Ending 2012 with tears on my pillow and you in my heart

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Ronan. This is what I get after 11 years of marriage. Him. He still opens my car door. He brings me my towel before I get out of the shower to make sure I stay warm. Kisses me goodnight, every night. Tells me he loves me 10 times a day. Never lets go of my hand. Respects my wishes when I ask him to let go. A husband that fights for me, believes in me, pushes me, challenges me, makes me laugh, puts up with my insanity, tries his hardest to fix my broken heart, wipes away my tears, and reminds me every single day that I am the strongest, most beautiful person on the planet. He takes care of your brothers, when I am too sad to do so. He does this without complaining or making me feel more guilty, than I already do. Everything he does is for us. He holds me up when I cannot stand, lets me fall when I need to, but is always there to help me up when I am ready. I am the luckiest girl on the planet to be married to your daddy. I know people say marriage is hard, but I never really felt this way until the death of you. I don’t even think it was even marriage that became hard, but it was more that everything became hard. Everything becomes hard when you just want to curl up and die. I know what the death of a child does to a marriage and I know how many marriages, don’t survive. I am thankful everyday that this is the one thing that I have never had to worry about. I know myself and I know your daddy. Cancer may have taken you away from us but it cannot have our marriage, too. That is something we both decided very early on into this whole thing. I am so thankful that we are a strong enough couple to come through this together and not apart. I am so very thankful for your daddy for not giving up on me when I gave up on everything in my life, including myself.

Last year, was an awful anniversary. I remember laying in bed, pushing away the gifts your daddy gave me as the tears poured down my cheeks. I made him return all the things he had bought for me. I remember barley being able to hold my head up and begging for death to take me away. This year was a little better. Your daddy and I went to Portland for the night. We stayed at a hotel and only had a few minutes of tears while I sat in a chair and stared at your daddy from across the room. He told me how sorry he was for the how awful the past 3 years had been. As if any of this has been his fault. I didn’t say anything. I just grabbed my coat instead, wiped away my tears, and we headed out the door to do a little shopping and grab some dinner. I made it through dinner, without crying. We sat and talked a lot about Poppy. We both tried our hardest to make it an o.k. night. It felt alright to be out, together, pretending to be the normal couple that we are not and never will be again. Sometimes it takes pretending at a dinner for your 11 years anniversary, with smiles instead of tears. I can pretend smile when I need to. It’s was the least I could do for your daddy on our one night of the year, that is just for us. 11 years later and we are still standing where most people would not be. I am so very proud of us, our marriage and the foundation we have. I cannot imagine how upset you would be if we would have let cancer take away not just you, but everything that we have worked so hard for, our family included. I promise you that will not happen, Ronan. I won’t make you any more sad than you already are. I know you are sad enough, not being with us. I know this no matter what the others in the world would say. I don’t care who is looking after you. It will never be good enough as having you here with us, where you belong.

Do you know what the theme of this trip has been? I have heard it no less than a dozen times. “Today would be perfect, if only Ronan were here.” This will be true about every beautiful experience we have in this life without you. Perfection will never exist again in our days, but we will come close. We have been doing a lot of fun things, as a family which is still so hard for me. Yesterday, we headed down to Long Beach to go Clam Digging. It was a great late afternoon spent together but I often find myself getting lost in my thoughts of, “If Ronan were here, he would be doing this or that, or he would have made me take him to the car already because I’m sure the first thing he would have done was run right into the ocean only to get soaking wet.” And I would have happily carried you all the way up to the truck, pregnant or not, to clean you up, warm you up and smother you with the million kisses that I used to love to give you. I miss having you to kiss so very much and I still will never understand why you had to be taken away.

