A maybe baby


Ronan. How can I be this upset over something that I was not sure that I was ready for? Because I had spent all last week preparing myself for it, just in case I was right. So, my emotions went from, oh no I’m not ready…. to o.k. if it is so, I can totally be ready/do this. I let myself feel sad/happy/scared/excited. I had myself convinced I was right. Turns out, I was wrong. Turns out, my body/hormones are completely out of whack due to stress/sadness/not having you. I’m not an out of whack person. My emotions stay pretty even keeled, even while dealing with not having you here anymore. I am a pretty level-headed person. This whole thing has kind of thrown me for a loop. I spent the weekend giving into my tiredness. I was nice to myself which I tend not to be anymore. I spent all weekend hanging out around the house doing all the old things we used to do with you. It’s normally hard for me to be in our house, but over the weekend I really enjoyed doing the simpleness of not much, with your brothers and daddy. I enjoyed all of this due to the maybe baby that I had gotten used to.

Then Monday came. I woke up so exhausted again. What is going on? I am sleeping fine at night without Ambien. I only wake up once and that is always at the 3:25 a.m. time that I swear to you, is your way of trying to get to me. After I wake up, pace the house, toss and turn, cry, sometimes not cry, I fall back asleep. I’m pretty sure I am getting in a good 6-7 hours of sleep. That’s a lot for me. The blood test I had done on Friday, came back negative. As in, you are totally not prego. O.k…… I thought to myself. So strange, my intuition/being in tune with myself is usually pretty accurate. Within moments of this phone call, the tears started. Wait… why am I crying? I thought to myself. I didn’t give myself much time to rationalize all the reasons why because clearly it was out of my control. So I cried. I called my Little M who I can always count on to make things sound logical/rational for me. I was sobbing so hard she couldn’t even understand what I was saying. After about a 20 minute conversation this is what we figured out.

1) Deciding that I/we, want/hope to have another baby, is mentally exhausting in itself. It’s taken a lot of work for me to get to this point.

2) I don’t get to be a normal mama ever again. Everything I do comes with heightened emotions. A maybe baby included. This is a whole new me for me. I’m usually so very calm about things.

3) This would have been nice because it would have just been something that pretty much just happened, not something that we really tried for.

4) I had my hopes up. I allowed myself to get excited… I allowed myself to think about the future, which I often don’t do. Most days, I am just trying to get through the day. I thought I would be o.k. with the maybe baby not being real, when in reality, I feel disappointed and sad. I guess I wanted it to be real, more than I thought.

5) This maybe baby, wasn’t meant to be. Or as Marisa said, this wasn’t meant to be your baby. There will be a time, this will all work itself out, when it is meant to be.

I stopped crying after I hung up with Little M. She made me feel better, like she does with everything. She even through in an “I’m sorry and can somebody just throw you a freaking bone?!” I don’t know if they can or not, but I’ll sit here and wait.

I spent the rest of the day crying/talking to myself and you. I went hiking. I talked to you out loud. I didn’t listen to my blaring music like I normally do. Dr. JoRo asked me to hike quietly. I listened to her. I told you all the things I always tell you, like how sorry I am. How much I miss you. How sometimes I don’t know how I’ll do this all, without you being here. I talked to myself about how I need to stop trying to control things that are not in my control such as life and death. I need to respect that I am not in control of certain things and when they don’t go my way, I need to just give into that and not beat myself up about it. I talked in my head about the logical aspect of all of this/the lesson learned/what I hoped to gain for the future. I tried my best to rationally play everything out in my head. I heard the screaming voice yelling at me that all logic flew out the window when you died. I tried my best to ignore that voice. I ran down the mountain as fast as I could go, wiping the dirty tears off of my face. I told myself things like, “You are o.k. you are going to be o.k. you have survived the worst thing possible, you can get through anything.” I gave myself a pep talk. I came home, showered, and picked your brothers up from school. I played the good mommy role that seems to be coming easier to me now. We did their homework, I fed them a snack, and we did an art project together. I made a big fuss over how proud I am of both of them, which I didn’t even have to force. This shows me I am healing a little. The things that used to take a ton of effort, are falling back into place a little more easily.

I’m still completely wiped out. I gave into all of this last week, but I am fighting it this week. I’ve got too much to do and I don’t have time to sit around and being tired. I am hoping I will get my energy back up, otherwise I’m going to be seriously worried. It may be my body’s way of remembering what is coming up in the next month. What my mind is trying so badly, to ignore. I don’t want the day you died to be here. I don’t want your birthday to be here, without you. I know I have to face all of this/make a plan. I will work on that this week, but no promises.

