2 a.m. Insomnia Parties With A Raccoon and A Cat


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Ronan. Everyday normal things will no longer exist in my life again. Not even a trip to the grocery store, the car wash, the bank, etc… Even the littlest things are different. I’ve been keeping myself busy enough because my life depends on it. I could easily see myself sinking into a very depressed state of mind and not getting out of bed until Poppy is born. That is why it is so important to me to have most of my days, planned out. I no longer love the luxury of not having things to do. Because if I don’t have things to do, I just won’t do anything at all and that is not a good place for me to be.

 I went to see my OBGYN a couple of days ago, just for my 4 week standard check-up. As I said before, everything with your Poppy sister looks great, but I still sat and told Dr. Schwartz about how I made the ultrasound technician check for any type of mass in Poppy’s body. She sat with me for a good half an hour to discuss how I am doing, how I am feeling, how I am dealing with all of this, and how much I miss you. I know she did not have to do this. She is one of the busiest women on the planet, but I so appreciated her taking the time to talk to me about anything and everything. She told me she would send me back to get more in depth ultrasounds whenever I wanted, she would find any excuse to send me. We have decided my next one will be at 26 weeks. She told me had you had this at birth, it would have been so microscopic that nothing would have shown up. If it would have shown up as something bigger and abnormal, they would have seen it and told me. I don’t know if this made me feel better, but I appreciated her taking the time to talk about the questions I have. She is a great doctor. After I left there, my phone rang. It was Dr. Schwartz telling me that she just got the flu shot in and she was highly recommending that I get one. I told her I wasn’t going to. She told me about the study that just came out linking pregnant women and the flu, to autism. I talked with her a bit about how I really didn’t want to get it. I would rather not put something into my body if I don’t have to. She once again, told me she couldn’t make me, but she felt very strongly about it due to how much I’m in the public and traveling. I asked Stacy and Fernanda about it. They urged me to go. I asked your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. He told me to please go and get it done. Of course I listened. I went today. Remember how I said that nothing will ever be the same again? I cannot even get a flu shot without thinking of you. I’ll never forget all the “pokies,” we had to give you after your rounds of chemo. How much you hated them. How I would hold you and your daddy would give you the shot. Shot after shot after shot. How you would scream and cry and try to be brave, but you hated it so much. My shot didn’t hurt for me today. My shot hurt for you. I’m so sorry for all you had to go through. It was so not fair or right. Any of it.
Do you know what else I’ve gotten to do the past couple of days? I went with Stacy and Fernanda to shop for your Christmas Tree that we are putting up this weekend at PCH. Of course it is a Star Wars theme. We decided this year, to do it all after your favorite guy, Captain Rex. The entire tree is going to be blue and white. Fernanda came up with the brilliant idea to find an actual mannequin and dress him up like Captain Rex to look like he is playing next to the tree. We found a kid sized one to dress up. The girls asked if I still had your Captain Rex costume. I knew where it was, but I had not touched it since you wore it on our last Halloween together. They offered to buy a new one. I told them it was o.k. We could use your little one to put on the mannequin. They both asked if I was sure. I told them I was. I can be brave. I can do this. I went and got it. I inhaled it, hoping for it to smell like you. It didn’t. I set it out for Stacy to pick up to give to Fernanda to let her work her magic. She sent me a picture of it today. It took my breath away. The little mannequin dressed up like you, looked just like you did when you actually wore the costume. I must have sat and stared at that picture for a good five minutes. I cannot believe that this is my life. That I don’t have my own Captain Rex here with me anymore to protect me. I cannot believe a mannequin is wearing my dead child’s costume. I do these things for you. Because I know you would want it to be this way. If you can’t be here with me, I will honor you by bringing your little light everywhere that I can. Including a Children’s Hospital ward where we spent so much time.
I have not been sleeping well. My internal clock has been waking me up at about 2 a.m. for months now. Last night, when I was roaming around our house, I looked outside. I saw a cat in our driveway and right behind that, a big raccoon. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a raccoon in Arizona before. I sat and watched it. I tapped on our kitchen the window. It stopped and looked my way. It was weird and creepy and I was so sad when this morning when I didn’t have you to tell my story to. I told your brothers. They thought it was pretty cool. Liam of course tried to tell me it was just another cat. Such a little skeptic he is. My 2 a.m. witching hour can be fun, Ro! Just throw a few raccoons my way. I then went on Google to do some research on if cats and raccoons are friends. Turns out, they are not. That raccoon was very likely stalking the cat to eat it. The things you learn at 2 a.m. I am a wealth of knowledge in all things raccoon now. I am also very productive at 2 a.m.  I would give anything to have you here to cuddle up to because I can’t sleep. I would give anything not to be waking up because I don’t have you here to cuddle up to. I fucking hate 2 a.m. 2 a.m. blows. I usually fall back asleep around 5 a.m. I need to find a hobby during my witching hours. Maybe I’ll start baking.
I saw your Sparky yesterday. He asked me why I looked so perplexed. I just told him I had a lot going on in my head, like always. We sat and caught up. I was having a really, really sad day but didn’t want to let him in on that. So we talked a lot about your foundation and a few other top-secret things I have in the works. I was wearing my most favorite Frye Cowboy boots that I have had for about 7 years. He made fun of them and made me laugh. I told him they were my favorite boots ever. He said he knew. I left there, feeling like my heart was going to explode from the pain of missing you. I attempted to drive home but had to pull over mid way so I could bang my head against my steering wheel and cry. I called your Sparkly up.
Me: “Do you think I’ll ever stop being so sad?”
Him: “Darling. Come on. Your boots were not that ugly.”
Not even his witty remark made me giggle. It was quiet. I just sat and cried into the phone.
Him: “I do. I honestly do. Not right now, but someday you won’t be this sad.”
Me: “I’m so sad all the time. Nothing helps. I miss him so much.”
Him: “I know you do.”
I sat and cried into the phone while he just listened.
Him: “Are you home now? Please get home. I will speak with you tomorrow.”
Me: “O.k.” I’m almost home.”
I got home to our empty house. I laid on our bed and cried for a long time. My face seems to be constantly wet these days. I wonder if my never-ending tears are because of how much I miss you, or all of my hormones due to being pregnant or a combination of everything. I used to be able to go days without crying. Now I’m crying every single day, sometimes every single hour. At least my anger seems to be under control. I don’t want to sit and punch things or hurt myself. I just want to sit and cry, so I do.
I’ve got to go now, Ro. Lots to do but all I really want to do is be busy taking care of you. I’m sorry. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe.
xoxo
This is the Captain Rex that will go under your tree at PCH this year. Your costume. I only wish it were your body wearing it.

