“Mom…how did that baby get in your belly?”


Ronan. Hi. I love you.

I’ve still been really tired, but really busy. I’ve tried to take it easy. I had dinner last night with Tricia and Marisa. My two oldest friends from my oldest most perfect life that no longer exist. It has been hard to be around them since going through all of this. Hard because I know they loved you in a way that a lot of people didn’t just because of the fact that they knew you so well. It’s hard to see that raw pain in their eyes that looks a lot like my own. They both know about this baby. Marisa was one of the first people I called to tell. She is my go to gal on all things related to pregnancy. She was ecstatic over the phone, but it was even better to see her in person. She gave me a long hard hug with tears in her eyes. She gave me the listen here talk which consisted of things like, “Now, I’m here to tell you, we need to be a part of this baby. You can’t push us away anymore. I am here to say, I will stalk you at your doctor appointments, your house, the hospital…. you have to let us be a part of this. We all need this. This is such a good, positive thing for all of us. Our friendship needs this. We are not going anywhere. We are taking over.” I giggled, got teary eyed and quietly listened to my friend do what she does best which is be a jewish mother hen/best friend. I told her I knew. That of course I would let them be a part of this. I miss them so much. I told Marisa I know she has stepped back and given me my space, but I never thought she went away. Believe me. I know what it feels like to have people go away, Ro. A lot of people that used to be in my life, have. I don’t know if it’s due to the uncomfortableness¬†¬†of this. Due to not knowing what to do/say/or how to act. Due to me pushing. Or a combo of all things. It doesn’t really matter. All that matters is I know who is here for the long haul. The good the bad and the worst. I’ve always known our Little M was in this for everything, no matter what. I have missed my friend so much. It was a 3 hour dinner that was very much needed. I could have stayed tucked in our little table all night long with the two of them. It was a really, really good dinner. They talk about you so much, too. They are not afraid to speak your name. I so need that. I means everything to me.

Your Liam asked me today how a baby got inside my stomach. Ummm…… this was is not a story I am ready to explain to my 9-year-old. I just reacted with the first thing that came to my mind which was, “A stork.” Liam looked at me and goes, “What’s that?” Crap. Kids don’t know about storks these days. I said, “It’s a bird that leaves a baby on the porch of the house.” Liam rolled his eyes at me and goes, “That’s not true.” “You’re right, that’s not true,” I said. I then responded with, “I asked Ronan for a baby. I told him I thought it would be really nice for all of us if we could have a baby in our family.” Shit. I hope this works I thought to myself in my head. Liam just looked at me and goes, “O.k. That was really nice of him to do.” YES! I smiled at your brother. I couldn’t believe that answer worked. Saved by your Romazingness once again.

Holy hell. I am so glad this secret is out. I have hated keeping this in. It’s a breath of fresh air to be able to talk about things on here! I was so nervous to post for some reason. You all are the SWEETEST. Your kind words have truly made my night. Thanks for all the support and love, with everything. I can’t believe I have not gotten any nasty comments yet. That NEVER happens! It’s nice to know that the kind-hearted people out weigh the mean/sad people by far. You all are truly the best. Oh, and thank you to the man that came up to me today at Chelsea’s Kitchen. He was someone I didn’t know, but said he recognized me and wanted to tell me how this blog has changed his life and made him such a better dad. I never get dad’s that come up to me! It’s always moms. It meant so much to me and truly made my day. Thank you Chelsea’s Kitchens stranger:)

That was yesterday, Ro baby. Today, is here and I am beat. I woke up today, so tired. I didn’t sleep well last night. Too many things swirling through my head. I had another golf lesson today. My giant boobs are becoming a handicap and interfering with my game. Just when I was getting really good…. my professional golfing dreams might have to be put on hold. My sweet instructor tried to convince me otherwise though. We talked a lot about you today and this new baby. She said she was sick to learn of all I had been through. I told her I knew, that everybody was sick over the loss of you. My lesson was great but my energy was zapped after I left there. This baby does not like the heat. I came home to try to rest. My phone kept buzzing with text messages and emails. I had too much to do to slow down for the afternoon so I sucked it up and got a lot of things done. I was on my way over to see Katie when I pulled over to stop at A.J.’s to get us some drinks. I got a text message from Robyn, Ezra’s mom who has now become someone that I treasure so much, that knowing she is in pain, the same way that I am, destroys me. Ezra’s fourth birthday is this Friday. She should be planning it not thinking about what she is going to do, on his birthday to survive the day. She should be playing with her twin 2 and a half years olds, not just one of them. We both decided that life should not go on after this. I told her this life is a death sentence, where we are forced to stay alive. I went to go into the store, reached for my wallet and pulled out a bag of your ashes instead. This caused me to go into complete hysteria and have a total breakdown in my car where I couldn’t breathe or stop screaming and crying through my tears. I forced myself to go into A.J.s. I didn’t have my sunglasses to hide my blood-shot eyes but I didn’t care. Iced Tea’s or bust. I made it out alive, but I went in armed with my FUCK YOU stamp that my friend from Australia, Ali, sent me. I was going to stamp it on anybody that got the way of a grieving mom who should have been carrying a 5 year-old on her hip, not his ashes in her purse.

