Dear Grief/Pregancy, You will NOT kill my soul.


 

 

Ronan. This staying in bed and waiting to die, because I’m pregnant and tired, is bullshit. Hello, who the fuck does this life/grief/pregnancy/death fuckwad, think they are dealing with? This is the girl who went skydiving, just because. This is the girl, who ran a marathon, without training for it, just because. This is the girl, who is fighting with every single thing that I have, because I don’t have a choice, unless I want to curl up and die, while letting cancer take EVERYTHING away from me.  I am tired of being tired and I’m going to fight through this as hard as I can. Staying in bed, in NOT good for my mental well being. I decide to start today with, enough is enough. Just because I am tired and sick does not mean I have to roll over and totally give into that, right?? I am allowing myself to have about an hour a day in bed, not the entire freaking day. I can’t do that to myself, no matter how awful I am feeling. Am I pushing things a bit? Maybe, but it’s the only way I feel like I can survive. Hopefully in the next month or so, I’ll have some of my energy back, but until then, I WILL power through this.

I spent the day with a friend of mine. We were invited to a lunch that at a house that lasted much of the day. I went, not knowing what to expect and it was a total adventure. It felt good to be out and about, doing something a little out of my comfort zone. Actually a lot out of my comfort zone. I was in a world that I normally don’t live in anymore. A world of shiny, happy people. I don’t fit well into that world anymore, but I love our hostess so for her, I was totally game. Plus she says the word, “Fuck,” a lot which you know I appreciate. I also got to see a good friend of mine, Kristi, and it is always fun to spend some time with her. It felt good just to be out with my friend. Our conversations area always easy and honest. No need for bullshit or pretending. I don’t function well in a bullshit and pretending world. I never have and never will. We left our lunch feeling as if we had just come off of another planet, but were both so thankful for the adventure. I needed a break from MY reality today which is exactly what I got. Thanks, J- for the break, amazing lunch and your dazzling smile. It was nice to be among the living for a few hours.

Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. I was in the hospital and I had this baby of ours. It was a boy. He was so tiny and frail. I was holding him and our Mr. Sparkly Eyes came into the room. This is such a pattern, him in my dreams, always when I am dreaming about you in whatever way that I am. He came in beaming and so happy. I handed him the baby to hold and I was begging him to help me name this baby boy, as I could not think of a name. The next thing I knew, this baby started talking and saying, “Ronan, Ronan, Ronan,” over and over again. I remember being really sad because this I so wanted this baby to be you, but it was not. I woke up soon after that, totally freaked out by the baby in my dream, talking. I was aching to see your little face so badly that I wanted to throw up. I almost felt mad at the baby boy, in my dream, for not being you. I don’t know what this dream meant. If we do have a boy, we have already decided his middle name will be Ronan, of course. We have about one idea for a first name. I am kind of all out of ideas for boy first names, but we know it of course has to be Irish.

I had a nice thing happen to me today. A nice email that once again, came again at the most perfect timing. Just when I have been struggling on a little side project the past few days. It’s almost as if you are still around so much that you know when I am struggling, and you send someone into help me out or give me a big fucking sign that everything will work out. I have a lot of dreams. This one has been in the works for a while but it is nothing I have been pursuing seriously. You know how I am about just letting things, happen when they are supposed to. I am such a true believer in this, especially in the world I live in now. I might just fall asleep with a smile on my face tonight and I might just be going out to New York City in a few weeks. Our Fairy RoMo said to pack our umbrella. Gladly. Happily. Best news ever. I am sick and tired of this blinding sun. Stay tuned:) I miss our city, so very much and now I might just have a great excuse to get my pregnant ass back out there, puking and all. I am dying to see our Fairy RoMo, as well.

This is all for tonight my most beautiful boy. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

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22 Comments

  1. I am happy to see that someecard at the top of this post – I created it! :) Of course, when I posted it on my facebook page, some people did not take it well. Oh, well. Shame on them for taking offense at FUCK and not CANCER. FUCK never murdered anybody but CANCER sure as hell does, every single day, every hour. I am not the type of person who uses the word fuck a lot, but when I do, it is usually in regards to cancer. Nothing deserves it more. And I know no one knows that better than you do, Maya love. Also, the dreams you dream at night have no meaning except what you give to them. I truly believe this. You are a wonderful mother, and you deserve to have this baby, no matter what you may feel about it now. Quinn and Liam, Ronan and this baby could not have better parents. It is not possible. Love and hugs and all things sparkly and Ronan. Danielle XOXO

    Reply
  2. Glenda

     /  September 18, 2012

    I love that if you have a boy his middle name is going to be Ronan! Romazing!!!