As this year comes to an end I can say for as hard as it was, it has been beautiful in many ways as well. Somehow I find the strength to go on in this life. I have found strength in myself that I didn’t even know existed. I have a wonderful husband and your brothers, Ronan, make me so very proud each and every day. The friends I have are the most beautiful souls that exist and I am so very grateful to have them in my life. They have seen me through the darkest of the dark and although some have went away, the one’s who have stayed have proved that they are never going anywhere, ever. I feel very lucky and blessed in that regard. Your foundation has given me a purpose in meaning in my life that I didn’t think I would ever have again. On the days that I am hardest on myself, all I have to do is take a look at all the amazing things we have accomplished and I am reminded that the proof is in the pudding. We have done some really amazing, great things in such a short amount of time and it is always fueled by the love that exists in this world, because of you. Of course I have to say one of the most amazing things about 2012 was the generous heart of Taylor Swift. She has helped me move so many mountains in a way that I could have never imagined. She has restored my faith in so many things by the beautiful gift she has given us. One that will live on for eternity, just like the love between the two of us. I will forever be humbled and grateful for this sweet girl who fell in love with you and who has now taken on this world of childhood cancer with me. I cannot wait to see what 2013 brings. Of course my wish is for a cure, for babies to stop dying, and for childhood cancer to finally get the funding and awareness that it so desperately needs. I have a lot of work ahead of me but from everything that was accomplished in 2012, I know even more amazing things are going to come this next year. As always, I am thankful for all of you, who continue to read this blog, support this cause, and live each and every day knowing that there is more to life then the life we sometimes settle for. I am thankful for all of you who are able to see outside the box and outside of yourselves and who are not scared to take on something that is uncomfortable and scary, because you know this cause and these kids, deserve better. Thank you all so much for being a part of this war with me. Hopefully one day, it will be one with better outcomes or it will no longer even exist.

Last but not least, I am so excited for 2013 because it will be the year that your Poppy sister is born. She is going to bring such joy to our lives that we so very much need. Please continue to keep her safe, Ronan, but most of all please keep her healthy. I know you hear me at night when I do my little chant to you. I say it over and over in my head to you while I am trying to sleep. “Please don’t let her die, please don’t let her die, please don’t let her die…” It might be morbid but it’s the only way my brain works now. Please Ronan. Take good care of her. We could not handle anything else awful thrown our way. We have barley survived losing you.

I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I am so sorry you are not here with us. I know I am going to fall asleep with tears on my pillow, but you in my heart as I always do. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

P.S. To all of you lovely little blog readers. Happiest New Year to you and your loved ones. I wish you nothing but blessings and health for not only 2013, but always. I love you all, so very much.

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I know what I want to name her…

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Ronan. Ireland Ronan Poppy Thompson is what I want to name your sister. I know I told you I’ve been having a hard time getting super attached to this pregnancy and I know the only reason for that is because of the fear that comes along with it. Not because I love her any less than I love you and your brothers. It’s the fear of death that now comes along with this pregnancy. I’ve never had this fear before, until losing you. Now I worry about it all the time. If I don’t feel your sister kick for a while, I’ll think to myself, “Oh my god, she died.” Good thing I didn’t get too attached, right? Wrong. I am not fooling anyone with this whole trying to protect myself thing. I have been attached since I found out at 5 weeks that she was the size of a Poppy seed. I already have a plan for when I am having her, and I will be induced before 40 weeks because I of course have to get her out before she dies of stillbirth, right? I was induced with Liam and Quinn at 36 1/2 weeks. I had you at 37 1/2 weeks. I know Dr. Schwartz is alright with the plans I am scheming up in my head.

Now that I am feeling your sister kick all of the time and I can feel how strong she is, I am starting to come around. It’s taken me a while, but I can finally decide on a name. Your daddy and I have had the name Ireland picked out since before Liam and Quinn were born. I have always loved it. I think it is so strong, unique, and beautiful. I have to have Poppy in there as well. I cannot give that name up for anything. It has come to mean too much to me and just saying it out loud, makes me smile. We will call her, “Poppy,” even though her first name is Ireland. And eventually, when she is old enough to decide, she can take it upon herself to figure out what she wants to be called in life, but to me, she will always be Poppy. That name will forever remind me that something could make me smile, through my darkest hours, even before your sweet little sister, set foot on this earth. That name will forever remind me of the happiness I can feel again, just by saying the name out loud. What I love even more is hearing other people referring to her, as Poppy.

