I meant to get a manicure, but I wound up in the hospital instead.


tumblr_m9i6yn6qKe1qkvjujo1_500Ronan. The past few days, have been really, really bad. Not only for me mentally, but physically as well. I think I’ve been overdoing some things. I think I’m in a really bad grieving period and I’m not sure quite what to do. I’m pretty sure it has a lot to do with the holidays coming up. All I want for Christmas is you and I can’t come to peace with that I don’t get to have you here with us. I am notorious for throwing up since losing you. It has been happening off and on since you left this earth. I had really bad morning sickness with Poppy that I thought I had gotten through, but it might not be the morning sickness that is making me still so very sick. I started throwing up on Monday night and I haven’t been able to keep anything down for days. I know what the flu feels like, and this is not the flu. I think it’s just grief/exhaustion/ pregnancy. My insomnia is making me a mad woman as well. The combo of throwing up and not sleeping caught up with me and Dr. Schwartz made me check myself into the hospital where I was pumped full of IV fluids, monitored, and then they gave me a shot in the ass that hurt like a mother fucker. I was dehydrated. With a severe case of I really, really, really just miss you. I am home now but I wish I wasn’t. I’m going crazy in our house, not having you here. All of my pain seems to so sharp again, just when I thought it was becoming a little duller. It’s not. Everything hurts to the core, worse than normal.

I made it through much of the week, trying to be as productive as possible. Nobody really knew anything was wrong except your daddy because he has watched me become the spawn of the devil. Throwing up, up and down all night long, crying all through the night, pulling away because it’s what I do best when I am in so much pain. I can still put on a good game face when I have to though. Like when I went to an event on Tuesday at PCH. One where the room was full of some of my favorite people that treated you. I was feeling miserable, but I know when to turn on my acting skills. I saw one of my favorite doctors there, Dr. Adams. I haven’t seen her since before you passed away. I went up to her. I don’t know if she recognized me right away. I touched her arm. “Dr. Adams. It’s Maya, Ronan’s mom.” I watched her eyes well up with tears. She grabbed me and just held on to me for a minute. “Oh my gosh, dear. How are you? I told her I was o.k. I told her about your Poppy sister. She said she was so glad to see me. The press conference started on so we had to be quiet. I stood next to her for it. She had to sneak out in the middle of it but before she left she grabbed on to me once again, embraced me in her arms and whispered in my ear. “This baby girl is not going to replace Ronan. Nothing ever will. Ever. Not even close. I know you know that. But I think she will help your broken heart just a bit. Please take care of yourself. It was so nice to see you.” I told her thank you and somehow managed not to become a puddle on the floor. That woman will always have a special place in my heart. I know she is so sad that you didn’t get better. So many people are. I was thankful for her kind words. It takes a special kind of person to really say what is in their heart. I think it is much easier for people just to say things like, “Congratulations!” about the new baby, and harder for them to really truly understand that this is not going to fix everything. That behind this baby, is still a lot of sadness and pain. I know this baby is an absolute gift. But I also know it is not the answer for the big gaping hole that is in my heart. She will never replace you. She will be a part of you. I will find some comfort in that.

It wasn’t until yesterday, that I really knew I was in breakdown mode. I know the not sleeping thing, is making everything worse. All I could do yesterday was cry and throw up. Cry and throw up. I cried at the post office. I cried picking up your brothers jerseys for their YMCA basketball game. I cried when that Coldplay song, “Fix You,” came on the radio. I walked around numbly for most of the day. I went into some stupid pretty store, full of stupid pretty things. I was waiting for the store to make me feel happy and fulfilled like I’m sure it would have, in my previous life, right? Because I’m sure I was the asshole back then, who thought shit like that mattered in life. I walked through this store, which looked like a NYC home store boutique on crack. Pretty stupid expensive Christmas stuff everywhere. I just wanted to be the normal girl who went “Ohhhh and Ahhhh!” over everything. Instead, all I wanted to do was throw every breakable, delicate item on the ground and scream, “What is WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! This bullshit is not what matters in life! Don’t you know that Ronan died and Teddy is dying and all these kids need our help?!!!!” I left the store and drove aimlessly around crying so hard, I don’t know how I didn’t get into an accident. I ended up in a parking lot, and called Dr. Jo. We had a good little phone conversation and I ended up calming down. I was supposed to see her today, but then I ended up in the hospital. I am home now. I wish I wasn’t. I liked being in the hospital listening to all the beeps and sounds that I used to listen to, with you. I know that sounds crazy, but to me it was comforting.

