry, or Bright…


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Ronan. This time of the year is tough for me. I’m having a major mental road block in my head over every single thing that I am trying to get done. Shopping for holiday gifts, ordering holiday cards, deciding on what to pack for our trip when I still cannot believe that I do not get to pack a suitcase for you. The holiday card thing kills me the most. I don’t send them out personally anymore, but I do through your foundation. Try picking out a holiday card to design when you have a dead child. They all read, “Best Christmas Ever!” “Everything is Merry and Bright!” or my personal favorites, the one I would have sent out in my former life that simply says, “Happy Holidays!” which to me really reads, “We are perfect. Life is perfect. Everything is perfect, as it should be, and no child ever gets sick and dies from cancer!” Holy hell. It took me 3 days to pick out and design a simple fucking card. I put your picture of the front of it, giving the peace sign. I put a picture of the 4 of us, ugh, on the inside standing in front of your Star Wars Christmas Tree. Through my blinding tears, I managed to write my own happy version of our holiday card which consisted of something like, “Life without Ronan, is not wonderful. blahblahblahblah. But we are determined to make him proud. blahblahblahblah. Thank you for loving us and remembering what is truly important in life.” I wanted to end it by saying, “Fuck Cancer,” but I didn’t think my board members would approve of that so I held off. I will never be able to write a holiday card of fluff again. But I hope when people get that card and open it up they will understand a few simple things. From tragedy, can come good. From losing the most important thing that ever exists, your child, a family can survive the pain and turn it into doing good for others while falling apart at certain times, but not all the time. A family can stay together, hold each other up, and at the end of the day go to bed kissing each other, tucking each other in, telling their dead child goodnight with the promise that tomorrow, might just be an o.k. day.

Today was an o.k. day. It’s the little things though that can make my o.k. day all of a sudden, turn into a ugly cry sob fest in the car. That happened today. I was driving to my office, listening to Taylor Swift of course. Something about one of her lyrics, punched me in the gut. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. I kept thinking, “No, no, no, no, no. I can’t believe I don’t have his lips to kiss anymore. I can’t believe I don’t have his hand to hold. I can’t believe I don’t get to hear his little laugh or watch the way this sparkly blue eyes light up when he laughs or is doing something naughty. Please, no. I need him back.” I sobbed in the car until I arrived at my destination. I kept it together after that for the rest of the day. I kept it together only because I had a ton of shit to get done and I did not keep it together over my weekend of, “I’m hiding in my bed and not coming out.” I made myself power through today because of the slacking off I did all weekend long.

So.. I KNEW my last blog post was going to cause a major uproar. Most of the comments were lovely, but some were not. I was told everything from, “Your blog is ugly and you are ugly!” to “You just lost another reader.” “Ronan is right where he should be, with our heavenly father. You need to accept that.” What do I say to those nasty comments? Nothing except for thank you. Thank you for being so small minded that you will no longer be reading this blog. I do not need small-minded people on here. I understand it takes a special kind of person, to stick with me. I learned that a lesson a long time ago. It takes the kind of person that can let my words outrage them, but still find it in there hearts to continue reading because they get the bigger picture of all of this. They get that this isn’t about my beliefs, their beliefs, religion, anger or my grief. They get that this is about things that are bigger than themselves and their lives. This is about a very special boy who did not deserve to get childhood cancer and die but he did and because of that, GOOD will come out of it. This is about a BOY with the most beautiful blue eyes who’s mother loved him in the most insanely, passionate way possible that losing him may make it seem as though she has gone mad sometimes, and rightfully so. If my opinions offend you so much that you can just walk away this blog, then so be it. But I hope you remember that it is not me you have walked away from, but him. And for you, I feel sorry. Yes, I rant and rave about everything on here because these are MY feelings and this is MY blog. I am so sorry my being truthful about the things I feel offend you so much that you feel the need to spew such words of hate towards me. I honestly feel like some of the people in this world would be much more comfortable with the way I am handling my grief if I were popping pills or drinking myself to death. I honestly think we as a society are more comfortable with people numbing their pain then actually be true to it. I don’t drink. I don’t do drugs. I don’t smoke. My vice is telling the truth about this pain, my pain without much of a filter. That is MY right as a grieving, heartbroken mother and a choice I have made. I am proud of myself for this choice and I know it is something Ronan is proud of as well. As Ronan’s mom, NOBODY knows what this feels like for me because you were never his mother. He was mine and he was taken away from me and he shouldn’t have been. I will NEVER accept that or come to PEACE with that. I will learn to live with that and that is as good as it is going to get. I do not hate the almighty God. I not hate people who pray. I love them. Why do you think those are the people in my life that I am closest to? I get strength from them. I get love from them. I embrace them and all they believe in as long as they are not telling me what I am doing or feeling, is wrong. I do not hate the power of prayer, but I do question it. I prayed for my son every single day along with thousands of other people day and night and my child still died. So of course I question it all now. Anybody that has a problem with that, well those are your issues, not mine. I’m the one who had the love of my life ripped away from me in the blink of an eye. I’m the one who had to kiss the cold lips of my dead child. I’m the one that had to bathe his dead body and watched as he was taken away on a mother fucking gurney. So not so lovely little blog readers who say they will no longer be reading, I say GOOD FUCKING RIDDONS. At the end of the day, I know who I am and I am not an ugly person. YOU DO NOT KNOW ME, personally. To know me is to love me. I know that. I am not perfect. I am far from it, but the bottom line is, I have a very good heart, I am an outstanding mother, and I WILL FIX this world of childhood cancer even with all of my anger that apparently I am not supposed to have because I should be over it by now. NEWSFLASH!! Grief does not have an expiration date!!! I am quite simply sick of hearing all of that get over it talk. I will never get over the life my child was robbed of.  I will never get over life without him. I am a grieving mother who is trying her best to be honest and true to everything that I am questioning, exploring and feeling and I made the choice to share it with the world because I know that my voice, will change things for others. I am not holding a gun to your head and asking you to feel the same things or believe in the same things that I do. You don’t even know what I believe in, yet you are sure quick to sit back and judge away. I don’t understand what was so wrong about saying prayers and actions need to happen together because those are the two most powerful things in life. I am a realist. I know that prayers alone are not going to be what finds the CURE for childhood cancer. Or what keeps mentally ill gunmen out of our schools. That was the point of my last blog. How did you misconstrue that into something so ugly? I know why and deep down, you know why and I am going to leave it at that.

One last little thing. You know what else I hate more than anything? When people say, “Well, I prayed and I got my miracle.” As somehow, the thing you were praying for was more precious than my son, therefore your miracle was granted. That is so cold-hearted and mean. That is so selfish and sick. Think about the totally warped thing you are saying in your head, before you actually say it. As somehow, God picked you or your loved one because they were worth more than my Ronan or all these other kids out there who are dying or fighting terminal illnesses. You need to chickity check yo’ self before you wreck yo’ self. Thanks though for your unconditional love and support. Peace out Mo’ Fo’s. Have a nice life with that unicorn you ride on up in the sky.

Ronan. That was yesterday. This is today. I have a lot going on. I am having a lot of anxiety about Christmas morning and what it is going to feel like to sit there and watch your brothers in all their glory, unwrapping gifts when you are not there. I can’t stop thinking about Teddy’s family and the 7 other kids who died today from childhood cancer and what their holidays are going to feel like. I can’t stop thinking and hurting for all of those parents, siblings, friends, and relatives in Newtown. I walked into a store today and it was just like it was another normal day. Some really happy christmas song was on. It think it was the one about it being a holly, jolly christmas and the best time of the year. The song stopped me in my tracks. I felt like I was on that show, The Twilight Zone. I looked all around. Everyone was smiling, laughing, and the colors everywhere were so bright. Don’t they know about Ronan? Or Teddy? Well, surely they know about the shooting that just happened. Shouldn’t the world just stop for a little while? It all felt so wrong today. Shouldn’t we have a few days of silence and mourning as an entire county for a couple days. Shouldn’t we cancel Christmas this year? That feels like the right thing to do. The right thing to do does not feel like me finishing up my Christmas shopping. I didn’t. I abandoned my cart and aborted mission. I went to my car and bought my plane ticket for Teddy’s funeral instead. It’s January 6th. I made the decision last night to fly out to San Francisco to go. It’s the least I can do for Teddy and his family. Macy will go with me. My brave sweet friend who watched my child die, attended his funeral, and did not even hesitate to say yes to going to the funeral of another little boy, so I don’t have to go alone. That right there, is true love at it’s finest.

Alright, Ro. I’m getting off my soapbox for tonight. I’m sorry I had to vent. I have been holding all that in for a couple of days and I have been feeling like I am going to explode. That is my venting. Sorry it took over a majority of my writing to you. I hate when my anger interferes with that but I also know I can’t keep it bottled up inside. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

This is right after Ronan had his head cut open. Look at that smile. He was so happy just to be back in my arms again. That is the ONLY place he belongs, so please STOP saying otherwise. His smile says it all.

This is right after Ronan had his head cut open. Look at that smile. He was so happy just to be back in my arms again. That is the ONLY place he belongs, so please STOP saying otherwise. His smile says it all.

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227 Comments

  1. Right on Maya. I feel for you and continue to appreciate everything you write.

    Reply
  2. Jamie

     /  December 18, 2012

    Oh how I adore you! As a mother, I cannot imagine how anyone, *especially* another mother, could criticize you for anything you say. Your HEART has been ripped out. Phuck anyone who dares to judge you. Biatches!

    Reply
  3. Niki

     /  December 18, 2012

    First of all I have to say hahahaha

    Reply
  4. Mama Maya. You are Ronan’s Rockstar just as he was yours. You say whatever you need to say. I’ll be here to read it. I think your openness and truth is refreshing.
    Tessa

    P.S. goodnight, Ronan. You are so loved. Some of that love comes from people you never met, but I know that’s ok with you!

    Reply
  5. CheekyMomma

     /  December 18, 2012

    Maya – I hate that people feel the need to judge. All I want to do every time you post is fly to Phoenix and give you a hug. I found you through Taylor Swift and while I have been reading for months, I have never posted. I just want you to know that although we’ve never met – you can’t scare me away. Those nasty posters were just not strong enough to deal with your story. I don’t know if I am. But I do know that although we’ve never met, I think about you and your sweet boy and the rest of your family often. I’m not going to tell you to hang in there, or that it will get better. I am going to tell you that you can’t scare me away. That you are the bravest person I “know” (in a completely non-stalker weirdo way). That I hate what y’all have had to endure. And that I’m sending you so much love from the Lone Star state. I’m so so sorry about Ro, I really am. Fuck off, Cancer. Love you, Maya. XOXOXO

    Reply
  6. Caalypsö

     /  December 18, 2012

    You are a beautiful, wonderful person. You should know that.

    Reply
  7. Sylvia

     /  December 18, 2012

    I was actually dumbfounded when I read that people said all those things to you. We are all adults here. We may not always agree with each other’s point of view but we should respect it. And especially in this case. Like you said this is your blog and your feelings. No one should come in here and try to censor you. You keep doing what your doing. We are proud and Ronan is proud. The rest of the people can take their ignorance somewhere else.

    Reply
    • Danielle

       /  December 19, 2012

      yes…we should ALL respect everyone’s point of view…some folks just seem to be pointing out the obvious…Maya is very quick to judge others’ opinions and their priorities…this is not a ‘judgement’ it is simply the truth…obviously, she does this without any awareness, as she begs for people not to judge her, it is exactly what she is doing when she critiques the ways others behave…. it is a normal human response though and not anything that should be so offensive…

      Reply
      • Erica

         /  December 19, 2012

        How is she quick to judge others? When has she said anything judgmental about someone? Youre right we are all human, every last one of us but thats no excuse to judge othets and say terrible thing’s to a grieving mother! How would you feel if you had to sit day after day and watch your baby die and know you couldn’t do anything about it? Stop and think about how you’d feel if this happened to you before you start pointing out others flaws. Your not perfect either

  8. Shannon

     /  December 18, 2012

    Maya, I love that you tell the truth. I think its the best part of your blog- the realness. Rainbows and butterflies arent my gig, which is why I proudly subscribe to your blog to stay REAL. People could use a dose of reality I say, shitty things happen and people like you are feeling shitty over them so get over the fact that a rainbow isnt going to come shooting out of your ass anytime soon (no offense to Poppy). Everything you say is powerful in the way that if people could even take away one quarter of your conviction for fucking cancer then maybe they too would stand up for what they believe in! I support you Maya, I may not always agree- but that is coming from someone who has not even walked one step in your shoes. So who am I to question how you should or shouldnt feel? After I read your blog I find myself thinking, what can I do to make a change in this world? It keeps me awake at night wondering how I can make an impact, I have not come up with an answer yet- but Ill keep reading your thoughts looking for the real and raw inspiration I need to keep the fire going in my heart. Thank you Maya, dont change a damn thing-we love you!

    Reply
  9. ronansfan

     /  December 18, 2012

    I am for everything you write. Ur real honest and hld nothing back! You are so strong beautiful and I will always be a faithful blog reader! To the people who leave ur page I saY FUCK THEM, uve got so many more supporters on ur side then enemies. You enspire me every day to love my kids more today then yesterday and more tomorrow then today, and it actually took reading ur blog to realize how short life can be! I talk to your sweet Ronan every night since I started reading your blog. I say my thoughts to him also ( NOT GOD) I’m not a beleiver. But am also okay with people who are! Always stay true to you and Ronan and DONT EVER CHANGE! if people can’t see the good ur doing….well there missing out.

    Reply
  10. Ashleigh

     /  December 18, 2012

    Maya, I am SO sorry that you lost Ronan. I’m so sorry you’re so heartbroken, and that nothing I say can ever make that better. If I could have one Christmas wish, it would be for Ronan to be back in your arms. I truly and and sincerely mean that. Screw everyone that tells you how to grieve or feel. There is no perfect way to grieve, and you can do it however you want to. I love that you speak your mind and say what you feel. We need more people like you in this world. I’ll support you always, I hope you have more smiley days than tear filled ones, and that you have
    the Merriest Christmas that you possibly can. Love, Ashleigh

    Reply
  11. Trish Turney

     /  December 18, 2012

    You go girl!!!! Say whatever you like. You’re entitled. You’ve lost a child and most of us have no idea how that must feel and even imagining it is too hard to do. Trish

    Reply
  12. Niki

     /  December 18, 2012

    Crap!! My comment submitted itself. I was trying to say hahaha about the chickity check yo self before you wreck Yoself. And let me say something.
    I have prayed for miracles. I rated for a miracle when my babies father lay in a coma for three months. I listened to preachers say he would wake up. He never did. I prayed for a miracle and I didn’t get it. My beautiful unborn child was left without a dad. And I wondered why I wasn’t good enough for a miracle. I do t know the answer. I still try to have faith but I can’t lie. My faith was tests that day and sometimes I wonder if I really have my faith back. Someday a I wonder why me. Why fucking me! I have a motherfucking sob story like no ones business but at the end of the day I have no damn idea what I would do if I lost my child. I am a young mom. I have no patience. Somedays my son drives me ape shit, but he’s still here. And for that I know I am lucky. I know I am lucky to be driven insane and how lucky I am to look in his eyes and kiss his lips. But that doesn’t ago me from wondering what terrible thing I did in a past life. We all have pain. I feel like I failed my child by letting his dad die. I know it wasn’t my fault just as it wasn’t your fault that Ronan Died but as parents it is what we do. We question everything we did or didn’t do. Every choice we ever made. Reading uour story makes me realize how real grief is. And I love you for your honesty. I love that you don’t sugarcoat your feelings or your grief or yor faith. I question my faith now and I sues as hell would question it is my child was tied from this world. The same goes for the children who were taken by a mad gun man. Why! Many day they are in heaven but I don’t believe God would intend for them to be taken from their families. I dot believe it was Gods plan for them to be MURDERED! Drug dealers are shot, bad people are shot, not children. So please don’t ever sugarcoat a word you say. You will never know the change you are making in this world, not truly. You may not have built your hospital yet but damn it you are changing the world! You have changed my world. Not just because of what you are doing but because of your honesty. Your truth. Your heartbreak. Your belief in something bigger than you are. It may not be God as some wpuld define God but it is big. You are big (not a pregnancy comment haha) and I am glad I started reading this blog and I can’t wait to see the things you will do. One day I will meet you give you a big uncomfortable gig while bawling my eyes out and thank you for never stopping.
    Hey, maybe the Mayans will be right and in 2 1/2 days the world will end. You will get to hold and hug and kiss your Rpnan. Cheers(as I hold up my wine glass) and here’s to hopin!
    Sorry for all the typos. Ding dang iPhone auto correct.

    Reply
  13. I can’t believe anyone can have the nerve to call a grieving mother ugly!! If I lost one of my kids you’d better believe I’d be mad a hell and I like you would fight until my eying breathe!! Ugh!! People piss me off!! If you don’t like hat you read here than don’t read it!! Don’t you dare attack tho mother who is fighting to make a difference!!! If you can’t handle reading this blog than maybe you don’t have the stomach for this fight!! Because none of this is peaches and creams!! That’s why we need to fight cancer and change this bullshit!!! Fuck you cancer!!!