“How is Poppy today?”

“Is Poppy kicking?”

“Who do you think Poppy will look like?”

Everybody is calling her by this name and I love it so very much. It makes me smile and feel a bit of happiness again. I am so very thankful for your little sister already. I know she is going to help us all so very much. She will bring us back some of the sunshine in our lives that we are all missing so very badly.

Today, we hopped in Papa Jim’s truck and headed up to the Mount St. Helens area to go sledding and play in the snow. This state never fails to leave me breathless. I still think it is one of the most beautiful places on the planet. We found a ton of snow and I watched and snapped pictures as your daddy, your brothers, and Papa Jim spent a couple of hours hiking up a hill to fly back down it on their sleds. I listened to their laughs and soaked up their happiness as much as I could. You would have loved today. If you would have been with us, it would have been absolutely perfect in every way. I took it easy due to my ever growing belly. No sledding for me today although I’m sure I would have been fine but better safe than sorry, right? This whole better safe than sorry thing is slowly killing me. How am I supposed to burn off my grief/anger by having to be so freaking safe all of the time? I hate that I cannot go for my long runs/hikes/ or all of those other things I used to do to help me get through this. I cannot wait for this Poppy girl to be born so I can get back to all of my night runs, etc… I am already planning on running the NYC Marathon in November if I can get in. No training required once again;)

Alright little man. I’m sleepy tonight. I sleep really well here and it’s a nice change from the insomnia I usually deal with back at home. I’m going to take advantage of my sleeping well while I can. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

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Holidays suck without you. I will forever just keep trying to survive them.

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Ronan. My eyes are tired from spending most of the day crying. I know, I know, I know. I’m extra sad/hormonal/outta whack these past couple of weeks. I told you grief and pregnancy don’t go hand in hand. Throw the holidays on top of everything and it’s obvious I don’t stand a chance. I’m not fighting my tears, sadness, or pain. I’m not going to run away from it or try to hide it. I’m going to deal with it the best way I know how to by just giving into it. I also know the holidays are extra hard for me which is why I seem more out of sorts than normal. Your Sparky knows this too. I met up with him today for a while so I could spend some time with him before I leave  for the holidays. I made sure to wear my reading glasses to try to hide my very red, puffy, eyes. It didn’t work. He noticed. I can’t get anything past that man.

We talked about a lot of things just as we always do. It felt nice to just sit and be with my dear friend. He always puts me at such ease with his words of wisdom and those sparkly eyes. He is doing a good job of looking after me which is the reason he came into our life in such an impactful way. I know this. We talked about Poppy and how he can’t wait to look after her for me. He said he knows she will be beautiful. I smiled and told him I knew it, too. He said he couldn’t wait to be her Godfather. She is going to be the luckiest little girl ever with him as her Godfather and your Fairy RoMo, as her Godmother. This baby girl is already so very loved. Your Sparkly told me a bunch of things today. How he feels like you are always with him. He made me make him a promise.

“When I die, I want you to take some of Ronan’s ashes and put them with me, o.k.?”

I felt the corners of my eyes get all wet. I looked away from him because it’s a conversation that I hate to have. The thought of him not being here someday, crushes my soul.

“It’s going to happen, someday. I’ll take some of Ro with me. Promise me that.”

“How in the world am I going to get Ronan’s ashes placed with your dead body?” I asked with that perplexed look on my face that I seem to always have because that man always gives me so much to think about.

“Please. I’ve seen all you can do. That will be a piece of cake. Promise me.” he demanded in the most gentle way possible.

“Of course I promise you. Anything for you. You know that.” I said while looking straight into his eyes.

