Ronan. I guess I had kind of a pity party of a day. I started off the day by throwing up all over our hallway early this morning in front of your brothers. Awesomeness. They were both so impressed. I did go to my office. Where the nicest people in the world work. I’m not even exaggerating. What kind of office is filled with laughter, kindness and love all the time? What kind of office has the sweetest girls, peaking in to bring you a water, lunch, snacks and my favorite, Vita Coco? My office. I am so thankful for this new little home. I get a lot done there. Much more there than from our sad little house. I was productive today but also greatly distracted. My phone and emails were blowing up due to the Katie Show that was happening today. It aired on the East Coast first. My twitter soon started blowing up with the kindest tweets ever. I love my little twitter family. I went into lockdown mode and decided I was not ready to watch it when it aired in Phoenix. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called me. “Where are you watching this?” I told him I was not. “I am living this. I do not need to watch this. I’m sick to my stomach. I’ve been throwing up all morning.” “You should not still be throwing up this late in your pregnancy,” he said. I told him the obvious reason why, “I’m allergic to my house.” This sent him into those famous chuckles of his. “You are so cute. Allergic to you house. You are too much.” See Ro, everyone thinks I am being overly dramatic. Hello! I am not sticking my fingers down my throat to make myself puke. The puking is happening totally on it’s own and I don’t think Poppy has anything to do with it anymore. I don’t know what it is going to take for everyone to start believing me.
I got some work done and popped by our Mr. Sparkly Eyes office. We sat for a long time talking about everything and anything. I told him all about New York and how wonderful it was to be there with my girlfriends. How it was such a great little bonding trip for us. I told him all about Taylor and all the sweet things we talked about. I basically caught him up on our entire trip. We talked about that little secret thing I am working on. He gave me his best fatherly advice on it, asking a couple things of me. I told him I would listen and remember. “You are a remarkable woman and I am so proud of you. Actually, you are a remarkable child.” I huffed and puffed. “Stop calling me a child. I am a grown adult.” He told me I was a child and to stop arguing with him about it. I rolled my eyes at him instead. He listened to me talk about some more things and said to me, “You are so sad today. Why are so sad today?” I told him, “Because I just want Ronan here. I don’t want to be on the Katie Couric show because he is dead. I just want Ro back.” “I understand. I know. I’m so sorry.” he mumbled. He watched me spin around in his office chair while staring at pictures of you on his bulletin board and watched as my face turned from that look of, I am o.k., to I am really not o.k. “I don’t know how to help you or what to do.” I looked up at him. “You can’t help me. But you have helped me more than anyone else.” His eyes fell to the floor. “Why? How?” I couldn’t tell him how or why right then and there because I knew if I did, I would have ended up in a puddle in the middle of his floor. I didn’t feel like going there as I was hardly holding it together, as it was. I avoided his question and his eyes full of tears. I ended up telling him later. “Because of your voice of reason, your never judging me, your advice, opinions, and honesty. Because you love him so much and I can see the way he’s changed you. Because you have been my best friend throughout all of this and never went away, even during the worst of times. You never gave up on him or me. Because of the way you believe in me so much, even when you know I am bat shit crazy. I could go on and on. Because you saved my life.” Your Sparkly knows all of this and I know he does not give himself the credit he deserves. You know what he told me? That he is lucky to have me as his daughter. I am the lucky one, Ronan. Truly.
I came home to our house. Your daddy was already home. Your brothers were gone with Mimi and Papa. I plopped down on the couch. Your daddy was watching T.V. like a normal person. I started freaking out, like an insane person. “How can you sit here and act like everything is the same, in our same house, doing all the same things that we used to do with Ronan when nothing is the same anymore!?” He was just freaking watching baseball. I don’t know what I expect. Sometimes I have berserk fantasies about uprooting everyone to somewhere completely different. I mean, it just feels wrong to me to sit here and do all the things we always used to do. Your daddy was quick to point out why my blubbering madness didn’t even make sense. I just sat and listened to him while the tears poured down my cheeks. I then got up and threw myself in your bed like a child having a temper tantrum and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I’ve been in your little bed, all night long. Your daddy came to check on me. He rubbed my back. “Do you need anything?” I told him no. He said, “I know, you don’t need anything or anyone. You can do this all on your own, right?” I told him, “Absolutely.” He then goes, “Well, we all still love you anyway. Tough ass.” I ignored his funny comment because I was too busy drowning in my tears that soaked your bed.
I ended up watching my interview on Katie Couric while in your bed. Alone. That’s how I wanted to see it. I thought they did a beautiful job of putting it together. Of course I am kicking myself for not saying the 50 other things that I wanted to say. Like how my last words to you were also, ” I love you so much. You are my best friend. I’m so sorry. I promise to fix this for you. I promise to make you proud. Please don’t go away. Please don’t ever leave me. Please, I am so scared. Please somebody save him. Please somebody take me instead. Please Ronan, I can’t live without you.” I also wished I would have freaked out and talked about how fucking fucked up it is that childhood cancer is so ignored. How nobody cares. How is it acceptable that childhood cancers is the least funded out of all the cancers. Why doesn’t the whole world know that the GOLD RIBBON is for childhood cancer and SEPTEMBER is CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS MONTH. WHY ISN’T THE MONTH OF SEPTEMBER GOLD EVERYWHERE? Why has only 1 new pediatric drug for childhood cancer been approved in the past 25 years? WHY DID RONAN AND SO MANY OTHERS HAVE TO DIE BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF AWARENESS AND FUNDING? WHY ISN’T CHILDHOOD CANCER AT THE TOP OF OUR PRIORITY LIST? Because if it were, my Ronan might still be here. I guess I can save that for another time, right Ro? I did the very best I could and I am so very thankful for the awareness that I know our show will bring. I’ll get off my soapbox now.
I’m going to go now baby doll, before I start to freak out once again. If I were not pregnant, I would be doing a very dangerous night hike right now. Poppy is keeping me from throwing myself off the side of a cliff. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. And I wish you were not gone from me or in a better place. There is NO better place in the world then with me. I am so very sorry. G’nite little man.