A Runaway Death in a Mental Institution with a Maybe Baby


Ronan. I know what I’ve been doing. Trying to live this life the best I can, without you. This means a ton of busy foundation work, a ton of taking care of your brothers, the way they deserve to be taken care of, a ton of busy things that keep me running throughout the day. It’s how I have to be. When I need the quiet and the stillness, it’s to the inferno I go. That’s my time to be in tune with myself and you. It’s where I feel the closest to you. I might have to be taking a break from that Inferno for a while.

I know everyone has been worried since I have not been writing. I hope they are not worrying too much. Do they wonder if I ran away? To New York City like I often dream about. Or maybe I finally cracked and checked myself in a mental institution where I sometimes think I belong. Or maybe I died like I have wished for a thousand times. Is it another maybe baby? That would have thrown me right over the edge.

Ronan do you remember how we would talk about a baby and how badly you wanted one? We would talk about baby names and how you were going to make the best big brother and as soon as you got better, we talked about how we would have another baby. Your daddy brought it up with me a lot and I always just put him off by saying, “We can talk about it when Ronan gets better.” It was only really with you, that I would talk about another baby. Things with you got worse and worse and of course the baby thing was totally off my radar because all I cared about was you getting better. I still don’t know how you didn’t, how you died, and how you are no longer here with us. All of still feels like it’s not real, at times. I still sometimes wait for you to come running through the door, but you never come. The whole baby thing was whispered about here and there, and then I had that whole maybe baby thing in my head which turned out to be just that…. a baby that I thought I was having. I was crushed when I found out it wasn’t real. I made a decision at that point to never again, put that much pressure on myself about getting pregnant or maybe being pregnant. I couldn’t have the build up again only to be let down. It mentally broke me when I thought I was not capable of being broken down anymore. I had people bring it up a lot. “Do you think you’ll try for a baby?” My response was always, “If it happens, it happens.” Non chalet. Calm. Relaxed about it. I had secretly told myself in my head that I wasn’t going to be able to get pregnant because of course, I don’t deserve to feel anything but pure torture, sadness and pain for the rest of my life.

I’m pregnant. Did I just write that? Yeah. I just wrote that, which is why I haven’t been writing to you on here at all. You know I can’t write when I can’t talk about what’s really going on. I’m not good at not being able to blab about things. It all came out of nowhere really. I was a Victoria’s Secret, getting a new bra. I’d better get measured I thought to myself. I have been a 34 C since I was 18. The girl helping me got out her little measuring tape and wrapped it around me. I told her I have always been a 34 C. She goes, “You are actually a 36 D.” What? I thought to myself. What the HELL? I do NOT want to be a 36 D! I left there with my new bra and a could it be a maybe baby floating through my head. I pushed that aside and went on with my day as it was Friday and we were having your Olivia over to hang out with us. That night I thought to myself, “Weird… my period is supposed to be in the next day or two, and I don’t feel like I’m getting it.” I whipped out a pregnancy test and peed on the stick thinking it was nothing, that sometimes my period just doesn’t come anymore due to my stress/lack of appetite/exercise regimen.  So, I peed and waited. I left the room for a few minutes. I came back and looked at my test. Two lines. What??? This can’t be. I went to show your daddy. He was skeptical. O.k. I’ll test again, tomorrow. I did. And the day after that too. I got 4 positive tests and no period. I spent the weekend sleeping, a lot and letting my mind absorb the news. I’ve been so tired, that I can hardly make it through the day, without a nap. That never happens. My body is working overtime I guess. I went to the doctor on Monday, just to confirm everything. I took a urine test there too, and I waited in the little room, for the results. The nurse practitioner came in to see me. “How have you been feeling,” she asked. I told her, “Just really, really tired.”  She then goes, “So you got a positive test result at home?” I said, “I got 4 positive test results at home.” I waited for her to say something while I had a few seconds of thinking to myself, “Uh-oh. Am I back in crazy land and this is all in my head?” She looked up at me, smiled, and goes, “That’s what we got, too.” We went over a few things like how important it is for me to rest. She told me a solid 8-10 hours a sleep a night with a nap everyday. She told me how important it is for me to be eating a lot of protein. I made another appointment to see her along with my OBGYN on September 4th for an ultrasound. I got up and walked out of the room. She said to me, “Congratulations, you’re about to add to your family!” I just looked back at her and gave her a small smile. I really just wanted to say, “Well, what about Ronan? Why can’t he be here for this, too?” I got in my car and drove off not sure where I was going.

