New friends and extra lipgloss


Ronan. Now matter how low I get or how bad things sound, the bottom line is I will always put on lip gloss to go meet another cancer mom and her babe. That is what happened today. I got up out of bed. I spent the morning cleaning and doing laundry, getting things spotless for my sanity and Macy’s arrival. I showered. I dressed. I had planned to take your brothers to a movie during the afternoon. I checked my FB which I don’t really do, that often. I saw I had a bunch of messages on it. I only clicked on one. It was from another NB mom that lives in California. She reached out to me a few months ago, saying they were in Sedona and wanted to know if I would drive up to meet them. I told her of course, but our plans fell through due to her older boy getting sick. I hadn’t heard from her since, until today. Her message said she knew this was last-minute, but she was in San Diego for her little guys treatment and was wondering if I would like to meet up for a bit. I hesitated for a second, but then messaged her back and said of course. I went in and asked your brothers if we could skip the movie to meet up with this little boy and his mom. They both said, o.k. They are such great boys. They both asked a lot of questions. Who was this boy? How old was he? Did he have the same kind of cancer, as Ro? Does he have any brothers or sisters? Where does he live? I didn’t know much, but I answered them the best that I could. We piled in the car and drove off to meet our new friends at the train museum.

Ronan. Today was the best day that I have had in a long time. It’s during times like this, that I know you are still around. You could not have picked a more perfect day, for me to do the things I did today. Just when I am feeling in such a slump and so freaking sorry for myself, you give me a gift like today. A day where I got to hang out with the sweetest little 3 and a half-year old who reminded me so much of you. Where I got to look into his mama’s eyes and it was an almost unspoken conversation. I saw eyes that reminded me why I have to continue to do, what it is that I am here to do. I needed a good reminder and today I got all that and more. This mama looked at me a few times and asked if I was alright. If it was hard for me to be there, with her little boy. I just smiled and told her, “No.” I do really well in the cancer kid world, Ronan. I do much better in it, than the normal world that is so foreign to me now. This world fills me with a peace and comfort that I cannot explain. I spent the day with your brothers, Teddy, and his most beautiful mama. We looked at trains. We chased balls. We held hands. We laughed. We giggled. I felt alright. I felt alive and brave and I got all of this from a little boy who has the weight of the world on his shoulders, but you would never know it by the look on his face or the laugher that filled the air. I listened to him say things like, “Come on my friends!” as he reached for your brothers hands. I got to hold his little hand while we were crossing the street. I miss little hands, so very much. I talked to his mom a bit about what they have gone through. I listened to her words and the way they have had to fight for everything as far as Teddy and his treatment. The way she is the one, presenting studies to the doctors, demanding scans when they don’t want to do them, and answers when nobody wants to give them. I know I can fix this world and make it better for these families. I am more motivated than ever, to get this done. I have the vision. I have the dream. I will make this a reality. I will make this world less scary for these families. Today was a reminder that I cannot give up. That I need to stop feeling so sorry for myself because there are people out there who are here, fighting and who deserve better than what it is that they are getting. I know without a doubt, what it is that I am here to do and why. It’s what you would want. It’s what we should have had. It’s the reason why I can’t stay in bed and not wear lipgloss anymore. I’m not giving up on this world, these kids, or these families. I may take a few days here or there, to slump down into a really dark place, but I promise I will always come back to fight again. Thank you for the reminder today. Thank you, to Teddy and his mom for stealing my heart and giving me back that hope word just by looking in their eyes. That’s what I saw when I looked into their eyes today, Ronan. Eyes filled with such hope that I have decided I cannot ignore this word any longer. I think I can start to let this word back into my life again. Today, I felt hopeful, calm, and brave. Today, I felt you everywhere. It was a good day.

