19 months and I hate cancer





Ronan. I woke up today, not knowing the date. Then I got the little reminder of my phone that simply says, “Ronan. I miss you.” It comes up the 9th of every month because sometimes my scattered mind forgets what day of the week it even is. I didn’t have a danger day, like I used to on the 9th of every month. I miss those. I’m far too pregnant and tired to do anything dangerous so my danger days have been put on hold. I did finally get my manicure though. I decided today I would get a Captain Rex manicure just for you. So I had my fingers painted blue and silver, just like your favorite Star Wars guy. I missed you a lot today, but that is true of every day since you left here. I still cannot believe it’s been 19 months.

I did a lot of nothing today as I just wanted to make it through the day and I did. I ran some errands, took a nap, cleaned out my closet, got all the laundry done and put away. Very exciting things. I have a busy week and I am hoping goes by fast. I just want to be out of here and off to Washington soon. I need a break from this place and some fresh air. I’m tired of the sun.

Teddy’s mom sent me a text today and told me a hummingbird came to visit Teddy in his window today. I still think of you every time a hummingbird appears. I think you came to visit Teddy today to tell him that you will take good care of him. I so wish it wasn’t this way. For the both of us. I don’t want Teddy’s mom to know what any of this is like. She said Teddy is doing alright. They have him on morphine patches. I had a flashback of you having to wear those. I remember how soon they started doing nothing for your pain because the cancer just started eating away at your little body. I cry about this a lot. I wish I could have felt the pain, instead of you. I still don’t understand how everything got so out of control, so quickly. It was like in the blink of an eye, you were hurting so much. I’m so sorry I couldn’t fix you, Ronan. I’m so sorry for all of this.

I don’t have much more to say tonight. I am far too tired and too sad, to write much more. I know you and Teddy are going to be great friends. I just wish it were down here, on earth with us and not somewhere else. You two don’t belong anywhere else. Fuck you cancer. I hate you. But I love you, Ronan. I love you to the moon and back, forever and always. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, my spicy monkey boy.


  • Instagram is my BFF

    50k to Dr. Sholler and the amazing NMCRT. So proud to be able to support this amazing group of innovative thinkers! #ronan #fucancer #trailblazers #nmtrc #tgen #thisiswhatmatters #brillantminds #compassionatesouls #worldchangers #woodyisagiant So, this happened today. So thankful to be able to support such an amazing team of doctors and researchers. This is the future of pediatric cancer. Thank you all for continuing to help us do amazing things such as this! #ronan #fucancer #fuckmay #nmtrc #kidsvscancer #tgen @ronanfoundation #drgisellebadasssholler Neuroblastoma and Medulloblastoma Translation Research Consortium. Oh, and Happy Cinco De Maya;) #ronan #fucancer #roomfullofthebestpeeps #kidsvscancer @becauseofezra #helendevoschildrenshospital #tgen #nmtrc #drgisellebadasssholler @ronanfoundation

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