My phone rang, like it always does, when it’s supposed to.

“Hello.” me, crying.

“What’s wrong?” said the voice on the other end.

“Nothing is wrong. I’m fine. Everything is fine.” I didn’t want to tell your Sparkly this news over the phone but that’s just what happened because I couldn’t explain my crying any other way.

“I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant and I can’t stop crying. And I don’t know why Ronan had to die and now I’m pregnant and he can’t be here to share this with us.”

“Oh my goodness, darling! This is great news! I am so happy for you, this is going to be wonderful for you. You are such a wonderful mom, you deserve to have a little sunshine in your life.” He went on and on about that’s enough with the inferno hiking, how it’s time to take care of myself, and how he I just needed to rest and listen to my body. “I know this is hard for you and I know how badly you miss Ronan. I miss him so much too. I know how worried, scared, happy, sad and confused you are. I understand all of this. You know I do. But I promise you, this baby is going to be so good for you.”

I could literally hear him smiling on the other end of the phone. I let that make me happy. It’s not often I get to make your Sparkly smile because of good news. The funny thing is, he knew I was pregnant, before I did. Last week, he looked at me and said, “Are you pregnant?” I just laughed at him and said, “No, Sparkly. I’m not pregnant. And what if I can’t get pregnant? What if I’m too old now?” He looked at me and said, “Nonsense. You are only 34. You still have plenty of time.” I said, “I hope you’re right.” And of course, he was, just like he always is. That bloody soul knows me better than I know myself.

I called a few people after I found out the news. Your Nana. Dr. JoRo. Macy. I sobbed in the phone to Macy and listened as she cried with me. She told me how she knew how I was so torn about this, but how good it was going to be. How she knows that the timing of this is just perfect because she has literally watched me come back to life. I know she was so scared for me last summer. I think everyone was. She told me how proud she is of the way I am engaging with your brothers and your daddy again. How this will be so good and healing for all of us. Her talk made me feel a little better. I’ve let this all sink in, very slowly. I have to take the time to process things in a way that I never have had to, before.

I wonder a lot about if this is part of your plan. I already wonder if this baby will look like you. It will be a part of you which means this baby will be nothing short of amazing. I will let myself feel happy and excited when the time is right. As of now, I just want to absorb all of this in a delicate way by being true to what it is, I am feeling. Right now it’s a mix of emotions, and there is a sadness/happiness combined. I am trying to be true to both of those things. I am trying to be true, to all of this, for you.

I’m tired little bug. I would give anything for you to be here, with all of us. I’m so sorry you are not. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

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44 Comments

  1. Jaime

     /  August 28, 2012

    So exciting :) praying for a healthy pregnancy and baby for you!!! God bless! xoxo

    Reply
  2. Rachel Plank

     /  August 28, 2012

    I have to admit that I’ve been worried about you since there haven’t seen many posts from you. But I also know you’ve been busy getting ready for the Gold Party. Now, you gave this wonderful news to share! CONGRATULATIONS!! I am excited for all of you. XOXO

    Reply
  3. Robin

     /  August 28, 2012

    BEST NEWS EVER. Maya, you know Ronan has a hand in this!! He knows your heart and soul..heck he IS your heart and soul. This is a true testament to your and Woody’s love. You guys survived the most tragic of circumstances, you dug in and did not let cancer tear you apart, when weaker people would have just simply given up. I am so over the moon for you. Please start pigging out on good stuff and taking care of yourself. I can’t wait to hear about this part of your journey. ROMAZING!!!

    Reply
    • Kim

       /  August 28, 2012

      amazingly beautiful news!!! my heart is smiling for you and your family and that precious baby!!!

      xoxo
      kim

      Reply
  4. Grant Francina

     /  August 28, 2012

    Wow…amazing news! All part of Ro’s plan to move the universe! Congrats!

    Reply
  5. Porter Holden

     /  August 28, 2012

    Maya, I know you must be having some mixed feelings, but I defintiley think this is a gift from Ronan! I have high hopes this will bring you some peace. Congratulations! Stay Spicy!

    Reply
  6. Danielle

     /  August 28, 2012

    Mayamayamayamaya!!!!!!!!!!!

    Holy fuckimg purple sparkly balls.

    Maya.

    I’m so happy for you. And sad you have to do it without Ronan. But he has made the perfec baby for you… The perfect soul, a gift from him, to help you, help this world.

    I love you. I’m sorry. Yay. I’m sorry.

    Xoxoxoxoxoxocoxoxoxoxocoxoxo

    Reply
  7. Melissa V

     /  August 28, 2012

    I am so happy to hear this news…while I *may* have been one of the worriers, I trusted in Ro and prayed that he was taking extra special care of you–and look he did JUST that. When I read your beautiful news, my heart also sunk as I imagined the anguish you must also feel. I am sorry for all the emotions other than happiness and joy you are feeling over this new life growing so perfectly inside you! Ro must know that you only wanted to do this with him–but I think your little spicy seal is happy that his family is growing and that he is now a big brother. This precious baby will always have 3 big brothers. Love to you, Maya <3 <3 <3

    PS….I think we should have surrogates do danger days for you? Maybe to help raise $$$$ for the Foundation?! I am sure you would have some bad ass volunteers!

    Reply
  8. Kathy Chamberlain

     /  August 28, 2012

    I have read & cried with you for a long time but have never written to you. I am so happy to find out you are pregnant. Your family deserves a little bundle of sunshine.Prayers for a healthy baby. I have to believe Ronan had a little hand in helping make this happen.

    Reply
  9. What a blessing. I am so happy for all of you.

    Reply
  10. paula

     /  August 28, 2012

    So happy for you. Congrats. Eat well and rest! This is great news for you. Ronan made this happen for you!

    Reply
  11. Katie

     /  August 28, 2012

    I hope it’s a girl! :-) or a boy I guess. I hope you smile more than you cry. I hope your heart smiles a gazillion times more than ours who read this! More than anything tho… I hope (she?) knows just how lucky (she?) is to be born to a mommy with such love & passion, great big brothers (3 big brothers!) to guide, watch over, protect & even torment (her?) & a daddy that you claim walks on water. So damn happy for you!!!!

    Reply
  12. Im sitting here crying tears of happiness for you and your family…congratulations Im so so very happy for you Maya.

    Reply
  13. L

     /  August 28, 2012

    Best.News.Ever!!! I’m so haaaappppy for you!!! I’m literally crying, I don’t know you but I’m crying! Love love love this post X 1,000,000!!!! Is this an “ambien baby”??? Lol. :).
    Oh, loved the AZ Foothills magazine article!!! Ronan, always Ronan. Love you Mama!

    Reply
  14. Colleen Fisher

     /  August 28, 2012

    Life works in mysterious Ro-ways. :) <3 to you the world over! :)

    Reply
  15. Glenda

     /  August 28, 2012

    Romazing news!!! I’m so happy for you, Woody and the boys. Another badass Rockstar to add to your beautiful family. Can’t wait to follow this journey. Xxoo

    Always Ro!!
    RoLove!!!
    Fucancer!!! Ronan should be here!!!

    Reply
  16. Todd and Kara Schierscher

     /  August 28, 2012

    CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Todd, Kara, Adalie and Sadie Schierscher

    Reply
  17. Des Jordan

     /  August 28, 2012

    Sobbing!! So happy for you all. You so deserve the happiness & joy a baby will bring to your family, and Ro will be there every step of the way… He’s the one who made this happen, of course he will! Tears of joy for you. Take care, eat, rest, eat, rest… eat some more…and take one more nap after that. Congratulations!! You have the most amazing family in the world.

    Reply
  18. Holley clapp

     /  August 28, 2012

    I have been following you and Ronan for a little over a year. You both are my inspirations for so much in my life. When I opened up this last post I was smiling as crying all at once and all I could picture was Ronan smiling for you. I never comment because I know nothing I can say could possibly make any of your hurt go away. My father passed away a year ago next week and I feel like my life as I knew it as over..sometimes I wish I had died with him… Almost daily I wish that just so I could be with him again. I know that when he died everyone would tell me stories of their loved ones dying; just as I am doing now to you.. And I would want to tell them to fuck off… That they had no idea what it was like to lose my Dad. I know that losing your sweet Ronan is another realm of something I can’t possibly ever feel. That I will never get it… I just wanted to say that your love for him… It’s what inspires me to love and to keep on everyday. You are without question the most beautiful mommy and I am so happy to read your news. Romazing!!!

    ROCKSTAR RONAN forever!!

    Holley clapp

    Reply
  19. Cathy Estrada

     /  August 28, 2012

    Sending congrats and best wishes to your whole Family…….make sure to get your rest!!