I spent the rest of the day with Katie and a got a surprise visit from Mandy Bee who just happened to stop by The Garage while I was there. We caught up and made some plans for a little event we are doing on September 20th. I’ll talk about that later as I am wiped out tonight from this day. G’nite baby doll. Sweet dreams. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Have a good party with Ezra on Friday. I know you two will do something extra spicy. I miss you so much.

xoxo

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24 Comments

  1. JenVel

     /  August 29, 2012

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while now – I think I cry every time. Your eloquent posts tear at my heart. Congratulations on the baby you are expecting. Thank you for sharing your life with us … Wishing you wonderful things to help temper the bad. xoxox

    Reply
  2. seriously – people post nasty comments to you?!?!? WTF is wrong with people – if they don’t like your blog STOP READING – no one needs their nasty comments. Sometimes I just don’t understand what is wrong with us as a society. But enough about that. Bless this Baby!! Congrats to all of you. And Bless Ronan up in heaven looking down on you all and wrapping you in love and light. Thank you for sharing him with us and for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I can’t imagine what you are going through and your strength and courage is an inspiration – and definitely remind me to cherish my son and every moment I have with him. Good night, stay strong! Rockstar Ronan forever and always….

    Reply
  3. Glenda

     /  August 29, 2012

    Sweet dreams RoMama!!! I’m so happy for you. You and Woody, Liam & Quinn so deserve some happiness. This little bundle of joy via Ro is what you all need. F*** the nasty comments. They will not get the best if you. They can’t rain on your joy!!! Romazing Rogift!!
    Always Rockstar Ro!!!
    Always RoLove!!!
    XO

    Reply
  4. Sara Maurer

     /  August 29, 2012

    Through all the tears…you always make me smile!! Lots of love..Sara

    Reply
  5. Tiffany

     /  August 29, 2012

    <3 So happy for you and your family Maya. So happy that I don't have words. <3 I've been hoping for this for a long time- you all need some happiness around you. Thank you Ronan for this gift! :)

    Reply
  6. Katie

     /  August 29, 2012

    Haha, your comment about the ‘nasty comments’ made me laugh. I don’t know why people leave them but I’ve been following your blog for some time and they sure do… stupid. Nothing but good things to say to you mama Maya about how wonderful your news it, but I can only imagine how bitter sweet it is. I’m so happy for your growing family but so sad and confused that Ronan’s not there to rub your belly and take extra naps with you. Love you, stay out of that nasty heat!

    Reply
  7. Laura

     /  August 29, 2012

    So thrilled for your entire family.wishing you a magical, blissful pregnancy. You all only deserve the best. Love to you all.

    Reply
  8. Lauren Pearce

     /  August 30, 2012

    Congratulations, Maya!! I hope it’s twins.

    Reply
  9. Dani

     /  August 30, 2012

    CONGRATULATIONS Mama Maya!! RO has Blessed you with another sweet soul to take care of. I am so happy for you and your family. I pray this pregnancy is wonderful. Thank you for sharing your heart with us all!! My love for you continues to grow. You are THE most amazing and strongest woman I’ve “known”!

    Reply
  10. I can’t believe people are mean to you. What kind of person does that? You are the most amazing person I know. I am so very happy for you and your family! You will find this baby doing something naughty and KNOW that Ro whispered it into his/her ear! We are convinced that happened with our kids! How else do you explain a 1 year old learning by himself how to burp on command for a laugh! I hope this baby brings you all a ray of desperately needed sunshine!
    Kris

    Reply
  11. Nickee

     /  August 30, 2012

    I am so happy for you. So thrilled to see such beautiful things happening to you. I’m so glad your true friends have stuck by you and will continue to be there for you. It is hard to find good people in this world that will stick around for more than just the fluffy shit.

