Turkey, Tears and a little Apple Pie, too


Ronan. Yesterday was one of those beautifully bittersweet days that will forever be. We spent the day at home, together enjoying each other and just taking it easy. I cooked an apple pie while Macy made her pumpkin. Fernanda came by with a turkey that she had made for us. She brought her 5 kiddos, too. I got to get in some hugs and kisses from her sweet baby girls who are 4. I think about that a lot. How they are just a little older than you, before you left this world. I like to sit back and watch them and imagine what you would have been like if you had ever had the chance to be their age. If you would have been here, you would have been running around with your brothers and Fernanda’s boys, shooting toy guns and playing some hide and seek game with them. You would have been in the middle of everything. Fernanda and her gang soon left just as our other friends started to arrive.

Mandy came with her family. Melissa came with hers. Uncle Jay stopped by, too. Soon our house was filled with the warmness and happiness that it sometimes lacks. The girls got all the food ready while the guys watched the football game that was on T.V. The kids all played outside, throwing the football and playing hide and go seek. Melissa’s daughter hung out with us and we did girly things like paint her nails. With sparkles of course. We all sat down for dinner, in the most informal way. Just the way we like it. The kids at one table and all the adults kind of scattered about. All of the girls, sat around our dining room table. The guys went back and forth between us and the football game they were immersed in. It was a nice, low-key dinner. Your absence was so very present though. There is never a time where we aren’t thinking about your or missing you. That goes without saying, always. At one point during dinner, Melissa quietly said a little something about you. That is one of the reasons I appreciate her so much. It’s the little things, such as her simply saying for as thankful as she was to be with all of us, in our home for Thanksgiving, that the reason we were all together was so sad. It is due to your absence that we were in the company we were in. It is so true. It’s because of you, that we are surrounded by our dear friends, some whom we wouldn’t have known if it wouldn’t have been for going through something as awful as this. I started to cry at the table, Macy next and everyone else soon followed. Tears and turkey it was. Tears and turkey it will always be. After dinner, we let the kids beat the shit out of a piñata that has become a tradition of ours during Macegiving. They had such fun doing it but once again, even during all the giggles and excitement, I couldn’t help but think of how unfair that you were not there, to join in on the fun. You would have loved our untraditional holiday, so very much. Pinata’s, mexican food, mullets, mustaches, fireworks and a bit of turkey, too. That’s how we roll on Macegiving. It was a night full of love, laugher, and sadness. Another holiday down. I was just glad to have gotten through it and I was even more glad when it was over. Holidays will never be the same for me again. They just don’t have much meaning for me anymore. They have become something that I feel our world puts so much silly importance on, while the real meaning gets lost in translation. Why do we sit around one day a year and take that one day to try to be thankful for all that we have? Shouldn’t it be like this every single day that we are alive and healthy? I swear I heard more about Black Friday then the actual being thankful for Thanksgiving. That makes me want to vomit. It’s the real world petty bullshit that I have such a hard time with. All week I felt like covering my eyes and ears to all that was going on around me. I don’t want to hear about all the amazing black friday sales. I don’t want to hear about the fightings and shooting over all the sale item stuff. Because at the end of the day, that’s all it is, is stuff. And as we all know, stuff isn’t what matters most in life. But fuck, do people sure act like jackasses about it. Clearly, these people have never watched a kid die from cancer, right? And if so, then I don’t really even have words for that. Don’t get me wrong, I like a good bargain in life. But when it comes the day after I was supposed to sit around and be thankful for all that I ALREADY have, well that to me just seems a little ironic. And stupid. And I want nothing to do with it.

The day after Thanksgiving we didn’t do anything. I was wiped out, Macy was wiped out, everybody seemed to have an emotional hangover. We stayed at home. Cuddled. Watched some movies. Took naps. Ate. I felt like I was in a coma. I forget how the emotionally exhausting these holidays are for me until they hit me the next day. Holidays are exhausting regardless. Add a dead child to that and times it by 1000. It is almost unbearable at times. I knew that I could take one day to gather my strength back up but once Saturday came, I was going to have to face the day. I was glad when Saturday arrived as I had a plan of action. I do much better in the world when I’ve got a plan in place. Without one, I feel like I am just floating around, trying to make it through the day without wanting to slit my wrists. A plan for me, keeps me focused and in line. It’s almost my lifeline in a way.