I never break my promises to our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. It’s one of the reasons I’m still among the living, because he made me promise I would stay here and not die from this pain, by the fate of my own hands.

I’m finally getting a break from that blinding sun that was going to make me crack. We are at your Nana’s for Christmas and there is no place I would rather be in the world. If I have to be somewhere and do this whole Christmas thing, for the sake of your brothers, this is the only place I want to be. Your brothers feel the same way, this is their favorite place in the world. Only is it here that I feel a weight lifted off of all of us. I feel like I can breathe and take a break from my never ending pain. You are everywhere here. You are the comfort in your sweet Nana’s eyes, the laugher of your brothers, and the voice of your Papa Jim who talks endlessly about you. Your nana has your stocking up and her entire Christmas tree is decorated in purple, your favorite color. She was also sure to buy some new Star Wars ornaments this year to put on her tree for you.

It is dark, wet, cold, and rainy. My favorite kind of weather. The kind of weather where I can take a break from my tears, and let the sky do it for me. Your daddy and I went out yesterday and spent the day together while your brothers happily stayed with their best friend, your Papa Jim. It felt nice to be out of the house and running around with your daddy in the rain. I only had one little meltdown, where I something I saw that reminded me so much of you, that the tears started and I just let them roll down my cheeks. Your daddy asked what was wrong. It took me a few minutes to tell him because I was to the point that I was going to cry so hard that I couldn’t talk. I quietly told him what it was that I was so upset about. He just did what he did best and tried to calm me down as best he could. I let it work. I didn’t want to ruin our day with my temper tantrum of, “He should still be here.” We finished up our day together and returned home to your brothers who were still happy as clams to be in the care of your Papa and Nana.

Christmas came and went. I can say I survived. I allowed myself a little time in the morning to cry about not getting to come downstairs and see your beautiful little face, lighting up the entire house. I was hiding under the covers and your daddy came into the room.

“Come on, babe. Everyone is downstairs and waiting.” He said as he gently rubbed my shoulder.

I just continued to lay in the bed and quietly cry. “Where is Ronan?” are the only words I could say.

Your daddy said he wished you were there with us, too. How wrong it was that you were not. I didn’t have a choice. I had to get up and do my best for your brothers. I was not about to ruin their Christmas with my sloppy tears. Gifts were opened. Giggles were heard, but your absence was so very present as it is with everything that we do. I sat back and let your daddy and brothers spoil me like they love to do. They showered me with gifts for this Poppy baby. A new GiGi, to match yours except hers is Pink. I let the “No pink, ever!” rule fly out the window yesterday. Everyone knows pink is not my favorite color, but I can give in every now and again. They got her some little outfits as well since I have not really bought a thing for her. It was very sweet of them to do. Your Sparkly called and did his usual, “I’m not going to tell you Merry Christmas because I know you will tell me not to, so just get through the day…” I appreciated that so much. Get through the day is just what I did. Your brothers seemed happy and that is really all that matters. They opened the gifts that your Nana had for you. Some new Star Wars guys. You would have loved them. I wanted to crumble up and die but I did not. Your Papa Jim had to cover his face in his sweatshirt at the sight of them opening your little gifts. I did my best to look away as he silently cried for a bit. I knew I was going to be next so I pretended to be enamored in Poppy’s gifts. I was not. I felt pretty numb most of the day. I did notice the little hummingbird that flew right up to Nana’s window though, in the middle of a rain storm, with no hummingbird feeder in sight. My little sign of the day from you, I guess. It still doesn’t make this pain, any less.

This is all I can write for now. Christmas will never be the same. Nothing will be. At the end of the day, it is all about survival for me and hiding this pain as best as I can from those sweet brothers of yours. I am so thankful for the help from your daddy, Nana, and Papa Jim. I know there is no way I could have survived this Christmas back in Arizona, in our house, without you. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. I’m so sorry you can not be with us. It will forever be so very wrong.

xoxo

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AZ Foothills Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!