    Reply
  14. Ellen Roth

     /  December 18, 2012

    I am appalled that anyone could criticize you!! You are an inspiration to me and to so many other people as well as an incredible role model. I have never met you or your beautiful Ronan but I feel very connected to you! Don’t let those haters bother you–they clearly have no idea what you are going through. Keep writing and sharing!! I look forward to my daily Ronan fix!! Sending you much love from Toronto, Canada xo

    Reply
  15. Catherine McCullough

     /  December 18, 2012

    Sent from Catherine’s iPhone

    Reply
  16. I lost my little boy shortly after birth, and I HATED it when people told my husband and I to “stay strong.” Shut the fuck up and tell me that if and when you ever lose your child, morons…your writing exactly what you should for YOU, if people can’t handle it, screw them. Thank you for being so honest about what you’re feeling. I admire you, your son was precious and beautiful, and you will miss him forever. Take care of yourself, and know that there are people in this world who don’t judge…I lost my son 20 years ago, and wish I had had the guts to tell people how I was REALLY feeling after.

    Reply
  17. Kelley

     /  December 18, 2012

    I think you just may be the coolest person I know. And ironically, I have never met you. Cheers to your bravery and honesty, Maya. Your loss is nothing but unfair and devastating. Your drive to find a cure is astonishing; I consider you a Trailblazer. Not what you envisioned your life to be but taking your pain from loss and making it matter. Please keep writing and those of us with nothing but love and respect will keep reading and telling Ronan’s story. Keep on keeping on …

    Reply
  18. Brittany

     /  December 18, 2012

    Maya for president 2016!!

    Reply
  19. Kay

     /  December 18, 2012

    The people saying that shit to you obviously haven’t had their little child, practically still a baby, ripped away from fucking cancer. They haven’t had to bury their child from some sick messed up disease. This is YOUR blog and YOUR feelings and I respect everything you say, no matter what.

    Reply
  20. Lori

     /  December 18, 2012

    Maya, this is your blog and these are your posts. That’s the purpose of a blog, right? I have learned so much from you…thank you for your honesty, your courage, your willingness to be vulnerable. Those who judge you are missing the point…they are too busy criticizing when they could be learning. Their loss. Just keep doing what you are doing, sweetie. You are setting the world on fire and inspiring others to set their own fires. Love to you.

    Reply
  21. Jenny

     /  December 18, 2012

    I admire you so much you are so strong and i wish I could do something to bring your Ronan back, it amazes me how someone I don’t know and never met affected me in this way, I sometimes think about your little boy through out my day and I get upset because he was so young so innocent he should be with you he should be able to grow up, go to elementary school graduate high school fall in love and it isn’t fair it isn’t happening it isn’t fair that there isn’t a cure. And I agree you can’t just tell someone to move on and be over it he was YOUR BABY. Your flesh something you created out of love the pain never goes away, you can only keep going for your other boys and Ronan wherever he is he is with you and he wants you to keep fighting. I don’t know how it feels like to loose a child, I’m only 18 and this already scares me, please know that your son is loved by a stranger but a stranger who cares for him. Please know I care about you because you inspire me to keep being strong and to appreciate what I have and not complain about shit that doesn’t fucking matter. I hope you see this, Make this Christmas the best you can with your family.
    Much love xoxo

    Reply
  22. Katelin

     /  December 18, 2012

    Maya, I obsessively check my emails waiting for your blog post, I love reading about Ronan and his life. I love what you are doing for childhood cancer, I think it takes a very strong person to do what you do. For anyone to say otherwise or to tell a mother to get over the death of her child is very wrong! I think your blogs are soo awesome and I like that you never hold back!! Can’t wait to read more and I wish you the best of luck with your holidays this year!!

    Reply
  23. Your are Romazing & awe inspiring! You & Ronan are changing people lives, I know you & he changed my life:). If they don’t get it I feel sorry for them. Fuck Cancer! Love to you & your 4 boys(& Poppy;) from me & my 2 boys. ~Jennifer D.

    Reply
  24. I LOVE your blog, it is raw and it is real. I believe with every fiber of my being that you being you is what will make you successful with Ronan’s foundation. I believe they we can’t pray childhood cancer away, this is going to take action. I take actions several times a year donating to organizations that actually use their funds for childhood cancer. I DO NOT have a child with cancer but have “met” hundreds of children who have and I vow to fight for them until the day I die or the day there is a cure found. By donating I consider it an investment in our future leaders. I have walked the oncology floors a few times. It took one time for me to do this at PCH and I could never stop doing what I have done for over 1500 children all over the US. I am not rich but I am resourceful. I would LOVE to get together with you to help you do something in honor of Ronan for PCH. <3 The Blanket Fairy

    Reply
  25. Pamela

     /  December 18, 2012

    Love you Maya. Fuck the haters. I can’t deal with Christmas. This is hell on earth – something you know better than anyone.

    You are getting things done and we all thank you for your voice!

    Reply
  26. Cherie

     /  December 18, 2012

    Thank you for your blog. Grief is not some jug of milk with an expiration date on it. I lost my son 17 months ago and feel so lost. Reading your blog helps me to not feel alone.

    Reply
  27. Nicole

     /  December 18, 2012

    Well said girl… People that want to talk shit can go fuck themselves!! Your an amazing women that inspires people everyday. This world needs more people like you. A hard working dedicated mother that’s going to make a difference in this world…. Your going to save precious babies each day that you continue this journey. Children need people to stand up and fight for them, and your a prime example of what everyone should be doing. May you rest well tonight Maya, your little Ro is smiling proud.

    Nicole

    Reply
  28. Tracie

     /  December 18, 2012

    Just press delete when you see negative stuff… not worth reading… they either 1 – have not had a child, 2 – have not had a child suffer or pass…. they are not even worth reading!! I’m with you… the pain will never pass, prayers never help, and nothing will ever numb the feeling…

    Reply
  29. Eileen

     /  December 18, 2012

    Maya, continue to speak your truth. You are going to offend a lot of people along the way but it doesn’t matter. It’s always going to be that way. They don’t like what you have to say on YOUR and Ronan’s blog about YOUR life and YOUR feelings, then maybe this isn’t where they should be. Blog writing can leave a lot of room for interpretation anyway, but I think you have over a million (right?) of us who get it. those who know you, love you, and those of us who don’t know you except for how youve let us in through this blog, have come to love you and your family. We will continue to do so. No one can take your feelings away from you, or your voice or your fight. Who would dare have the balls to Post such hurtful Things? Prayer alone doesn’t make it all better. Just bc some people are granted “their miracles” doesn’t mean their praying got them what they asked for. How does anyone know that. Because if prayer alone could save the world then it would have happened already.
    Anyway, your fighting the good fight. And you seem pretty damn amazing at it. Thinking about you all.

    Reply
  30. Michelle

     /  December 18, 2012

    Oh maya I’m so sorry for Ronan and for all those ppl saying hateful things to you f’em!!! I read your blog bc I line to think I do, in a sense get what you are saying. I will never know bc I have not list a child and hope I never do. But I seem to get the most misunderstood ppl some times ! Seriously ! And to the ppl who said they are not going to read anymore they apparently were reading for the wrong reasons in first place … But there are more ppl who support you and no matter how you feel or what you want to say I’m listening I can hear you and no matter what you say how dark it can get you need to be heard!! I have never thought you were wrong or stupid or anything about the way you are feeling sometimes it Is good to just let it out no matter how it sounds!!! Any way I don’t know if I make any sense at all I’m running on few hours of sleep and am a little delirious lol but I know what Iam trying to say and I hope you do!! Bottom line is I support you and believe in you maya!! ( ps I’m not some obsessed weirdo Just thought I’d say i just believe in what u stand for … sorry just had to put that out there )

    Reply
  31. Mommy of 2

     /  December 18, 2012

    Maya,
    I can’t imagine what would possess people to.write hateful things to you. Even though it tears me up inside I love reading your blogs b/c.they are real. I would loose my mind if I lost one of my children. I am a Christian and I do believe in God and I do pray for you and your family (even if I happen to.just be awake in the middle of the night checking on my baby). I don’t judge you for grieving or for feeling pain that must be new and fresh everyday. I wish I could take it all away. I wish I could bring

    Reply
  32. Natasha Diklić

     /  December 18, 2012

    I love you! And I will forever be Ro lovie. :) people should shut the fuck up bcoz they don’t know wts it like to loose a child! If they have nothing nice to say they shouldn’t say anything.

    Reply
  33. You continue to inspire me Maya and Ronan!
    I am so sorry u are always hurting.! And your words to the not so nice ex readers was spot on. Who are they to judge?
    Its funny we have Taylor days at my house, my boys think I am crazy and I to can be stopped in my tracks over a lyric to a song, or the way people take life for granted. Annoys the crap out of me!
    Anyway sorry for rambling..just wanted u to know you have love and support and you keep Ronan alive in our hearts and minds with your words. Maya and Ronan Thompson, true heros <3

    Reply
  34. Faith without works is dead- isn’t that a huge Christian philosophy? I think that that’s the basis of what your last post was saying, and I agree.

    Thank you for being honest. Thank you, truly.

    Another mama who’s lost a little one wrote a post about grief, that it’s a big piano on the stage of life that just gets pushed around. Worth a read. Here’s the link to her post wherein she links to the article detailing the piano analogy: http://www.sullengers.com/2011/06/different.html.

    Reply
  35. Margo Fishel

     /  December 18, 2012

    As a parent I can’t even imagine the pain you are going thru or will continue to go thru for the rest of your life..No new baby can ever replace Ronan. I know you will never find peace but maybe you can find some numbnest. My heart bleeds for you and your family.. Your whole life has changed…and not for the better. Thank you for creating Ronan’s Foundation so others may help fight childhood cancer. May you win the war and help bring an end to childhood cancer.

    Reply
  36. Amanda Ervin

     /  December 18, 2012

    Maya,

    Only you know what it’s like to have ugly fucking cancer kill your beautiful baby boy Ronan. If people are offended then so be it. Screw ‘em. You are such a strong inspiring woman. I hope I love my babies as much as you love yours. I share y’all’s story with every one I meet. We have to get the word out that we will not stand for children dying from this ugly devestaing disease. Keep being yourself & know you have so many people who support you & your thoughts. Much love from Texas.

    Reply
  37. Tiah Sumner

     /  December 18, 2012

    Maya, I think you are beautiful inside and out! I wish I had an ounce of the courage you have to speak the truth about how I feel. You have helped me in so many ways. I’m am not hurting for the same reasons as you and my feelings don’t compare even a little to what you are going through. But your words give me perspective! By the way I would give anything to have you as my mother. Or even to feel a smidgin of love that you gave ronan in his short four years! I truly believe you two were soulmates, and that’s why I will always read what you write! I hope one day I will be half the mother and woman you are! I am so sorry you even have a reason for this blog! Your voice matters to me! Thank you! XO Tiah 22

    ( I feel the same way, I feel like the world has stopped moving since Friday)

    Reply
  38. Melissa

     /  December 18, 2012

    You are amazing!!!!! I have no idea what you are going thru and (not to sound selfish) hope I never do. I have taken to reading your blog over the past few months finding it after keeping up with SuperTy’s blog. I love your honesty ( I went back and read your blog start to present). Ronan was a beautiful wonderful child and it makes me sick that cancer took him from this world! FUCK CANCER!!!!! I am behind your fight against pediatric cancer with full force! I will not tell you happy holidays since I know you are not truly happy (understandably so) but I do hope you enjoy the time with twins and your family.

    Reply
  39. chrissy

     /  December 18, 2012

    I’m not a blog commentor, more like a spectator. But, the time to speak up is now. In support of you, your family and everything you’re working tirelessly for. NO ONE should criticize ANYTHING your’re feeling. Your feelings are yours to own. It’s your honesty and bravery that keep many more specatators like me following your blog. We’re silent warriors who are along with you in this journey, checking in on you to makes sure you’re breathing, drinking, and eating. When you’re ready to smile again, we’ll smile with you. But no one’s rushing you. This is YOUR journey and if it people don’t appreciate that, they can find the rainbow and unicorn website.

    Reply
  40. Julie

     /  December 18, 2012

    Again i say well said. If peoplemdont like what yiu have to say they should stop reading, good riddons. Peolplemneed to stop tnking of themsleves

    Reply
  41. I just started reading your blog and while we are complete strangers, I have found comfort in your honesty. I did not lose a child but I did lose a father that raised me to colon cancer and the grief I feel for that almost 2 years later brings me to my knees when I try to imagine what that would feel like if it were a child my child…Maya – I would/could not survive it… I know… I am NOT that strong (I used to think I was pretty damn tough – no one is that tough… no one) it is not fair, it is NOT God’s will and it is not because you did not do enough… you love Ronan and he loves you… you fought for him and you will fight for him till your dying breath….if it gives you a small respite to express your pain on here, to let others know that it is OK to hurt and that you never “get over” it – then post… post as many times a day as you want… use as many cuss words and exclamation points as you want…. because you’re correct the alternatives are meds booze or checking out…and dear sweet Maya that pain is driving you right now… it is giving you the strength to fight to do everything in your in power to make sure no other mother EVER has to tell their baby it is ok to go. So no other mother has to feel they failed or didn’t do enough – for what it is worth I get it – as much as a stranger in Texas can get it… but I do want to say Thank You… for lives that are going to be saved by what you are doing – for the changes that will come from your loss….I am sorry – for the ignorant people and the heartless comments..and I am oh so very sorry Ronan is gone and will buy a t-shirt or donate or every once in a while try to post an encouraging word…whatever small thing I can do to help – because I don’t know why and I don’t understand – but I do know that great things are yet to come and they will be named for Rockstar Ronan because his Mama refused to let him be forgotten – Jen

    Reply
  42. “& all we are is skin and bone trained to get along.”
    …clearly taylor forgot to mention some people need trained better!
    I’d say ignore when people say negative stuff but no, no, no. Don’t ignore them. Laugh at them. Cuss at them. Give them hell. No one can understand you. We may have similar stories but we aren’t you. We can’t even begin to understand how you feel because we’re all different.
    I was in such denial about the alzheimers slowly killing my grandmother. I watch her daily slip further from me. She practically raised me and now she’s saying she wishes i was dead or asking who i am half the time. You taught me to be angry. To scream and yell and use my damn voice to say how the hell i feel about it. I’m not holding it in anymore. I’m out here saying why the hell isn’t my prayer being answered? Why is my grandmother being killed slowly like this? Why is she scared and mean and confused? WHY THE HELL IS THERE NO MIRACLE!?

    Hell no prayer isn’t going to change anything. People have to take a stand. You have become an idol to me. When I grow up I hope i can be as amazing as you. I hope i can make a difference like you. I hope i can be as brave as you. I hope i’m not afraid to voice my opinion or cry because i need too. I hope i can say fuck in so many awesome ways and still sound classy.

    Anyone judging you after everything you have been through clearly has not truly read any of your blog.

    “I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here because i remember it all too well.”
    Taylor speaks to you maya (:

    Reply
  43. Lisa

     /  December 18, 2012

    I can’t imagine the pain you feel on a daily basis. I have three grown children and one grand-baby and they are the loves of my life. I do know someone that lost their son to suicide. The day she found her son dead is also the day she died. She turned to alcohol and pills.She has three more children and they lost a brother and mother that day. She has not been the same in 7 years. I know that a child’s death can destroy a parent. This is a close friend of mine that it happened to. I lost my father to Hodgkins in 2002. My world came crashing down that day. I was so broken hearted that I thought I was going to die. I was finally able to accept his death but I would never be able to accept one of my children or grand-babies dying. NO WAY….I found your blog about 5 or 6 months into you writing it. I have been here all the way. I can’t tell you how many tears I’ve cried reading this blog. I have cried fountains. It is hard for me to phantom that someone can be so cruel and unkind to you or anyone that has lost a child. I think you are doing the right thing with writing this blog. I hope that no one ever gets you down with the unkind words they say. You keep on doing what it takes to keep you going. You are one amazing lady to me.
    <3 Lisa .

    Reply
  44. Jen

     /  December 18, 2012

    Stay true. Stay the course.

    Reply
  45. I’ll be here to read all your blogs like I always do! Don’t mind does people they are NOONE to judge you! Keep doing what you’re doing there’s many people that support you! Ronan is super proud! :)

    Reply
  46. Jacqueline Mummert

     /  December 18, 2012

    I’d like to say i cannot believe someone could call you ugly over a heartache they can’t even begin to understand…but that would be a lie. People are ugly. So ugly. You have enough to handle. Forget them.

    I love you, your whole beautiful family. I really fucking HATE your story. I wish it was different..not as much as you of course. You’re doing amazing things. I’m rooting for you. You can’t go wrong, you have your warrior leading the way!! Even tho i honestly agree that he should be here. Fuck angel wings. Angel wings are for grandparents that have had full lives. Not your Ronan. Not any babies. Ever. Xoxo

    Reply
  47. Amen to that. Screw those ignorant assholes they have NO clue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  48. Jessica

     /  December 18, 2012

    I’m tend to be a silent reader, but tonight I have to speak up. It absolutely disgusts me that people would say things like that to you. You are a truly beautiful person, inside and out. You are an inspiration. Reading this blog has changed my outlook on life. I’ve started to figure out what really matters. I am so sorry took a beautiful boy dying for me to figure it out, but now that I have, I’m fighting this fight too. Childhood cancer’s ass will be kicked. I’m donating and trying to help to turn the White House gold. I’m so sorry that Ronan died and it took that happening for me to realize these things.
    I love you, Ro, and your whole family <3 <3
    Jess

    Reply
  49. Ana

     /  December 18, 2012

    Dear Maya: this is the first time i write to you. first I wanted to tell what an amazing woman you are, I want to be like you some day and have a beatiful family like yours. I admire you so much.. I cant even imagine how hard it must be for you to keep going, but you still do it in the most amazing way. I also respect you for saying what you think, even though sometimes + dont share your points of view.. I truly belive Ronan isnt in pain anymore and is waiting for you somewere, because he belongs with you. He is everywere now, even here in Argentina. I will tweet you later the purple trees that grow here that remind me so much of Ronan. You are so lucky for having the privilege of being his mother. You and woody made the most perfect child, you gave him everithing you could as a mother and should be proud. I wanted you to know that I will be thinking of you in Christmas and praying for you to stay strong. I know how you fell about prayers, but take it as a love gesture from someone far far away Goodbye, keep fighting for Ronan, Ty, Teddy and all the other children who died fighting in ways that most grownups couldnt. They did deserve better..

