Dear Ronan and Teddy, I’m so sorry.


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Ronan. I had planned on writing to you about all the things I’ve been doing this week to keep myself busy. Some really, really great things. I actually thought I was having an o.k. week. I’ve had some really great things happen that I was going to talk in full detail about. But right now, I can’t. Right now, I am sitting here listening to the rain pour down on the roof and I know it’s your tears, my tears, Teddy’s tears, and the tears of everyone that loved him. Teddy died today or this evening. I’m not sure when, but it happened not long ago. I was on my Facebook a couple of hours ago, checking in on him. The third thing to pop up was his little picture with his birthdate and the day he died on it which was today. Quinn was in my bedroom when this happened. I started punching some pillows. My phone rang. It was Macy. I didn’t answer it. (sorry, Mace) Quinn ran over to see who called me. I took my face and buried it in my hands and started to sob and sob and sob. Quinn saw. “Uhhhhh…. dad. Macy just called and mom is crying.” He ran out of the room to get your daddy. I just sat and cried with my face in my hands because I couldn’t do anything else. Your daddy came into the room and saw what was up on my computer screen. Quinn saw it, too. “Teddy died? That boy we met this summer?” Your daddy said yes, rubbed my back and told me he was sorry. They left the room after that so I could continue to weep for that precious baby boy, that reminded me so much of you.

I sat for a good 15 minutes and cried about Teddy. Liam came in the room and Quinn told him the news. “Oh. That’s sad,” Liam said. I got up out of bed. Your daddy left for a Christmas party. There was no way I was going to that. I would have went postal and ended up doing something totally psychotic, especially after hearing the Teddy news. I sent him on his way. Your brothers and I lit our menorah and said our own version of a prayer which is entirely made up of talking to you. I asked you to keep Teddy safe and that I knew you two would be great friends. Quinn said he hopes you two are playing together. Liam said he was sorry, he missed you and you were both wonderful boys and he hopes you are together. I tucked them both in while begging you in my head to keep your brothers healthy and with us for the rest of our lives. Please, Ronan. I can’t ever lose another child again… Keep them safe for me. I love them so much. Poppy too.

My days this week have been crazy. I made your daddy president of your foundation. I went to an AA meeting today to support a dear friend, not because I am an alcoholic. You know me and how I spit out wine because I think it tastes so disgusting, but today I was invited to sit in a room where I got to listen to a bunch of problems that for once, were so different than my own so I jumped at the chance. I sat and cried while listening to other people’s pain. It meant a lot to me to be able to go and support my friend. It’s the least I can do after how much she has supported me during all of this. Exciting things have been happening with this book. I had a phone conference today where I called up that awesome company Spirit Hoods and ran my idea past them about having them make a limited edition Spirit Hood in honor of you and all kids fighting cancer. www.spirithoods.com I told them my idea for a monkey one where the inside of paw will incorporate the Gold Ribbon so more people will know that the GOLD Ribbon represents childhood cancer. They are so on board and so excited. I was literally jumping up and down when I got off the phone with them. You loved your little spirit hood so much. I went to the PCH clinic today in honor of Taylor Swift’s birthday and passed out a bunch of her RED C.D.s, RED bracelets and all other things Taylor inspired. I got to see a bunch of our favorite faces and give them all big hugs. See, Ronan. Lots of good things are happening which is why I cannot listen to that voice screaming in my head that I cannot live in this world anymore. I don’t hear that voice very often anymore, but hearing the news about Teddy today maked me just want to curl up in a ball and die. But I won’t and I can’t because if I do, things like all the things I mentioned above, won’t get done. And bringing some smiles to some kids’ faces today who are dealing with this asshole called cancer will be enough to make me ignore that fucking voice that is telling me that all of this is just too painful.

I met a mom today. Another mom that lost her older son in a totally different way. I think he was about 19. I think she said it had been 9 years since he died. She said she used to read my blog, but had to stop because it became too sad. But she thanked me for it too and said it has helped so many people. We talked about a lot of things. And although it had been much longer since her son passed away, her pain was just as present as mine. It doesn’t go away or lesson. It is always there, and from the look in her eyes today, you would have thought her son had just died yesterday. I cried with her. I cried for her. I told her I was sorry. We made plans to get together. I really hope we do. We are in that fucked up club that feels so lonely most of the time. So when you find “another” who is like you, you latch on. At least I seem to do. We already have an instant bond that no parent wants in life, but as I am finding out, so many do.