Macy and I ran around getting some things for your Candy Cart, Ro. We had made a plan with Phoenix Children’s Hospital to do your candy cart on Saturday. In my mind, I was thinking about all of those kids, stuck in the hospital who didn’t get to go home for the holiday. In my mind, I knew of a way that I could bring some smiles to their faces in a really easy way. In my mind, I was also selfishly thinking of me and how I knew doing something like this, for others helps me to get through rough things like Thanksgiving. I also knew your Macy would be honored to be a part of it. I was so excited when Saturday came around it was all you and these kids. We decked out your cart with candy and toys. Thanks to the awesome company, Spirit Hoods, we also had some really great animal inspired hoodies to give out as well. Remember how we used to wear ours in the hospital all the time? How soft they are and how warm they kept your little bald head? They contacted me a while ago and asked if they could send me a bunch. I was of course, over the moon about that. Their hoods make such perfect sense to give to all of these bald-headed babes. Stacy, Mandy Bee and Macy all helped me with the cart at PCH. You should have seen the smiles that I got to see today. You should have seen the way the kids’ faces lit up over the goodies that we brought. You should have seen the way that I felt a little bit happy, being able to do something so wonderful in honor of you. You might think after going through all of this, that I would never want to walk on an oncology floor again? Not true. It is the only place I feel sane in. It is the only place I feel like I belong. Not only did I get to make the kids smile today, but I got to make some parents smile as well. That to me, means just as much. We ended your candy cart day by walking to the elevators and I hadn’t really seen any of us cry yet. I looked over at your Macy and saw her wiping away her tears. That gets me every time. Once she starts, I start and then there is no stopping it. She said something ridiculous like, “I’m sorry. I have a crying problem.” I laughed and thought to myself…”A crying problem? I don’t think so. More like the biggest most genuine heart I’ve ever seen anybody in my life, have.” I don’t know what I would do without that girl, Ronan. I thank my lucky stars every single day that she came into our lives when she did. I thank my lucky stars every single day that I watched the two of you, fall head over heels in love with each other. I thank my lucky stars that she is still here and is still one of my very best friends. Thank you, Ronan for our New York Miss Macy. She is my sunshine during these very dark days.

I’m tired. It’s late. I miss you, so very much. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby boy.

xoxo

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35 Comments

  1. those photos speak a thousand words – you emit this glow when you are doing something to help others…when you are doing something in honour of Ronan. And you get a sparkle about whenever Macy is around – that girl is good for your soul; A RoGift like no other.

    Reply
  2. Misty Tovey

     /  November 25, 2012

    I have tears too now! I am so thankful that I heard a beautiful song by Taylor Swift that lead me to investigate the story behind it, beautiful yet heartwrenching. Thank you! It certainly puts a different perspective on what to be thankful for/about!

    Reply
  3. Naïma

     /  November 25, 2012

    “You should have seen the way the kids’ faces lit up over the goodies that we brought. You should have seen the way that I felt a little bit happy, being able to do something so wonderful in honor of you.”

    I am sure he knows.
    And it’s good to see you smile.
    Where can we find these awesome “The Ronan Thompson Foundation” sweats you’re wearing on the pictures? I want them all :)

    Reply
  4. Georgie

     /  November 25, 2012

    it is so amazing what you are doing maya, i can’t wait until i see The Ronan Thompson Foundation in Australia.
    xxx

    Reply
  5. Lidia Giubilaro

     /  November 25, 2012

    We all need someone like Macy in our lives. She is an angel here on earth. Maya I always feel so sad and touched by what you share in your blogs.
    Always sending positive strength your way..

    xoxo

    Reply
  6. Laura

     /  November 25, 2012

    Thinking of you and you entire family with love. I so admire you and love the candy cart.

    Reply
  7. Love you Maya. You’re beautiful and doing beautiful things!

    Reply
  8. Maya honey you are beautiful and do beautiful things. Love you dear.

    Reply
  9. Cintia rodrigues

     /  November 25, 2012

    good afternoon Maya
    I’m from Rio de Janeiro, I’ve written a few times for you, I wanted to tell you that a person is extremely special, pretty much what you did and does for these kids, I’ll gather some friends and do the same, and I always think of you and her beautiful boy, my life became more vivid after you conhenci, this song that I put to you see the letter is very famous here in Brazil and it reminds me of you and your beautiful baby
    I love you without knowing you
    bjs
    Cynthia Rodrigues

    I Know I’ll Love
    Tom Jobim

    I know you’ll love
    Throughout my life I’ll love you
    In each goodbye I’ll love you
    Desperately, I know you’ll love
    And each verse will be my
    Prá tell you that I know I’ll love you
    Throughout my life
    I know I’ll cry
    Every your absence I’ll cry
    But each lap to erase your ago
    What this caused me your absence
    I know I will suffer the eternal misfortune of living
    The wait to live alongside your
    Throughout my life

    Reply
  10. Thanks for all you are doing.