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Thanks to whomever nominated me and all of you for voting. Humbled. You all are amazing.

http://www.arizonafoothillsmagazine.com/features/news/4848-best-of-our-valley-2013-the-list.html?start=10

Most Influential in Valley Nonprofit- Maya Thompson

Best Blog or Local Website- Rockstar Ronan

Do you think there will ever come a time when Christmas lights won’t be blurry from my tears?

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Ronan. A couple of things dawned on me tonight after I dropped by dinner to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I was walking back to my car and I just fucking lost it. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but before I knew it, I was sobbing so hard it was all I could do to make it to my car before my tears formed puddles at my feet and I just slowly drowned. Once I got to my car, I knew it would be a while before I was able to leave the parking lot. I buried my head into the steering wheel and just gave into everything I needed to let out. It’s been a few days since I’ve really cried and I guess I’ve been holding a lot in by distracting myself and being so busy. Soon, my head was filled with thoughts that I couldn’t control. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.” I think in the back of my mind a small part of me thought that I am selfishly doing everything I am doing in this world, for myself. That somehow by doing everything I am doing, this pain will someday become less and maybe someday, I won’t miss you so much that it hurts this badly, all of the time. In a way, I wanted that to be true but I know after tonight, that this won’t ever be the case. There is not a part of me that is doing any of this for myself because I don’t live for myself anymore.This life I live now is not about me anymore. It’s about helping other people as much as I can and in anyway that I can in this totally fucked up world where I cannot even see Christmas lights properly because they are always so blurry from my falling tears.
Right in the middle of my breakdown, your Sparkly called.

“Thank you for the dinner, you are the sweetest. Are you home now?”

Me: “No. I’m sitting in the parking lot. I can’t go home to an empty house.” Insert sobbing so uncontrollably that I couldn’t even finish my sentence, here……

Him: “Shhhhhh. Darling. It’s o.k.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I thought I was fine tonight after I left and I don’t know what happened. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Him: “Stop saying you’re sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Me: I couldn’t talk so I didn’t. I just continued to cry into the phone for the next few minutes while he just sat and listened.

Him: “Get home, o.k.? I will see you tomorrow.”

I got home. Nobody was there. I peeked through our kitchen window from the outside of our house before going in. The house was dark and our kitchen table was empty. It wouldn’t have been this way, if you were still here. I had a flashback of that time I was coming home from somewhere and as I pulled into our house, I could see all of you sitting at our table, eating dinner. I remember the sight of that, made me so happy, that I snapped a picture of it. I remember the way you looked at me through the dinner and waved and laughed. Cancer was everywhere in your body, but you didn’t act like it. You were just so happy being home with all of us.

I’ve been really busy. With a lot of different things. I had a super important phone call this week. I was restless the night before due to this phone call even though I told myself I was just going to wing and speak from the heart, I still went to bed over-analyzing everything. I set up a little shrine in your room to sit and do my phone call in. I put down the blanket that you died on and on top of that I set out all of your favorite things. Your Master Yoda, your Spirit Hood, your gigi blanket. I sat quietly in your room for a while. I talked to you in my head the way I always do when I need you to work your little Ronan magic. My phone rang and so I did my thing. I don’t want to talk to much about it because I don’t want to jinx myself. I think the phone call went really, really, well. At least that is the vibe I got. It was a good way to start the day, if anything. I should know more, soon.

I’ve been trying to get us all ready for our second Christmas, without you. I remember last year, I couldn’t even pack my suitcase. We shall see if I succeed this year. I talked to Macy about my trip out to San Francisco for Teddy’s celebration of life. I think she was sobbing on the phone while she tried to talk to me about the decision I made to go out there and if I had actually thought it through. I sat there numbly and didn’t say much. She asked if I remembered your service and how difficult it was. I told her I didn’t remember a thing about it except I don’t think I cried. I know I was in shock but I am also sure I was numb from much of the medication I was on. I then just said to Macy, “I’m not doing this for myself. I’m doing this for Ronan and Teddy because that is all that matters. I’m doing this, for them.” She said alright and she would be there with me, to hold my hand. That’s all I needed to hear. I don’t know if I could handle this without Macy by my side. I’m so lucky to have her, Ro. Thank you for bringing her to us.

