Ronan. This is what happens when I am in this city. I feel alive once again. It’s the only place that I really feel this way. Away from the blinding bright sun. From all those fake plastic shiny trees. It’s only here that I feel like I belong. Where I can walk the streets for hours on end, at anytime of the day or night and I feel so alive. Where I can go to dinners with strangers and have the most stimulating conversations. This city that is so full of substance that it leaves me feeling fulfilled in a way that I don’t feel back at home. Back at home, a lot is missing. The biggest thing being you. I am making a 5 year escape plan. Well, I am making an escape plan. I’m not sure what that looks like as of now, but I have some ideas. I won’t leave AZ permanently as of now, for a couple of reasons. But I know I need to start thinking of some other options, so I don’t constantly feel like I am suffocating. I am very thankful for these breaks every once in a while. I am very thankful for the friend that I have here, that just lets me stay in her apartment when she is not using it. I could not having the guilt of spending money on an expensive hotel when I know I should be using it elsewhere as in doing things for you and your foundation. These breaks help to rejuvenate my soul and help to give me a little mental break. When I come here, there is no T.V. blaring. There is not a lot of answering the phone. There is no computer time. I tend to unplug from everything. It’s the alone time that I very much need. I cry a lot. Alone. It’s an emotional release that feels o.k. I like that I don’t have to hide my tears here. I like that I can cry and not worry who is looking over my shoulder, worrying about me. Sometimes, I just need a break from everything. Including my very supportive, very loving husband who just wants to constantly make sure I am o.k. and fix everything. Who I am so lucky to have, but even I know I need a break from the, “Are you o.k.’s.” “What can I do, to help?” “I’m here for you’s.” Sometimes I just need my badass solo time where I know nothing will ever be o.k. and I am strong enough to take my alone time to deal with that. The way that I need to deal with that, even if that just means getting lost on the subway for a couple of hours. I always do my best thinking and planning in this city. As I said before, I feeds my soul. I also always feel super close to you when I am here, which you know I love.
I Love You to the Moon and Back
Yesterday, oh yesterday. Where do I begin? It was a busy day. It was a packed day. I had a lot crammed in to yesterday. I ran down to SoHo to meet someone for lunch. I had a couple of other meetings as well. I took the subway like that typical New Yorker girl that I have become. Someone even asked me for directions yesterday and I knew right where to tell them to go. That made me smile. I never know what the days are going to bring here which is one of the reasons I love it so much. I got a call from the Katie Couric show. They wanted me to come down to the studio around 4. Also, something had changed in regards to the show I was supposed to tape next Monday, October 22nd. I returned the phone call to Katie’s oh so lovely producer. “What can do to get you to stay in New York and tape your segment, this Monday?” I listened to her tell me what was going on, what had changed, how the show the I was originally scheduled to be on, had become so filled up with other things that Katie was not happy as she wanted our story to have enough air time. I tried to put all the pieces to the puzzle into place as far as what I needed to do, on my end. I know this is the way this insane world of television works. Everything can change in an instant. I called your daddy to ask him if he could please drop everything he had on Monday, to come out here with me. He had a packed day, but of course he made it work. So now, instead of taping the show next Monday, I will be taping it THIS Monday, October 15th.
I got to Katie’s studio around 4 p.m. I met with her producer and a few other people. I was not sure of what all I was to be prepared for. That’s one of the other things about this world… sometimes things just get thrown your way and you have to just roll with them. After chatting for a bit, I was feeling pretty comfortable. They told me they wanted to do a little interview but I had no idea of how intense it was going to be. I was taken into a small office with three twenty something year old boys. At least they looked to be about 20. They hooked me up to a mic, camera on, closed the door and I sat as they started setting everything up. At one point I think I said something like, “This is weird.” They all chuckled a little bit and said, “You’ve been interviewed before, though.” I said, “Yes, but not like this.” The next hour or what felt like 4 hours was an emotional roller coaster. I was not prepared for the questions. Questions that I think about all the time, but when I have to put my actual feelings into words, I sometimes have a hard time doing so. I did the best I could do. To break down in a room with three boys whom I have never met before in my life, left me feeling so vulnerable in the most vulnerable of situations. I, being the mom on the other end of the camera, sobbing over having lost something that can never be replaced. I did my best to talk about you, which is still so hard for me to do because my pain is still so raw and fresh. I had to stop a few times. They were asking about the dates of things and you know I cannot remember those things to save my life. My grief brain is still so very present that I often feel as if I have Alzheimer’s or something. After the interview I felt shaky but put on my best face to finish up what I had to do. The people that are working for the Katie Couric show could not be nicer or more accommodating. I got to see some of the behind the scenes stuff which was very fun and one of the boys, Josh, who was showing me around was absolutely delightful. It was a nice way to end a very hard interview. I left the Katie show and realized I was starving. I found myself in a little diner, all alone, drowning my sorrows in some french fucking toast. I sat texting your Mr. Sparkly Eyes like mad. I told him about my afternoon, he could tell how shaken up I was and simply sent me a text back saying, “Go easy.” I replied back with, “What does that mean? Go easy on the French Toast? I’m about to stab it to death. Or go easy on myself? You know I’m always my toughest critic.” He said, “Yourself, please.” Fine Sparkly. You win. I stopped stabbing the french toast and inhaled it instead. I went back to my little apartment and did my best to unwind. I fell asleep easily like I always do here.
