A very Katie Couric pity party kind of day


Ronan. I guess I had kind of a pity party of a day. I started off the day by throwing up all over our hallway early this morning in front of your brothers. Awesomeness. They were both so impressed. I did go to my office. Where the nicest people in the world work. I’m not even exaggerating. What kind of office is filled with laughter, kindness and love all the time? What kind of office has the sweetest girls, peaking in to bring you a water, lunch, snacks and my favorite, Vita Coco? My office. I am so thankful for this new little home. I get a lot done there. Much more there than from our sad little house. I was productive today but also greatly distracted. My phone and emails were blowing up due to the Katie Show that was happening today. It aired on the East Coast first. My twitter soon started blowing up with the kindest tweets ever. I love my little twitter family. I went into lockdown mode and decided I was not ready to watch it when it aired in Phoenix. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called me. “Where are you watching this?” I told him I was not. “I am living this. I do not need to watch this. I’m sick to my stomach. I’ve been throwing up all morning.” “You should not still be throwing up this late in your pregnancy,” he said. I told him the obvious reason why, “I’m allergic to my house.” This sent him into those famous chuckles of his. “You are so cute. Allergic to you house. You are too much.” See Ro, everyone thinks I am being overly dramatic. Hello! I am not sticking my fingers down my throat to make myself puke. The puking is happening totally on it’s own and I don’t think Poppy has anything to do with it anymore. I don’t know what it is going to take for everyone to start believing me.

I got some work done and popped by our Mr. Sparkly Eyes office. We sat for a long time talking about everything and anything. I told him all about New York and how wonderful it was to be there with my girlfriends. How it was such a great little bonding trip for us. I told him all about Taylor and all the sweet things we talked about. I basically caught him up on our entire trip. We talked about that little secret thing I am working on. He gave me his best fatherly advice on it, asking a couple things of me. I told him I would listen and remember. “You are a remarkable woman and I am so proud of you. Actually, you are a remarkable child.” I huffed and puffed. “Stop calling me a child. I am a grown adult.” He told me I was a child and to stop arguing with him about it. I rolled my eyes at him instead. He listened to me talk about some more things and said to me, “You are so sad today. Why are so sad today?” I told him, “Because I just want Ronan here. I don’t want to be on the Katie Couric show because he is dead. I just want Ro back.” “I understand. I know. I’m so sorry.” he mumbled. He watched me spin around in his office chair while staring at pictures of you on his bulletin board and watched as my face turned from that look of, I am o.k., to I am really not o.k. “I don’t know how to help you or what to do.” I looked up at him. “You can’t help me. But you have helped me more than anyone else.” His eyes fell to the floor. “Why? How?” I couldn’t tell him how or why right then and there because I knew if I did, I would have ended up in a puddle in the middle of his floor. I didn’t feel like going there as I was hardly holding it together, as it was. I avoided his question and his eyes full of tears. I ended up telling him later. “Because of your voice of reason, your never judging me, your advice, opinions, and honesty. Because you love him so much and I can see the way he’s changed you. Because you have been my best friend throughout all of this and never went away, even during the worst of times. You never gave up on him or me. Because of the way you believe in me so much, even when you know I am bat shit crazy. I could go on and on. Because you saved my life.” Your Sparkly knows all of this and I know he does not give himself the credit he deserves. You know what he told me? That he is lucky to have me as his daughter. I am the lucky one, Ronan. Truly.

I came home to our house. Your daddy was already home. Your brothers were gone with Mimi and Papa. I plopped down on the couch. Your daddy was watching T.V. like a normal person. I started freaking out, like an insane person. “How can you sit here and act like everything is the same, in our same house, doing all the same things that we used to do with Ronan when nothing is the same anymore!?” He was just freaking watching baseball. I don’t know what I expect. Sometimes I have berserk fantasies about uprooting everyone to somewhere completely different. I mean, it just feels wrong to me to sit here and do all the things we always used to do. Your daddy was quick to point out why my blubbering madness didn’t even make sense. I just sat and listened to him while the tears poured down my cheeks. I then got up and threw myself in your bed like a child having a temper tantrum and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I’ve been in your little bed, all night long. Your daddy came to check on me. He rubbed my back. “Do you need anything?” I told him no. He said, “I know, you don’t need anything or anyone. You can do this all on your own, right?” I told him, “Absolutely.” He then goes, “Well, we all still love you anyway. Tough ass.” I ignored his funny comment because I was too busy drowning in my tears that soaked your bed.

I ended up watching my interview on Katie Couric while in your bed. Alone. That’s how I wanted to see it. I thought they did a beautiful job of putting it together. Of course I am kicking myself for not saying the 50 other things that I wanted to say. Like how my last words to you were also, ” I love you so much. You are my best friend. I’m so sorry. I promise to fix this for you. I promise to make you proud. Please don’t go away. Please don’t ever leave me. Please, I am so scared. Please somebody save him. Please somebody take me instead. Please Ronan, I can’t live without you.” I also wished I would have freaked out and talked about how fucking fucked up it is that childhood cancer is so ignored. How nobody cares. How is it acceptable that childhood cancers is the least funded out of all the cancers. Why doesn’t the whole world know that the GOLD RIBBON is for childhood cancer and SEPTEMBER is CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS MONTH. WHY ISN’T THE MONTH OF SEPTEMBER GOLD EVERYWHERE? Why has only 1 new pediatric drug for childhood cancer been approved in the past 25 years? WHY DID RONAN AND SO MANY OTHERS HAVE TO DIE BECAUSE OF THE LACK OF AWARENESS AND FUNDING? WHY ISN’T CHILDHOOD CANCER AT THE TOP OF OUR PRIORITY LIST? Because if it were, my Ronan might still be here. I guess I can save that for another time, right Ro? I did the very best I could and I am so very thankful for the awareness that I know our show will bring. I’ll get off my soapbox now.