It came up today that I had lost a child. The person that I was telling this to, automatically went to, “Oh, he’s an angel now!” 6 months ago, this would have left me speechless. Today, the little antennas went up on my head. The mama tiger in me came out and growled in the nicest way possible, “Well, he shouldn’t be. And I don’t want him to be. He should be here with me. No parent should have to be without their child.” I know this woman meant no harm. But I also know I have no tolerance for the stereotypical shit that gets said after people find out you have a dead kid. I am done playing the nice, sweet role where I politely smile and say, “Thank you for you kind words.” That leaves me feeling resentful in a way because I am not being true to myself because I am too worried about hurting other peoples feelings. I get it. People don’t know what to say when they hear you have lost a child. But you know what???  If you don’t know what to say, the best and simplest thing is to just say you are sorry. Those words are golden in my book. Solid gold.

Alright little man. It is pouring down rain. I know why. I hear you loud and clear. I’m sorry you and Teddy have to be friends somewhere else and it’s not here. Please take care of him. Please tell him to take care of his parents and his older brother the way you are taking care of all of us. I’m sorry, baby boy. I’m so very sorry. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, Ronan and Teddy. I love you both.

xoxo

P.S. Fuck you cancer. You are the biggest fuckwad I’ve ever met in my LIFE!

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15 Comments

  1. Rita Dickinson

     /  December 13, 2012

    I’m so sorry.

    Reply
  2. Glenda

     /  December 13, 2012

    RoMama,
    I’m so sorry for Teddy. I saw it on fb too. I thought of you. Of Ronan! Fucancer!!!

    Rolove mama. Always rolove xo

    Reply
  3. Tracey Warren

     /  December 13, 2012

    Hi Maya
    My name is Tracey and I live in Australia. I have been following your blog for a couple of months now. Reading it is as if I am reading my own thoughts. We lost our beautiful little six year old son Thomas September last year to cancer too. Rhabdomyosarcoma! He fought for half his little life before cancer took him from us. I am so sorry to read about teddy. My dearest friend who supported me through this and continues to do so is now facing watching her six year old daughter die from relapsed brain tumours. There is nothing they can do but enjoy every last moment they have with her. It is like you said in an earlier blog…..cancer is my murdering our children and we have to stand by and let it happen.
    Please keep writing. You inspire me to maybe start my own blog. Maybe voicing my thoughts will help us through every dark and bleak day we face without our beautiful little boys. Take care of yourself.
    Hugs and kisses xoxoxo

    Reply
  4. Maya, first of all let me tell you , you are a true inspiration and I know with all my heart you are one amazing beautiful woman with a heart made of gold. I’m a Christian a true believer who has great faith in our lord Jesus Christ. I wish I had the right words to somehow make you see past this crapy world.. This world is so disgusting and the one only who can really change it it’s our one and only true god Jesus !!!! I don’t understand y ppl don’t allow them selfs to see the wonderful god we serve !! He is amazing full of love , he wants us all to be with him in the end cause at the end of the day we will all die one day. I’m so sorry for what your going thru I can imagine it being the hardest thing a mother has to go thru. But I can assure Ronan and Teddy are safe and at peace :) I will continue to lift you it prayers every night !

    Reply
  5. Nicole Johnson

     /  December 13, 2012

    Maya,
    Normally I wouldn’t leave a comment. Tonight however, seems like the right time. People who say that they’re in a better place, obviously haven’t lost someone in their lives that they’ve truly loved. It doesn’t get better with time. You live with it every day because of the other people in your life that love you and count on you. The ones that would be lost without you here with them… The way that you are lost without Ronan. I know this because I lost my mother on Jan. 2, 2006 @ the age of 51 due to a heart attack. My father, died two months later of lung cancer at the age of 57. I miss them just as much now as I did then. It still feels like yesterday. You stil grieve everyday and no matter what people say… It doesn’t take the pain away. I didn’t start reading your blogs until after Ronan was gone. I did however keep up with Teddy’s blog. Cancer does fucking suck! These two boys should’ve NEVER had to find out how much! Yours and Teddy’s family should’ve NEVER had to find out how much either! Life can be so cruel sometimes! However, with Ronan’s help…. YOU will help all of these other families to fight this cruel disease ! Maya, you are the epitomy of a true HERO! Ronan is out there somewhere and he is so proud of the work his mommy is doing. Liam, Quinn, Ronan, and little Poppy are so incredibly blessed to have you as their mother!

    Reply
  6. Erin

     /  December 13, 2012

    I’m so sorry. No words tonight, just tears. I’m going to light a candle right now and remember all of these beautiful children lost.

    Reply
  7. Maddie

     /  December 13, 2012

    Dear Maya,
    i’m a 14 year old girl from Australia. i first heard about your blog when i heard the song, Ronan a couple of months back. I remember finding your blog so sad, but inspiring at the same time it really made me appreciate and be grateful for what I have and who I am. I used to sit in class and read your blog religiously and want to jump in the air when you posted again, but I also used to sit there and cry. My friends thought I was crazy but really I was just sorry, sorry that you have to go through this and sorry that Ronan did too. I apologize for having nothing more to say than im sorry, from the bottom of my heart I am sorry. I know Ronan is watching over you, your family and every other child suffering from fucking cancer and I know he is proud. All my love and prayers go out to you, and Teddy’s family. And thank you for your work, your doing an amazing job.
    Lots of love Maddie xoxox

    Reply
  8. the worst thing about all of this is that it shouldn’t be happening. If the government, the large cancer organisations and the pharmaceutical companies had been doing their fricken jobs from the start, these kids would have a much better outcome. Fucking assholes.