Your daddy came home tonight to tell me that our dentist had died. The non-smoker dentist who developed lung cancer out of the blue. Our young dad of a dentist that I used to take you to. How is that fucking possible? You are healthy. He takes care of your beautiful teeth. You get cancer. We stop going to him. He gets cancer. He is treated for it. You die. He dies. And you were both so fucking innocent. He didn’t smoke. You didn’t do a thing wrong in your life but you were both dealt the hand of a fucking death sentence. I hope the fuckwad that came up with the saying, “Everything happens for a reason,” reads this. Then they can go and fuck off. Everything DOES NOT happen for a reason. There was no reason for your death or his. Now his wife is left here and his kids have to grow up without a dad. There is no reason at all for the endless pain and suffering on this planet, especially when it has to do with such innocent souls. Everything happens for a reason is another one of the stupidest sayings in life. Add it to my list of things only idiots say.

Our Teddy friend is not doing so well. That might be another reason I am so upset this week. This is killing my soul. I had the best day with him this summer, kissing the top of his little bald head and holding his hand as we crossed the street. The way he laughed and played with your brothers, reminded me so much of you. He has an 8-year-old brother who is not understanding any of this. I feel like I am reading our story, all over again. I need you to take care of him, Ronan. All his mama wants is for him to go peacefully now. Please don’t let him suffer. Please let him fall asleep, the way you did. Please everyone, keep Teddy boy in your thoughts, prayers or whatever else  you do. If you want to follow his story, you can do so here. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/teddybergergreer/journal

I’m so sorry. I don’t have much more to say tonight. I’m just so very sad for this family and this little boy. I’m going to go now my little spicy monkey. I need to try to get some rest so I don’t wind up back in the hospital. Your daddy is bringing me a smoothie home. I hope I can keep that down. So far, this anti nausea medicine seems to be helping. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

P.S. My ass, really, really hurts. Like really. That nurse stuck me today like I’ve never been stuck before! I think I even yelped.

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37 Comments

  1. Kaiti B

     /  December 6, 2012

    Mama Maya.
    Everything about this blog post is a perfect summary of WHY you are my hero. I love you so much.
    Thank you for saying that everything does NOT happen for a reason because I am right there with you on that.
    PS – I’m sorry your ass hurts. But that made me laugh.
    I love you.

    Reply
  2. Rita Dickinson

     /  December 6, 2012

    Take good care of yourself and Poppy. Holding you and Teddy in the light.

    Reply
  3. Oh Maya – again I have no words. The pain you are feeling – I can only imagine in my nightmares. I wish a billion times that Ronan was here with you and this was all a bad dream. I hope the medicine does help, that you got to enjoy that smoothie only once, and that your bum feels better soon. Wishing you a peaceful nights rest.

    Reply
  4. Kristine Hall

     /  December 6, 2012

    Maya–you are the most wonderful warped person I know. I laughed so hard when I read that the shot hurt like a mother fucker…and inside I’m thinking I’m not supposed to laugh. This new normal for you is like “Wonderland” where nothing is as it should be. Children shouldn’t be dying of fucking cancer and a young father dying of lung cancer who didn’t smoke? It’s warped, and through it all you are trying to navigate and for this I am in awe of your strength, and determination…not to mention your wit and sarcasm. Will it get easier..who knows, but you aren’t going to give up its not who you are. Please take care of yourself… I hate to say it, but your journey is a long road and at times a very lonely road but along the way it will have many beautiful moments that you’re going to want to stop and be thankful that you didn’t give up…hugs always to you, Woody, the twins, and lil PopRocks!!