I’m going to go now baby doll, before I start to freak out once again. If I were not pregnant, I would be doing a very dangerous night hike right now. Poppy is keeping me from throwing myself off the side of a cliff. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. And I wish you were not gone from me or in a better place. There is NO better place in the world then with me. I am so very sorry. G’nite little man.

xoxo

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59 Comments

  1. Alysa

     /  October 25, 2012

    He knows u loved him more than anything… And it’s through u we are seeing changes for childhood cancer awarenes… U are amazing as was Ronan…. I am so impressed by ur love for ur son!!! I admire u !!! F@*k u cancer… I am so going to help raise awareness as much as I can…. I have learned so much from u and ur sons story… I am forever grateful!!!! XoXx

    Reply
  2. secret

     /  October 25, 2012

    Ur awesome and a great person now ur here in this world to change the face of cancer and I’m sure Ronan is very proud of u! You are AV inspiration Maya to everyone that reads your blog <3 thank you for all the things you are doing…love you my best wishes to you and all your family…keep ROCKING MAYA!!!

    Reply
  3. Marcy Shipman

     /  October 25, 2012

    You and Woody did such an amazing job on Katie today! I hope and pray that the world will be painted gold next September! I know that you truly have the power to do it! I know wherever Ronan was today (I think he was sitting right next to you and Woody today) he was grinning from ear to ear so proud of his mommy and daddy. How you held it together, I’ll never know. Keep up the amazing work!!

    Reply
  4. Maya-

    I am speechless- you and your darling husband Woody are just more and more beautfiul people who are doing such good things for RONAN! My husband Jay and 10yr. old son Jack (diagnosed with ALL at 3.5) and I watched the show after our SF Giants won game 2 tonight and were all in tears. So much of Ronan’s life at diagnosis was like Jack’s so it was eye opening for Jack to see and hear.
    Your Woody probably just feels helpless at times and you know how he and I know my husband is- they just want to fix everything. Woody would give his life to have Ronan physically back in your loving home running around etc. Try to sleep well tonight.
    Get some rest for that little “Katie” – that was cute of Katie Couric.
    THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU!

    Reply
  5. Leanne

     /  October 25, 2012

    Maya – you are so brave and you’re making such a difference in this world. Look at all that you’ve accomplished in such a short time. I mean you are freaking amazing to even be out if bed! No one would have blamed you for wanting to curl up and die. But you didn’t..you are fighting back. No one can do everything but everyone can do something..your blog, Taylor’s song, it’s all getting noticed..you are making the world want to DO SOMETHING about this disgusting disease. And at the very very least you are helping people get over their so called problems and suck it up, be grateful and be a better parent, wife, friend, person! So you cut yourself a break for being sad. For not wanting any of this. Your son died. He was the love of your life. Nothing can replace him ever but now the world loves him and maybe just maybe he will help save lives through all you are doing. You are only human and you are pregnant. You are a hero. I admire your strength more than I can say. Give yourself a break Maya. Let yourself grieve and remember you have a family that needs you too. XOXO.

    Reply
  6. Colleen

     /  October 25, 2012

    I am reading your blog for the 1st time. I saw you and your husband on Katie. I had no idea that September is CHildren’s cancer month and that there is a color for this. How stupid is this not to know. Thank you for your blog and keep it coming. NO NIGHT HIKES!

    Reply
  7. Melissa V

     /  October 25, 2012

    My heart hurts for you. Always. And then Woody–he literally made me laugh so so sooooo hard….Tough Ass. <3 I know he has a heart of gold–no wonder you love him so. The love you have for each other–so crystal clear on Katie. This should not have happened to Ro…nor should it have happened to the 2 of you, who clearly have a pretty rockin' love story yourselves. I know you two will stand by your promise to not let cancer take anything else from you–and you will make it through this painful but beautiful journey together. I do believe in something after this world…and that it is a wonderful place, but I would never dare say Ro is in a better place and happy to have left you, Woody, Liam, and Quinn–his best and perfect family. I pray he is safe and happy and knows no time–that it will only feel like he turned his sweet little head away and when he looks back you will be with him again–because I know he would never want to be away from you, the best mama ever. Love you, Maya.

    PS (((Mr. Sparkly Eyes)))–sending you so much love for your precious kind perfect way with Ro and Maya.

    Reply
  8. Elaine Winn

     /  October 25, 2012

    My dear RoMama. My heart aches for everything you wanted to say about the love of your life. Ironically, everyone who has had the privilege of reading your blog and falling in love with your magical child, already knows in their heart all the things you wished you had said today and didn’t. Hindsight is 20/20. You know more than anyone that you just never get a chance in life to say exactly what you want to say, exactly when you need to say it. Actions speak louder than words and I humbly argue that you have spoken more in your courageous actions than anything you could have said in the hot seat of a camera set, with an audience of emotions around you. I want kindly to remind you that some days ago you thanked Ronan for giving you the sense of presence during your interview with Katie, for being there beside you to give you the grace to spread the word about this devastating disease and to do it with class and dignity. I know you’re frustrated that you didn’t share more, that you didn’t tell the world how fucked up it is when it comes to childhood cancer, awareness and funding. But Ronan was with you the whole time…he guided you and kept you strong during this interview that will change things, Maya. I have to believe that he is guiding you with a silent harness, and when the time is right, he will help you unleash your passion in the best possible way, great things are coming, I know it. Your interview today with Woody was breathtakingly beautiful. Sometimes, grace during sorrow touches peoples’ hearts and sometimes hitting them over the head with a hammer does a better job, but Ronan knew, today was not the day. What a wise, precious child he was, and we will always miss him every single day xxx

    Reply
  9. Maya, I thought you were amazing on Katie’s show. You were so strong and brave, just like Ronan. I loved the love between you and Woody, how he held you and the way you two look at each other. You’re such a beautiful family, which makes me just that more angry for you!! It makes me so sad and mad knowing the hell your going through. everything you’re writing, I know I’d be the same way. My worst fear is losing one of my children. I love them more than life itself. It makes me so mad that childhood cancer gets so little awareness and funding. I’ve made it my personal mission to fight and kick cancers ass with you. I tell EVERYONE about how little funding for childhood cancer. How many kids die and how we’re all in the dark about how bad it is and how this horrible beast is literally getting ignored. I don’t know if its because its sad, but I don’t care. I’m on a mission. I’ve even had people tell me they think this may not be healthy and I need to back off. I told them if it was their child, they’d feel differently. I started following SuperTy and Lane Goodwin. I feel in love with both of them. Ty really got to me, him and my little Jason are only a month apart in age. I believe everything happens for a reason. I lost people to cancer, that brought me to Stand up 2 cancer, which brought me to Ronan, which opened my eyes to the reality of childhood cancer. Then the ONLY two children I followed died hours apart. It was like another big wake up call!! I refuse to ignore this shit!! I won’t wait for it to be a child I personally know and care about!! Fuck cancer!! Maya, you’re so strong, perfect for this fight, but it’s still not right!! Not fair!! I’m going to try and be less sad and more mad for you. I seriously want to kick cancers ass with you. I think Ronan has started a major movement and I’m proud to be a part of it and extremely proud to be running like a Rockstar for you and your family!! I’m here for the long haul!! Goodnight. Hope tomorrow is a better day:)