    Reply
  9. lilhoneybear

     /  December 13, 2012

    hi…you know when I heard taylor swifts song called “Ronan” and found out what that song meant and what it was all about… I started reading your blogs since then.

    I am soooo very very sorry about Ronan and what you are going through…I do hope with the foundation you formed will help in the future for little children to get cured from Cancer…I too hate the word cancer whether it is a form for small children or adults…to me it seems like a curse word…the more you listen and hear more and more people are passing away from the stupid disease…including my mom…she passed away this past march…yes different type of cancer…and there is not a day or night that goes by I don’t think of her or my father as they both passed away within 6 weeks of one another…and I was their only daughter so everything was and is on my shoulders…dealing with their house etc…I at my age now feel like an orphan…even though I do have 3 lovely sons who are adults already…

    it hurts when parents are taken away but a child that is not fair…like my grandma rest her soul she use to say old people must pass away but young ones can’t…anywho my heart goes out to you and your family and Teddys family as well…take care hugs Eva

    Reply
  10. Shelley Adelson

     /  December 14, 2012

    I love the rain tonight that confirms Ronan is with Teddy . God Bless you both xoxo

    Reply
  11. Angela

     /  December 14, 2012

    I’m so sorry about Teddy. Plain and simple it’s just not right. There are never any words of comfort, EVER. Absolutely nothing can make a person feel a little better after losing the most precious gift ever…. Maya, i’m so glad you are comfortable in speaking your mind when people say the wrong thing. When I lost my baby I called a friend who lived in another country. She told me that even though it was a very sad thing, I was lucky, because my baby would have to beg for a place in heaven for me before he was able to get into heaven himself…I would now be guaranteed a place in heaven. In my mind I went fucking ballistic, in real life I kept my very angry, disgusted thoughts to myself. I so wish I could go back and speak a few colourful words…. Hugs to you, Ronan, Teddy and his loved ones….and as always…FUCK CANCER!!

    Reply
  12. Isabelle

     /  December 14, 2012

    I can’t believe it… I can’t believe that something can really come into your life, and break it like glass. I don’t know where Ronan, Teddy, Ben, Esther, Jen, and all those other beautiful souls that were murdered are. I really don’t. Maya, I don’t even know if you’re reading this, but I wish I could believe they were angels. I wish I could believe they were in Heaven. I WANT to. But… I truly believe, and desparately want to believe, that they are simply wild and free. I hope that Ro Baby is in a place he wants to be, whether it be a roller coaster theme park, or a beach with his little seal minions. Like I said, I don’t know. But I wish.

    My sister and I discovered the Ronan Tee’s, and totally fell in love. My sister doesn’t even read Rockstar Ronan, except when I ask her to read or watch something, which she will do happily. My little sis, though she doesn’t read this blog, loves Ronan, I know this. I hope Poppy brings some joy into your life, and a spring in your step. Love, Isabelle

    Reply
  13. Gina Wittig - Hoover, AL

     /  December 14, 2012

    Maya
    My daughter, Emily “Mo”, and I read your blog. We feel like we know you guys. Thank you for letting us into your life. Our cousin, Shannon is from AZ, and is raising money with the Run Like A Rockstar fundraiser, which we happily donated to!!
    I really appreciate your honesty. I felt the same exact way when my father died. All I wanted to hear was “I’m sorry”. Not – “he’s in a better place”. He’s not here – here is where he should be.. People can say some stupid things!! I’ve taught my kids to only say “I’m sorry” because that’s what my Daddy taught me!!

    Reply
  14. I’m so sorry about Teddy! I’m so sorry about Ronan! I still have my 3 babies but I did lose one before it could be born. And my youngest we just found out not only has CHARGE, not only is DeafBlind but now will have a brace because has Scoliosis. How do you tell a DeafBlind child he has to be tortured some more, wear a brace to keep from getting worse and to help it get straight. Thank you for setting that mom straight… God is the Almighty and would create more angels rather than take a child from a parent. People do not think about what they say. Just like a young girl said once to me “I never cry. I think people are either trying to get attention or they are just weird.” I said (accidentally out loud) “oh! Dear! Looks like you never went though something that rips your heart I two…. I hope you never do. But when it does you will regret ever saying something like what just came out of your mouth..” Then I walked away!
    Love the shirts by the way!
    From another mama in pain!

    Reply

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