    Reply
  50. Glenda

     /  December 18, 2012

    The nerve if some people. To rhat i say fuck them all. Ignorant folks that don’t think before they speak. Believe what tbey believe but don’t knock others down for their beliefs. Don’t judge your grieving! Fucancer!!!

    RoMama, I can’t imagine doing Christmas / holiday cards since 2004. Since my mother died of mfucking cancer!!! My mother. My best friend. Not my child!!!

    Thank you for sharing with all of us. I’ve been here since Dec 2010. #mayasmafia
    Behind you and Rockstar Ronan I stand!!!

    Fucancer!!!
    Rolove always!!! XO you are romazing. Kick ass mama like your spicy monkey!!!

    Hope you get wrapped up in your mothers arms this holiday, and find comfort in her love!
    XO

    Reply
  51. Leona

     /  December 18, 2012

    As long as you keep writing this blog, I am here to stay. I can’t believe people actually had the nerve to say any of that crap to you! I’ve never been in your situation and even I know this is something that a person will NEVER get over. It’s not rocket science. You and your family are always on my mind, especially sweet Ronan. I hope you get through the holdays as best as you can. You are such an amazing person and an even more amazing Mommy. I know I’ve never met you but I can just tell the love you have for your kids is out of this world! I know you will do amazing things in honor of your sweet boy. You already have. Much love to you and your family.

    Reply
  52. Do you have ANY idea how many responses I write to people’s bullshit comments on here and then remind myself that this is not my blog and therefore probably not my place to say things in retaliation and delete them? Sometimes my anger and indignation gets the better of me but most of the time I don’t want to start a fight on your blog so I keep it to myself. I just want to defend you from people all the time because I think it’s so wrong to attack a mother over her feelings about her child who has died.

    Never once has though of abandoning this blog, you and Ronan crossed my mind. You are a constant course of strength and inspiration for me and so many others. We love you, Maya. Fuck the haters.

    Reply
  53. Amber

     /  December 18, 2012

    I love you, Maya. I know that you do not know me and that I do not know you. Not really. But I love your raw honesty. I think that the world needs more of it, instead of trying to wrap everything up in a pretty nice bow and pretend everything is wonderful. You are an amazing woman and the things that you are doing because your Ronan was ripped away from you far too soon is going to help another family . Hopefully one day no other family will have to bury their child because of this horrible childhood cancer. Ronan, where ever he is I am sure is looking down and is so proud of you. I will ray for some cofort and some peace for your family this Christmas.

    Reply
    • Amber

       /  December 18, 2012

      *will pray for some comfort and some peace for your family this Christmas.

      Reply
  54. Danielle

     /  December 18, 2012

    Thank-you for sharing this photograph. I deeply appreciate it. It captures so much between you both and individually. What a loving bond you share.

    Reply
  55. Dear Maya you are indeed a wonderful beautiful mother and your right Ronan belongs with you and in your arms

    Reply
  56. Maya…when I read your post friday it took me aback. I had posted something on Friday to the tune of “Praying for the Families” and your words stung a little bit. I reflected on it over the weekend and realized that me personally I think/say/utter “praying for whatever” whenever I feel like I just have no other option…Friday I felt that way. I felt like there was nothing I could do to possibly wrap my head around what happened. I’m already angry that so many kids die of cancer…how can we take away more senselessly…so I felt left with nothing…so in my mind I prayed.
    But in no possible way did I think that me + praying would solve anything. I honestly do admire people that think that power of prayer heals or whatever…but I just can’t believe in a God or anything that chooses one persons prayers over anothers. But it doesn’t mean I won’t send my good thoughts/intentions out to the universe…begging to make sense of things I can’t.
    Morever you are so right — so many people just say — we need prayer…but they don’t put their time/money/conversations, etc. where their prayers are…
    Since I first read your blog (Thanks to Taylor Swift) I have been talking to everyone that will listen about Ronan..and Ty…and Teddy…and asking them to think about Childhood Cancer. I get angry that people tell me that I should stop thinking about things that are so depressing…or that they can’t believe I’m concerned about something that isn’t in my life…and I just want to scream…but it could be. And it’s even greater than that…it’s just regular compassion, concern, care for others…people think they have it — but they don’t a lot of times…they are thoughtless…selfish…self absorbed. I’m sure I even fall into that category too often…but after learning about Ronan I have tried to think about things differently. And I try to get others to think about it too.
    Anyway — I’m going on and on — sorry for that — the end is that you are amazing in your message. Thank you for opening my eyes…empowering me to talk about Ronan and sharing your life with us. I hope the next week finds moments of joy and a great dream from Ronan.

    Reply
    • Melissa McClelland

       /  December 19, 2012

      I “ditto” what she said. Writing has never been a strong point for me- but you summed it up! Nicely said

      Reply
  57. Christina

     /  December 18, 2012

    Maya,
    I, too have been reading your blog for quite some time now and felt that this particular post was worthy of some “rock-on Ro-Momma” praise. Your fiery personality has, and will continue to have, such a profound impact on the treatment and CURE of this fucktard (my new favorite word… Thanks for that one!) called PEDIATRIC cancer (as if the word “cancer” isn’t enough to make your blood boil, put “pediatric” in front if it and it REALLY looks shitty). To say you are a hero is an understatement and any “believer” in miracles should see that all of the good that has and will come out of the horrible loss of your son is a miracle to someone else. A man by the name of Nick Vujicic wrote a book about putting “faith into action” that is synonymous with your last post… Prayer can be powerful but in order to achieve the BEST results we have to put prayer and faith into action and DO something to make a difference! YOU, Maya, are one of the greatest examples of this and I can’t wait to see what you are going to do with this Foundation! You will always have my support and the support of many others regardless of the differences in our beliefs so keep up the good work and know that we are behind you 100%!!!
    P.S. as a nurse, I find it difficult these days to refrain from referring to IV poles with beeping pumps as “ass poles” oops…
    Much love to you and your family as you approach the upcoming Holidays <3

    Reply
  58. iamommyhearmeroar

     /  December 18, 2012

    You are my hero.., you are a hero to all of us who get it.. Do you want to be a hero.. Not normally, just a mommy but a big FU to cancer… I wear my purple braclet with pride. I think of you, of all your boys, of Poppy. If someone can not get over themselves to get it, to have any kind of compassion for you than there is the door and close it tight! The rest of us we are in this, with you, for the long hall.. We love you..

    Reply
  59. Keri

     /  December 18, 2012

    Being truly honest with your feelings and writing takes much more courage and strength than to criticize and judge. Thank you for writing to Ronan. I will continue to follow your blog, because you are one very loud voice that is making a difference in many ways.

    Reply
  60. Keri

     /  December 18, 2012

    I LIKE YOU!!! Your honesty and directness are refreshing in a world where we are supposed to only express ourselves without offending others. Ronan’s story has changed my life in too many ways to mention. All for the better. I find myself more patient and understanding with everyone and everything around me. So much of the little shit just does not matter, does it? I wish you and your family peace this holiday season.
    Keri

    Reply
  61. I am a Ronan lover for almost 2 years. Not going anywhere! I wear my bracelets proudly…especially since you took the time to drop them off at ninja sushi on your way to Coronado Island.

    You got pissed at me for “liking and unliking” a pic on Instagram (it was really my 4 year old who said “Oohhh, mama I like dat red harp”). Still I’m going NOWHERE!! Lol! I’m like a fly on shit, I’ll be back for more! (You aren’t really shit and I’m really not a fly!!).

    Your blog has taught me a thing or two and as a student nurse, it has made me a better person in this field where I will inevitably see death and cancer. Thank you for that.

    Love, a forever Ro Lover.

    Reply
  62. Kayle

     /  December 18, 2012

    Maya,

    I’m a huge follower of yours and have tweeted you a few times. I am also a strong Christian. God did not intend for your little boy to be taken away. I honestly don’t know what the plan is, if there is one. It’s ok to hurt and hurt forever. You have had something so beautiful and wonderful taken from you that NO ONE will ever understand. You will never “get over” that or “move on” from that. That doesn’t make you a weak person or whatever everyone is saying, that makes you a strong person. A person who still allows themselves to feel and hurt and love someone even when it hurts this badly. And people sitting around praying do nothing when they are not willing to fight for change. Even the crazy “Christians” that refuse to follow your blog should agree with that. God gave us all free will and you are using that to fight like hell to make this world a little better of a place and rid it of an asshole called cancer. You are learning to live with the pain which is so much braver than letting it go. You are letting it and your beautiful, blue eyed, boy drive you to do good. You are honest and that makes this more real and more possible. Yell at God, tell Him you hate Him. Because the God I know of can take it, and understands. Don’t let those discourage you. Fuck Cancer, fuck Christmas. This whole commercialized bullshit about spending one day a year to tell the ones you love that you care about them by buying them a sweater thing isn’t what it is supposed to be about. Your family and many (including tragically many in newton) know everyday is Christmas when you have a family that is whole. The thousands of gifts will never make up for what you lost. Know that there are many out there like myself who know nothing about your pain but pray for you. We pray for your family, and all the other kids who fight cancer, hunger, thirst and everything else that is unfair. But more than that we are standing beside and behind you to make a change and make this world a better place by ACTING and doing our part. Ro-Love to you and your family always. Ronan is making this world a better place.

    Reply
  63. Alisa

     /  December 18, 2012

    Oh Maya,
    I wish you were my friend, but you are not
    I love you and ronnan dearly. I read for month never commenting.

    Don’t get me started on God. I was 19 when the war In Bosnia started, was a refugee in Croatia , Malaysia and finally settled here in the USA. Didn’t know if my parents were dead or alive for 4 years. Fuck it, it was awful. And people would tell me: god saved you. And I always make sure to correct them: no I saved me. I made decision to run away , the day was favorable ( as Serbs decided not to bomb the bus I was on), they decided not to take me out of the bus ( they took out many probably shoot them, rape who knows…)the bridge I was crossing exploded 2 days after and hundreds died on it trying to run away like me. If you ask me its all coincidence, luck, randomness … Not god that’s for sure. If he exists I am so angry with him since he allowed 360,000 people to be killed (50,000 children and babies including my neighbors and cousins). And they tell me god saved me and love me??? And all those people didn’t deserve it, like I am better than them. Fuck that again. When i had miscarriages people would say: your baby is an angel now, god loves it happened for a reason, and i reply: yeah the reason is i have septate uterus. LuckLy I hade 2 live births after that, Now 8 & 5 year old boys. Dario is Ronnan age. I feel for you. Everything you say I absolutely understand and you will not loose ME as your faithfull reader. Wtf is wrong with people??? OMG I didnt want this comment to turn to be about me.
    Maya, if you need help I am right here in Ann Arbor MI for you

    Love you and run for president!!!

    Reply
  64. Sara

     /  December 18, 2012

    You are truly amazing and have every right to feel and express how you feel. Screw all that say otherwise. Your blog has truly opened my eyes and am greatful to read what you write. And also greatful you are doing so much to fight childhood cancer. Ronan is such a beautiful little boy, and has touched a place in my heart. Thank you for continuing to tell us your story.

    Reply
  65. Phuck anyone that judges you! You are allowed to think and feel and grieve anyway you choose to think and feel and grieve! Honey, I live and was born and raised in the Bible Belt of the South and some of these Gossiping Bible beaters with their peace fish on the back of their cars are the most superficial, judgemental azzholes on the planet! They spew equine feces on a daily basis!! Phuck them! I am not sure what your beliefs are and I like you no matter what but just follow me in this for a sec.. I promise I am going somewhere with it… I was raised Methodist, my grandfather was a very conservative methodist preacher in Big Wealthy Southern Churchs around the state. The only time he brought up religion was if you asked him. He never judged and he always allowed me to be a free thinker. I was raised with that foundation, in college I was best friends with a Hindu so I was all interested in that r and read about Buddhism and had Jewish friends and went to the synagogue for several Barmitzvahs etc… I became at some point very intrigued with pastlives and past life regressions (Read Brian Weiss Many lives many masters) (Worth the read)…. ANYWAY, all that kind of shaped my thinking process on Life, Death, afterlife, purpose etc. I truly believe their is purpose for everything. Purpose for you reading this, purpose for my crazy ass to take time to read your blog and write this (Very unlike me bc I don’t usually do this).
    I know you must believe that Ronan is one of your Soul mates and you have spent many lives with him… I believe you know that and believe that. You have to… I believe that in each life you have a trial and lessons to learn and by learning and achieving you become a better, more enriched person a “brighter light”. I believe Ronan’s life was not in vain. Ronans short little life was his exact purpose. The purpose to save all these other little lives to do what you are doing, fighting cancer like phucking hell! I believe that he choose you as his momma for this life because he knew you would do just what you are doing! I know it must hurt like hell, that broken heart of yours and I don’t know how you do it but you do… And you are doing exactly what he wanted you to do. I also believe that you will see him again, you will live life with him again. I also know that does not help your hurt and your shattered heart right now and yes… That just sucks big hairy balls!!! (I hope I at least got a smile?) I believe in many aspects of many religions because to me religion is just history. My faith is different, my faith is in God and I don’t blame you at all for being pissed off and wanting phucking answers and not understanding. I don’t judge you about that or anything else. Im not saying my beliefs or way of thinking is right, I am just asking you to give it some thought. Big hugs Maya Girl!! You are loved!!! PS You know why I don’t think comes to you everynight in your dreams very vividly?? Because if he did and if you remembered he did you would want to sleep all the time to see him. I know I would… He knows there is work for you to do, work for both of you to do! =)

    Reply
  66. Kim Richards

     /  December 18, 2012

    OK Maya. This is Kim here. I am a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner for what it’s worth and work with children and families in a psychiatric hospital. After reading your blog (and others) I have decided to work with Cancer Mom’s and families.
    I know the difference between grief and depression.
    You Are Depressed. Depression is treatable. You will NEVER get over losing Ronan. NEVER. But reality is; the sun keeps on rising and setting every day and life goes on without him. I have lost a child, so I’m not talking out my ass here. You don’t feel “merry or bright” OK, that’s a CHOICE. Cancer does suck. FUCK CANCER. Yes, I get it.
    You are not only alive, but carrying a life inside you. Poppy didn’t ask to be born, yet she’s coming. You can’t stop it. Do some research on what the effects of a depressed mother are on a newborn baby, it interferes with bonding and attachment. You might not care now, but you will. She will. Or you will have on top of everything else an attachment disordered child. You can rip me a new asshole but that doesn’t change reality either.
    Anger comes from DEMANDING that reality be different than it is. That doesn’t change reality, it only makes you more miserable.
    Stop listening to fucking Taylor Swift. The music/song wasn’t that great. (I’m also a musician) Ha! Listen to ‘Tomorrow Wendy’ by Andy Prieboy if you want to experience vitriolic anger at death and ‘god’. ”
    I told the priest, Don’t count on any second coming
    God got his ass kicked the first time he came down here slumming
    He had the balls to come, the gall to die and then forgive us
    No, I don’t wonder why, I wonder what he thought it would get us
    Hey, hey, good bye
    Tomorrow Wendy’s going to die”
    Everybody dies. That’s true. You are alive. If you are suicidal, OK you’re suicidal, but
    be careful; if you decide to kill yourself to “be with Ronan” consider that you might get the opposite. My mother committed suicide, so again, I’m not talking out my ass and don’t share this with just anyone.
    I’m not offended by your “rants”. It is your blog, yet there is also the opportunity to “leave a comment”. I have postponed saying anything until now. I would not be a therapist worth shit if I didn’t speak up. I know more about this than you do.
    Please; in your own words, “From tragedy, can come good. From losing the most important thing that ever exists, your child, a family can survive the pain and turn it into doing good for others while falling apart at certain times, but not all the time. A family can stay together, hold each other up, and at the end of the day go to bed kissing each other, tucking each other in, telling their dead child goodnight with the promise that tomorrow, might just be an o.k. day.”
    tell me, is this your truth? If so, it’s not that believable.
    Reality is, your living children deserve and need a mother who can accept reality and live in the present.. What exactly is a “lovely” blog response. Agreeing with you that anyone who offers an opinion that you should “move on” doesn’t know about grief? Give me a fucking break! I know about grief. I will not share the stories I have heard from children who had no say in what adults who should know better did to them.
    Am I allowed to vent, or is that privilege reserved for you Maya?

    Reply
    • Jen

       /  December 18, 2012

      Ha! Therapist my ass…a real therapist would NEVER belittle a song tribute to a mother’s dead son. Piss off.

      Reply
    • Bronwyn

       /  December 18, 2012

      You, whomever you are, can go fuck yourself. This comment is disgusting, inappropriate, and ignorant. You should be ashamed. Truly, truly ashamed. I am at a loss for words….

      Reply
    • Tiah

       /  December 18, 2012

      Vent yes, but you can go be a Know It All else where! You also have the choice to be kind! Whether the song Taylor wrote wasn’t up to your standards it was beautiful and also raised a lot of funds for the Ronan Thompson Foundation. You were unprofessional. If Maya is suicidial/depressed she is still breathing, and I fucking commend her. It takes a very strong person to keep breathing when everything in your being is telling you to quit! Worse feeling in the world! Love you Maya

      Reply
    • Brittany

       /  December 18, 2012

      Don’t listen to Kim she’s trippin on some psychiatric drugs.