I have lots to do today. I love you to the moon and back. I miss you. I hope you are safe.

xoxo

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I love this article. Medicine is not always the answer. And my Dr. JoRo is mentioned!

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http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-isnt-golden/201212/the-hurry-heal-therapists-cannot-explain-everything

Welcome the newest board members of The Ronan Thompson Foundation!

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I am so proud of our growing family/board members. Woody Thompson as President, Ken Frakes as Vice President, and Melissa DiFilippo. I am so lucky to be surrounded by these beautiful souls and so honored to have them on our board!

http://www.theronanthompsonfoundation.com/about/board

Ronan. Your song for the night. You were the best kind of trouble. I miss you.

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My favorite line that is not even in this song, but at the end of it. “I don’t know if you know who you are, until you lose who you are.”-Taylor Swift

Wise girl. Wise soul. Forever grateful.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNoKguSdy4Y

Our Little Holiday Card. We wish you all nothing but Love, Health, and Happiness not only in 2013, but Always

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Life without Ronan, is Not Wonderful, Merry, or Bright…

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Ronan. This time of the year is tough for me. I’m having a major mental road block in my head over every single thing that I am trying to get done. Shopping for holiday gifts, ordering holiday cards, deciding on what to pack for our trip when I still cannot believe that I do not get to pack a suitcase for you. The holiday card thing kills me the most. I don’t send them out personally anymore, but I do through your foundation. Try picking out a holiday card to design when you have a dead child. They all read, “Best Christmas Ever!” “Everything is Merry and Bright!” or my personal favorites, the one I would have sent out in my former life that simply says, “Happy Holidays!” which to me really reads, “We are perfect. Life is perfect. Everything is perfect, as it should be, and no child ever gets sick and dies from cancer!” Holy hell. It took me 3 days to pick out and design a simple fucking card. I put your picture of the front of it, giving the peace sign. I put a picture of the 4 of us, ugh, on the inside standing in front of your Star Wars Christmas Tree. Through my blinding tears, I managed to write my own happy version of our holiday card which consisted of something like, “Life without Ronan, is not wonderful. blahblahblahblah. But we are determined to make him proud. blahblahblahblah. Thank you for loving us and remembering what is truly important in life.” I wanted to end it by saying, “Fuck Cancer,” but I didn’t think my board members would approve of that so I held off. I will never be able to write a holiday card of fluff again. But I hope when people get that card and open it up they will understand a few simple things. From tragedy, can come good. From losing the most important thing that ever exists, your child, a family can survive the pain and turn it into doing good for others while falling apart at certain times, but not all the time. A family can stay together, hold each other up, and at the end of the day go to bed kissing each other, tucking each other in, telling their dead child goodnight with the promise that tomorrow, might just be an o.k. day.

Today was an o.k. day. It’s the little things though that can make my o.k. day all of a sudden, turn into a ugly cry sob fest in the car. That happened today. I was driving to my office, listening to Taylor Swift of course. Something about one of her lyrics, punched me in the gut. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me. I kept thinking, “No, no, no, no, no. I can’t believe I don’t have his lips to kiss anymore. I can’t believe I don’t have his hand to hold. I can’t believe I don’t get to hear his little laugh or watch the way this sparkly blue eyes light up when he laughs or is doing something naughty. Please, no. I need him back.” I sobbed in the car until I arrived at my destination. I kept it together after that for the rest of the day. I kept it together only because I had a ton of shit to get done and I did not keep it together over my weekend of, “I’m hiding in my bed and not coming out.” I made myself power through today because of the slacking off I did all weekend long.