    Reply
  10. amy tribe

     /  October 25, 2012

    You and Woody did a great job on the Katie show. Can’t stop crying from watching the show and then reading your post. So I’m lost for words. I just want you to know what Amazing person you are. You make me want be a better mom to my 3 babies and a better person in general. Thank you.
    Everyday when I get on your blog it makes me want to go to Arizona and find you and give. you a big hug

    Reply
  11. maureen

     /  October 25, 2012

    I believe you about the vomiting. Sometimes I feel so anxious that I throw up or feel nauseous all day, and I did not go through something nearly as shitty as you. It is true that certain places and smells can trigger strong emotions and memories. You are so drawn to NYC since that is where you and Ronan spent the last months of his life together, right? And then coming home to that empty house, it must make you sick. His bed cold and empty and the toys he can’t play with anymore. But if you moved, then you’d have to pack up all his stuff into a box and where would his place in the new house be? Oh it is so shitty you even have to think about this.

    Btw Maya why don’t you wear your Ro necklace anymore? Or at least I don’t see you wearing it in any pictures or interviews. Just wondering.

    Reply
  12. I was a snotty mess by the end of your segment on Katie.
    I am concerned about your allergy to Phoenix though…I think you need to got o NYC more regularly or something!!! The foundation should totally have an apartment in NYC where any of you can go whenever you need to (and that I can drop by when I visit!!!)

    Reply
  13. My heart just hurts for you… You are doing absolutely amazing things. Its not fair for anyone to have to go through this! I promise I’m yelling with you! And it WILL work. Keep your head up. Ronan was so beautiful, those were great pictures you shared on the show. You did an awesome! You have millions of people behind you. Xoxo

    Reply
  14. Anne

     /  October 25, 2012

    I found you via a mom blog who linked Taylor’s song and I’ve been following you ever since. Thank you for being pissed off. I now know about Gold and the lack of funding. You may not have said it on the show, but all those people will go to this page and will learn through here. I hope that one day we will know genetic markers for neuroblastoma and it can be screened for and treated before its too late. I have two little boys and my 3 year old reminds me so much of Ronan. I get sick to my stomach and always tear up imagining the agony that you are living. Thank you for all that you are doing and rest assured I’m joining you in this fight to raise awareness for pediatric cancer.

    Reply
  15. Tara Simko

     /  October 26, 2012

    I’m sick to my stomach reading this- because I would feel the exact same way if this happened to my child, and I am equally pissed about the lack of funding and the awareness about September and what it means to every desperate family who is and will fight this horrible disease.

    I’m so sorry, Maya- I know you would do anything to have him back- I so wish there was a way to make that happen and I wish that there were words that could bring you peace. It breaks my heart. Thinking of you and just praying that tomorrow is a better day. xxx

    Reply
  16. You’re the most amazing person in the world Maya. Read my blog, it says so. <3
    http://theonethatgotaway3.wordpress.com/

    Reply
  17. Hazel O Callaghan

     /  October 26, 2012

    This post has just killed me today. I’m heartbroken for you Maya. I know even though you are so busy changing the world and everyone is amazed by you, you still have to lie down at night and miss your baby boy. It’s not fair. But at least you’re not giving up your mission. I believe you have changed so much already and I can tell in my heart that your fighting spirit and love for Ronan is why. Also I know, next September will be GOLD. Everywhere! I promise to do my part on this side of the globe to make sure of it. You amaze me. And I’m so sorry x

    Love, Hazel

    Reply
  18. Michelle

     /  October 26, 2012

    Maya u were great on Katie you are raising so much awareness about childhood cancer Ronan is so proud of you and I believe he is right by your side I believe u should make this blog a book to help other parents and have the proceeds go to Ronan foundation will try my best to raise awareness god bless you oh yeah and fuck you cancer!!

    Reply
  19. Ciara

     /  October 26, 2012

    Maya… you are the most amazing woman to ever touch the Earth! I will be forever grateful for you sharing your story. I am only 12 but this story still means so much to me. So here I sit, every night, on the other side of the world in Australia, visiting http://www.rockstarronan.com and looking for new posts. I wish I wish old enough to donate! I am far too young to make a difference… but finding a cure for cancer means so much to me as I lost my Daddy to cancer when I was 8. I miss him so much and I sometimes wonder if he has met Ronan yet. Although, I never met Ronan personally, I still feel I knew him and I miss him. Your inspirational posts (which have words I’m not SUPPOSED to be reading… but I don’t care) have helped me to live for this minute and be so thankful for life.

    I don’t know you either Maya but I LOVE you… your light is shiner brighter than any other… so keep up the good work!

    Love from Ciara xx

    Reply
    • Ciara

       /  October 26, 2012

      Sorry for the typo… I mean shining instead of shiner! x

      Reply
    • Stacey

       /  October 26, 2012

      Ciara, you’re never too young to make a difference! You could tell your friends and classmates about Ronan and have them tell their friends and families about him. Spreading childhood cancer awareness is HUGE! You could even become a pediatric oncology doctor or nurse, or a research scientist who finds a cure for childhood cancer.

      Reply
      • Ciara

         /  October 26, 2012

        Thank you Stacey! A paediatric oncologist is EXACTLY what I wanted to be! I have told many of my classmates about Ronan and made them listen to the beautiful song, too. Ronan’s story inspired me to want to make a HUGE difference.

  20. Are you sure it’s oke that you throw up so much? Perhaps you should have it checked.
    Btw, why do you keep saying nobody cares about child cancer? Of course everybody cares! Nobody likes cancer. But there is no cure.

    Reply
    • Stacey

       /  October 26, 2012

      Erica, have you seen the statistics on childhood cancer research funding?