I told Rita I was blogging about this. I know it is a lot. I feel like I live on a freaking soap opera and I don’t like it. Although this is pretty personal…because I get the baby thing is personal and I don’t have to share it…but if I did not, that would be me not being true to myself/this life/what is going on, in our world. I started this saying I was in this for good. To share the good/bad/ugly/happy/sad/all of it. I couldn’t just ignore what has gone on and not write about this. That would not be fair, to anyone. You all have stuck through this with me, for this long. I’m not going to start sweeping really important things under the rug. The fact of the matter is, no matter who agrees with this decision or not… the whole maybe baby thing… it is our decision. Woody and I, made this decision a long time ago, before Ronan got sick. We both know this is something we want. We both feel like it is something that we need and would be really good for all of us. We love each other. We love Liam and Quinn. We love Ronan. We will love whatever/whomever comes in our lives next, when the time is right. We are a family that is broken, but we are broken together in the most loving, caring, happy/sad way possible. We will never be the same again and having just the 4 of us feels to wrong, to not try to make it, a little right. I’m not sure what a little right looks like at the moment, but I can tell you it’s not this.

I’m tired Ro baby. I love you. I miss you so much. I hope you are safe. Sweet dreams.

xoxo

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26 Comments

  1. What a rollercoaster, Maya. Just wanted to reiterate how much we all love you. Thank you for sharing such personal details with all of us, even though you don’t have to and people will judge you for it. You know that when the time comes and you guys do have another beautiful baby, there will be so much love for that baby and for you from everywhere around the world.

    Reply
  2. Lorrie

     /  March 26, 2012

    Maya,

    Thanks so much for sharing all of your story. You are ROMAZING!

    With much respect, support & love

    Reply
  3. Amanda Sands

     /  March 26, 2012

    It’s ok, just because this maybe baby didn’t work out doesn’t mean that your next baby won’t be a super cool ninja also. I get the feeling though… Of not really wanting something. Then really wanting it only to find out that it’s actually not really happening. It sucks. Especially for those of us who don’t really plan or hope for much. It will be a positive test one day!! Thanks for being real and honest. You and ro are my heroes!!

    Reply
  4. Glenda

     /  March 26, 2012

    Thanks for sharing with all of us your maybe baby. I hope it happens soon. Another little one to love and bring your family some much needed joy!! I’m sure Ro would want you to smile and be happy :)

    Thinking of you RoMama and Rockstar Ro. Always Ro !!! XO

    Reply
  5. Simone

     /  March 26, 2012

    Hang in there Maya, so good to read sparks of hope in your blog.
    Big hugs to you!

    Reply
  6. Heather

     /  March 27, 2012

    I think that its ok for you to feel sad about the Maybe Baby…. it would have given your lives some sort of normalcy and a new happy… do you think that you subconsciously want that connection, bond, need to feel needed again as a momma? Of course, the twins need you but now they are at that independent age, they dont the way all good mommas want to be needed by their children. You, Woody, and the twins deserve to be happy and to feel complete as a family….. and babies are such beautiful blessings……. sending you happy Maybe Baby when the time is right thoughts. Hugs for you, Maya!!

    Reply
  7. Vivian

     /  March 27, 2012

    Is it wrong to say, that I secretly hope Ro sends you a little girl one day? You rock Maya. Sending you love from the PNW.

    Reply
  8. Any little soul would be so lucky to have you as a mom and to be part of your family; thinking of you, Maya…

    Reply
  9. Cols

     /  March 27, 2012

    Maya, I want you to know I pray often for you and your family. I have experienced a horrible loss of my mother due to cancer. I just wanted to share that it has been almost six years and the pain is still there. I am the baby of seven and was very close to my mother. What is different is that I no longer feel like I am walking around in a coma like I did for almost three years after her passing. I can play back her passing like a video in my mind, but if people ask me anything about the three years following her death…I cannot remember much except that I did everything to take care of my children and husband. My only advice….do not overlook the happy times within your family. By simply smiling, you can make yourself feel happier, and my dear…continue to grieve the way that you know best. I have an incredibly strong Faith and I am certain that bbecause one

    Reply
  10. Melissa

     /  March 27, 2012

    Hugs to you, Maya. Do I remember a video of Ro saying he wanted a baby…..or maybe I am making it up? Ro will take care of you sweet Mama….through everything…and he will send you a beautiful perfect little one when the time is just right! I am so sorry you were disappointed love. :(

    Reply
  11. Laura

     /  March 27, 2012

    All our love and thoughts go out to your entire beautiful family. You have lots of people loving and supporting you.

    Reply
  12. susan

     /  March 27, 2012

    You are healing. It takes time. Thankful you are healing as a family. The maybe baby will happen when the time is right for all of you. God Bless and Hugs.

    Reply
  13. Jaime H.

     /  March 27, 2012

    I have for so long wanted to say that you guys could/should maybe try for another baby, not to replace Ro ever, as nothing ever could, but to help you love, heal, etc… I feel so happy to read that you are considering this! :) What a blessing it would be for your family if it happens! God bless you guys Maya, still pray for you all the time and think of you and Ro every day! You will especially be in my heart come May :( I know you will be okay! We all love, support you! xoxoxo

    Reply
  14. What a week it must have been for you, I can’t imagine the wave of emotions you must have felt.
    I truly appreciate all you share with us and know that your family is always loved and supported. You are an amazing mom and I wish you all the peace and love in every decision you’ll make as a family.