    Reply
  5. Greg B

     /  December 6, 2012

    It’s got to be torturous that a part of ourselves but mostly others keeps asking when it’s going to get better. I don’t think it does with the death of a child and if it does we feel guilty. Have you ever thought of selling the house? I just don’t see any upside to it, yes memories of Ronan are there but at what cost? There is nothing admirable in being fuckin’ miserable for the rest of your life.

    Reply
  6. I find myself thinking of Ronan & you and your family and it brings tears to my eyes. I just watched “Thetruth365 video:be the voice of the children( by watching and sharing the video)”, and it had a pic of Ronan in it…the one you have as your blog header. I watched it and shared it. SIgned the petition, too. It makes me sick to see how many children have cancer and how many have passed from it. Even the ones who survive, many of them have long term problems or get another form of cancer from all the shitty treatments. The one Dr. in the film said it perfectly, “cut poison burn…that’s all they do.” I am so sorry you are hurting. I am so sorry anyone has to go through this :( You are amazing and strong. I admire you for your strength, for getting Ronan’s story out there and for do all you can for these kids. You deserve a breakdown…more than a few, too. Let yourself cry, b/c what else is a mom who lost a child supposed to do? I dont think I could ever stop crying…I dont think I could even go on anymore. It is a parents worst fear and nightmare to lose a child. (atleast it is mine). And apparently many people still think, not many kids get cancer (according to that film). but that is so wrong and it is disgusting that only 4% of the funding goes towards childhood cancer research! I have never met you. Doubtful I ever will. But you truely are my hero. You inspire me to love my children more and overlook the small petty things. Thank you for that and everything else you’ve done! Chin up…it may not get ‘better’ but it does move forward…sometimes that suck ass too!!!

    Reply
  7. Tuesday night I had an out-of-the-blue dream that I was babysitting for you and Woody… the dream was completely insane, but also a really happy one! Everybody was at the beach, including little man Ronan.

    You seem like a fucking fabulous human being, Maya Thompson, even at your weakest. Your family is in my thoughts daily. Sending good vibes (and prayers, if that’s okay).

    -Keely from DC

    Reply
  8. Maya,

    Some people are incredibly thick and have no clue that the heart is capable of loving many people. None of our “loves” throughout our lives are ever the same and one cannot replace another. Of course Poppy will not replace Ronan… and she isn’t meant to be a replacement. She is another living, breathing embodiment of the love that you and Woody share and will have her own special place in your heart.

    Losing a child is not something that will ever go away, and the ache will come at the most unexpected times. So if people think that there is a time limit to how long a parent mourns for their child, they should count themselves fortunate that they haven’t felt the despair and longing and emptiness that takes up permanent residence in your head.

    Everyone deals with the pain of loss differently. It doesn’t mean that if you aren’t constantly thinking about your child that you are a bad parent… avoidance or burying emotions deep inside is another coping mechanism. But those believe that there is this two week mourning period also shouldn’t ostracize or shun those that don’t follow that convention.

    Sorry, this is getting dark when I really just wanted to say that there are many people out there that unfortunately can relate to some of how you are feeling. You are a strength to many, and you and Ronan continue to touch so many people.

    My hopes also go out to Teddy’s parents that their wish that he will pass painlessly and peacefully are granted. They have been dealt a crappy hand and what a fucked up world we live in where a parent has to be torn between never wanting to stop fighting for their child’s survival, and simply just not wanting them to be in pain anymore, even though that means that they tell their baby that it is time to stop fighting and to let go.