      The National Cancer Institute (NCI) spends 96% of its budget on adult cancers and only 4% of its budget on children’s cancers. The American Cancer Society spends less than $0.70 of each $100.00 raised on childhood cancer. Research and development for new drugs from pharmaceutical companies comprises 60% of funding for adult cancer drugs and close to 0% for childhood cancers. – Does this sound like the NCI or ACS care much about childhood cancer? THERE IS NO CURE FOR CHILDHOOD CANCER DUE TO LACK OF FUNDING.

      Only two new cancer drugs have been approved for pediatric use in the last 20 years. Half of all chemotherapies used for children’s cancers are over 25 years old. Many sick children are being given treatment that was developed in the 1960s. Some pediatric cancers, such as brain stem gliomas and pontine gliomas, are terminal upon diagnosis and no new protocols have been developed in 30 years. Others, including neuroblastoma and disseminated medulloblastoma, are terminal upon progression or recurrence.

      People bleed pink for breast cancer awareness, but what about the gold?

      Reply
    • Big pharmaceutical companies DON’T care about children’s cancer…call it controversial, but kids with cancer makes them a fuck tonne of money. I think I read in CC’S interview that Ronan’s treatment cost $1million dollars over 9 months. Add all the kids with cancer up and that’s big business…add that to the fact that there have only been 2 new drugs approved over the last 25 years and the truth is right there. They don’t want a cure.

      Regarding the general public – i don’t think it’s that people don’t care…it’s that people are uneducated, unaware and ill-informed. Perhaps they thought, like I did, that kids don’t really die from childhood cancer. That they are sick for a while but most of them get better. My sister had a very rare form of tumour on her lung at the age of 16. She had an operation where half her lung was removed and that was the end of her treatment. I wasn’t really aware that there could be a lot more to it. I didn’t know the side effects of chemo and radiation therapy. We see so many stories of kids beating cancer and not a lot of those who don’t – because it’s too fucking sad. No one wants to think about children dying.

      I know a little girl who is currently undergoing treatment for stage IV germ cell tumour – VERY rare as most of these tumours present themselves externally and so are easy to catch in their early stages. This girl is basically being used as a guinea pig as there is no protocol set for her cancer – it’s a game of russian roulette with a tiny life and it’s bullshit.
      Once you are dragged into the realities of childhood cancer, you see how common it really is. It’s like a sick sick joke. Kids are dying left right and centre and nobody knows because nobody wants to talk about it.
      Sorry, Maya…that was a novel.

      Reply
  21. Stacey

     /  October 26, 2012

    Dammit, I need to stop reading your blog while I’m at work. Hopefully I can pull it together before someone else comes in. But in a strange way, I don’t want to. I WANT to cry for Ronan, and for you and your family. It’s almost cleansing in a way. I cry and then wipe the tears away and say, “Okay. What’s on the agenda today for spreading childhood cancer awareness?” My latest idea is a car magnet or bumper sticker that says “Would you rather have your boobies or your babies? Support childhood cancer funding.” Or something along those lines. Hopefully, some asshole who’s obsessed with pink doesn’t key my car…

    I know it doesn’t mean much coming from a stranger, but I believe you when you say the house makes you sick. How could it NOT? Everything in it screams of Ronan. But at the same time, I do wonder if you’d regret moving because the house is where Ronan grew up. “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t” I guess.

    Reply
  22. paula

     /  October 26, 2012

    I have seen ways of making your home a better place after the loss of a child. Its not packing everything away. But is changing the space. I think its harder to leave everything the way it was. I’ve seen Ty Bennington come up with wonderful ways to help some transform there house so not to make it so painful…and yet stil have its Ronan touch. Something to consider…professional help with what to do with his room. I know that has to be so hard. Your amazing and strong and Poppy’s going. To be so lucky to have you as a mom. She was soooo meant to be I’m so happy Mr. Sparkely is your dad. I was hoping and thinking that was who it was. He is lucky to have you as a daughter. You did amazing on Katie! Now go eat some pie! :) Ps when I was pregnant I ate pie filling out of the can on more than one occassion. Lol

    Reply
  23. Nikky

     /  October 26, 2012

    Maya,
    I have been following your blog since hearing Taylor’s song on stand up to cancer. You and Ronan have changed me! I am an ICU rn and a first time mom to a 4 month old little boy. every time I have an older patient with cancer I am upset! Upset because of all the awareness that adult cancers have! It isn’t fair!! You are so right, everyone should know what that yellow ribbon means! Why do these poor kids not get the attention they deserve!
    I want you to know that you and Ronan are doing amazing things! You are spreading so much awareness! Thank you for sharing your beautiful little boy with the world! I hold my Wesley tighter and longer because of you two!!

    Reply
  24. darcy

     /  October 26, 2012

    I just watched your interview in tears and in grief for you. You are so beautifully strong. I was so sorry to see your sadness. I hope Poppy Ro :) will help heal your broken heart. Keep taking care of your beautiful mama Ronan! We love you Maya.

    Reply
  25. Ellen Williams

     /  October 26, 2012

    I know there are no words right enough, comforting enough, deep enough to even begin to touch how you feel. All I can relay to you is that so many of us are deeply moved by your sweet baby Ronan, by you, your ever loving family, and your story. I don’t know you…but I oddly feel like I do. My heart is broken wide open for you.
    Ellen

    Reply
  26. Maya please don’t think no one cares – WE CARE!!! We’re getting the message. There are so many of us inspired by Ronan, by Ty, by Lane, by Bo, by the countless other kids that we’re finding out about. This year a difference is being made. I’m sorry it’s too late for Ronan and Ty and Lane and Bo and way too many other kids. But our eyes were opened because of them. We’re starting to rattle the cages and make some noise on their behalf. We’re gonna make a difference – September 2013 things are going to change. I can feel it. I don’t know the depth of the pain that you’re facing – but please know I’d do anything I could to take it from you. Your strength and courage is an inspiration. I’m so humbled by you and Cindy all the other warrior momma’s out there fighting for their kids. I’m in the fight with you now, thousands of others are in the fight with you now. I pray every day that Ronan and Ty are safe and watching down over you, over us – guiding us to make them proud. Sending love and strength always.