    Reply
  20. I don’t even know how to put into words how I feel. I am elated for you. I am sad for you. I am every emotional possible all rolled into one. I have wondered where you’ve been…I’ve missed your blog, but I wasn’t worried about you, and normally I am. I guess that’s a testament to how far you have come – i’m pretty sure you’re going to be just fine. It’s always going to hurt…you are always going to long for Ronan to be in this world. But you’re going to be okay, Maya.
    I’m not sure what else to say except I love you, I love Ronan and this baby is one of the luckiest babies in the world to have you and Woody for parents.

    Reply
  21. Tiffany

     /  August 29, 2012

    So happy for you Maya. You and your boys deserve this so much. Take care of yourself Momma.

    Reply
  22. Hilary

     /  August 29, 2012

    Spicy sparky lady,

    I read your news as I started my day here in the UK and I just had to tell you that it made me smile from here to Arizona. Thank you for sharing this amazing news with us. I can only imagine that you have mixed feelings – joy at the start of a new and wonderfully beautiful life and sadness that Ronan isn’t here to share it with you all in person. But I do believe that he has played a part in bringing this baby to you and that he will be an ever present force as you start on this new adventure. I hope you know that while we celebrate and look forward to sharing your journey and to hearing all about your new baby, we will not forget Ronan and the precious treasure he is and always will be.

    Big hugs to you and the baby bump and an extra special twinkly wink to that spicy boy of yours who watches over every step you take.

    Hilary xx

    Reply
  23. So glad your back :) you are the truest person in the universe. Thinking of Ronan…

    Reply
  24. I felt nothing but happiness for you, until I read about the nurse saying congratulations, that you’d be adding to yor family and then I cried for you. Meeting this new little will be an absolute joy, and how wonderful to be able to have a new piece of Ronan inside his sibling. You have so much good ahead of you.

    Reply
  25. Cheryl

     /  August 29, 2012

    I follow your blog with my daughters, one in treatment for cancer, and I am moved to tears this morning….reading….you are pregnant! You deserve happiness and Ronan is with you every step of the way. Take extra good care of yourself. Joyous news for a family that deserves some good news.

    Reply
  26. Jenn

     /  August 29, 2012

    Wow Maya, this is so bitter sweet:) I’m so happy for you and your family right now, this will truly be amazing. I’m so happy for you and sad as well, but new babies bring new life into a home. I hope you are feeling good and I can’t wait to hear more updates on this little person inside of your belly:)

    Reply
  27. First, congratulations to you all! This baby is its own soul and it is your chance to let Ronan be the best big brother ever. Because he will be there with you all every step of the way. Take the time every day to enjoy this time. And, finally, congratulations to you all! :o)

    Reply
  28. Becki

     /  August 29, 2012

    I had a feeling that was why we hadn’t heard from you. It’s funny, because of this blog I feel I know you so well because you are so open and honest. I figured you were going to need some time to process the news. I just knew you were pregnant. I am so very happy and excited for you. Ronan would have been a fabulous big brother. Take good care of yourself!

    P.S. I am the person that told you to drink the day school started for the boys. It’s good to know that won’t be happening. LOL!

    Reply
  29. Daniella

     /  August 29, 2012

    Oh Maya, that is quite the news! Wow! I am so so happy for you! Of course my heart breaks for you a little too because I am so sorry that Ronan cannot be there with you throughout all this. A part of him will be in this new baby, the same way he is with you and Woody and Liam and Quinn. Thinking of you and sending you thoughts of REST, calm and love. xoxo

    Reply
  30. Melanie H

     /  August 29, 2012

    WOW!!! Amazing news!! I admit I was very taken aback, did not see that one coming…and I just sat here reading this with tears. Tears of happiness, but also bittersweet tears. I am so happy for you and your family about this news, but of course, sad that Ro won’t physically be here to share in it with all of you. But remember he is with you always, and he will be sharing in this fantastic new adventure along with you, in spirit and with your everlasting love… Congrats, Maya!! All the best for you and your little precious bean!!

    Reply
  31. Lori

     /  August 29, 2012

    Maya, I believe that like everything else Ronan does for you, this baby is no exception. He’s orchestrating it…he still wants Quinn and Liam to have a sibling and he wants to bring you and Woody more joy. I’m so happy for you. Listen to your body…it will tell you everything you need to know and do to get you through this pregnancy in a healthy way.