Today, I met up with one of my little angels who floats around this city. We had the loviest of lovely lunches where I got to tell her thank you from the bottom of my heart for so many things. I have not spent much time with this angel on earth. We had a lunch full of so many, “Oh my gosh moments,” that I was so blown away once again, by all the people that you are placing in our lives. We talked a lot about life, death and souls. She is one of the few people who looked at me, bent down and kissed my belly and told me, “Maya, I cannot imagine how hard this pregnancy is for you. You are still a grieving mom, yet you have another life inside of you. That is so much to take on.” I was blown away. She doesn’t read this blog, yet she totally got it in a way that most people do not. That just shows me how connected she is to not only her own soul, but other people’s around her as well. It’s not often that I am truly surprised by people. Today, was one of those days. Our lunch was quick but so fulfilling. I left there once again, being inspired to do great things, just by the company that I was in. This person has made herself an incredible life and she has done it all with those two little secrets that I have mentioned before. Substance and passion. I’ve will say this for the rest of my life. If you have those two things in your life, the world can be your oyster. Once we parted ways, I was on a mission to find my outfit for the Katie show. It took me a few hours, but I think I found something that will look pretty cute. I’m at that really awkward stage of being pregnant where I either look pregnant or just really, really bloated. That should be fun on national television. I’m not too worried about it because it is what it is. Poppy is popping and I will just be thankful for this little one that seems to be growing by the day. I had somebody say to me the other night, “If this is a girl, how are you not going to name her Poppy?” I just said, “I don’t know. I’ve fallen in love with that name. It makes me smile.” I think Poppy Thompson is such a darling name. We will cross that bridge, when we come to it. I went to Bloomingdale’s for my little shopping adventure with also a side plan too. I did what I always do when I am in the city and go to Bloomie’s just to eat at 40 carrots where I always used to take you. I sat at the bar and ordered my food as I was starved. Some older lady came and sat right down next to me and proceeded to scream into her cell phone the entire time I was eating. Granted, the restaurant was loud but that was from all the patrons, enjoying themselves. Not from them RUDELY talking on their cell phones. The lady proceeded to scream into her phone and say things like, “You didn’t call me out of love. You called me to ask something of me! Did you watch the Debates? What kind of an idiot would vote for Obama again? He’s ruining our country! If you want to drive in my fancy car with me, then you do not just get to text on your cell phone the entire time! Learn some respect!” OHMYFUCKINGGOD. The lady went on the entire time I was eating. I so wanted to reach over, snatch the cell phone out of her and throw it across the room. I pictured myself saying, “EXCUSE ME! I’m trying to eat my Fr-Yo, with my dead son, and you are ruining EVERYTHING!” I didn’t though. I sat quietly and tried my best to tune her out. At one point I was doing my best to eat our frozen yogurt and the tears just started pouring. I quickly wiped them away, while trying my best to make sure my throat didn’t close up so I could swallow our favorite tasty treat. I was so sad, sitting there alone, without you. I finished my meal. Paid and got out of there not without looking for you around every corner. Not without remembering every spot we sat, stood and I took your picture. I remembered it all, so vividly.
I’m home now. Tucked away, safe and sound. Exhausted from the day, but thankful to be here, in this city. I love it like no other. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Goodnight my little spicy monkey boy. Sweet dreams. I love you to the moon and back.
Posted by rockstarronan on October 16, 2012