Our song for the night. It reminds me so much of us. I miss you.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xS4EKh66rXA&feature=fvst

The Death of a Domestic Goddess

tumblr_medw43k3Ar1qzdeblo1_500Ronan. I don’t sleep well. I know this is not healthy, not good for me or Poppy, but every single night this is how it goes. I fall asleep easily enough for a few hours. Then like clockwork, I am wide awake and cannot fall back asleep. How do you sleep peacefully when you have a dead child? Does anyone? Your daddy seems to. Maybe it’s because I’m your mama, that I don’t. Because my primal maternal instinct just takes over. I feel like a caged animal, searching for you. I wonder if this is how animals at a zoo feel that have been separated from their young. I’ll bet it is pretty similar.

Today, I did a lot of normal things that I don’t really enjoy anymore. Much of them consisted of being domestic. I have a hard time with that in this new life of mine. I did the whole Costco trip which I never do anymore because it give me so much anxiety. Today, I did it with a friend, so it wasn’t so bad. I came home, unloaded groceries, got dinner ready for tonight and finished up all the laundry that needed to be done. The laundry that I used to love to do, but now I loath, due to not getting to wash all of your clothes, too. I picked up your brothers from school. We came home, I made them a snack, we did their homework, etc… I was feeling pretty beat down/tired like I seem to be feeling a lot these days. Grief and pregnancy are not my cup of tea. I had a hard time being pregnant back in my life before knowing what it was like to have a dead child as well as being pregnant, too. Being pregnant with this Poppy girl just seems to make my pain for missing you, much more intense. I am officially a little over halfway in this pregnancy. I wish I could say I felt great, but I don’t. I feel miserable. Tonight, as I was taking a bath I thought to myself, “I wonder if I’ll survive being pregnant. I think I might die, from hurting so much.” I had a flash of death, like I often do. But then I thought of your brothers of course and that always seems to put me back on track. I know one thing, for sure. I cannot do this again. I cannot have another child, after this. It has all been too painful, and too much. I just need these next 4 months to fly by fast, please. I know I will be alright once Poppy is here, safe and sound. I cannot wait to have a little insomnia buddy to hang out with me;)

I think a lot of my problem is my mind is constantly wound up. I have such a huge to do list in front of me, that my mind is constantly thinking of things to do or that need to be done. The Neuroblastoma Center being at the top of it. Barb from NPR asked me if I thought this center was a reality. I told her without a doubt, it is. She asked me how I was going to get it done. My reply to her was, “I’m not exactly sure. All I know is I have someone very powerful behind me on this, that being Ronan, and I’m just going to follow his lead.” As long as I trust in you, I know this dream will become a reality. Do you know how much I believe in your foundation and what we are doing, Ronan? So much so, that when I was working through the details of where the money was going to go from the song Taylor wrote for you, I made the choice to have everything that came our way from iTunes, go to your foundation. I know I could have used it for our family, for your brothers’ college savings account or Poppy’s new room… but I didn’t. Because I believe that helping to save these kids’ lives, by giving them the best chance possible, is the most important thing in the world. Everything else can wait. These kids cannot and I will not stop trying to fix this world, until it gets drastically better. I know this center will do this. I know what needs to be done, to make these lives a little better for these kids so they don’t feel like they are just another number, the way we often did. I know this is going to take time. I am trying to be as patient as I can. I realize I am dealing with a lot, on top of trying to get this center figured out. Sometimes, I’m not sure how I am doing everything I am doing. But then I remember, I am living without you every single day. There is nothing harder than that.

We are going to see your Nana and Papa for Christmas. That cannot come soon enough. It has been unseasonably hot here and it’s starting to make me really hostile. I need a break from the sun. I need to get to Washington, where I feel like I can actually breathe for a change. I need the rain, the gloom, and the fresh air. I need the safe house I grew up in, with the best parents ever. I need to watch the way your brothers are so happy in the presence of your Nana and Papa and vise versa. I need the love that fills that house and where I feel the most loved. I am counting down the days, already. I know we all are.

I am going to try to go back to sleep now. I have much to do tomorrow and not getting enough sleep is not going to help me to be productive. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

2 weeks is absurd. Guess I should have been checked into the looney bin, long ago.

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This is from my Dr. Jo. How absolutely cruel. What is wrong with these so called, “doctors?” I wonder if any of them, have ever lost a child. Medication is NOT the answer to any of this. There is no pill for grief.

 

http://drjoanne.blogspot.com/2012/12/the-death-of-sadness-birth-of-mental.html

  • Instagram is my BFF

    #Repost from @ronanfoundation If you've been tagged, you're it!!! It’s time to… ‪#‎BeBoldGoGold‬! Get your glitter on! We’re kicking off Childhood Cancer Awareness Month with a bang & a sparkle! Throughout September, we’re turning ourselves into spicy, gold human billboards for childhood cancer awareness and want YOU to join us! Welcome to the #BeBoldGoGold Challenge! 
HOW IT WORKS:
You deck yourself out in your gold bling or glitter—jewelry, clothes, facepaint, you name it, you rock it. You head out into a public place. Talk to at least one person about childhood cancer—tell them a fact, like that 46 are diagnosed with cancer every day. The goal is to raise awareness, so talk to as many people as you can & encourage them to take the #BeBoldGoGold Challenge

Film/photograph your adventure, and tag us in it! We’re reposting submissions to our new #BeBoldGoGold Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. When you post your video/photo, nominate 3 people to carry out the challenge by tagging them. They have 48 hours after being tagged to get their gold on! Make sure to hashtag #BeBoldGoGold and ‪#‎RTF‬

At the end of September, we’re giving a prize to whoever goes all out and makes the biggest impact (aka raises the most awareness)! We’ll also have #BeBoldGoGold shirts available to purchase (link coming soon). If you would prefer to donate instead of (or in addition to) the challenge, visit: http://www.theronanthompsonfoundation.com/ & share the link. 
The Challenge starts…NOW! #Repost from @firedaughterclothing
It's almost September! Childhood Cancer Awareness Month- this is my I think 4th year working with my absolutely amazing girlfriend @mamamaya to raise awareness for Childhood Cancer, which brutally stole her son Ronan.  I was introduced to Maya when my close girlfriend Sandra's daughter was also fighting for her life, alongside Ronan.  Mia beat her cancer but has severe radiation injury.  This horrible horrible thing brought us all together and we are determined to make a difference for all of our babies.  Keep an eye out over the next week or so.  It's time to Go Gold 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 "And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate...I shake it off, I shake it off." #pearl #gettingreadyfortimessquare #nycorbust #nycgoesgold #beboldgogold #rtf #shakeitoff @taylorswift @knjoy
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