Nature is my church and you are my teacher



Ronan. Hi babydoll. We are still at your Nana’s house. It feels like we’ve been here, forever. I don’t miss home. I do miss your daddy. He can’t come out this trip, which is killing us both, but we are both doing our best. All that time he took off during May/June has left him with a ton to catch up on. I hate knowing that he is at home at night, in our empty house with just your urn, to keep him company. It is so wrong, on so many levels. I’m doing my best to play the role of both parents here. Your Papa Jim and Nana have been a big help. Your brothers have been really good. We have been doing so much…kind of going non-stop. Last night, your Papa Jim wanted to take your brothers out on his boat, night fishing. “What do you mean, they’ll be gone until midnight? No way! I already have one dead child, I don’t need anymore!” I said to your Nana with a look of terror on my face. “They aren’t going.” But then your brothers, begged. And begged some more. Normally, I would not give into the begging. I thought it through. Night fishing with Papa Jim. Who knows when this will happen again. New memories for them. An adventure. Something they will treasure for the rest of their lives. “You can go if you both promise me this. No fighting on the boat. I want text message updates every hour. Under NO circumstance does your life jacket come off. EVER. You follow the rules and listen to everything your Papa says. Pinky promise me.” We hooked pinkies. “Thanks, mom!” They were so excited. I got text messages, every hour on the hour. The cutest little text messages. Your brothers are so sweet, it kills me that they have to go through any of this. I am trying my best for them, Ronan. And for you. I think I am doing an alright job. I feel like I am doing much better for them, then I was doing last year at this time. Everyday is still as struggle, but it is easier for me to be more present and engaged with them, then it used to be. I decided awhile ago that for as much pain as I am in, I cannot ruin their lives, even more by bailing out. They don’t deserve that. They don’t deserve any of this, but what happened to you was not in my control. What happens to them, due the the way I react to the loss of you, is in my control due to the decisions I make. I am trying to be a good mom to them still, Ronan. I am trying so very hard. I think somedays, I get it right. I hope they will forgive me for the days that I just can’t seem to pull my shit together. They don’t happen very often. But I hate that they have had to see them at all. 

Your brothers and Papa got home around midnight. They caught a huge Salmon. I am so glad they did. That made their adventure, even better. We all 3 slept in again and I woke up to hearing the giggles and laughs coming from outside. I went out to see what was going on. Ahhhhh… the cleaning of the salmon had begun. Liam was gagging and would not get near it. Quinn was gloved like a freaking serial killer and was cutting away with a huge knife, helping your Papa, clean the thing. I got there just in time to snap away so great pictures. It was a beauty of a fish. Quinn then proceeded to take the head of the fish and inform me that he was a doctor, performing surgery. I watched him as he cut away and dissected the entire head of the fish down to the eyeballs. This might make some mom’s squeamish. Not your mama. I was right in there with him, helping him with all the guts and blood. Sometimes he is so much like me, that it is eerie. I’ve never been one to be squeamish over guts and blood. But it does take me back to you, of course. All of the bloody noses that we had to deal with. I will never forget those, Ronan. They haunt me at all times of the day. I’m so sorry baby. For all you went through and even after everything, nothing could save you. How could that even be? I’ll never ever understand, Ronan. I would have done anything to save you. I would have taken you anywhere. I look back and regret so much. Even though your daddy still swears we did all we could do. That will never be good enough for me.

After the cleaning/operation on Mr. Fish, we went to Oregon to hike Multnomah Falls. These two states, often leave me breathless Ronan. There is never ending beauty, everywhere. I miss it here, so very much. I have for a really long time. We had the best day with your Papa. It was day full of simple surprises. The deer that we saw on our hike, that was just sitting there, eating the leaves not even 3 feet from us. I saw it and immediately thought of you. “Oh, a gift from Ronan.” I think every beautiful thing I see, feel, or hear in my life is a gift from you. It was so perfect, calm and sweet. The deer wasn’t scared of us, it just nibbled on it’s food, while staring into my eyes. It jumped away after somebody came by with a dog. I could have sat and started at it, forever. It was almost the most perfect day. But you should have been there, too. I kept looking for you everywhere and imagining what you would have been doing. I do that with everything we do, without you. I know you would have been right in there with Quinny, dissecting the fish. I know you would have been right there with Liam, throwing rocks into the waterfall. I know you would have made me carry you, halfway up our hike. I know you would have been eating that ice cream cone, with your Papa and giggling with him in the car. I know these things, even without you here to do them. I live my life imagining you this way every second of every day. Nothing I do in my life, is without you.