This is the Captain Rex that will go under your tree at PCH this year. Your costume. I only wish it were your body wearing it.

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22 Comments

  1. Jaime

     /  November 30, 2012

    So sad Maya :( I’m just so sorry for all your pain. Please know you’re in my prayers and I think of you every day! I pray that this new baby will help ease some of the sadness and be a tremendous blessing and gift of healing for your entire family. God bless…xoxo

    Reply
  2. Love to you Maya….

    Reply
  3. Jenn

     /  November 30, 2012

    Maya, I’m so sorry. I can’t express that enough. That picture is so tough to look at, it really is. I’m so sorry, you should not feel this pain, no one should. You are so sweet and kind of doing all you are for these kids at the hospital. Lots of love sent your way as always.

    Reply
  4. Oh Maya, I am just so sad for you. That picture. He should be here. He should be wearing that costume to shreds and until he is literally busting out of the seams. It is so wrong for you and your family and all the other families without their babies because of fuckwad asshole cancer.

    Idea for your witching hour, make more bracelets!!!…..only because I want to buy a few for gifts. ;)

    Reply
  5. Melissa V

     /  November 30, 2012

    I am so sorry. Always.

    Reply
  6. Cheri C.

     /  November 30, 2012

    The picture is so hard to look at. Thank you for sharing it. Thank you for sharing all that you do……Absorbing and feeling your pain here in Georgia. You are a strong woman. I wish you didn’t have to be so strong.

    Reply
  7. liz

     /  November 30, 2012

    Till the day you die you will feel that exact same pain when you think of Ronan. Rightly so cause you are feeling how much you love him. It will change to where you don’t feel it as often but the depth of it will always b the same. The pain reflects the love! Hug!

