Hi. I’m in L.A. I like it here. Little 3,4, and 5 year old boys, who look like you, do not exist on Venice Beach.


Ronan. It’s been almost a week since I posted last. I know this usually means I’m in a dark space; but for once this has not been the case. It’s not that I have not been thinking about you, every waking second, because I have been and I always am. I guess I just needed to give myself a little break so I could survive the last week of Coronado Island of 3,4, and 5 year olds, everywhere. Your daddy made it in time to spend the evening of Father’s Day with us. Macy filled the role of the surrogate father for the day and as always, did an amazing job. She was supposed to fly home on Sunday night, but somehow I talked her into staying an extra day. It had nothing to do with the lazy day we spent laying on the beach, soaking up the sun, either. Well, o.k. that maybe had a little something to do with it, but I also know that she could sense that I needed her and she did really want to spend some time with your daddy as well. It was an o.k. day. We made it the best we possibly could for your daddy. It was hard to look into his eyes though and see the pain pouring out of them. A father should never be without any of his children, on Father’s Day, but your daddy, most of all. He is too good of a daddy to have to carry this never-ending pain around. I’m always so sorry and so sad for him. I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to look at him again and not see the constant sadness that fills his eyes, even when he is smiling. I know those eyes all too well as they are a reflection of mine.

The rest of the week was pretty low key. Lots of beach time. A little surfing. Some running. Basketball. A movie. Sleeping. No Ambien for me for a couple of weeks now. Dr. JoRo will be proud of that. I’m kind of proud of that too. I got a text message on Wednesday from our lovie, Charisma. It was more like, “OMG. When are you leaving San Diego? I can’t believe we did not meet up! Wanna make a trip to L.A. to see me?” You know how I LOVE spontaneous plans. I texted her back. “Yes. Let me work my magic. I’m sure I can figure something out. I’m supposed to go back to AZ on Saturday, but let me talk to Woody.” I got home and told your daddy about what had come up. I think I spun it to him as, “Wooddawg. If I don’t go to L.A., who knows when I am going to get to see Charisma again and it’s already been way too long. She’s leaving for Austin to shoot the new series she just got picked up on, to become a regular. I NEED to give her a congrats hug and see my friend.” It didn’t take much convincing on my end. I offered to take one of your brothers with me as they could use the time apart anyway. Of course your Quinny chose to go with me and Liam chose to stay with your daddy. Quinn cannot seem to be separated from me and Liam seems to be stuck to your daddy like glue. Quinn and I hopped in the car super early on Friday morning to drive to L.A. It was a reunion that showed me much too much time had passed since I had last seen my friend. The last time I spent with her, was when she came out for your services and you know I don’t remember any of that. I’ve really missed her.

Quinn and I arrived and it felt so good to get the frick out of Coronado, and a change of scenery. There are no 3,4,5 year old boys, roaming around the streets of L.A. who all look like you. We spent the day at Venice Beach. I soaked up a day of sunshine with Charisma while your brother and D surfed. I soaked up the homeless bums who filled the boardwalk of Venice Beach. I caught up with my friend. I breathed. I exhaled. I needed to, otherwise I was going to burst. We had a nice lunch and an even better dinner at some to die for Mexican food restaurant. Everyone is snug as a bug in a rug now and sound asleep. All except me. My thoughts are swimming with all there is to do. How much I miss you. The awful way I left your daddy today which was which one of us, was going to take Ronan home. Which meant, who is taking your urn home full of your little body. Your daddy did. I took your GiGi with me, instead. We both felt you would be safer with your daddy. The fact that this conversation is now part of our normal lives leaves me sick to my stomach in a way that I am too tired to explain tonight. I’m getting sleepy. It’s 3 a.m. I mainly just wanted to check in. I know how my lovely little blog readers get when they don’t hear from me, for a while. They worry. They are the sweetest and I am thankful that they care so much. I am o.k. And for me, o.k. is as good as it gets. I am happy to have spent today in the presence of someone whom I think, hung the moon. You don’t get much better in life, than my dear friend, Charisma. She reminds me of all the pain in the world, while pointing out the beauty as well. She reminds me that they can coexist in a peaceful manner. She makes me laugh with her crazy car dancing and with her, the smiles are always true. There is no faking or forcing. There is no judgements or disappointments. There are only journeys and love. I like my world when I am with her. It gives me the break that I know I need and I know I deserve. She loved you so much.

I love you, Ronan. So much so, that I know we are going to do everything it is, that I want to do for you. I don’t care if it costs 150 billion dollars. You cannot put a price on our love and the power it has to change this cancer world in the way that it so desperately needs to be changed. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite baby doll.

xoxo

About these ads
Leave a comment

9 Comments

  1. Glad you’re okay (i hope one day things will be better than okay for you). So happy you got to spend time with the amazing friends you have but feel sad to my core that you and Woody live a life where your baby is in an urn and not running around with his brothers. It’s fucked up and wrong on every single level.

    Reply
  2. I’m so glad you were able to spend time with your friend and have a somewhat peaceful day. I was thinking about you the last few days, wondering what was going on, when you would write your next post. I’m happy to see you were away from blog writing for good reasons and not sad ones! Lots of Love to you, Woody, Liam, Quinn, and of course, extra love to Ronan. xoxo

    Reply
  3. Glenda

     /  June 23, 2012

    So glad you had a good time with your friends.

    Thinking of you RoMama. Always Rockstar Ro. RoLove!!

    !

    Reply
  4. kelly

     /  June 23, 2012

    I was a little worried for a second that there wasn’t a post for a few days, now I’m concerned that you used the word frick instead of fuck.

    Reply
  5. L

     /  June 23, 2012

    What a fabulous post! So happy to hear that you had a great time with Macy and now Charisma! I also hope that you had a productive Fuck You Cancer meeting the other day. Safe travels back to the heat and if you pass through lovely ghetto Yuma, flip me the bird on the way!
    PS And I too saw FRICK……who stole our spicy Maya! :)

    Reply
  6. Monica Stuve

     /  June 23, 2012

    Kelly stole my comment! I’m a “lovely little blog reader”, faithful since Oct 2010 and I’ve NEVER. EVER. Seen you write frick! Maya what’s going on?!! Love you fricking tons!

    Reply
  7. Sheri

     /  June 24, 2012

    Still following the journey of you and the world wide love of Ronan. I am guilty of being a worrier when there are no posts, but I know you know you are not obligated to post. The ronan supporters and neuroblastoma fighters will still be here!
    Love to all of your family from ours

    Reply
  8. So happy that you were able to go to LA and that there are no 3,4 & 5 yr. olds all over the place. Also, so happy that you wrote “Fucking fuck that was funny” back to Kelly’s frick comment.

    Safe travels. FU Cancer!!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

  • Instagram is my BFF

    Tiny hiker. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #youaremyhappy #infernolove #babydoll #minibadass Inferno love. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #infernolove #icarriedthebaby #cuzimabadass #hiking My little campers had another boy/girl dance last night at camp. I'm guessing there was a lot of standing around and ignoring the girls. I'll keep them that way for as long as possible! #ronan #fucancer #littlestuds #justsaynotogirls #nokissingallowed #thisisthefreakingcutestthingever #boysrule #missthemsomuch
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 24,343 other followers

%d bloggers like this: