A Happy Father’s Day to who?? Please remove the word, Happy. Let’s call it what it really is. Father’s Day sucks balls when your child is gone. I know Woody would agree. Love you, Daddy Woo.


 

 

Ronan. It’s Father’s Day. Of course it is. The holidays do not go away or stop, like I wish they would. I am sorry you have to be separated from us everyday, just not on days like Father’s Day. What makes today any different from any other day of missing you? Nothing. I don’t think we will be celebrating tomorrow. How do you celebrate with a dead child? I don’t really think that you do. It’s hard enough to watch all the other people do it around you because everything feels so confusing and lost. I don’t think we will celebrate tomorrow. I think we will get through the day, as best as we can. I think that’s good enough for me. I hate tomorrow for your daddy. I know Father’s Day will never be the same for him again. And he is the best father out there, which makes this even more cruel and inhuman. I am so sorry to you both.

I still have Macy here. She will be here until tomorrow night. Thankfully. She will make tomorrow, a little less painful and sad. She will find a way, to have us all in stitches with her effortless ways of loving us with such depth and soul, that she is capable of making me feel like I can grieve and breath all at the same time. Not many people are able to do that for me. Without the judgements that come along with all of this. Macy is not just our friend. She is our family, no questions asked. I am so very thankful, that she came into our lives when she did. I am so thankful that I got to watch you fall in love with her and she fall in love with you. I am so thankful that she has not gone away.

I did not write the following below. Rita sent it to me tonight when her ESP, told her that I was still extra sad. She of course, was right. I think I’ve read these words before. I think every single thing written below, makes perfect sense. I wish so badly, that I was only a reader and had no idea what any of the worlds below, truly meant.

By: Betty Baggott, Alabama Baptist BOD

· I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child lived and was important, and I need to hear his name.

· If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn’t because you have hurt me; the fact that my child died has caused me tears. You have allowed me to cry, and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

· I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or that if I have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.

· I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy, and I wish you wouldn’t compare it to your loss of a parent, a spouse, or a pet.

· Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t shy away from me.

· I wish you knew that all of the “crazy” grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration, hopelessness, and the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.

· I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us. As with alcoholics, I will never be “cured” or a “former bereaved parent,” but will forevermore be a “recovering bereaved parent.”

· I wish you understood the physical reactions to grief. I may gain weight or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, develop a host of illnesses, and be accident prone – all of which may be related to my grief.

· Our child’s birthday, the anniversary of his death, and holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are thinking about our child on these days, and if we get quiet and withdraw, just know that we are thinking about our child and don’t try to coerce us into being cheerful.

· It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values, and beliefs after losing a child. Please don’t tell me that God must have needed him or that he is in a better place…I needed him here and what better place is there for a child then with their parents.

· I wish you wouldn’t offer me drinks or drugs. These are just temporary crutches and the only way I can get through this grief is to experience it. I have to hurt before I can heal.

· I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I never will be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to “get back to my old self,” you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations, values, and beliefs. Please try to get to know the new me – maybe you’ll like me still.

Everyone’s grieves differently. I think sometimes I write on here, and my anger sounds like I am judging others who may be going through something similar to me, but who are dealing with it the complete opposite as I am. I don’t mean to be judgmental or say the way someone else chooses to deal with losing a child, is wrong. The only right way to go through something like this, is your own way. I get angry a lot. I use my writing as an outlet for my anger. It that comes off as judgment, well, that is a failure on my part. Sometimes I have a hard time with my words, as my thoughts tend to get ahead of me and I may not explain them in the way that I wish they were understood. I am human and I make mistakes. I am trying to learn and grow as much as I can from this. A lot of growing pains come from losing a child. The bottom line is I have lost a child, I don’t really know who I am or what I believe in anymore, besides Ronan. I am o.k. with that because I have no doubt that I will figure it out, as long as I continue the search for what it is, that I believe he is leading me to. I am not following the lead of anybody else on this, except my heart and Ronan’s. Those two things, as of now, are good enough for me. To each their own, right? I think so. But it does upset me when I have people tell me that if I don’t believe in God, I will not see Ronan again. It makes me angry but it also makes me very sad that people out there, actually believe that. What kind of God, would be that cruel? It’s not any God I have ever known or will ever know. If you are going to say things like that to me, or whisper those words to others around you, behind my back, then I cannot have you in my life. Those words, get back to me. I hear all the whispers and they spread like wildfire. Those are not acceptable words to say or whisper about to a mother who has lost her child. Ever. So please, exit stage left. I will not tolerate such hateful words. I might judge you right now and say you should reexamine what it is, that you are whispering. That you should look deep inside yourself to see, what makes you so ugly, that you would say such things, no matter what or who you believe in. Those are ugly words.