    Reply
  8. Sam

     /  November 30, 2012

    Crying with you now. Life is so brutal sometimes. It’s just not fair. That said, I am so happy for you and Woody that you are bringing new life into the world. It’s hard work, for sure, on so many different levels!, but I think little Poppy will be such a healing force in your lives…not one to take away the sadness of missing Ronan, but an affirmation of life and new beginnings.

    Reply
  9. Maya, there is a certain amount of grief that is normal, and then it goes to a dark and dangerous place. I think you have done all te right things. I think you’re working hard to turn your grief into something productive with the foundation and you have been doing a great job. That said, this level of grief is concerning at this point, I feel you are moving backwards instead of foreward. Does your therapist know how you’re feeling all the time? Does she read youu blog? if not, maybe you should share it with her. There was a post recently you made where you made mention of suicidal feelings. I am worried for you and I think you need a little more help to get you through right now. Please think about calling your therapist today. I know it won’t change your situation but it is one more outlet.

    Reply
  10. Maya, there is a certain amount of grief that is normal, and then it goes to a dark and dangerous place. I think you have done all te right things. I think you’re working hard to turn your grief into something productive with the foundation and you have been doing a great job. That said, this level of grief is concerning at this point, I feel you are moving backwards instead of foreward. Does your therapist know how you’re feeling all the time? Does she read youu blog? if not, maybe you should share it with her. There was a post recently you made where you made mention of suicidal feelings. I am worried for you and I think you need a little more help to get you through right now. Please think about calling your therapist today. I know it won’t change your situation but it is one more outlet.

    Reply
  11. Ugh I can’t even imagine how you feel looking at that mannequin – at first I thought it was a real child, then I realized it looked too stiff and fake. I got shivers down my spine from looking at it. I wish Ronan could be here to spend the holidays with you so bad. My stomach hurts from picturing the empty stocking hanging on your fireplace Christmas after Christmas. I live in NY and we have raccoons everywhere – don’t leave your garbage out at night or they’ll rip it to shreds! Sneaky little bastards.

    Reply
  12. I’m so sorry Maya :-( I am so sad for you. I wish things were different for you. This beyond sucks. You do so well taking care of yourself with your little Poppy, while missing Ro so much. You poor thing. I wish you could have your Ro back. Life would be perfect. Dr. Schwartz delivered my sister-in-law’s baby 2 months ago. I can’t remember if I already told you this or not. Anyway, I didn’t know she was your doctor at the time, but when we were at the hospital while my SIL was in labor, Dr. Schwartz would rush in really quick and check on her. I didn’t know why, she was only doing her standard L&D doctor stuff, but I REALLY liked her for some reason. I was relieved to know she was the doctor. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but there was something special about her. I really felt comfortable with her, even though I saw her for only about 30 seconds. Then about 2 days later I find out she is your doctor, too. That explained it. She really is a great woman. She took great care of my SIL and nephew. I’m guessing she delivered Ro and the twins?? I think she has Ro magic with her :-) Take care, mama. Good job getting your pokie, even though it was hard.

    Reply
  13. Laura

     /  November 30, 2012

    So proud of you letting Captain Rex go to the hospital, he is going to brighten up the world for lots of kids and families. My love and thoughts are always with you and your entire family.

    Reply
  14. Julia

     /  November 30, 2012

    Maya, I have been reading your gorgeous blog ever since I heard Taylor’s amazing song. I broke down crying the first time I heard it and I knew I was in for something. I went back ad read your blog. I told everyone about it. I can not and will never be able to express the pain that I feel reading your inspiring words. You are so strong and remember that no one has the right to judge you because you have been through the hardest possible thing ever. It is ROMAZING that you are able to work so hard for such a good cause. I think about you and Ro everyday and I am spreading the Rolove by raising money for him. I really feel like I know Ro because of your beautiful words and pictures. He is honestly the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. He may not physically be here now, but he is all around. I can’t wait to meet him in heaven. I love him unexplainable amounts and we WILL keep him alive, I promise. Xoxoxoxoxo to the moon and back and thank you for your very important work.

