Ronan. This is what my nights are like. Fall into a light sleep. Into a place where you are in between being awake and asleep, floating in and out of dreams/reality. But the entire time you are kind of sleeping, you have a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach. Like something is really, really wrong. Just as I get to sleep, I am jolted up out of bed. I’m drenched in sweat. Something indeed is not right. But what? Then I remember that you are not here. I get up, slam another Ambien and eventually it knocks me out. When my alarm goes off at 7 a.m. I cannot get out of bed fast enough. You’d think it was if I thought I had you to wake up to. I don’t really ever think this. I think it’s mainly just adrenaline that fills my body and makes me so restless, that waking up to do things feels better than the quietness that fills the dark nights. Do you know what I do at night? I wander around the house and turn our dryer on about 2/3 different times. I don’t care if the clothes are dry. I’ll dry them again, anyway, just to hear the noise. This is not normal. I know this, but I don’t really care.
I busied myself today with just getting normal things done like a normal mom would do. I ran to Trader Joe’s. It still takes my breath away that I am the mom in the grocery store, without the kid in tow. I went into bereaved mission mama you still have 2 kids mode and threw some things in a cart anyway. I did alright. I made it out of the store without abandoning my cart. To me, that is a success. I hiked up the mountain today with Mandy Bee in tow. We were there for a couple of hours. We had a dance party at the top. She definitely has moves like Jagger. In a Canadian radness sort of way. The weather is getting hotter which means less people on the mountain. Your daddy asked if it was an Inferno yet. I told him it was close, but not quite. It has to be over 100 to truly be an inferno day. It’s getting closer. That was yesterday, this is today, Ro. Yesterday was all things madness. I ended the exhausting day, in the ER of PCH with Mandy Bee because her babe is sick. This is how last night went down. Could be the funniest mix up/awkward first meeting of friends for the first time. I had told Rita, earlier in the day, that Liam was not feeling well. I had picked him up from school and he had a little cough. No biggie but he looked beat. I also may have told her I was in my room with the door closed, crying my eyes out. Both things were true. The part that I left out was that Liam was asleep in his bed, therefore it was o.k. that I was having a moment. The the last thing she heard from me for a few hours until she texted me to check in, was that I was not o.k. I’m throwing this next part in and calling it texts from one bereaved mom to another clearly sane but insane mom. It went a little something like this…
While I was texting with Rita back and forth, it may have dawned on me for .2 seconds that, hey, this is a little strange… she wants to come down to PCH, to sit in ER, with me, Mandy whom she’s never met, and Mandy’s son. I then thought to myself, what a good friend she is… I may have also thought for .2 seconds that this was totally out of character for Rita to do, but because of my lack of sleep/grief brain/talking to Mandy, those thoughts quickly left my mind. I said to Mandy, “Hey Rita wants to come down here. It that o.k.?” She replied with, “Of course!” Rita ran down to PCH as fast as she could and came flying through the door. I had no idea that anything was off. I was just glad that both of my friends were meeting and Zane was out like a light and resting comfortably. After introductions were made, Rita said something about the going to the vending machine to get candy. “I’ll come with you,” I told her. As soon as we got to the vending machine, Rita looked at me and said, “Um.. I have a confession to make.” “What?!? I asked her all blood-shot eyes/confused. She looked at me with a look of amusement/what the fuck is wrong with you, crazy pants?!! “I totally thought you were here, with Liam. I had no idea it was Mandy and her son here. I thought I was coming to see you and Liam!” “What do you mean?” I squealed. “I sent you a picture of Zane and everything!” She looked at me like and said, “You sent me a picture some boy with brown hair and the back of his head! Awkward! I’ve never even met Mandy, yet here I am, in an ER room with her and her little boy. Not that I wouldn’t come down here for Mandy, but maybe lunch first would have been nice!” We both started dying laughing. “I have to tell Mandy this. She will die.”
We told her. She laughed but is so the kind of person that loves me so much, that she just rolls with whatever shit I throw her way. This includes, “Hey, meet my friend, that you’ve never met before, in the ER while your son is getting breathing treatments. It’s a party now!” It ended up being fine. And provided me with the laughter that I so needed for the day. Yesterday was a really hard day for some reason. I told Rita that I was so sorry. Mandy too for the totally awkward but not awkward mix up because both of them are so accepting of me and my crazy head. I came home hoping to drift to sleep. That did not happen. I sobbed in bed instead. Your daddy just told me he was sorry and how he’ll never understand this. He fell asleep. I did not. I wrestled with sleep for a couple of hours and woke up, ready for another day without you. Liam did not look well this morning. Quinn was so snuggly in his bed, that I did not want to wake him. I let them both sleep. I kept them both home. I was supposed to hike today with a group that all met up and hiked for you. It was put on by a girl named Rachel whom I met at your fashion show. She organized a whole hike for you and ended up raising 400 dollars in a really short amount of time. Can you believe that?! She had balloons, signs, a cute little table set up with your pictures everywhere. She hiked it barefoot, in a purple tutu and everything. I am amazed at all the good people in the world, Ro. Every time I hear of people like this, it is a little reminder to me, to continue on. Thanks to all the lovies who went out today. It meant a lot to me. I thought about you all, all day long.
I’ve had a really rough past 2 days, which I don’t want to say too much about, until I am 100% sure, but it turns out, people are not always who they say they are. In my naïve head, I want to believe that everyone is good and would not take advantage of others, but I am learning a very hard lesson that this is just not true. There are bad people out there. I often forget this but due to this lesson, I am learning that I need to have my guard up a little more often. I just cannot believe there are people out there who would take cancer and use it to their advantage. There are and it’s due to this that I’m going to have to start being a little more protective of our situation. Tonight, I do not have the energy to sit and fly off the handle about this. Maybe one day, but not tonight. I’m too mentally beat to have another thing to be upset about.
I hiked in the dark tonight. I ran down to PCH to check in on Mandy Bee. I was not prepared for how hard things were going to hit me tonight, until I left there. I am usually fine there. Not tonight. I left there, tears steaming down my face. I heard your voice. “I love you, Mama.” “You’re my best friend.” “Come on baby doll!” I had visions of chasing you down the hallway that we used to walk through. I could not get out of there, fast enough tonight. But you know what, Ro? Mandy Bee would walk through fire for me and I would do the same for her. In a heart beat.
I booked some flights today. It was a fuckwad of a mental block. I sat at our kitchen table for 2 hours, and with the help of Mandy Bee and Rita, I picked dates and booked 4 fucking airline tickets. Not 5, but 4. It was horrific. Your daddy said, “Can’t you wait until I get home, to do this?” I responded with an, “No, I cannot. I’ve tried to do this for weeks now. I have to get it done today or else I am going to slit my wrist. I have to just book these, and at least get our airline tickets taken care of. Airline tickets are done. That’s all I could do today in regards to May. It was enough today. It was almost too much but I cannot bear the thought of scrambling so last minute. A plan is good for all of us.
This is all for tonight. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are safe. G’nite baby doll. G’nite little lovies. Thank you to all my badass hikers today. I loved hearing about how so many of you got so dirty and how much you thought of Ro, the entire time. Thank you, so much. Thank you, Rachel. For working so hard and throwing together, such an amazing event. And FUCK CANCER.