    Reply
  27. Maya,

    First off, you never need to apologize to yourself or anyone else for feeling the way you do or for not always saying the things you wanted to say. Making it through that interview AT ALL is a miracle, because that alone took so much strength and courage. And there is never a right or wrong way to feel. You lost your child, your precious Ronan. And it is understandable if you just feel empty inside as Ronan is a huge part of your heart and soul. When a child dies, a part of the parent dies too. The thing is…you have Woody and your boys and your little Poppy. They, along with your passion for fighting childhood cancer, are what will continue to keep you moving forward and continue living, even though there will be days when you need to grieve and curl up in a ball. It is understandable to feel angry and hurt and bitter and hopeful and dead inside and sad and even joyful about your pregnancy and the strides you are making….all at the same time. It is a crazy and oftentimes confusing mix of emotions, but your feelings are never right or wrong…they just are. And never apologize for them. Just know that, through all of this, you are making a difference for so many. And you have an amazing family and board and even the readers of your blog, who all surround you with love and support. Part of your soul is missing, but you are never alone. Hold on to those around you. Let Woody be strong for you when you are feeling low

    Reply
    • Just like you held strong in the past when Woody needed to grieve. No one should have to lose their child. It is hard enough to live through it with others surrounding you. Please know you are never alone. You need space sometimes, which is normal, but your family needs you and you need them. You are a superhero, Maya. You really are, but even the strongest people need to lean on others when things just become too much.

      Love from Long Island.

      Kate

      Reply
  28. Jackie

     /  October 26, 2012

    How in the hell you can do all of this and wake up ever single morning and keep going is beyond me. Maya you are a very strong person to do this. I would have just shut down never to speak or do anything really. I am so sorry he isnt here. nothing i can say will bring him back or make you feel better. All i can say is im sorry. thats it. Im sorry.

    Reply
  29. Jaime H.

     /  October 26, 2012

    I bought a big box of otter pops the other day and noticed a gold ribbon on the side and that they support childhood cancer awareness! I wondered if you knew. I thought it was refreshing to see gold, not pink!! Now, if only more large companies/organizations did this?!! Anyway, score one for otter pop!! Love you Maya, hope you feel better in every way possible! xoxoxo

    Reply
  30. You and Woody were fantastic on Katie’s show!

    For what my two cents is worth, I seriously think you need to move. No, it won’t bring Ronan back, but at least you won’t see him everywhere you turn. You LIVED THERE WITH HIM. Tell Woody I said you are not being crazy, I wouldn’t have been able to stand living there for a week – hell, a DAY, after he was gone. Move, for Poppy Thompson’s sake if not your own, she deserves a fresh new place that doesn’t make her mama hurl constantly. You aren’t leaving him behind, you are giving yourself a place that you do not dread coming home to at night. I bet Ronan would totally agree.

    Keep on chugging, Maya. You are more special than you even know.

    Reply
  31. Jessi

     /  October 26, 2012

    My email last night probably did not help the way you were feeling and I apologize for that. But I hope it helped. You’re allowed to be sad. You have an army (and the cutest, bravest army guy ever) behind you holding you up. Crying with you today as I read this. I hope today is better.

    P.S. Thank you little Poppygirl for keeping mama here and fighting, and not jumping off a cliff…

    Reply
  32. Jessi

     /  October 26, 2012

    I hate when people talk about Ronan like he just ‘happened’. He’s not here anymore, but he’s here. His legacy is so mighty. He didn’t have the most captivating eyes, he HAS them. He wouldn’t have been the best big brother to Poppygirl, he is GOING TO BE the best big brother (along side Liam and Quinny). He didn’t know how very much you loved him, he knows how much you love him. He knows how he is the very breath you breathe. His heart beats through yours. Ronan is in everything you do. Look at how he’s changing the world. HE IS HERE.

    Reply
  33. Raven

     /  October 26, 2012

    Hi my name is raven Johnson Im 16 years old i watched Katie Couric’s show the episode that u were on I just want you to know u inspired me I want to do something to help but Idk how except for praying. I don’t know you but I love you and hope the best for you and your family :) <3

    Reply
  34. Karen Moreno

     /  October 26, 2012

    I saw this quote on Facebook recently. It simply said ‘ I HOPE CANCER GETS CANCER AND DIES”. Because of you Mya I am totally committed to your cause. I am so sorry for your loss and for all of your pain. Your words literally reach out and touch my heart as I am sure they touch millions more. I have enlisted and will be a soldier in this fight against this most evil disease. This war will be won and many, many lives will be saved because of you and your beautiful son. I am just so sorry what this has cost you and your family. You and your precious family are in my thoughts and my prayers; as are the many, many other families who have faced or are facing this most hideous disease.

    Reply
  35. Maya, Sweet Maya~~ Ronan is right there with you. I cant imagine the physical pain of not being able to use your human senses to know that; right? I mean you cant touch him, you can’t smell him, you can no longer hear his little laughter and squeaky voice nor can you taste those sweet Rolip kisses and you can’t see those blue, blue Robaby eyes. That has to be painful,so painful. But Maya your love for him was never about what color his eyes were or his sweet voice or any of the physical things. That feeling you get in your heart, that feeling you get inside you (That sometimes gets all your physical human functions out of whack) that is a part of your spirit and your soul. Ronan is always with you, inside of you was and IS his better place. He is inside of you, he is beside you (I swear I saw a light beside your hip when you were with Taylor even if you do think i’m crazy). Maya his life had purpose and he intrusted you as his mom to see that the job was done. He feels you he guides you he communicates with you, he is right there with you. PS You can be sick your entire pregnancy due to hormone levels (I was with 2 of mine through the 6 month) but you are right it could be nerves. There is a woman with a blog Anysia Kiel I found her googleing info about the spirits of children and I did it after Super Ty and Lane passed last week. I also did it bc of all three boys Ro, Ty and Lane and a little boy Baylor Teal that died of cancer here in SC 2 years ago. Anyway I looked through all the commercial garbage (People scaming money and taking advantage with BS) I came across her blog. Her blog and answers all describe in words the things I believe and have tried to communicate but she also has other things… LIKE how you can tunnel white light and positive energy in your house. It is worth a read Maya. I know everything will come to you and in due time when you are ready. Big Hugs!!