Macy is here. Quinn and Liam are happy. We all snuggled on the couch and watched a movie. Quinn is sleeping in-between your Macy and I. He fell asleep with the biggest smile on his face. I know why. It’s because he saw his old mom today. The one that can smile, laugh, and be playful. The one that can be brave and who can sit back and watch your brothers and who knows how they are going to go off and do amazing things in this world; all because of you. I can be alright in this life, Ronan because of days like today. Thanks for never giving up on me, no matter how crazy I may get over this never-ending pain. Thank you for giving me a good day, when I needed it most. I love you. I love you and miss you so very much. I hope you are safe. G’nite, little one. G’nite to our new friends, too. Thank you for being brave enough to reach out to me and for being able to see the light, through all of the darkness. The little rays of light, are the two of you.

xoxo

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14 Comments

  1. This made me cry…wish you didn’t have to miss little hands and all the other simple joys you were robbed of.
    Enjoy your time with Macy – you deserve it.

    Reply
  2. It’s very emotional, but you are brave! And am sure you are helping other people who are going through the same as you are going through. Remember, you are not alone.

    Reply
  3. Loved this post! I am so very happy for you.
    Xoxox-Robyn Matthews

    Reply
  4. KT

     /  June 15, 2012

    AMAZING!!!!!!
    Whenever I read about those days this
    always comes to my mind.
         “If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever” Winnie the Pooh

    Love you Mama!!! Ronan’s everywhere!
    Have the best time with Macy!!!
    xoxoxo

    Reply
  5. Jenn

     /  June 15, 2012

    Damn it! I don’t want to be crying at work:) I’m so happy this was a good day. Good luck to your new friends. Keep fighting…keep on moving. You are amazing in every way.

    Reply
  6. Glenda

     /  June 15, 2012

    Enjoy your visit with Macy!
    Thinking of you and Rockstar Ro!!!
    Always Ro!!! Xo

    Reply
  7. Julie

     /  June 15, 2012

    Wow…Inspirational…I am so glad you had a good day. This blog brought happy tears to my eyes…For you, for your boys, and for the mother and son that are reaching out to you, for you are one of the few who can say ” I know what you are going through.” and really mean it…Cheers to a lasting new friend, and more good days ahead.

    Reply
  8. I think we all needed this blog post. Thanks ZombieGirl.

    Reply
  9. L

     /  June 15, 2012

    Love that little Ronan, so glad he could find a way to give you some sunshine and that kick in the butt reminder why it is you need to keep fighting/wearing lip gloss. It makes me sad you don’t have little hands to hold or little toes to kiss. I wish you a spicy weekend with that beautiful Macy, the boys and the “old Mama Maya”. Much love to that little Teddy and his Mama. <3

    PS….so what kind of lip gloss do you wear? ;)

    Reply
  10. Kristin

     /  June 15, 2012

    So glad you have your strength back! Go back to conquering the cancer world Maya! Hoping your days continue to fuck cancer up…word!

    Reply
  11. Love the little rays of light. Hope is such a powerful thing and so easy to lose sight of on the really dark days. So glad that Miss Macy is visiting. FU Cancer!!

    Reply
  12. You inspire me, Maya! I am happy you could breathe today and feel good about it. I am happy you felt hope.
    Love,
    Sharon

    Reply
  13. Clarence

     /  June 16, 2012

    Thank you Maya, you are a sweet, wonderful, good hearted person, i am honored to count you as a friend. I’ll share my Teddy with you again anytime! XOXOXOXO, Clarence.

    Reply
  14. Shlomit

     /  June 16, 2012

    So, so good to read this post. You are so amazing – always able to come back to a place of appreciation, purpose, love…you’re an amazing Mama and person, Maya! Keep on fighting on and being you. Ro really is guiding you and it’s beautiful…but for being so tragic. :( If he can’t physically be here doing it, he most certainly can guide you all spiritually, emotionally…until you meet again. :) xoxo

    Reply

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    Happiness is playing in the forest in a tutu. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #washingtonsummer #tutusandmud #babydoll #theadventuresofpoppy #mybabe #luckymama This is life. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #getbusylivingorgetbusydying #washingtonsummer #gooutside #mybabe #illkeepyousafeyoukeepmewild #missyouro This little human has saved my heart. It will never be whole again, but she has put back pieces that I thought were forever gone. So thankful for you, Poppy Roo. And Liam and Quinn, too. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #washingtonsummer #allgoodthingsarewildandfree #missmyboys #missyouro #summeroflove
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