You’re Having Headaches?? O.k. We’ll Go Get an MRI.


Ronan. I did a lot of things today. It was a productive day, to say the least. I LOVE my productive days the best when they are fueled by you, you and you. Always by you. I didn’t sleep well last night due to just normal stuff that deal with a lot now. It was much easier in my Ambien is the Devil pill popping days, when I could just say fuck everything and go into a black coma for hours. I gave that up long ago and although I am so very glad, I can’t say that I sometimes don’t miss the convince of it. I know the after effects of that little pill are just not worth it for me though as they usually involve me wanting to slit my wrists. I’d rather just deal with the insomnia.

I sat with your Sparkly for a long time today. I was frustrated about some things. Sad about some things. I go to my best non judgmental friend, for the best advice. I spatted out the things that were wrong. Nothing major. But my feelings were hurt over something silly. I was feeling sad about you. Guilty about this baby. A little family trouble too. A invitation came my way. A maybe trip to New York. I sat and talked with him about all of these things. I’ll sum up for you, what I got told in a nutshell which went a little something like this.

“Please don’t lost sight of it what it is, you are doing and why you are doing it. I don’t think that you will, but promise me, you won’t. You know the reason you are doing all of this. The only reason you are doing all of this. Keep focused the way you have been. Do not let all of this attention, change anything.”

“They don’t know the real you. These people that you are letting your feelings get hurt by. They only know what they read and the few times they have met you. I know the real you. You are so smart. You are brave. You are kind. You are outgoing yet introverted. You are shy with certain situations. You are so strong. They don’t know your childhood and what you have been through, which I know is a big part of what makes you, you. People want to see you fail. It’s ugly human nature. What you are doing is unlike anything anyone has ever done before. I really think you are going to completely change this world, darling. You already have, and you are only getting started. Look at all you’ve done. Maya. Who else in this world can walk around with Fuck You Cancer bracelets on their wrists and get away with it?”

I just replied, “No one. But maybe that’s because they just haven’t tried.”

He just looked at me and said, “Exactly. That is exactly what makes you so different. You did that. You did that within weeks of Ronan being diagnosed. You turned that into your thing, which is a metaphor for everything you are doing. You did it without caring, you did it because that is what you felt, you did it with your head held high and now look where you are. You were handed the shittiest situation in life. You could have given up a long time ago, but you stayed true to being honest and vocal about everything you are going through. Nobody does that. That scares the shit out of people. As much as I wish this wasn’t the hand you were dealt, this is your calling. Whether it be by God or whoever else is out there, you were given this because you will change this in a way that nobody else has.”

Tears started welling up at this point in his eyes. “Now I’m going to start crying.” I looked down at the ground. “Why? I said. “Please don’t cry. Please.” I watched the tears form in his eyes.

“Why…. because I’m sad, for you but so proud as well. I wish this wasn’t your story, I wish this wasn’t Ro.”
“I know.” I said. “I know.”

I told him about my New York adventure. Secret side Maya mission. He told me to book my flight. I will. Another little gift, from you that just fell in my lap and since I am such a believer in signs and timing, I am going out to our favorite city to pursue what it is, that is maybe in the works. See you in a few weeks, NYC.

This week has flown by with so many things happening. We totally won 50k from the Chase Grant contest!!!! We entered it so late, but thanks to all of you supporting us by voting and telling everyone you know to vote, we won!!!! We are all so excited, proud and thankful. A special thanks to my dear friend, Melissa for taking the lead on this little last minute project for us. Without her, this would have never happened. I truly am surrounded by the greatest people. I am so lucky in that regard.

My friend Katie let me have a little trunk show at her store last night with my “Spicy Monkey,” bracelets. We had such a turn out and I was so happy to finally meet some of my very best Ro lovers out there. Your Poppy has had me wiped out, but I powered through last night and it was a huge success. Thank you to everyone who came out to see me. I loved listening to you talk about Ronan. It makes my heart a lot less sad to listen to your stories of how he has inspired and changed you. I am so lucky to be your mama, Ro baby. You are doing the most amazing things in this world still. I miss you so much.

Last night left me feeling like I had been run over by a truck today. I had a lot to do and got through some things, only to come home so sick and tired. I fell into bed for a few hours. I didn’t want to, but I knew today I didn’t have a choice. Guess where I spent this evening. At PCH with Quinn getting an MRI. You know, because of his headaches, I am still convinced he has a brain tumor. It is so mentally exhausting to live in this world. This world of being overly paranoid about anything and everything. We will know in the morning if anything showed up. Your favorite PCH lovie called me before the MRI. “I’ll be there in the morning and I’ll call you first thing. I promise you, there is nothing there.” I responded with, “You’re telling me that I can sleep tonight?” He said, “Yes. Please sleep tonight. I promise, everything is fine.” “O.k.” I said. “I’ll believe you.” I am sure he is fine, but as you know, I can’t live in a world where I’m not 100% sure. Between last night and today, I feel like I need a major vacation… from life. Do you know where I can go for that? I do. But that’s not my call.

I had an ultra sound this week as well. I think I sat and cried most of my appointment. My nurse asked how I was feeling. I respond with sick, tired, and really, really sad. This led to about a 30 minute conversation about you. She knew a little bit about our story, but not the details. I told her most of our story, as best I could without choking on my words. It’s still hard for me to talk about everything we went though. The scariness of it. The darkness. The blind hope being ripped from my arms in the form of losing you. How everything spiraled out of control so quickly. How I didn’t even realize you were dying because I was so convinced my love would save you. We talked about this new baby and I told her that I’m not excited yet. I saw Dr. Schwartz who I think might be one of the most amazing women on the planet. She talks about you a lot which means so much to me. She told me how excited she was to see my name on the schedule and that I was pregnant again. She said she thinks everyone is so excited about this baby. I do too. I know there will come a point where I am as well. But right now, I just miss you so much.

That was my week in a nutshell, Ro. I’m tired from being a PCH tonight. I couldn’t go back in the MRI room with Quinn due to being pregnant. The memories of you, being in there came flooding back. Within hours, our whole life turned into a nightmare. Please let everything be alright with Quinny. I could not survive something like this again. I’m going to try to get some sleep now. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

;

Little hands, little feet, and I swear I see a Poppy smile!

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52 Comments

  1. Beautiful Maya, Quinn is going to be fine – Ro won’t let anything happen to him. I’m so glad the night at Garage went so well – would’ve loved to be there xo

    Reply
  2. kristina

     /  September 21, 2012

    Congratulations!!! I’m so happy you guys won!

    Reply
  3. Ally

     /  September 21, 2012

    What you’re doing is beautiful. You are the strongest person I’ve ever come to know, over the Internet, or in real life. You and Ronan inspire and break my heart at the same time. I’m only 17 years old, but I feel empathy for you as I read the words you write and tears just pour. Life isn’t fair. Fuck cancer. Ronan was a fighter, Maya, and you are too. I am so sure that you and Ronan will change lives. Why? Because you already have and will continue to do so. Congratulations on winning 50,000. If anybody will put it to good use, it’s you. You get it. You get what so many people don’t and what I didn’t get until I became immersed in your world through this blog.

    I would just like to say thank you. Thank you for being the most incredible mom. Thank you for being an advocate. Thank you for making the difference. You’re going to do big things, whether you consciously try or not. I bought my rockstar Ronan shirt and will proudly be wearing it at an upcoming light the night walk for cancer. I will be walking for Ronan.

    “Just keep swimming” …you can do it, and you will. You and Ronan have all my support and love.

    Reply
    • Amy

       /  September 22, 2012

      I’ve got 10 years on you Ally and couldn’t have said it better myself. We’re all behind you Maya, feeling the RoLove!

      Reply
  4. Katie A.

     /  September 21, 2012

    I love you!

    Reply
  5. I didn’t realize you won the Chase contest. That’s great news. I told everyone I knew to vote. Hopefully everyone signs up on Facebook and Twitter so they can just vote on things like this. No excuse for not doing that much at least.

    Reply
  6. Lauren

     /  September 21, 2012

    You amaze me more everytime I read your blog! You keep your head up through everything! You are fighting for a great cause and yes you are making a huge difference in many people’s lives! Thank you for that. I’m glad your baby is doing good. And your baby boy Quinn will be okay. You have been through so much and so has your family. All you have to do is stick together. I wil pray for your family and Quinn. Don’t stop fighting! I have never met you but I wih I could because you INSPIRE ME!
    -Take care and keep your head up, you have a lot of people cheering you on! :)

    Reply
  7. Leidy

     /  September 21, 2012

    What an amazing little miracle you are carrying. I live in Alaska and they played ‘Ronan’ on the radio today you have no idea how far and wide your story has gone to change even more lives. Now where do I get the fuck you cancer bracelets?!

    Reply
  8. Sonia Alfaro Sullivan

     /  September 21, 2012

    Maya, my heart breaks for you. I have two boys and they are 20 and 24. The thought of loosing one of them makes me sick to my stomach. FUCK CANCER! This I know, that your little baby is safe. When he arrived there where tons of your past relatives waiting for him and they all took him in gave him kisses till he pushed them away because he is a little boy and he knew he was safe. He is being cared for because he is a baby and all those other spirits know what to do. I love you Maya and my heart breaks for you……..but your baby is safe.

    Reply
  9. Reading what you posted tonight is heartbreaking. Knowing that there are those out there hoping that you fail to fulfill your promise to Ro because of jealousy, or pettiness, or spite, just makes me wonder what is wrong with some people in this world?

    Woody is completely right… those of us that haven’t grown up with you, or been a part of your family or your closest friends, really only know you from what you have written here and on Facebook. We don’t know the pain and anguish that you have suffered through.

    What we do know is that you made this promise to your little man, and you are not going to fail. You will keep changing direction, taking the opportunities that present themselves and creating others when none existed. You and Ro will change the world, and you will help save other families from suffering as you continue to suffer.

    I hope that everything is fine with Quinn, and that the Gold Party Rocks!

    Reply
  10. Jessica

     /  September 21, 2012

    Dear Maya:

    Ever since I looked up the song “Ronan” on Itunes I’ve been stuck here on your blog. I’ve cried a lot. . .but there’s no way I could stop reading. I am so incredibly touched by your story and Ronan’s story. Until I read your blog, I was one of those ignorant people you mention that complain about stupid things and didn’t really know anything about childhood cancer. When I read the horrible pain that Ronan had to go through and how you were there for him during all those terrible hospital days, it woke me up to the real world. And I kind of wanted to run from it because it’s so gruesome, what happens to these children. But I couldn’t and I won’t. There’s something about your baby’s beautiful blue eyes that sucks me in and makes me want to DO SOMETHING, anything. I watched the video of Ro telling you he loves you, and it made me cry so much. I wish there was something I could do to just take away a little bit of the pain that you’ve been going through ever since Ronan left. I know that you have so much attention now due to Taylor’s song, and I’m sorry that one of those people hurt your feelings. Everything Woody said was true. I felt so angry when I read your blog posts about those people who told you absolutely ridiculous things like “it was God’s plan” or whatever. That is THE STUPIDEST THING I’VE EVER HEARD. No matter what your religious beliefs are, I think that’s a very cruel thing to say. I just wanted to leave you with a comforting thought from the Bible if that’s okay with you. “And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore. The former things have passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)

    I am sure that Quinn is totally fine, but I understand why you feel paranoid now and I know I would feel the same if I were in your shoes. I’m very happy about your little Poppy, and I know for sure that you will be too in good time. It’s completely understandable for you to not have a real connection yet as you are still grieving. So don’t feel guilty.

    My prayers are with you, Woody, Quinn, and Liam. Dear Ronan is truly the bravest, most BEAUTIFUL boy who lived. He is no longer in pain or distress.

    Love from Jessica

    Reply
  11. Glenda

     /  September 21, 2012

    RoMama,
    First praying that Quinn is fine. Ro will watch him.
    Second it was an honor meeting you. Finally! :) I felt like I’ve known you forever i felt rhis connection
    I see why Ronan is a Rockstar and romazing. He gets it from his RoMama! Your Spicy Monkey! Your Lil Brad Pitt. thanks for sharing him with all of us!!! You have big dreams. Don’t let the haters bring you down!!! Stay focused. What you are doing is for Ro. You are doing big things!!! So excited about your trip to NYC!!!

    Mayasmafia!!! Right here behind you. Always RoLove!!! XO

    Reply
  12. Ditto to what Ally said. And I’m so bummed we couldn’t go to the Garage last night. I’m on chemo this week. We will swing by next week and hopefully Katie will still have some Spicy Monkey bracelets left?? The boys think they are “awesome”, and I agree! And Mr. Sparkly is completely SPOT ON. Love you, Maya!

    Reply
  13. Anne

     /  September 22, 2012

    Adding Quinny to my prayers tonight. It’s gonna be okay mama. Major hugs and deep breaths!! xoxo

    Reply
  14. Erin ODonnell

     /  September 22, 2012

    Maya, you inspire. Love of a mother is so
    powerful. Powerful enough to change the
    world. Your honest words and ability to share
    your pain ….it’s incredible. Ronan, beautiful
    boy, you and your mama are unforgettable .
    You have made a home in the hearts and souls of so many. I am filled with thoughts of
    you. Why? What can I do to change this? How can I help? That’s happening all over this country. A chain reaction of love. people all over, For Ronan. No more underground sadness. Rip off the mask. Fuckin cancer has no right to take our precious children. I’m not wandering around clueless anymore. Maya, I really really think the world of you. God bless.

    Reply
  15. phaedralbh

     /  September 22, 2012

    Quinn WILL be fine and I love how you get your boys checked bc that’s what parents need to do. And I LOVE that little Poppy photo! Hopefully there are some bracelets to buy at the Gold party since I missed them last night!

    Reply
  16. sharon

     /  September 22, 2012

    Sending you love from Ireland Maya, thinking of you & your beautiful family xx

    Reply
  17. Kristine

     /  September 22, 2012

    Woohoo about the contest! I just know you are going to do big things! Please let us know when you are planning on coming to NYC (a little nervous you won’t see this since you don’t go back and re-read anything). But please Maya! I’m a HUGE childhood cancer advocate and I feel the way you do. No one understands or gets it. I don’t get it like you and Ro but trust me I GET IT! I WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE AND I WILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE! I would love to meet you and NYC is about a 4 hour trip for me but I’ll do it! I’ve emailed you but never had responses, maybe after my big Monday run and awareness that I plan on pulling off (as long as I’m not arrested), I’ll send you pics and you can see how dedicated I am! Keep going Maya, BIG things are going to happen I can feel it!

    Reply
  18. Ron

     /  September 22, 2012

    Dear Maya,
    I only know about you and your story from this blog and instagram. I am also a cancer parent. You are inspiration to all of us. Your frankness is a breath of fresh air when we feel that being politically correct is the only way we should be in this situation. Thank you for sharing your story and helping spread the word for all of us. Your words & deeds are helping all of us. No matter what you do or what you say, I believe in what you are doing. You will NOT fail! There are too many people that you haven’t met that believe in you. Don’t listen to those people that are against you. They don’t matter. This cause matters. Ronan’s story is what matters. You are a special person.

    Reply
  19. I’m new to your blog but spent hours reading your whole story. I rarely comment on anything but when I read that people are hurting your feelings I wanted to scream ‘fuck them’! Shame on anyone who would judge you in ANYWAY! This is your journey and it is both heartbreaking and inspiring! No one has a right to tell you how to walk your journey or how to feel! I know it’s easier said than done but try to ignore stupid people. You and Ronan have inspired sooooo many! Focus on that :) I have had the worst year of my life but after hearing your story and how brave Ronan was I now choose to press on and live like a rockstar! God bless you for being real!!!!!!!

    Reply
  20. A Kansas mom

     /  September 22, 2012

    Congrats on the 50k win! What great proof of the continued support from those who have been following you and Ronan’s story. It is these dedicated Maya/Ronan fans that you can count on fuck those that try to do anything other than that! You have turned your pain into something amazing. Not everyone can say they have the strength to accomplish all that you have. You and Ronan are such inspirations to so many! Now where can I get bracelets for my daughter and I?

    Reply
  21. krystal

     /  September 22, 2012

    Im so inspired by your honesty i hope all is well

    Reply
  22. Samantha

     /  September 22, 2012

    Maya….. Keep your head up girl. You and Ronan have inspired MANY people. How do I know? Because I’m one of those inspired people! My heart pours out to you and your family, but your Ro baby continues to do amazing things! Only time will tell how much you guys will do but you have so many people backing you please don’t let negative people bring you down. Congrats on the $50K so happy for you!

    Sending love from NC…. Prayers for Quin everything shows he’s perfect :)

    Reply
  23. I totally get your emotions about the new baby. I got pregnant 6 months after Alexander died. It took me a LONG time to get excited (also hard to be excited with your head over the toilet so I feel your pain there too!)
    Once the baby is born, the excitement will come! (of course so will a ton of other emotions too)

    keep up the great work in the fight against STUPID CANCER

    Reply
  24. Jaime

     /  September 22, 2012

    Prayers for Quinn!! And for you too! Sweet little picture of your “poppy”!! Best wishes as always and much love to you all!

    Reply
  25. Karen

     /  September 22, 2012

    Maya,
    What a beautiful name! I just came across your blog yesterday and tore through all of your post in one afternoon. Your real life story is heart wrenching, but also really makes one think very deeply on why life must take such a terrible turn; there has to be a purpose to it all. A child like Ro cannot be created, given as a gift and taken away so quickly without some purpose. As I worked my way through your post and realized all the people that you have collected on the way (the hits climbed by thousands in the first couple of hours), the funding you received for future victims of this all consuming, life changing disease, and reading how it brought a community, friends and family together to support your devasted life, I came to a full realization that Ro’s life was short lived but God gave him a purpose that few of us are granted or worthly of.
    I do realize that this may be of little comfort for your broken heart at times, which is totally understandable, but Ro’s short life far exceeded so many others that have gone before him and are still to come. That said, I also believe God didn’t just single out Ro as extra special, he also chose a mother that could get the job done after Ro finished his earthly journey. You have done a wonderful job continuing to work on Ro’s mission.
    Do you have a right to continue to question this whole earthly process and your personal loss? You bet you do! Do you have a right to still be angry on occasion? You bet you do!
    Your healing will and should only be between your heart and mind as you continue to find your way through your grieving process. However long that takes is for no one but you to dictate.
    One last note: Loss can never take away what resides deep within one’s heart.

    Reply
  26. Maya, I could use a ‘Sparkly’ like yours right about now.

    Stay strong in you!! Be Well!!!

    Many of us who have lived your life….are living your life are proud of you and all you are doing. We are behind you and wishing you good health, love, safety and Success.

    Lisa
    mom to Melina forever 13

    Reply
  27. brenda

     /  September 22, 2012

    Your little “poppy” is already beautiful! Sending prayers and the best thoughts Quinn’s way! Congrats on the 50K, I am sure you will do amazing things with it. We can’t wait to see all the wonderful things you and Ro will do for this world. And for all of your “haters” out there who are wishing you to fail and don’t understand what you are doing…. SHAME ON THEM!!!!

    Reply
  28. Mom too

     /  September 22, 2012

    I thank Mr Sparkley eyes. He is a great friend and confidant to you. Bless him and his big heart. Hugs to Quinn and Liam as well.

    Reply
  29. Terri

     /  September 22, 2012

    I think baby bunnies are the cutest little animal in the world. I think my 2 granddaughters are the cutest little girls in the world. And I think your Ronan is the cutest little boy in the world! When I look at all your pictures of him, I totally melt. His baby pictures take my breath away and his little voice on the videos…priceless. Even in sickness that little man was a picture of beauty. Thank you for sharing this part of your lives with us. I hope it gives you peace knowing that precious little being lives in the hearts of so many people. Woody is right when he tells you that you and Ronan will change the world….you already have. I hope Quinn’s tests come back ok….I will keep him in my thoughts. I will keep all of you in my thoughts. And many hugs and love coming your way.

    Reply
  30. Gramma

     /  September 22, 2012

    Thank you for all you are doing, Maya. We desperately need your efforts as our grandson was diagnosed with NB on the same day as Ronan. He was 27 mos. old, now 4 y.o. It felt like they were buddies, going through similar treatments at similar times. When I read that Ro had seen Dr. Mosse, I was so happy because our little guy has also seen her & loved her. I was devastated with her news for you and not surprised that she took the time to speak with you directly. The woman is one of the best people on earth. Our baby’s NB has moved into the resistant type, nothing working to reduce the presence and only minimally slowing the spread.

    Please Maya, when you feel down, remember all the little ones still hoping for a change in this fucking disease. Let them energize you, adding their voices to Ronan’s. We are sending love and hope to you, hoping to strengthen the protective bubble that Ro and those closest to you try to provide against the ignorance and the pain that you face. Thank you for also taking care of yourself. Sometimes people on a mission forget to rest & recharge. Your self-nurturing is critical for you, your family, and this fight you have courageously engaged. With enormous love and respect. Gramma