    NYC! I was born and raised there! I love to go back and visit. Love the hustle and bustle. Enjoy your visit. You so deserve it!!

    Always RoLove!
    XO

    Reply
  3. Amy

     /  September 18, 2012

    First of all, please forgive me because I am really no good with putting my feelings into words, especially when I am completely overwhelmed by them like I have been since I started following your blog when Ronan’s song came out. I have two boys and my youngest is very close in age to Ronan, he turned five in March. I worked late the day I first heard of Ronan so when I came home I crawled into bed with my son and held him and cried. Not only were my tears for your sorrow but they were for sheer gratitude for the gift that my children are. Your honesty on this blog brings me to tears and gives me a daily wake up call. I appreciate you putting it all out there and I don’t think you could possibly understand how much you have touched my heart. I have and will continue to share your story (and the “how to live like a rockstar”) with anyone who will listen. Thank you……

    Reply
  4. Yayya, I like your kick ass post! Brought a lot of cheers, good luck!

    Reply
  5. Jessyca

     /  September 19, 2012

    I don’t know what or where to begin. So, I’ll start with FUCK. I learned about Ronan from the Taylor Swift song. Instantly brought tears to my eyes. I am a 31 year old mom of 4 boys. My youngest is 3 with dirty blonde hair and blue eyes. I started reading your blog from the beginning and haven’t finished yet. I feel as if I’m was there watching this happen to you and your family and my heart breaks at every page. I can’t even imagine the pain you all went thru and still are. I’m not a big believer in god, but I do believe in spirits being with us. I lost my grandfather to cancer December 14 2007. In 2008 I became pregnant and found out we were finally having a girl in January 2009. I think my grandfather had something to do, cause we were blessed with another boy exactly 1 year after my grandpa passed, not the girl we had expected. I also just lost my sister in law this year to brain cancer. She was 32 and leaves behind 4 kids. It pisses me off why we have no cure for cancer, with the technology we have. Why the fuck do kids have to suffer and family’s have to pick up the pieces and figure out how to move on. I feel I can relate to you, I am stubborn and think I can do things on my own. I tend to shut down and push people away. I don’t know you, but wish I could give you a hug. This is not going to change how you feel, but you did everything you could to save your beautiful little boy. I’m sure he is with you and proud of what you did and sacrificed for him. I don’t care what people say, I don’t see the reason for this to happen. A while back, you blogged about Ronan wanting a baby sister and naming her Mickey Mouse :) Maybe he knew what was going to happen in the future. Ronan may come back in this baby of yours. Maybe you should name the baby Mickey Ronan ! I know your having mixed feelings, but you are a great mother and will love this baby the way you love your other 3 babies. I hope Liam, Quinn and Woody are all doing great and dealing with this loss as good as expected. Did you run the marathon in N.Y.? I will continue reading your past blogs and the current as they come up. Ronan has touched my heart forever and think twice now before getting stressed with my kids. I hug them alittle longer and am thankful they are healthy. I hope you will find peace in knowing you did everything and are a great mom.

    Reply
  6. Morgan

     /  September 19, 2012

    Dear Maya,
    Let me start by saying how deeply sorry I am for the loss of beautiful boy ronan I first heard about ronan when I seen taylor sing his song on stand up 2 cancer I had to immediately know everything I could about that big blue eyed boy on the tv that when I found your blog and started reading it I have been on it everyday since then and have read every post from the first to the most recent I can’t seem to get that beautiful boy out of my head burning can say what you are doing is working cause you showed this stay at home of two boys that the little stood things

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  7. I do believe, and was recently told by expert, that when Ronan comes to you in a dream that is so real, no mistake it is him watching over you letting you know he IS ok and you too Mommy will make it. LOVE that you will honor his name with the new baby :0) Wishing you a few minutes of less sorrow today.