    Reply
  15. Wow, what a week this must have been for you! I can’t imagine the wave of emotions you must have felt.
    Thank you for sharing your life with us, your family is loved and I wish you so much peace and support as you make these life changing decisions. You are an amazing mom :)
    Sharon

    Reply
  16. Colleen from DC

     /  March 27, 2012

    I read a quote recently that said, “Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen at all.” (Herodotus, Greek historian). You are a great mom, and we all see that in every post you write and everything you do. Sending you a big hug. We’re here for you – no matter what. <3

    Reply
  17. kelsey

     /  March 27, 2012

    I am so glad that you are having sex!! woohooo!! …that is good…and great for woody!! :)

    Reply
    • I LOVED this comment!! Kelsey, you made me laugh and made my day…….. I was thinking the same! Wooohooo, they are having sex, lol!!,

      Love you Maya! This Maybe Baby, whenever he/she makes their appearance, will be the luckiest baby to have the love of your fam and the RoLove from above!

      Happy Tuesday Mama!

      Leona~
      xoxo

      Reply
  18. Katie R.

     /  March 27, 2012

    Maya – I have been wondering why you haven’t posted in awhile and I was worried. I’m sad that you are actually not pregnant. And I think you are handling it beautifully. When the time is right, it will happen. I am happy to hear that you and Woody want more children. Screw all the haters. I’m still laughing at the person that told you to listen to KLOVE. I laugh b/c its just so ridiculous. Hope you are ok and big hugs!

    Katie R in Dallas

    Reply
  19. Riley

     /  March 27, 2012

    You rock. Thanks for sharing your life with us— people read your blog because we can all relate to your thoughts. You’re real and honest and actually normal (at least in my mind):) We love you!

    Reply
  20. Daniella

     /  March 27, 2012

    I think you are incredible Maya! To share such private and vulnerable times in your life takes some serious lady-balls! Even though it was a maybe-baby, I am happy that happened for you because even just allowing yourself to think about the future is such a powerful gift to give yourself :)

    Reply
  21. Inna

     /  March 27, 2012

    I’ve never commented on here before, but today i just wanted to tell you that with all my heart i wish you whatever you wish for yourself. You are an amazing.., your words touch deeply people like me, who have never been in your shoes…Your sincerity, ability to show all facets of being a human being are simply inspiring.. Wishing for a maybe baby if that is what you are wishing for!

    Reply
  22. kristin

     /  March 27, 2012

    I have never posted a comment here, but read all of your posts. Your story has struck a chord in my mama-heart and I will never be the same since discovering your blog. Sometimes it takes something like this to give us clarity and insight into what we hope our future holds. You are such a wonderful mother, and whatever little babe finds its way into your home someday will be lucky to be a part of your family.

    Reply
  23. Maya, I have no words, other than you are an wonderful mother! Shame on the people that judge you. Hopefully the future holds your maybe baby! You are a wild and free Ro-mommy!

    Reply
  24. Pam

     /  March 27, 2012

    Maya, Thank you for sharing your life with us. So many of us love you and look forward to reading your writting. I know when a baby comes along you will be just as great of a Momma to this one as you are to the boys. I truly hope that all your dreams come true. I know as beautiful as your boys are any future baby will be just as lovely. I am looking forward to reading at some point that you and Woody are expecting. I will be so happy for your family. BTW… To hell with what anyone else thinks, if this is what you and Woody desire, no one else has a right to judge!! I hope you have a sweet lil princess girl!! *hugs* Keep pn being real, thats what I like most about you!!!

    Reply
  25. Jenn

     /  March 28, 2012

    I just wanted to let you know that your story has me better mom. I used to rush my kids around everywhere and through each day without ever really taking time to appreciate they are here. I would hug them because they were leaving or headed to bed, but very seldom just because they were standing in front of me or sitting near me. I am sorry that it takes just a horrific event in your life to force me to appreciate my own, but I appreciate you sharing your story because now I also appreciate my life so much more.

    Also, while reading your post, I couldn’t help but think maybe this “maybe baby” is your body’s way of preparing you for the chance of getting pregnant again. It is trying to make you see that you can enjoy something again so maybe you can find a way to find little peace. Stress in itself can cause a miscarriage, and your body is fully aware of the fact you do not deserve to relive the loss of a child. Maybe your Robaby is trying to help you prepare for a “someday baby”, by slowly showing your how good it would feel to me a new mommy again. He loves you so much that he would never just throw you into a situation that may throw you over the deep end, you get a little taste of happiness at a time until he is sure you are ready to accept the company of his special and hand picked gift for you. :o) Keep your head up, your Robaby has a plan for you.

    Reply

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    Happiness is playing in the forest in a tutu. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #washingtonsummer #tutusandmud #babydoll #theadventuresofpoppy #mybabe #luckymama This is life. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #getbusylivingorgetbusydying #washingtonsummer #gooutside #mybabe #illkeepyousafeyoukeepmewild #missyouro This little human has saved my heart. It will never be whole again, but she has put back pieces that I thought were forever gone. So thankful for you, Poppy Roo. And Liam and Quinn, too. #poppy #ronan #fucancer #washingtonsummer #allgoodthingsarewildandfree #missmyboys #missyouro #summeroflove
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