    Reply
  36. I thought you did a wonderful job on the show Katie Couric I found myself thinking about the show for hours afterwards. For the most part I am rarely affected by a show in that way. So I would say you did a great job! I also did not know September is for Childhood Cancer Awarness Month. I have hope as so many people lately are talking about all the different types of cancer. I really do have hope that some day just maybe we will be free from this heartbreaking disease.

    Reply
  37. Stella

     /  October 26, 2012

    Although you are moving mountains
    Your mountain of pain has yet to move
    Your cross to carry is one nobody can understand but you
    You will never know the answer to the only question that remains
    Why? Why Ronan? Why me? Why us?
    You understand all too well the need to relive this unimagineable nightmare over and over again
    for those who still look the other way
    For those afraid of the pain that they must see and feel to fully understand what we are neglecting to do
    It isn’t anything we did not know
    It isn’t that we are not aware that too many children are dying
    That should have been saved
    Is it that it would be too difficult to breath if we realized we could’ve saved just one child
    If we were willing to feel an ounce of what you have deep within you?

    But when does it end for you?
    Must you always carry this cross of agony, pain, sadness, anger, disbelief, shock and a lump of stuff you cannot swallow?
    Who are we to expect more?
    Who are we to even want more of and for you?

    But do you know that THE mother whose child is saved because of your incredible LOVE for a beautiful sparkly boy named RONAN and the promises made in his name – she will merely catch a glimpse of the darkness that fills your days.

    Do you know that above all else one thing remains?
    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE!!!
    And it is not dark
    It does not cause agony or pain
    It conquers sadness
    It destroys anger
    It gives freely
    It does not have boundaries
    It is not limited
    It will sustain until you meet again………

    1 Corinthians 13:4-8
    4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails.

    Never underestimate the power of your LOVE Maya because it is where RONAN continues to live.

    I am so sorry you had to let your beautiful boy go
    I am sorry nothing anyone can say or do will ever bring him back
    I am sorry that what should be the most wonderful joy a woman can ever experience is bittersweet
    I am forever grateful that you have allowed yourself to feel the pain and fight!

    Reply
  38. Glenda

     /  October 26, 2012

    Romama,

    Poppy is saving you and I’m so glad she came when she did. I would read about your night hikes and worry.

    I’m so glad you have Sparkly Eyes!!
    I can’t wait to hear about all the other things you are working on! Can’t wait to read all about it ;)

    Always Rockstar Ro!!! Always Rolove!!! XO

    Reply
  39. Lisa

     /  October 26, 2012

    I too found out about Ronan and you because of Taylor’s song. I went to the very beginning of the blog and fell in love with Ronan. I watched you on Katie today and there are no words to explain the magnitude of this little boy. I read somewhere that he had a heart of gold, the same color that brings awareness to childhood cancers. Not a coincidence I’m sure. I do have to admit that at one point during the show I got lost in thinking “damn Woody is hot”…there I said it, and there’s no shame in my game. Other bitches were thinking it too!

    I am the very proud daughter of a breast cancer survivor. I wear pink for my Mama, and will continue to do so. With that said, I’ll add that, were that not the case, I too would be fucking sick of the pink ribbon shit, and secretly sometimes am anyway. It is EVERYWHERE, crammed down your throat, and damn, how many pink ribbon bracelets and shit does one person need? BTW, the pink ribbon that sickens people is the color of Pepto Bismal, which is used for upset stomach and nausea. Again, not a coincidence, but funny as hell nonetheless.

    I have been involved with our local Relay For Life for over ten years, and even served on the planning committee for four of those years. I am embarrassed to admit that I blindy assumed that the money raised for the American Cancer Society would be distributed equally among various cancers and used in research. Sadly, after reading this blog, I have been enlightened about the fact that this is not the case. I did some research (which for me just means I read some shit online ;) ) and it basically looks like ACS spends more on advertising and party supplies than childhood cancer. Hmmm, good to know. I will now just donate my funds to Ronan’s foundation, and won’t have to force my lazy ass to walk all night to do so!

    I have known of other cancer awareness colors, but never knew about Gold for Childood Cancers, and I am one of the guilty ones that never really gave it much thought. It is never discussed on commercials or in print, and the damn WWF has NEVER turned gold for childhood cancer, although children make up most of their audience AND those tacky ass championship belts that I secretly love are made of gold. I’m sure it’s some fake ass gold, but you see where I’m going!

    I did not mean to turn this into a novel, and I don’t even know if you’ll see this Maya. Regardless, I wanted to let you know that, while I don’t always agree 100% with all your beliefs and everything you say, I respect you more than most anybody in my life, and I’m poplular and have a lot of people in my life, so that says a lot:) I have learned so much from you about so many things, and although I’m 43, I want to be just like you when I grow up. I now am more thankful for my boys that are considerably older than yours but are still my babies. I spend less time working on making sure I have the most perfect roses on the street, and more time just actually taking a nice whiff of the bastards! And if I feel like crying for whatever reason, I do it, even if sometimes it’s the ugly cry. And I have learned that it’s okay that the word FUCK has always been my most favorite word ever, because you have taught me that it is fucking versatile!

    I will continue to wear pink for my Mama, but will now also wear GOLD for Ronan and his Mama as well. I will continue to follow your story and bring awareness to childhood cancer. I cannot wait to see you move mountains; you, my dear, will change the world!

    Reply
  40. Jami

     /  October 26, 2012

    I love you and your family so much Romama!! you inspire me so much! I wish I could take some of your pain away, I put myself in your shoes and I know I couldn’t pick myself off the floor, I love my little man with every ounce of being I have and couldn’t picture life without him. You are such a strong woman! You can do this, you can keep fighting the fight for Ronan and Ro will be with you every step of the way. He is going to get you through this and you and him will make a difference in the world. Lots of hugs and prayers! Rolove forever!