    I am hoping and praying for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy, happy, little baby for your family. Seriously cannot wait to see what this little munchkin will look like… I can only imagine :) Looking forward to reading about all the spicy little Ro things this one will be doing.

    Ro love to you all, take care and rest up!

    Reply
  12. I am so happy for you!!! I believe that my Alexander sent me my baby girl! She is a joy in our lives – born one week before what would have been Alexander’s 3rd birthday (http://thecookiegal.wordpress.com/2012/06/29/a-very-emotional-day/) which of course I was a wreck, but it is really all good.

    Good luck to you and your new little one!

    Reply
  13. Congratulations, Maya! What happy news! P.S. I loved your response to the question of how the baby got in “there.” Brilliant!

    Reply
  14. riley

     /  August 30, 2012

    So happy and excited for your new baby. What a sign from Ronan!!!

    Reply
  15. Dona

     /  August 30, 2012

    Thanks so much for sharing with all of us out here. I read every post and somehow, over the past year, I see you getting a little better. I am very excited for the new little one, and all of your family who will love her/him!

    Reply
  16. Becki

     /  August 30, 2012

    I too can’t believe anyone would post nasty comments to you. But then again nothing surprises me these days, especially dealing with social media. It’s the chance we take when we open ourselves up. Did you read that some low life posted a RIP Bill Cosby Facebook page just to see how much shit he could stir up. WTF is wrong with people. Luckily for us Ronan WILL NOT let anyone come here with any sort of nastiness. Thanks Ro.

    Take care of yourself. You may have to make a trip for a bigger bra again soon!

    Reply
  17. Mama Maya!!! Congratulations!! I burst out the biggest YESSSSSSSSS when I read the news! I am so happy for you and your family!
    A gift from Ro for sure!

    Your gift to me, sharing this experience, has been life changing. So I must thank you……this baby is so lucky to come into your family, to have you as it’s Mama…..amazing!!

    Love to you as always,
    xxoo
    Leona~

    Reply
  18. Valeria Lugo

     /  August 30, 2012

    You are the most amazing mother and person. I just started reading your post and are truly amazed by you. I see life so different after reading your posts, I have become a better mom, wife and person. Congrats on your pregnancy!!! It made me so happy, cant imagine how it made you!!
    Thank you for sharing your life with us, its been a …ride!!
    Go mama and fuck you cancer!!!

    Reply
  19. Kimball Arnold

     /  August 30, 2012

    So happy to hear your news! This baby will truly be a blessing to you, Woody, Liam, Quinn and your families!

    Reply
  20. Ana

     /  August 30, 2012

    Maya I’m so happy for you!!! This is so exciting! You guys need this baby and he or she will be so lucky to have you as a mama.

    Take care of yourself and don’t forget that I’ll always keep you and Ronan in my thoughts.

    Reply
  21. Tia

     /  August 30, 2012

    Just got caught up on the last few entries, and rarely comment but wanted to say, CONGRATULATIONS!!! Bittersweet for sure but what a beautiful gift from Ronan. I know you have so many ambitious goals, but take time to take care of you. Can’t wait to read the details after 9/4!

    Reply
  22. Ashleigh

     /  August 30, 2012

    Hi Maya-
    I have been reading your blog for some time and I think about you and your family all the time. I hope one day to run into in person and thank you for being such an amazing inspiration. I wanted to say congratulations in your pregnancy. I was thinking about this baby who obviously won’t have the chance to know his/her brother Ronan but then I thought what a blessing it will be for that child to be able to look back on your blog and see what a strong family they belong to. Full of love. I am so deeply happy for you. Your family deserves everything and more.

    Reply
  23. Ashley:)

     /  September 8, 2012

    I just wanted to say this is my first time everrr readin this blog.and I practially wanted to cry when I saw ur preggers:)congrats. For u and ur family.ur amazing.

    Reply
  24. MommaMo

     /  September 8, 2012

    Been following your blog for several months and as a mother myself , I am truly touched by how raw and true and authentic you allow yourself to be in front of strangers. I cannot imagine your grief, although I often let my mind wander there. I was absolutely delighted to read that you’re both pregnant and building a neuroblastoma center. What wonderful things to look forward to. And how horribly wonderful a song named for Ronan is #1 on iTunes! All the best to you Maya and your family. Your writing reminds all of us parents how sacred each day we have with our children really is.

    Reply

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