    Reply
  9. Juanita

     /  December 6, 2012

    I just left Teddys page. Not knowing what to say. All I wish for him and his family is peace. I wish peace for you as well ;(

    Reply
  10. Becky C

     /  December 6, 2012

    Maya, I’m so sorry. Reading your post is hard enough, I can’t imagine how you feel. No parent should ever have to lose a child. Ever. If I had a magic wish, I would wish for Ronan to be with you again. Healthy, happy and home. I can feel how much you are hurting just through your words. You’re right, no one should ever have to feel this way. I’m praying for you, for Ronan and for Teddy. Take care of yourself and Poppy.

    Reply
  11. Amy

     /  December 6, 2012

    This was a post I just had to comment on. Tears rolling down my face reading what Dr. Adams whispered in your ear, and then giggling as I read about your ass hurting. I’ve had one of those shots and it hurt like a bitch! My ass was sore for a week! I hope the pain in your ass can take away just an ounce of the ache in your heart.

    p.s. You’re fucking amazing. The end.

    Reply
  12. My daughter loves Taylor Swift. After hearing Ronan’s song she goggled it and watched everything and read all your blogs. She told me she had to pick a blog to follow and write a report on in school. She picked yours… I had no idea what she was doing and why she would break down and cry… I read your blog. From the beginning. I have been blogging about my son for the last 10 years but on a private one for friends and family only. I had been planning to change it over and finally made the move. It’s a way for all his teachers, doctors etc to stay in touch. Saves me time from repeating myself every day… Slowly I have been transferring the old ones from my private blogs over to my new one… but of course I have to take some things out… larger audience… but I have today the blogging is an outlet. I just know that losing a child is horrible… losing a child to such awful painful cancer is horid. But it’s also very difficult watching them lose ground when they have special needs. It’s like a slow torture… It is very unfair. These sweet innocent little people, so darling, so precious having to suffer awful things. My son having to lose his eyes… I dread the surgery to remove them completely and get prosthetic ones. I did throw up. I understand why you do. It’s your baby you carried around for 9 months. You devote endless time and hours and sleep time and you do this to help them become an adult… you lose them or parts of them and it’s horrid. Ronan would want you to take care of your Poppy… I hope you get your rest dear. This is so unfair.
    That shot… hmmm…maybe it reminded you of all the shots he had to have? Made it more painful? OH! Yeah! I had horrible morning sickness with my daughter the whole 9 months. Doc said it was all the extra hormones. Then with my two boys only a couple of weeks at the most… Maybe you are also sicker because it’s a girl… :-)
    Heather
    ps:my daughter got an “A”

    Reply
  13. Jennifer Tyler

     /  December 6, 2012

    Hope you & Poppy girl are both ok! Those shots fucking suck ass!! And hurt like a bitch! So you have my simpathy!!

    Reply
  14. Jennifer Tyler

     /  December 6, 2012

    Guess the shot gives new meaning to “Taking it in the ass!” LOL!

    Reply
  15. beckee

     /  December 6, 2012

    Maya, Thank you so much for your candid thoughts. I have been reading your blog for a while now. I think I keep reading because you are a very real person. You struggle, you don’t sugar-coat things, and you keep right on opening your heart and loving people. I agree with what the doctor said. I am sure Ronan had a part in Poppy, and I bet he knows how badly your family needs her. For now, here is a *HUG* from a stranger, but I hope it helps.

    Reply
  16. The best thing about you, Maya, is that you still have your sense of humour. And that through all the adversity you have faced and will face, you fight your way through and you make a fucking difference in this sad, sorry world.
    Take care of yourself and your coconut sized Poppy (CoPoRo) xo