So.. I KNEW my last blog post was going to cause a major uproar. Most of the comments were lovely, but some were not. I was told everything from, “Your blog is ugly and you are ugly!” to “You just lost another reader.” “Ronan is right where he should be, with our heavenly father. You need to accept that.” What do I say to those nasty comments? Nothing except for thank you. Thank you for being so small minded that you will no longer be reading this blog. I do not need small-minded people on here. I understand it takes a special kind of person, to stick with me. I learned that a lesson a long time ago. It takes the kind of person that can let my words outrage them, but still find it in there hearts to continue reading because they get the bigger picture of all of this. They get that this isn’t about my beliefs, their beliefs, religion, anger or my grief. They get that this is about things that are bigger than themselves and their lives. This is about a very special boy who did not deserve to get childhood cancer and die but he did and because of that, GOOD will come out of it. This is about a BOY with the most beautiful blue eyes who’s mother loved him in the most insanely, passionate way possible that losing him may make it seem as though she has gone mad sometimes, and rightfully so. If my opinions offend you so much that you can just walk away this blog, then so be it. But I hope you remember that it is not me you have walked away from, but him. And for you, I feel sorry. Yes, I rant and rave about everything on here because these are MY feelings and this is MY blog. I am so sorry my being truthful about the things I feel offend you so much that you feel the need to spew such words of hate towards me. I honestly feel like some of the people in this world would be much more comfortable with the way I am handling my grief if I were popping pills or drinking myself to death. I honestly think we as a society are more comfortable with people numbing their pain then actually be true to it. I don’t drink. I don’t do drugs. I don’t smoke. My vice is telling the truth about this pain, my pain without much of a filter. That is MY right as a grieving, heartbroken mother and a choice I have made. I am proud of myself for this choice and I know it is something Ronan is proud of as well. As Ronan’s mom, NOBODY knows what this feels like for me because you were never his mother. He was mine and he was taken away from me and he shouldn’t have been. I will NEVER accept that or come to PEACE with that. I will learn to live with that and that is as good as it is going to get. I do not hate the almighty God. I not hate people who pray. I love them. Why do you think those are the people in my life that I am closest to? I get strength from them. I get love from them. I embrace them and all they believe in as long as they are not telling me what I am doing or feeling, is wrong. I do not hate the power of prayer, but I do question it. I prayed for my son every single day along with thousands of other people day and night and my child still died. So of course I question it all now. Anybody that has a problem with that, well those are your issues, not mine. I’m the one who had the love of my life ripped away from me in the blink of an eye. I’m the one who had to kiss the cold lips of my dead child. I’m the one that had to bathe his dead body and watched as he was taken away on a mother fucking gurney. So not so lovely little blog readers who say they will no longer be reading, I say GOOD FUCKING RIDDONS. At the end of the day, I know who I am and I am not an ugly person. YOU DO NOT KNOW ME, personally. To know me is to love me. I know that. I am not perfect. I am far from it, but the bottom line is, I have a very good heart, I am an outstanding mother, and I WILL FIX this world of childhood cancer even with all of my anger that apparently I am not supposed to have because I should be over it by now. NEWSFLASH!! Grief does not have an expiration date!!! I am quite simply sick of hearing all of that get over it talk. I will never get over the life my child was robbed of.  I will never get over life without him. I am a grieving mother who is trying her best to be honest and true to everything that I am questioning, exploring and feeling and I made the choice to share it with the world because I know that my voice, will change things for others. I am not holding a gun to your head and asking you to feel the same things or believe in the same things that I do. You don’t even know what I believe in, yet you are sure quick to sit back and judge away. I don’t understand what was so wrong about saying prayers and actions need to happen together because those are the two most powerful things in life. I am a realist. I know that prayers alone are not going to be what finds the CURE for childhood cancer. Or what keeps mentally ill gunmen out of our schools. That was the point of my last blog. How did you misconstrue that into something so ugly? I know why and deep down, you know why and I am going to leave it at that.