      Reply
      • Kirsty

         /  December 19, 2012

        Completely agree – those poor patients who have Kim as a psychiatric nurse… she is going to mess them up in all kinds of way. Incredible that she can diagnose without having met Maya, and think she is so amazing that she can relate ‘from other people’s stories’. I have never heard such a ridicious comment from a so called professional – clearly Kim is not.

    • its her blog. don’t be mean to her on it.

      Reply
    • Crystal

       /  December 19, 2012

      You obviously don’t know what you are talking about. That song is everything maya and Ronan said to each other or lived together. Asshole. Musician my ass.

      Reply
    • Stacey

       /  December 19, 2012

      I don’t even know what to say to this. Go to hell, Kim. Go straight to hell.

      Don’t listen to this cold hearted bitch, Maya. If she feels this way after losing a child, she’s just in denial. Ronan’s song is absolutely breathtaking, as are Ronan, you, and your entire family.

      Reply
    • Taylor

       /  December 19, 2012

      A psychiatric nurse practitioner? A musician? A therapist? Good lord woman, you seem to be able to do it all! Why don’t you cure childhood cancer if you are so good at everything? Kim’s a fart face.

      Reply
    • Beth

       /  December 19, 2012

      Kim. I went through a very traumatic experience right after I found out I was pregnant with my third son. I was so stressed the entire pregnancy and worrying about what it was doing to my unborn child stressed me out more. I am a nurse and know many nurse practitioners. None of them would dream of giving medical advice to someone they had never talked to. Especially since Maya is seeing a therapist. By the way my third son and I have an amazing bond. No attatchement disorder.

      Reply
      • Beth

         /  December 19, 2012

        I would like to add one more thing. My husband is a grief counselor and has struggled at times wanting to reach out to someone he thinks he can help. I know for a fact he wouldn’t dare diagnose someone as depressed and throw in scare tactics to someone who is actively seeking out treatment. I do believe you should rethink your profession my dear.

    • shamrock09

       /  December 20, 2012

      Kim, grief has no time limit. i think you are wrong i think Maya is still grieving. it is not that long since ro passed away for gods sake. i also think she may be in shock!!!! she really believed he wouldnt leave her!!!!! we all did!!! anyone who has watched their baby die and suffer in front of their eyes and can still even get up in the morning is a hero to me. never mind run a foundation in his name to help other children in his name – SLEFLESS!!! Thats what Maya is.. she is also the best Mama any child could ask for, she is already in love with poppy and god she adores her twins.I love her and she can listen to whatever fucking music she likes!!!! i also think anti depressants or whatever it is your trying to suggest would do a lot more harm to mayas baby poppys health then the fact that maya cries a bit during the day when she is alone. GO – AWAY!

      Reply
    • maureen

       /  December 20, 2012

      Kim, congratulations, that was by far the dumbest comment I have read in a while (not just on this blog, but on the internet). If you are really a psychiatric nurse I pray for the poor souls who end up as your patients; frankly you sound like a deluded nutcase.You don’t seem to have the slightest clue about mental health, grief, or depression. Just another moron hiding behind her computer screen playing armchair diagnostician when you don’t know shit. Yes, you are entitled to your opinion, and we are entitled to call you out for being a clueless little bitch. Fuck you and fuck cancer.

      Reply
    • eangel88

       /  December 20, 2012

      Kim – What is a lovely blog response? How about just offering support without judgment or internet diagnosis? You claim to be a professional, but your words in your post contradict this assertion. As others have stated, a true professional would not write what you wrote under the guise of being a psychiatric nurse practitioner/therapist. You seem to have the need to prop up your argument with personal experience, as if this makes it more viable (I’m a musician, my mother committed suicide). Everyone’s experiences are their own. Maya’s blog is her own. Others should not vent on here, so no, you’re not allowed to vent against a grieving mother without blowback from others. Can’t you see how unkind that is? If you want to vent, start your own blog.

      Reply
    • DylBert

       /  December 20, 2012

      Kim is no therapist. She is a Troll as in someone who is posting things just for a reaction. How sick do you have to be to be a Troll on this website and on this topic. Disgusts me.

      Reply
  67. Ana

     /  December 18, 2012

    Hell yeah Maya! I love it when you get sassy and tell it like it is.
    Your raw emotions are what make this blog so powerful and unique. Those bitches who got a problem with that don’t know a good thing when they see it!

    Reply
    • Ana

       /  December 18, 2012

      By the way, I think I’m going to start telling people they need to chickity check themselves haha

      Reply
  68. Bronwyn

     /  December 18, 2012

    Anyone who has anything to say about how you should be handling any of this, or where your faith should be can fuck themselves. What a joke. I continue to read this blog for awareness, and because it’s HONEST and true (and I, too, have a love affair with the eff word). Keep writing, and keep questioning. Kids dying is fucked up. Please keep us posted on any local Ro events. We want to help.

    Bronwyn in Chandler

    Reply
  69. People who have not lost a child cannot understand. There are wonderful people who try to sympathize. Thoughtful people who try to do and say the right thing. And then there are stupid people who have neither sympathy nor a brain in their head. One of my favorite quotes is from Albert Einstein.

    “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the universe. ”

    Everyone says something stupid at some point. But stupid people do it on purpose!

    There is no measure to a mother’s love and no measure of her anger when her child is taken. You are doing immense good with the crap that has been given to you. Thank you for standing up for all of us who have lost a child to cancer!

    Reply
  70. maria

     /  December 18, 2012

    Maya- u r an incredibel human being that is venting ur feeling as they are and if they dont like they cant stop reading ur inspirational blog, this has for ever change my life everytime i want to complain about something i remember u and think to my self this is going to get solve unlike all those children that are dying from this fucker call cancer..
    by the way i lost my grandmother last yr and the last time i talk to her was on christmas day and i dont think i will ever be ok because there is a gap that no matter it will never be fill again and i think that in ur heart u have that gap that baby Ronan left u with and that nothing nor this beautiful baby Poppy will ever fill so dont listen to negative people and keep on writing you rock and i tahank you from the bottom of my heart for, for ever changing ,my life and all my perspectives too..,,love you and all you do til eternity ends!!!

    Reply
  71. dawn

     /  December 18, 2012

    I will always love you no matter what you say!!! The last post made so much sense and I am sorry that others see it as you being nothing but honest and speaking from a place of love.

    Reply
  72. Chelsea

     /  December 18, 2012

    You are totally right on, Maya! Fuck those judgmental people :)

    Reply
  73. Nothing you say will ever chase me away – I just don’t understand people that don’t understand you and what you’ve been through. I’m a mess right now looking at that picture of you and Ronan – my goodness what a beautiful boy, those eyes, that smile – how can he be gone. I don’t understand it. My heart hurts so much for you. For Cindy. For Teddy’s family. For the families in Newtown. Sometimes this world is so ugly I hate it. I’m forever sorry for your loss and admire how you are soldiering on, one moment at time doing the best you can. Sending you and your family love and strength. Remembering your beautiful Ronan forever.

    Reply
  74. rosyposec

     /  December 18, 2012

    Hi Maya,
    You probably won’t read this, but I wanted to write a comment.
    I wish I could say I’ve been reading your blog from Day One, but I haven’t.
    I (like many others) found out about Ronan through the song of the same name by Taylor Swift. Since then, I have read most of your posts from the last few years, and read your blog regularly.
    If someone where to aks someone who the bravest person they have heard of is, who would come to mind? A veteren? A Holocaust Survivor? People who went through hell.
    I would think of you. Because the worst thing possible happened to you. And you fought.
    And, sometimes you don’t show your fightingness (new word?) on the outside, but on those days where all you do is cry, by just being here and breathing for us is fighting.
    Finding the strength, somewhere to shine, to help others, to keep breathing is awe-inspiring.
    You are an inspiration to so many.
    I don’t believe that Poppy will ever replace Ronan. She won’t fill up the gaping hole that beautiful child left in your heart. But she will be beautiful, healthy and vibrant.
    She will dance, just like your Ronan.
    Maybe Ronan is in Heaven. I personally don’t believe in Heaven, but I do believe that he (or his spirit at least) is somewhere beautiful, somewhere where he is dancing. And he is looking down at you and keeping you, Poppy, Woody, Liam and Quinn so, so safe.
    Even when you don’t feel safe, even when you fall down and cry, Ronan is loving you and believing in you, and willing you to go on like he knows you are and will continue to do.
    I’m not trying to tell you to stay strong, I think thats a stupid thing to say.
    It’s okay to not always “stay strong,” You (really everyone, but you especially) deserve to be weak and fragile sometimes.
    Ronan is beautiful, and as much of an inspiration to me as you are. Through out it all, he smiled. He danced. He lit up the world and shined, shined, shined.
    It is impossible to describe the magnitude at which that boy glowed. Even not knowing him, I can just tell he was something pretty damn special.
    The devastating Connecticut shooting that occurred on Friday reminded us that our time here is short, that we must treasure and love, love, love our children.
    I am only twelve, but whenever I read you posts and cry and laugh, you inspire me to grown and shine, to change the world for kdis like Ronan.

    You, Maya are amazing, you will change the world, and if you don’t thats okay. Because you changed mine. And you changed other people worlds too. And “If you save one person, you are saving the world.”

    Love,
    Miranda

    Reply
  75. Crystal

     /  December 18, 2012

    I totally agree with what you have to say, these are your feelings and they have no right to tell you how you should feel! I dont even know you but i think your an amazing mother/person. This blog really helps me when i get caught up in life. I feel the same about the shooting that happened in Newton, its hard to go on with your daily life knowning all those poor babies are gone. I have been thinking about it, its weird how anybody could still smile or be happy? That sweet baby boy deserve to be here and to be with his mother, its so unfair. What if there isn’t anything after this nobody truely knows… and its heartbreaking to think about. I cant believe people are so heartless and judgemental! THANK YOU for your blog and being real!

    Reply
  76. Paula

     /  December 18, 2012

    Oh Maya, people are so f’ing stupid. I had someone say to me recently ..”I was so mad at god, when I got my flat tire the other day”…. wtf…..god doesn’t make flat tires happen. God doesn’t answers ones prayers but not yours. If god had anything to do with it….why would anyones kids get cancer and die…why would God allow 27 people get shot in CT? Why would God let people suffer and children get beaten and raped in Africa by the thousands. PLEASE people if you passed a test at school its not cause you prayed its cause you studied. If you got a flat fuckin tire its cause you ran something over. If you survived cancer its cause your treatment worked and the odds were in your favor.blah blah blah. God may be there to guide you and give you strength…maybe. maybe God is there to great you in Heaven. Maybe ….maybe not. Believe what you want to believe and if you have faith and believe in something great. But stop with the idiotic comments to this amazing grieving mother who wears her heart on her sleeve and is only comfortable with facts and facts only. Maya all I can say is some people do not get it. When my daughter survived cancer I never once said it was because God awnsered my prayers. Because I knew of others more religous then me who prayed as well. I knew it was just scientific and nothing more. It was the timing of diagnosis…and the stage …and that’s it. Its not to say people can’t and shouldn’t pray to God…but if anything it should be more about giving you strength to handle whatever comes your way. God doesn’t make a drunk driver kill someone. A driver chose to drink and as a result killed someone. God may help that family heal?! I don’t know….now I’m rambling. I am Greek Orthodox, not overly religous. I believe in God a higher power, I like to believe that Heaven is a most beautiful place….but like you I’m a realist and the only things we know for sure is what we know as facts. Don’t let the assholes who ride around on their unicorns get to you too much. Your amazing! You are doing an amazing job…Ronans so proud to have you as his mom. Your work on this earth is important! Thanks for all you do!

    Reply
    • krispearson88

       /  December 21, 2012

      When my son survived his cancer, I was one of those who said that God had answered our prayers. Then I saw kids dying from it. I just couldn’t understand why ours were answered, and others weren’t. That was when I was forced to face reality. It wasn’t that our prayers were answered, but as you said, because of when it was found, his age, etc. As a Christian, I struggle with that every day. But I would NEVER begrudge someone their loss of faith. If my son hadn’t survived, I may have lost mine too. Hopefully, I will never have to find out. So you just feel what you feel, Maya. And you say what you need to say. The normal people among us will continue to support you!

      Reply
  77. Kim, the only thing messed up here is you.
    What an ugly soul you must have to come on here and say such things.
    I only hope you would never speak to a patient and hurting family with the words you just used. And you’re a musician? Okay, let’s here your works big shot. I understand that you are jealous of Taylor and of Maya for being such classy women, where you are obviously lacking, but you will NEVER have a song that comes close to touching as many people as Taylor’s Ronan has. Fuck cancer and fuck you too.
    I never cuss, but you, you ma’am just struck my nerve.

    Reply
    • so glad someone else said something before I did!
      I wish I was an expert in as many things as Kim is…then I could go around sprouting words of wisdom like she has…or as I like to call it ‘verbal diarrhoea’.
      You DON’T understand Maya’s grief…ya know why? Because you’re not Maya.

      Reply
  78. Lidia Giubilaro

     /  December 18, 2012

    Maya, I want you to know that even if I don’t always comment on your blogs..I am always reading them. I will always follow you whether it be thru your blog, or thru your foundation or wherever else I can find you.
    I totally get you. Always be yourself. Always be brave.
    That pic of you and Ronan put tears to my eyes. Its beautiful and sad at the same time..I can’t explain it. Thx for sharing something so personal and precious.
    Lidia xoxo

    Reply
  79. Jen

     /  December 18, 2012

    You are SO right Maya. Ronan does not belong anywhere else but in your arms and it’s so fucked up that anyone would even think about trying to tell you otherwise. It is their insecurity, THEIR fear of loss that makes them say such hollow empty things. If they have so much faith, what you or anyone else believes shouldn’t matter in the least. One thing is for sure, this world lacks love. I think many can’t even comprehend the love you have for your Ronan. What people don’t understand, they fear. But looking at this photo of you and your boy, that is all I see. Pure LOVE. Nobody can take that away with their hateful words or ignorance.

    Reply
  80. Sarah

     /  December 18, 2012

    Oh Maya! I love reading your blog, I love how you speak your mind! Say whatever the fuck you need to- who gives a fuck! Your precious baby died from a vicious disease. People are so mean and don’t know two shits about how you’re feeling.
    I’ll be here to continue reading and supporting you and the foundation!

    Reply
  81. Sarah

     /  December 18, 2012

    Maya-

    There is no one that can judge you for the way you feel. Ronan was yours to love…YOURS not theirs. Anyone who tells you to get over it, that your blog is ugly (are they serious?!) should go visit PCH for a day. I think this is the comment that gets to me the most. The blog is ugly but the fact that this bitch called cancer is killing kids isn’t? Oh, I’m sorry…The fact that you tell them the truth about this fucking disease just happens to stick a knife into their cotton candy world suddenly makes it ugly? Well fuck that shit. These are the people that are content in living in their nice little bubble where cancer doesn’t happen and everything is nice and rosy. They are more then welcome to leave this blog because they are never going to help in this fight to stop childhood cancer. I am going to continue to wear my Fuck You Cancer bracelets to work (a woman from another department stopped me the other day to talk about you, Roban and your fight…first time that’s happened in the 6 months I’ve been following and supporting you!!) wear my Team Ronan hoodie and promote your foundation. You have so much momentum Maya and any haters can fuck off…maybe they’ll come around but you have so many amazing people behind you and people who you have touched and love Ronan and your story. I am so grateful that you keep going and keep pushing. I can never know your experience but am proud to support a foundation like yours…you, Ronan and the stories of your family and friends are what makes me want to do this.
    Feel how you want to feel…it belongs to you, and only you.

    Reply
  82. megan

     /  December 18, 2012

    I love you Maya! And I love Ronan too! I think of him often!!! You both have changed my life as a person and mother and I am so grateful that you share your feelings! I’m in the fight with you against childhood cancer!!!

    Reply
  83. erin riek

     /  December 18, 2012

    I still love your blog, even when you offend :) It takes a great person with an open mind to keep on being supportive. Even when we all know you never really reply to anyone’s comments unless they are a celebrity or throwing money your way, we keep supporting you because of Ronan.

    Reply
    • Phoenixmama

       /  December 19, 2012

      Thanks Erin for your insightful comment the happy face icon makes your stupid comment so much better, what a douchebag response. Maya doesn’t need assholes like you. So stop reading if you cant handle it…grow up. Keep posting Romama l’ll be a forever reader!

      Reply
    • erin…why are you here? do you get pleasure out of being an asshole to a mother who lost her child? fuck cancer and fuck you. find someone else to bully. that’s exactly what you are…a big mean bully.

      Reply
    • beckee

       /  December 19, 2012

      yikes. someone sure is being naughty and trying to hide it behind weird emotocons! :) Erin, do you think Maya has a lot going on? Maybe that is why she doesn’t comment? She is grieving, pregnant, and presently dealing with the struggles a grieving mother deals with at the holidays. I don’t comment on here for her to comment to what I say. I comment to show my TOTAL support of her. That is what this blog is for.
      it is really easy to stop reading something you don’t like – LOG OFF. Contrary to your comment, I believe It is difficult to fully support a cause when you have one foot out the door. I doubt Maya cares if you are here or not, so step out, girl. :)

      Reply
    • Jen

       /  December 19, 2012

      Nah, I’ve seen Maya comment on people’s post now and then. I think it’s awesome that Maya’s passion has drawn the attention of celebrities. After all, isn’t that her ultimate goal? To gain MORE attention for Pediatric Cancer so that kids stop dying? How could you not realize that is what she is doing in honor of Ronan, unless you were really a follower and not some pathetic, hateful person?? There is NO god in YOUR heart, lady.