    Reply
  15. Oh, this picture is VERY hard to look at!!!!! FUCK YOU CANCER!!!!!!!!!

    Reply
  16. Whitney

     /  November 30, 2012

    Maya, I’m another total stranger brought here by so many who respond so strongly to you and I’m so, so sorry for your loss. For those moments you cannot control, here’s another musical outlet that has helped me. I’m in NY. The next time you seek refuge here, my home is yours. (I give up trying to paste the link. Tegan & Sara, Where Does the Good Go. Play it LOUD. Fuck yeah.)

    Reply
  17. That photo just breaks my heart… On a happier note, as much as i wish you lots of sleep and rest, i do enjoy your 2am wake ups because it means I get to talk to you a little on twitter xo

    Reply
  18. Glenda

     /  December 1, 2012

    RoMama, Thinking of you, Rockstar Ronan and Poppy. Take care of yourself. Thank goodness for Mr. Sparkly Eyes ;) Fucancer!!! Always rolove XO

    Reply
  19. Shamrock09

     /  December 1, 2012

    Jesus maya!!!!! Want to hug you sooooo badly!!! U and ronan are so in love with each other it is so powerful!!!! I wish there was away you could hea! He truly was a scrumptious child I have watched videos of him and can barely see afterwards my tears are a waterfall. What an amazing child!!!! In life and in passing. Please take care maya and talk talk talk your feelings out to woody or nr sparkly it will help you feel less alone. Love you maya you are such a woman!! Ro must be bursting with pride to have a mama like you, and poppy is a present from him to say thank you mama, love you mama. Xxxxx

    Reply
  20. Tara Simko

     /  December 3, 2012

    That tiny body in that tiny costume. This makes me so sad. Shots make me sad. Cancer makes me sad- and very angry. I’m so sorry- it’s so unfair- I SO wish he was here. When I look at his picture, I still can’t believe that he has been taken by this horrible disease- can’t imagine how I would feel if I were his Mama. My heart aches so badly for you and anyone who has felt the depths of pain from losing a child. I pray that this does get easier as they say it will. I pray that today is a good day for you. Sending love and good vibes. xxx

    Reply
  21. Erin

     /  December 3, 2012

    The tree looks BEAUTIFUL! You are beautiful! I think you have the best friends ever! I read some of the comments and someone said they think your moving backwards with your Grief and I strongly disagree, I mean how is a mother supposed to feel after losing her child,noone can tell you that you should be in a certain stage by now, I’ve read all your blogs and I see how far you’ve come, not that I could imagine what you feel, but I definitely see that you will never stop grieving because of how much you loved Ro, and noone can tell you how to go about it, Geez! I think you are remarkable and a very strong woman!!! Love to you and your family!

    Reply
  22. Des Jordan

     /  December 3, 2012

    Hi Maya, Just a note to let you know I’m still reading and loving you & Ro and your sweet family through all of this. Haven’t commented for a while, so just wanted to remind you of all the people who are out here, by your side, even if you can’t see us! Your hormones w/Poppy girl are going crazy – don’t listen to that jackass who said you’re going backward in your grieving or whatever they said that pissed me off. Not only are you always going to be a grieving mother, but you are going to have ups and downs w/your grief all the time. AND – then you add pregnancy hormones on top of that? I can’t imagine. I was pregnant with my baby girl and it was completely different than with my boy. I was crying every day, and I wasn’t grieving a loss of a child like you are! So keep going, keep crying any time you need to, and keep yourself busy as you are, and doing all the amazing things you continue to do, changing the world of those who know/follow you, and even more so changing this f’d up world of childhood cancer. I’m so sorry, every day, for your loss. Love & hugs always, Desiree

    Reply

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    I was just nominated for the ice challenge. Surely that involves gold glitter, right??? #ronan #fucancer #empiregogold #becauseachildslifeisworthmorethangold #gogold #kidsgetcancertoo @knjoy @kmacnyc @woodythompson75 @stacyfrakes Best live stream ever!!! Poppy agrees! #ronan #poppy #fucancer #1989 #soproud #cantwait #obsessedwiththevideo @taylorswift #Repost from @ronanfoundation 
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