    Reply
  41. Hannah

     /  October 26, 2012

    Hi Maya…My name is Hannah and I am a 17-year-old from Seattle. I honestly don’t know what to say but I just felt compelled to write to you after reading your story. I first heard about you through Taylor Swifts song about your little boy, and without knowing a single thing about you I was tearing up just listening to it in my car. Fastforward to tonight. Ronan came on my iPod and all of a sudden I happened upon your blog. And I read. And read. And I guess all I can say is I am so sorry. I know that’s not much. But as I sit here, reading and crying, I can’t think of anything better to say. Your words are beautifully real and I am so glad you have taken a stand to this horrible, horrible disease. No one should have to endour cancer, but especially all those kids who have such bright futures. It makes me sick to think about all these kids who don’t get to chase their dreams. And I am so sorry that Ronan doesn’t get to chase his. God, he deserved to. But of course you know that. My words seem so trivial compared to yours, but I just had to say them. I had to somehow express how much your story has affected me. And I’m not even a mother. Anyway, your family is in my thoughts. oh, and I think Poppy is a beautiful name for your baby girl. I know my opinion probably doesn’t count for much, but still. :)

    Thank you for sharing your story,
    Hannah

    Reply
  42. My girls and I watched you on the K.C show, yesterday. I started crying. My 9 y/o started crying. We also say, “love you to the moon and back.” Ronan is such a beautiful ,perfect boy. I googled the Taylor Swift song and we listened to it. It was lovely. I was crying, again. This morning my girls told me they wanted to wear gold for Ronan. So they went to school sporting their gold (yellow) shirts all b/c of your beautiful baby boy and your family! I never take my kids for granted anymore. thank you for sharing Ronan’s story and your feelings/thoughts, through this whole shitty journey you have been on!! xo

    Reply
  43. I happened to see you on the Katie Couric show yesterday and your story blows me away and how much of a fighter Ronan was. Your last words to him were so beautiful and sweet. I just want you to know you’ve touched my life. All the things you are doing with the Ronan Thompson foundation is amazing. No words could ever make any of this okay, but you and Ronan have made a positive difference in the world. Keep fighting on! xx

    Reply
  44. Kandi Frame McCulloch Williamson

     /  October 26, 2012

    Yes, Maya, you have a lot more to say. So, what you left out on Katie’s show can be your platform when you have a chance to speak with our President. I’m sure you are destined to have a new law or a bill of sorts that demands more for childhood cancer research. Our children at least need a chance to win these battles against this monster, cancer, with the research, medicine and more people like you, Maya that says, FUCK YOU, CANCER, we are going to win this!

    Reply
  45. Kim F. - Wentzville, MO

     /  October 26, 2012

    Maya, because of YOU I know that September is the month for cancer awareness, because of YOU I know that gold is now the best color in the world, because of YOU I wear a Fuck You Cancer-Rockstar Ronan bracelet that is attached to my wrist like a tattoo, because of YOU I kiss and hug my kids ever more than I did before. LASTLY, because of YOU childhood cancer research is finally going to get the attention it deserves. I know this doesn’t bring Ronan back and it sucks beyond all things that suck. But Maya, you are going to be part of something big, something extraordinary. I’m not sure what it is but I look forward to following your journey and witnessing all of the good things to come from YOU.

    Reply
  46. Verónica

     /  October 26, 2012

    Maya,
    I found out about you and Ronan through Taylor Swift’s interview for the Rolling Stone magazine . I spent one day and one night reading since it started to today. reading and crying, sometimes I had to take breaks because your pain was so overwhelming.Your words are so powerful; your pain is so immense that I feel it and suffer with you.My son was born the same year than Ronan. I cannot even imagine loosing him.
    Maya, YOU ARE doing an amazing job keeping it together AND bringing awareness to CHILDHOOD CANCER. I have learned so much about it through you and Ronan. I promise to keep spreading the word and PLEASE don’t feel like you didn’t say enough in the Katie Courie show because everyone who saw you immediately started googling about YOU N RONAN and neuroblatoma.
    Thanks to you, other moms won’t have to go through what u went through.I AM SO SORRY
    And I know you are mad at God for letting you down and I think I would be too. I was mad at him for ” allowing” my divorce even though He had nothing to do with it.Please talk to Him; tell Him how upset and sad you are. Ask Him why the hell did he let you down? Curse at Him, if you haven’t yet done so, whatever you want to say. I know you are going to say that the only way your pain is going away is if He sends you Ronan back and He’s going to do it, just not yet but pretty soon you’ll see those beautiful blue eyes again. Jesus is coming again and those angels,who left before we did are going to be the first ones to see Him. His angels are going to put Ronan in your arms again. I truly believe this . It is on the bible.
    Maya, you are going to hold your baby Ro again!! And he’s going to be healthy, jumping and running, telling you how much he loves you. When Jesus comes back, cancer, pain, sadness and tears are going to be wiped out…….And now you tell me to F@$$ off. Im sorry for crossing the line; I never push my beliefs on anyone, but I just wanted to tell you because maybe knowing that Ro is not lost forever, you’ll keep missing him but knowing it is not the end, your pain will be more bearable.

    I’m sorry, I’m sorry you lost your baby. I could say it a million times and still wouldn’t describe how sorry I am.

    Reply
  47. Maya, I’ve been following you since stand up to cancer. But this past week your blog has been getting me through some dark times. I have been fighting f-ing infertility off and on since 2009. I’ve had 3 pregnancies and 1 live birth, my precious little boy. As we speak I’m in the middle of losing another pregnancy. In no way am I comparing my pain to yours but your blog has given me an outlet to cry and listen to the heart of another grieving mama. You are a warrior mom and I believe I am too. Although there is so much pain in the world I believe there is a lot of beauty. That thought will help me to keep going and holding onto hope. I won’t stop until my dream of expanding my family is a reality just like I know you won’t stop too. I guess the purpose of this comment is to say thanks for sharing Ronan and yourself with us. While little comfort I’m sure I just wanted to tell you it has impacted my life.

    Reply
  48. Barbie Lamb

     /  October 26, 2012

    Maya,
    I just heard of your story today….watching Katie on dvr. I couldn’t get you or Ronan off my mind or heart. So I had to go to your blog. I have just read oct 25th. I fear reading more, I’ve cried for over an hour just reading one entry.

    I feel so bad, sad, and just want to come to you and hug you and not let go until you feel better. But I’m sure at this point you see that as never. I just can’t imagine EVER going through what you have. I admire you as a mother and human for just being able to get out of bed every or most days.