      Reply
    • DylBert

       /  December 20, 2012

      Troll number 2. Please do not feed the trolls.

      Reply
      • krispearson88

         /  December 21, 2012

        Excellent reply, DylBert. Going to have to remember that one! Don’t feed the trolls!

  84. Brittany

     /  December 18, 2012

    I’m so sorry that you lost Ronan and that people can be such assholes. You’re an amazing woman Maya Thompson your words make me want to be a better person. every day I think what would maya do? ( I think you should make those bracelets and send them to all the religious nuts). Instead of painting the town red you will paint this world gold! Your words are raw and true so fuck the haters and cancer!

    Reply
  85. Andrea

     /  December 18, 2012

    Maya,
    I am so thankful that you speak your mind and tell things exactly as they are! No one knows how you feel and no one has the right to judge your feelings EVER!! I am so proud of you for telling it like it is this world does not need to sugar coat things we need to all open our eyes and see the true happenings of this crazy place we call the world. Thank you for continuing to share Ronan’s journey I will continue to follow and share your story :) Andrea

    Reply
  86. Krystle

     /  December 18, 2012

    Maya-

    I have so much respect for you! Granted I started reading your blog after the amazing Taylor Swift debuted her song for Ro…I’m going to be in San Francisco on January 3rd to pick up a friend from the air port-I’m sad that I’ll be there before you, because at the very least I just want to wrap my arms around you in a hug and sob with you over losing Ronan so soon, and in such an unfair way.

    I’m not going to tell you that I hope you have a happy holiday…happy is a joke when your happiness was taken from you 18 months ago. But I at least hope you have a some what decent day with Liam and Quinn and your hubby.

    You’ll never lose me as a reader-I’m not as ignorant as the ones who have unfollowed your blog.

    God Bless you and your family, all my love,

    Krystle

    Reply
  87. Kay

     /  December 18, 2012

    Oh maya. It’s not okay, it will never be okay. For the rest of your life on this earth you will miss that beautiful boy so much, and that’s how it should be. I wish I could say something to make it better, but no words will ever make it better. No words will ever bring back Ronan. No single person, commenter, celebrity or ANYONE will ever feel your pain, they can sympathize but will never it, as you said they weren’t Ronan’s mama. I know in a millisecond you would trade all of it to have him back. My only wish for you is that one day when you finish this journey in life, you get to hold your little guy again. Maybe he won’t be little, maybe he’ll be a grown man, maybe you’ll see what could have been. I don’t even know. But…i think it’s rains for a reason. That’s what I think. Fuck everything else.

    Reply
  88. You go girl! You are totally Romazing, and those people who leave mean or unthinking post can just bug off! You are doing amazing things, and I agree with the post “Maya for President 2016″….even if I live in Canada!

    Reply
  89. Danielle

     /  December 19, 2012

    Maya, Im so so sorry for the awful things people say. The nerve of them to say anything at all negative to you, is beyond me! It is more than obvious they have not had to endure the life you and yours have had to because there is no way they could say those things if they had. Those heartless people need to find better things to do. I have a strong faith and do believe that prayer CAN change things, but not in all circumstances. I know that God cried the day he took Ronan home. It broke his heart to take him from such a beautiful mother and father that would give him such a great life, but he also knew how many kids little Ronan will be able to save. I know that baby boy gives you strength that you never knew you had. I do believe that he has a helper guided him to direct your path. One day you will see that beautiful baby again and hes going to tell you how proud he is of you! It is So unfair and always will be that you had to lose him. Especially in the way you did. I read your blog and will continue to read it because its the only way i can connect with you. I feel Ronan everyday, theres not a day that goes by that I dont prayer for you and your family. Not that Ronan will come back because we all know the harsh reality. But I do pray that you will find comfort in knowing that he is safe. Safe and painfree, maybe not where he should be, but he is happy and free. I love you so much girl, have a feeling your precious blue eyed boy will br visiting your dreams soon, also something I pray for. All my love!!

    Reply
  90. Maddie

     /  December 19, 2012

    It bothers me that people won’t read your blog, because what you posted offended them. They are delusional. I get it. People just want to live in their perfect little bubble of happiness and cheer, and forget about all the sadness and tragedy and pain that occurs. Even though it’s pretty dumb how they do that, I can see where they’re coming from. I don’t want to be sad or in pain. Sometimes, I admit your writing can be pretty harsh, but then I realize that you go through more than I can even imagine. I couldn’t bear to deal with losing a child, someone so special that brought so much joy. You have to be brutally honest, and not sugar-coat anything. Childhood cancer won’t get cured if you sugar coat things. Even though my Christmas wish is for cancer to be cured, I doubt that the instructions for curing cancer will be waiting in my stocking for me. I will always read your blog, and I will help find a cure. Because we WILL find a cure. Thank you for this blog. I don’t live in the bubble anymore, and I am more aware of the suffering in this world with each passing day. You’ve changed a lot of people for the better, more than you could ever know. You should be proud, and I know Ro is too. I hope I get to meet you someday so I can tell you how amazing you are in person. I would love to help you with your foundation, even though I’m 14. You’re amazing, Maya, you are changing the world, and will continue to change it. Curing cancer won’t be easy, but then again, nothing that’s actually worth it ever is.

    Reply
  91. Rebecca

     /  December 19, 2012

    Maya, don’t let those ignorant people get to you in any way. You are very special and so many people are thankful for your blog because it changes their lives, like me. I wish you all the best, it takes a lot to be as honest and true as you are. Not a lot of people are as strong … Thank you so much.Love and hugs from Germany! :-)

    Reply
  92. Rachel Brusseau

     /  December 19, 2012

    Keep writing what you want Maya. Your words will move mountains. Your truth about your feelings are the best. Don’t censor, and don’t worry what anyone thinks.

    Reply
  93. Donna Mixon

     /  December 19, 2012

    Dear Maya,
    Twenty two and a half years ago, my daughter, Mallory Kate, was stillborn. I am just now starting to get over being angry at God for that. I will never understand the reason why. Why an innocent, 8 lb 5 oz, beautiful baby girl with dark brown curly hair? At the time, I was told that she’s in a better place, at least you have three other kids, and, my favorite, she’s so lucky because she’s with God. None of that made me feel any better. Now I was told on the FB page of a 2 year old that died of cancer that my loss wasn’t the same and there was no way I could relate to their pain. I say that is bullshit! I loved my daughter with all my heart and would have given anything if she could have lived for one minute. Just one minute so that she could feel me hold her and know that I loved her. So that I could tell her that I loved her. I wasn’t Ronan’s mom, so I don’t pretend to know your pain, but people don’t know my pain either. Only I was Mallory’s mom! Sorry to use your site to vent but I have been wanting to say that for a long time. People should just not say anything if they are just going to say something stupid!
    Thinking of you in Texas!
    Donna

    Reply
    • Rachel Brusseau

       /  December 19, 2012

      Donna- I’m sorry for your loss. I loved my children as soon as I learned I was pregnant. It breaks my heart to hear about your happiest day turning into the worst. 😥

      Reply
  94. Kirsty

     /  December 19, 2012

    Maya you are amazing – PLEASE don’t waste a precious thought or energy on those wierd, crazy people with their posts. Soldier on. Easier said that done, granted, as I am going mad this morning about a post someone put about religion in your very post that, rightly, explained why such religious comments are about the most unhelpful and insensitive thing while grieving.
    In a way it may not be so bad that you are dreading Christmas, after my brother died I would have near on full panic attacks before Christmas (the last time we saw him), his birthday or before his death day and actually they were no better or no worse than any other day of the year. It is just another day without them. And I worried about these key days so much that they were never as bad as I feared.
    Love to you and all of your family.
    Kirsty

    Reply
  95. Lisa Francis-Holcombe

     /  December 19, 2012

    Maya you are a Warrior, a fighter, because of you and your voice and your cries that were heard all over the world, I know more now about children’s cancer than I ever did before. I had no clue before, but now I have to look at it and face it and learn about it. I didn’t want to, I wanted to be one of those people who buried their head in the sand and hoped that it would never happen to my child and not read about things because ‘it is too upsetting’ but I can’t anymore, I have to learn, as painful and heartbreaking as it is, to see what childhood cancer does to these beautiful, innocent children because my heartache can never ever even compare in a tiny way to how a mother must feel losing her child and I can’t be ignorant or a coward anymore. I have to learn so I can fight the battle with you and we destroy this evil cancer. Maya, I can’t understand how people can tell you how you should be feeling, or say that your child is ‘in a better place now’. ‘with God’, ‘called home’, crap like that, your child should be WITH YOU and it is so WRONG and so UNFAIR that he is not and how dare people say otherwise, how dare they! Your Ronan is just so so beautiful and he has led me to Ty and Teddy and Drake and all the other beautiful and perfect children that were ripped away from their loving parents, here come the tears again, it’s just so bloody wrong Fuck you Cancer!! How can they spend on all that money on the Space program, who the hell cares about the fucking Space program, when they should be spending those millions and billions on finding a cure for cancer and keeping children with their parents and free from any pain, how can they spend money on space and wars and let a child in their own country die such a horrific and painful death. This world is so fucked up, Maya never stop shouting please, I know you must get so tired but please, your voice is heard all over the world (I’m from the UK living in Germany) and I am fighting with you to kill this monster for our children. I’ve never met you but I love you and I find you an inspiration, I know you never wanted to be, please don’t ever let those idiots tell you how to feel or what to say, the people who love you and love RONAN will always stand by your side, no matter what.
    Love and hugs, Lisa and baby Charlie xoxox

    Reply
  96. Bailey

     /  December 19, 2012

    Maya, I have no idea how I came across your blog, but wow. I have read it from start to finish this past month or so. People are so backwards. Everyone, including myself should worry about a Mother who doesn’t feel the level of pain and grief that you do. I know I would. I wish you and your family the best Christmas you can muster up. The things you are doing are amazing, keep trucking. I am searching for ideas to get involved with your mission.

    Reply
  97. Tracelace

     /  December 19, 2012

    I read every post you write and the thing I love most about them is how you say exactly what you are feeling. noone has a right to judge you for that. your blog is amazing and refreshing and often leaves me with a massive reality check. thank you for keeping it real in a world that likes to sugar coat everything in order not to offend. Ronan must be so proud of his amazing mom. lots of love and strength, i cannot imagine how difficult this time of year must be for you.

    Reply
  98. Maya.
    You have inspired so many people and I love that you are so confident and wonderful.
    Ronan was the most beautiful child and I will forever be sorry that you lost him.
    Ronan makes me what to do good and I will fight against Neuroblastoma, that fucking bitch.
    People shouldn’t use God as an excuse for everything that happens in this world.
    Why the fuck would God have kids killed by Cancer? Why would God have innocent kids shot? And the list goes on.
    You pulled me out of that shiny bubbly world that everything is good and perfect and I thank you for that. Thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for making me want to be a better person.
    I will spread Ronan’s story, until I’ve woken up everyone who is still naive and not doing some good in this world.
    This world is fucked up and my main goal in 2013 is to fix it a little.
    We will fight this with you Maya.
    I love you loads.
    xxx

    Reply
  99. Oh Maya! You’ve had some very, very, sad posts but this one is the saddest I’ve read in a very long time (and I have read each and every one of them. It’s your bewitching hour right now so maybe you are on line and will be able to read this.) My intent is not to upset you but to let you know from my heart of a mother that although I might have had concerns about some of your posts/entries, it was because I was concerned about you. You are so correct, grief does not have an expirations date (I think you have said that before). If I were in your shoes, I am not sure I would able to do such good things as you are doing. I would still be in my bed, I would possibly be dead due to the grief. But I doubt it, because I too have just one other gift of a son to live for and provide a healthy,”near normal, or as close to normal life” post-Ronan. I admire you so much, I don’t think anyone can say how they would react, they think they know but unless you are in the situation,all I would say isdon’t judge. Until you walk in the shoes of another person and know how it feel or how you would react, please don’t even assume to know how it feels. You won’t ever know until you do walk in those shoes, and I’m sure none of us want to ever be in that situation.

    I’m a school nurse here in Scottsdale, AZ. Pre-K to 5th grade. The last couple of years I have lost, as in dying, one too many students. I don’t know where there are now. I am hoping they are where I have been taught to think they are-in heaven(aka safe, wonderful, place) with my parents, aunts, cousins, uncles, siblings, Ronan, and Teddy. I too hope they are safe.

    Please don’t even think about stopping posting your entries. I am sure I am not the only one that will tell you that we read each and every one, treasure your words, thoughts, feelings, and are honored to know you via your entries. Again, I don’t know if I would be able to do all you are doing to promote a cure/poss cure for this horrendous disease that is taking too many lives. Lives that have so much potential, not only for our future but for the parents that bring them into the world. Childhood cancer not only kills a child’s life, it has a ripple effect on that child’s family, friend, acquaintance’s, etc.

    The devastation/massacre in Newtown CT this past week has awakened many to the idea of “lost lives’, “lost potential”. Like Ronan, like Teddy, like so many other children I haven’t or have, been privileged to know and who died, they were beautiful children with parents who loved them unconditionally, as that is our unwritten job when we take on this challenge of being a parent. We all wait with dread for that phone call, or that doctor’s report, that knock on the door/ the doorbell ringing that something is wrong/ gone wrong.

    I cannot judge you, and I hope others don’t. Bless you and I know you will make this holiday time special for your boys and for Poppy. Any for you and Woody. You will try, I am thinking, and you will succeed, even if it is not where you thought you would be if Ronan was still with you and your family. Get your spirit regenerated wherever you go in the North west if you travel from Seattle (am I correct on your mom’s location?).

    You make me proud with each and every entry I read, and I read them all! I wish I was as strong as you, and only hope I will have your strength and perseverance to survive such and experience if it should happen to one of my children or future grandchildren.

    Keep safe and strong,
    Mary

    Reply
  100. Janice

     /  December 19, 2012

    I stick with you Maya. Losing a child would be hell. I had a double masectamy yesterday and start chemo in January. My grandaughter has a friend who has been fighting neuroblastoma for 4 years – so sad she has to deal with that!!!!!!!! FUcancer!

    Reply
  101. Maya,
    I love your fire and passion, and that is what brings me to this blog 5-10 times every day. It is because of your passion and inability to “let this go” or “get over this” that you will be helping to move towards increasing the survival rate for children with cancer. All this other crap is just noise, and people that can’t comprehend that this shit where people just “get over” losing their child as “God’s will” makes absolutely no f’ing sense. They should be the ones that are questioned, since they are the ones that are detached from reality.

    And yes, you do rant from time to time. But so what!?! If people can’t understand the motivation for what you write, that this is about a mother’s love for her dead child and her promise to do everything that she can to stop this from happening to more families, then they can go f*** themselves.
    Seriously people… without people standing up and saying, “enough if fucking enough,” this is just going to happen over and over again. (Sorry, when I get pissed the “filter” tends to fall off) How the government can sit idly by and continue to underfund research to kill this damn thing, makes me want to bang my head against the wall.

    What happened in CT was a tragedy, and losing those children was incomprehensible… but where it the outrage that cancer is torturing and slowly killing thousands of kids every year? Is it that people just don’t want to face this and demand that something serious is done to stop this crap?
    Maya, stay true to yourself and never let others influence your drive to get the message and awareness out there. You are too strong not to take this thing on head first and go 15 rounds until only you are standing.

    Reply
  102. alyselancaster

     /  December 19, 2012

    You and Ronan have changed my life. Pure and simple. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about the horrors of childhood cancer and how hard–no, how impossible–life must be for families like yours who have had a child stolen by this fucking disease. I wear my gold pin every day and think of Ronan when I put it on. Those who don’t get what you’re writing and why you’re writing it don’t belong here. You know that. And those of us who attempt as best we can to understand your pain (for we as mere readers can never truly feel its depth) will continue to be here reading your posts and taking the words that come from your heart and using them to keep spreading awareness of this awful fucking disease. Your army is behind you. Those who want off the bandwagon better just shut the fuck up and get out of the way.

    Reply
  103. Hazel O Callaghan

     /  December 19, 2012

    I really don’t know what to say Maya. I read your blog religiously and granted I don’t always agree with everything you write, but It would be weird if I did! I’m still shocked when people go off in you for the things you say. Get a fucking life you idiots. Really they should bury their heads up their arses because they are not living in the real world. I’m sick at the thought that anyone would think of writing horrible things to you. You are trying to change things, for their kids/grand kids too. Don’t they realise this?! I’m so angry now.

    People! We are all entitled to our own thoughts and beliefs. You don’t have to take it to heart and freak out on other people if they say something offensive to your beliefs! Live life true to you and don’t worry about anyone else’s beliefs.

    Be kind!