    Reply
  31. Lauren

     /  September 22, 2012

    Maya,

    You are such a beautiful woman, mother, friend, advocate, writer, creative being. You are super human, woman! I have read your blog and wept for you and your loss countless times. It breaks my heart to pieces and I never even met your Spicy Monkey. However, because of you and this blog that you have shared with us, we all get the pleasure of knowing Ronan and that is such a gift. I know that it is unbearable to even hear that their could be any sort of reason for all of this. None would be good enough. However, I can’t help but look into your baby’s eyes and see that he was destined to change this world. Those big blue eyes are like none I have every seen. I don’t look at him and see just a little boy, I see someone who is not of this world. I see an angel. I know your going “shut up he was supposed to be here with me” and you are so right, he was. Because I truly believe that you are an angel too! I believe God designed you for Ronan and Ronan for you. There’s no two souls better matched in this world. And there’s no two souls who are more capable of being able to change and possibly end childhood cancer. That’s not God’s doing, the cancer thing, he wants it to end so badly. He doesn’t want another baby to be taken from their mother. He needs someone who will be willing to fight for him, for their own baby and for all of the other babes in the world who do not deserve to suffer like Ronan did. It’s sick. But it’s also so evident that you are the person he finds worthy enough to carry out this mission. You can do it Maya! You can end this sick fucking disease. (Yes, I say God and fuck. Sorry!) My thoughts and prayers and support are with you! And I cannot wait for the day when you and Ronan are together again for eternity in heaven, a place where no disease and suffering exist. The place that I believe you will go and be with your Ro-baby and live in peace and love together forever. Your love for each other transcends this world and will change this world.

    God bless!

    Reply
  32. Hazel O Callaghan

     /  September 22, 2012

    Maya, I’m new to your blog, your story. It’s moved me in ways I cannot explain. Ive only been reading since I heard Taylors song and the background to it two weeks ago, all the way in Ireland:-) I think you are the most inspiriational person I have ever come across. And while on a trip with my son today I drove through a place in Dublin I had never heard of…called Ronanstown. Made my day:-)

    Reply
  33. I am so glad you won the Chase contest, I voted! Not everybody out there wants to see you fail, I keep following your blog because I want to see what you are going to accomplish next. Keep doing what you are doing, your “Sparkly” friend sounds like he knows you really well and is giving you good advice. Saying prayers for Quinn…

    Reply
  34. Praying all is well with Quinn’s MRI. It has to be ok. I got my Rockstar Ronan bracelets in the mail today. I needed them. A little boy you may remember, Ty, is not doing well. I’ve been praying for him everyday and hoping beyond hope for a miracle and that his story may have a happy ending. Between Ty, Ronan, and my friend’s son, Liam – my eyes have been opened wide to the beast that is childhood cancer and I will do all I can to help spread awareness to others. I pray for the day when more $$ will be spent on research and that maybe they can find treatments that will offer kids a better prognosis. The outcomes now are just unacceptable. FU Cancer. Forever in our hearts Rockstar Ronan. God Bless SuperTy. Liamstrong always.

    Reply
  35. christineferguson624397040

     /  September 22, 2012

    I think I see a little smile too. ;)

    Reply
  36. Jess

     /  September 22, 2012

    I read your blogs…..most of the time, with teeth gritting anger, and eyes full of tears. I am angry for you…and your loss. Having sweet blue eyed lovies of my own, i know the love of a mother and son…..and you have, by your words made me realize how absolutely blessed i am for each moment with them. I knew it before learning about your story,, but now it’s like i woke up….and took note….
    Your sweet boys have a very awesome mom and i am in awe of your strength. The work you do, Ronans story…it’s helping others in so many ways, you have no idea of all the little ways….. Thank you and rest when you can for that sweet little bun in your oven.

    Reply
  37. T Martin

     /  September 22, 2012

    Another chance to nominate Maya and Ronan and the Foundation for a grant – http://www.makers.com/nextmakers?ncid=bannadusmake00000017

    Submit your story or nominate a trailblazing woman in your life whom you believe is the Next MAKER. Is she a role model? An activist? A groundbreaker? A first in her field?

    MAKERS & Simple invite you to share her story with us.

    Six (6) finalists will be invited to shoot an interview that will be featured on MAKERS.com, and attend an intimate dinner with MAKERS in New York City. Simple will also award each finalist a $10,000 grant.

    Reply
  38. T B Martin

     /  September 23, 2012

    I do not know how to “get this out” so I am putting it here in the hope that someone who does can take it and run with it like they did the Chase award. Let’s all nominate Maya and Ronan for MAKERS: NATIONWIDE SEARCH FOR WOMEN WHO ARE TRANSFORMING AMERICA! Maya and Ronan are transforming America – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ACXlXIIu9w Another $10,000 grant for Ronan’s Foundation and the cancer fight is only waiting for your nominations.