    Love and hugs to you…Lori

    Reply
  32. Val S

     /  August 29, 2012

    Congratulations, Maya on your pregnancy. Please take good care of you, your Ronan is watching over you. Keep posting when you can. Xo

    Reply
  33. bee

     /  August 29, 2012

    Congrats! Congrats ! Congrats! you all deserve a little sunshine in your lives. I know this baby will not fill the void in your heart but the love you have for this baby will make that beautiful heart of yours ever bigger!

    Reply
  34. Nickee

     /  August 29, 2012

    My heart is overjoyed for you!!! Such happy, wonderful news!! A Ro gift for sure… I’m so anxious to see what this baby will be like and look like. I think a spicy little one might be on its way!

    So excited for your appointment next week! Twins would be awesome! I would love to see what a little girl baby looks like in your family, but another boy would be absolutely amazing, too. Healthy is of course the most important. So excited for you Maya! And for Woody and the 3 boys too! And I know you will pick the cutest name(s). I’m sorry Ro isn’t physically here for this, but I just know he had a hand in all of it. He gets to be a big brother :) I’m sorry you have to go through this with mixed emotions. I can’t imagine… you must be so torn. I know this will be so good for you. You are meant to be a mom, and you guys have the best kids. Can’t wait to be on this little journey with you.

    Get some rest and best wishes for a great pregnancy!

    Love and hugs,
    Nickee

    Reply
  35. Kelly

     /  August 29, 2012

    Congratulations! My you be blessed with a healthy pregnancy &you baby!!

    Reply
  36. carla

     /  August 29, 2012

    Holy fuck! Happy and sad at the same time.

    Reply
  37. Maya, what wonderful news!! Congratulations! know what mixed feelings you must have. I am so happy that you are having a baby, I am also sad that Ronan is not here experiencing this with you.
    Stay strong and stay healthy…Thinking of you…
    Hugs to you,
    Sharon

    Reply
  38. Dawn

     /  August 29, 2012

    I am over the moon happy for you all! What amazing news for the most amazing family there is! I am just sitting here crying happy tears for you guys!

    Reply
  39. Kathi Pilcher

     /  August 29, 2012

    I have been reading your blog for sometime now and I just have to say that for maybe the first time in my life I have happy tears flowing ! !

    Reply
  40. Susan Andrew

     /  August 29, 2012

    Congratulations Maya…. So happy for all of you….

    Reply
  41. Found your blog after hearing Taylor Swift’s new song, and I just read back several posts. Reading this one I was compelled to comment… you – and Ronan – are in my prayers. xoxo

    Reply
  42. Bethy

     /  November 13, 2012

    MAYA THIS BABY WAS MENT TO BE! RONAN WANTED A BABY SISTER AND YOUR GOING TO GET ONE! I KNOW ITS A GIRL!! ROAN ALWAYS WANTED A SISTER!!! DONT BE SAD BE SO SO HAPPY!! DONT CRY BECAUSE RONAN ISNT HERE FOR THE NEW BABY BECAUSE HE IS!! HE IS WATCHING OVER THE BABY EVERY SECOUND HELPING HER GROW AND LOVING HER!!! THE BABY WILL BE HEALTHY AND RONAN WILL BE THERE EVERY STEP OF THE WAY! MAYA YOU ARE SO STRONG YOU ARE AMAZING AND ARE SOOOOO STRONG! WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE BEEN THROUGH IM SURPISED YOU NOT WATCHING DOWN ON US WITH RONAN!! STAY STRONG BABY GIRL WE ALL LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU!!!
    XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK AND I LOVE YOU TOO RONAN KEEP THE BABY SAFE LIL MAN<3
    WITH SOOOOO MUCH LOVE AND SUPPORT,
    BETHY<333333333<3333333

    Reply
  43. Mickayla

     /  November 15, 2012

    I hope she looks JUST like Ronan. Blue eyes and sandy blonde hair. Most importantly I hope she is healthy!

    Reply

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    My boys are away at sleep away camp for two weeks and I finally got a letter. I can't call, can only communicate through letter writing. So relived to hear from my babe today as I've been worried/missing them so much. I am so glad they are having fun, but miss them sooooo much. @quinnthompson24 Can't wait for you to be home. #ronan #fucancer #firsttimecampers #missmyboys #poppyislookingforyoueverywhere #Repost from @jentate with @repostapp
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