    Reply
  17. Emma

     /  December 6, 2012

    Dear maya,
    I feel for you so much, I don’t even know what to say. How you are able to get out of bed let alone throw yourself into the Ronan foundation is truly inspirational. I have never been through anything like this or known anyone who has; yet I am so drawn to you.
    I think of you and Ronan daily, even numerous times daily. It is completely and utterly unfair and makes no sense whatsoever. It saddens me so much that I am not sure if I can continue to read your posts. But at the same time, I will never forget Ronan’s story so I would like to know how his beautiful family and his foundation are going. For the moment I will continue to read…but I don’t know for how much longer.
    I live in adelaide, Australia..so your message is reaching far. I have 2 happy, healthy little girls whom I cherish that little bit more because of you; so thank you maya. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.
    All the best, Emma (Australia)

    Reply
  18. Paige

     /  December 6, 2012

    I need to tell you something please read this! I have two things I say.. First off its the good news:

    They found two genes linked to neuroblastoma. It’s not a cure, but if they can find those genes early… This is great, they are helping people like Ro.

    The second is not happy news. Being sad will make Poppie have problems, it’s not a guarantee thing, it just makes it more probable. You’ll see your boy when the time comes.

    Reply
  19. Melissa V

     /  December 6, 2012

    I have no words for you and only leave a comment so that you know I am here reading–you will always be in my heart. Love to you sweet sweet Mama. Wish cancer would just go straight to hell and your Christmas wish would come true.

    Reply
  20. angela

     /  December 6, 2012

    I have been reading your blog ever since I heard the Taylor Swift song. That’s such an amazing song. Ronnans story has been so touching. I never realized how little goes to help.childhood cancer. This blog is especially touching. I just lost my husband in Oct I am only 28 and have 2 little girls one of them only 7 wks old when he passed. I don’t know what to do with myself I am so lost. I can relate to the feeling you get when ppl say everything happens for a reason. What is the reason that my kids have to be away from thier daddy and me from my soulmate? You are so inspiring. I know ppl I know are there for me but don’t relate to the pain and emptiness I feel. Thank you for all your posts!

    Reply
  21. I still think everything happens for a reason. I know it’s sounds like the hell wrong but what if you and your ex dentist wife need to be strong in the future and now you are learning how to be strong.

    Reply
    • I’m sorry…I’m pretty sure Maya would’ve been stronger had she not lost Ronan. They would be an even bigger force to be reckoned with if he was still here. To make someone stronger is a pretty shitty reason for a child to be murdered by cancer.

      Reply
    • Stacy D

       /  December 7, 2012

      Concluding that in order to ‘become strong’ one needs to be forced to watch their child endure the unendurable, hoping against hope that he beats the odds only to have him snatched away and then having to go on without him – really? That’s what you have to do to ‘become strong’? Please. Give me a fucking break.

      Reply
  22. Glenda

     /  December 6, 2012

    Romama,

    Hope you feel better soon.
    Thinking of you, Rockstar Ronan & Poppy
    XO

    Always rolove
    #fucancer

    Sorry your ass hurts :)
    Wish the meds work and you dream with your spicy monkey!

    Reply
  23. Rebecca Lookingbill

     /  December 7, 2012

    Maya,
    Im glad to know you and Poppy are okay. Im so sorry your are going through this terrible time.And Dr Adams is right. Poppy nor anyone will ever replace Ronan. Of course you already know that though Oh and I know about shots in the ass. The hurt like a mother fucker! Hope your bum feels better soon Oh and I did venture over to Teddys page. Im so sorry Another baby shouldnt be dying due to this fuckwad cancer

    Reply
  24. Alessandra

     /  December 7, 2012

    Maya,
    Just heard that song yesterday and couldn’t help think of Ronan…
    I didn’t know him, but I love him so much!

    Praying for you to get better!