I’m going to end this here tonight now, Ronan. I am a blubbering mess and I am trying not to cry too much because I don’t want to wake up your brothers and make them sad. They are both sleeping right next to me. We miss you. We wish you were here. I love you, little man. I miss you so very much. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams, baby doll.

xoxo

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6 Comments

  1. I have loved keeping up with your day on Instagram. That is some amazingly breathtaking scenery! I hate thinking of you crying in the dark…it shouldn’t be this way. Cancer is such a fucking asshole.

    Reply
  2. Glenda

     /  July 23, 2012

    RoMama. It shouldn’t be this way!!! Thinking of you. I follow you on instagram. You take amazing pictures. Guts & all :)

    RoLove!!!
    Fucancer!!!
    XO

    Reply
  3. Melissa V

     /  July 24, 2012

    You ARE an amazing, incredible mother–to all 3 of your babies. Love to you and your family. always.

    Reply
  4. Mom too

     /  July 24, 2012

    Wonderful memories……….

    Reply
  5. Jennifer Todd

     /  July 24, 2012

    Agh! I now need to hike Multnomah Falls so I can get one of the bracelets! Done deal! Maybe they’re still there? (I live in Vancouver..) :) BTW, I’m running foam fest this weekend (it’s an easy (they say.. but I’m not a runner) 5k fun run with FOAM!!! If you’re still here, you should come!

    http://5kfoamfest.com/location-portland.php

    Reply
  6. Maya, It kills me that you are so close to me yet so far that I can not give you the biggest ginormous hug EVAH!! The pacific northwest/ pacific coast is a magical place…..very special. Those texts from the boys…..priceless and for the record, I would have done the same thing with my kids xoxox
    @Jennifer todd…..I am in Victoria, if you find the bracelets toss a few across the pond to me ;-) I am doing my very first half marathon in October here and doing in to honor Ro!! I plan to Rodazzle my self up and spread the Rolove along the way!!

    xoxoxoxoxo

    Reply

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  • Instagram is my BFF

    #Repost from @ronanfoundation If you've been tagged, you're it!!! It’s time to… ‪#‎BeBoldGoGold‬! Get your glitter on! We’re kicking off Childhood Cancer Awareness Month with a bang & a sparkle! Throughout September, we’re turning ourselves into spicy, gold human billboards for childhood cancer awareness and want YOU to join us! Welcome to the #BeBoldGoGold Challenge! 
HOW IT WORKS:
You deck yourself out in your gold bling or glitter—jewelry, clothes, facepaint, you name it, you rock it. You head out into a public place. Talk to at least one person about childhood cancer—tell them a fact, like that 46 are diagnosed with cancer every day. The goal is to raise awareness, so talk to as many people as you can & encourage them to take the #BeBoldGoGold Challenge

Film/photograph your adventure, and tag us in it! We’re reposting submissions to our new #BeBoldGoGold Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. When you post your video/photo, nominate 3 people to carry out the challenge by tagging them. They have 48 hours after being tagged to get their gold on! Make sure to hashtag #BeBoldGoGold and ‪#‎RTF‬

At the end of September, we’re giving a prize to whoever goes all out and makes the biggest impact (aka raises the most awareness)! We’ll also have #BeBoldGoGold shirts available to purchase (link coming soon). If you would prefer to donate instead of (or in addition to) the challenge, visit: http://www.theronanthompsonfoundation.com/ & share the link. 
The Challenge starts…NOW! #Repost from @firedaughterclothing
It's almost September! Childhood Cancer Awareness Month- this is my I think 4th year working with my absolutely amazing girlfriend @mamamaya to raise awareness for Childhood Cancer, which brutally stole her son Ronan.  I was introduced to Maya when my close girlfriend Sandra's daughter was also fighting for her life, alongside Ronan.  Mia beat her cancer but has severe radiation injury.  This horrible horrible thing brought us all together and we are determined to make a difference for all of our babies.  Keep an eye out over the next week or so.  It's time to Go Gold 🌟🌟🌟🌟🌟 "And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate...I shake it off, I shake it off." #pearl #gettingreadyfortimessquare #nycorbust #nycgoesgold #beboldgogold #rtf #shakeitoff @taylorswift @knjoy
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