    Reply
  11. Glenda

     /  November 25, 2012

    RoMama,
    You are romazing & robeautuful.
    Poppy bump looks romazing too
    You glow! And your smile ;)
    Someday I’d love to help you at PCH!!??
    Rolove!!! Always rolove xo

    Reply
  12. DonnaC

     /  November 25, 2012

    The Powerball lottery is up to $450+ million in North Carolina right now. We went to the quick stop today to buy a few tickets for some fun. On the way I asked my girls what we would do if we won the money. Claire said right away, I would give all the money to Ronan’s Mom. I smiled thinking that would do something towards kicking cancer’s ass.

    Reply
  13. Jen

     /  November 25, 2012

    You are an inspiration!! You are amazing! Thank you!!

    Reply
  14. Julie

     /  November 25, 2012

    Maya,
    You don’t know me, and I never knew your beautiful son, but I am addicted to your blog and have spend many a night crying over my laptop, reading his story.

    I had to tell you, this afternoon I took my boys on a Santa train ride. At one point we were waiting in line to visit with Santa and a little boy was on his lap who looked identical to Ronan, only with darker hair. I couldn’t stop staring at him, he was beautiful. And somehow, it made me feel just a little bit better to know that there are still tangible pieces of him everywhere.

    I hope maybe it gives you some comfort and solace knowing that someone who lives halfway across the country from you, who never knew your child, still spent a considerable amount of time today thinking about him and was reminded of him in the eyes and face of a random little boy on a train. Perhaps that is his legacy, he was too big for this world alone.

    Take care,

    ~A friend in New York.

    Reply
  15. Nina

     /  November 25, 2012

    I also would just like to tell u that Ronan’s story has definantly been heard. I go to st Rita’s middle school, and about 3 weeks ago, everybody in the seventh grade wrote Ronan on our hands and stand up to cancer on our wrists. I made an entire page with quotes from the song and other things about Ronan. I honestly can say that I personally will never EVER forget about Ronan. I have been spreading the word about him for awhile and recently one of my family friends just passed away from cancer. I live in a world surrounded by cancer. It runs in my family. I will keep u and Ur family in my prayers forever

    Reply
  16. Layn

     /  November 25, 2012

    I know I never met you or Ronan, but I feel like I know you both. I miss Ronan, however strange that may sound, and think of him often.
    As for you Mama Maya, I feel like I know you too and I think you are AMAZING!!! I proudly wear my Rockstar Ronan bracelet, and you never cease to amaze me by how much you change the world. You and Ronan change the world. Love is a powerful thing. Love you!!!

    Reply
  17. Ellie

     /  November 26, 2012

    I start to read your blog and tears just falling from my eyes and i can`t stop them. I`m so sorry for your lost. He`s such a beautiful kiddo. Be strong for little Poppy and twins!!
    I will pray for hi`s little soul!
    Rest In Peace little man! ♥

    Reply
  18. Amy

     /  November 26, 2012

    you look radiant. in all of the pictures i’ve seen on here, i’ve never seen you look so peaceful. thankful you made it through thursday. and friday. thankful for your beautiful boy, and your eloquent words. you’re both such gifts. xo

    Reply
  19. Erin

     /  November 26, 2012

    I love you Maya! The candy cart was brilliant! You are so sweet, I bet you really did make those kids and parents day. I’m so thankful to you for doing these things for those families!

    Reply
  20. Kristin

     /  November 26, 2012

    Maya, You look so pretty in these photos. I also would like to know how to get one of the ronan thompson sweatshirts. I love the picture of your profile. You are speaking with someone and your eyes are sparkling. Thank you for sharing your story and your beautiful child with us. Take care. Your story has inspired me to be part of the solution:)

    Reply
  21. Carolyn

     /  November 26, 2012

    Bless you and your sweet Poppy tummy.

    Reply
  22. Jennifer

     /  November 27, 2012

    I thought of you on Thanksgiving. I even thought of how you have a piñata & how cool that is. I wish you nothing but love & the strength to keep going. Your truth & honesty is amazing! I heard this quote: it is not your business what others think of you! Reminded me of your spirit!