    Reply
  25. jamie justice

     /  December 7, 2012

    Life does not make sense and all the hurt and pain we hear, see and feel. Non worse than loosing a child I would imagine. I hurt and understand how you feel, I pray for you all the time! . My wish & prayer for you is that God could some way let you know I read your post where you say to Ronan I hope you are safe! I wish you knew & could believe Ronan is with Jesus in the perfect place so you would at least have that peace of knowing he was happy, perfect & healthy! I pray for all the innocent children everywhere that suffer! It truely breaks my heart and overwhelms me. I am a stranger living in Georgia who cares for you & your sweet family! I saw you on Katy’s show! I heard Taylor’s song that is how I heard yuor story for the 1st time! Thank you Taylor! Congrats on your baby girl! I hope you feel my prayers for you and your sweet boys! You are amazing and know my heart cries with your heart on your lose of your beautiful blue eyed angel Ronan! You are doing so much the awarness of this child murderer they call Cancer! I hate the f**k word but I am now in agreemnet when it is used before the word cancer! I saw a man wearing the F**K Cancer shirt I ask him if it was for Ronan. Please know this won’t bring your boy back to you but there are people you will probally never meet in this life praying for you! I have one son & daughter they both have two boys each! I know our kids are pretty much our life and what we live for! I am so sorry I wish this was a nightmare for you and you could wake up! I hope you get to feel better soon and try to enjoy the Christmas with Liam & Quinn and your husband and lil poppy! Please know I am praying you up for your heart’s joy somehow get it back! Lots of love for you momma to momma, girl! Here’s a BIG hug XO Date: Fri, 7 Dec 2012 02:17:20 +0000 To: jamiebjustice@hotmail.com

    Reply
  26. dru conkle

     /  December 7, 2012

    Maya, I think about you and Ronan everyday. My son and Ronan were born days within eachother (5/14/07), so I think that makes Ronan touch my heart even more, everytime I look at my son I think about Ronan. Just simply doing homework with him lastnight, I thought abou Ronan. I am trying so hard to find out how to spread the word about childhood cancer, anyone I have told of how little goes to childhood cancer is so amazed! I am just a mother of 2 boys with a big heart, I really really want to start something here where I live in FL. but I am not too much of a creative mind, although that is not stopping me :) You are so brilliant with your words and I hope you can have a day soon with no tears. I would love to speak to you sometime, maybe you can help me figure out what I can do here in my area and how to make sure those funds make it to The Ronan Thompson Foundation. I spoke to my sons kindergarten teacher yesterday hoping to get something started through the schools, kids helping kids :)
    772-321-6607 dru_conkle@yahoo.com – with much love and I hope you have a good day today!

    Reply
  27. maya, i am sorry you are hurting so badly.

    Reply
  28. shamrock09

     /  December 7, 2012

    Tiny Dancer a song for Lilly Mae

    Maya,

    Again so sad you are feeling so lost and alone. Of course you miss him you must be so frustrated… NOT – FAIR!!!

    Writing to you from Ireland… The song i have included is a song in Ireland that has been released for a little 4 year old baby princess called Lilly Mae who has stage 4 neuroblastoma.. The song is aimed at raising funds and awareness and to help Lilly Mae with her treatment. It has been preformed by some of irelands high profile artists and elton john has given permission for the song to be used, suits her perfectly because she wants to be a ballerina like her mama when she grows up.. I’m praying we will get the awareness soon that is needed, Irish people are all following her story.

    NEUROBLASTOMA – WATCH YOUR FREAKIN BACK!!!!!!!! We are loosing to many cherished children…

    xxxxx

    Reply
  29. Daniella

     /  December 7, 2012

    There is this Dave Matthews song about being connected to his sister.

    Sister, I hear you laugh
    My heart fills full up
    Sister, when you cry
    I feel your tears running down my face

    I have been reading your blog for so long and that is exactly how I feel. I can feel your tears on my face, and I feel so full of love when you are having a good day. I know there is nothing I can say. It’s so fucked up that Ronan died. I’m so so sorry. And I’m so sorry you are having such a rough time. Hormones and greif are quite the combo. All I can say is we are here, your readers are here for the good, the bad and the ugly.

    Sending you thoughts of love, calm, self-forgiveness – and SLEEP.

    WA is ready for you.