    You are an AMAZING MOTHER!!!! Wow is all I can say. You have moved me by one entry to focus on childhood cancer. I have 2 girls, they have both experienced medical problems but I know I am lucky to have them. Ironically my youngest is Mya. I will share Ronan’s story with them. We will look forward to next September to host a walk for Childhood Cancer in our home town and work on awareness. Also I have MS, and ironically my ribbon color is yellow, looks like gold.

    You have motivated me to make a change. I have fundraising experience due to my disease. I have felt there isn’t enough focus on MS. But there is definitely not enough focus on childhood cancer, so it’s time for me to shift my focus!!!

    I want you to smile again!!! Did you watch 20/20 tonight?? Or hear the neurosurgeon’s story?? You should try to hear it. Ronan is in such a beautiful special place now. I am strong Christian, and I can promise you he is disease free, pain free, and running and playing and smiling. He wants you to smile again.

    I will in time read your blog. I will pray for you and your family and your pregnancy!! This new baby was meant to be, God is very specific about his plans. He has some positive happy plans ahead for you, not without Ronan. He will always be alive in memories, pictures, and videos. He will ALWAYS be part of your family FOREVER!!!

    Prayers and love,

    Barbie Lamb
    ( just another mom )

    Reply
  49. Gina Wittig - Hoover, AL

     /  October 26, 2012

    Maya,
    I watched your interview with Katie Couric on Thursday, and just re-watched it with my 12 year old daughter, Emily. We are huge Taylor Swift fans, so that is how we first found out about Ronan. Once we heard the song, we both ran to our computers and started reading the blog. I realized we were both staying up late reading through the blog, so we talk about you and Ronan a lot. We just want you to know how much we admire what you are doing, your strength and courage, and your love for your family. I have 3 kids, and my biggest fear is losing one of them. I am so so sorry you lost Ronan. It’s not fair. It sucks. It’s hard to wrap your mind around the fact that someone you love is gone. You are an amazing woman and you are going to help save lives. Even though I haven’t been through what you are going through, I can understand the feelings you are having about your pregnancy. I want you to know I am praying hard for you to be able to get through the hard days, enjoy the good days, and have an easy delivery. I am praying that Poppy is completely healthy and happy.
    My cousin is raising money through the Run Like A Rockstar page, and we are happily donating to it.
    Hang in there, Maya. Grief is tough. I lost my daddy 5 years ago, and it still hurts, but you learn how to live with it. The pain never goes away. The best thing I did for myself was I stopped beating myself up for feeling the way I did. That helped me a lot.
    We are thinking about you and praying for you and your whole family.
    Gina Sacco Wittig and Emily Wittig

    Reply
  50. Kati

     /  October 28, 2012

    I saw your story on the Katie Couric show and I laid in my bed crying and praying for you and your family. Our family just lost a very good friend at the beginning of October. She was 10 years old and she was diagnoised with leukemia only 8 months ago. She endured 4 rounds of chemo and kind of like your son’s story, the doctors came in and said there was nothing else they could do for Jessica. Jessica fought until the end! Her faith in God was amazing, she said from the beginning, I will be ok if I live or if I die! Wow, she amazed me with her faith!! Her parents have totally let God be in control of them. They have shown that you can’t control life only let God be in control! God has a plan for everyone and even with Ronan, look how many lives he has touched. Just like with Jessica, her story and her life has touched so many. God will help you, too! Just let Him. You, Woody, and your boys are in my prayers!! If I can ever do anything for you, please get in touch with me!

    Reply
  51. Aimee

     /  October 31, 2012

    You are amazing Maya…RO is amazing! I make sure everybody I come into contact with know’s your story. I get so pissed when I ask if they have read your blog and they tell me “No that’s too sad, I have kids so it would make me too sad”…Are you kidding me shut the hell up, educate yourself and think of Maya and everybody else who has had to actually go through this. Oh that makes me so mad, how selfish….be sad…be mad…that is the only way any of this will ever change. I am willing to have that argument as many times as I have to though!

    xoxo Aimee

    Reply

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  • Instagram is my BFF

    Miss you already, lover. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #rideordie #mommynumbertwo @macymwood Dedicated to my @macymwood. Ride or die for life. #ronan #fucancer #iwillloveyoutilltheendoftime #lanadelrey #iwouldmakeoutwithlana Hipsters. #ronan #fucancer #middleagedhipsters #youngforever #forgotourflowerheadbands #lanadelrae Been trying hard not to get into trouble... #ronan #fucancer #lanadelrae #mymusicalsoulmate @macymwood This is my happy place. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #hidingfromtheworld #sundaysnuggles @macymwood @knjoy Sundays are for sleep. @macymwood @knjoy #poppy #ronan #fucancer #sleepingbeauty #wornoutfromsomuchdancing Just making out with my favorite homegirl. #poppy #ronan #youdownwithopp? #yeahyouknowme #homegirllove #fucancer Poppy's other mom is in da house! #poppy #ronan #fucancer #mytwomoms #thesebitchesarecrazy @macymwood A bunch of little ballers and a P-Ro, too. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #basketballislife #arcadiatitans This has secretly been being worked on for quite some time. As you can imagine, it was a very emotional thing. We as board members/friends at RTF decided it was time for the little seal logo to go. We needed something that really spoke to who Ronan was/is. This is what our amazing friends at Fervor Creative came up with after many meetings with us and many do overs. (pro bono might I add because they have such beautiful hearts) I think they nailed it this time as it shows the beauty, strength and bravery that Ronan had, in such a simple way. How no matter what, you always keep walking up that hill and fighting, and even in death, you wont stop fighting for a world that so badly needs to be fixed which is the world of childhood cancer. Looking at this makes me proud, it makes me cry, it makes me strong. After everything Ronan went through, he always held his little chin up with such dignity and pride. At 3 years old, he was such a little man who never felt sorry for himself or let what he was going through get him down. He was my greatest teacher in life and will continue to be as I carry him with me in everything I do. I love you, Ronan. I will never stop fighting for you and this fucked up world of childhood cancer that everybody just seems to ignore. We will change this, because of you. I hope you all like our new Ronan Thompson Foundation design. @ronanfoundation #ronan My favorite place to be on a Friday night. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #fridaynightsnuggles #mybabe It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. #ronan #myneighboriscrazierthanyours #thisgoesoneveryday #neighborhoodproblems #movingtoiceland
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