Ronan. I am going to say goodnight now, before I start calling people motherfuckers on here. Please make tomorrow, as gentle as possible for us all. I love you so much. Sweet dreams, baby doll. I hope you are safe. G’nite little one.

xoxo

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19 Comments

  1. Ali

     /  June 17, 2012

    I seem to always be Online when you post…guess that’s one good thing about being on the other side of the world!
    But seriously; what kind of asshole fuckwad would say such heartless things to/about a grieving parent? I know you’ll see Ronan again because he is a part of your soul and you a part of his. I am constantly floored by people’s insensivity!
    I don’t know what you’re going through- how could I? But I would never judge you- this is your journey and yours’ alone.
    Love to you all xo

    Reply
  2. Jenn(Irelynn's momma)

     /  June 17, 2012

    I think that all those words are perfect! Only the his and him are my her and she. Maya, your grief is different than mine and that is fine because I agree that every parent does this in their own way. I’m not sure what to do with God. I have a million and one questions all the time. Why being the major one, but I know I am wasting my time. Why take such a smart, LOVING, KIND, beautiful little girl from me. My baby. It’s will NEVER be like it was when they were here. I will NEVER be that mommy I was. I will love any future children I have, but my heart will never be whole to give them. I hide my grief. I’m afraid to show sadness to my family because I have to be their rock when they are sad. My parents have lost just like me, but they are no where near as strong as me. I feel like Irelynn put me here at my job, so here I will stay. Or make something of my career. I feel like I have been beatin with Holidays. Taking my child off life support on her 4th birthday. Sme birthday for her. 3 days before Christmas, a kids FAVORITE holiday, and some stupid new year. I hate December, but I know she loves it. She loved her birthday. It was all she talked about. So I feel the best thing for that day is to celebrate, but then I’m celebrating the day she died. It feels wrong, but also right. It’s what she would have wanted. So I do it for her. Anyway, thanks Maya. Thank you Ronan for introducing me to your mommy. And her words.

    Reply
  3. Jennifer Benedict

     /  June 17, 2012

    How dare anyone tell you What you MUST believe, screw that, I’m Christian and I myself have had issues with God over the loss of Ronan so how in the hell could you not, they have NO right to judge you! If God has power overall things this shit would’nt happen maybe those people should think about that!
    Im sorry so many judge Maya, please always know your true supporters support whatever roads grief takes you down every single moment of every day… We need no explanations or apologies we KNOW your heart is SO good and SO broken without your Ro… So sorry for the pain today will bring for all but especially woody :(

    Reply
  4. Melissa V

     /  June 17, 2012

    So very well said, Maya and such perfect words from Rita, a perfect friend. Love to you and especially to Woody today. You all are in my thoughts and prayers and I truly BELIEVE you will see Ronan again one day. May Miss New York Macy lead you in much laughter today, despite the pain and heartache that always sits with each of you, especially on this day in which you should be celebrating the amazing father Woody is with your Ronan.

    Reply
  5. angie

     /  June 17, 2012

    Our former governer, Jesse Ventura, once sail that religion is for the weak. He took a lot of heat fore that statement, but I couldn’t agree more. the people who say things like that to you or told me my dad died because he didn’t pray enough are weak and that is all they know. They aren’t strong enough to question what had been shoved down their throat as truth.

    Reply
  6. Michelle H.

     /  June 17, 2012

    Oh boy…I have not a doubt in my soul that you will be with Ronan again. In my opinion, God meets us where we are…the good, the bad and the ugly. His love is unconditional and does not judge. I’m sad that someone would say otherwise to you or to others about you. Hoping today goes well for your family. ps loved that essay…xo

    Reply
  7. Sara Maurer

     /  June 17, 2012

    Hugs to you and Woody today.