    Reply
  30. Rachel

     /  December 7, 2012

    Maya,
    I am a college student in PA and I read your blog religiously thanks to Taylor Swift’s genuine heart. I just thought you should know that Ronan’s legacy fuels my days. Not a day goes by that I don’t study harder or live happier because Ronan and so many others will never get the chance to. I realize how much of a blessing this life is thanks to you and the greatest love story ever told. Since reading your blog, I have a very hard time feeling bad for others who go through simple every day struggles and think that their life is so tough. My roommate will get a cold and act like it’s her identity, like it’s what defines her and that everyone should feel bad for her because she’s sick. I just want to scream to her “IT’S A COLD. BE THANKFUL THAT ALL YOU HAVE IS A COLD AND NOT SOMETHING SERIOUS LIKE CANCER. BE THANKFUL THAT ALL OF THE MOST PRECIOUS PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE ARE ALIVE AND HEALTHY. BE THANKFUL FOR THAT COLD BECAUSE IT MEANS THAT YOU ARE ALIVE.” I don’t have the heart to say something like that to her because she really is a sweet girl.

    Every time that I read your blog posts the biggest pit for you forms in my stomach. I always end the post in tears full of disgust for the medical field. Why haven’t they figured this out? Why haven’t they made this better? WHERE IS THE FUNDING? Children should be the #1 priority. End of story, no questions asked. After all, children are the sole future of our country.

    I want to say thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for making me realize the most precious things in life are not things. Thank you for pulling me away from all of the materialistic bullshit that all used to seem so important to me. Thank you for making me appreciate every single second of this life. I am so excited for the birth of Poppy. I am so excited for you to have some sort of happiness back in your life. Whatever form of happiness that may be.

    I believe in you Maya. You will change this and you will make this better because the love of a mother is the strongest form of love in this whole wide world. And nothing is stronger than love.
    “Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people from love. It can’t take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death.”
    Norman Cousins Quotes

    Reply
  31. Anne

     /  December 7, 2012

    Hi Maya,
    You don’t know me. I have been reading your blog for a while, but I have never written to you. I’ve thought about doing so a lot, but never knew if I could find the right words. I don’t know that I have them now, but I’m writing anyway, so bear with me.

    I was first told about your blog around Mother’s Day 2012. The person who linked to you had mentioned that you had a son who died, so I knew that going in. I started at the beginning, reading your posts at every available moment. My eyes were red every day and people kept asking me what was wrong and I would just tell them to read it for themselves. I found ways to convince myself that the person who posted had made a mistake; that this asshole cancer had gone away and Ronan was still right where he belonged. Your love and your passion had me willing everything to be OK even though in the back of my mind I knew what happened. I’m so sorry that it wasn’t different.

    You and Ronan and your family have been on my mind almost constantly since then. I check your blog every day looking for an update. It was really hard to read for a while; but I know that it is infinitely harder to be living this story. I had a particularly hard time reading when you were signing your posts to Ronan. “I love you. I miss you. I’m so sorry I didn’t fix you.” I just wanted to take that guilt away. There’s no reason a mama who fought with everything she had should be feeling like she failed. The medical world failed and is still failing, not you. I kept reading though, and I realized something. Everything you were feeling and writing was coming from one place — love for Ronan. In your anger I saw your love for him, in your sadness I saw your love for him, even in your suicidal thoughts I saw your love for him. There were people commenting for a while who didn’t get this. The people close to you did. And I wanted to let you know that a person you’ve never met and likely never will got it, too.

    Someone once posted to you that she believed heaven is in the hearts of people who loved you. She said that you were carrying Ronan’s spirit with you. I agree. I know that what happened to him is your greatest source of sadness, but he is also your greatest source of happiness (in that infinite way that a mother has of loving each of her children completely without that love ever running out). In this way, no matter what you’re feeling your love for Ronan stands out stronger than anything else because he is with you. Never worry that when you have a moment of happiness that any sane person thinks you miss your son less and are “all better” now. He is right there in everything you do and think and feel. And again, that’s coming from someone who has never met you, but can still see through your words the constant presence of Ronan.