    Reply
  39. Melissa Kendzierski

     /  September 23, 2012

    Maya, my heart continues to break for you. I don’t even know you personally but I cry every time I think of little Ro and his story and now your story. I pray at night for you, that you have the love and support that you need, and that this new baby is born happy, healthy, and strong. Don’t feel guilty about this little babe; Ro sent him/her! :) Please stay strong, the best that you can, for your family, this new baby, and for Ro! He wants it that way! And congrats on the $50,000 towards his foundation….I voted too!

    Reply
  40. Lisa

     /  September 23, 2012

    OMG I am so very happy Ronan’s foundation won that money. I started reading your blog when I heard Taylor Swift’s song about Ronan and sat there and cried my eyes out. I can’t imagine any parent going through what you and your family have. I have vowed to get Childhood Cancer recognized more than it is. I had no idea it was the least funded until I started reading your blog. It hurts me so much that children are put last. I was at an event in Charlotte NC yesterday. There was a booth set up for cancer research and they were taking donations. I asked the lady did they have a research program for Children. By the look in her eyes I knew the answer was no before she said it. I was told they were working on one. I then said when you get one email me and I will make a donation. I am not being mean but just saying. I am not putting the research they do down but we also need this for children. I am going to email them and let them know I am very disappointed. Maya your blog has touched me more than anything I’ve ever read. I am determined to help get awareness out there. Love to you and your family..

    Lisa

    Reply
  41. Mary Sun Suhr

     /  September 23, 2012

    Hi Maya! I’m new commenting but I think I’ve read most of your blogs. The story of Ro really shocked and saddened me. I don’t have kids (I’m only 14) and I don’t have brothers or sisters, but I do heard lot of stories and I also have my two little cousins, that are my life, and it’s really scaring me, how I’m seeing more cases of child cancers, and I wish I could do something, but from my distance and my age , I am unable, I can only vote, and send my faith, my hopes and best wishes for you…
    I think you are an incredible woman and you are a big example of strenght.
    It’s understandable that you’re scared by the ghost of Ro’s sickness, but you will see that everything will be just OK with Quinn..
    By the other way I’m really happy that you are making progress with the foundation! and I also must to congratulate you for the new baby, you might feel guilty, or sad with him, but when he hold your fingers with his small hand by the first time, you won’t feel like that anymore.He(or she) is a little angel sent by Ro for you…
    I’m sorry if I have some mistakes on my writing, but english is not my native language
    Best wishes…
    Mary
    P.D: don’t pay attention to the haters, there has always been bad and unconscious people in the world, don’t let they bring you down!

    Reply
  42. Jamie

     /  September 23, 2012

    I don’t understand who would want to see you fail. That’s just cruel and plain bullshit. You have so many people that believe in you and the greatness that both you and Ro are about to create, that you have been creating from day one, please pay no attention to those ridiculous fucks that try to bring you down. I say it every day, you and Ro are making things happen. I will forever be sorry that you lost your sweet Ronan, but admire your strength to do what you are doing.
    Take care Maya!!
    -Jamie

    Reply
  43. Hi Maya,

    On saturday night I sat chatting with my 16 year old son and he asked me if i had heard Taylor Swift’s song Ronan. When i replied that i hadn’t he made me listen to it and told me a bit of the background story. I asked him to direct me to your blog and there i sat until 1.30 am. reading and crying.
    You suffered through every mothers nightmare. And you didn’t sugar coat any of your responses to the ordeal. You ranted and you raved and you screamed and you cursed. It was real and all the more heartbreaking.
    I remember seeing a french movie years ago called Three Colors Blue”. its still one of my favourite movies. It depicted grief in such a powerful way that I’ve never forgotten it.
    I won’t forget your blog in a hurry either.
    This child will give you great joy and all the things you feel about her are real and significant and when she is here you will feel different. I know i did. Although my reasons are different to yours I didn’t feel i could love my next child as much as id loved my first two but i did and i do. She was my completion.
    Whenever I feel like I’m a bad mother or person because i did this or said that, i remember
    “But look at what Ive created”. All three are my testimony.
    All four of yours are your testimony.

    Thats all I wanted to say. I have more but the rest sounds too much like a cliche.
    Love to you from Melbourne Australia

    Reply
  44. I’ve been thinking of Quinn all day…sending positive thoughts and love his way <3 Your Poppy is so adorable, I am SO happy for you, even if you are not, yet…you will be! Babies are infectious that way. Love you, always thinking of you, ALWAYS RO!!!!

    Reply
  45. I honestly cannot understand why anyone on earth would want you to fail Maya. You and Ronan are amazing.

    So great about winning the $50,000 from Chase!!

    My thoughts and prayers are for nothing but a good report about Quinn. Everytime either of my living children get sick I am paranoid that something will happen to them. No matter what I tell myself I can’t stop my mind from going to the worst possible place because we have already been there twice. I have already buried 2 sons I cannot bury any more of my children.

    Sending hugs and hope. FU Cancer!

    Reply
  46. Maya, I lost a child (not from Cancer, by the way), and when the uncaring, asshole of a doctor told me they really didn’t know why, it was “one of those things,” it happens to one in however many million, blah blah blah (I don’t remember, I was in shock and he never came back), I didn’t immediately start rallying support to find a way to prevent what happened to her, or at least UNDERSTAND it, I hid from the world instead. It’s been two years, I can’t even bring myself to Google it so I at least have a better answer. I don’t even know what in the hell happened, not really! I have a name for it, but I don’t get how it happened to her. I CAN’T bring myself to ask more questions, it hurts too badly…and she was a baby, I never heard her laugh, I will never know what would have been her favorite food or color, never sat on the deck drinking lemonade with her… I KNOW WOULD NOT HAVE SURVIVED if I’d had. I’m only alive right now because she has a big brother who needs me otherwise there is no telling what I would have done during the “raw” phase of grief. Anyway, you are absolutely amazing, please give us the name and address of the jerk who made you sad and I’ll go kick their ass up and down the street. I absolutely adore you, and as a person who really doesn’t talk about their feelings and tends to shut people out, reading your posts make me feel like I’m not crazy because you have the balls to say what I’ve thought a million times over. Thank you so much for that. I was “lucky” in that what happened to my child was quick, you suffered and suffered and suffered some more, don’t EVER let some asshole knock you down, unless they first get to walk a mile in your shoes. They are clearly made because they can’t hold a candle to you. That is all.

    Reply
  47. Praying for you and Quinn. It’s so hard not to live in paranoia–it’s maddening. The power of the mind is not to be underestimated. You control your thoughts. Always. You control that….if nothing else. Fill them with your sweet Ronan, your sweet family, your health, your smile. Much love to you. Thank you for sharing that song of Pink’s. I love it.

    Reply
  48. I just found this blog through Top Mommy Blogs and am so glad I did!!! I also lost a child, although she was only 2 days old, not four, and it wasn’t from cancer, but rather Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome. She is the drive behind my new found passion for things as well. Looks like you have done so much to honor your son. I admire you and am happy to follow this blog!

    Reply
  49. Liza

     /  September 24, 2012

    Maya, I am trying to figure out how to write this… because you can’t read tone in a text and I don’t want to scare you, because I know you don’t know me.. but I just found out about you, and your blog, and your family story last week. I found out through Taylor’s song. I sobbed uncontrollably for about 3 days.. and I have been crying off and on now every single day since. I have always been a very sensitive and emotional person, even as a child. I am now 31 and I have 2 children. A 14 year old girl.. and a 4 year old boy. I feel as though I have known you my whole life, I read your entire blog through tears in one day, and I am honestly greiving for your beautiful baby. Can I just tell you that you have changed my life? I have always loved my kids but you taught me what really matters in life.. and I don’t waste a minute anymore. I look at life differently and I just want to say.. I really love you!! I love you, and Ronan, and Quinn, and Liam, and Woody!! I am sad I never got to meet you. I live across the country but I feel like my son, Connor, and Ronan would have been great friends. I told Connor about Ronan. We pray every night and say good night to him. I am so sorry for everything you have been through. Your babies are all beautiful!!! Your family is beautiful!! You are beautiful!!!! And I am crying right now because I miss Ronan!!?!? I do!! FUCK CANCER!!! and God Bless!! Love, Liza and Connor <3

    Reply
  50. Lizzy D.

     /  September 26, 2012

    Did anyone else notice the light to the right of the baby on the ultrasound? My first thought after seeing that was “Ronan is watching out for this little one….

    Reply

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