    Reply
  104. tara lee levesque

     /  December 19, 2012

    Your blogs touched me in such a way, and my heart continues to break for you, I am also a mother of 2 girls 19 and 15, and july 1 of this year I had my baby boy Liam :) after reading your story all I could do was hold liam and bawl I am sure he thought I was a mental retard !! I will continue to follow and support you, and I will donate what I can, I lost my dad to cancer at a very young age. Worst thing I’ve gone through, if any of my children got sick I’d lash out and say what was on my mind. Fuck you cancer would probably be a nice comment:)
    My sister just had a baby and named him Ronan, worlds best name and after reading your blogs , I called her and said I have the perfect name, gave her the url to your blogs and told her to listen to ronan as she read. Well I guess it was a little much for her hormonal pregnant body :( she called me and couldn’t get out of bed from sadness. Ronan was born 2 days ago, I hope you don’t mind,
    Always thinking of you and ronan and the rest of your family xoxoxo

    Reply
  105. Shannon Ward

     /  December 19, 2012

    You know, I don’t know if it is the healthiest, but I think if I would have lost a child, I would still buy them at least one Christmas gift. That way, I could get that one little joy. I don’t think it would hurt, and I wouldn’t judge you :) I am going to take your advice Maya, I am so sorry for your loss, and this should never happen to any family! I send all of my love to you and your family this holiday season. If that makes yours a little bit brighter! If I ever run into you, I will give you a hug, and I will tell you that I am so sorry, and what a beautiful boy Ronan truly was. You and your family has worked their way into our hearts.

    Reply
  106. Melissa McClelland

     /  December 19, 2012

    You Go Girl! “Fuck Em” lol. I love your blog,
    I love the honest, rawness. I love the “F” word (as you mentioned in an earlier post it is
    Very versatile). I came into your blog a few months ago , and went to the beginning to hear the entire story- it took me about a month to get through all the posts. You are doing amazing things with the grief you feel- Ronan is so proud of you. Keep Strong and Keep it Real – there is great value in speaking the truth

    Reply
  107. Noah's grandma

     /  December 19, 2012

    Love, love love YOU, Maya. Gigantic hugs too.

    Reply
  108. Kara

     /  December 19, 2012

    Maya
    Well said. You are going to make something
    Amazing come out of Ronan’s death. I’m so very sorry he died.
    I believe there will be cure because of you, and your dedication and your Rolove story.
    I work with people, old and young suffering from cancer everyday.
    It makes me grateful everyday for what I have.
    Thanks for keeping it Real!!! F… All the readers who are looking for something sugar coated.

    Reply
  109. Sara Kilgallen

     /  December 19, 2012

    One of the reasons I love this blog is because of your brutal honesty and your refusal to accept your child’s passing as “God’s plan” and all that. And that you say it out loud where others have fear to do that. I do rely very much on my faith and prayers, but I do not in my heart of hearts believe God would want any child to suffer pain or
    have any parent experience a loss like that. And to that person who said Ronan is with our heavenly father and you just need to accept that– excuse me, but fuck off. Who is anyone to tell anyone else what to think and feel about their baby dying? A 3 year old getting cancer and dying is totally unacceptable and that’s a fact. Maya- you are going to do amazing things and make Ronan so proud.

    Reply
  110. Stacey

     /  December 19, 2012

    I find your take on God to be a refreshing change from all the BS that is normally stuffed down my throat. I don’t see how anyone can say that God is all loving, all knowing, and all powerful. Because that would mean that he knows that children are going to be raped and abused and develop cancer before it actually happens, yet he does nothing to stop it. Free will, free will, blah blah blah. What does a child developing cancer have to do with free will?

    Reply
  111. Maya-I first learned about your blog from the Katie Couric show. It has changed my life and the way I think about the grieving process. You have taught people what is the right and wrong thing to say to a grieving mother. I have cried too many times to count while reading your blog and totally fell in love with Ronan. I have tried to share this blog with others and it seems people would rather stick their heads in the sand. They don’t want to think this could happen to them. I learned 8 years ago that infants can die from cancer. Google Allie Scott. I sometimes wish I didn’t know. I do pray for you. I am a Christian. But that does not give me a right to judge your feelings about prayer or God. I learned that from you. I can’t believe the great things you are doing for Chilhood cancer. Thank you.

    Reply
  112. Ileanna

     /  December 19, 2012

    Maya first I’m so happy to see Ronan’s beautiful face on your recent posts. He is beautiful. To support Clarence and Jim during Teddy’s ceremony is wonderful and your heart with your hard will move mountains in cancer research. To address your post humanity at times consists more of compartmentalism than compassion. Many use God to get through tragedy, I believe in God but I can’t tell anything of heaven or of Gods plan. What I can say is that if you can get mad, question, and at times lose faith with God then your relationship with him is strong. Because it means you want one, and to understand or see the purpose. I’m mad as hell about the shooting & pediatric cancer. I’m afraid of what this means about our world but dear Maya I have confidence that you will show us a way that can reap some comfort to these children.

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  113. Jenn

     /  December 19, 2012

    Maya…you do not need to explain yourself to ANYONE! Fuck them!!! I put my kids to bed each night and ask them not to get sick and die…then I cry. My kids are safe and here with me, and yet I cry all the time. Like I’ve said a billion times before…I don’t know how you do it…seriously, I have no idea. I would have crumbled and broke and not being doing all of the amazing things you do on a daily basis. I love your strength and courage to say what needs to be said! FUCK THEM MAYA….you are amazing and you are honest. You say what we all think, it’s that simple. I love you guys so much and appreciate everything you write. Thank you for your blog and your thoughts:) I am always thinking of you guys. I always felt like I was a good mom, but you make me a better mom. I will always stand behind you Maya…always. FUCK CANCER…

    Reply
  114. “Peace out Mo’ Fo’s. Have a nice life with that unicorn you ride on up in the sky.” haha!
    Maya, you are so right to let it out. What happened is terrible and I am so so so sorry. Nothing can ever replace Ronan or take away that hurt. I read your blog religiously, tell everyone I know about Ronan and his foundation and my heart hurts everyday for those precious babies that are being robbed of joy and freedom and life. (no way in comparison to your hurt) You are strong. You are smart. And I have no doubt that you will bash in the face of childhood cancer, and I am going to help as much as I can! I love you like a friend I’ve known for years and I pray for you and your family every day.

    Reply
  115. Angela

     /  December 19, 2012

    Almost every single one of your entries breaks my heart and leaves me in tears but in the best way possible. It is a sadness that motivates, educates and shares the real and scary truth of childhood cancer and grief of a loving mom who lost her beautiful boy way too soon. My New Years resolution is to be as much a part as possible in donating to Ronan’s foundation because I believe that your love as a mother and all of your efforts will make a difference in the world of childhood cancer. I don’t know how anyone could judge or criticize you but I’m glad you are strong enough to be unaffected by ignorance. So much love and hopes for strength to make it through Christmas without your beautiful boy.

    Reply
  116. Pippa

     /  December 19, 2012

    Dear Maya- sometimes your blog IS ugly. It has to be. It is ugly in the best way. This is the gritty truth of telling the real pain that a family goes through from the loss of a child. There is no way to put this in a box, tie some holiday ribbon around it and give it to the world and say “here’s my pain, I’ve put it in this manageable box for you and made it look pretty on the outside so that it’s more acceptable for you to deal with like this”. That’s not how grief works. Grief is a fog, all encompassing and sometimes it shuts out the light, sometimes you can pull through it briefly, and other times you have to let it shroud you and overwhelm you and you know what, that’s ok too! Who says you can’t carry this with you all your life? Who says you have to get over this? That’s bullshit. Why would you ever want to forget that beautiful boy?
    You tell it how it is, bravely and honestly telling the world about your pain and anguish on a daily basis, as you so rightly should. It is only through telling people about the ugliness of childhood cancer that you can change how the medical community deals with it- you only have to look at how much you have accomplished already to know that what you are doing is working, what you’re achieving is incredible, and to hell with anyone who criticizes how you’re going about it.
    Keep doing what you’re doing. Get angry, get sad, tell childhood cancer to get f*cked- we’re all behind you.
    With love from the UK

    Reply
  117. Rachel

     /  December 19, 2012

    This is the shit, right here. Powerful stuff, Maya. Wake up and listen, world!

    Reply
  118. Becky C

     /  December 19, 2012

    Don’t let the simpleminded people get to you. You are bigger than them. Keep fighting. Keep writing honestly, the world needs more people like you. Hugs, from your ring sending friend. :)

    Reply
  119. Jenny

     /  December 19, 2012

    It is so sad that people have to turn your words around so that THEY feel better. This is not about THEM but about you and Ronan. I do hope that you can find just that little bright spot this holiday season to get you through and on to the next day. Sending Love and Many, Many HUGS!
    ~Jen

    Reply
  120. Jodie

     /  December 19, 2012

    Maya,

    I say FUCK the haters. They have not walked in your shoes, therefore they do not know how you feel. They were never Ronan’s mama and they will never know the love you have for him.

    By reading your blog I have become a better mama to my three babies. It has taught me to not sweat the small stuff and enjoy the little things in life. All the shit that I used to think mattered, really doesn’t matter.

    Keep pushing forward, keep fighting for Robaby and for all the other little ones out there. You are truly amazing.

    -Jodie
    Lucy, Mikey and Delaneys mama

    Reply
  121. Maya, I will stand behind you for as long as I am alive. Dont ever stop doing what you are doing. You are an amazing soul and I would be proud to know you. (((HUGS))) From Kelso! :)

    Reply
  122. Marcy Shipman

     /  December 19, 2012

    Great post Maya! Thank you for this post. I have been following your story since close to the very beginning and I take most all of your words to heart. Your post about Newtown really rocked me because I was one of those parents who posted on Facebook that I would hold my kids a little tighter. I said that even though I’ m fully aware of all the horrific stories of our babies dying from cancer. After your post I felt so guilty and now I know your words came from a place of hurt (although I still feel guilty). I am a believer of our Almighty God but when children like Ronan and the kids in Newtown are stolen from us I question my faith. But I am able to find resolve after lots of prayer and reflection. However, if it was one of my own kiddos that happened to I don’ t have any idea how I would react so for anybody to judge you for the way you feel, quite honestly that is un- Christian and they should be ashamed. I will continue to follow and support this cause no matter what because you are right, you are handling the hand you’ve been dealt the best way you know how and quite honestly I think you’ ve done a pretty damn good job!! Those who continue to follow know the greater good of all this and realize how much you will accomplish with the focus you have!

    Reply
  123. Maya,

    For months i have been a silent reader of your blog, anxious to read your next post. I found out about you and your beautiful family through following Ty Louis Campbell for the past 2 years. I am in awe of you and the other mothers and fathers that are going through this unbearable pain that NO parent should have to go through. I felt the need to comment today for the first time and say GOOD FOR YOU. Nobody can tell you how to feel and what to feel, not even other parents going through the same thing as everyone handles grief differently. I have to say I was one of those naive people that had no clue how many children were affected by this horrible disease. I am more than willing to do anything I can to help so please feel free to reach out. I have two small boys and am no longer in denial; that this could happen to any of our precious children. I am on facebook and have sent you a friend request so you can contact me through there if you would like.

    Thinking of you and all the other grieving families,

    Jenine Alvarez

    Reply
  124. Claudia

     /  December 19, 2012

    Lets be serious here. Ronan belongs with MAYA! No one else! Who in their right mind thinks that it is okay to tell a mother where their child belongs?! Obviously, if someone said to you that your child was better off somewhere else, you would go fucking mental! So what gives you the right to say that about Ronan? Have a damn heart you ignorant people. Maya’s blog is in no way ugly, its the truth. If you cant face the fact that the truth is hideous then get the fuck off her blog. Its as simple as that. No one is forcing you to read what she puts on here, you’re doing by your own will. So you can’t say that her blog is ugly and criticize it when you keep reading it. Seriously, get a life.

    Reply
  125. jeni

     /  December 19, 2012

    Maya!! You’re gorgeous inside and out and so is this blog. I read it every single day. I’m right here with you. Don’t let those people who would say those things distract you for even one second. Let them go. You have BIGGER FISH TO FRY!!! :D and those who are with you, like me, will be here to support you!!!

    Reply
  126. Carrie

     /  December 19, 2012

    Maya – You seriously amaze me everyday! I don’t know how you have kept yourself from punching some people in the face…
    If I lost my baby and someone told me …. he is in a better place… he is with his maker… God is taking care of him…. I think I would go batty and start swinging on people! If God gave you Ronan he should have let you keep him and for that I am truly sorry!
    Ronan belongs with YOU! I think of you everyday and how much I know it hurts you to not have him in your arms.! There is nothing that anyone can say or do to make that better!
    But this blog is AMAZING and never stop believing in what you write because of these small minded people!
    I live in Surprise, AZ (where the sun always shines…uuggghh) and would love to always help or be a part of anything you do to raise awareness and share Ronan’s life. You have inspired me by your strength and perserverance to be an Amazing Mom!
    I am also expecting and I think we are due within days of one another!
    Enjoy your trip this Christmas out of sunny Phoenix.
    Ronan is beautiful, perfect and INSPIRING – he ALWAYS will be!

    Reply
  127. summer

     /  December 19, 2012

    Ronan belongs in his mammas loving arms. There’s nothing sweeter than that!! If I had lost my child I would rather be dead. Nobody has the right to tell you how you feel. Thank you for sharing your story. Love, summer

    Reply
  128. Izzy

     /  December 19, 2012

    I can’t believe people stopped reading because of that. How stupid! Thanks for this post, I had the worst day ever, then I came home and read your blogs, and realized that my stupid little problems don’t matter, I have my health and the people I love, so thank you for that. I have so much respect for you and what you are doing, I’m, so sorry you had to lose Ronan in the process of it, it is so unfair, and you deserve to rant as much as you like about it, you’re just stating the truth and there is nothing wrong with that xx

    Reply
  129. Caydesmom

     /  December 19, 2012

    You owe no one an explanation for how you think or feel. We are all here to support you and I personally learn from you. I am learning how to become a better volunteer, activist, friend and mother. I am holding myself so much more accountable as a human.
    Thank you.

    Reply
  130. Becki

     /  December 19, 2012

    There are no words but WOW. I can’t believe the narrow mindness of some people. For all the hate out there Maya, there is so much more love and that is what we have for you and Ronan. Try not to forget that. But don’t worry, we will keep telling you.

    Reply
  131. Laura B.

     /  December 19, 2012

    Reading the comments and things people actually have the nerve to send to you was infuriating. The only thing I can say is that people in general can be absolute idiots, which means they also say some of the most asshole things imaginable. I have never lost a child so I can’t even begin to fathom the true depth of your pain, your suffering or your grief and I’m confident neither can the morons who are making those comments to to you or they wouldn’t have opened their mouths or taken up precious moments of life to write their asshole ignorant comments on your blog. Yes your blog is raw, its emotional and I won’t lie sometimes the things you say can be shocking and I may not always undferstand, but that is what makes it so wonderful! Of course Not in a “happy puppies and kittens” sort of wonderful way, but in a “finally someone is being totally truthful, brutally honest and sharing the innermost feelings and thoughts so many people have but are fearful or ashamed to say out loud.” It’s inspiring and while I know that you would give anything to not be in this “inspiring” position, just know that so many recognize and appreciate you and all you bring to this crazy world that often makes zero sense. To quote your favorite girl, “people throw rocks at things that shine,” and you shine Maya, so ignorant people will always throw rocks at you because they’re ashamed and pissed off that they can’t live fearlessly, that they can’t speak their minds and they’re too big of cowards to say what they’re really thinking and feeling. You shine in a dark and twisty sort of way that’s beautiful, that’s inspiring, that’s refreshing and awesome. And I happen to this profanity is helpful in a wide array of situations, in fact I find the word fuck to be a cleansing word, something like namaste:)! ……sometimes its the only word that allows you to get out the fury of emotions inside of you and it feels really good and its necessary. So don ever let ignorant, narrow minded assholes make you feel like what you’re bringing to this world isn’t amazing. I’m someone that does believe in the power of prayer and does have a faith in God, but that doeasn’t mean for a second I don’t question why beautiful innocent incredible children like Ronan and Teddy aren’t given the chance to grow up and become beautiful amazing adults. Why they have to endure such a terrible diease, why they’re families have to endure the unimaginable loss of a child. Don’t think for a moment that those WTF moments don’t go through my mind as I read your heart breaking accounts of Ronan’s fight with asshole cancer, the devestation Teddy’s parents feel. The thoughts and feelings you have are what goes through so many people’s minds when dealing with insane and unfathomable tradegy and there is no one too holy to escape it, regardless of the garbage they spew. Babies dying of cancer isn’t God’s will, Ronan and Teddy shouldn’t be in heaven, this didn’t happe for a reason and God doesn’t randomly pick off people’s beautiful babies to add to his angels above, so anyone who gives you those bullshit lines are ignorant and have no real emotions, compassion or brains in their heads in my opinion. I’m rambling now so I’ll bring this to a close, just know that what you’re bringing to the world through your blog is inspiring to so many of us who say fuck, believe in the power of prayer, have crazy and out there thoughts run through their head that most people would think are insane (but they have them too), believe in God and yet question why pure evil and darkness exists in the form of childhood cancer, psychos with guns and so many other unimaginable ways. Those idiots who don’t want to read your blog because they’re so easily offended or because they can’t see that no matter what you write it comes from a place of blinding pain and suffering that they can’t even fathom….those people shouldn’t even be a glimmer of a thought to you because they matter to no one that counts. Keep being fabulous quirky out of the box and brutally honest you. We will keep reading and supporting you and Ronan. Much love LB.