One last little thing. You know what else I hate more than anything? When people say, “Well, I prayed and I got my miracle.” As somehow, the thing you were praying for was more precious than my son, therefore your miracle was granted. That is so cold-hearted and mean. That is so selfish and sick. Think about the totally warped thing you are saying in your head, before you actually say it. As somehow, God picked you or your loved one because they were worth more than my Ronan or all these other kids out there who are dying or fighting terminal illnesses. You need to chickity check yo’ self before you wreck yo’ self. Thanks though for your unconditional love and support. Peace out Mo’ Fo’s. Have a nice life with that unicorn you ride on up in the sky.

Ronan. That was yesterday. This is today. I have a lot going on. I am having a lot of anxiety about Christmas morning and what it is going to feel like to sit there and watch your brothers in all their glory, unwrapping gifts when you are not there. I can’t stop thinking about Teddy’s family and the 7 other kids who died today from childhood cancer and what their holidays are going to feel like. I can’t stop thinking and hurting for all of those parents, siblings, friends, and relatives in Newtown. I walked into a store today and it was just like it was another normal day. Some really happy christmas song was on. It think it was the one about it being a holly, jolly christmas and the best time of the year. The song stopped me in my tracks. I felt like I was on that show, The Twilight Zone. I looked all around. Everyone was smiling, laughing, and the colors everywhere were so bright. Don’t they know about Ronan? Or Teddy? Well, surely they know about the shooting that just happened. Shouldn’t the world just stop for a little while? It all felt so wrong today. Shouldn’t we have a few days of silence and mourning as an entire county for a couple days. Shouldn’t we cancel Christmas this year? That feels like the right thing to do. The right thing to do does not feel like me finishing up my Christmas shopping. I didn’t. I abandoned my cart and aborted mission. I went to my car and bought my plane ticket for Teddy’s funeral instead. It’s January 6th. I made the decision last night to fly out to San Francisco to go. It’s the least I can do for Teddy and his family. Macy will go with me. My brave sweet friend who watched my child die, attended his funeral, and did not even hesitate to say yes to going to the funeral of another little boy, so I don’t have to go alone. That right there, is true love at it’s finest.

Alright, Ro. I’m getting off my soapbox for tonight. I’m sorry I had to vent. I have been holding all that in for a couple of days and I have been feeling like I am going to explode. That is my venting. Sorry it took over a majority of my writing to you. I hate when my anger interferes with that but I also know I can’t keep it bottled up inside. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

This is right after Ronan had his head cut open. Look at that smile. He was so happy just to be back in my arms again. That is the ONLY place he belongs, so please STOP saying otherwise. His smile says it all.

This is right after Ronan had his head cut open. Look at that smile. He was so happy just to be back in my arms again. That is the ONLY place he belongs, so please STOP saying otherwise. His smile says it all.

  • Instagram is my BFF

    #Repost from @jentate with @repostapp
Oldies but goodies. Seeing these shirts on my RoLovies makes me sooooo happy. @palmercash #ronan #fucancer #rockstarronan #palmercash 💜 came home to thissss!!!! @palmercash #awesome #ronan #rolove now my hubs can rock the #rolove !!! This is the "I want to fucking kill myself selfie." Camelback Inferno hike today is extra hot. WTF was I thinking? Oh, I know. My son died from fucking cancer so I get to live my life being insane and doing crazy shit like this because sometimes it's the only thing that makes me feel alive. Thanks, cancer. You are an asshole. #ronan #fucancer #camelbackmountain #infernohiking #iwanttofuckingkillmyselfselfie #thatwasajoke #nobodyneedstofreakout Battle of the Blogs ends at 11:59PM MST TONIGHT! Those last few hours are invaluable, so please continue to vote as often as you can. 💜

Thank you for your love, your support, your kindness, and your belief in Maya & Ronan, and how they're changing the world. Link is on FB & Twitter!
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