    Reply
  8. Glenda

     /  June 17, 2012

    Fu****g fathers day to Woody!!! :)
    Always RoLove!!!
    Enjoy your day as best as it can pissibly be with NYCMacy!!!
    Thinking of you RoMama!!!

    Reply
  9. Mom too

     /  June 17, 2012

    It will be a good father’s day…..for Liam and Quinn need their daddy to be happy they are here and know that father’s day is important for them. You guys will make it work and see the thru the tears. Rainbows and hummingbirds to you today.
    Hugs <3

    Reply
  10. L

     /  June 17, 2012

    I wish Woody an Fathers Day for loving and being a DAD to three beautiful children.

    Maya, I absolutely love your post. I think the whole whispering, talking shit behind

    Reply
    • L

       /  June 17, 2012

      Whooops!

      Talking behind people’s back is nonsense. I take no judgement in your words, this is your blog, you own it. I just read your words. I wish all people would live without being so judgmental, (And lying because i hate liars) but there are a lot of motherfuckers out there!!!

      Love you mama!! Have a spicy day with that Miss Macy, Woody and the boys.

      Reply
  11. I wish people would not say (or whisper) those things. You do not need any more grief – I hope they read your words and exit stage left.

    The quote from Rita is so accurate. I am so glad that you have Rita & NY Macy.

    I miss my sons every day but I must admit that today when my husband asked for some time alone to go to the cemetery my heart broke just a little bit more (which I did not think was possible).

    Sending hugs and a big FU Cancer!!

    Reply
  12. I agree those words are perfect. And please don’t pay any attention to all those haters! They obviously do not know what you are going through. You should take you time and find your own way to grieve. And if you feel like being mad of writing down harsh words on you blog, just do so! It is you blog and your blog only and if that makes you feel better you should do so. We will not judge you for this.

    Reply
  13. phaedralbh

     /  June 18, 2012

    I’d like to think of it as “thank you for being such a fan-fucking-tastic father!” day, rather than happy fathers day.
    I also feel like as fucked up as it is, I don’t expect the grief to go away. This is you now, and sometimes the grief will be spicy and sometimes it will be shitty. Thankfully, you have amazing people in your life, especially Macy.
    Oh yeah… And your hubby. Sunday was nothing but another day feeling grateful for him. :)
    xo
    -P

    Reply
  14. Daniella

     /  June 18, 2012

    That is un-fucking-believable that people would say something like that to you or do anything to make you feel like that is anything but complete and totally bullshit! And you are right, it is cruel! What kind of god would love and encourage people to be cruel to someone who just lost her son? Not my god, that’s for sure!

    Maya you are incredible, loving, compassionate and honest. My kind of god is someone who loves you and people like you (my god is not some all controlling power either, my god is also pissed that cancer took your son).

    You just keep on doing what you are doing. I cannot speak for all your blog readers but I know I can speak for many of us when I say – You and your family are in our thoughts every day.

    Reply
  15. Pamela

     /  June 20, 2012

    Wow. It’s like you wrote those words yourself. After following you and Ronan those seem to fit exactly. Truly you will never be the old Maya but you will always be the great Mama that you are, and everyone else needs to just get on the train or get out of your way!

    Reply
  16. melissa

     /  June 20, 2012

    Thinking of you Maya. hoping you have a bit of lip gloss on today and that some dolphins have been visiting.worried about you spicy mama. Sending love to you and the boys.

    Reply
  17. Hilary

     /  June 21, 2012

    Just to say I am thinking of you all. Big spicy monkey hugs from your friend in the UK. x

    Reply
  18. Sable Smith

     /  September 11, 2012

    Hello everyone. I am a 15 (almost 16) yr old girl. I live in a VERY small town in NY, called Bolivar. Earlier this year in March my 2 year old cousin had drowned… That little boy meant the world to me. Back inJune of 2008, I lost my grandma who meant the world to me. The shittiest part was… I was on my way to watch them put her in the ground and I got into a car accident and didn’t make it. I spent that whole day in the hospital and came out with a broken ankle, concussion, and some bruised ribs. I was lucy to be alive because of how bad the accident was, but I believe that my grandma saved me. I understand some of the pain you are dealing with and I don’t think you’re being judgemental at all! You’fe voicing your opinion, and feeling on all of this. I am truely sorry for your lost ones.

    Reply

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