    Reply
  8. Morgan

     /  September 19, 2012

    Dear Maya,
    Let me start by saying how deeply sorry I am for the loss of beautiful boy ronan I first heard about ronan when I seen taylor sing his song on stand up to cancer I immediately had to know everything I could about this beautiful blue eyed boy on the tv that when I found your blog and have been on it everyday since then I have read every post from the very first to the most recent and I can say that you truly are a amazing woman full of courage and strength and ronan was lucky to have you by his side threw his treatments and I can also say that you’ve change this moms outlook on life you have shown me whats important and whats not I need to enjoy my two boys more and not worrie about the little stupid things like them having perfect table manners when out in public or picking there toys up as soon as I say to do so that’s not what I need to focus on I need to focus on them as my child and you and you alone and wonderful blog has shown me that and to you I’m forever greatful for that I now listen to every laugh giggle and foot stomping down hall and am in love with all of it. Thank you Maya for making me a better mom to my boys
    Morgan Moree

    Reply
  9. candysblog

     /  September 19, 2012

    You have such a way with words and make it so real for everyone of us that follow.. We feel everything. When you can’t sleep, we can’t sleep.. We are running this marathon with you from here on out.. We love you so much..

    Reply
  10. Amanda Bean

     /  September 19, 2012

    Maya, I too have come to this blog through taylor’s song Ronan! The song brought me to tears BEFORE i read his story. Now that Ive been reading Ive been moved to tears daily. My husband thinks Im nuts for continuing to read what is obviously so heart wrenching. You see my husband lost his 15 mos old son back in 1993. It wasnt to cancer but to congenial heart defect. He and his then wife divorced a few years after that. I met him in 99′. I being 10 yrs younger than he he knew that children were a definate in my future. He says it took some serious thinking about weather or not to have another child. To me this was a deal breaker. He did decide he wanted to continue our relationship and we were engaged and married soon after. We found out we were pregnant on our honeymoon. First try actaully.He seemed happy and nervous. Nervous about the health of our peanut and secretly wishing and hoping with every ounce of his being that it NOT be a boy. Well… we did have a perfectly healthy and beautiful baby BOY we named Aidan. His worries of resenting him or not loving him enough went out the window that January day. Dylan joined our clan 5.5 yrs later… it wasnt so easy conceiving the 2nd time. So now he has two new sons that he loves just as he loves his son Zachary. I know this is from a fathers view and isnt exactly the same. I belive your little poppy was meant to be. You will LOVE that baby with all that you have. Just as you did your three babies prior. Congrats to you and your family on your new little blessing. Keep up the good fight Maya. Oh, one more thing… LOVING the Irish names.
    Sending you Blessings for a good day.
    Amanda

    Reply
  11. Katie

     /  September 19, 2012

    Maya I’m so sorry, that dream sounds haunting :( Hoping you have a better day today miss Maya. Missing Ro always, wish he was here with you and your family.

    Reply
  12. I hope you get to go to NY and that at least the pregnancy part will stop sucking the life out of you (my experience with grief since my sons died is that it continues to be exhausting). Take care and FU Cancer!

    Reply
  13. Dorene Plampin

     /  September 19, 2012

    Thanks for sharing so much with all of us. I just learned of your pregnancy. So sorry for your being sick and tired. I am 75 and those memories came back to me. Also the memory of having a new baby. We have had major medical problems in our house hold. But just know that as old as we are 75 and 80 we still like you ,get our asses out of bed and carry on. It helps to know others struggle too. I am sending you tons of love and prayers for all that you are experiencing. Hugs and kisses too, D

    Reply
  14. Oh, Maya. I think you are one of the strongest people I know in this world.
    I’ve always dreamed of getting married and having babies, four actually. And I know if I did and lost one of them… I don’t know what I would do. I don’t know if I could do it.
    But reading your blog has inspired me. I’m going to do something with my life, and it’s gonna be for all those kids that didn’t get the chance to grow up, like Ronan. I think about you and Ronan and your boys all the time, and it makes me even more thankful for what I have. Your blog brings me both great joy and great sadness, but I cannot stay away. I’ve only listened to Taylor’s song once, and oh how it made me cry. I’m not going to forget you and your precious little boy, and I’m going to continue to read the beautiful way you write. You’re such a wonderful mother to Quinn, Liam, Ronan, and this new baby. Don’t give up. You’re doing a wonderful job.

    Reply
  15. This is coming from a mom of two sons. The youngest has just left for college. Although I don’t pretend to know anything of your grief, I am dealing with my own sense of loss and vulnerability. I also felt a connection to you immediately. I later found out that many colleagues of mine on line had come together and raised money for your foundation and that I had heard of your dear boy through them. You and your family are in my heart always.

    Your dealing with your grief is so honest. Believe in yourself. You will use that energy to do so much good. I honor your tenacity. Please take the time to heal yourself. Your children need you to. And rest assured, you will fall in love with this new baby the moment you lay eyes on him or her.

    From a NYer, enjoy your trip! And if I can ever be involved in any fundraising, PLEASE contact me. We are a custom cookie shop and it would fill my heart with joy to give. Do look us up. http://www.batches.etsy.com

    Lisa

    Reply
  16. Lauren Cortez

     /  September 20, 2012

    FUCK*U*CANCER!
    Yo go girl! Have a nice trip to NY.

    Reply
  17. Jillian Oliff, N.S

     /  September 21, 2012

    Hey there! I’m a (new) reader, I’ve started from the beginning though and want to send a nice letter once I’m done but for now as it’s all I thought about last night is.. What about Mikayla (or any other spelling- if it’s a girl?) I was reading the blog a couple days ago of Ronan naming his “baby” Mickey Mouse. You could call her Mick, or even Mickey sometimes. Just a thought of course :) But it’s been on my mind so much I even dreamt about it and despite my stubborness to NOT send a email or comment until I was through readings (Might take a couple more weeks) I had to put this one out there.

    Xox hugs & kisses from Jersey

    Reply
  18. Dearest Maya,
    Thank you for sharing your story and son with us! I was introduced
    to your amazing family and Ronan through Leona Lewco on Facebook.
    Could not stop reading your blog from the first one to the most
    recent. Shed soo many tears and sobbed through the nights reading your love story. I got up and hugged my own “love bugs” while reading and hugged them both tighter in the the morning and each day since! (our son is nine and
    daughter is 13) You are one amazing Mom and family!
    My daughter is now reading and my son can not get enough pictures of your Ronan. I made a donation tonight to your foundation and am wearing my Ronan
    bracelet. Leona is bringing me bracelets for my children now too as
    they are also touched by your amazing Ronan! Thank you for sharing your
    life and Ronan’s with us. Xo

    Reply
  19. Chloe

     /  September 24, 2012

    Hugs babe

    Reply
  20. Liz

     /  September 24, 2012

    Your story daily inspires me to be a better mother, and a better person. I hope to be half the mom that you are. By the way, I think Ronan would make a lovely middle name for a girl as well.

    Reply
  21. Sam

     /  September 28, 2012

    I don’t really know what to say. I’m sorry… it just won’t cut it. Sure, I’m only 14, but I know that I’m sorry will just make it worse. So what I’m going to say is this- it fucking sucks. Obviously. I think that you are doing a great thing posting on this blog, since I bet it helps other parents, as well as inspires me to cherish every moment that I have with my family and friends. I hope that when I grow up and have kids, that I will be an awesome mom, just like you. And I hope that I have a boy so I can name him Ronan. Fuck cancer, and fuck early death. I wish I had known Ronan. And I hope that his memory is never forgotten. <3

    Reply
  22. I think your dream meant that your poppy will be ronan but in his other birth in life to be with you again.. i think poppy is ronan but in a girl form. Dont wirry about your poppy. She will be ok. My sisters daughter died of neuroblastoma and she always scared of her other children. But she gave birth again a few years ago in august and she always had weird dreans about her children but now shes ok and her baby is 3 yrs old and shes very healthy. So are her other children. Her daughter that died was Emerald. She died a month after turning 4 and my sister just couldnt stand it. She started srudying about neuroblastoma but couldnt find anything usefull. Whenever her older son gets sick or emeralds older sister gets sick…. sshe freaks out but now shes in control and i think she donated money to the ronan thompson foundation.thank you maya for sharing your story and thanks taylor!!! I have a son but i couldnt give birth to any more children so i adopted a child that needed a parent. My nana died from giving birth to my mom and her twin so my mom couldnt give me the love she intended to give. I just cant trust her anymore. ronan was very lucky to have a mother like you! My prayers are with you, have a wonderful time with your family. Love, mary-ann opal

    Reply

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    Awesome trail. Kicked our asses. I have the war wound to prove it. #ronan #fucancer #bitthedustcomungdown #savedby @jadyngourley #hikingbadasses #nosociopathshere #pnwlove I can't even handle the cuteness of this. #poppy #ronan #theadventuresofpuppyandkitty #pnwgirls #wakeupsleepyheads #tinyhikers #itssbigbigworld #washingtonsummer @mommaozzzzz Secret handshake. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #theadventuresofpuppyandkitty #bestiesforlife #pnwgirls #4daysapart #troubleoneandtroubletwo @mommaozzzzz
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