    Reply
  132. Maribeth

     /  December 19, 2012

    Damn, some of you ‘fans’ of Maya’s are just insane. Maya has posted some strong words that can easily be taken as being against prayer or religion. I strongly disagree with her comments about the facebook posts offering prayers. I highly doubt those posters thought their prayers would bring the children of Sandy Hook back to their parents. No, they offered those prayers as words of comfort, because believe it or not, those of faith take great comfort in prayer and the thought of an afterlife where grieving family members will see their loved ones again. I don’t happen to believe that myself, although I wish I did. But for a rational human being, it is really quite easy to see how Maya offends those of faith. For example, in today’s blog, she asks shouldn’t Christmas be cancelled. Well, if all Christmas is to you is finding the best deal on an Iphone for your 6 year old, and a few drunken parties, then sure, cancel Christmas. But for those that celebrate the birth of Christ, and the promise of salvation, then Christmas is needed now more than ever. Certainly no one should call Maya names because of her beliefs and statements. That’s not very Christian either, is it? But Maya is using a very public blog to raise awareness of childhood cancer and thus funds to fight it. So she needs to understand that, as she judges those who are lucky enough to still live in the bubble that she admits she once lived in, she will also be judged for her words. I’m not terribly faithful, but even I was offended over her rant about the facebook posts. Quite frankly, who is she to tell people how they can take comfort? After all, her whole point today is how dare anyone else tell her how she can take comfort?
    Maybe it’s because of the posters who behave as if Maya can do no wrong. “Maya for president” and “WWMD (What Would Maya Do)” are just a couple of the ridiculous sentiments I’ve seen posted here. Sorry, but Maya isn’t perfect and not acknowledging her missteps or acting as if others are wrong to be offended is just ignorant.

    Reply
    • maribeth…you are missing the point. whether you consider this a very public blog or not, its still HER blog. Her feelings. You don’t have to like them or agree, but you MUST respect her right to feel that way at the moment. I think those that are coming to her defense are upset at the thoughtless way that those who disagree with her have chosen to express it. If you are offended, then don’t read it. or voice an opinion in a respectful way, as you have done. She doesn’t owe anything to anyone, regardless of how many people read her blog.

      Reply
      • Rachel Brusseau

         /  December 19, 2012

        Maribeth- I appreciate your reapectful post.

    • Brittany

       /  December 19, 2012

      Maribeth I was the one who wrote what would maya do as a joke!!! Im not getting a portatrait of Maya tattooed on my chest anytime soon (also joke) and I don’t always agree with everything that maya says or the words she uses to express her views some of the time. To ME her Christmas should be canceled comment wasn’t towards celebrating the birth of Christ, but all the bullshit Christmas has turned into be about. If you noticed no one is running around trying to prepare to celebrate Jesus’s birthday rather they’re all wrapped up into buying gifts and having the most outrages christmas lights display, instead of celebrating the true meaning of Christmas. she isn’t trying to manipulate anyone eles’s beliefs. I have visited this site since the beginning and I don’t come here because I’m all hail Maya, but I believe in her fight against childhood cancer, I believe in RONAN. I commend her for not giving up when the love of her life was taken away, I praise her that she uses all that anger she has to fight and kick cancers ass. So calm down maribeth I’m not kissing her ass rather trying to kick ass with her ;)

      Reply
    • maureen

       /  December 20, 2012

      The title of Maya’s post was “Prayers are nice but they are not going to fix things”. Not “PRAYERS ARE EVIL AND I HATE XTIANS” which is how the trolls seem to read and respond to it. Pray all you want, stop acting like Maya (or anyone) is stopping you from praying. It’s funny how all these people who claim to be religious and have a strong relationship with god get butt-hurt if anyone doesn’t believe in the same things they do.

      Reply
  133. Beckee

     /  December 19, 2012

    Maya, I am still with you. Those other people are the ones that give advise to people whose shoes thy have enter walked in, who are right back to getting upset at their kids for petty things, and thinking Christmas is about sales and Starbucks holiday drinks.
    Life is messy. Your words are not. Thank you for your courage. Keep being honest. Haters gonna hate, girlfriend. Let them. Because people like you and I are going to make a difference for their children. Someday, they will understand.
    Hugs

    Reply
  134. Kristy

     /  December 19, 2012

    although i have never lost a child, i come here almost every single day as a reminder for myself to never ever take a day with my little girl for granted. it is hard to read your entries, because i feel your pain and i feel your passion for your son and every other innocent child that has to fight cancer. i come here because i know everything you write is so real and straight from your heart. i come here to share your burden and feel your pain. i know you will change the world and already have. how can someone say those awful words to you? i am so sorry you ever had to ever read some of those words from those people. like you said there is no expiration date on grief and you have the right to feel whatever it is you feel. you are the most beautiful person and mother. thank you for everything you do for ronan!

    Reply
  135. Lisa Thomasson

     /  December 19, 2012

    I love your blog. I am suffering loss as well. I have a strong Christian faith and to be honest, the F word would normally make me cringe, but not when I read your blog. I too have encountered tremendous loss the past couple years and I find your honesty about your feelings so refreshing! You say all the things I wish I had the guts to say out loud about the pain of loss. My 2 daughters are addicted to drugs 22 and 19.. We had a perfect family and then one day the bottom fell out and the grief of watching your kids slip away is horrible. I do have an 18 year old son who just got a baseball scholarship and will graduate in the spring of 2013. Today is a hard day for me and I was so hopeful you would have a post and you did! I love the quotes by Taylor Swift. I sometimes feel like I am in an altered state of reality as I watch my daughters friends and their perfect families celebrate their accomplishments while mine are drug addicted. I know you will never see Ronan again and I have the hope of my girls changing and I so get to see them, I just wanted you to know that, I get it. It meaning, people take life for granted and complain about how hard everything is and I just want to scream!! My situation with my girls has opened my eyes to a world I never knew existed. No longer do I live in the happy go kicky who rah rah!! Thank you for your honesty and keep doing what you are doing!! I love your blog, I will never understand your pain of losing a child to cancer but as a Mom I know there is no greater Love than that we have for our kids! Let the people who find your raw honesty blow!!! I think if more people were like you, there would be more realness and compassion for others in this world!

    Much Love to you and your Family! Lisa Thomasson

    Sent from my iPhone

    Reply
  136. Sandy

     /  December 19, 2012

    Maya, Please dont feel the need to defend yourself so much. It is your blog, and your way of grieving. People may like it or not – thats their choice. Even I dont agree a 100% with some of your opinions. But I admire your love for your child and your passion to bring much needed awareness to childhood cancer. Your writing touches a nerve with thousands of people. And I do believe you will do great things for childhood cancer. I think you have an awesome support group to help you through this difficult time. And you dont need to take advice from any mean commentators. I think you should just hide the comments. And when you read the comments just delete the mean ones. Dont feel the need to respond to them. Just focus on all the good work you are doing. Take care…

    Reply
  137. pearl martinez

     /  December 19, 2012

    Hello Maya, say whatever you want, you have every right to. You been through places some have never been. And hope we never have to. Speak your mind and your heart. Its okay. And whoever doesn’t like it can go F$%& themselves! I don’t do blogs but i’ll never stop reading yours. Peace and health, Pearl…

    Reply
  138. Destiny Erikkson

     /  December 19, 2012

    LOL – wow, you sure have so many idiots conned, Maya. Again, the great and powerful Maya can do no wrong. She was, is and will forever be the most perfect, caring, loving mother and human being on the face of the planet. She is the only mother who ever lost a child. Her child was THE most beautiful child in the world. Everyone else’s child is ugly. Every other mother doesn’t come close to living up to Maya’s amazing abilities as a mother. You need a total reality check, woman. You have lived your spoiled little life with your lawyer husband who defends scum. You don’t have to worry about money. You haven’t really lived. I think this is why the death of your son has affected you so deeply. I think you are sitting there in shock still wondering how perfect little Maya had such a terrible thing happen to her? It should happen to everyone else but you, right? I really, really feel sorry for you and it’s no longer because of the loss of your son. You are such a lost, sad person. I worry about this “poppy” of yours and what she will go through. She will never live up to Ronan. You’ve said it yourself. Get some better help soon. Your little Dr. JoRo just wants to coddle you. You need someone to help you really snap out of this before it’s too late.

    Reply
    • Donna Mixon

       /  December 19, 2012

      You just really don’t get it! Don’t all of us moms think our children are the most beautiful children on earth? Don’t all of us moms think that bad things only happen to other people? We ALL live in that bubble until something horrible happens to one of our children.

      Reply
    • Amy

       /  December 19, 2012

      Wow. I am guessing you have never lost anyone, let alone your child. Donna Mixon is so right. Every parent feels this way about their child. No one ever thinks this could happen to them, until it does. If you had read the blog, you would see that despite the horrific situation she has been through, she has been an attentive, caring and nurturing parent. She clearly loves her children more than anything, and Poppy is lucky to have a mother who is so strong. You would have to be really strong to get through this and she has. Show some respect, and pray that this never happens to you because you would regret your comment in an instant.

      Reply
    • Shannon

       /  December 19, 2012

      Destiny you are utterly ridiculous. Losing a child is described and depicted in every reference throughout the course of time as the worst possible tragedy for parent to endure. You just trivialized that and insulted a large swath of people in the process who are trying to make a difference by rising up together. Mothers always change the world, read a history book. Maya never claims to be perfect. Her blog is a stream of consciousness. I doubt she even edits. Her thoughts, her pain her way of coping. If you don’t like it don’t read it. And to sink to your level you are truly an asshat. And another thing, my children are the most beautiful children in the world and I am the best mother and if you don’t feel that way you are doing something wrong.

      Reply
    • Rachel Brusseau

       /  December 19, 2012

      Destiny- you are nuts. I’m sure I’m not the first person to call you defensive. Go see a shrink & work on YOUR issues.

      Reply
    • Jen

       /  December 19, 2012

      LOL! Jealousy is sooooo not becoming. That being said, ALL mothers think their children are the most beautiful, the most special in the world. All GOOD mothers at least. I’ve never understood the point of “trolls” but now I get it! It’s just like bully syndrome; hurting others (or trying) makes you feel better. That’s pretty sad……

      Reply
    • DylBert

       /  December 20, 2012

      Troll number 3. Please do not feed. No matter how shameful what they are saying may be.

      Reply
  139. Sorry about all the assholes in the world.

    Reply
  140. Maria

     /  December 19, 2012

    You are an amazing person, I am 17 years old and you have inspired me so much to study pharmacy so that i can try to find a cure for this f*cking disease. No more people should be diying because of cancer, it is a just stupid! We have so many technological advances and yet we are unable to find a cure to cancer??? I just do not understand it. Thank you so much for opening my eyes and making me see what the real world is really about. You will never know who i am but you and your son will always have a special place in my heart.
    (sorry for the grammar mistakes, I’m not american) :)

    Reply
  141. Nicole

     /  December 19, 2012

    THANK YOU for keeping it real, and sticking to the truth of speaking the words your soul is pouring out. Perhaps more changes would happen in this world if people were more real. People need to truly speak, understand and spread the painful details to have the fire to tackel what has caused them. Maya you are a mommy gladiator and dont for a second stop being you, the person wholistic not afraid to make change happen!

    Reply
  142. Ashley

     /  December 19, 2012

    Oh Maya. Sometimes your worda do sting…..but only because it makes us realize how much we take this precious life for granted! I am still heart broken over a beautiful boy who died. I can only empathize with you and hope and pray I am never in your shoes. You grieve how you need to! If somebody doesn’t like it then…. FUCK THEM…..gasp! This is real life assholes and this is a real Mommy with a real broken heart and a real dead baby love. If you don’t like what she says close the fucking page jeez!

    Reply
  143. Camryn

     /  December 19, 2012

    I just wanna say you are so strong een when u think ur not! My mom got diagnosed with a brain tumor last Christmas and had to have surgery December 26 and it was crap! I know u might be having a craptastic day and I know my situation doesnt even compare to urs but what I do know is that god is always there even when u think he’s not. He really is! I got a present for my dad that says a mess will someday turn into a message and I’m very confident urs will too!! Have faith in god!! I know it’s hard! I’m 13 and it was so freaking hard for me but we got through it!!!! And I know u and ur wonderful family will!! I love ur blog so much and I will continue praying for ur precious family!

    Reply
  144. Valerie

     /  December 19, 2012

    Maya, NEVER apologize to ill mannered people AND for what you do or say. Its your blog, your child, you and your family’s grief. Good luck @ Christmas. xo

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  145. Amy

     /  December 19, 2012

    Ignore those people, they clearly haven’t read your blog properly. Anyone can see that your baby and family are beautiful, and that you are an amazing woman. You are grieving in the only way you know how and you know what? That is ok. In fact, what you are doing with this blog has lead to so many great things that would not have happened if you had pretended that you were fine. Those haters don’t deserve to read this blog, because ultimately the blog is an act of love; a love that is always growing as more people fall in love with your little guy. You won’t be alone this Christmas, because even though many of us have never met you, we are all here for you and your family.

    We love you Ronan, Maya and your family. Keep fighting.

    Reply
  146. Kate

     /  December 19, 2012

    Maya, I am so sorry that you have to deal with the idiots out there. As a faithful reader of your blog, I can say that your words are powerful, inspiring, and sometimes upsetting because you are raw, honest, and true. The loss of Ronan is horrific to say the least and your strength and action are awe-inspiring. Please keep doing what you are doing and please keep sharing your words with us. Thank you.

    Reply
  147. Marybeth

     /  December 19, 2012

    When I was watching the horrific news of the Newtown shooting it broke my heart. Days later when they were showing the funeral home where some of the families were at did you notice the name of the funeral home?? When I first saw the sign on the TV it read to me as Ronan. I actually had to look it up to see if it was named Ronan. Sadly it wasn’t. It was Honan. For a split second it gave me a sense of comfort seeing his name on the TV. Like a sign telling me “Hey Ronan’s in heaven too! All those kids won’t be alone”.

    We’ll be celebrating our first christmas without my cousin this year. Medulla blastoma. Not looking forward to it. I say we skip christmas all together. Too many deaths close to Christmas this year it seems like. It shouldn’t be like this.

    I’d say I’m praying for you and your family (and Teddy’s too) but I’d rather make a difference instead. Donate! One day becoming a child life specialist to comfort those kiddies.
    RoLove Mama Maya

    Reply
  148. Jenna Meister

     /  December 19, 2012

    Dont ever tell anyone that you are sorry for the way you feel! Those are your feelings and no one has the right to tell you how you how to feel!

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  149. Destiny Erikkson

     /  December 19, 2012

    Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. Fuckin fuck fuck. Fuck shit ass fuck. Fuckity fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Wow, so intelligent and mature and so full of the morals and values that should accompany the memory of a beautiful boy who died too early from cancer. Way to uphold the innocence of children. Let me guess what Poppy’s first word will be. No, not Momma, not Dada but FUCK. Awesome. Well done Loser.

    Reply
  150. Brook Young

     /  December 19, 2012

    I envy your

    Reply
  151. Victoria

     /  December 19, 2012

    I was directed to your site through my niece who has a son that also is dealing with a brain tumor. I cannot imagine what she is going through or what you and your family have endured. Please know that even though your precious son is not physically still with you, the love you shared will always be there. The picture of you holding him is exactly what you said, He was where he needed to be. Hs still is in your and your family’s heart. Please honor your children that are still physically with you and you will be honoring Ronan. Have fun with them, as I am sure you do. Vent on your blog, and know that there are many people that are fighting for all children’s health, no matter what puts their life in danger. You and your family are very strong examples of survivors, please take a moment to to embrace each other and to remember, though we do not always understand. We are all in God’s hands and that your son is safe and happy. Merry Chritmas to Ronan’s family. I think that is what he would like. God bless us all,

    Reply
  152. Mary

     /  December 19, 2012

    I love reading your heart felt, real, and honest blog. I was talking to a friend of mine tonight who is a nurse on the cancer unit at children’s hospital and were discussing grief. she said she was having a hard time reading FB with all the pointless crap people complain or worry about because of what she has to see the families on her unit go through on a daily basis. I tried to explain to her that we need to have compassion for those people as well because they have not experienced tragedy or don’t have to witness it on a daily basis like her and if they did their perspective on life would never be the same. As someone who had multiple miscarriages, I would be so angry at women who complained about being preganant or “praying” for their baby to arrive earlier than their due date because they selfishly couldn’t handle the aches and pains anymore. I would have given anything to know that joy of carrying a healthy baby. I went on to tell my friend that I finally realized I needed to stop being angry at those people because they just didn’t understand the pain I was going through and I NEVER wanted them to. It was aways going to be hard to read those posts but it was just as hard to hear news of babies being born because I never got to share the news of my babies being born. After many struggles, I did go on to have 2 healthy pregnancies but like you I am forever in club (different from yours-not comparing my pain to yours at all) of women who do our best to support each other. For me the club is more about just knowing someone else knows your pain and finding comfort in that because they knew all the RIGHT things to say. I had many people tell me… I remember when you miscarried and felt sorry for you but didn’t understand how deep the pain really was until I went through it too. There is nothing worse than telling somoene it was God’s will or everything happens for a reason. No GOD doesnt want these babies to die and families left to live without them. God is with us through the pain and he is presence is in people like your friend who has been there for you no matter what. People who judge you and your blog are just wrong. I will never understand people who take time out of their day to be so small minded and mean.