    In conclusion, this world is fucked up and unfair. You had a fucked up and unfair thing happen to you. But instead of joining in the fucked-upness or giving up, you are fighting to make things better. Thank you for that. I hope that you are feeling better soon. That Poppy baby will have the three best big brothers anyone could ask for.

    Reply
  32. Sheila

     /  December 7, 2012

    Oh Maya…I bet if I were to say I am so sorry…well you would want to hit me, sh*t, I would want to hit me. I guess for us outsiders, “I’m sorry” is all we have. My heart tells me to go find you and hug you (I am not a freaky stalker) so won’t do that…lol I just do not get WHY this keeps happening either. I have never had a child with cancer, yet I want to fight just as hard as if I have,unfortunately NOT everyone feels that way. I think I have lost tons of FB friends (what ever you want to call the collection of people who only want to pretend life is PERFECT). Yesterday, I posted the 365 video on my page , in hopes it would spread like wild fire, as the KONY project did and they had hoped for, well NOT the case, MANY , MANY people not only ignored it, but also noticed more people gone off my page. I wish this was just a nightmare that would end for you as well as many families, i wish I won that POWERBALL last week and would have donated the majority of the funds for re-search, why didn’t the people who won do that?GRRRR My hope for you is to get through today, and then work on tomorrow and so on. Your sweet lil Poppy will take so much of your energy when she is here, that I hope your pain softens some. You are such a courageous soul and I believe through you and Ronan…SOMEDAY, we will have a way to stop this MONSTER from hurting any more of our babies/children!

    Reply
  33. You know Maya,I think people just think it can not happen to their children ,so they just ignore the fact and till they wake up it’s up to caring folks like you to make people realize that yes this can happen to everyone..and they (everyone ) needs to step up to the plate and help…hugs to you <3

    Reply
  34. Lauren

     /  December 8, 2012

    Dear Maya,

    I never thought that it was possible to grieve for someone you’ve never met. But I can truly and honestly tell you that I grieve for Ronan as if he were a member of my own family. Each day I think of him, at least once, and all that he stands for. I want to thank you for sharing his story. Because before him I never knew. I didn’t know how many innocent babies this fucking (excuse my language) disgusting disease is murdering. I didn’t know that they are being given drugs that are doing almost as much damage (if not more) to their tiny bodies as the goddamn motherfucking cancer. I just didn’t know. And now I wonder, how does everybody not know? How is it that finding a cure, and creating safer drugs specifically for these children is not the NUMBER ONE priority in this country’s medical industry?! It kills me to think of that every day, but I find solace in the fact that the Ronan Thompson Foundation (and it’s leader) is working each and every day to help find a cure.

    I don’t know how people say things like, “God only gives you what you’re strong enough to handle”, or “Everything happens for a reason,” to you. Because that’s absolute bullshit. There is absolutely no reason for this. There can’t be. Ronan’s time wasn’t up. ALMOST 4 years? That’s nothing. I’ve already lived 18 of them, and I still feel like I’ve had no time at all. But what I do know, from everything you’ve shared, is that the beautiful boy with the bluest eyes ever did more in his almost 4 years than most people do in a lifetime. That means something.

    So basically, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your pain. And specifically, for being real. You tell us the truth, and you never sugar coat your feelings when it comes to that fucking son of a bitch called cancer. You’ve shown us all what is really happening to these children, and by letting us fall in love with Ro you have made it personal for every one of us. You’re making a difference. I just wanted to make sure you heard that tonight.
    Because of you, everyone knows your baby’s name. Thanks.

    -Lauren

    P.S. Keeping Rockstar Ronan, Super Ty, Teddy, Ava, and all the others in my prayers, tonight and every night. I bet they’re having some heck of a crazy party up there.

    Reply
  35. Jessica Lemond

     /  December 8, 2012

    :'(

    Reply

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