    Reply
  23. Hello Maya!

    Me (Adina) and my friends Malin and Johanna (we are 15 years old, from Sweden) have done a music video to the song “Ronan” and wanted to show it to you. It would mean a lot to us if you saw it! We also want to tell you how sorry we are and how great Ronan seemed. We’ve read a bit from your blog and you’re a very strong person – a role model. You inspire people. You help us realize that everything isn’t for granted. (and you’re a great writer. You should change the blog to a real book!) Thank you for that.

    Here’s a link to the video on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9twv5ez9Ko&list=UU-hvfkiymtcq3nqCqXw41_A&index=1&feature=plcp

    God bless you,

    Adina

    Reply
  24. Lorraine Fedosoff

     /  November 27, 2012

    I lost my beautiful boy at seven-fucking-teen. Two bone marrow transplants and five years of fighting. Before he left he raised thousands for childhood cancer research when he hopped on a bike and got involved with a cycling charity after his first transplant. Six months later fucking asshole cancer came back and destroyed everything. He was the sweetest guy and we miss him so very much. He always thought of others, always worried about his family and never complained of his circumstances. He was robbed of everything – his teenage years and everything fucking normal. Maya, don’t ever stop changing the world for the others. You’re fucking awesome. Attached is a video to remember why you need to keep going, so that other families never have to continue on without the love of their life. He left many messages for us, lessons of life, a life that he was fucking robbed of, but his last message on his Facebook was “If you don’t fight the fights that you may not win, how can you call yourself a champion.” It’s the last photo on the video. Ronan and your foundation will be champions in this fight, Maya. Keep fighting, amazing lady.

    Reply
    • Carolyn

       /  November 28, 2012

      Lorraine, I am so sorry about your beautiful son. He is so handsome, and looks so wise. I just can’t imagine how you feel, but I am so very sorry.
      Carolyn

      Reply
      • Lorraine

         /  November 28, 2012

        Thank you for your lovely comment. I’m deeply touched.

    • Mickayla Peters

       /  December 8, 2012

      Lorraine: Although I have heard your story before, I am just as touched as the first time I was informed of it- from a young lady whom I met through my Nova Scotia university. Your family’s trials and tribulations have inspired myself and many others I know to live each day with the strength and wisdom that your son Adam emitted with every word he spoke. Thank you. – mickaylapeters@hotmail.com

      Reply
      • Lorraine

         /  December 8, 2012

        I am honoured beyond words to hear that. ThanK you so much for making me smile.

  25. I could not agree with you more – holidays are difficult and if you add a dead child/children to the mix it is excruciatingly painful (even unbearable). I am fighting off the dark days with you. A plan definitely helps and that candy cart is the best thing ever. Thank you for being so real and inspirational but as you wrote about meeting some of your close friends I wish the reasons were so very different. Sending hope and hugs. Fuck you cancer!

    Reply
  26. Amy

     /  November 27, 2012

    I’ve been thinking about this for a while, but I haven’t said anything because I didn’t want to come off sounding creepy or morbid. I don’t remember what post it was but you once said you thought about posting a picture of Ronan right as he was about to pass away. I personally feel like you should. I’m not saying this because I want to see it or i enjoy that kind of stuff. I don’t. I’m saying this because I think it could only help your cause. When people think of childhood cancer, they think of happy bald kids who are always smiling. Maybe if they saw what cancer can truly do to someone, more people would be willing to help out. They could see how it transformed a beautiful boy with the most gorgeous blue eyes into something unrecognizable. They could see how it stole his life. I’ve almost read your entire blog so I’m sorry if you posted it and I jut didn’t see it.
    I want you to know that your amazing Maya. You may not feel like it, but you truly are. You took the worst possible thing a parent can go through and your doing something Romazing!!

    Reply
  27. Beautiful mama! Brought me to tears. You
    are AMAZING!! xo

    Reply
  28. Emma

     /  November 28, 2012

    I’m from France and I think that Ro love is in all the world ! i think about you, woody, twins and little poppy all the time but also a lot about Ronan ! He is in my heart forever ! I’m shure that he is so proud of you Maya, you’re an amazing mom ! Ronan was perfect, just like you and your fight ! I can’t stop the tears from my eyes … cancer sucks !
    be strong for your family and for ro memory !
    Lot of ro’love !

    Reply
  29. I found this song on YouTube that means a lot to some that have lost children to cancer

    Reply

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