    Reply
  153. Brook Young

     /  December 19, 2012

    I envy you for your “tell it like it is” personality. I wish I had the courage to tell people to “go drink bleach” to their faces! You don’t know me but many of the coincidences in my life in the past month somehow include your georgeous little boy…
    The first time I had ever heard of “Ronan” was the night STAND UP TO CANCER aired. I loved his song immediately. It was hard not to cry…it was beautiful. A little while later my husband saw a talk show about Ronan & Taylor Swift…that night I came home from work and he told me about it. I’m embarrassed to say he said he had to change the channel because he was getting emotional over it. If you knew my husband he is a “tough guy” to say the least…police officer, courageous, strong, but fragile when it comes to kids. That night I googled your sons song then downloaded it from iTunes. I listened to it A LOT… I still do. Then November 9th, I had a coworker listen to it. I told her about your son, & we both teared up just thinking thinking about the lyrics of his fong. November 12th we learned our 12 year old son had Leukemia. That’s when the flood came, and I’ll leave that alone, but you know. The fear, questions, anger…preparing for a “new normal”. I find comfort from a few…others, like the “do gooder” types. Burn me, like them feeling “sorry” for me is going to change anything. The ones who can slip in a negative remark & a positive outlook at the same time. That’s when I wanna say listen her jackass you “praying for me” just went right out the other ear when you reminded me of the “financial burden” this is going to be! As if that is anything I am remotely concerned about. As if their was a price tag over my dons head. It seems I could go on forever, even just being in the beginning oft journey. But just know, Ronan has been I my heart since the first time I heard his song, and now his story is part of mine. A couple weeks ago I brought up up my coworker about the day I made her listen, then the series of unfortunate events that followed. She cried & cried because of it, like maybe it was a sign…the more I think of it the signs were everywhere, they just hadn’t made sense yet. xoxo

    Reply
  154. Britta White

     /  December 19, 2012

    A-fucking-men! I am so sorry peoples words upset you but as you know the world is filled with people so scared of reality they hide behind religion, quotes, blah blah blah. You freak the shit out of these people because you tell the truth…that same truth they try so hard to avoid! GOOD FOR YOU! When you stop getting a reaction from people you are no longer effective and it’s time to stop what you are doing! I think those comments are just proof you are doing amazing things!

    Reply
  155. Maya. I’m only 20 and you have no idea who I am but I seriously wish you were my best friend! You are such an amazing person who is doing AMAZING things in this world and you are going to change it! All for Ronan! And Teddy! And all the other innocent, helpless children.
    It’s so great that you’re not the kind of person who get’s discouraged by others words,rather you let that be your motivation! Good for you! I love your honesty and respect opinions! (: XOXO

    Reply
  156. If people actually took the time to get to know you and know the people you surround yourself with, they would know that you don’t hate religion and you don’t hate those who believe in it. Rissy is the number one example of this! Not only is she so strong in her faith and belief in God but she is also on the board of Ro’s foundation. THAT speaks volumes. People are so quick to judge without getting to know the whole story about you.

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  157. Christina Acosta

     /  December 19, 2012

    Thank you for your blog. You remind me that it’s ok to grieve. I was watching the coverage on Newtown today and crying and my boyfriend asked me why I was torturing myself. I didn’t know how to reply but now I do, you’re right, we need to mourn this tragedy, we cannot be so hardened about the death of children, it’s not right.

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  158. Nena

     /  December 20, 2012

    Wow. When I lost my son I took up drinking and hating the entire world….and I was sure to let them all know that I hated them. THAT was ugly. What you do and are doing, is amazing. All while trying to cope with grief ( which btw to the rudes, EVERYONE grieves differently. You can’t tell someone how to grieve. That’s just ridiculous. ) there’s nothing ugly about that

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  159. I truly hope you never change a thing, I love who you are and I love the person you are! Fuck anyone that puts you down Maya, You are one of the most amazing mothers,wife and friend and there are many will and do attest to that, you are loved for who you are and your unwillingness to bend to anyone else’s beliefs just to take the easy way! Anyone that truly has taken the time to learn anything about you through this journey wouldn’t need an explanation to the words of your post, I know I didn’t, you do and say everything with love and passion like no other and you inspire and demand the same of others that want to commit to this fight and those judging need to get off your ass because they are too small minded to really step up to the plate and face this awful disease for what it really is and even worse they judge while doing as little as possible to help fight it… screw the stupid people you are not the Jackass whisperer (Love that saying) keep being you Maya we love You and are so very proud of you and of Ronan, Quinn, Liam and woody!

    Reply
  160. Maribeth

     /  December 20, 2012

    I wasn’t upset, so don’t need to calm down. There seems to be lots of trolls on this blog lately, but I promise I’m not one of them! I absolutely agree with you….Maya is to be commended for focusing her grief and anger in such a positive way. I don’t know that I’d be able to do that if I were in her shoes, and I hope I never have to find out. We are all here to support her and her quest to end pediatric cancer, so we should focus on that!

    Reply
  161. Maribeth

     /  December 20, 2012

    Whoops, my comment was a reply to Brittany above.

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  162. Christina

     /  December 20, 2012

    Mrs. Maya,
    I really don’t know what to say. I am so sorry that anyone would belittle you and send you such hate. Most of us have never walked in your shoes so who the hell are we to tell you what to do, how to feel, how to act, or what you should be saying?! I do believe in the power of prayer, however, I do not believe in the power of prayer and sitting on your ass doing nothing. I know that God doesn’t answer every prayer and I don’t know why. I will continue to pray, advocate, donate, volunteer at events and raise hell about childhood cancer because that’s the only way there will ever be a cure for childhood cancer. I think you are an absolutely beautiful woman inside and out. And I am just so sincerely sorry Ronan was taken from you. I support you 100%.

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  163. Miriam

     /  December 20, 2012

    Just wanted to give my own two cents: it’s very nice and comforting to say that there’s a reason for everything even if we don’t understand it. But some things defy reason. What happened to Ronan, for example, or those beautiful children in Newtown. I’m a very religious person, but sometimes I have to throw my hands in the air and say, “There’s no way God has anything to do with this, because it’s too awful.”
    God doesn’t want little children in heaven. He wants them down on Earth, growing up and living with their families in happiness and love.

    Reply
  164. RobininHouston

     /  December 20, 2012

    With each post, I fall more in love with you Maya. I’m a Mom and a Grandmother. I know grief too well since I’ve buried two beautiful sisters. I hope to hell I never, ever know the grief of you or my own Mom. I honestly could not bear it and stay of this world. I do know one thing though, I read your blog BECAUSE you are so damn honest about your feelings and thoughts. Because I looked at the picture of Ronan and fell deeply in love with the most beautiful blue eyes I’ve ever seen and in that one moment, my heart was broken. Broken for Ronan, for you, for Ronan’s Daddy and brothers and all of the many family and friends whose lives he touched in his short life. Maya, you know as we all do that there are people in our society that are judgmental, small minded, cruel and get some kind of satisfaction with being ugly. I can’t imagine what kind of person derives pleasure from the suffering of another and finding fault in how anyone grieves, but I can never be that kind of person. Honestly, I don’t read all of the comments because I’m only interested in what you have to say. But, please Maya, don’t allow them to be posted to YOUR blog and don’t react to them. THAT is exactly what they want. To get under your skin. Do NOT give anyone that kind of power over you. Ever. Those of us who come here do so because we feel for you, for your Ronan, for your family. And we hope. We hope to bear witness to all of the wonderful things you are doing in Ronan’s memory and we hope to bear witness to you taking each small step through this horrific grieving process that shall never end, but maybe one day, find room for joyous moments that fill your heart. As for me, I’m not offended by anything you have posted. I’m only growing more compassionate as a woman, more outraged by the reason why there’s no cure for cancer and why funding for pediatric cancer isn’t more of a priority. Maya, you hold all of your own power so let noone draw even the slightest of it from you. You are going to need it all to continue your fight for Ronan, and Teddy, and all of the other children whose lives are being affected by childhood cancers. I wish you peace.

    Reply
  165. Libby

     /  December 20, 2012

    Maya, I can not imagine someone having the balls to get offended by the expression of another person’s grief. Especially a person that has lost a child. I can’t imagine a greater loss and I know if I were you I’d NEVER get over being angry and I’d NEVER find complete peace. Ever. You are not an ugly person, you are an inspirational person that is turning their own shitty situation into a great life work. I hope you and your family have the happiest holidays that you possibly can.

    Reply
  166. Reading your blog makes me feel better about my craziness and my fears. I tell my Sam every night “don’t ever leave me” you are a wonderful woman Maya. Keep fighting for Ronan!!!

    Reply
  167. DylBert

     /  December 20, 2012

    Maya, I just recently found your website and found your story both heartbreaking and inspiring. I think you Ronan and your family are amazingly brave. I also think many of these negative posts aren’t real followers, I think they are sad shameful people just posting hurtful things to get reaction.

    Your story is amazing and you should be free to tell it however you want on this forum without judgmental and moronic comments. I hope your are able to find some joy in this season however bittersweet.

    Reply
  168. Lila

     /  December 20, 2012

    Maya is right! Anywhere Ronan should be is with his mommy, brothers, and dad! with his family, friends, cousins, etc. He was four years old! why did he go back to God? he would have gone to school, got a job, married, kids, whatever he wanted to do! he would have lived a great life, not that he didn’t in his four years, but he could have done so much more! Love you Ro! Wish you were here with your family and mommy!

    Reply
  169. Kristin

     /  December 20, 2012

    To Destiny and other trolls: I dont give a FUCK if Maya uses every curse word in the book to describe her feelings of grief and anger at what happened to her child. She has the courage and honesty to share her life with the world, she needs to be respected fot that. We are on this blog to help her in her mission to find a cure for childhood cancer-nothing more or less. If her language offends you, dont read the FUCKING BLOG. And instead of bitching about it, why dont you donate to the Ronan Thompson Institute and do some good on this world?
    Love you Maya and Ronan from Philly!

    Reply
  170. seana

     /  December 20, 2012

    you go girl ! this is your page to vent and tell it how it really is. The pain a heart feels when you loose someone is like no other and those ass holes that say other wise and say it gets better are talking shit. Your blog is amazing the cold hard facts about cancer and the way it effects us….you is just so moving. You are a inspiration to us all , if i was half the person you are id feel as if id made a difference , but you have taking it one step further your doing more than making a difference , i truly believe you as a person have the power, courage and determination to kick the shit out of childhood cancer and every other cancer while your at it. Sending all my support to you from the UK.

    Reply
  171. Danielle Cohen

     /  December 20, 2012

    I think you are truly amazing!! Every time I read your posts, I’m heartbroken all over again. I could never stop following Ronan’s story!

    Reply
  172. Des

     /  December 21, 2012

    I just don’t understand some people,I can’t believe someone would have the nerve to tell you you’re ugly because you don’t believe the same thing as them. You are entitled to your opinion as much as they are, and if they don’t want to hear it then why the hell are they reading your blog? Makes me so mad. This is all about Ronan, not them and there pettiness, I’m sorry to you have to hear from assholes like that.
    Keep fighting, I really believe you will make a big difference with childhood cancer. Much love

    Reply
  173. Kris

     /  December 21, 2012

    Maya,

    Nobody should judge you period!

    I used to be an angry angry person too! Well sometimes I still am.. I especially feel that way toward the medical profession…I hate that sometimes I have to rely on them for anything!!!

    I lost my baby at 14 weeks, after they promised me I was “golden” in the second trimester.. that the bleeding I was experiencing was normal for some… ha.. whatever …I found myself in the emergency room with an ultra sound tech, I asked her if there was a heartbeat, she said she was not allowed to give me info that the doctor would have to talk to me, I looked her straight in the eye and said ” don’t make me wait another 30 min for the doctor to f ing tell me what I already feel in my gut! So she looked me in the eye and said no.. there is no heartbeat…

    So the doctor with his awful f ing bedside manner read the report to me…

    No fetal heartbeat ( fetal? thats my baby you douche!!!)

    no fetal heartbeat is uncompatiable with life ( no shit moron!!)

    Fetal demise imminent really fetal demise???!???!???!??! you could not have at least made it sound a little more sincere like ytou actually give a shit about me…

    Then said that we will let nature take it’s course and sent me home with a bucket and told me to save any tissue that is passed!!!!!! And if need be when I came back they would look and see if I passed all of the tissue, or if I needed surgery to remove the rest!!!

    so Iwas sent home to labor ( yes that is exactly what it was, contractions) until the “tissue had passed)

    People would say things well at least you didn’t have to give birth first before he/she died… also at least you didn’t bond first… you can try again…that was God’s way of telling you that something was not right with the pregnancy, and to save you from heartbreak later on.. on and on blah blah blah… really stupid shit, I had to work through my anger…Then I realized the people saying this shit just really had never experienced loss…and if they had they would never never have said such moronic stupid fucking shit!!!

    so I know all about the stupid shit people say, so I am not outraged by what you say … I too felt that way before!

    xoxo … childhood cancer demise imminent… cause Ro Mama is on the attack!!!

    Reply
  174. Sandee

     /  December 21, 2012

    My heart goes out to you. I saw your blog a couple months ago, and every now and then come back to it. When i look at Ronan’s picture in the top right corner, my heart breaks. I have a 14 year old son who is the world to me and I cannot imagine what you have gone through. I just wanted you to know that i think of you and Ronan often, pray for you and again, my heart goes out to you.

    Sandee

    Reply
  175. cindy

     /  December 21, 2012

    Maya, I can’t judge, I am not you. I can’t even imagine what it has been like for you. I look at my two kids and think what my life would be like without them and I feel so devastated. But, to watch my child slowly suffer and die and there is nothing I can do about it would literally make me go crazy! I read your blog to inspire me to be a better person, to humble me. Also I really like you. You are not afraid to speak your mind and I love that about you. I wish I could be more that way and I am beginning to take that steps. So BRAVO Maya! You speak your mind, You cry, You scream, you do whatever you need to… for Ronan, for all the children who need you raise awareness! It’s because of it that drew me to you and I am sure thousands of others! So, I will continue to read your blogs and cry along with you. Bless you and all your efforts.

    Cindy

    Reply
  176. Ashley

     /  December 23, 2012

    You have a good heart! Like you said this is your blog for YOU to state how you feel. And if people can not appreciate or get even a little something out of what you write then fuck them! People are such small minded fucking idiots these days! You are a true inspiration I will always read this blog you are one of the strongest, bravest, REAL people that I feel like I know. Keep doing what you’re doing and never change you are awesome!!!

    Reply
  177. allisonpowell90

     /  December 27, 2012

    Maya,

    First of all, fuck cancer and fuck people that have the audacity to come on YOUR blog where you express your feelings to tell you how wrong you are. People are idiots and I apologize to you from them.
    Secondly, you are amazing. I hope you see and know that. Your pain that you write about is soul shattering and I so desperately wish there was something I-or anyone-could do to ease your pain, even just for a minute or two. You, my dear, are a true gem in this world full of dull stones.
    Lastly, (although there is no protocol for grief), I tell everyone all the time that the way you grieve is healthy. You don’t try to hide your real feelings or your tears. You aren’t hiding in a bottle of booze or pills. You channel your pain into action against childhood cancer. You are doing more than all those assholes just “praying” day in and day out. You are DOING something. You are changing this world, little by little.
    Also, it’s so easy for people to have such strong faith who have never witnessed or felt such a cruel situation. Please ignore those people and know you are so loved by so many people who you don’t know. I know that doesn’t bring your beautiful Ro back, but maybe it will bring a miniscule about of comfort during the unbearable moments.
    We love you and you are in our thoughts every day, as well as your husband and your children. Love from Platte City, MO.

    Reply
  178. Labiba

     /  December 28, 2012

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while now. Every single post leaves me in tears. I’m sixteen years old and I lost my little brother, Mario, to brain cancer in 2008 when he was just 9 years old. I find it amazing how simply you can string words together that I always knew I felt but could never state in a sentence. It breaks my heart just to imagine what my mother is feeling, thank you for being a voice for these children. I wish I could personally thank Ronan myself for being the start of what is going to change society, whether they know it now or not.

    Reply
  179. Kara Jones

     /  December 30, 2012

    Hi Maya my name is Kara. I am 18 and I have just recently started following your blog and I just wanted you to know you and Ronan have made a huge impact in my life. It is so beautiful what you are doing in keeping Ronan’s memory alive. Don’t ever believe you have to move on or accept what has happened. Ronan is and will always be here with you and I can’t imagine what you are going through. No one is more important than Ronan and never will be. Thank you so much for allowing us to get to know Ronan. He will always be in my thoughts. All my love Kara

    Reply
    • M

       /  January 1, 2013

      It is wrong when people come here to judge Maya, we don’t know her pain and what’s she’s going through, and I hope that she will accomplish great things in honor of Ronan.
      But one important thing that no one has mentioned, it’s the blog readers that support Ronan’s foundation, it’s the people that donate their money that will help her accomplish “great huge things”. So she DOES need to give a f*** about what they think to a certain content,at least be a little more careful not to hurt people’s faith and beliefs. I’m afraid that she’s losing financial supporters by her hostility against people with faith. People help her and donate their money to her son’s foundation, and yet she tells them to f*** their god. Anyways, I see wrong in both sides. People have no right to judge Maya. And Maya has no right(yes,even though she’s grieving) to be mean to people by belittling their faith.

      Reply
  180. Melody Sommerville

     /  January 1, 2013

    My heart goes out to you Maya, I would be pissed off if people told me to get over the loss of my child too. That is something you never get over. <3 Ronan, a beautiful little guy that left this Earth too soon!

    Reply
  181. Stephanie Westover

     /  January 1, 2013

    I love your honesty and cry tears of grief for you when I read your blog. No mother should ever have to watch their precious child hurt and die and dammit, screw anyone who says they don’t like you or tell you to get over it! I don’t think you can ever get over losing a part of your heart and soul. Stay true to your son and yourself and keep it real!

    Reply
  182. Aimee Kerrigan

     /  January 28, 2013

    I can’t put into words how much respect I have for you; honestly, I am rarely speechless and I have no way to tell you all that I would like to say. Your thoughts are raw and true. You are right, Ronan doesn’t belong anywhere but with his famiily. Thank you for everything you do to raise awareness about childhood cancer.

    Reply

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